The Single Best Place to Meet Quality Guys

The Single Best Place to Meet Quality Guys
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This morning, I took a peek at the questions coming into my blog. There I found eight questions all saying the same thing:

“Where is the best place to meet a quality, relationship-oriented man? I’m really open to everything you say, Evan, but I never meet any good men!”

I hear ya.

It’s certainly frustrating to want to prioritize your love life, but not have the opportunity to meet any new men on a day-to-day basis.

This lack of opportunity, above all, is the main reason that you’re not in love now.

It’s not because you’re terrible with men.

It’s not because you have nothing to offer.

The reason you’re single is simply that you haven’t met the right guy — and yet you have no idea where he’s coming along.

I’ve only got one word for you, my friend.

Match.com

Before you tune out or run away screaming, hear me out.

Because this isn’t just my opinion. This is fact.

As opinionated as I am, I’m always open to the possibility of being proven wrong.

I hope you are, too.

Did you hear that? That’s the sound of your preconceived notions being shattered.

Because studies show that facts don’t actually matter when you have a deeply held opinion.

That’s right.

If I told you that 2 + 2 = 4, but you believe that 2 + 2 = 5, no amount of evidence can make you change your mind. In fact, any evidence that I provide that contradicts you is only going to make you believe in your original premise more.

Fascinating, isn’t it?

Yes, you’re hardwired to be stubborn and, as such, you can easily fall victim to “the confirmation bias”, which seeks out information which only reaffirms what you already believe (biting my tongue on the obvious Fox News joke…)

So, if you have dated online and discovered the following:

– Men sometimes lie.
– Men often flake out.
– Men are poor at marketing themselves.
– Men are stupid, sexual and visual.
– The wrong men write to you. The right men don’t.

I wouldn’t be able to argue with any of this.

And if you concluded that, because of those observations, you weren’t inclined to try online dating again, you’d have plenty of evidence to support yourself.

But, in writing off online dating you’d be making a massive mistake. Here’s why:

In the past three years, 17% of all married couples met through online dating.

This is more than TWICE the number of couples who met through bars, clubs, and other social events.

Did you hear that?

That’s the sound of your preconceived notions being shattered.

Don’t fight it.

Now, to be fair, 38% of marriages came from work and school. And 27% came through a friend or family member.

So clearly that must mean that those are “better” ways of meeting…

Not so fast.

How many people have a job or go to school? About 100%

How many people have friends and family? About 100%

How many people are paying for online dating sites at a given time? Maybe 5%.

What this illustrates is that, proportionally, 5% of the population (online daters) accounts for 17% of the marriages in the past 3 years.

Which goes to show that the people who are dating online are finding love at a significantly higher rate than people who rely on workplace romance or set-ups.

“So what?!” you might say to yourself, still unconvinced. “I dated online and HATED it! That should mean something!”

Irking women is my job. Anything to get you outside your comfort zone, to get you to see the world through a different, more empowering lens.

Yes. Yes it does. It means you have a deep-seated bias against online dating, so that anything I say which contradicts you is just going to irk you more.

Irking women is my job. Anything to get you outside your comfort zone, to get you to see the world through a different, more empowering lens.

So let’s keep on going with your other misconceptions about online dating:

You dated online for 3 months and didn’t find love? Makes sense. You’ve been in love 3 times in 40 years — why would you think you should it in 90 days on JDate?

You’ve noticed that men tend to disappear in the middle of emailing? Consider: have YOU ever disappeared in the middle of emailing a man because you found other men you liked better? I thought so.

You think that men misrepresent their height or age? Yep. And so do women. Maybe even you. It’s not because you have no integrity or are a congenital liar. It’s because men and women both discriminate based on looks and age, and you merely want to be given an opportunity to meet.

You don’t want to pay so much for a service that yields no results? Go out for one night of drinks and appetizers with your girlfriends. You just spent more than an entire month on Match.com and you didn’t meet any guys either.

You think that 90% of men online are “wrong” for you. You’re right. But so are 90% of men in bars, on buses, or in Starbucks. If you have high standards, MOST men are not going to be to your liking.

So if 90% of all men aren’t even first-date worthy, where is the place where you have access to the greatest number of men?

You got it: Match.com.

Listen, I’m no Pollyanna. I’m not a corporate shill for the online dating industry. I don’t think your negative experience in online dating is silly.

I’m just a dating coach who specializes in helping women meet, connect with, and understand men.

