This Guy I Met Online Did Something Creepy. Should I Run?

About three years ago, a man on OkCupid messaged me. I wasn’t interested in meeting, so it ended pretty quickly. Eight months ago, I reactivated my account and he messaged me again. Again, it didn’t go beyond OkCupid messages and I deactivated soon after as I wanted to take a break from dating. About two weeks ago, I reactivated and once again, he messaged me. This time we both agreed it was amusing that we’d been on the dating site for so long and a meeting was overdue. We quickly began texting daily and he wanted to meet soon. For some reason, I didn’t trust him. He’s very good looking and just seems too smooth with his words. I’m ashamed, but I ended up searching him on Google and found a blog post written in mid-2013 by an ex-girlfriend warning others to stay away. Included in the post were photos of two handwritten lists compiled in 2011 of 85 women he had interest in dating or sleeping with. One list was of OkCupid women alphabetized and color-coded, which had my name and OkCupid username listed and coded as “will never meet”. I haven’t asked him about these lists and not sure I should. Does this sound like a large red flag or the act of a woman scorned?

Ivy

Yes and Yes.

It should be quite easy to find a man who does not have a fuck list published on the internet.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Julia

    I wonder if this is the wall street guy that had the spread sheet hoopla last year???

    1. 1.1
      Selena

      I immediately thought the same thing!

  2. 2
    starthrower68

    If the OP’s gut already told her something was off before she saw the ex’s post, something was off. 

  3. 3
    jessica

    Evan,

    This has to be my favorite response of yours EVER! As always, spot on! 🙂 

  4. 4
    Sunflower

    What would drive a man to do that?  I mean honestly!

  5. 5
    kath

    Very concise  Love the answer!!

  6. 6
    Stacy

    This is like asking if the sky is  blue.

  7. 7
    jeane

    So does this mean that as long as the list is not published he is still good to go? 
     
    Kidding!

  8. 8
    JennLee

    WOW! Red flag? A sleeping bull would be sent into a rage by that huge red flag! Great answer Evan!

  9. 9
    sophia

    This is exactly why men scare me in my early fourtys; either they are undatable because they look like 3’s and 4’s on a scale of one to ten, or apparently they are diabolical liars who have f lists and pray on girls who are innocently looking for love.
     
    I’m trying very hard to be optimistic but It seems I have to compete for normal guys with women half my age who want children and have never been married.  And anyone half decent looking either feels I should settle for an f buddy scenario, or they are too busy with other women to take me seriously. My last three very short lived relationships were an alcoholic liar, a ptsd psycho with multiple personalities, and an Asperger angry introverted workaholic. I’ve had two failed marages and I’ve been single since 07′ HELP!

    1. 9.1
      Kathy

      Sophia@9.. Sounds like my dating life sometimes, also.. I have met sooo many psychologically damaged men that it took awhile to figure out(wasting my time) in online dating it is unbelievable.. I had a relationship with a narcissist(not someone that is “narcissistic”) that hid his true self for quite awhile.. My last heartbreak I think could have possibly been bi polar.. I am still reeling from this one and trying to figure it out. He was extremely charming, sweet and intelligent. But they hide their true selves for awhile, and then can’t keep up the act anymore, and some form of psycho comes out,, all at your expense.
      Dating in the last 5 years has made me pretty jaded.. I’m wondering what psychosis is going to show up next??  And if it not a psychosis, it is men with poor social skills.. My date Friday nite told me he would “wear me out”. This was on a first date! And now he is psycho stalking me on my cell phone by text after I have said No! I never imagined dating to be so hard..

      1. 9.1.1
        starthrower68

        I think I passed jaded a while back and went into blithe. 😜

    2. 9.2
      JennLee

      Sophia, I hope you don’t think that good looking 20s and 30s guys aren’t the same way. If anything, they are worse, and get away with it much easier because of their eye candy appeal.

