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I’m really excited to be here today, breaking out my new little FlipCam video just for you. The reason I’m doing this video blog is because after reading through nearly 1500 of your most intimate questions, some common themes became apparent.
And instead of waiting to complete my new book, I wanted to share the most powerful observations I had based on your survey answers.
The first big misunderstanding you have about men is a big one. In fact, if there’s one thing that you can take away from anything I write ever again, it’s this one.
Men Are About Feelings, Not About Looks
If you’ve ever been baffled at how men sometimes pull away from you, believe me, I understand. I’ve been dumped before and I remember the raw confusion, trying to reconcile how something so good could possibly go bad.
Now as a man, I don’t claim to speak for every guy, everywhere. I only speak for good, solid, relationship oriented men — the guys who are over the drama of dating hot, crazy women. Guys who want to date hot, crazy women aren’t really good relationship bets, so you shouldn’t worry too much when they disappear.
Anyway, every normal guy has had the experience of dating someone attractive and then breaking up with her. The physical is what pulls us in, but there’s a high price to pay for this kind of dysfunctional relationship.
You’ve probably done the same thing: been so drawn by attraction that you never looked up and considered that you’re always fighting, you’re always breaking up, and that, in between the great sex, there’s very little peace and contentment.
Are men drawn to smart, strong, successful women? You bet. The same way that you’re drawn to smart, strong, successful men. Really. Those characteristics are universally attractive and are considerable assets to you.
But where women and men often diverge is that we’re looking for different things. You’re looking for a man who is taller, stronger, smarter, funnier, wealthier.
We’re not. We’re looking for what we doesn’t have ourselves, what we can’t get at work, what we can’t get from our male friends: warmth, compassion, kindness, generosity, femininity.
Thus, your brains and beauty will always attract men, but they won’t keep them.
Thus, your brains and beauty will always attract men, but they won’t keep them.
Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws.
And if we don’t get all of that, we’re going to find a woman who does.
That’s why it doesn’t matter how impressive you are. You could be a Rhodes Scholar/TopChef/Supermodel, but if we constantly feel criticized, micromanaged, unattractive, emasculated, pressured and undermined, we’re gonna move on.
So when you’re trying to assess how to keep a guy around, remember:
Men are about feelings, not about looks.
Make us feel like a million bucks and we’re not going anywhere.
I totally agree with this, but what I find difficult is that when a man is in a different stage than you are, they can interpret life experience not really adoring them. For instance, I recently dated a man who was 10 years younger, and he had had a lot less life experience professionally and world wise. So, what was great about this, was that I really practiced keeping it light. However, what was hard was that I felt like I could not talk about the things I had done or seen because it was always more than what he had done. Also, even from the beginning, I did not think he was interested in me.
In turn, I think this was emasculating to him, and in fact, he never really asked me about my life. In addition, he would confide some problems in me, and I suppose I was not as supportive as I could have been. I mean I was supportive, in that I asked about the issues, and I was encouraging, but I did give him some advise on how to handle some things. Maybe that was emasculating as well. I should not have given him any advise.
Clearly, he was not the man for me, but it was hurtful because I could see where it was going. The challenge is to find someone where you can shine, and indeed, you can help them shine too! And that is what I wanted to do, but I suppose I failed. I felt like I could not shine, and after this, I realized maybe I did not make him feel like a man.
But this is where two people who are right for each other don’t have these issues. A man who was in a different stage may not have seen my comments as emasculating. There have been times when I brow beat a man with everything I knew and really tested him, but in this case I never did.
Thoughts?
I can fully relate to this as well, although the age differences were different and gender roles it felt the same for me too. I was dating a girl 3 years younger than me both in our 20’s but I say ‘girl’ because she was mentally stuck the high school phase while I was 3 years into running my own business and brought many nice things including experience from several relationships. I felt like she didnt really have the same mind set as I did. I was quite mature and foward focused, always driven while she was far more laid back didnt have much life experience to chat about, kind had that smoking/drinking is cool attitude. I never brought up my past relationships cause she did’nt have many to talk about. She was no doubht a good girl that i genuinely respected, but it really seemed like i was talking to a teenager most of the time; naieve and simple minded. Out of respect i let her go, i think someone else was more suited for her.
Wow. This is almost the exact same issue I recently had with a guy I was dating. He was 7 years younger and also NEVER asked me about my life, but constantly confided In me about all of his life woes like I was his mother. I would offer up info and he would listen, but then he’d tell me things like that he’d never even been to a concert! (He is 28…) everything had a “poor me” undertone. I feel like I was everything and more to this guy, yet he still gave me the heaveho after 5 weeks… he even told me the thing he liked about me most was that I “got” him; which is what so many of these dating advice gurus say is the magic key to men 😑 it left me wondering what the hell I did that was so wrong that this guy just HAD to get away. So I wonder if there is some sort of emasculation issue when dating younger men.
Evan, as always, it was great to listen to you and see you ! What a wonderful idea to get this on video! I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy reading your blog, advice , etc. It still surprizes me every time how much insight you give. You being such a young person, but understanding so much of this male-female world. OK, I understand it’s the experience that you have- but still , I believe it’s remarkable. And thank you for having opinions and taking a stand. It is too often that people helping other people (psychologists) just let the person explore the possibilities, but often in the end leave him at square one as they do not want to influence his decision. Listening to you is like having someone behind enemy lines! I finally understand what guys are all about. Thanks. And by the way, some of your colleagues, in the same business ( a C.C. for instance does not even give a fraction of any valuable advice in his e-book- just blah, blah, blah stuff and a LOT of self marketing). All the best Grace . Warsaw -Poland
Very informative, I appreciate your insight!