But all the dating advice in the world is useless if you’re not actually dating regularly!

If you’ve resisted online dating because of your preconceived notions about how it is, I assure you, it’s because you’ve never tried it my way.

I usually don’t plug products here, but please, do yourself a favor and check out my audio series, Finding the One Online. It’s literally EVERYTHING I know about online dating, with a 180 page transcript, a 35 page workbook and 7 hours of coaching with the same exact information that my private clients get on the phone.

Most importantly, it will forever change the way you connect with men online.

I look forward to hearing your success stories.

Join our conversation (178 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 21
    BK

    I’m going to have to disagree with Match.com being a good way to meet people.   I signed up for a 3 month subscription a few months ago and only had  3 guys iniate contact with me.   Of those 3 none of them resulted in an actual date, and I responded to everyone who contacted me.     Aren’t women supposed to have more responses then they know what to do with?   I had friends review my profile text and photos, so I don’t think it had anything to do with my profile.   I’ve also been told by both male and female friends that I’m very pretty, so I don’t think it’s the way I look.  I’m 5’7, weigh 135, and had full length  photos up where you could tell my body type.   I  had   I sent out about 3-4 e-mails a day during my subscription to guys I might be interested in got no response to the contacts I iniated.   I live in a major city, so maybe there’s just too many options and guys get lost in the kid in the candy store mentality?   Maybe the people I contacted weren’t actual paying members, so they couldn’t respond?   I’m not opposed to on-line dating as a medium, but I found this particular site to be a big waste of time, money and energy.   Anyone else have similar experiences, or advice on how I could improve my experience?

    1. 21.1
      Not Jerry

      BK, the reason you didn’t get response on match.com might be because only 6.9% of the people you see and can email are actual current subscribers.

      There is a 93% chance that you are emailing non subscribers, who cannot respond.

      They don’t make it possible for you to tell who is a subscriber and they don’t do anything to stop you from emailing non-subscribers, so it can certainly be disheartening.

    2. 21.2
      Lisa

      I had the opposite experience and was bombarded to the point that I could not keep up with the emails.   I posted further down.   I also live in a major city.   I was 36 am 37 now 5’1 115 long blond hair I have big boobs 34 DD I mean I gotta be honest people tell me I’m attractive but I’m no super model.   Obviously I’m single 🙂   I do have an advanced degree and a very good job. Never married no kids.   I think what happens is all the guys email a small percentage of the women in their age range and they get angry and bitter because that small percentage of women are not emailing them back.   There was actually a study that came out about this a few months ago.    Most of the men emailing never read my profile and fell way outside my criteria.    I was not being rude I just could not get through the emails.   I don’t think it works for a lot of people for this reason.   Did not work for me.   If this was happening to me what was happening to the younger women?   Men suddenly get on here and just email the best looking women there are suddenly thinking that online they can get whomever they want.   I’m sorry this is mean. But I think this may explain why a small percentage of women still get a majority of the emails while some really great looking women who get tons of attention in person in real life get ignored online.   A mans internet persona is totally different than real life.    They sudden shoot for the stars and get disheartening when no one responds meanwhile lots of great women are being ignored.

    3. 21.3
      Goldilocks

      I am having the same problem as you, BK.   Like the people here have made lots of comments about men just want to get laid. It is very true but there other men asked me if I am foreign which I am not. They thought I am in Russia or Nigeria behind the fake member’s account.   It is a pity.    I will keep trying and if I need a break from Match.com then I will take break from the online soon as my subscription ends. Then resume back on Match.com. One of my former co-workers told me she met her boyfriend on Match.com and they dated for two years and they are happily married. We have to keep on trying and get involve in Stir Events as often as we can. Good luck to us.

  2. 22
    ashley

    #22 BK,
    I had an apposite experience on match ,,, but I guess if you are an attractive women with good quality pictures, maybe it’s what you’ve written in your profile. Honestly, mine doesnt have much information ; I was lazy to answer all the questions , wanted to go back and complete it but got enough emails from men so that ” dull ” profile of mine worked pretty well. maybe you should’nt reveal too much information in your profile, also have no preference for anything; height, income, religion. where I live now, most men are ultra religious conservative. Im a liberal spiritual person , but left the option open and met lots of nice men. other than that , it’s just their loss !

