The Single Best Place to Meet Quality Guys

The Single Best Place to Meet Quality Guys
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This morning, I took a peek at the questions coming into my blog. There I found eight questions all saying the same thing:

“Where is the best place to meet a quality, relationship-oriented man? I’m really open to everything you say, Evan, but I never meet any good men!”

I hear ya.

It’s certainly frustrating to want to prioritize your love life, but not have the opportunity to meet any new men on a day-to-day basis.

This lack of opportunity, above all, is the main reason that you’re not in love now.

It’s not because you’re terrible with men.

It’s not because you have nothing to offer.

The reason you’re single is simply that you haven’t met the right guy — and yet you have no idea where he’s coming along.

I’ve only got one word for you, my friend.

Match.com

Before you tune out or run away screaming, hear me out.

Because this isn’t just my opinion. This is fact.

As opinionated as I am, I’m always open to the possibility of being proven wrong.

I hope you are, too.

Did you hear that? That’s the sound of your preconceived notions being shattered.

Because studies show that facts don’t actually matter when you have a deeply held opinion.

That’s right.

If I told you that 2 + 2 = 4, but you believe that 2 + 2 = 5, no amount of evidence can make you change your mind. In fact, any evidence that I provide that contradicts you is only going to make you believe in your original premise more.

Fascinating, isn’t it?

Yes, you’re hardwired to be stubborn and, as such, you can easily fall victim to “the confirmation bias”, which seeks out information which only reaffirms what you already believe (biting my tongue on the obvious Fox News joke…)

So, if you have dated online and discovered the following:

– Men sometimes lie.
– Men often flake out.
– Men are poor at marketing themselves.
– Men are stupid, sexual and visual.
– The wrong men write to you. The right men don’t.

I wouldn’t be able to argue with any of this.

And if you concluded that, because of those observations, you weren’t inclined to try online dating again, you’d have plenty of evidence to support yourself.

But, in writing off online dating you’d be making a massive mistake. Here’s why:

In the past three years, 17% of all married couples met through online dating.

This is more than TWICE the number of couples who met through bars, clubs, and other social events.

Did you hear that?

That’s the sound of your preconceived notions being shattered.

Don’t fight it.

Now, to be fair, 38% of marriages came from work and school. And 27% came through a friend or family member.

So clearly that must mean that those are “better” ways of meeting…

Not so fast.

How many people have a job or go to school? About 100%

How many people have friends and family? About 100%

How many people are paying for online dating sites at a given time? Maybe 5%.

What this illustrates is that, proportionally, 5% of the population (online daters) accounts for 17% of the marriages in the past 3 years.

Which goes to show that the people who are dating online are finding love at a significantly higher rate than people who rely on workplace romance or set-ups.

“So what?!” you might say to yourself, still unconvinced. “I dated online and HATED it! That should mean something!”

Irking women is my job. Anything to get you outside your comfort zone, to get you to see the world through a different, more empowering lens.

Yes. Yes it does. It means you have a deep-seated bias against online dating, so that anything I say which contradicts you is just going to irk you more.

Irking women is my job. Anything to get you outside your comfort zone, to get you to see the world through a different, more empowering lens.

So let’s keep on going with your other misconceptions about online dating:

You dated online for 3 months and didn’t find love? Makes sense. You’ve been in love 3 times in 40 years — why would you think you should it in 90 days on JDate?

You’ve noticed that men tend to disappear in the middle of emailing? Consider: have YOU ever disappeared in the middle of emailing a man because you found other men you liked better? I thought so.

You think that men misrepresent their height or age? Yep. And so do women. Maybe even you. It’s not because you have no integrity or are a congenital liar. It’s because men and women both discriminate based on looks and age, and you merely want to be given an opportunity to meet.

You don’t want to pay so much for a service that yields no results? Go out for one night of drinks and appetizers with your girlfriends. You just spent more than an entire month on Match.com and you didn’t meet any guys either.

You think that 90% of men online are “wrong” for you. You’re right. But so are 90% of men in bars, on buses, or in Starbucks. If you have high standards, MOST men are not going to be to your liking.

So if 90% of all men aren’t even first-date worthy, where is the place where you have access to the greatest number of men?

You got it: Match.com.

Listen, I’m no Pollyanna. I’m not a corporate shill for the online dating industry. I don’t think your negative experience in online dating is silly.

I’m just a dating coach who specializes in helping women meet, connect with, and understand men.

