(Video) The Reason You Attract Men Who Treat You Poorly

Are You Wrong for Wanting a No-Drama Relationship?
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At this point I hope you’ve had the chance to read the Love U Pyramid of Love.

Many of you wrote back to tell me how much those lessons resonated – and how painful it is to look back at all the crap you’ve put up with from men.

But there’s a big difference between realizing you’ve acted insecure in the past and understanding how to correct that behavior in the future.

That’s what I’m here for.

And what I love about my readers is that you are not shy about asking me to address what’s on your mind the most: how to identify good men and get rid of bad ones. Recent emails to me include:

  • How do you decipher the men that are looking for a real relationship vs. the ones looking for a one-night stand?
  • How can I be sure the man that comes on strong is a man is not a player and wants to build a relationship?
  • Why didn’t he felt connected with me since he showed signs of being in love?
  • What makes men commit to some women and not others?
  • How do you know when you’ve met the “right” guy?

Believe it or not, there are answers to all of these questions – and I’m going to share them shortly.

But I’ve gotta tell you: as a dating coach, I probably do the same thing that you do every day: observe common patterns and try to make sense of them.

Doctors do this. Lawyers do this. Finance people do this. Teachers do this. Dog trainers do this. We look for behavioral patterns and adjust to them.

Tell me if this pattern sounds familiar to you:

You fall for a guy based on chemistry and common interests.

He makes a great effort to charm you, seduce you, and win you over.

You get your hopes up.

You let down your guard.

You fall in love.

You later discover that he is selfish, abusive, critical, or unwilling to make a long-term commitment.

And while it seems obvious that you should let him go, you end up staying because it’s so rare for you to find such a unique and powerful connection with a man.

The longer you stay, the sadder you get, the more time you waste, and the more you convince yourself that it’s impossible to find true love.

The problem is that you don’t want to give up.

You don’t want to be alone for the rest of your life.

You want to live happily ever after.

You want to know the answer to one vital question that will determine your future:

“How can I attract better men and get the long-term relationship I deserve?”

As I said in the Love U Pyramid of Love, before we can talk about finding a husband, I think it’s valuable to walk through a few of the steps that come before marriage.

  •       Confidence
  •       Meeting Men
  •       Dating
  •       Understanding Men
  •       Relationships
  •       Commitment

That’s a lot of stuff – and you don’t have to figure it all out right away.

Today, in advance of my big Love U launch next week, I’m going to continue your free education with a video that answers 3 common dating questions centering on confidence:

How can I make a man feel needed without being “needy”?

Why don’t I ever meet any quality men?

Why do I always seem to attract unavailable guys who treat me poorly?

I’m especially excited to share the first tip about being needy. It points out what you’ve already observed in men:

If a guy is too aloof, it’s hard to feel emotionally connected to him.

If a guy is too needy, it makes you want to run away with him.

So the best way to create true intimacy – for both men and women – is by being VULNERABLE.

So the best way to create true intimacy – for both men and women – is by being VULNERABLE.

Click here to watch the video, and when you’re done, please share your biggest takeaways in the comments section below. Thanks a million.

By the way, you’ll notice there are 3 Relationship Tips that are visible but greyed out.

Patience, grasshopper.

Those will be revealed to you in a few days once you’ve had a chance to process these.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

P.S. You want to know if this Love U stuff works? Ask Jules.

Evan, I want to thank you SO much for everything that you do. I really believe that it was a driving force behind me having the relationship that I’ve always wanted. I was divorced, never dated much before, and read your “Why He Disappeared” eBook in one sitting. It really changed things for me. I finally understood why that guy I went out with on 3 amazing dates never called me again, I finally understood why that guy I had been texting for over 1 month never asked me out. But here is my favorite part, I STOPPED GETTING UPSET ABOUT IT. Okay, I was a little hurt, but not like I was before, and I didn’t let it stop me or hold me back because I KNEW there was going to be another guy out there.

Also, I stopped trying to lead the relationship. I finally learned to let go, stop being SO invested in every single date and started to have fun with dating. I’m being honest when I say I had TONS of fun dating. I learned to focus on being playful, just having a great conversation with a man, and stopped appearing so desperate.