  3. 23
    Lipstick and Playdates

    Marc, I read your blog religiously and often think you’re advice is often right on. You have amazing insights on men and women.   However, in regards to your last post I have to say:   is this REALLY your best advice?   I would hope someone on your level could offer suggestions of actual places outside the online arena women could meet men.   Surely you must know a few.   Reading this post, one has to wonder how much Match paid you for that nice little plug.

    1. 23.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Lipstick:

      1. My name is Evan, not Marc. Seriously, just read the header.
      2. This is really my best advice. I think it would be foolish to keep better advice to myself and not share it with my loyal readers.
      3. Someone on my level has the responsibility to tell you that the right answer to “where are the places to meet quality men” doesn’t involve me researching every bar, club, salsa class, and Meetup in America. If YOU think that you’ve got a better answer to where to meet men, then, by all means, let me and all our other readers know. Chuckles in Cincinnati? The Royalton in New York? Mr. Chalmers Spanish class for the over 50 set in Boca? Do you see how ridiculous this question is? And you know where all the people who go to Chuckles, the Royalton and Mr. Chalmers class are ALSO hanging out? Match.com
      4. Yeah, I’m on the take from Match.com. Be sure and let Match.com know because my checks haven’t been arriving.

      1. 23.1.1
        Kay

        Bahaha! It’s clearly stated that your name is Evan! I have been considering Match.com but have read mixed reviews about the site. Most of the information that was negative, had more to do with their shady cancelation and credit card charging more than the dating aspect. With that said, I thank you for your insight and appreciate what you wrote because it opened up a platform for people to talk about their actual experiences on Match and other sites. I am 22 and have been excited to meet new people and start another relationship since my boyfriend and I of 2 years broke up about 1 year ago. By the time we broke up, he had just turned 30. We thought we were going to get married at some point, but then he quit his 6 figure job to pursue comedy (don’t ask!). I supported him (financially and emotionally) for about another year, until the financial burden(he had to move from San Francisco to Oakland) and his obsession with pursuing comedy(the only way we could spend time together was if I went to all his shows, otherwise I would never see him.I had to go to work and school in the morning and comedy is a late night career.) eventually  ruined us.  
        After that I carried on with my life and dated lots of new men, some my age, some much older, and eventually grew tired of dating and stopped doing it. In the recent months, I’ve been wanting get to get back in the game , but want serious relationship minded men. I thought Match.com might be a good choice, but sounds like OKC or PoF might be better to start. Thanks everyone for sharing!

      2. 23.1.2
        Elaine

        Evan

        Match? At 67, I’m finding most sites hopeless!

  4. 24
    Goldie

    @ Soul Sister – I tried going out with average guys… it’s not working. It’s not as much the IQ in itself as the man’s intellectual curiosity, open mind, being able and willing to learn new things etc. (I’ve met people who had all those things and didn’t even have a college degree.) By trial and error, I found out that I can compromise on just about everything except that. (and obvious things like integrity, nice personality, not being a serial killer etc) I’ve dated men who said, on a date or in their profile, things like “I ain’t much of a reader”… and the date always turned out being a snoozefest. I just feel that I’m better off alone than with someone boring. Some of these men are actually very smart and have good careers. They’re just not intellectuals. They have no problem leaving their brain behind when they walk out of the office at the end of the day.
      
    For a lot of men and women, it is not a priority. Tons of people want a relationship where they can just come home to each other, have dinner together, watch some reruns on TV, not talk much because they’re unwinding from work, go to bed, maybe have some sex, rinse, repeat… There’s nothing wrong with that. It just won’t work for me.
      
    It probably depends on location. I’m in the Midwest. Lawns are a big part of our lives, LOL
      
    Another thing I noticed is that, a man who’s not interested in growing intellectually, is also not interested in dating an immigrant such as myself. I scare an average Joe half to death with my accent and the fact that I didn’t grow up in the area. I’m like a different species to him. He’s, of course, curious, but at the end of the day, he wants to date me like he would want to date a dog. So, works both ways… I’m not interested in him, he’s not interested in me. win-win
      
      

    1. 24.1
      Kay

      Sounds like Mensa needs to start a dating program.  
      #geniusproblems

      But seriously and kindly, might I suggest that your results might have a lot to do with your attitude towards “average” people? I don’t deny that some people are absolute idiots sometimes, but   not everyone who doesn’t read “Physics of the Future” for fun is a dud. I don’t like to read books but still love learning. I like to read articles online and ask questions about random things like , space and the human brain.   I hope you find someone who you provides the level of intellectual stimulation. You seek.  