      Try simply setting some boundaries with guys and be firm. If a guy acts like he wants to just be F-buddies, let him know that isn’t going to happen, but that aside from that, you find him intriguing, or interesting, and would like to continue to see him. Do it in a calm, warm friendly manner and you might connect with something in him that other women haven’t. You have to draw the good man out because like it or not, there are a lot of creepy, bad women out there also, and some psychos along with them, and they have done damage to these guys, just as bad guys have done damage to us. So don’t approach the situation like most women who set their jaw, flash the anger in their eyes, and write him off as just another jerk. Maybe he’s a great guy who is afraid to allow a woman to get close because none make him feel safe to do so? That is what I am learning about myself, and learning about many guys.

      Also, it is time for us women to start being honest. We are far more critical of looks than men are. Biologically we are primed to do so. We look for the best candidate to father our children, so we compare and contrast every man in our lives. We often even compare and contrast them to out fathers, if he was a good man. We put them through the mill because we are looking for the absolute best we can get. That’s great in evolutionary procreation, but works against us in our romantic lives. The very best men are not the best relationship material. They might impress our friends and thus make us feel like we won, but they tend to be jerks, because they can be. They didn’t have to develop nurturing qualities, or empathy. They were allowed to be selfish all of their lives because all of us women wanted them, and we let them know it. Further, many of us have had very good looking men in our lives, and we learn one bad lesson from that, and don’t learn the good lesson. The bad lesson is that we may not actually be as hot as we think we are. A bitter pill to swallow, an no doubt some who read that will seek solace by finding hot guys to sleep with, or date. We want it reinforced that we really are that hot. But maybe we over-value ourselves by a few points. Thus we look at guys who are our best match, and toss them aside with the attitude that we can do better, because we have done better in the past. But did we really do better? Why do we value looks over all other things? Why isn’t the way a man treats us so much more valuable? Why, if given the choice do we choose the hot a-hole over the average looking sweetheart?. The simple answer is because we are women, and we want everything we can get, and then some. But in this case, we want the wrong things. I’ve had the guys with the model good looking faces, and they turned out to be jerks. I’ve had the guys with the 6-pack abs, and they turned out to be jerks. I’ve had the guys with the money, fancy clothes and flashy cars, and they turned out to be jerks. So I am learning I just have to have a really good cry about the fact that I can’t have it all, and then decide if I want a guy who will be dependable for the rest of our lives together, or the guy I will catch with his secretary, or my best friend. Do I want a guy I can actually respect as a person, or just a guy who makes me get goosebumps when I see him. I’m learning to value what is actually important in a man, and that number one thing is that he has to be able to be my best friend. he has to be somebody I respect as a person, somebody who treats me like gold. He doesn’t have to have money, a great job, impress my friends and make them swoon, and he doesn’t have to be a total hottie. He just has to be a really nice guy. A man who I can trust, and depend on. Yes, i still want to like what he looks like, at least a little bit, but the point is, I am learning to value looks less, and character more. At some point, a guy who is good looking enough, with solid morals, will come along and I will be ready for him.

    3. 9.3
      flonie

      totally agree with you about the 3’s and 4’s on a scale…I don’t mean to be vain.  I’m not a beauty queen by any merit, but I also don’t think I’m a troll.
      Unfortunately, online dating is the only medium I’ll find someone (if I have the strength in me to wade through the junk).  This contradicts what Evan may think, but I honestly think I’ve got too many personal issues to really invest in a relationship. 
      It is a big risk and with little chance of a return.  One of my flaws is that I end up with guys that can’t communicate.  At the beginning it seems all fun and exciting, but eventually they all tense up and they can’t tell you what’s bugging them.  When you get upset, they still can’t tell you’re mad until you go full fledged mad on them, that’s when they get it.

      1. 9.3.1
        JoeK

        “When you get mad, they still can’t tell until you go full-fledged on them…”
         
        Maybe/maybe not. Personally I stopped interpreting her behaviors as “mad” and started waiting for her to tell me so in no uncertain terms.
         
        “but eventually they all tense up and they can’t tell you what’s bugging them.  When you get upset, they still can’t tell you’re mad until you go full fledged mad on them, that’s when they get it.”
         
        Umm…contradiction…
         
         

      2. 9.3.2
        Henriette

        “Also, it is time for us women to start being honest. We are far more critical of looks than men are.” 
         
