Why Age Matters in Online Dating – And Also Why It Doesn’t.

head portrait of unhappy mature lady

I’m a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women.

I’m going to spend the rest of this blog post talking candidly about age.

If you don’t like honesty, don’t keep reading.

The majority of women who read this blog are 25-35. Makes sense. This is the prime dating age for those who are considering marriage and children.

However, 25-35-year-old women are not my most common clients.

That distinction falls into two separate buckets:

Women 35-45 who want to get married.

Women 45-60 who are divorced and starting over.

In fact, I probably have 10X more 50-year-old women than 30-year-old women.

Why is that? Wouldn’t it stand to reason that the 30-year-old who really wants to get it right would hire a dating coach who specializes in helping women find lasting love?

In fact, most 25-35-year-olds are not taking dating very seriously at all. They are busy building their careers, traveling, expanding their brand, doing personal and professional development and either not dating or dating the wrong men. Sure, they’ll Google me in the middle of the night and nod their heads but they rarely invest in coaching because they feel like the supply of men is infinite and they have time.

This is not true.

35-year-old men who want to get married are usually not looking for women 35-45. They want to date for two years, move in, get engaged, plan a wedding, travel, and after a honeymoon period, take the time to start a family and build a few years in between kids. If that’s his plan, women his own age are out and his dating pool willl more likely be 25-34 than 35-45. Check out men’s online search preferences and see for yourself.

Furthermore, I was one of these guys. I met my wife in real life, she was three years older, and I proposed after 16 months to ensure we had a chance at two kids. We were married a month before she turned 39, had two chemical pregnancies, two miscarriages, a fibroid surgery and two kids (when she was 41 and almost 43). In other words, do not try this at home. We got very lucky.

The reason for this long-lead in today is two-fold:

1. It’s to encourage 25-35-year-old women to act NOW instead of being forced to panic and invest in your future happiness when your options are fewer. You never have more dating power than when you’re 25-35. Use it wisely.

You never have more dating power than when you’re 25-35. Use it wisely.

2. It’s to encourage everyone who is not of child-bearing age to consider busting outside your comfort zone – just like I did.

Most people search with arbitrary round numbers:

40-50, 45-55 and so on – as if there’s something magic about ten-year age ranges or five-year increments. There’s not.

Witness this OKCupid study from a few years back. 

Predictably, the dating site reports that:

“Men start 80% of conversations on OkCupid, and they tend to message younger women. The older men get, the younger the women they message (relative to their own age).”


“Women, on the other hand, message and respond most often to men about their own age. Once they reach 35, women actually respond more often to younger guys. But because men are usually the conversation starters, the older-man-younger-woman paradigm prevails.”


“When women make the first move, the age gap dating norm is reversed. A 40-year-old woman will have better luck messaging a 25-year-old man (60%) than a 55-year-old one (36% reply rate).”

This is what I teach my clients. Not to go full-on cougar but to initiate contact with age-appropriate men in a fun, confident fashion.

Whether you’re 40 and want to have a family or 55 and want to get remarried, you have about a 40% chance of getting a reply to your initial email. That’s WITHOUT a professional profile, professional photos, and a kick-ass email technique.

Now that you know you can meet men you want, click here and I’ll show you how.

Join our conversation (79 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 1
    Emily, to

    Still, despite men messaging younger women, they get a better response rate from women around their own age. It doesn’t matter who you message. It only matters who responds.

    1. 1.1

      Totally agree Emily! I’m 37 and i get more replies from women between 33 and 37.

      Hardly get any replies from the 27 to 32 bracket,

      People generally like dating someone around their own age

      1. 1.1.1
        Emily, to

        “People generally like dating someone around their own age”
        Can we get t-shirts made for all this site’s posters that say this … in big, bold, black letters? 🙂

  2. 2

    Ewww sorry Evan, not into younger guys at all. It’s 49-59 for me, though I would consider outside of that if we were highly compatible.

    1. 2.1


      I’m 50 and like you, I never considered dating anyone more than maybe 1-2 years younger than me…that was driven in some part by my having bought into the concept that men don’t date older women unless something is ‘wrong’ with them

      I’m now 2 months into seeing a 43 year old (he approached me) and I couldn’t be happier. He’s a bit of an old soul which may definitely help to even things out, but what I like most about him is his earnest and un-jaded view of relationships and his belief that he will find love again. Doesn’t necessarily follow that it will be with me 😉 but it’s a nice change from my personal experience with 50+ men who are bitter, more than just a bit misogynistic and believe they are hot sh$t I should feel privileged to be with.

  3. 3

    What about women 70 plus who are still active and good looking, still having the same feelings as any women? I could tell you some stories!!!! First of all, the ratio of men to women in that age group is lacking…but that’s not all, lol.

    1. 3.1
      Yet Another Guy


      “but that’s not all, lol.”

