Am I Wasting My Life With Him?

Am I Wasting My Life With Him?Hi Evan, My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years (off and on) says he loves me everyday, but his actions don’t follow his words. He doesn’t show me affection or attention, either physically or verbally. By this I mean he does not send text messages to say good morning anymore, he calls sometimes, but never to just say “Hi, I am thinking of you”; it’s always just to ask a financial question or work-related question. Sometimes he calls to tell me he needs something or to tell me something that happened to him. He never builds me up with kind or sweet words like he did in the beginning. He very rarely touches me, and sex has diminished ALOT over the last 10 months. It’s as though he lives in his world by himself, and so I am supposed to live by myself in mine, yet we live together…. I’m not saying that I require these things everyday, but every once in a while it would be nice to know that he thinks I am pretty or sweet or SOMETHING. I don’t think I am being too high maintenance by wanting his attention, but then again, I am not a guy and don’t know what they think or why they think it. He has asked me about marrying him a few times; I say “about” because he later told me that he was just asking to see where I was on the subject, not REALLY asking. Yet if he says something to me involving marrying him, I playfully reply with “I haven’t been asked”, to which he replies, “I have asked you”. So now not only does his behavior confuse me, but I cant help but wonder is he just not that into me, but afraid to break up? What do I do? I feel like I am in a sea of uncertainty and wasting my life away waiting on him. Your thoughts? –Michelle


My thoughts?

You don’t really want my thoughts, do you?

My thoughts are merely going to challenge your worldview, rock the axis of your earth, and change the course of your entire life.

That’s a lot of impact you’re willing to give some stranger who gives dating advice.

I don’t understand this phenomenon of “My boyfriend is totally indifferent towards me; how can I lock him in for the rest of my life?”

But since you asked, I only have one real question for you:


Why would you spend 2 ½ years with a man who doesn’t show you affection or attention?

Why would you spend 2 ½ years with a man who never does the “little things”?

Why would you spend 2 ½ years with a man who doesn’t ask how YOU’RE doing?

Why would you spend 2 ½ years with a man who never compliments you?

Why would you spend 2 ½ years with a man who rarely touches you or makes you feel hot?

Why would you spend 2 ½ years with a man who lives in his own adjacent world?

And, most importantly, given that he doesn’t do any of the things that you want from a long-term partner, that you DESERVE from a long-term partner…


You’re not alone, Michelle, but, for the life of me, I don’t understand this phenomenon of “My boyfriend is totally indifferent towards me; how can I lock him in for the rest of my life?”

Just yesterday, I talked to a member of my Inner Circle who says that she’s been with her live-in boyfriend for 3 ½ years, and that he proposed and “unproposed” to her because she was too bossy. So now she’s on probation to try to win back the ring that she lost. If that’s not enough, I asked her what percentage of her relationship was good. She said about 50%.

Can you see the willful blindness of this situation?

She’s fighting hard to preserve an unhappy union with a man who really doesn’t want to get married, who doesn’t think she’s a good partner, who has all the power in the relationship.


Low self-esteem? Loneliness? Fear? Sunk costs?

But to me, it’s like you were leasing a car for three years that stalled half of the time …and trying to negotiate a deal to own that car for life.


You might understand the concept of “actions speak louder than words”, Michelle, but until you start living your life by that rule and making sure there are consequences towards his coldness towards you, you’re hurtling towards a lifetime of unhappiness.

To answer your original question, in a line: yes, you’re wasting your life with him, and honestly, you wouldn’t be asking me that question if you didn’t know it was true.

Get out now.

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  1. 91

    wow. Pretty much feel like you just described my life… It feels more and more like a friendship each day…

  2. 92

    Why do women waste their lives in relationships where they aren’t getting all they want? I think, as a women, I have some of the answers:

    1. At one time they were what we wanted and we hope that they will go back to being what we wanted again. (We know they have it in them because they once were that way. So the real question is how to get them back to being that way.)

    2. Because many of us believe that what is out there is possibly worse. A saying comes to mind. The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. (Part of it is not wanting to be alone.)

    3. Because we are made to feel what we are asking for is too much, they we aren’t being fair in the relationship. This of course is the spin, manipulation. Words like too emotional, or even crazy are sometimes used to put you in your place. Then you have self doubt and you are scared you might lose the best thing you ever had.

    In the end, you have to be happy with being alone. If you can be happy with being alone then breaking up with someone is much easier.

    Too many women and maybe men don’t want to be alone so they sacrifice getting want they want in a relationship and settle for what is there.

