You Don’t Want Him Anyway

Let me tell you a true story about Alice, a member of my group coaching.

But before I tell you about it, I want to share a little bit about Alice.

In her mid 30’s, very attractive, intelligent but not intimidating. Alice is a good person and a good catch.

The two things that she doesn’t trust? Men, and herself when she’s around men.

Thus, Alice never has trouble attracting guys; her trouble is in keeping them.

Does this sound like anyone you know? Nah. Didn’t think so… 🙂

Anyway, Alice recently started dating Dylan.

Dylan is tall. Dylan is hot. Dylan is creative. Dylan is confident. Dylan is experienced.

Basically, Dylan is all of the characteristics that Alice finds so rarely in one man, that when she happens upon such a guy, she HAS to have him.

Oh, and one other thing: Dylan is on the rebound from a relationship. Alice is the first person he’s been with since his breakup.

Some random cute guy breaks your heart and all you can do is beat yourself up and attempt to plot how to win him over once again.

What follows is altogether too predictable.

Alice went out with Dylan and, barely able to contain her excitement, slept with him on the second date.

Dylan, still excited the next day, made overtures to follow up.

Alice, breathing a great sigh of relief, started treating Dylan as a boyfriend…

Which meant calls, emails, texts and demands to know where things were going…

Until, predictably, Dylan pulled the “slow fade,” where he didn’t fall completely out of touch, but became highly inaccessible.

A week had passed and now Alice was on the phone, during our coaching session, wondering how she could get Dylan back.

(sound of record scratching)

“You want him BACK?” I asked.

“Yes! I don’t have this feeling about guys very often. I want it to last.”

“You mean the feeling of elation that comes with sleeping with a hot guy? Or the feeling of despair you have because he’s a player, he hasn’t called you and you don’t have any chance of having a successful long-term relationship with him?”

The silence on the other end was deafening. Yet Alice couldn’t disagree with me.

Dylan WAS a player. Dylan DID sleep with her right away. Dylan WASN’T ready for a relationship.

In fact, when Alice looked at it objectively, Dylan was kind of a selfish jerk for coming on so strong and pulling away so abruptly.

And yet here she was, reeling from raw emotion, begging me, her trusted dating coach, to help her GET THE SELFISH JERK BACK.

This is like giving the alcoholic just one more drink.

BAD idea.

I’m guessing you’ve had this bad idea yourself.

Some random cute guy breaks your heart and all you can do is beat yourself up and attempt to plot how to win him over once again.

What a colossal waste of time.

Because even if I were a Miracle Worker – even if I could concoct some magic potion that erased Dylan’s memory of Alice’s needy texts and planted a chip in his head that forced him to call her every day… you know what Alice would get in return?

A selfish, immature, emotionally unavailable player who is in no position to be a good boyfriend to ANYBODY.

Thus, as far as I’m concerned, Dylan gave Alice a gift – the gift of freedom.

The freedom to cut the cord quickly because there is no potential of a future with a man who has shown no desire to commit.

Look back in your past and consider how much time you wasted on men like this.

Realize, at this moment, that you’ll NEVER have to do that again.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Abra

    Sometimes I feel like your blogs are pep rallys to go for the not-so-attractive, not as personable guys.  You know … something you have to talk yourself into going for, like diet food. Essentially, if a guy has a lot of desirable traits, he won’t commit, because he knows women desire him.  Sooo….go for the guys fewer women desire, and you’ll be complacently satisfied in the long run. 

    Honestly, couldn’t hooking up with a ho-hum guy who is on the rebound be a bad idea?  Why is Dylan’s desirability such a key factor in this story, like most of your blog entries?

  2. 2
    Abra

    Also, you should change your mission statement: “I am a personal trainer for women who want to fall in love.”  Take the “in love” out of it and replace it with “women who want to find a satisfactory relationship.”

    “In love” denotes a chemical rush, a passion, an intense longing for that person.  What you promote is skipping the endorphins and going straight into bargaining and rationalization of a good relationship.  Not that it’s wrong, but you’re selling something you don’t deliver on.  You can be “in love” or you can be “comfortable” is what you essentially say in every blog.  Stop shouting that we can be in love and still get the man of our heart’s desire, and then whispering why that’s not possible.

    1. 2.1
      mary

      Maybe you and Evan have different definitions of love. 

  3. 3
    Mona

    Amazing advice as usual. He actually did her a big Favor. She is now free to choose her perfect mate. Wish I had this advice years back. Thanks Evan.

  4. 4
    AllenB

    So true.  This goes both ways across the sexes. It is hard not to run towards the slow fade. It looks like the normal push and pull then pull and push of a relationship, but is larger and fatal. There is nothing to be gained by responding harder and harder.

