Have you ever been nervous about a first date?
Not because you’re insecure that he’s going to like you; you’re actually quite confident that most men will respond to you.
The nervousness I’m referring to comes wanting to know what happens AFTER the first date. Your questions buzz through your head.
Is he financially stable?
Is he close with his family? Is he emotionally available?
Is he in a place where he wants a long-term relationship?
Is he going to call me tomorrow to say he wants to see me again?
In other words, you want to know the future – and protect yourself from heartbreak by figuring it out as soon as possible.
I don’t blame you. The problem is that even HE doesn’t know the future.
Let me share a story with you. I got a new private client the other day. Early 40’s, bright, successful, and really excited about coaching and learning about the opposite sex. This woman is not just an avid dater – she’s a learning-about-men MACHINE. (I love women like this, by the way.)
As she peppered me with questions, it was clear to me that she had done a lot of research. It was also clear that she had her ideas formed by what she had read previously.
This is dangerous.
You know what a first date is for? It’s for FUN.
Because while there’s a lot of good stuff out there, no one expert has all the answers. When you start believing that one person (including me) has the gospel, you cease being a critical thinker. I read a lot, but I always draw my own conclusions and judge whether it’s effective in the real world. I would encourage you to do so as well.
Here’s a perfect example of advice that sounds good in theory, but doesn’t hold up in practice:
Two prominent relationship experts – both 50-year-old women who haven’t dated in 20 years - advise women to tell men what they’re looking for on a first date.
They suggest that if you’re serious about marriage and children, you should put that on the table from the get-go on Date 1. The theory is that you don’t want to waste time – yours or his – and if your “honesty” frightens him off, he’s not the right guy for you.
This is WRONG. Dead wrong. Like, it’s so wrong, that I can’t even fathom that my esteemed, well-intentioned colleagues would pass this off as valid advice to unsuspecting women who trust them with their lives.
In being “honest”, you’re sabotaging the dating process and making the man NOT want to get to know you better.
Not because you want to get married and have kids – he does, too! – but because you sound needy and desperate and tone-deaf to the normal conventions of first dates.
You know what a first date is for? It’s for FUN. It’s for you to get a better sense of me and whether I’m a solid catch, it’s for me to determine if we’ve got some attraction and easy conversation – and it’s for both of us to determine whether there’s enough potential to meet for a second date. That’s all.