        @ JennLee:  Please qualify this as, “Some women are far more critical of looks than some men are,” because I can assure you that I’m not at all critical when it comes to fellows’ looks.  I dated my physical ideal when I was in college and that taught me that physical beauty isn’t what makes a relationship great; lesson learned.  I’m sure there are plenty of other women like me here on this blog.  Not saying I’m perfect  but definitely saying I don’t fit in with your all-encompassing statement.

    4. 9.4
      Clare

      Sophia,

      Have you considered extended coaching with a relationship coach? They are brilliant at guiding you and showing you where you may be going wrong. If you can afford it, coaching is very effective. 

  10. 10
    Amy

    Love the photo you chose to go with your response, it’s just as creepy as the guy involved!

    1. 10.1
      starthrower68

      There’s something about his pose that strikes me as quite effeminate.

  11. 11
    J

    Go with your gut – I wish I would’ve learned that way sooner than I did.
    Use your instinct- it won’t let you down.  

  12. 12
    flonie

    Not so much creepy, but I’ve found myself attracted to a guy that is cheap with compliments. It’s a long distance thing, so that compounds one problem.
    I took the plunge and took some selfies in some intimate apparel (he wanted to give me a second opinion) today and the reaction I got was less than what I anticipated.  I made a silly face in one, and you can’t see my face in the others when I was trying out some bras.  He just laughed and said I looked awkward…gee…thanks…to top it off…a bra he previously LOVED, he said he wasn’t a fan of now…
    I’m not gonna make a big deal out of it because well, if he doesn’t find myself attractive, I can’t force him.  At one point he said I looked beautiful, he’s only said that to me twice.  I recently reactivated my online profile because I need to feel desirable.  Lately I noticed that I got several messages a day (some are a few needy guys, ones that will message you again before you’ve had time to reply) and a few were ok looking…Not stunning but within my group that I belong. 
    What’s interesting is that the guy who was the object of my interest (though albeit it’s wanning now after this), he’s not my type but overtime I fell for him for who he was…
    Not to be negative, but #datingsucks
     

    1. 12.1
      starthrower68

      Sweetie, you are fearfully and wonderfully made for a marvelous purpose. To heck with that guy. 😊

      1. 12.1.1
        flonie

        Thanks alot, I needed that.

    2. 12.2
      Al

      Lose him ASAP. He is intentionally devaluing you in order to get you off kilter and insecure so he has all the power. It does NOT get better with time, but much, much worse. This screams Narcissist. Run!

  13. 13
    SAL9000

    Meh, many/most men AND women have lists of some sort like this, it’s just that in 99.999% of cases they’re never made public. My hope is he gets wind of it and investigates legal action against this sociopath.

    1. 13.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Sorry, SAL, you just outed yourself as creepy. People have “favorite” lists on their dating sites, which one can presume are people they find attractive and would be open to dating/sleeping with. But to have a separate spreadsheet that’s like a “hit list”? Weirdweirdweird.

      1. 13.1.1
        SAL9000

        Calling names like a school girl? C’mon, bro, you should be better than this.
         
        First, how is it “weirdweirdweird” given you just agreed with me that most DO have some sort of (private) favorites/hit list?!
         
        Second, OKCupid has gone back and forth on the ability to have a favorites list. Currently, new accounts no longer have the ability so if you want a list you’re gonna have to be “creepy” and roll your own like this guy.
         

  14. 14
    Jennifer

    Why in the world would you be ashamed of yourself for Googling someone? It’s not like you hired a private investigator to follow him around. Don’t apologize all over yourself for doing something normal.

  15. 15
    Stacy

    Gosh, I can relate to each and every one of you. If looks were not important, I would be SOOO married.  I don’t think I ask for much. I just want someone who makes me want to have sex with him.  I mean, is asking for a man in his 40s who is a ‘7’ really that much?  I just went out with a brilliant doctor and he is awesome but I feel horrible because I can’t even imagine myself kissing the guy. I tried to go out of my comfort zone.’heavy sigh’
      I understand that I have limitations being that I am a mother. But, I take damn good care of myself and know everything else I bring to the table both  physically and mentally. I am not looking for or chasing chemistry but I need something to work with. It just doesn’t look good. 