    Anyone who things they want to get out of relationship needs to start by moving slowly away from that other person and getting comfortable with each step and then hopefully you can move enough steps where you can look at your situation rationally and decide if it is time to go.

    Good luck!

    1. 92.1

      On point JP

  3. 93

    Run from this self serving shell of a man. I have been married for almost 40 years to a man who always put his friends first. He has gone through friend after friend, all more important than me and our 3 kids. His latest friend is a woman he works with, takes to lunch, and texts with evenings and weekends. He texted her “Baby I love you” and she texted back ” I love you too”. Someone saw the text so he says it was a joke. He has porn on his tablet, what did I ever see in him


  4. 94

    It’s called. Gas lighting. Read up women.

  5. 95

    I am in the same situation so you are not alone. Myboyfriend use to text me good morning and now the only way he will is that if I text him 1st. I just want to feel like a woman again, I want to feel loved and wanted.

  6. 96

    This was a helpful for me

  7. 97

    He’s on PORN. Duh

    1. 97.1


  8. 98

    I can relate to that. Sometimes you just want to hear those sweet words. You just want to feel loved and i ask myself everyday why it is soo difficult for men to be affectionate, loving and caring. Is that too much to ask for?

    I am at the point where i think relationships are just way too complicated. When my boyfriend and i started dating he could hardly let an hour go by without talking to me and after work he would call me and we would chat for hours.

    He always came home to see me and presented himself as the romantic type. Although it took him some months before he could say, ‘i love you’ i didn’t mind because i thought it was rather better to have a man who proved his love through his actions than words.

    Four months now into the relationship and although i had told myself the words didn’t matter i am beginning to compare him with my X. I always try to look pretty each time i see him but never has he told me that i look beautiful. I cook for him but never has he complimented my cooking and to me its kind of discouraging in a way.

    If we have problems and i try to express myself he gives me curt, cold responses that make me wonder if ever he thinks before he responds. Although i am not a virgin i haven’t slept with this guy and i told him i would want to wait till we married. Sometimes i get the feeling he is angry and frustrated that i can’t do it with him when i have done it before.

    Since i am not sure if this relationship will work i am determined not to give away the cookie as i do not want to feel used afterwards. If he can ill treat me now before i do it what more after.

    I am a very sensitive lady who wants to feel loved. I love romantic guys and my X was very romantic, bought me flowers, took me out for dinner and called me all those sweet names. The only reason we not together is coz his parents stood in the way of our relationship and we had to cancel our wedding a few months before the date. It was heartbreaking.

    I had to move away from home to find some closure and that is the time i met this guy. I took him and accepted him for the person he is, i love him with all my heart bt the only reason i am beginning to miss my X is coz i am feeling he is not the person i thought he was. I am kind of confused, should i let it go or should i stay. He says he is serious and wants to marry me but i am thinking we too different.

    I love dressing up and looking nice but he is just chilled and can put on anything, doesn’t care  much. I am 28 and thinking i am running out of time, if i let him go i might find myself 30 single and miserable. I want to get married, be happy and have kids.

  9. 99

    Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it!!!! I spent years with someone who had the affection capacity of a statue. Never a compliment, and rarely would touch me except  30 seconds before he wanted  sex. I thought I could change him over the years because I was affectionate, but that absolutely does not work take it from me. My advice for anyone that has this type of man, PHUCKING RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!!

  10. 100

    Excellent advice from Evan!   I was in an eerily similar situation myself.   I was in a fog, living in the midst of that situation, and I just couldn’t see straight.  All the while, he was sitting back dangling my marionette strings, and giving me just enough crumbs to stick around.  I was a circus act jumping through higher and higher hoops to try and win back his attention and affection.  Anytime I tried to communicate with him that I was unhappy, he would state,  “All you do is make me feel like a failure!” and then run into his room and lock the door for several hours.

    It was sick, twisted,  and dysfunctional.  The relationship was a disillusion.  It was fool’s gold.

    I am so happy that I joined Love U.  It has helped me to gain confidence and self esteem, to see the errors in my previous ways of thinking,  and to make more effective choices for my life.

  11. 101

    Seriously about to blind side you…but he might be a sex addict.  Google for signs and symptoms – if any fit, GET OUT NOW.  My life was stolen from me by the best liar on earth.  If he hadn’t told me himself I never would have believed this is the man I married.  NEVER accept lack of intimacy and write it off without question like I did.  RESEARCH IT….and don’t convince yourself of ANYTHING.  Don’t listen to your gut. Be objective and only look at facts.  If you are questioning it, GET OUT NOW.  Nobody is worth this trauma.