That’s when he found me. The love of my life. All it took was a few email exchanges on an online dating website, and before I met him I made a conscious choice to try to be myself; this meant I did not get super dolled up for our brunch date but went looking “cute” and friendly and open. He was not my type at all. He was the same culture and religion as me, which I told myself I would never do, and he was not my type physically at all. But this time was different. I decided to focus on how he made me feel and give it a chance. And let me tell you, he makes me feel like no other man has ever made me feel. Safe, wanted, loved, cared for, special, funny, desired. What I also realized is that when I am being completely and utterly myself (like the way I am with a best friend; nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be fake about), he is even more crazy about me.

He always told me when we were first dating that he thought I was a “cool girl” and let me tell you, it took a while for me to get there!! I was a nervous girl, a not so confident-don’t know-what I’m doing-girl, but you gave me confidence, Evan. I knew that I should focus on the way he makes me feel and I should focus on making him feel good too (quizzing him on our 3rd date on whether he wants to ever get married would NOT make him feel good, so I didn’t do that, asking him why he didn’t call me one or two days out of the week when he called every other day was NOT going to make him feel good, so I didn’t do that either).

I also learned that it is OKAY for a woman to say what she wants or is important to her in a matter of fact way, and the guy can either take it or leave it. If the man cannot or does not want to provide that, it is up to the woman to decide if she still wants to be with him. After 2 years of dating. I dropped a “hint” and sent him a picture of a ring and told him should he ever consider it in the future, that was my style. A few months later he proposed with that exact same style of ring I sent him. We are getting married on a beach in about 2 weeks now, and I wanted to thank you again for all the work you do. It truly, really, makes a difference. It helped me become the woman I wanted to be (and always knew I could be) in a relationship; confident, open, giving and receiving.

THANK YOU EVAN!!!

-Jules

P.P.S. You’ll notice one of the video tips echoes the same advice as my Pyramid of Love. That’s intentional. Repetition of core ideas is essential for your learning and I really want you to get clear on one key concept: you don’t actually attract bad men!

Click here to get three priceless dating tips that will bring out your best when you meet men.

 

Join our conversation (447 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 401
    Marika

    Emmmmm

    I can’t even! Ez on this thread alone made something like 20 comments about This.Same.Topic. Now YAG is back on the bandwagon. Guys, every time you bring this up, it dilutes the message. This forum is over hearing about you worrying about speed of sex of other dudes.

    Run for parliament on the Women Must Be Consistent platform, start a FB group, write angry letters to the newspaper, something. Else.

    Please.

  2. 402
    Emily, to

    Sparkingling Emerald,

    Also, (and I know many of the females aren’t going to appreciate this), I think there is the “sour grapes” effect going on when women claim they only had sex with a guy because they DIDn’t want him for the long term. Sometimes women (not all women) sleep with a man HOPING it will lead to a long term real relationship, and when it doesn’t turn out that way say “Oh well, I didn’t really like him anyway, I was just using him for sex.” I have actually had girlfriends be very excited about a new guy, and then when the sex with no follow up call happened, suddenly they didn’t really like him anymore.

    This is not intended to be snarky at you, but you have opened up a can narcissism with this comment.  Now the usual suspects on here will think every woman who hooks up/has hooked up with them in a casual situation is secretly madly in love with them. And while I will agree with your comment to a certain extent with some women in some situations, commenter S. and I agreed that we stay away from men we really like for short-term situations. It makes it easier to keep it on the level.

  3. 403
    SparklingEmerald

    YAG at 311 said “Waiting until commitment is just another way of using sex as a bargaining chip (a.k.a. weapon of control).” (reply button not working)

    YAG, I thought the whole deal here was about “consistency”, but now you are whining in general about women not banging men outside of relationships at all as “using sex as a bargaining chip (a.k.a. weapon of control)” So which is it, women must CONSISTENTLY only have sex only within a relationship, or women should never have that standard, and just bang men on their terms only, because to do otherwise, is “weaponizing” sex.

    Elsewhere you have said that casual sex “cheapens” a woman, but that it validates a man and elevates his social status. It seems to me you are the ultimate narcissist here, demanding that women participate in an act that you feel demeans them, but validates and lifts you up. IOW, you are demanding that women build you up, at their own expense. Who’s really “weaponizing” sex and relationships here ?

    1. 403.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      SE wins the internet!

