It could have been a promising prospect you met online, it could have been your boyfriend of five months, it could have been your fiancé.
The common denominator is that this man, who took your breath away and gave you hope, ultimately left you.
I know how it feels. Most people do. You stake your dreams on the integrity of your relationship, only to find out that he had eyes for someone else, that he had major issues with you, or that wasn’t ready to commit to you.
This can be devastating. It can make you mistrustful. It can make you lose faith. It can stop you from dating entirely.
But the hardest part is how, far too often, you never quite get over him.
Because you weren’t the one who ended things, your feelings remained as strong after you were dumped as they were before you were dumped.
It makes perfect sense. He might have broken up with you, but that doesn’t mean you love him any less.
This exact scenario happened recently with my client, Wanda, who was still recovering from a short relationship with a man she met on JDate.
They had gotten physical after 5 dates, took down their profiles, and entered into an exclusive relationship. Two and a half months later, he broke things off.
Said he wasn’t feeling what he thought he should be feeling. Said it wasn’t her fault. Said he wanted to remain friends.
So Wanda has remained friends with her ex – and has remained in love with him as well.
Needless to say, it’s extremely hard for her to move on. Every new man gets unfavorably compared to her ex. It’s not that she’s wrong; Wanda can’t help herself. She felt that dizzy, passionate, “in love” feeling, and even though the ex is gone, the feeling still lingers.
But should it?
Wanda’s is wondering about how to get him back. She’s hoping that their friendship turns back into a relationship. She’s “dating” but not really giving herself to the process.
In other words, she is pining for a man who does not love her unconditionally.
Talk about a bad plan. Then again, you’ve probably done the same thing.
It may be normal. It may be human. But it’s sure not healthy – especially if you aspire to the delight, passion and safety of a truly happy marriage.
If you’re still holding onto a man from your past, my program, Why He Disappeared – The Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever will show you how to instantly let go.
Don’t you think your future husband should love you unconditionally?
But let me ask you: don’t you think your future husband should love you unconditionally?
Wouldn’t you figure that this should be a pre-condition for any man who’s going to spend his life with you? I sure do.
In fact, if I’m building the perfect man, I’m starting there and working backwards:
1) Most important quality: Loves you unconditionally. Will stick by you for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part.
2) Second most important quality: Everything else – height, weight, age, income, education, etc.
Yet all I hear about, over and over, is the amazing, tall, cute, sexy, charismatic, funny, successful guy who breaks your heart when he doesn’t want to commit to you.
Well, guess what?
That guy SUCKS!
Your future husband DOESN’T leave you.
Your boyfriend’s willingness to leave you IS his fundamental flaw.
And yet you’re holding onto an idealized image of him – hoping he comes back.
Why? So when you get him back, he STILL doesn’t love you unconditionally?
Face it; your ex isn’t as great for you as you think he is. It’s not that he’s a bad guy. It’s not that you didn’t have a genuine special connection. It’s that, in practice, he’s a terrible life partner – for one very specific reason:
He was willing to let you go.
Now it’s time for you to let him go.
Same thing with any man who broke your heart in the past. Let him go.
Only then can you open up to true love – the kind that endures forever.
If you’re done pining over your selfish ex who didn’t fully appreciate you, you must read Why He Disappeared.
In it, I give you an in-depth understanding into the kind of man you want to attract and keep in your life. Starting from the moment you begin reading, you’ll begin to learn surprising concepts about men, that will transform the way you interact with them forever.
I can’t wait to hear how your life transforms!
Warmest wishes and much love,
P.S. Donna married her soul mate in June, and had this to say about Why He Disappeared.
You probably get many emails letting you know that the advice you give in your books and blogs works, but I figure it couldn’t hurt to hear one more. (I am also the woman you spoke with on the phone last spring asked to be let out of the phone coaching arrangement because I misunderstood the true cost of that service.) I also have to give credit to Arielle Ford’s book “The Soulmate Secret” which helped me begin my transformation that allowed me to attract the right man to me.
Long story short: I met an incredible man last spring on JDate and we are getting married at the end of June. I could not be happier or feel more sure about this.
I was approaching 49 had been divorced for 13 years. I had several longer-term relationships, but they obviously were not right. I also have to admit that the majority of the men left me. Looking back, I realize that none of those men would have been right. So what changed?–mostly me and my way of looking at the world and at dating. I also made a pledge to myself that no matter what happened in my dating experience, from this point forward, I would not get cynical.
Your e-book “Why He Disappeared” allowed me to realize that in many ways I was looking for a male “me” and being too critical about the wrong things. I was also closing myself off to men who were older than 7 years than myself (my fiancé is 11 years older than myself, but has more energy than me!). So when “James” contacted me on JDate and acknowledged that he was outside of my age range (he was 59 and I was 48), but stated that his dad was 92- I told myself “be open.” And as I reviewed his profile, I realized that we had many things in common.
The second most important thing I did was to go about dating differently. I listened to one of the Attracting the One online- audio seminars where you said that the purpose of online dating was to ensure that you went on only good dates. So when James immediately asked me if I would like to go for a walk, I asked him instead some questions in email and we had more email rapport which got me more interested. Then I suggested that we talk on the phone, which went well- so by the time we finally met 2 weeks later, we had a very natural and good date. (And when he proposed to me, he re-created our first date!) I must admit that when we first met, there were no sparks for me, but it was certainly pleasant. I could tell he was a good man — he even offered to help me pack as I was moving to a new house the following week. (A house which I bought with the intention of having it be large enough to accommodate another person—a two car garage and bathroom double sink. As it turns out, James has moved into my, now our home.) We took things slow, and as I got to know him, he consistently showed me how dependable, kind, capable, communicative and loving he truly was and by the end of June, I was in love with him.
This has been the easiest and most fulfilling relationship of my life. I was always envious of women who seemed to have relationships where they felt mutually adored and deeply loved….but no more!
It’s about time you had a breakthrough like Donna. And I’m going to be right by your side, just as I was with her.