    1. 15.1
      starthrower68

      I’m on Meet Me, which used to be My Yearbook. I’m not there looking for a date, but for entertainment purposes only.  I’m getting hit up by a fairly good looking professional 41- year-old.  I’m 46, fat, dumpy, and have kids.  What’s wrong with him? If he’s talking to me, he must have some sort of fatal flaw.  I don’t trust it. 😜

      1. 15.1.1
        Kim

        Women dont need to be good looking to find attractive men online

        1. starthrower68

          He claimed to be looking “for a good woman to settle down with”. I made sure to share a dumpy picture with him so he could have an out.  Attractive men might sleep with the fat dumpy type if they want to get laid but I am not sure fat and dumpy has enough beauty to capture such a guy’s heart.  I’m not complaining, it is what it is. 

        2. Tim

          For that you might have to drop you standards extremely low and settle for someone who is your mere equal. 

          But you deserve better than a fat dumpy loser. Much better. 

        3. starthrower68

          Tim, this might list on you but I called myself fat and dumpy.  Could we stop with the pretense now?  If you have an axe to grind with women, just speak plainly instead of dancing around it. 

        4. starthrower68

          I should add, for Tim’s sake because he’s ready to pounce, that I did not say I deserve anything.  I’m not even dating or attempting to date.  As a matter of fact, the guy got miffed at me for the supposed implication that he’s shallow.  But I’ve seen enough posts here from men that complain about women posting old photos of themselves 50 lbs. ago that I’m just honest about it from the get go.  And TIM since you don’t know me or what kind of man I’d be attracted to anyway, you assertion has no grounding in truth. 

        5. starthrower68

          You are correct Evan, it is enough.  I was poking fun at myself and I felt compelled to address a comment that really had nothing to do with what I actually said.

      2. 15.1.2
        starthrower68

        Be lost on you that is.  And yes, by a lot of the standards here I’m a loser.  

        1. Tim

          You should read the posts of women on this forum more closely.

      3. 15.1.3
        Stacy

        Starthrower,

        I have learned that how we perceive ourselves is not always how others perceive us. We are our harshest critics.  I highly doubt a good looking professional would hit on you if you were ‘dumpy’.  ‘Fat’ is relative and is not synonymous with unattractive.  

        1. starthrower68

          It maybe also be due to where I live.  I live in small town farm country.  There are attractive people where I live, but not on the LA or NYC level.  I’m 3-4 hours south of Chicago and 1 1/2 hours north of St. Louis.  That seems like a simple view, but I think it really does come into play.  Two people who I went to school with who “hit it big” left the area a long time ago.

        2. twinkle

          Starthrower: Yes I agree with Stacy, maybe you’re more attractive in his eyes than in your own, it happens, people’s tastes differ. Btw I may be out of line here, but u could gradually lose weight and play up your looks by learning more makeup skills, so u won’t think that u look ‘fat’ or ‘dumpy’. Neither is that difficult. 

          I used to be considered very beautiful but I had an illness that robbed me of some of that beauty. I’m still considered attractive by others, but it dealt me a psychological blow. I learnt to make up for it by using more and better-applied makeup. It’s an ego blow to feel u need something u didn’t need before, but I try to count my blessings and have learnt to be quite happy. I hope you’ll take steps to improve and feel better about your appearance. 🙂 Then maybe you’ll feel more optimistic when guys message u online. (And ignore Tim when he makes unreasonable comments).  

        3. Julia

          Makeup is good, so is losing weight but more importantly, not calling yourself “fat and dumpy” there is nothing more unattractive than people who don’t like themselves. If you liked yourself, you wouldn’t talk down on yourself so much.

        4. starthrower68

          I don’t disagree with you. I would certainly like how I look better if I was thin but I don’t suffer from self-loathing. I do have a self-deprecating sense of humor. I will work on weight as a matter of health. But I would not try to date while losing weight. For me it requires intense focus and concentration, and dating is stressful.  I could too easily fall into using food as medication to alleviate that stress. 

      4. 15.1.4
        flonie

        You know, I can really relate on this one.  I’m frumpy and chunky.  However, I tried to put some nice photos of me on POF.  Most of the hits I got were from other like minded big guys, which I’m not interested in.  A few would msg me in broken english with their phone numbers.
         