  4. 404
    SparklingEmerald

    Emily at 402 (reply button still not working)

    Glad you aren’t trying to be snarky, but I think hook up culture has already contributed to male narcissism (not all males of course), and my observation about women (not all women of course) is echoed in EMK’s article about “The End of Friends with Benefits ”

    Quote form article “The women I interviewed were eager to build connections, intimacy and trust with their sexual partners. Instead, almost all of them found themselves going along with hookups that induced overwhelming self-doubt, emotional instability and loneliness.”

    So yes, outwardly, many women go along with hook up culture, when what they really want is noted above (or what you call being “secretly madly in love with them.” )

    My words are not a slam against women who really DO enjoy hook up culture, nor intended to buttress male egos, but just more my observation that many women hate hook up culture but go along with it anyway. When they finally say “enough is enough” and adopt a no sex outside of a relationship stance, they get slammed for being “inconsistent”. According to YAG, not banging a guy outside of a relationship is “weaponizing sex”, but really, I think men like YAG who dangle the promise of a relationship in front of women with “no relationship until we get sex ‘out of the way'” are the real “weaponizers”. Of course, I don’t think YAG individually tells women he sleeps with “no sex, no relationship”, but the pervasive hook up culture has led many women to believe that if they don’t “f*** first, ask questions later” they have no chance of ever finding love. Hence “women look for love and find sex”.

    Why do you think women who dislike hook up culture, participate in it ? If they aren’t looking for LOVE but finding sex, what do you think they ARE looking for ? TIA for your response.

  5. 405
    Emily, to

    Sparkling Emerald,

    Why do you think women who dislike hook up culture, participate in it ? If they aren’t looking for LOVE but finding sex, what do you think they ARE looking for ? TIA for your response.

    Well, from my experience and from watching my friends when I was in my 20s  … A) it’s all you think you’re worth and B.) its being intimate without being intimate. You want a sense of connection so you have sex with them but it’s misguided because you either don’t know them well or there’s nothing really going on between you. There were definitely guys in my 20s who I wanted more from, but certainly some I didn’t.

    Now that I’m in my 40s, if I do casual, which is intermittent, I do it much differently. I intentionally stay away from guys I’m really into so as not to get attached and hopeful of what could happen. I also don’t let it go on that long. I call them “drive -thrus.” 🙂

    And in terms of the conversation going on on this blog about women’s sexual standards … I just can’t go there anymore. You’ve been away from the blog for a while. This topic has come up OVER and OVER again with the usual suspects.

  6. 406
    SparklingEmerald

    Emily, to at 405 (reply button still not working for me)
    Thanks for your response. you Said “And in terms of the conversation going on on this blog about women’s sexual standards … I just can’t go there anymore. You’ve been away from the blog for a while. This topic has come up OVER and OVER again with the usual suspects.”

    LOL – I can certainly understand that. I am glad to be out of the game and happily married. I am not even sure why I sometimes lurk here and/or comment. I guess it is kind of like pursuing an old high school yearbook. Glad to be out of HS, but sometimes like to look back on those days. Go figure.

  7. 407
    Emily, to

    Sparkling Emerald,

    I can certainly understand that. I am glad to be out of the game and happily married. I am not even sure why I sometimes lurk here and/or comment. I guess it is kind of like pursuing an old high school yearbook. Glad to be out of HS, but sometimes like to look back on those days. Go figure.

    Yuck. High school. I don’t own my high school yearbooks. That person doesn’t exist anymore. That was 50 Emilys ago. 🙂  But I do hope you stay on the site. You are happily married to a good guy and we need your perspective.

  8. 408
    SparklingEmerald

    E,to said “But I do hope you stay on the site. You are happily married to a good guy and we need your perspective.”

    Sometimes I feel like this site is like the “Hotel California”  where you check out anytime you want, but you can never leave.

     

    I’m glad you enjoy my perspective.  Sometimes I tell myself to stay away, but then someone says they get some inspiration from my posts . . .

     

  9. 409
    Marika

    ETO said to SE:

    But I do hope you stay on the site. You are happily married to a good guy and we need your perspective.

    AGREE!

    We’re losing the married ones…where’s Jeremy? Karl? I’m afraid as soon as Mr Clare pops the question we’ll lose her too!

    Stick around, please. We need the ones who’ve found great relationships, aren’t drowning in negativity and believe in love

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