  12. 102

    I needed to read this so badly. I’m currently living with my boyfriend, whose child I’m expecting in 3 months. But my boyfriend pays NO attention to me. Doesn’t talk to me, touch me, or even look at me most of the time. I feel like I’m begging for affection & that isn’t how a relationship is supposed to be. Sex still happens sometimes, but immediately after, it’s back to our own separate worlds. I feel pretty pathetic. I want to make it work, mostly for our daughter, but I know our relationship should be much different & he isn’t willing to work with me to make it better. I’m thinking this post may have just given me the push I needed to demand his effort or we’re done, so thank you.

  13. 103
    Faith Swift

    Me and my boyfriend have been together 1 year and 4 months he tells me he loves me all the time he even writes me love letters saying he don’t know what he would do without me but when he gets on his phone it’s like I don’t even exist

  14. 104
    Pretty sure M bf

    Unfortunately I beleive I’m Michelles bf, well now ex bf. We still live together currently. I admit affection went the wayside, but I’ve always wanted to marry her, I just never quite asked officially. What Michelle doesn’t tell Evan is that she goes through 3 liters of box wine every other night and doesn’t remember most nights because of it. Michelle failed to communicate her needs, so I withdrew somewhat. It became more comfortable to set aside feelings and if given the opportunity I’d change my ways because I really truly love her with all my heart. I want to marry her. Recently she emotionally cheated on me. She left her fb open and I found many messages to guys she used to hook up with. I was devastated, but ultimately I just want her happy, even if it isn’t with me.

    1. 104.1

      “I’ve always wanted to marry her, I just never quite asked officially.”

      So she didn’t know. And clearly you weren’t sure either.


      “she goes through 3 liters of box wine every other night and doesn’t remember most nights”

      She’s become alcohol dependant. She needed help. She did not need her lover pushing her away and ignoring her.  Instead of blaming her, you should have been asking questions. How long had she been drinking so much? Could it have developed in response to your failing relationship?

      I speak in past tense because I don’t think this relationship should be saved or is even capable of being saved in a healthful way. She needs a new outlet for relaxing rather than drinking. You need something too, but I don’t know what that is.


      “Michelle failed to communicate her needs, so I withdrew somewhat.”

      So it’s her fault? Anyway, accourding to her, she did tell you what she wanted. To feel desired and loved.


      “She left her fb open and I found many messages to guys she used to hook up with.”

      Emotional betrayal is never justified, but in this case the reason can at least be understood. You ignored her, she was depressed because her lover didn’t seem to love her.

      She drank for relaxation and enjoyment. She talked to guys on facebook to feel sexy and desired. Things she wasn’t getting from you.



    2. 104.2

      Oh my God!

  15. 105

    I am in a similar situation as well. My boyfriend and I just reached 3.5 years together and it has been so up and down for about a year now. Such an emotional roller coaster of really good loving times and periods of feeling empty and almost leaving. He’s very unaffectionate and rarely initiates any type of intimacy and almost never initiates sex. We both are fully aware of this issue and he always says “it will get better I promise” or “I’ll try harder” so I stay and we continue to fight because of our love for each other. We have a home and a life together and such a deep connection on a different level it’s just so hard to up and leave (as some have mentioned in prior posts–you clearly don’t understand the term easier said than done) because I would be leaving behind my absolute best friend my confidant and my other half.

    It was Hot and heavy in the beginning and we’d have sex almost daily and once we bought and moved into our house together things started to fall into “roommate” routines. He seemed to just stop trying all together which then made me stop trying. What girl is going to keep initiating when she feels undesired? I am a very sexual and affectionate person and when I don’t feel desired or sought after, my confidence plummets and I withdraw. This then sends him into a “corner” and he tries even less.  I feel I can’t even show him I’m upset anymore because I need to maintain ahappy attitude to which he claims is his attraction to me. Yet, he still never initiates any type of sexual intimacy or affection. I try so hard to focus on myself and be happy but every night he just resorts to playing on his phone and I resort to the feeling of loneliness when he’s right next to me. When we go to bed all I want is him to hold me and to feel safe and secure. I feel awkward asking him to hold me when I feel he should just want to. When you love someone don’t you want to show them?