  5. 5
    HappFace

    Instead of finger pointing that guy is a player the reality is she played her self. She is the one that continuously engaged in the kind of man that always leads her to disappointment. She can change herself to the kind of women a man would want to have a long term relationship which she has probably tried already. Or she can change her choice of men.

    At the end of the day; because I am a man I prefer her to go after the man she desires. If you do not desire him you will not put your best foot forward and energy. Thus it will lead to further disappointment. If your not genuinely interested in a man he will not be genuinely interested in you.  You create your own destiny. 

  6. 6
    Tami

    Oh my goodness gracious!  This is EXACTLY, word for word, what I went through about a month ago.  The only difference is that I don’t know if and when his last relationship was and that 95% of the time I always waited for him to call and initiate.  The only time I made a blatant display of “neediness” was when he broke up with me, trying to “understand” what the hell he meant by I’m AMAZING but that he doesn’t have the “head-space” for me.  

    Anyway, all of your recent blogs have all been addressing every single thought that has crossed my mind about him and have put me at great ease.  I’ve been beating myself up over it trying to convince myself, “See, he’s got issues!  Nothing I could have done would have made a difference.”  But I don’t know how fair it is to say that.

    Although it kinda makes me feel good to hear you validate that it’s not me, but him, I don’t know how fair or true it is to say that.  I still can’t help but think, it is me because: (a) I didn’t have enough self-respect to say something when something was bothering me for fear of putting pressure on a new relationship,  (b) I slept with him too soon, (c) I gave him too much of my heart too fast, (d) I was too nice by always saying “yes”, being super supportive of all his efforts, (e) I should have held back a little and build more of an emotional relationship with him first, and (f) I should have put boundaries, in order to build the relationship slowly but surely.

    I can’t help but think that maybe if I had done all of that, he’d still be with me and wouldn’t turn out to be this emotionally unavailable (38 year old) jerk, that you paint someone exactly like him out to be.  In fact, I bet that he can be a great boyfriend…but it will be with the next girl who he’s going to be with because she knows how to keep her man (and doesn’t make the same mistakes I do).       

    1. 6.1
      Sandya.

      Tami my apologies I feel you are beating yourself up. Forget the woulda,Shoulda stories. Really the right guy for you just hasn’t shown up yet. Honestly i ain’t even sure there is a theory about keeping a man. Yes he could have stayed and left a year later. He could marry you and divorce 5 years later. I am honesty glad he did now. Relationships flourish with attraction and two people wanting the same thing period.

  7. 7
    Ileana

    Evan, Alice is SO much the way i was before discovering your blog. (sidenote: I ran across your blog without even looking for dating advice. ALL the guys I ever wanted to ‘get’ were attracted to me as well. I thought I was doing just fine and that everything bad that happened was only bad luck. I coulnd’t possibly HAVE a problem. I simply clicked on a suggested video on Youtube, in which this funky Katz guy  was giving an interview. That click was literally life changing. Maybe you should consider posting some more videos, so that even more people become as lucky as I was. )
    Anyway, back to your post. I always used to want back all the jerks who pulled a dissapering act on me. I used to be simply blinded by them, and whenever they went ‘puff’, they never hesitated to make it all seem MY fault, so that I ended up tormented by guilt. Luckily, it only happened twice, and thanks to YOU, I will see to it, that it never happens again.
    My problem was however connected with something else as well, which determined me to want these guys back. Being rejected by someone you think is so amazing was such an ego blow for me. I used to think, what is WRONG with me, that makes such a sweetheart run off?. Why doesn’t he want to give me a second chance? I am sure that if I get one, everything will be bloody perfect! So, I think that by wanting them back, I needed reassurence that I was worthy enough of having a relationship with someone ‘SO’ great. I didnt’t look the truth in the eye. He was the jackass, making it seem as if he were a prince, when I was actually the catch all along. 
    Evan, you cannot imagine how much this information on your blog and in your book managed to change the whole ideaof ‘dating’ for me(funny as it may seem, I have a feeling that people in Europe view the dating process slightly different than you guys in the US…anyway, it was EXTREMELY worthy). Probably you hear it really often, but this does not change the fact that it had such an impact on me. The posts, the comment-wars, everything was such an eye-opener, especially since I am only 22 and have a lot of so called ‘dating’ ahead of me. Now I know what to expect, what (not) to do,  who to turn down, who to even bother considering and, basicly, how men ‘work.’
    So…THANKS 🙂
     

  8. 8
    lld

    After several “Dylan”s, I recently started seeing a man that I connected to and who is obviously ready to make a commitment.  The attitude he projects is completely different when you’re both on the same page.