      1. 24.1.1
        Kay

        Excuse my typos, I’m doing this on my phone =)

  5. 25
    Teresa

    BK

    I  had a  similar experience on match,   If you are a women over 50 you just not going to get much action.   Unless you like em a lot younger or a lot older.      Men in their 50 generally don’t date women in their 50’s they usually wnat em 10-12 years younger.    Save your money and use the free sites like plentyoffish and Ok Cupid  if you  don’t get any messages at least it doesn’t cost you anything.      

    1. 25.1
      Beka

      Teresa #25

      I am 40 and was on match for over more than a year. I didn’t have any good quality contacts from men neither any dates. I am sure that it  wasn’t my pictures or profile any issue.  Reading this post confirms what it is clear,  is a general issue with match.com. Maybe as someone said previously, maybe the one you are insterested are not a paid member or just fake profiles!!.What a waste of time and money, I am very dissapointed of match.com but Zooks and OKC are working better for me. No more match.com at ALL. Yes to online dating.

      1. 25.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        Theresa & Beka – I met my match on match.com.   All I   mostly met on OKC & POF were guys who just wanted a booty call.   And some fake profilers whose picture showed up on romance scam websites.   (Google searching by image can help to weed out some of the scammers) Also, met many men on those sites who lied about, age, height, lifestyle and job.    I had two “almost relationships” on Match before meeting the great guy I am with now.   The other two “almosters” had many great qualities, and while we progressed past a handful of dates,   we weren’t quite a match.   My experience on OKC & POF is that they expected sex on date 2, and bailed when that didn’t happen.   (and no, I wasn’t a sourpuss about turning them down, I set the boundary without accusing them of being perverts)   I must admit, I had some dry spells on Match, and it did take me quite a while to find my guy, but I met the MOST quality, relationship oriented men from Match.com.   Some guys were good guys,   but just not a match for me.   I only met ONE guy on POF that I would consider a good guy, but just not for me.

         

        I am not trying to invalidate YOUR experience, just sharing my experience, as YMMV.

         

        BTW, I am 60, my BF is 68.   And we are crazy about each other !   So glad that I went back to match after almost throwing in the towel !

         

  6. 26
    BK

    Teresa, I’m 28 so I don’t think age was the issue.   The only thing I can think of is that for men in their mid 20’s and early 30’s there were too many options on that site and they only replied to their top picks, or very few of them were actual paying members so they couldn’t reply. I am going to try the free sites though, so at least if I don’t get a response there, it would be less frustrating.

  7. 27
    Teresa

    Sorry BK  meant to reply to someone else  posted  on the wrong thread.

      

  8. 28
    Goldie

    @ Soul Sister #19, wanted to add in response to this:
      
    Possibly consider that you are using a man’s intellectual level as a deal breaker sort of like some women are using a man’s yearly income as a filter and they may be missing some really great options because of it.
      
    I agree with you that, if I were experiencing a shortage of options, I’d think about what I can change in the way I do things. Which was one of the reasons why I started asking around for advice when things weren’t working well for me on Match, and was advised to switch sites. From there on out, it was like being back in college (in a good way, lol) My last month on OKC, I spent fretting and losing my sleep because I was seeing two people that were both very interested in me, and were both such awesome matches for me that I didn’t know which one to choose! I know, it’s an awful problem to have! LOL Apparently, guys are more intelligent than what we give them credit for 🙂

  9. 29
    Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach for Women Over 40

    Evan – I want to commend you for this post! Shaking women up is exactly what is needed! So many have tried unsuccessfully, so they think the web stinks. But did they have your advice or mine on how to do this well? No.   They rely only on themselves and think their bad experiences prove this won’t work.
    When I was single I was the same way. But at 40 I was still single and had to get serious. I decided to look at myself to see how I might be contributing to my singleness. and that is where the answers were. I started working on myself and getting out to meet men in all the old ways I had tried before and hated.
    But, I did attended these events with a completely new attitude! I was friendly. I went alone to meet and mingle. I talked to all kinds of men, not just my type. I dated 30 men in 15 months to meet the man who is now my husband of 11 years.
    Hurray for this post Evan about online dating and shaking up preconceived notions. That is the fundamental key to finding the love women want. I sure hope you impacted a few to rethink how they are going about their search.