Hey Mark, you are so nice to look at, plus you are giving out some great insights. Thank you!
Michelle,
If a man is secure, there is no need to hold back like you did. My girlfriend is 16 years older than me and has many experiences that I do not, particularly with international travel and knowing people around the world.
In my opinion, that balances things out between us. I have knowledge and experience that she lacks as well.
As one of your clients, I recall how much you emphasized this.
With my current boyfriend, he frequently tells me “you really know how to make a man feel good.” I took your advice to heart and am doing my best to employ your suggestions.
I really liked what you had to say and it made perfect sense to me. On the flip side, there are some guys out there that no matter how good you make them feel and no matter what you do for them they don’t appreciate it enough because of their own selfishness. In the end they still break up with you. Bottom line, I wasn’t the one for him and he wasn’t the one for me; after all you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole no matter how much you try. Sometimes no matter how much you may care about someone, you may just not be good together. Two good people going their separate ways to find what they’re looking for; a partner!
I think the same can be said about why women break up with men. I may find you attractive and like your established career, and the fact that you can renovate a spare room or share your travels around the world, but if you treat me as less than an equal where I do not feel loved and accepted unconditionally, despite my flaws, I won’t stay in the relationship for long. If you make me feel constantly criticized, unattractive, browbeaten, pressured, abused, disrespected, etc., I will surely move on.
But I know ~ it’s women asking the question. 😉
Hey Evan, btw- you are quite charming to look and listen to, and from my experience I think you are on the mark. One thing though about ‘making a man feel like a million bucks, is I believe it needs to be genuine and the man needs to be in a place where he can feel, notice and accept it. When the effort/appreciation is returned on his part, that needs to be felt, acknowledged and accepted by the woman too so she can keep her ‘efforts’ up. Compassion on both parts is essential. A couple should not be coming at their relationship as if they are enemies. I think that is one of the big mistakes many of us women make, because of our hurts, we presume may men are dangerous. Because many men are big and move boldly – we can sense danger. I thnk we do need to remember the vulnerability and humaness inside of our men friends. From that place I think we can welcome them and offer ourselves as lovers. As to a relationship working with any particular person, there are so many factors in play, chemstry, timing/readiness, work, social, spiritual compatibility, ability to commit and take a chance, and maybe a little bit of luck.
Best to all , Alison
very good point and advice. Thank you.
Hi Evan: Sounds like a good point, but I was disappointed that you did not give an example. Why don’t you give a good and bad scenario instead of the generality of “making a man feel good?”
Evan,
At the risk of sounding like I am sucking up to you once again your advice is the most sane and sensible advice out there. It is truly helpful to women if they are willing to listen.
You see, women who are hot, smart and “crazy” don’t know that they are crazy. They do know they are hot and smart. So if a man rejects the crazy part she doesn’t have a clue why she will label him noncomittal, uncaring or even worse abusive because he doesn’t stick around playing her crazy game.
And of course there is the guy who is also crazy but that it is another post.
Good advice and it’s always great to be reminded that men want (need) to be admired by a woman and that it makes them feel good when we do just that.
I was one who had sent in a “why did he just disappear” question. My guy finally called after not hearing from him for 6 weeks and told me he was moving to the opposite end of the country (he lost his job) and then explained he disappeared because he had gotten scared. Closure really came for me when he confessed to me that while he was seeing me he had never really broken communication between he and his ex.
All that to say yes, sometimes I am certain guys disappear for the reason you outlined so eloquently Evan. I submit that sometimes they disappear because they feel guilty, aren’t really available, or haven’t communicated as forthrightly as they should have.
In my case, I am at least grateful that I got closure even though it still hurt. I had never experienced a guy I had dated for a couple of months just up and disappearing before and it really rocked my confidence. Maybe sometimes we think a guy is great, is what we are looking for and all the signs say he’s enjoying things too. We can’t always know what is going on in someone’s world.
Still, great advice and thanks for making us see things from the male perspective.
Yeah, giving advice to women about why men disappear does NOT excuse men who are unavailable or freaked out. It only goes to show you what you CAN control – yourself – rather than what you CAN’T control – the mindset of men. Thanks for your thoughts.
Awesome…wish I had learned this a lot earlier. : )
@Diana #8
Yes, like most things, this is not gender specific. Thanks for pointing that out.
I’ll echo along and say that I think this is great advice. I also agree with Diana & Selena that this advice goes for both men & women.
My only piece of advice is for Evan regarding the form, rather than the content, of his post. I preferred the previous videos where you had been talking to a crowd. You seemed more relaxed & conversational, and there was some movement so we weren’t always seeing you from the same angle. But this is very minor, and just something I thought you’d like to know since you’re starting the video blog thing.
