You’re Doing Everything Right, Just in the Wrong Order
I hope you’re having a great fall. I sure am.
Because of my good fortune in love, I’m always thinking of my greater mission:
Helping smart, strong, successful women understand men and make healthy relationship choices.
It sounds simple and straightforward and yet there are millions of women who struggle to do those very things. I hear your struggle, in some form, every single day.
I was thinking about this after a recent flurry of client applications.
Before I take on any new client, I’ll spend a good 45 minutes on the phone to make sure that working together is the right decision – for both of us.
It took 43-year-old Bonnie two of these long phone calls to get comfortable.
I don’t blame her. Since she’s making a sizable investment in her future, I want to be able to remove all of her doubts and get on the same page about our partnership.
Thankfully, these free consultations are very revealing. I learned a lot about Bonnie that we’ll be able to work on over the next three months as it pertains to dating.
First of all, I learned that Bonnie is a workaholic. She has three different companies and divides her time between all of them. It’s no surprise she doesn’t have much time for men.
Next, I learned that Bonnie, despite being confident, doesn’t always conduct herself that way on dates. Her demeanor was far more insecure than you’d expect from such an accomplished woman. I have no doubt that some of this is apparent on dates as well.
Third, I learned that Bonnie is a serial monogamist. I understand serial monogamists very well – I even married one. But one of the things about women who are always in relationships is that they have a propensity to see the good in men. In general, this is a positive trait. The downside is that serial monogamists tend to forgive men for unforgivable traits – lack of communication, different long-term goals, emotional unavailability. That’s how Bonnie – and perhaps even you – get stuck in dead-end relationships.
Interestingly, the biggest takeaway I had from my two sessions with Bonnie was something that I think may very well apply to you. So…
If you’re a spiritual woman…
If you’ve “done your work”…
If you believe in the Universe or the Law of Attraction…
If you are a woman who has vowed to “never settle”…
You’re quite likely falling into the same trap as Bonnie.
You’ve dated around, learned a bunch, and now you’re “ready”.
You’ve read a bunch of self-help books that advise you to imagine your ideal man.
You make a list.
You read it like a mantra.
You put positive energy out there.
You try to manifest your soulmate.
A few months later, it’s not working.
A few years later, it’s not working.
What in God’s name is going on?! How did all these love gurus steer you wrong?
The answer is very simple.
You got the order backwards.
You created a list of 20 must-have traits and spent years trying to find a guy to fill it.
When what you should have been doing is dating a bunch of men, and seeing which of them is so great that you don’t even worry about your original list.
Want to find love FAST? Sick of waiting for the Universe to provide?
Follow these steps and you’ll be in a happy relationship before you can imagine.
1) Start dating online.
(Because the Universe doesn’t bring many guys to your front door)
2) Realize your old way isn’t working and try online dating my way.
3) Notice you suddenly have more men and higher quality men courting you.
(All because you made a proactive effort to seek out dates.)
4) Go on a date or two every single week.
(After screening out 7 subpar candidates via email and phone.)
5) Discover that you really enjoy the company of one guy, in particular.
(The conversation was easy. You laughed a bunch. You had fun.)
6) Realize that this guy is equally excited about you.
(Because he follows up to make plans with you the very next day.)
7) Go out with him on a second date. And a third. And a fourth. And a fifth.
(Plus, enjoy the foreplay that goes along with it!)
8) Delight in his offer to take his profile down and become exclusive.
Congratulations, you have a boyfriend!
But here’s the really cool part…
That dream list of 20 things you made to describe your soulmate?
Your new boyfriend has maybe 13 of them.
And you know what? It’s okay that he doesn’t have everything on that list.
That’s the whole point of life.
In fact, that’s the whole point of today’s email.
Instead of spending year after year, hoping to meet a man who fulfills a magical wish list that you think will make you happy, reverse the order:
Go out with a bunch of guys.
See who makes you happy.
When you find a guy who does, you can forget your list.
That’s exactly what I did.
My original list would have had “masters degree”, “high income”, “secular Jewish”, “never married”, “intellectually curious” and so on.
But upon dating my wife, I realized that those qualities, while attractive, don’t make much of a difference in my day-to-day happiness.
If anything, I was confused because my wife didn’t conform to my list.
The LIST was causing my strife. My WIFE was making me happy.
So, instead of trying to force your partners to conform to some made-up list, throw out your list and try a bunch of guys on for size.
See who fits. Who looks good. Who feels good.
Appreciate the things he does bring to the table instead of focusing on what he doesn’t bring to the table.
Whoever it is – and it’ll surprise you – appreciate the things he does bring to the table instead of focusing on what he doesn’t bring to the table.
This is the secret to dating and I’m giving it to you for free.
But if the real problem is that you NEVER MEET MEN, well, you’re gonna have to do something differently.
In Finding the One Online, I outline literally every single thing you have to do to find success in online dating – from choosing a site, to writing a username, to constructing a one-of-a-kind profile, to flirting with guys and making them respect your boundaries.
It’s a comprehensive and powerful program, with all the material of private coaching at 1/60th the price.
Just know that you can do everything right, but if you get the order wrong, it’s never gonna happen for you.
Ditch the list. Don’t wait for the universe. Create your own love life.
Warmest wishes and much love,
P.S. Wondering if online dating can really work for you? It does for all of my other clients, including Janie, who bought “Finding the One Online” a few months ago:
I’ve always disliked self-help books, but from the moment I started reading Finding the One Online, I felt you were talking to me. Your advice is direct and straightforward… and, as a type A personality, sometimes hard to hear. Giving up control – wow. Following his lead. Making sure he feels good, secure, trusted. The first thing I did was get help writing my profile from one of your fantastic e-Cyrano writers. The very next day after I posted it, I had an email from the man I am now dating. First I opened “Finding the One Online” and responded appropriately – thank you! He is smart, loving, funny, a perfect travel partner, and really wonderful. I have never been in such a lovely relationship. I feel secure, cherished, and happy every day. I never stopped reading your books, and checked up on myself often. Yesterday, my man brought roses to celebrate the anniversary of our first kiss. How romantic is that? Your advice was a beautiful gift!
It’s time to stop reading testimonials and start living them.