  10. 30
    Chris

    Have to agree with most folks here. I’ve been on both POF and Match.com.   No matter how many times I stress in my match profile the age group and location that I’m looking for, I inadvertently get the older gentlemen who are so totally not my type, or live 2-3 STATES away expressing interest. At least on that site, they have the “Thanks but no thanks” email pre-written for you to send.

    On POF in the beginning, I too, met quite a few players or men only interested in FWB.   At the initial stage of my going there, that’s all I was looking for, or thought I was.

    I then met the guy I’ve been seeing for a few months and am extremely happy. He, too, was about to give up on dating, having met 5 women before me too neurotic to deal with.   Although we don’t get to see each other all of the time, we still text/talk on an almost daily basis.

    I think it just really comes down to your own personal choice, and how you present yourself.   I still think there is someone for everybody out there, but as Evan has quoted, you have to kiss a lot of princes before you find your frog! Good luck everyone!  

  11. 31
    Soul Sister

    Still Looking # 20 – the guy’s pictures looked like a player because in almost every picture he had his shirt off (turns out he is just  a beach nut and most pics were from the beach), he wears a large cross (Latino guy, but his cross is for real, he says grace before every meal!), and a few pictures had several girls in them….so I was judging the book by the cover, and he is the exact opposite of a player, although he is very masculine, which I like.   He had no idea his pictures were sending off a “player” vibe….he was trying to project “fun”.  

    Goldie #25 – everyone has their tastes in the opposite sex, but again, I am an intellectual, a business woman, and very successful…I still do not believe I was meeting a bunch of dullards on match.   Actually, a few super smart men ended up being the most boring dates of all.   It is not my intent to challenge you so I hope you take this feedback positively, but your posts are coming off a bit judgemental and snobbish in the brain department, which can be self limiting.  I wouldn’t date a guy who says he “ain’t much of a reader”, those are the ones you just pass on.   If you check for spelling, content, and thoughtfulness, and look at his profession,  chances are you are going to have a date with someone who is at least average, most likely above.   This is like saying you only date men with blonde hair and blue eyes….yes, you can find them, but your pool just got much smaller.   BTW, my beach loving Latino has a Masters from an Ivy League  university and I never would have learned that if I didn’t go out with him several times.   And by then I didn’t care, because we are way too busy having fun (and some very stimulating intellectual discussion thrown in there for good measure).  

    Once I threw out my checklist of must haves, I got exactly what I didn’t know I even wanted…yay for me 🙂

  12. 32
    Goldie

    @ Soul Sister – it depends a lot on the location. I remember from your old posts that you’re in the Southwest? (Phoenix? SoCal?) Well, I’m not. It is a huge huge difference. I cannot relocate at this point, because I have one kid in a good school system (been in same district since kindergarten, only 2.5 years to go) and another in college on in-state tuition. With the one in college, one of the merit scholarships he receives, is targeted specifically at state residents. So, at least for a few years, I’ve got to stay put.
      
    “I wouldn’t date a guy who says he “ain’t much of a reader”, those are the ones you just pass on.”
      
    Well this was pretty much everyone I found on Match… in my area. I have no doubt that the selection will be different in large metro areas on either coast.
      
    At some point I seriously wanted to make a list of all answers I’ve seen on Match under “last thing you’ve read”. It was a wide range of responses, from “um I’m not into that stuff lol” to “local paper”. Would’ve been a funny read, too bad I never got around to compiling it! BTW the guy I finally fell for on Match, said “a Stephen King book” and that just blew me off my feet, because, compared to others I’d seen on there, the man was so.well.read. LOL
      
    “your posts are coming off a bit judgemental and snobbish in the brain department”
      
    Yes, this is my limitation and I know it. I make up for it by compromising a great deal on looks, income, family situation, distance, personality type etc etc. and on education too, actually. I’ve dated highly intelligent men with no or incomplete college education. Like you, right now I’m exclusive with a guy that, at first, I didn’t even fathom going out with, because a lot of the external things didn’t match. But… he is incredibly smart, funny, and positive. Turns out, that’s all I need.
      
    Apologize if I came off as offensive. This is the one area where I cannot back down. I know because I’ve tried. Pretty sure everyone has their own area like that.
      
    I’ve read on here that up to three must haves is fine 😉
      
    “yes, you can find them, but your pool just got much smaller.”
      
    But what do I care if it’s still a good sized pool? Do I really need to go on dates with seven different men a week?
      
