I Want My Date to Pick Me Up. Does That Make Me a Princess?

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First, let me say that you have changed the way I view men and dating! I can honestly say that I’m having fun dating and have a newfound confidence in myself. But I’m not sure what to do about Chris, a nice guy I met on Match.com. He’s gone out of his way to make me laugh, he follows up via text after a date, and he’s smart, secure, and successful. We’ve been seeing each other a month and will soon have our fourth date. He’s a man with a plan, which I like.

Following your advice, I try to go with the flow and emanate receptive female energy. I like being the catch. However, Chris just texted me that I should meet him at his favorite restaurant for our next date, in his area of town, nearly a half hour drive away. I love the idea of mulligans and looking past our checklists, which I got from “Why He Disappeared” and your newest book, “Believe in Love”. This was a new concept for me. I looked past the sporty jersey Chris favors (I’ve always expected men to dress up for me), but I’m old-fashioned and want to be courted. I want to be picked up, not drive to a part of town I don’t know to meet a man. Yet I’m afraid of coming off as a princess. I’m torn. I like this guy but don’t want to ruin things by insisting he pick me up, yet I don’t want to drive to meet him either. I don’t want to overthink or overanalyze like I used to before I found your advice, yet I can’t seem to shake this one or figure out the best next move. Any thoughts?

Kate

Brian is tall, cute, sane, stable, and relationship-oriented. Even though he’s relationship-oriented, he’s still a man. In other words, he is driven by attraction, likes sex, and tends to move faster because of this. On the third date, he expects you to sleep with him, because that’s what everybody else does and if you were really attracted to him, you would, too. When you refuse, because even though you are attracted to him, you don’t like sleeping with guys who are still active online, Brian tries to negotiate for sex. Eventually he gives up. He says good night. He never calls you again.

Is Brian “wrong”? Well, not in his version of the story. In his version, you seemed really into him, you fooled around a bit, but you were ultimately a tease who had major issues around sex.

In your version, Brian was the guy who didn’t respect your boundaries, who felt entitled to getting his way, even when it didn’t feel comfortable to you. His inability to understand and respect your very valid needs is the reason you’re not seeing him any longer.

Brian acted like a petulant child who didn’t get his way. Don’t be like Brian.

In this hypothetical situation, I’m much more sympathetic to you than I am to Brian. Brian had a vision of how things were “supposed to go” on the third date and when they didn’t go that way, instead of going with the flow, he decided to put bail, and make up some story about how you were a tease to justify his behavior. In fact, Brian acted like a petulant child who didn’t get his way.

Don’t be like Brian.

By the time this blog post comes out, this situation will have already resolved itself. You will have either decided to go with the flow, because it’s no big deal that he asked you to meet him out for your fourth date, or you will have pulled the princess act and decided that this was a dealbreaker.

The major problem most people have in dating — as we can see — is that they have a script in their head about how things are “supposed” to go, and when it doesn’t go according to this script, it becomes problematic. But really, that’s just a form of selfishness, or narcissism or social autism — as if every one in the world has to do things your way or they’re “wrong.”

Men would much rather be appreciated than taken for granted. You’re a modern woman, not a princess.

In successful relationships, 95% of things are no big deal and you let them go, so that when you do speak up on the 5%, he pays attention. Which is why — if he’s a great guy, nagging him about his jersey is pointless. This 4th date chivalry thing is in the same category. If Chris has done everything right for three dates — calling, planning, driving, paying – this is exactly when you should be OFFERING to pick up the check or cook him dinner.

If that’s hard to fathom when I talk so much about feminine energy, it’s really quite simple. Men would much rather be appreciated than taken for granted. You’re a modern woman, not a princess. He’s a man, not a manservant and not an ATM. So really, help a guy out, will ya?

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Jacinth

    Yes RJ those women do exist.I’ve dated 5 men in the last 8 years and have never slept with any of them.I make my stance known early in our conversation even before the first date. And two lasted well into two years.

    How can women be sleeping with everyman they date?