    I have been going to therapy and it helps, but it’s also hard coming to terms with the fact that we’re just on different pages with intimacy. My therapist explained how everyone is different and I get that, but we’re human and all humans need to feel desired and special. When he does show me affection it’s great and we both feel amazing and as if we can conquer the world. he sees the positive change in me but hes never consistent enough for us to move forward in our relationship. It just stops for weeks sometimes. Others our age are married and are having children. It’s scary to feel thatsjust not in the cards for us… I’m so torn and I continue to maintain a positive attitude around him because he deserves the best version of me, but it’s starting to really eat away at me. I’ve never been so confused and scared in my life.

    1. 105.1
      Karl R

      Jessie asked:

      “When you love someone don’t you want to show them?”

      There are four or five different love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, giving/receiving gifts, acts of service, and quality time. I suspect that the two of you have different love languages. I also suspect he is (or at least was) showing you, but he was using a different love language, which you weren’t tuned in to noticing.


      Jessie said:

      “It was Hot and heavy in the beginning and we’d have sex almost daily”

      That’s normal during the infatuation stage of the relationship. Infatuation doesn’t last. I waited until it wore off before moving in.


      Jessie said:

      “it’s just so hard to up and leave (as some have mentioned in prior posts–you clearly don’t understand the term easier said than done)”

      I think everyone understands that it’s more easily said than done. But you seem to have four choices, and none of them are easy.


      Your choices – pick the one that sounds easiest (or best):

      1. Unhappily endure the current situation until one of you dies.

      2. Leave him now.

      3. Wait a few years, then leave him.

      4. Change your attitude, so you become happier with the situation as it is.


      All of the other options (that I can think of) require your boyfriend to make a choice … for example, he could choose to leave you.

      It sounds to me like you’ve been waiting for your boyfriend to make a choice that will fix things. You can’t force him to make a choice. Even if he does, it may not be a choice that you like.

      1. 105.1.1

        Hey great options

  16. 106

    I am just breaking my way out of 12 years like this.  Trust me it won’t and he wont change so if you want to accept that for yourself, know that it will be for life and probably with more problems to come.

    You’re self esteem and confidence will disapear and you will start to feel repulsive and anything but feminine.

    I wish I had had the courage to say something in the early days but I just couldn’t and maybe that’s because I was afraid of the answer.

    If I could turn back the clock I would. Sadly I’ll never get this person fully out of my life now as we now have 3 children. It gets worse as the years go on.. So please have more respect for yourself and more care for yourself.  Nobody deserves this. My story completely echoes yours with the marriage thing etc. I never did get an engagement.. That guy will take and take from you and you’ll never have anything back.

  17. 107

    I love Evan, and I love his words.

  18. 108

    This article really hit home and validates how I am feeling right now.

    I am in a similar situation and I’m ready to leave – just looking for a new place right now. I’ve been with my fiancé for 3 years and it’s quite obvious that it will be like this for years to come. He doesn’t call or text all day – he calls on his way home from work to ask what’s for dinner (seriously I’m not a 1950s wife…I work full time 60 hours per week). I quit cooking so now he has to do it – and don’t forget that “he’s doing it”. As soon as dinner is over, he goes out on the patio to smoke a cigar and drink wine. By the time he’s done, I’m in the bed because it’s late. His complaint is that I should go out there with him. On the weekends – he spends his time golfing for 1/2 of the day. I used to play with him but there’s just no compromise when I ask for time to do things that I enjoy. We don’t go on dates or plan anything together. The last date that we went on was about four months ago, I took him to a Andrea Bocelli concert and he couldn’t even pretend to enjoy it. I used to initiate all of it but why do all the work? Why chase him? It’s a vicious cycle that repeats itself over and over – I end up feeling lonely all the time and the days when I need support – he’s not there to listen or even care. I’ve been sick for about 4 days with a cold – not a slight concern about how I’m feeling and I know he can hear me hacking and coughing half the evening. There’s no companionship at all – we are simply roommates at this point.

    I am not okay with it. It is not acceptable to me. The sad part is – I’ve had 3 separate conversations with him where I was very clear about his lack of attention to me and how our lives were quite separate. The last conversation was about 6 weeks ago and I told him that I would move out. He is oblivious and clueless. He admits “oh I guess I didn’t realize it”. I asked him what do you think would happen to our relationship if you never purposefully spend time with me. I asked him what he wants in a relationship and ironically, all of the things that he named were the things that I am asking for – there’s just no reciprocity.