This is sooooo true! I wish all women could hear this. As a man, I can attest that it is the addition of all of this respectful type of treatments or behaviors that makes couples stay together for their entire lifetimes, and the lack of it that breaks couples up. There is no one that can make us men feel better than you do ladies…and no one that can make us feel more like worthless pieces of human excrement than you do too. You wield tremendous power, maybe we do to, I don’t know, but nothing can make a man fell more like a man than a woman. NOT better versions of ourselves mind you, but rather, we want someone who makes us feel like we are better than we actually are…and guess what; when that happens, we do actually become better than we were. We become better men because we have something to live up to…who wants to go through life knowing that you were a crumcake in actuality when she thought you were here her hero? Every guy wants to be your hero…encourage that and you will be amazed at what you get in return!Warning though…if you do, and he doesn’t, it simply means you just found out a valuable piece of information…he just doesn’t have it in him, and it’s time to move on. This is how you select a good man!
Hint: let him make decisions and say it, out loud, in public, in front of people! You will have your hearts desires!!!
I wanted to pooh-pooh this post based on the headline but EMK is actually right on. I articulate it like this: looks and body create the initial attraction, what keeps us around is how she makes us feel, and what we’re looking for is a partner who is good at being “girlfriendy.”
This paragraph is gold: “Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws.”
If a chick isn’t good at being a terrific girlfriend, I’d dump her in a heartbeat even if she was the hottest chick in the world.
Interestingly, there’s a whole subset of sex work that offers something called the “Girlfriend Experience” where the guys pay the escort to act like terrific girlfriends.
More guys’ opinions, please!
Ok,
I feel a bit better seeing this video, because I have recently fallen head over heels for a guy and I know I’m doing for him exactly what you said. I’m cherishing him and accepting him unconditionally. Me, on the other hand, I’m scared as heck because he hasn’t said “I love you” yet. We’ve agreed just on Easter we aren’t seeing anyone else and it’s been only about three weeks, but I already could have said “I love you” to him many times. However, I’ve not done so because I want to give him the space to know his own feelings. Therefore, I’ve used the word “love,” but only to say I love this about you or that about you. Still, it’s scary… what’s it gonna take for him to say those three words to me?!
It will take him to be comfortable and want to say them. You seem to be doing what is in your power to do. The rest is not really in your power (maybe that’s why you’re scared). There are other factors that can influence whether he says it or not.
I am also surprized that you would give it so much importance. Don’t chase it, maybe you will be less scared. Try to enjoy what you have now. Who know what happens next.
Oh and if you love him why don’t you tell him? When you feel comfortable enough doing it, of course!
While I like Evan’s insightful advice and first-hand view, I sincerely hope that women do not take this too far. Part of being a great girlfriend is having a great boyfriend. It’s a give and take. I think there’s a bit of danger in any woman thinking, “Well, if I am all of these wonderful things to him, he’ll definitely stay with me.” He might, but you can lose yourself, too, if you’re not careful, and possibly end up as someone’s used doormat or worse. You want a man to be with you because he loves and accepts you for who YOU are, too.
Look, all we’re talking about here is being a fun, confident, loving, non-judgmental, caring and kind, accepting individual, and that goes for everyone. No woman wants to stay with a bad boy jerk (if she’s got any sense and self-esteem) and no man wants to stay with a cold hearted, “I’m wearing the pants” witch, no matter how hot she is in bed. It gets old on both sides. It’s about feelings for ALL of us. 🙂
What I wonder about is how do the unattractive women with hearts of gold get any serious attention? Men are so visually focused. Or what about the “nice” guys?
You know, if people stopped judging a book by its cover, this wouldn’t be such an issue. It’s actions that tell the story; not appearances.
Alright, let me have it. 🙂
Well, I just don’t know. I hear what you (and some of the male posters) are saying, but then when you do that, the guy says you’re “too something: needy, clingy, involved, smothering, desperate, etc. ad nauseum. Or you get the conflicting advice that men want a challenge, so you should be a little aloof, unavailable, make them chase you … essentially be a bitch.
The (great) guy I’ve been dating for about 2 months now is sending such conflicting signals in this regard, my head is spinning! He makes comments like “you’re TOO easy to be around,” “you’re TOO nice … maybe I’m just not used to that.” But then gets a little sulky if I don’t return a text or phone call, or I wait for him to show his interest. Sorry, but WTF?
All dating advice is meant to help you understand and connect with GOOD guys. There’s nothing that you can do if a guy is a selfish, flaky, emotionally unavailable jerk who doesn’t appreciate a good woman. Your job is simply to be the best girlfriend in the world; his job is to reciprocate with devotion. If he doesn’t, LEAVE!
I will say what I’ve said before is treat a man right, and if he leaves, then you will know you did what you could to make the effort. If he then leaves, its on him. That keeps you from going back, driving yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did wrong.
“Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws. ”
Well I guess the question is…do these men you speak of just see themselves as needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic…or are they really, in fact, needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic? Because therein lies the rub…a lot of men (and women for that matter) “see” themselves as these things, but they really aren’t. If you want to be treated that way, act that way.
As for flaws, we all got ’em. Some are deal breakers and some aren’t. Personally, I liked a guy who’s been roughed up by life and made some mistakes. You know why? Because so have I. But, if a guy wants to be accepted for his flaws, he really oughta be willing to accept a woman’s flaws also.