      You do know that that is completely correctable today? 🙂

    2. 3.2


      All I can add to what YAG said, is that I’m & 71, and the majority of women I’ve encountered who were 65+, and even more of those women 70+ …well, to say it politely, their libido vanished 5 to 10 years ago. And while YAG is correct that a little blue pill will solve most men’s “can’t get it up blues”, women of similar age often do not appreciate that(Yes, REALLY!). I recall one physician saying that when Viagra first hit the market, he had a flood of 70+ year old men wanting prescriptions for it. His story was that after he had prescribed it for many of those men, about a week later he got a corresponding flood of phone calls from their very angry wives! That would suggest my experience is perhaps more than merely anecdotal, and that among women in that age group, you are likely more the exception than the rule.

      1. 3.2.1
        Yet Another Guy


        Do you believe that the problem these wives experienced may have been due to no longer being aroused by their spouses? The old adage that if one does not use it, one loses it definitely applies to both sexes in this case. A lot of women turn to vibrators and other toys when their bedrooms die. That is as bad as men turning to porn and masturbation. The body can cease to be stimulated by the real thing after a significant period of time with a replacement, especially when considering that sensitively declines with age.

        1. Buck25


          I think that what these women experienced (or didn’t) with a prior spouse is one major component of this. Another part may be physical and emotional after-effects of menopause in women who can’t or choose not to use Hormone Replacement Therapy. Then too, most post-menopausal women, absent the protection of estrogen or HRT, begin to age more rapidly than men the same age, i.e. their aging process begins to catch up with that of men. The result may make at least some feel less attractive and sexy than before. That’s all speculation though; I suspect there are many individual reasons why some 65 + women retain an active libido, while so many others lose interest; like so much about women, that’s something within their minds that we men simply can’t know, other than what they tell us, (if anything).

  4. 4

    Is there a different way to search if not looking to have kids? Would women and men also shift their age range if they don’t want kids?

  5. 5

    Spot on. I’m a 59yr old man. The ones that contact me first are almost always my age or older. I’m interested in younger than as me as we all age differently. The other point is that women’s profiles seem to be taken from harlequin novels. Deep love, swept away on horseback, 40hr a week gym bodies… reality is that the blooms off the rose for both of us.

    1. 5.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      So women are fantasizing but you’re a 59-year-old man who is looking for someone younger and more attractive than you. Got it.

      1. 5.1.1

        Bull crap!!!

      2. 5.1.2
        A Random Guy

        No kidding!

        “reality is that the blooms off the rose for both of us.”

        So he’s going to look for a rose that still has its bloom even though he doesn’t.

        “I’m interested in younger than me as we all age differently.”

        I know a lot of guys like this. This type of aging is called “arrested development”.

  6. 6

    Cmuth; why would you think younger women would be interested in you? You are rich, you have a Mercedes, you are a gorgeous hunk with a six pack? I have found most men lie about anything involving inches, esp. height, and ability and frankly, I want to hear reality. Upon meeting it seems men have often shown 10 year old picture with their bios so harlequin novels fly both ways…just be who you are.

  7. 7

    At first I’m like…. that’s hitting the brick wall. I’m 55. But when I was 30 all we heard is “no way will you get married after 30.” At 40, same thing. But it only takes one.

    I guess the silver lining is: you can up your odds. Get good pics. Eat right. Don’t cheat on doughnuts. And click that link to see how Evan can help. I signed up for a Seattle Singles. They charge to be in the club. There’s 167 men who paid $$$ to belong who fall between 45 and 62, I think she said, in their database and they have outlets in several cities. That’s 167 men who are putting money on the line to get the right gal. That French President loves his 20 year older wife. I’m working on my 3 minute video speech tonight. I film next Saturday I hope. Being proactive is closer to love than reading a Harlequin Romance and noticing belly fat.

    It’s not hopeless if you’re being proactive. You create your own hope.

  8. 8

    Ok I will just be blunt here. I am soon to be 65 and am always told I look 50 or less! I am active, funny and have a raging libido. Told I am pretty with beautiful eyes and smile. I am trendy not frumpy . I raised two sons as a single parent. So of course I listen to Top 40, Reggae, Ska and EDM. I am not a normal 65 yr old woman! I have dated guys who were 27-67. Still the same for me. I like younger guys who aren’t looking for babies or marriage. I did that. I now want to have fun! It is ok to admit this if you are like me! If one day I find the right guy close in age and we get serious, ok. Or if he is younger but the right one, than that is ok too. If I never get married again, I am ok with that too. I am happy with my career and my shihtzus! Nobody can make you happy if you can’t be happy with yourself. And we need to be grateful. For our lives the good and the bad. We always need to try not to hurt others, be honest but be kind and have compassion.

    1. 8.1

      I agree with you Linda 100%. !

  9. 9

    I am clearly mixed up, being in the 45 – 60 group but living like the 25 – 35 group: “They are busy building their careers, traveling, expanding their brand, doing personal and professional development and either not dating or dating the wrong men.” Yikes.