    He was married for 22 years and divorced prior to meeting me. I just feel like I’m living with the remnants of his marriage and he’s treating me the same way that he treated his ex-wife. I can see why she might have left. I don’t think I am asking too much – just spend some time with me and make me feel like you’re interested in me. That’s it. If you can’t, own it so I can move on.

    I don’t want to spend the next 5-10 years of my life being ‘nice’ to each other. The sad part is, I have a 7-year old son who adores him and it will be a tough transition for him.

  19. 109

    This is for YOU!

    Living the dream is not merely “living the dream” in your relationship. Some of us learn early on how to steer away from such people in less than six months to a year. They have learned how not to give in or settle with someone who’s first agenda was to reel you in just to waste “YOUR” time! While others, including myself (in the past) beat ourselves up for remaining in an unhealthy relationship, but remain there simply because we hold on to what we think is love. We come up with a million excuses as to why we SHOULD stay. The fact is that it’s not healthy nor fair to you! It’s your life and you can make it better. The first step is to own up to the reality that this person is not going to change for you, so it’s time to move on! And honestly, when you (finally) do, you will thank yourself for doing it. Treat YOURSELF to something good and don’t feel sorry that you did or look back! Next in line! 😀



  20. 110

    To equate the analogy Evan is using is a little different than how people see relationships. In the analogy you know you have choices therefore you won’t except anything less. In a relationship, you fear the unknown future and think maybe if you stick it out you can get some of what you want. The longer you stay the less valuable you are to men. I know that sounds cold but when you look at men’s profiles they think and want women very young. Men don’t understand why women want a commitment so fast but it is because the loss of years effects our marketability. So we don’t want someone playing around and taking the best years of our life to leave us in the lurch later on.

    If you had 5 million dollars would you still be in that relationship? Is that relationship based on need or want?

    The 5 million dollars is a metaphor for being in control of your own life and what you can or can not do. Do you still want that person?

    Also, do you want that person because of what they were and they are no longer are.  Try talking to them. If there is no compromise, then regretfully it probably is over because they are satisfied and you are not in the relationship.

    I have never understood, just because you have been with someone for awhile the ease that some have of taking the other for granted and not thinking that is negatively going to effect the relationship.

  21. 111

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for nine years now. I’ve asked myself more than twice a week if something is wrong. I’m ready for the next step, I’ve spoken about it and I’m always hushed or told we can’t afford a wedding. The love life is good, but outside the bedroom there isn’t much unless he is drinking. I never get compliments, I’ve been told “there earned” and thus my self esteem is extremely low. I don’t feel good about myself and often find myself yearning for one. I’ve put my career on hold so his could go forward and it has. But I’ve found myself broke and now dependant on him. He doesn’t buy me stuff, he doesn’t take me away or go on dates. I’m often using my last cent to try do something for us. I really love him. But im starting to feel very alone. He has often told we other girls are a ride when drunk, even in front of friends which I laugh off but it hurts. I don’t know anymore. When I’ve tried talking to him he turns it around on me and I feel worse or annoying for have tried to explain my feelings instead if him asking am I okay or how to fix things.

  22. 112

    I actually married my non affectionate boyfriend 13 years ago. We have 2 wonderful kids and I am extremely lonely and longing for any type of physical contact. It’s horrible. Get out while you still can!!

  23. 113

    Hey I am live together with my boyfriend we are different country so I move to his country after garaduate from college. Well I am not working he is the only one work, we were so in love and we both wanted to live together. After live together I am not feel so much happy with his beahavior, we are in relationship for 2 and half year, and been living together for 1 and half year… 9months lately I feel so tired with him and I feel so unhappy, he never wanted to take me for date everyweekdays her work and weekend he need to see his parents, he say that he spend enough time everyweekdays with me so he don’t need to take me out somewhere just like a culouple, I am so bored and tired of argue with him the same things, he is also lack of effection, I sometimes I feel like he is narcist, everything is about him. He told me to not work cause he can pay all our life, but once if we are argue he will tell me you better go back to your country, and then we fine again. I am tired and I am young, I am thinking about all the things I’ve suffering for him, I am afraid if I wasted more time to please this kinda of man, he say many words many promise to make me happy but not even 1 he prove it. I want to move on but also I love him,I am such a sensitive emotional girl. I am telling him what I want but he just never listen, I can not be the only one who is do everything to make us happy. And also he is such a unhappy Man, ungrateful, anger man, he always think that he is always right. Last few moth I think about leaving this country and move on,. I feel like he don’t deserve me. I am 23 btw and he is 27 we are living together before but married .

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