Casey,
I love you, but you can take every single thing I say and turn it around to “What about men?” However, my business is advice for women. As such, I’m going to be telling you what YOU can do better, and NEVER what men can do better. So please don’t hold the same thing against me, over and over again. This is advice for smart, strong, successful women, not men.
Evan
Most things apply to both sexes. There are social differences, differences in wording, of course some physical differences, but the things about love, trust, respect, it applies to everyone whether you like it not.
This was awesome!! Thanks Evan 🙂
To starthrower68, if it were only that easy for all women. I think some women are still inclined to accept more of the responsibility for why a relationship didn’t work out, even when she knows better.
Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws.
I think this is great advice. However, the things that make an individual man feel like you appreciate him for those qualities can vary. So you could still be doing all those things in your mind but the man in question might not feel that way because his interpratations of those qualities can be quite different. Then you ended up putting this effort into doing what you thought the man needed and still fail at it.
Also, Evan, to your comments to Casey. We all understand that yuor advice is mainly for women. But it helps to hear, especially in the blog, that men want to recipocate and what men do or don’t understand about women. You can’t always discuss the one without acknowledging and discussing the other to have a further reach with your own message. So my question for you is how many men do you think truly understand what women need to feel to feel valued and open to their mate? And do you even know what qualities, such as the list you gave us on men, that women need. Any guy here is free to answer actually.
Casey asked: (#26)
” do these men you speak of just see themselves as needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic or are they really, in fact, needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic”
My girlfriend thinks I’m an amazing boyfriend because I make her feel hot, sexy and feminine. My girlfriend is 56 and went through menopause more than a decade ago. She didn’t think of herself as being hot, sexy and feminine (until we started dating).
I am smart. Everyone has been telling me that since I was a young child. My test scores have repeatedly demonstrated that this is true. It’s kind of nice when my girlfriend tells me I’m smart, but it’s nothing special.
As a teenager I was a scrawny geek. My self-image (and my appearance) has improved since then, but I have no aspirations to be a model or movie star. When my girlfriend makes me feel like I’m a gorgeous casanova, that makes me feel incredible.
I think my girlfriend is attractive, and she thinks that I’m attractive. But the real reward in the relationship is that the other person sees us as being better than we see ourselves.
It needs to be said – men rarely break up with particularly physically attractive women. It’s the women who break it off. However, things might be different prior to the “relationship” stage.
@JerseyGirl – Assume men understand nothing, want to understand nothing and are not going to change for you.
Really. You’ve been reading here for years. You know that when I give advice it’s for the woman asking the question, not for the man who is the “problem”. So please stop asking me to give advice to someone who’s not reading my blog. As I’ve acknowledged 100 times, it’s not that you’re incorrect that men NEED to learn more. It’s that you can’t change them, and I can’t change them. Thus every woman who criticizes me for not telling men what to do is wasting her time. And mine.
Listen to what the advice IS and figure out how to apply it to you, instead of trying to find fault in what the advice is NOT – and I think you’ll be a happier reader. And probably a happier person as well since that’s a pretty good philosophy of life, as well.
Thanks for your patronage for these many years.
Stay tuned for more in coming weeks.
And where are the guys to comment on this video? Oh, yeah, guys don’t read my blog! 🙂
Evan, love your advice! I have always held the philosophy that you communicated in your video. I don’t know if it was innate or if it was something I learned along the way, but when it comes to making the guys I dated feel special, I have always strived to do that because in my heart they always were. I know that I always did my best to be the best girlfriend – and if the guy I was dating did not want to play nice, I would kick him to the curb. More women need to learn how to do this and not waste so much time and energy trying to change the guy or wonder why the guy is not appreciating or reciprocating. Here’s the reason… He’s a jerk! Enuf said.
P.S. I am now dating a wonderful man who appreciates being my sexy, masculine, smart, successful hero. He treats me like a goddess:-)
Posted by mic(#33)
It needs to be said men rarely break up with particularly physically attractive women. It’s the women who break it off. However, things might be different prior to the relationship stage.
“For every hot, drop-dead gorgeous girl out there, there’s a guy that’s tired of effing her.”
Guys are probably loathe to dump a hot girl because of the social status dating someone that attractive brings, so they hang on longer to a relationship that isn’t going to work.
Evan does give out great advice where women have control. Looks may get you in the door, but getting in the door is half the battle. Otherwise, why does it getter harder for women to date as they age? A man will often give more room for the woman to be an “easy girlfriend” if she is good looking. But enough about stuff you can’t control. You can only realistically attract your equal. Most women, like men, overate themselves. Therefore when a perfectly fine guy who is your equal pursues you, there is a tendency for the woman to secretly think that she deserves better, hence her not being as nice as she could to the poor guy. I think what Evan is constantly trying to tell us is: be realistic; you are not that perfect either. Choose the men who choose you. You might be surprised to actually find love. Leave the Alpha males for the really hot women who can handle them.
Joe, perhaps. One of the likely benefits is the higher appeal to women who see such a man with a beauty. In other cases, a major factor is pessimism about finding a replacement of comparable physical attractiveness.
Characteristic tanget – there probably are certain types of men who won’t break it off even though they know they should. For example, the emotionally disconnected type who highly values sex.
Evan very clever title. When I first read it my initial response was “your wrong” but you did a good job to conince other wise. Not sure I would have used the exact phrase, but love is loyalty for a man. And a flip cam? aww you should have gotten a kodak zi8, its way better.