      
      

  13. 33
    Nicole

    @Soul Sister, if you’ve read Goldie’s other posts, I would hardly call her snobbish, and even in this thread, she just says that intellect is a must have for her, but she’s hardly alone in having one powerful dealbreaker while compromising in other areas.   

    It is just interesting to me how quick we are to tell other people that their standards are wrong while maintaining that our own ways of discriminating against people are just fine.   Everyone seems to do this and always has an explanation of why they can do it but you cannot.

    You are kind of comparing apples and oranges, b/c you saw a guy who looked like a “player” but still sounds like an educated professional.   But he wasn’t a player.   You aren’t dating against type when the assumptions you made about this man based on PICTURES ONLY were wrong.   What exactly does this guy lack that was on your list?   It sounds like you just ASSUMED that he lacked what you wanted.   Goldie is talking about men that she meets who are still lacking in real life.   

    If Goldie gets emails from people who cannot spell and have bad grammar in addition to having pictures that indicate that all of their hobbies involve jet skis, beer, and monster trucks, it is not a stretch for her to assume that they lack her one must have, intellect.   She’s not likely to find a Ivy educated man who cannot spell or write properly.   
    I think that what doesn’t work is for people to have a list of 100 things that are less important and more rare (he must be tall, he must be rich, he must have a 150 I.Q.)etc) than having a good character.   There is a HUGE gap between someone who could qualify for Mensa and what it sounds like she is describing, and I’d guess that she could split the difference for someone who is somewhat intellectual and well-read.   But a “Broseph” is not going to cut it…I don’t know where she lives but she sounds like she’s describing the older version of what I call “fratty boys.”  

    But even in the advice to “compromise” that doesn’t mean throwing out your playbook, just softening your rules and yes, dumping that ones that make no sense at all.   So I think that I’ve read that Goldie is a tall lady, and she for example happily dates men who are shorter, and she sounds like she HAS in fact tried dating down the intellectual “ladder” to no avail.   How is she stuck-up?

    Sorry for trying to speak for you Goldie but I didn’t think the assessment of you was fair, plus as I said, I hate how people condemn other people’s must haves when they unapologetically have their own.   
      

  14. 34
    Soul Sister

    @ Nicole, I am not comparing apples to oranges, I mentioned why I thought the guy was a player and it turned out he wasn’t in response to Still Looking, #20 because she asked why I thought that.   The comments about the current bf from match had nothing to do with my comments to Goldie.   I only mentioned him at the end of my comment to her because from his profile you would not have gotten “super smart, Ivy League educated”.   His profile did not indicate it either way.   I just took a chance, like I have dozens of other times with match, and this one worked out well for me.

    I am not judging or condeming Goldie, she can like what she likes.   I was more defending match as an option to find men.   If I said I am so good looking, and all the men on match just aren’t good looking enough, that would be as black and white as saying I am so intelligent and all the men on match aren’t intelligent enough for me.   And unless Goldie lives in the mountains somewhere in a tiny little town, I just cannot believe that all the men she is meeting on match are dumb.   If ALL she is getting is emails from people who can’t spell, then that is an exception to most people’s experiences.

    Goldie, you aren’t the least bit offensive to me.   I am not telling you to lower your standards on anything. But a woman who says I am a 10 in  “X” and therefore only another 10 is good enough for me will be hurting only one person…herself.  

    For a lot of men and women, it is not a priority. Tons of people want a relationship where they can just come home to each other, have dinner together, watch some reruns on TV, not talk much because they’re unwinding from work, go to bed, maybe have some sex, rinse, repeat… There’s nothing wrong with that. It just won’t work for me

    The super intelligent do not have the corner on having great, exciting, productive, worthwhile  lives and everyone else is just merely passing time and dulling their brains.   I am just challenging Goldie that to think you are smarter than everyone else is no different than thinking you are better looking than everyone else.   Again, I am not saying to go out with dummies, but rather to consider what EMK calls the 7 vs. the 10.   And if someone comes across as thinking they are better looking or smarter or have a better body than everyone else, it could be very self limiting (and others do pick up on it).

    Finally Nicole, I was not condeming Goldie about anything.   I was challenging her beliefs.   That  should be  a good thing.   Your post kind of inferred a lot from what I was trying to say that just wasn’t true.   Personally I think  it kind of sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder to get that defensive.

