If you’re single, you’ve probably gone through hell in the dating world. Maybe you even think of it all as a dating game.
Investing your time in guys who don’t follow through after a first date.
Wasting months on men who don’t want anything more than a casual relationship.
Taking years to wait for a man to propose when he was never really going to.
Yes, as a dating coach, I am very fluent in the way you can allow your optimism to override your realism when it comes to love.
And yes, it’s true. Loving and losing can hurt far more than never loving at all.
And after all of those false starts and rejections and disappointments, it would be very easy to come to the conclusion that, dammit, you just seem to attract the “wrong” men.
Except it’s not true.
What if I told you that in my 15 years of single adulthood, I went out with a lot of women who were, let’s just say…highly emotional.
After all of those false starts and rejections and disappointments, it would be very easy to come to the conclusion that, dammit, you just seem to attract the “wrong” men.
Girlfriends who left me at weddings, restaurants and holiday parties.
Girlfriends who told me I was a sociopath.
Girlfriends who threatened to beat up people with candlesticks.
Girlfriends who sent me anonymous hate email.
Seriously. And this is the stuff I can share with you in a blog post!
Anyway, once upon a time, one of my friends was listening to one of my dating horror stories and offered her diagnosis:
“You’re clearly attracted to crazy women. You must really love the drama.”
From the perspective of a decent guy, it was a reasonable conclusion to draw. After all, I did have a disproportionate number of stories about highly emotional women. But when I thought about it, she was wrong.
I didn’t like drama.
I didn’t like crazy.
I craved stability and normalcy and unconditional love and support.
That’s when it dawned upon me:
My problem wasn’t that I was attracted to crazy women…
Yes, I was attracted to women, and yes, a certain percentage of them were going to be crazy. That’s not surprising.
The real issue was how much time I’d invested in these women, hoping that they’d suddenly become calm. That’s where I was guilty. I continually put myself through roller-coaster relationships in my own life with insecure people, hoping that they would work themselves out.
They never did.
The wrong men never work themselves out either.
Thus, the problem isn’t that you’re attracting the wrong men. That’s just a myth.
It was never about how to attract the right men. The truth is that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men; you ACCEPT the wrong men.
The truth is that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men.
When you’re dating a man who has been with you for five years and never proposed, the problem is that you ACCEPTED HIM.
When you’re dating a man who is verbally abusive, and shuts down when you attempt to reasonably communicate with him, the problem is that you ACCEPTED him.
When you’re dating a man who has addiction issues, employment issues, and emotional issues, the problem is that you ACCEPTED him.
I’m not encouraging you to be intolerant of men’s flaws. I’m telling you that if you think you ATTRACT the wrong guys, you’re incorrect.
You attract lots of men.
By your definition, 95% of them are going to be the “wrong” men. As such, you’re never going to stop attracting the wrong men.
What you ARE going to do different is to stop ACCEPTING them.
Stop accepting unacceptable treatment and justifying it because you “love” him.
Stop spinning your wheels, waiting by the phone, walking on pins and needles in fear he’ll dump you.
Stop investing your emotions in men who refuse to give you the love, security, and consistency that you deserve.
Finally, stop beating yourself up for attracting the wrong men. That’s a waste of time.
If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitmentphobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching, failing to commit, or trying to make them a decent guy. Your job is to leave.
At a certain point, it’s not his fault for being fundamentally flawed.
It’s your fault for thinking that your chemistry is powerful enough to change your broken relationship. Remember, most men are the wrong men. The problem is that you give the men these men a free pass because of your chemistry.
You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING the bad behavior of the wrong men… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.
Finally, you’ll be open to receiving the quality of love you deserve.
But it starts with you.