But all the dating advice in the world is useless if you’re not actually dating regularly!

If you’ve resisted online dating because of your preconceived notions about how it is, I assure you, it’s because you’ve never tried it my way.

I usually don’t plug products here, but please, do yourself a favor and check out my audio series, Finding the One Online. It’s literally EVERYTHING I know about online dating, with a 180 page transcript, a 35 page workbook and 7 hours of coaching with the same exact information that my private clients get on the phone.

Most importantly, it will forever change the way you connect with men online.

I look forward to hearing your success stories.

Join our conversation (178 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 41
    MilkyMae

    I saw an advertisement for match.com that claimed match produces 2 million dates a year.   It sounds good(if its true) but there are 20+ million unique visits to the website every month.   I think these numbers point out one of the drawbacks of online dating and that it is magnet for passive people.   Passive adults are not great prospects for those seeking a relationship.   IMO, if you want to have success online you need to force yourself into the subset of people who are online for a purpose and who can handle online dating.

  2. 42
    Nicole

    @Soul Sister…I’m not sure how defending Goldie against your characterization of her means that I have a chip on my shoulder.

    Unless the chip to which you refer is that I too list intellect, and actually I’d point to Goldie’s example of being interested and passionate about something to be a better description of what I prefer as well.

    There are people who aren’t necessarily interested in the same things as me, but I’ve found that I enjoy interacting with men who have some kind of passion that they like the share and educate me about.   It’s actually a plus if it’s something that I don’t know about, and I’ve learned to do things that I couldn’t do before b/c of those interactions.

    I also would guess that Goldie finds, as have I, that those people are better understand/appreciate why you are passionate about certain things, and will accompany you on those activities.

    People who aren’t interested in things for themselves probably can’t enjoy partaking in your hobbies either.

    Also, infer means to reach a conclusion based on what isn’t actually there (as in ASSUME).   I used specific examples from your comment in my response, so I didn’t INFER anything.     

  3. 43
    PGL

    I am following all of Evan’s advice. I have read WHD & FTOO. I used his online profile service and I’m on Match for 6 mos. So far this first month has been a trickle. Mostly from men not in my criteria which is mostly age based. (I will never be attracted to much older men.) The only responses I have gotten from the dozens of emails I have sent out included a guy telling me he was quitting Match because he was not ready to date in LA and the other never wrote back after the 1st email.
      
    So after reading all the positive comments here, I signed up for OkCupid. And it’s been an experience very different from what everyone else has said. The first email was from a guy 10 years younger who wanted a friends with benefits. One guy told me he wanted to pull my hair. And tonight I got one from a married guy looking to have an affair. Wow…I have never received messages like this from any of my previous times on Match. It has been entertaining.
      
    And no has responded to any of my emails there either. I might not be doing Evan’s email advice correctly. Guess it’s time to review everything again.

    1. 43.1
      Lisa

      Nope not you that’s OKC.   I got all those same emails mixed in with a few decent ones.   Several guys asked me to punch them in the face and the balls too what you are receiving is normal and nothing you did continue to expect it.   Just ignore it and block the guys.    My profile clearly said only a relationship that is monogamous my pictures were not sexy. I got some of that on match too but since OKC is free you just get a lot more of it.   It won’t stop.

  4. 44
    Ladybug

    Thank God   I’m a country girl!  

    I won’t run out of places to meet men and I don’t have to go to bars!     The  hay barns, sale barns, at the best fishing holes, the gun shop, sporting goods, lumber yard, feed store, Coast Guard station, marina, or I can build a huge fire on the beach for the surfers or join others at their fires.   I joined the fire department, I do volunteer work with the veterans organizations, I talk to total strangers wherever I go.

    I was talked into joining online dating sites, I have an awesome profile.  
    ICK!        

    I’m sticking to the nice men I meet in person.     They respect my rules.   We’re all old fashioned and we move slowly.   Since we’re a small isolated community, friendships matter, integrity matters, reputations matter.

    1. 44.1
      Spocksgirl

      I just happened on this site and after reading the article and your post, I have to say your post made the most sense. AND gave me some new ideas on where to meet men!! I tried online dating a number of times. I tried the free ones then the paid ones. During my last venture I decided to really invest, contact at least one man every time I logged on, etc. Just wasn’t a good experience. And let’s face it, some people come across better in person.
      So ladybug, I am going to try the places you mentioned in your post. Best advice I have ever read!
        
