Why Do Men Who Seem Like Promising Prospects End Up Breaking Up With Me?
I’m really excited to be here today, breaking out my new little FlipCam video just for you. The reason I’m doing this video blog is because after reading through nearly 1500 of your most intimate questions, some common themes became apparent.
And instead of waiting to complete my new book, I wanted to share the most powerful observations I had based on your survey answers.
The first big misunderstanding you have about men is a big one. In fact, if there’s one thing that you can take away from anything I write ever again, it’s this one.
Men Are About Feelings, Not About Looks
If you’ve ever been baffled at how men sometimes pull away from you, believe me, I understand. I’ve been dumped before and I remember the raw confusion, trying to reconcile how something so good could possibly go bad.
Now as a man, I don’t claim to speak for every guy, everywhere. I only speak for good, solid, relationship oriented men — the guys who are over the drama of dating hot, crazy women. Guys who want to date hot, crazy women aren’t really good relationship bets, so you shouldn’t worry too much when they disappear.
Anyway, every normal guy has had the experience of dating someone attractive and then breaking up with her. The physical is what pulls us in, but there’s a high price to pay for this kind of dysfunctional relationship.
You’ve probably done the same thing: been so drawn by attraction that you never looked up and considered that you’re always fighting, you’re always breaking up, and that, in between the great sex, there’s very little peace and contentment.
Are men drawn to smart, strong, successful women? You bet. The same way that you’re drawn to smart, strong, successful men. Really. Those characteristics are universally attractive and are considerable assets to you.
But where women and men often diverge is that we’re looking for different things. You’re looking for a man who is taller, stronger, smarter, funnier, wealthier.
We’re not. We’re looking for what we doesn’t have ourselves, what we can’t get at work, what we can’t get from our male friends: warmth, compassion, kindness, generosity, femininity.
Thus, your brains and beauty will always attract men, but they won’t keep them.
Thus, your brains and beauty will always attract men, but they won’t keep them.
Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws.
And if we don’t get all of that, we’re going to find a woman who does.
That’s why it doesn’t matter how impressive you are. You could be a Rhodes Scholar/TopChef/Supermodel, but if we constantly feel criticized, micromanaged, unattractive, emasculated, pressured and undermined, we’re gonna move on.
So when you’re trying to assess how to keep a guy around, remember:
Men are about feelings, not about looks.
Make us feel like a million bucks and we’re not going anywhere.
I totally agree with this, but what I find difficult is that when a man is in a different stage than you are, they can interpret life experience not really adoring them. For instance, I recently dated a man who was 10 years younger, and he had had a lot less life experience professionally and world wise. So, what was great about this, was that I really practiced keeping it light. However, what was hard was that I felt like I could not talk about the things I had done or seen because it was always more than what he had done. Also, even from the beginning, I did not think he was interested in me.
In turn, I think this was emasculating to him, and in fact, he never really asked me about my life. In addition, he would confide some problems in me, and I suppose I was not as supportive as I could have been. I mean I was supportive, in that I asked about the issues, and I was encouraging, but I did give him some advise on how to handle some things. Maybe that was emasculating as well. I should not have given him any advise.
Clearly, he was not the man for me, but it was hurtful because I could see where it was going. The challenge is to find someone where you can shine, and indeed, you can help them shine too! And that is what I wanted to do, but I suppose I failed. I felt like I could not shine, and after this, I realized maybe I did not make him feel like a man.
But this is where two people who are right for each other don’t have these issues. A man who was in a different stage may not have seen my comments as emasculating. There have been times when I brow beat a man with everything I knew and really tested him, but in this case I never did.
Thoughts?
I can fully relate to this as well, although the age differences were different and gender roles it felt the same for me too. I was dating a girl 3 years younger than me both in our 20’s but I say ‘girl’ because she was mentally stuck the high school phase while I was 3 years into running my own business and brought many nice things including experience from several relationships. I felt like she didnt really have the same mind set as I did. I was quite mature and foward focused, always driven while she was far more laid back didnt have much life experience to chat about, kind had that smoking/drinking is cool attitude. I never brought up my past relationships cause she did’nt have many to talk about. She was no doubht a good girl that i genuinely respected, but it really seemed like i was talking to a teenager most of the time; naieve and simple minded. Out of respect i let her go, i think someone else was more suited for her.