  2. 42
    QB

    Thanks Kate for the update. I wish you better luck next time! As someone has already mentioned, I think the bigger problem here is that Kate and Chris met only three times in a month. That definitely doesn’t cut it for me. In my case, we have gone out 6 times in three weeks… which averages to twice a week. I don’t think I can build anything meaningful with someone I only see every ten days. I do have a similar problem as Kate did though although neither the guy nor I have a car as we live in a city where everything is so localized – having a car is more of a status thing, or if you have children etc.

     

    Anyway, on our sixth date, we suggested a restaurant in our area (we work in the same area) and he asked me where I would like to meet. I suggested a spot in between us then we could walk there together. He then counter-suggested another spot that is slightly closer to his office and is literally two minutes’ walk from the spot I suggested earlier! So as you can imagine I got really annoyed. You asked me where to meet and when I made the suggestion (and not even an unreasonable one tbh), you were too lazy to walk two minutes to meet me? WTF? I told him not that I minded but he did ask me where to meet. In the end he agreed to meet me at the spot I initially suggested.

     

    Normally I would just call it quits as I really cannot be bothered dating someone who is too lazy to even walk two minutes to meet me. But then my friend asked me to look at the bigger picture here — this guy has done everything right for the past five dates: he always followed up and asked to see me again right after every date, and he took me to Michelin-starred restaurants and paid for everything. So my friend said I should give him a chance — or mulligan in the EMK speak.

     

    I will say, if this particular behavior persists I wouldn’t be able to tolerate it as it indicates general laziness on his part. But for now, I’m letting this one slide and chalk it up to him being clueless.

    1. 42.1
      Adrian

      Hi QB,

      Please read this whole thing before getting angry or thinking I am trying to attack you or your character.

      Do you receive Evan’s newsletters via email?

      He literally just spoke on this scenario you are talking about. It was titled “If You Want to Date a Confident Leader, You Have to Let Him Lead”

       

      Here is a quote from it:  What nice guys don’t realize is that you’re not looking for a man to cater to your whims.  

      You’re looking for a man to lead, to make sound decisions, to drive the car while you ride shotgun.  Yet the guys who do that – the leaders – are often the most arrogant, most difficult, most combustible ones around. Right?  How do you find a guy who puts you first, but ALSO can take the lead?Well, if it’s not by trying to change the alpha male, what do you have left?The nice guy.  But there’s a problem. And, believe it or not, you may be at the root of it.  You want the nice guy to lead, but you refuse to let him do it.  Before you get angry, think about it for a second.  He suggests a bar. You tell him you’d prefer one in a different part of town.He suggests a movie. You tell him that you weren’t crazy about the reviews.He suggests a weekend trip. You tell him you had another destination in mind.He suggests a new position in the bedroom. You say you don’t do that.  Your intentions are pure – you want what you want – but the message that you’re sending to him is unmistakable:  You can be a leader and make decisions, as long as I have final approval.  And if the nice guy wants to please you, why should he even bother to make any decision that you’re just going to overrule anyway? He might as well ask you that awful question:  “What do YOU want to do?”  Hey, at least he knows you’re not going to shoot down your  own  idea.  

      ….

      QB to me it doesn’t sound like the guy was being lazy, it sounds like he asked for your opinion, then countered with another suggestion for something he thought was better, yet for some reason this made YOU angry. He honored your suggestion by making his counter offer a place that is still close to your original suggestion (2 minutes away).

      My thinking is that he wanted a spot that he thought would be better to impress you or that would make you happier since he is in the process of courting/trying to win you; but you took it as him just wanting to be 2 minutes closer to his job.

      Of course I don’t know the full story and there may be more to it to justify why you got so upset at his suggestion; my answer is only based off what you wrote.

      However, based off of what you wrote, I disagree with your friend. I think you should dump the guy, because if you got upset over something so trivial as a two minute walking distance and YOU also think NOT dumping a guy over that small matter is a mulligan, and you should be praised for it…

      Then you two are not compatible. I’m trying to say this as nicely as possible since I don’t know you and you may be the world sweetest woman, but he would be better off with someone who doesn’t want to end a relationship over small things, a woman who sees his efforts without needing an outsider (your friend) to show it to her and you would be better off with someone who will obediently do as you say.