Evan,
Well, that’s helpful to know that you interpret my questions and/or comments as “But what about men?” a lot of the time. And maybe they are to you. But, I don’t mean it that way or that I want you to give men advice. Sometimes they’re just comments. Sometimes they’re questions, which can include “But, what about men?” I’ve tried to say this in other posts, perhaps somewhat inarticulately, and got hammered…but I’m gonna try again any way because I gotta be me. 🙂
I know what I think, and I’m pretty sure you can’t expand upon that – mostly because a majority of the time my posts get construed in a way that I didn’t mean…so I’m sure we there isn’t a meeting of the minds. I know what many women think, because I know many women and have discussed these very subjects with them. You do expand on what women think with examples quite often, many of which are quite helpful.
But what I don’t know is what men think…that’s where you could be really, really helpful. You are a man giving advice to women, and telling us what we should do and how we should do it…but I feel that you often leave out the part about what men think and why.
I am a big picture kind of a person, and for me, I feel I am only getting part of the picture…what women should do. And I would like to get the whole picture.
I, and perhaps other women, would find it useful to know more about what men think (cuz I’m assuming you know since you’re a man and probably talk with a lot of men about this stuff and they would tell you things they are unlikely to tell women)… and what kind of advice you would give to men.
You might not agree, but that’s what I think. And as I’ve mentioned before, maybe bring it up once in a while in a blog post like every 3 months or so. It could be a very short, tiny, itty-bitty, little blog post. It’s just a suggestion of something I would find helpful and perhaps others would also…and has never been intended to imply in any way that you should write a entire book on the subject.
Casey
P.S. “Casey, I love you, but….” Right back at you babe 😉 But I’m pretty sure if you met me…you’d be torn between wanting to hug me and wanting to strangle me. 🙂
Sweet Casey,
Thanks for trying to clarify. It’s exhausting being misinterpreted, isn’t it? 🙂 I totally hear you about how you’re not getting the whole picture. You understand women; you’re here to understand men. Got it.
Here’s my response:
Every single word I write is telling you how men think. I don’t tell you what men should be doing different – since we agree that it doesn’t really matter, and that you already KNOW what men should be doing different. But if you really, truly, want to know what men think, then keep reading my point of view on this blog. I don’t speak for all men, but I speak for smart, kind, relationship oriented men, who still have a bit of selfishness, narcissism, and player in them.
What I find is that when I explain how men think – and you don’t like it – I get yelled at for telling the truth. The proverbial “shooting of the messenger”. So when I say that you should put up with his flirting, or his friendship with his ex, or his penchant to make corny jokes, or his confusion about whether he wants to marry you… THAT’S what we’re thinking. We want to be ACCEPTED, not judged. And, in exchange for accepting us (which no other woman has done), we will pledge our love and devotion and treat you better than you’ve ever been treated before.
That’s what this video’s about. Make him feel special, he’ll make you feel special. And if he fails, then dump his ass instead of waiting for him. He’ll get the message quick!
Are our minds meeting yet? 🙂
I hear you casey.
Whenever I need to know the why, I ask a good mate of mine, whose a relationship councellor. It doesn’t change the man, or my acknowlegement of his behaviour(good or bad), but the why really does help me too.
Ladies, I have to admit that Evan is right on. Yes the good looks do draw is in, but they won’t necessarily keep us. Here’s a good example. You see it all the time, the guy with the beautiful seemingly perfect wife that ends up cheating on her for what could be termed a less attractive woman. A woman would ask, “She’s so beautiful and perfect, why would he leave her for that other girl.” Very simple. A saying an old friend once told me. No matter how pretty a girl is, there’s a guy at home that’s tired up putting up with her shit. Love your man the way you want to be loved. Make him feel the way he makes you feel. And just let him be a man sometimes. Let him feel like the Han Solo to your Princess Leia.
I think the following video, per the link will go a long way toward explaining this phenomena:
http://www.theonion.com/video/hot-new-relationship-book-warns-women-wake-up-hes,17053/
That’s hilarious!!
Sadly- if it wasn’t for the twentysomething girls on that cam- the rest of the segment could actually be on a real news segment. ?
Hi Evan,
I really enjoy reading your blogs/emails/columns because I do find them quite enlightening, for the most part, and I try to take encouragement from your advice, where possible.
This is from my own personal observation and experience: I believe that what you say has validity for the nice woman who is also quite pretty, but not for the “plain Jane.” Most men (yourself included) freely admit that it is looks that draws them in, initially. To coin a phrase, “there’s the rub!” Men may leave a woman who is beautiful, but mean, but will they ever date a woman who is kind, but ugly?
So, if a girl doesn’t look really good to start with, how will she ever get the chance to prove to a guy that she’s worth investing in, and that she will treat him well? We may very well be intelligent, kind, sensitive, loving, devoted women, but if we are not also “hot,” men won’t give us the time of day, relationship-wise. We might become their buddies – their confidantes – the girls they go to for advice or a shoulder to cry on? – but we are never seen as serious “girlfriend” material, because we don’t measure up to their minimum standards in the looks department. How can a woman overcome this??? If the guy won’t even consider going out with us to begin with, it doesn’t matter how sweet we are capable of being, because we are never given the chance to take your advice. This is what I find to be so discouraging.