      GOOD LUCK

  5. 45
    Dawn

    I’m a mature woman, and I’ve been on Match for a few months, and had just let my subscription lapse when I literally stumbled across this article.   So to your credit, Evan, you have me thinking about giving it another try.

    On the other hand, you asked how many people have a job or are going to school, and put it at 100%.   I think you might be amazed at the number of older gentlemen on these sites who are a) looking for women 10-20 years younger than they are (and that seems also to be the experience of several other ladies who have commented here), and/or b) looking for women to fund their “retirement”/
    unemployment.

    Very discouraging to be a career woman with a couple of grown children and her own assets, and trying just to find someone with whom to share time!

  6. 46
    AileenC

    I was very skeptical of online dating. But then again, in my mid 30s and recently divorced I really don’t have anything to lose but to keep my mind open. I’ve filtered through some weird and fun emails from different kinds of men. Dating is like driving. You have to practice vigilance. I’ve met my boyfriend on Match.com after being on Match for 3 months. I work so much and to this day it still fascinates me how we ended up finding each other ( well he pursued me online, he never came up on my daily matches). Online dating has the potential to work, you just can’t expect too much. Getting a date just gets you at the door. You still have other things that must check out such as personality, humor and compatibility.  

  7. 47
    Lulu

    Seriously?! you are advising women to join match.com!!!!! This site is full of men who can not read at all. The daily matches they send have no reference to what you are actually looking for. I do not lie and have not exaggerate about anything on my profile i do not need to, take me as i am or not at all and yet i get contacted by men way out of my age range, with kids and who smoke, things which i clearly state im not looking for. I do not want to date a grandad thanks. The quality of men on this site is very poor and is about the same as you get on free sites, so why encourage anyone to pay for match.com. People go on line and read the reviews for yourselves 80% of them are less than impressed with this site. Save yourself the stress of clearing out your inbox everyday of usless emails and find a better site. THIS SITE DOSE NOT CONTAIN SINGLE QUALITY GUYS!

  8. 48
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Lulu: “This site is full of men who can not read at all.” “THIS SITE DOSE NOT CONTAIN SINGLE QUALITY GUYS!”

    You are aware of the irony, aren’t you?

  9. 49
    Sophia

    Well Evan being a grammar Nazi does NOT entitle you to put Lulu down or assume she is wrong.  And every single woman here that says match.com is no better than POF is absolutely correct. In fact, POF is probably less boring. Match.com has a much slower profile response and the quality is in no way   better. I actually found it to be much worse. And none of them are worth paying for.   I am actually lucky. I am well educated and have a great job. I am also cultured and well travelled. And have more than above average looks with excellent photos. So I do get some very quality (on paper) men responding to my profile. However, it does not change the facts. And how could you really know unless you did a case study or were a woman yourself having this actual experience?

  10. 50
    Henriette

    @ Sophia – I don’t think Evan was putting down Lulu.   Rather, he was pointing out that she is criticising men on Match.com for not reading when she showed that she, herself, had not re-read her own comment before posting.  
      
    Evan has always made a point of suggesting that we not be harsh in our criticism of men we meet online, especially when we are attacking them for traits that we might in fact ourselves possess.   I believe he is merely underscoring that point in his comment to Lulu.   It is not an assumption that she is wrong but rather a playful reminder that she, too, might not come across as well as she thinks, online, and so to perhaps cut guys a bit of slack.

  11. 51
    Lorena

    Sorry but is very difficult when you don’t make much money to afford to pay for a night out every weekend or so, much less to pay every month for an online dating site. Reality check!

  12. 52
    Azure

    It’s worrying. Something seems to be definitely wrong with the dating scene for women after 50. Really. I may identify partially with the immigrant lady with the strong accent and member of Mensa. Excuse me, but reading you all, makes me feel better. At least I know now for sure that it’s nothing wrong with me in particular; either we are all committing the same mistakes, or (back to my initial statement) something’s definitely wrong with men. They all seem to want just about the same: get laid without complications or commitment, or plastic dolls. I can add some variety: they want a legal status, they think all women at this age are cougars, they want to live out of our money and work like pimps…you have to be very shrewd to identify some of their deepest intentions. Beware of hackers. They have no heart at all!