  9. 9
    Ray

    Thank you Evan.  Very glad to observe the shared responsibility here…  And some coaching on how to avoid the knowingly or unknowingly confused.  

    I try not to label men as players unless they are actively trying to decieve women by claiming they are looking for a commitment when they are not… or they actively misrepresent their interest in a woman just to get sex.  

    Labeling a confused man as a player is the same thing as labeling a woman as a ‘slut’ because she has slept with men while in the process of attempting a relationship.  That said, there is a whole lot people can do to avoid the perpetually confused and just plain users… of either gender.

  10. 10
    Monique Gallagher

    Evan,

    You hit the nail right on the head when you referred to giving an alcoholic another drink.  Clearly there is addiction components when we are drawn to what isn’t good for us.  Self abuse is a hard pattern to break.

    Great article, thank you for sharing this!

    Monique 

  11. 11
    lawyerette

    I think what is so hard about these situations is that it seems all about timing. And that if the timing were different, things could be different. I know it makes us feel better as women to say that the guy is a jerk and he sucks, but the reality is probably that the timing is just wrong. 

    1. 11.1
      Paul

      Timing does not happen accidentally, lawyerette. This is about knowingly wasting someone’s time. If Dylan was on the rebound, he shouldn’t have been dating, plain and simple. Then Alice wouldn’t have had her time wasted.

  12. 12
    Heather

    Evan, thank you for that advice.  I wish I had read this about 9 months ago or so.  I’d met a guy who claimed he was ready for a serious relationship with me, and of course, after sleeping with me, he did the slow fade.  I mostly let him have his space but after awhile I confronted him and told him that disappearing was not acceptable behavior and that I deserved at the very least, “thank you but I don’t think this is going to work.”  Turns out he was cheating on me with another woman.  Surprise!!!
    Right now I am dating a very nice man but I am certainly not going to forget that valuable lesson, and if this guy does the slow fade, he may very well do so, and I will find someone who will not do that to me.  Not that I am looking for that to happen, but at least I will have the tools I need to take care of myself, if that happens again.

  13. 13
    Ruby

    I recently met a guy who seemed great at first, but because I know (after years of getting involved with the wrong ones) that it takes time to get to know someone, and that, thanks to EMK, I should “believe the negatives and ignore the positives.”  So when the numerous red flags began to pop up, it didn’t take long to see that I wasn’t going to get what I wanted from him, and I got out. He moved on to dating someone else right away, and she completely fell for him in just a couple of weeks. But he dumped her, in a very nasty way, in the midst of the holidays.

    Getting involved with someone too quickly doesn’t give you a chance to objectively look at the warning signs that may arise. All too often, we women think we can change the guy despite his issues, and rebounding men are the most difficult!

  14. 14
    Evan Marc Katz

    Thanks to everybody for your kind words. I’m glad this stuff is making a difference in your lives.

    But no series of comments would be complete without one hater, who has never posted before, and wants to explain what I’m doing better than I do.

    Welcome, Abra!

    If it’s not obvious, my responsibility here is to women, not lame guys. This is a classic way in which I’m consistently misinterpreted. Just because you don’t end up with George Clooney does not mean you end up with Danny DeVito. That seems very obvious to me; it looks like you need some clarity on the subject.

    Next point: Being “in love” is not a particularly good predictor of your future. You’ve just seen a bunch of women validate that statement above. Thus, telling women to actively pursue the chemical rush is, at best, useless – since everyone already does it, and, at worst, irresponsible, because most successful relationships are not based on the chemical rush.

    Next point: I’ve never said that you can’t have the chemical rush and be “in love”. I’ve simply stated what’s true: such feelings are evanescent and often blind us to a man’s poor character traits. People get married under the influence of chemistry all the time, which is about the best explanation for the 50% divorce rate that I can fathom. So go chase your chemistry all you want. I have no problems with it. Just don’t get so blinded by passion that you accept a subpar relationship. A very, very small percentage of people maintain those tingly, lustful feelings throughout a 40 year marriage. If it happens to be you, more power to you.

    Finally, to your last line: “Stop shouting that we can be in love and still get the man of our heart’s desire, and then whispering why that’s not possible.”

    All I would say is this: If the man of your heart’s desire has low character, does not want to commit to you, is selfish… if the man of your heart’s desire is not attracted to you and never wants you in return… if the man of your heart’s desire has never done anything but disappointed you and broken your heart… it would seem to me, an objective third party, that the man of your heart’s desire MIGHT NOT EXIST. And that you would be MUCH happier choosing a different man who has looks, wit, money, charm, kindness and consistency – even if you don’t get weak in the knees and obsessed when you think of him.