      He doesn’t have to be a push over, but it sounds like it would be best if the nice guy with balls for you has a little more nice and a little less balls.

      1. 42.1.1
        QB

        Thanks for your input Adrian. I do not think it is trivial at all though. How would you feel if every time your gf asks you what you feel like for dinner and you say steak only to have her suggest “how about sushi?” — This is what I was having a problem with. This might not be a dealbreaker, but it sure is annoying and I just think it’s a bit too early on in a relationship for someone to show traits like this. The only explanation I have is that according to him, he has never been in a relationship before (he is in his mid-30s) so he can be a bit clueless.

         

        Anyway. Just wanted to follow up on my date: he asked me out again that night before the date was over and I accepted. We were supposed to meet yesterday and just a few hours before we were supposed to meet, he texted me and said he THINKS he MIGHT be too tired to meet after his lunch with friends and wants to reschedule. To me, I think he is a grown man and I expect him (or any grown person) to arrange his time in a manner that does not interrupt his original plans. I would be more understanding if something important came up or if he fell sick or something, but “thinks” he “might” be too tired over something like Sunday lunch with friends does not fall into that category. He did try to reschedule right away and I told him I might be able to meet next week… if he follows up with plans and all then we’ll see how it goes I guess. But after the way he canceled on me, my interest is seriously dampened.

        1. Adrian

          Hi QB,

          Thanks for the update. What I and Evan was speaking of is a man who is trying but he is dating a woman who says she wants him to but doesn’t allow him to.

          If your guy is doing this on a regular bases, then it sound like he is a selfish person. The example of him cancelling your date last minute proves it. He is either selfish or he is not really excited about the thought of dating you a.k.a “he is not really into you.”

          My personal suggestion is for you to dump him and find someone better. By giving him another chance, you are setting up the dynamic for him to feel doing things like this is acceptable while with you.

  3. 43
    Anon

    I don’t know man. Haha. It really depends on how you want to be treated in the looooong run. If you have a problem with him not picking you up and it’s the fourth date… even if he does pick you up after you explain your discomfort with it, eventually he’s  not gonna want to pick you up for a date anymore. So maybe this particular guy isn’t for you. There will be the non-doormat guy out there that wants to pick you just because he feels that is the way he wants to show you he really cares about  you. Just like some girls will feel “weak” or “smothered” if the guy always wants to pick them up, some guys don’t feel inclined to pick the girl up by the time the fourth date rolls around. It’s up to you to pick what you like!

    My boyfriend of 1 year and three months  picks me up always, even if it’s just to go back to hang out at his place, but that wasn’t because I asked or because I wanted it… he just does it. I never thought this was a thing but now that it is one for me it’s great. It’s really not that much trouble to drive over to the guy but the effort is great.

    Guys – think of it this way – when you do something that pisses your girl off, but she doesn’t mention it to you, she just rants to her girl friends about it and lets it go and – again – doesn’t mention it to you… the reason she doesn’t is because losing the little things you do for her as well as the bigger things  isn’t worth   it. But you have to make yourself worth overlooking the things that piss her off. If every other relationship is gonna follow the whole “I pay this meal, you pay the next. You drive here, I drive there” then why not make yourself stand out? A girl is much more likely to overlook issues here and there if you are better than most guys! And I’m not saying girls are supposed to kick back and let you spoil them without doing anything in return – not that guys should expect it but be equally as appreciative as the girl should be when the courtesy is returned. There are ways a woman can spoil a man more than other women do. Sex is great. But lets be honest, some women don’t do as much as others in bed. Soo while it’s amazing to have a man be a generous lover in bed, why not be the same and more? Not necessarily in the typical, “Look honey I made breakfast in bed and did all your laundry!” but surprising him with random meals when he’s not asking for it or asking about his favorite games or sport teams and actually investing time into actually learning his hobbies. You might be surprised and actually really be into sports or video games or golf or whatever!

    This turned out to be a bigger post than I expected but eh, take it as you will. Bye.