        Kim: I disagree with your comment that women don’t need to be good looking to find an attractive man.  I’m not even looking for stunning men, just a 7 and even those are hard to come by.  They lose interest very fast.

      5. 15.1.5
        kaystarr

        I’m plus sized. Fat. Overweight. Thick. Full-figured. Whatever someone wants to call it, I’m it. I’m would’t be described as dumpy, I’m more descried by the opposite sex as beautiful or gorgeous, but I’m still plus sized. Granted I’m both busty and curvy, but I’m still plus-sized.

        That said, I’m approached online by super handsome, in shape men all the time. The men I’ve dated/spoken to in the past year have easily been 8+ and the most handsome I’ve met throughout my single life and I’m the largest I’ve been ever in my life. I tell my friends I have “a handsome man problem.”

        However, I do note that when they realize I won’t be sleeping with them (or I sleep with them several times because a 2+ month dating relationship is progressing) they disappear. So, this man may very well be interested in you, but it’s up to you to determine WHY. Doing that will take talking to him, spending one-on-one time with him and keeping sex off the table. His true interest in you and/or any motives he may have will make themselves clear in time.

        Big girls can pull, easily. We just have to be aware of who it is we’re pulling and what they truly desire from us.

    2. 15.2
      Joe

      Everyone wants a 7 or better, but not everyone is a 7 or better…

      1. 15.2.1
        starthrower68

        Is that a general assertion or a pointed comment?

        1. Joe

          Just a general assertion.  It’s the Lake Wobegon Effect again.  Everyone wants someone above average, even those who aren’t above average.

    3. 15.3
      Al

      I’m having similar issues. I’ve tried REALLY hard to date the “nice” guys who aren’t all that attractive but it never works. We can call people shallow all day long for caring about physical appearance, but the truth is that without the chemistry or any sexual attraction you’re just “friends.” Is it fair to “settle” for someone you aren’t really all that into? What if that person would rather have someone who thought they were the cat’s pajamas instead of being a “fall back” mate?

  16. 16
    Noemi

    Kudos for googling the creepy dude! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, hence the ex girlfriend’s online post about him, but i’d say it’s a blessing you found it. 

    With the advent of social media such as Facebook, twitter, instagram, etc., it is easier than ever to find information on a guy (or girl, for that matter). Now that you have done a “background check” on this guy and found a bit of disturbing information, it is time to RUN RUN RUN. 

  17. 17
    Rose

    This guy sounds a little socially impaired, like he is super analytical and OCD.  Evan’s response is brilliant!

    I agree with JennLee’s post earlier about over-estimating ourselves.  It doesn’t matter in the slightest bit what you think you deserve, or what your mom thinks you deserve, or what kind of man your friends think you can snag.  It’s market forces that determine what you can get.  Dating is a free market, it’s constantly self-adjusting towards a temporary equlibrium and sets the price for everyone, men and women.  How many younger, more attractive, more available women are also willing to date that man that you want?  Also, if the average guy is uglier than the average girl, then the average girl will end up with someone uglier than herself.

  18. 18
    Jay King

    Of course YES. That is a red flag, you should stay away from anyone who has a list such as that. Needless to say, he’s just looking for one night stand. If your not comfortable with it, RUN.

  19. 19
    Jo Pinto Palomino

    Let him know you found the list, and tell him to get lost. This is a non brained. 

  20. 20
    Christine

    I find the biggest issue with dating/getting to know guys especially online is the amount of choices from good to decent looking or somewhat attractive women opposite the small number of attractive, decent looking guys. Take away the ‘players’ and others with personal issues and there’s literally nothing left to go with. I havent found someone yet that even made a week without it going downhill even after making exceptions for guys that are more average and generally not my type. Last guy I had contact with didn’t exactly knock my socks off either but I still gave him a chance, had nice intelligent conversations, and after an interesting phone call where I may or may not indicated that I’m not the easy type, dont like vulgarity etc he seemed to retract a little and didn’t contact me first either. Just accept it even as an attractive woman being classy, confident and modest diminishes your chances to ever find a mate unless you go below your standards and settle for less. From my experience even guys complaining about cheating sluts and claiming to want a decent woman look at sex as a nr 1 priority and the need for validation is insane. Put out or get out.

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