    That’s my whole philosophy in a nutshell – thousands of women have used it to great effect – and I will defend it ’til the very end.

  15. 15
    Erinlee

    I have to agree with Tami and Ray here.  I don’t think we can just assume that this guy is a player or had ill intentions.  She messed up.  She should not have slept with him so soon, she should not have become needy and started treating him like her BF before they were even close to the relationship stage.  He didn’t like the pressure, and he backed off.  He might commit to the very next girl he dates, if she plays her cards right.  Yes, I do think it is HER responsibility to act in a way that will help a guy want to commit to her.   That’s not asking her to change her personality or anything drastic.  Just keep your pants on, be cool, and don’t push, move at his pace. 

  16. 16
    Katarina Phang

    Having been married to a difficult, uptight guy whom I was so attracted to, so in love with, I can attest that the best guy in the long run is the one that you feel most comfortable and at ease with when you are together.  That’s my future partner, someone I can have fun with and share laughter for the rest of our lives.  I will still find him attractive -not necessarily breathlessly- but I’d rather that attraction develops over time over substance (compatibility) than just chemical rush of physical attraction.

    If I can have both, that’ll be great but I’ll be highly suspicious of a highly attractive guy with whom I’m feeling head over heels with.

    I won’t settle (no I won’t date guys I have no romantic feelings/physical attraction for) yet I’ll be self-aware of the trapping of hormonal rush in the beginning.  I won’t dismiss “less exciting” guys whom I potentially get along better in the long run because he’s so easy to be with.

    Both men and women want a partner who is easy to be with, who makes our life more enjoyable and joyful.  Seek that. 

  17. 17
    Michael17

    Actually Danny DeVito does pretty well with the ladies. He wasn’t blessed with looks, but he has a winning personality.
     
    Had to stick up for one of my favorite actors.
     
    That said, great blog!

  18. 18
    Jennifer

    Evan,

    Do you think that women like Abra are just totally dense ‘haters’, or can you allow for the possibility that something about the way you deliver your message is just not resonating with some people?

    You tend to ‘speak’ in very absolute terms, things are very black and white, there is ‘reality’ as you describe it or fantasy land. It can’t really be shocking to you then that when you say things like ‘you can have chemistry or you can be happy’ that people will be confused with that message. I’ve read you long enough to know what you mean, to get the nuance, and to know your heart is in the right place, but lately I’ve found you to be even more absolute than usual, so can you really blame some people for not getting it? Not suggesting you don’t clarify or defend yourself, but if it’s the same point over and over that people are getting stuck on, maybe it’s not just all their fault. Just something to consider.

    Regarding the post, I think you’re right about her not needing Dylan back, but I don’t see how he’s a player. She got needy and he bailed- were he a player he likely would’ve stayed to ‘play’ a bit.

    1. 18.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Jennifer,

      If anything, I’ve just lost patience for having the same conversation over and over again. I don’t preclude the possibility that I can do a better job of explaining myself – especially to first-timers.

      I guess my question to you is this: do you disagree with anything I said in my response to Abra?

      And, if not, then why wouldn’t I be exasperated to have to take up my time to clarify that by sacrificing butterflies you’re not sacrificing love?

  19. 19
    Lance

    At abra#1: I think you get it, it is about considering the 90% of guys that are not immediately attractive to most every woman.

    At abra#2: No, you don’t get it.

  20. 20
    Ray

    Just want to clarify… I do tend to avoid labels.  But I want to be very clear on this… Traditionally, it has been the woman’s ‘job’ to get clarity on a man’s intentions before having sex with him.  I do think it is wise to do that. 

    However, in no way shape or form does the timing of sex exempt a man from taking personal responsibility for his sexuality.   A responsible man will VOLUNTEER his relationship (or non-relationship) goals as accurately as he knows how at the time BEFORE having sex with a woman.  To fail to do so is irresponsible on his part too… especially considering what many would argue is rather thoughtless behavior after the fact.  Does that make him a ‘player’?  No.  It does make him irresponsible… and perhaps more irresponsible than the woman in question here… because I suspect she DID make it known she was interested in a relationship.

    Regarding the ‘neediness’.. Well, I find that is often 20/20 hindsight.  Others might construe that as ‘interest’ or perhaps even justified anger/confusion.   

    I’m personally not a fan of attempting to get into any man’s head… and certainly not playing at anything… cool, not cool, or whatever, in order to ‘get’ a man. 

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