    EMK, match CAN be a great place to meet people, it all depends on how you want to use the venue to your advantage. And it is a hell of a lot better than sitting at home complaining about how there are no good guys left in the world.  

  15. 35
    Trouble

    Met my fiance on match.com, so I can only say it worked well for me.   Interestingly enough, in my office alone, I know 8 people who met their significant others online and married them.   Especially in my southern town, there is typically a more educated class of people online than what you’re going to meet in the bar scene.  

  16. 36
    Heather

    I agree about the comments about Match having a lot of “players.”   I cancelled my subscription after dating a number of men who seemed to consider playing mind games with women, their favorite pastime, and having a situation where I was almost assaulted because I would not “put out” on the first date.   I figure I don’t need to pay that much money, to have my head messed with, thank you.

    I do POF, and mostly I have met some nice guys.   Had nice dates, even met one guy who was UP FRONT about not wanting a serious relationship.   WOW!!!   I was very impressed by his honesty, because I saw no honesty or honor on Match.com.

  17. 37
    Goldie

    @ Nicole, thank you for your comment, I was touched 🙂
      
    @ Soul Sister,
      
    “…I am just challenging Goldie that to think you are smarter than everyone else…”
      
    Where do you read this stuff? I didn’t post it. Where are you getting this from?
      
    “But a woman who says I am a 10 in  ”X” and therefore only another 10 is good enough for me will be hurting only one person…herself. “
      
    Again, where did I say I’m a 10 in “X”? Give me a comment number and a quote. But more importantly, how exactly am I hurting myself? Right now I’m seeing a great guy and there are a few more, who are good friends, ready and willing to take his place if need be. What do you want me to do? Dump the man I’m seeing and go back on match to see if I can find someone like him? What for? What, does he not count because he didn’t come from the right site? Is it like buying a dog, when you must only get your puppy from a reputable breeder? I don’t get it.
      
    Only reason why I posted that comment is, I’ve talked to several more people (men and women) who also had problems on Match, and they think that, because it is such a large mainstream site, that the problem is with them, and give up on online dating altogether. I was just trying to be helpful! I was not asking for help at this time – I don’t need any, right now. When I do, I’ll say so.
      
    You also appear to be confusing the “super intelligent” with the, for lack of a better word, intellectually alive. These are not the same thing. Some of the most interesting people I’ve ever met are not in the top 2% of the population, and the opposite is also true, some of the most boring people I’ve met are highly intelligent, with good education and good careers. Sorry to repeat myself, but you didn’t seem to notice this when I wrote it in my several previous comments.
      
    ” I was challenging her beliefs. “
      
    I’m confused. If I tried something several times, and it repeatedly did not work, how is that a belief when I conclude that it does not work for me? Why would I keep trying? Isn’t that the famous definition of insanity, doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results?
      
    “And it is a hell of a lot better than sitting at home complaining about how there are no good guys left in the world. “
      
    What, did I post that one too? For crying out loud. Ever since I started dating, my teenage kids have been telling me that they hardly see me anymore (which I’ve been feeling pretty bad about), and now all of a sudden I’m sitting at home complaining? You know, I really liked your posts on the other thread about sex and dating, but this is all strawman stuff. I never said any of these things that you keep telling me I did. So I cannot really waste any of my time arguing about them. Sorry.

  18. 38
    Lysa

    I’m in complete agreement with Goldie and Nicole.

    Soul Sister appears to be one of those people who blindly tell women to lower their standards, even when those standards are perfectly reasonable.

    If Goldie wants someone she can engage with intellectually, who are we to tell her she’s stuck-up? Especially when she has already tried dating men with low intellect in the past?

    I constantly face criticism when I say that I am looking for a man who is honest, respectful, hardworking and with family values. People tell me I’m stuck up, demanding and will be single all my life because I’m looking for the perfect man!

    On the other hand, school friends who have been impregnated by deadbeats who skip out of them are labelled irresponsible, and slutty.

    One guy I went on a first date with admitted that he had lied on his profile about having a job, was just about to be kicked out of the apartment he shared with six other people, and was looking for a woman to support his professional studies. In exchange, he would help her with her dream to have children!

    We went to Starbucks but he didn’t offer me a drink, but instead drank from a bottle he kept in his gym bag. He also told me he was also seeing a business woman with an expense account, who paid for everything. I just nodded politely and tried to make a graceful exit.