Wow. This is almost the exact same issue I recently had with a guy I was dating. He was 7 years younger and also NEVER asked me about my life, but constantly confided In me about all of his life woes like I was his mother. I would offer up info and he would listen, but then he’d tell me things like that he’d never even been to a concert! (He is 28…) everything had a “poor me” undertone. I feel like I was everything and more to this guy, yet he still gave me the heaveho after 5 weeks… he even told me the thing he liked about me most was that I “got” him; which is what so many of these dating advice gurus say is the magic key to men 😑 it left me wondering what the hell I did that was so wrong that this guy just HAD to get away. So I wonder if there is some sort of emasculation issue when dating younger men.
Evan, as always, it was great to listen to you and see you ! What a wonderful idea to get this on video! I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy reading your blog, advice , etc. It still surprizes me every time how much insight you give. You being such a young person, but understanding so much of this male-female world. OK, I understand it’s the experience that you have- but still , I believe it’s remarkable. And thank you for having opinions and taking a stand. It is too often that people helping other people (psychologists) just let the person explore the possibilities, but often in the end leave him at square one as they do not want to influence his decision. Listening to you is like having someone behind enemy lines! I finally understand what guys are all about. Thanks. And by the way, some of your colleagues, in the same business ( a C.C. for instance does not even give a fraction of any valuable advice in his e-book- just blah, blah, blah stuff and a LOT of self marketing). All the best Grace . Warsaw -Poland
Very informative, I appreciate your insight!
Hey Mark, you are so nice to look at, plus you are giving out some great insights. Thank you!
Michelle,
If a man is secure, there is no need to hold back like you did. My girlfriend is 16 years older than me and has many experiences that I do not, particularly with international travel and knowing people around the world.
In my opinion, that balances things out between us. I have knowledge and experience that she lacks as well.
As one of your clients, I recall how much you emphasized this.
With my current boyfriend, he frequently tells me “you really know how to make a man feel good.” I took your advice to heart and am doing my best to employ your suggestions.
I really liked what you had to say and it made perfect sense to me. On the flip side, there are some guys out there that no matter how good you make them feel and no matter what you do for them they don’t appreciate it enough because of their own selfishness. In the end they still break up with you. Bottom line, I wasn’t the one for him and he wasn’t the one for me; after all you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole no matter how much you try. Sometimes no matter how much you may care about someone, you may just not be good together. Two good people going their separate ways to find what they’re looking for; a partner!
I think the same can be said about why women break up with men. I may find you attractive and like your established career, and the fact that you can renovate a spare room or share your travels around the world, but if you treat me as less than an equal where I do not feel loved and accepted unconditionally, despite my flaws, I won’t stay in the relationship for long. If you make me feel constantly criticized, unattractive, browbeaten, pressured, abused, disrespected, etc., I will surely move on.
But I know ~ it’s women asking the question. 😉
Hey Evan, btw- you are quite charming to look and listen to, and from my experience I think you are on the mark. One thing though about ‘making a man feel like a million bucks, is I believe it needs to be genuine and the man needs to be in a place where he can feel, notice and accept it. When the effort/appreciation is returned on his part, that needs to be felt, acknowledged and accepted by the woman too so she can keep her ‘efforts’ up. Compassion on both parts is essential. A couple should not be coming at their relationship as if they are enemies. I think that is one of the big mistakes many of us women make, because of our hurts, we presume may men are dangerous. Because many men are big and move boldly – we can sense danger. I thnk we do need to remember the vulnerability and humaness inside of our men friends. From that place I think we can welcome them and offer ourselves as lovers. As to a relationship working with any particular person, there are so many factors in play, chemstry, timing/readiness, work, social, spiritual compatibility, ability to commit and take a chance, and maybe a little bit of luck.