Evan, how many girls have you dated that you didn’t also find to be pretty? Would you ever have even considered going out with a sweet, kind, loving, devoted woman with the proverbial “heart of gold,” who was average-looking, or, heaven forbid, wasn’t particularly attractive? Would you have dated her anyway? How many of your buddies would ever consider it? I would really be interested to know,? but I suspect that I already know the answer. And, even if, in your particular case, you WOULD have dated someone like that, can you honestly tell me that this is the case with the vast majority of modern men? Am I wrong here?
What strategy would you suggest for dealing with physical disadvantages in the way we look (assuming that we’re not willing or able to undergo plastic surgery)? How can a woman overcome what they’re born with?
Claire @ 45
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I believe beauty is pretty much in the eye of the beholder. Maybe it’s a naive thing to say, I don’t know. Every guy will have their different standards of what who they think is physically attractive to them. Just take a look around the next time you’re out. All the couples out there.. not all of them will be what you think are physically attractive (according to one’s own measurement of what is physically attractive). Yet they managed to find partners didn’t they? I’ve known “plain jane’s” and they managed to have a boyfriend when I didn’t. So they are doing something right.
Yes. I second that plain janes are able to find boyfriends because they are doing something right.
When I see couples on the train, not all of them are attractive. There’s beauty and the beast everywhere. Some girls are not pretty, some girls are way fat. But they do managed to get boyfriends.
When I see them, I say to myself: if they can do it, I can do it too!
I’m on the dating scene for more than a year. I was commented to have fat arms by a guy on our first date. Check out the blog post from Evan.? Not many dates in between, but?had been?on our?4th date over the last?weekend with a skinny intellectual?guy. I’m quite happy with our progress. 😀
Claire said: (#45)
“Men may leave a woman who is beautiful, but mean, but will they ever date a woman who is kind, but ugly?”
Look around. There are lots of unattractive women with boyfriends, fiancees and husbands.
In some cases, certain men find those women attractive. In other cases, the men focus on one feature that they find attractive and ignore the parts of the visual package that they’re not as attracted to.
If an unattractive woman is trying to get a gorgeous guy, she’ll probably have about as much luck as an unattractive man trying to get a gorgeous woman. If she tries to get someone closer to the same level of attractiveness, she’ll be more successful.
Most importantly, don’t let a poor self-image cripple you. There’s a girl in my dance class (I’ll call her Wallflower). Wallflower is about average attractiveness, but she radiates that she has low self-esteem and a horrible self-image. If she had a positive self-image, a substantial number of men would be attracted to her. As it is, the only men who approach her are the desperate ones … or ones who seek to take advantage of her.
There are less attractive women (older, heavier, worse facial features) that I find much more attractive than wallflower, because these women radiate self-confidence.
Claire, if you don’t think you’re attractive, how?can you expect someone else to?? Go get your own “extreme makeover” or have someone do a “what not to wear” session for you.? I’ve seen women who were, shall we say, “a little dumpy” change something like their hair, or lose a little weight, and they shifted their level of attractiveness–shifted from not attractive to attractive (to me, that is–eye of the beholder and all).
Casey post #39:?
But what I don?t know is what men think..that?s where you could be really, really helpful. You are a man giving advice to women, and telling us what we should do and how we should do it?but I feel that you often leave out the part about what men think and why.
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I will second this and is infact? a point I’ve made to Evan before as well as one I tried to make in this topic but Evan didn’t see fit to post my last response. We all get that Evan doesn’t give advice to other men. However, it is still helpful to know what men are thinking and why.
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Evan:?
I don?t speak for all men, but I speak for smart, kind , relationship oriented men, who still have a bit of selfishness, narcissism, and player in them. ? So when I say that you should put up with his flirting, or his friendship with his ex, or his penchant to make corny jokes, or his confusion about whether he wants to marry you?THAT?S what we?re thinking. We want to be ACCPETED, not judged. And in exchange for accepting us (which no other women has done), we will pledge our love and devotion and treat you better than you?ve ever been treated before.
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Women want to be accepted for who they are as well. The difference is that sometimes, some of the things men do can make a woman feel unaccepted even if it isn?t what would make a man feel unaccepted. Sometimes it?s that selfish, narcissistic, player attitude that can turn a woman off or make her feel unaccepted. ?You tell us that women should be kind, honest, vulnerable and make a guy feel good, and I agree. But then you say things like men still want to ?have a bit of selfishness, narcissism, and player in them??and this is suppose to be motivations on why we should treat men like heroes and kings and give him what he wants while assuming men understand nothing. It?s very confusing. Do all the work, don?t have expectations that he understands anything, and coddle him when he flirts or acts selfish. What I think is being left out is that a man who likes to flirt can make a woman feel unaccepted just as a woman getting shrill over him flirting with another woman can make him feel unaccepted. Are these both huge transgressions? No but it?s enough to cause distance on both sides. It seems that you think women should make more of the concessions out of the theory that men like to be indulged, selfish and be a bit of a player that still feels like he could leave you at anytime because of all the other options out there.
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JerseyGirl said: (#50)
“It seems that you think women should make more of the concessions”
Either person (male or female) can choose to make more of the concessions in a relationship.
But you can’t make choices for your partner. You can’t make them choose to make more of the concessions. He/she might choose to do so … or maybe not. But it’s not in your control.