    When he called a few days later for a second date, and I turned him down, he also called me stuck up, and said I was searching for the perfect man.

    I’m beginning to find it abusive when women are being criticised for having reasonable standards. Is this the new face of misogyny?

    1. 38.1
      Lau_ra

      Preach, sistah!
      So I just had this type of discussion at one party on the weekend. Single guys were almost hurt to hear that it matters to me if a guy is passioned about life and new experiences, if he is relationship-minded, if I find him attractive. They also said I’m gonna stay single forever, cause I’m looking for a perfect man, as if men, who are interested in something more than just a fling, that have life besides work and that I find quite handsome (not that they are models, but at least the thought of them kissing me doesn’t make me cringe) don’t exist. Whatever “standart” you wish for (which is not the right word in essence, as I am willing to overlook the list of those “wishes”, if a guy is interesting enough, except maybe intellectual compatibility) is eventually seen as “too high” by default, just cause you’re not 20 anymore and the fish-pool is much smaller. Those same guys looked somewhat confused though when I asked them to think if their “wishlist” is any different from mine. But guess what – they don’t think they should be called picky for wanting women that want a relationship, that they find attractive and that have life besides the dating.

  19. 39
    Goldie

    Wanted to add, it’s not even a matter of low or high intellect (though there’s probably a cutoff level somewhere). It’s more of a matter of not being interested in anything. I’ve seen the most intelligent men fall into that trap. Somewhere down the road they get this idea that mature people should just relax and take it easy, and that all this reading, trying new things etc. is for college kids. As one guy put it in an email to me, “that’s all date stuff”. There’s nothing wrong with it whatsoever, my ex for example loves this kind of life, and he is by all means highly intelligent – we met in college… one of the top schools in our home country… and he was getting excellent grades without even trying. It’s just that, for me, this lifestyle bores me to death.  
      
    Where I live (Midwest), on dating sites, tons of people list grilling and watching sports as their only interests. And I don’t mean some fringey morons who can’t spell, I mean white-collar professionals, executive types. I get it that they want to come home from work, turn their brain off and take it easy. It’s just not the kind of life I’m looking for.
      
    I brought up OKC because there, at least, people expect you to answer about a hundred questions and fill out a good-sized profile that is a more or less interesting read. A guy that’s looking for a woman to grill and watch sports with, isn’t going to put in that kind of effort. He’ll go on Match where he doesn’t have to do all that work. Again, nothing wrong with him. Heck, he is the normal one. I am the weird one. I’m looking for weird people like myself. Normal people aren’t going to have a good time with me anyway.
      
    Only reason why I mentioned Mensa in my earliest comment here, (probably shouldn’t have) is to point out that OKC comes highly recommended by a reputable source. On second thought, I probably should’ve piled it on higher and added that the friend who recommended it to me, is also a college professor… true story. I admit I typed that comment in a hurry, as I had to leave home ASAP, to meet up with the guy I’m seeing. I’ll pay more attention to how I word my comments next time, so they cannot be misread. Once again, no I do not have a minimal IQ requirement for guys, that would be ridiculous. I do expect them to have a mindset similar to mine, but doesn’t everybody?
      
      

  20. 40
    Ruby

    Yes, I agree with Goldie, Nicole, and Lysa. Goldie’s involved with someone, she’s not sitting around bemoaning her fate. When it comes to dating an intelligent, intellectually curious partner, that’s one of my must-haves, too. I’ve tried the other way, and it hasn’t worked for me, either. It would be much easier for me to date someone very intelligent, but with average looks, than the other way around, and I make no apologies for that.  

    I live in a large midwestern city, and I have met intelligent men in my area – or in other neighboring large cities – on Match, but it often seems that if I venture out into more remote places, the dating pool, for what I’m looking for, is not compatible. Why try to force something that isn’t right?

    For me, probably the worst dating site I tried was eharmony, and for exactly the reasons Goldie mentioned. The quiz they are so famous for seemed useless. I met only one person in 3 months. I will say that when people are trying to date seriously, they are actually pickier, and perhaps that was the case with eharmony. For me, though, the pickings were slim. I also had a lot of fun on OKCupid, but didn’t find many who were serious about a relationship there.

    I think the quality of all the sites is cyclical. Sometimes a lot of people seem to gravitate towards one site, and then another ones becomes more popular. So it’s worth giving everything a try, because it’s really all just a crapshoot anyway. You never know who’s going to be on any given site at any time.

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