Best to all , Alison
very good point and advice. Thank you.
Hi Evan: Sounds like a good point, but I was disappointed that you did not give an example. Why don’t you give a good and bad scenario instead of the generality of “making a man feel good?”
Evan,
At the risk of sounding like I am sucking up to you once again your advice is the most sane and sensible advice out there. It is truly helpful to women if they are willing to listen.
You see, women who are hot, smart and “crazy” don’t know that they are crazy. They do know they are hot and smart. So if a man rejects the crazy part she doesn’t have a clue why she will label him noncomittal, uncaring or even worse abusive because he doesn’t stick around playing her crazy game.
And of course there is the guy who is also crazy but that it is another post.
Good advice and it’s always great to be reminded that men want (need) to be admired by a woman and that it makes them feel good when we do just that.
I was one who had sent in a “why did he just disappear” question. My guy finally called after not hearing from him for 6 weeks and told me he was moving to the opposite end of the country (he lost his job) and then explained he disappeared because he had gotten scared. Closure really came for me when he confessed to me that while he was seeing me he had never really broken communication between he and his ex.
All that to say yes, sometimes I am certain guys disappear for the reason you outlined so eloquently Evan. I submit that sometimes they disappear because they feel guilty, aren’t really available, or haven’t communicated as forthrightly as they should have.
In my case, I am at least grateful that I got closure even though it still hurt. I had never experienced a guy I had dated for a couple of months just up and disappearing before and it really rocked my confidence. Maybe sometimes we think a guy is great, is what we are looking for and all the signs say he’s enjoying things too. We can’t always know what is going on in someone’s world.
Still, great advice and thanks for making us see things from the male perspective.
Yeah, giving advice to women about why men disappear does NOT excuse men who are unavailable or freaked out. It only goes to show you what you CAN control – yourself – rather than what you CAN’T control – the mindset of men. Thanks for your thoughts.
Awesome…wish I had learned this a lot earlier. : )
@Diana #8
Yes, like most things, this is not gender specific. Thanks for pointing that out.
I’ll echo along and say that I think this is great advice. I also agree with Diana & Selena that this advice goes for both men & women.
My only piece of advice is for Evan regarding the form, rather than the content, of his post. I preferred the previous videos where you had been talking to a crowd. You seemed more relaxed & conversational, and there was some movement so we weren’t always seeing you from the same angle. But this is very minor, and just something I thought you’d like to know since you’re starting the video blog thing.
This is sooooo true! I wish all women could hear this. As a man, I can attest that it is the addition of all of this respectful type of treatments or behaviors that makes couples stay together for their entire lifetimes, and the lack of it that breaks couples up. There is no one that can make us men feel better than you do ladies…and no one that can make us feel more like worthless pieces of human excrement than you do too. You wield tremendous power, maybe we do to, I don’t know, but nothing can make a man fell more like a man than a woman. NOT better versions of ourselves mind you, but rather, we want someone who makes us feel like we are better than we actually are…and guess what; when that happens, we do actually become better than we were. We become better men because we have something to live up to…who wants to go through life knowing that you were a crumcake in actuality when she thought you were here her hero? Every guy wants to be your hero…encourage that and you will be amazed at what you get in return!Warning though…if you do, and he doesn’t, it simply means you just found out a valuable piece of information…he just doesn’t have it in him, and it’s time to move on. This is how you select a good man!
Hint: let him make decisions and say it, out loud, in public, in front of people! You will have your hearts desires!!!
I wanted to pooh-pooh this post based on the headline but EMK is actually right on. I articulate it like this: looks and body create the initial attraction, what keeps us around is how she makes us feel, and what we’re looking for is a partner who is good at being “girlfriendy.”
This paragraph is gold: “Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws.”
If a chick isn’t good at being a terrific girlfriend, I’d dump her in a heartbeat even if she was the hottest chick in the world.
Interestingly, there’s a whole subset of sex work that offers something called the “Girlfriend Experience” where the guys pay the escort to act like terrific girlfriends.
More guys’ opinions, please!