You can refuse to be in a relationship where you have to make more than 50% of the concessions. You can refuse to be in a relationship where you have to be making any concessions at all. Your chances of having a successful relationhip will drop, so you need to decide whether that’s an acceptable consequence of not conceding anything to your boyfriend.
Important note:
You’re a lot more likely to notice when you’re making a concession than when someone else is … so you might be counting 100% of the times you concede and only 50% of the times he concedes.
I’m gonna try a new different tact today!? :-)? This question is for Evan and the men who post on this blog:? When you say you want to be your wife/girlfriend’s hero, what exactly does that mean to you?? Specific examples would be helpful.? 🙂
I’m a girl…but I think I will respond to?Casey’s qn (#52).
On my first date with a guy at an exhibition:
Me: “Oh, some people are so inquisitive. They ask questions and all that, blah blah.”
Date (ask qns to next available staff): “How does this work? Is this a model XXX?”
Staff:”Yeah. That’s right. It does precisely what it is named for.”
Date (to me): “That staff is unfriendly. I feel stupid.”
Me: “Naw. Its just not his day.” (big smile and got big smile in return)
After that, he told me about some?technical stuff which I totally have no idea. Just Oooh and Ahhh over?them and?keep the smile. Needless to say, I’ve got subsequent dates.?
Enjoyed this video Evan. I have personally found that it is very true not only of what a man wants to feel from his woman, but what a woman wants to feel from her man. When that special thoughtful focus is not there, relationships fall apart. Thanks for reinforcing the point, that strong intimate positive focus on your partner, is what keeps all of us interested….and sometimes it may seem like both an effort and a challenge, but then again if we find the right partner he is focusing similarly on us.
I agree and understand the points that you make about men wanting to feel special in a way that only a woman in their life can provide. When you stop doing this, he stops being there. Whilst I also agree that men are attracted to smart, confident and successful women, if these women do not switch into their 'feminine energy' soft, gentle, kind, nurturing etc then men are also likely to walk away.
I’m having trouble reconciling this advice (i.e. make a man feel loved, wanted, needed) with the seemingly strict “don’t chase” rule, especially early on in the dating process. I try hard to mirror and not chase, but I worry that I come off as indifferent about the guy as a result. How do I make him feel needed without looking needy? It seems that there’s a middle ground somewhere…I just don’t know where it is, or how to achieve it.
Great question! I have found it hard to strike a balance between over-eager and uninterested. And sometimes guys have come on strong at the beginning and I can’t mirror their enthusiasm bc I just don’t know them well enough to feel anything but mild interest, at that point. By the time I can honestly mirror their excitement, they have given up/ lost interest. *sigh*
I was reading Kasey’s comments above and for me, it’s not so much the “but men do this too” argument, it’s that women cannot possibly read a man’s mind. Of course,we can ask, but sometimes that gets us in trouble. I’m sure there are general things that mostU men want, but not each individual man. We can do our best, but the man can still run. At that point, it really is on him. Maybe we did something that hurt his ego, maybe he’s in love with his ex, maybe a 24 year old turned his head. Unless you could pinpoint when a man decided to go in a different direction, it’s more a matter of options. He just chose a different option that he preferred.
Yes, we can control what we do, but we really don’t bear that much responsibility for a man running off, in the same way a man can’t be responsible for a woman’s decision to flee. None of us is a psychic. Some men like to be coddled, some tolerate a shit load of bitchiness.
I believe in treating my man the best I can, but we can’t possibly control everything that comes out of my mouth and walk on eggshells because I haven’t made him my hero. He still is in control of his feelings. It’s a matter of communication.
We can’t change men. After having been married to a man for over 20 years I know that. I tried and failed during the first few years and then gave up. I did accept him and his inability to communicate for years. I might have caused it, but there’s another adult who has a role in it – him. I’m not a puppeteer. The whole point is that we are not in control of a guy’s feelings. At some point, if he gets butt-hurt,clams up and refuses to communicate, you have to just let him go.
The only reason to be your best is to have the best time with the man you’re with for as long as it’s equally enjoyable for both people and when things break down, you can walk away with a clear conscience.
You’re never ever in control of a man’s feelings. It really is him.
I was just thinking about what Evan said that it doesn’t make sense to try to change men – I definitely agree. We have to change ourselves. Still, we can’t obsess on what might’ve done wrong or said to make a guy run. It’s a shame that men are usually obsessed with immediate self-gratification.
HOWEVER, I used to attend an excellent relationship meet-up. The attendees were generally older 50s-60s, I am one of the younger ones (40s). The group isn’t geared to older people – anyone can come. Most of the people are men in their late 50s and 60s who want to know how to connect with women their own age in a meaningful way. They’re not trying to jump young women’s bones. And no, these aren’t beta males – they’re execs, small business owners, etc. There is one young man in his 30s, a good looking, alpha-male cop (always brags about all the women who want him). He’s trying to learn about women because he said that as a cop his behavior is scrutinized and he doesn’t want any misunderstandings in his relationships with women.
So, eventually, men realize that they can’t bang every woman. The finally realized it’s a waste of time and now they want to understand how to relate to women their own age because the young’uns just aren’t biting anymore.