  4. 44
    Amber

    I never get in a stranger’s car….I always drive myself and meet out ..Then I can leave when I want and do what I want…Men start take advantage when you drive to them especially when their place is only place be alone they expect you to go there all time…Then they think you don’t care when your too tired to drive… That’s why I have 10 boyfriend’s when one acts up I go out with the next….whoever goes out of his way more to see me I go with him…I don’t have time to drive 30 min to hour I’m busy….If he can’t come my way…oh well someone else will…..There are plenty of fish in the Sea….=)

  5. 45
    ICantEvenFindTheBox

    Not to come of as being judgemental, but your being selfish. Think about it: if your date drove you to the location,  it would mean that they would have to be tee total for the whole time, during the date. Most people need a bit of a drink to relax, but the amount differs from person to person. Sometimes (read most times) people need more than what is considered illegal to drive, to relax. Next time, catch a cab. Wow, I wrote that before looking at the comments people had already made. People are funny, such odd dating ideas. I like the idea that women should be treated like gold, because of no other reason than they are women. I disagree. I would rather treat a woman like a human being than a piece of metal that only has value due to its rarity. However just looking at what people say and how they say it gives incredible insight into how they view the world. For example, the notion that women should be treated as gold because they are women, expresses a traditionalistic approach to relationships. The man does blue jobs, the woman does pink jobs. Most women seem to adhere to the traditional idea of gender roles in a relationship, but paradoxically eschew the traditional roles. For example, women are not confined to the kitchen, but men should be confined to the role of protector in the relationship. Women should be free to freely express their opinion on any matter, men should pick up the tab when taking a date out. Women should be  free to make their own decisions on any matter including when they should and shouldn’t take the lead, men should take the lead in situations.  Women are just as capable as men at making choices, men should choose where they go on a date. It’s similar to those old fashioned movies where the man is driving the car and the woman is happy to go along with it until she doesn’t like the man driving, to which she responds by jumping out of the car. Holy bananas, that was the perfect metaphor for dating.

  6. 46
    LShaw

    What is the world coming to? Call me old-fashioned, but I expect my daughters’ dates to pick them up.   (Unless it’s a date resulting from a on-line meeting, and in that case, safety prevails!).   Basically, I am seeing here that as the decades progress, men have less and less respect for women.    If you do the asking, you should be prepared and willing to provide transportation out of courtesy, or don’t ask. If she wants to help and make your life easier, then let her offer, AFTER you have offered first.    Sure she is capable of operating a car, but what I hear is:

    1.   You’re not worth any extra EFFORT.   I am not willing to go out of my way to win you .

    2.   I know it will be late and dark when the date concludes, but your safety is not my concern.

    3.   I am getting bored and losing interest in you

    It irks me immensely when a guy asks my daughters to drive 30 minutes or more to meet them for a dinner date.   If they are an exclusive couple, I can see it once in a while. But I have been known to ask my daughter to text me when she gets back home from these type dates   to let me know she made it safely, and her date doesn’t even follow up with her that evening to ensure her safety.   Gosh, when their grandmother leaves our house at dark, we always have her call us to make  sure she arrived home safely. Folks, there   are predators lurking at night. And guess what, my daughters usually lose interest fast in a guy that does not make them feel special when they are attempting to win their affections.  And to irk me further, one daughter has an extremely tiring and stressful job.   By Fridays, she is wiped out.   If you can’t pick her up, don’t ask.

    Signed.   Mad Mom

  7. 47
    Nissa

    I know this is an old post, but I still find it interesting. I was talking to a friend recently and she indicated that she does a lot of things differently when she is first dating. My question to her was, did she ever think that she was giving the other person a false perception of her? Wouldn’t it be more fair to be exactly who you are, so that the other person could see what they would be getting and be able to make an informed choice?

    My friend felt that it was important to ‘put your best foot forward’ and to be more accommodating than she really wanted to be, because men often looked at the smallest thing and decided that it was a deal-breaker if you did it in the first few weeks or months of dating. However, if you made it past that time, you could do the same things and it wouldn’t matter.

    To be honest, I think she’s right. It feels fake and wrong to me, but it seems effective. If I was the above poster, I’d do it his way for the first few months (and definitely ask him if he has a reason for doing things that way – he might actually have a valid reason). After that if you still like him, let him know your preferences. If he’s willing to do it your way, great! If not, it’s time to part ways.

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