    1. 52.1
      Vinny

      “They all seem to want just about the same: get laid without complications or commitment…”
      I prefer to call it “making love” and if both parties are getting incredible pleasures (maybe this is the problem) then shouldn’t it be at the top of everyone’s list of must haves?  
      Also, men as you correctly assessed, do not like complications, we’re simple beings because we’re hard-wired that way.
      Appreciate how men are and use it to your advantage!
        

  13. 53
    Wendy

    This is my 2nd bout on Match and I’m really disappointed. I’m 54 and fairly attractive. My membership ends next month, and I can’t wait. I had a Nigerian scammer (I figured that one out quickly), some pip squeak early 40’s guys, LOTS of winks and likes on my pictures and not to be mean but, a lot of guys over 62 (my max is 60), and guys within a couple of years older than me who look like they could be my father or a heart attack waiting to happen. I have a good life, my own home, a decent job and lots of friends. Perhaps I’m not meant to date.

  14. 54
    Yvette

    Match.com is lame! They guys are not worthy!!!

  15. 55
    Treasure

    So how do you find a women who is kind, freely gives if herself because giving of herself BECAUSE she is self confident
    and is not looking just for financial security.  

    I am am looking for a woman where partnership means bring a champion for each other’s lives, helping each other up  
    when we fall, feel loyalty to each other and revel
    in intimacy of all kinds. Getting laid is easy, making love takes
    takes opening your soul and sharing it with someone.  

      

  16. 56
    halehpersian

    I like ok cupid better because i have found decent people but none of them have taken interest in me, i dont know why, i have said hello to them also, instead i have gotten 155 likes from boys that just want sex
    match.com, well i have not found any decent people there, i am 28, i think
    am pretty, but i do not have a degree (maybe that is the reason)
    let me know what you think, my ok cupid name is the same name i wrote above  

  17. 57
    Jenny

    If I ever date in the far away future…..I may search for a dating site that caters to “American women looking for British (or Australian) men.”

  18. 58
    kath

    Although Ive done online dating the last few years I had something traumatic happen this week .    A guy who I had initially given my name and number to , but who I then declined to meet, posted my name and number on Craigs list sex encounters site . I was woken on sunday morning with a barrage of hundreds of calls , texts and text pics of naked men or just their penises.  

    Now I would advise all women to get a google number that hides their true number .

    1. 58.1
      Karl R

      Report him to the online dating site. Report him to Craig’s list.

      Most importantly, depending upon the jurisdiction you live in, you may be able to report him to the police for stalking. That definitely qualifies as “harassing”.  

      1. 58.1.1
        kath

        Thanks Karl Ive talked to the police, a lawyer, and the DA    Craigs list requires a subpena   to track down poster  

        Just want to warn women about divulging their number The bad thing about guys online is that they can be unaccountable for v bad behavior… eg like insulting you if you politely decline .. Ive deleteed my profile.

        What shocks me more than this sociopath, is that hundreds of men were calling me for an encounter . i could have been 500lb man setting them up for an ambush for all they knew  

  19. 59
    Janice

    I have tried finding available men on the “online dating” and they all look like they just walked in off the farm or the oil patch LOL.    Ladies you know what I’m talking about?    Why, as women, are we to look like a brand new penny when these so called available men look absolutely atrocious?   Ball caps, t-shirts, sunglasses?   These men don’t want a relationship their just looking for a “screw” excuse my language.   These men need to look appropriate like   the men who are on “The Bachelorette” if they want a great woman.   Am I wrong?

    These dating sites I have found their only looking for one thing so why are they on there in the first place? It’s a joke.  

    1. 59.1
      Jo

      Spot on – the men on these sites are simply dreadful.           One fellow had a picture of himself kneeling down near a fence, and in the background there was a cow taking a big dump.     LOL – this picture will forever be burned in my mind.       Match.com = cow turd

      1. 59.1.1
        LauraJ

        I’m sorry you had this experience, but I had to admit I laughed out loud. 🙂 Perhaps if we’re all to continue to endure online dating we need a webpage where we can share our stories…

    2. 59.2
      Ally_Kat

      This is EXCELLENT advice!   So sorry that happened to you!

  20. 60
    Jessie

    I’ll disagree from personal experience.   The guys I met were total fraud. The worst date I’ve ever been on was from Match.com and the most disgusting part of it was that I paid for it.   No thanks. I find it easier to join groups like Meetup.com and find real people who like the same things I do.   EHarmony was even worse.   I have to pay to meet a bunch of jerks.

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