If you just wait long enough, a man will come around . . . sigh In any case, I’m not waiting or expecting. I accept and move on.
Some men don’t expect anything and don’t want you to expect anything from them. Just live the life as it goes. They believe people don’t “need” one another but choose to be together. Sounds somewhat right but at the end I think this kind of relationship is going to lead to friendship. Maybe that’s what marriage is at the end after many years being together but I somehow disagree with this by nature and think it’s important to keep feelings alive as long as you can by being caring and supportive, making gestures for one another. But not all men need this. Oh and some men definitely don’t like to feel needed also because they want an independent partner.
I loved this video.. I have been struggling since my divorce a few years ago. I have had no trouble getting a date, the problem is getting them to stick around. I feel like I bring a lot to the table and the men I date actually mention dating women like myself who are independant , strong, and successful and attractive. Everything seems perfect, but somewhere along the way they disappear, and I am left picking up the pieces and feeling confused. When I try to figure out what went wrong it seems almost like I have offended them in some way by not being sensitive enough or not needing them for something. Evan I thought I was reading that wrong, and I thought well certainly they don’t want someone who is clingy or all needy. Oh my gosh, I have just had such a revelation I can look back at 3 failed relationships over the last few years, quality guys, truly connected or so I thought and they could mark off all the boxes on their list when we dated. Except, not everything was on the list. I had no idea they really wanted these things from women, I could have saved myself and them so much heart ache. I don’t know if I feel better or worse, but I feel informed with regards to the future. Thanks
At the risk of raining on everyone’s parade, I found this article to be fairly sexist. There are some truths to it and it’s nice to know not all men are about looks but this post implies that if you are attractive and smart and men leave you, it’s most likely your fault because you treated him poorly and if we fall all over a guy and be the best girlfriend we can be, we will snag a guy. What about how WE want to be treated? Shouldn’t both partners strive to make the other feel good? I am a great girlfriend who also happens to be very attractive and successful — but I’m also kind, warm and feminine. I go out of my way to be supportive and show my man I care. But I also stand up for myself and ask for the things I need and want. Time and time again I’ve had guys break up with me, saying they just aren’t in love with me, or they can’t make me happy, they aren’t ready for a relationship (after they’ve aggressively pursued me) or whatever reason of the day — sometimes they just disappear. Then I see them go on to get engaged to someone else. It’s not always something we DO or DON’T DO. I don’t think there’s a magic ticket. I guess when it’s right, it just is. And it will continue to be wrong until it’s right.
My whole business is based on telling women how they deserve to be treated, so I’m not sure what you’re talking about.
But to be clear, telling women that they may be, in part, responsible for why things don’t work out isn’t sexist. It’s the exact same commonsense approach you’d offer to a man who got dumped by his girlfriend and wanted to learn why.
I think Amy was referring to a man who doesn’t reciprocate the love and affection. Recently I had a breakthrough to realize that if a man gets defensive and mean, it’s because he doesn’t value me. So I have to value myself. I have to work extra hard to take great care of myself and feel good about who I am. I don’t want anger or fear getting in the way of my happiness. My intention is to feel great when I’m with someone. I always respect them and treasure them. Then he whines about something, I make a suggestion on how to fix it, and he gets defensive and emasculated. I realized that he was just emotionally immature in contrast to me and my life experiences.
Hi Andi – You said ” I always respect them and treasure them. Then he whines about something, I make a suggestion on how to fix it, and he gets defensive and emasculated.”
It’s hard to listen to someone complain and resist the urge to jump in and fix it, but sometime people just want to VENT. Offering a fix often feels like criticism Women often complain when their hubbies/boyfriends try to “fix” their problems when all they really wanted was for someone to listen. I know I hate it when I just want to vent, and anyone just jumps in with “You should do this, or you should do that”
When anyone in my life vents, I don’t offer a solution unless they very specifically ask me “What should I do ?”. I will usually just say “I’m sorry you had such a rough day” or “I can understand why you’re so angry, I think anyone would be ” or some such thing and give them a hug. I don’t just do this with my husband, this is how I listen to my friends vents as well. Usually after I let my friend vent about whatever, eventually they will sigh and say something to comfort themselves like “Well, it’s over now, and . . .” Sometime people just need to be heard, not fixed.
Amy,
Let’s say a man came here and claimed:
1. He’s a great boyfriend.
2. He’s attractive and successful.
3. He’s kind and warm.
4. He’s masculine.
5. He goes out of his way to be supportive and show his lady that he cares.
6. He stands up for himself and asks for the things he needs and wants.
7. Women pursue relationships with him.
8. Time and time again, women break up with him (after they get to know him better).
9. Those women claim they’re not ready for a relationship (after pursuing a relationship with him).
10. Later the women get engaged to other men.
11. The women aren’t dumping him because of anything he does.
12. The women aren’t dumping him because of anything he doesn’t do.
Would you believe that man? I certainly wouldn’t. Seriously? He’s allegedly the perfect boyfriend, pursued by women, but then the women dump him time and time again, and the breakups have nothing to do with him?
Have you ever dumped a man who was that perfect? But it happens to this guy all the time.
Either that man is lying, or he’s deceiving himself. And that’s my assessment of your claims.
Thanks for the reply @SparklingEmerald. I agree with you and will work harder to listen with compassion without suggesting fixes.
You’re welcome 🙂