  10. 10

    Good points. Being a 41yo man still hoping to start a family, I have experienced what you describe. I would date closer to my age if children weren’t a goal, but for now looking 27 – 33. I think sharing mutual life goals is more important than age differences.Sadly young women seem to think the supply of men will last. For some it does, but many age out just as bad as men. I appreciate you shedding light on this issue. Good luck everyone.

    1. 10.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Raise you age range and you’ll have a better chance. Says the guy who married a 39 year old and has two kids.

    2. 10.2


      “Sadly young women seem to think the supply of men will last.”

      This coming from the man who waited until the age of 41 to have kids? Forgive me, but isn’t that calling the kettle black?

      Why didn’t you find a wife and have children when you were 27-33? And if you did, why would you assume that women didn’t do the same, and things just didn’t work out?

    3. 10.3

      27 – 33. LOL! Good luck with that. You’re 41. You should be looking for a woman 34 – 38 if you want to have kids. Otherwise, you’re most likely going to spend your 40s chasing young women who think you’re too old and have way better options (because they do), finally figure it out by your late-40s, find a woman in her late-30s (if you’re very lucky!) and be a first-time dad at 50 (or not a dad at all). You might want to rethink your current strategy.

  11. 11

    Conversational prowess. No one mentions this but I have known many single woman of all ages through business and social life. Striking to me is the few who seem to have no trouble finding boyfriends or husbands without possessing stunning looks.
    Why? They all are witty, amusing , friendly , rarely depressed, informed, enthusiastic. Well you get the picture. These woman are a joy to hang out with and most men feel lucky to spend time with them.

  12. 12

    Loved reading all the intelligent, fun and accurate comments. I do think it’s not always about looks but ability to make men (or women) feel comfortable and appreciated. Once you’ve been married and/or had children, the world is yours for grabs;nothing is important but your happiness whatever that may be. I liked the comments by Michael who I feel is correct in that women (or men) are drawn to people who are witty, amusing, easy to talk to and authentic is key.

    1. 12.1


      drawn to them – yes. Attracted to them? Not necessarily. But they make good friends.

  13. 13
    Randy Wayne Jackson

    Okay oh, I am 57 years old. I feel like that I am a very nice looking man I am honest, faithful, and loyal. But every time when I look at a woman’s profile on one of the dating sites, they have overblown everything. I have an associate’s degree and all the women that I have come across I’ll have bachelor’s degrees which to me doesn’t really make that much difference. But, all they want is a bachelor’s degree when you’re in your 50s does it really matter? Also, I get sick and tired of seeing pictures of them over in Europe the Bahamas Mexico Africa and places like that. I have been there also to to me it is no big deal I prefer the good old United States personally. I have sent out so many messages to women my age and a little younger and have gotten no response. Why is that?

    1. 13.1

      Not using punctuation could be part of the problem.
      Yes, bragging about travel can be annoying, but why not ask about the destination in the photo, especially if you have been there yourself? Show interest instead of resentment.
      Assoc. vs. bachelors can make a big difference, but if you have secure employment in a career you are proud of then that is the key to presenting yourself in a positive light.

      1. 13.1.1
        Randy Wayne Jackson

        Well I hate to say that is not resentment. You go on a dating site to learn more about somebody not see all of their travel pictures. That is why you have a profile to tell everybody what you like to do. I would rather have four good pictures of somebody then 25 of just nothing but then traveling.

        1. Gallilee

          Don’t worry about things you have no control over. People on tinder post pics of themelves travelling. Thats the way it is; the way you feel about it wont change things at all, convenient as that would be.

          And yes, grammar, spelling, run on sentences etc matter. In such a small information bubble as a dating profile it’s as valid an insight into you as anything else on there. Come on, there’s a lot to complain about in the world of dating, no need to get creative and original with our kvetching:)

    2. 13.2

      Earlier in the comments, Michael observed qualities of women who have no trouble dating regardless of age or appearance: “They all are witty, amusing, friendly, rarely depressed, informed, enthusiastic…a joy to hang out with…”

      Picture a male spin on that person. I would bet that guy gets responses.

    3. 13.3

      Randy Wayne Jackson,

      I hate to say this, but it might be your attitude.

    4. 13.4

      Randy, I’m not trying to be snarky here, but in your profile and in your texting, please do pay attention to grammar and punctuation. When someone would write to me and they had an Associate’s degree, I would often make a decision based on their writing. If you write poorly and lack correct punctuation, then a woman who requests a Bachelor’s degree and above will almost certainly pass you by. Just take the time, or ask an offspring or a friend to proofread your profile. It matters.

      1. 13.4.1
        Yet Another Guy


        I know a lot of men who hold undergraduate degrees who do not write very well. The reality is that women tend to be better writers than men, especially here in the United States. The difference is in large part due to bias within the public education system. Boys are pushed to focus on math and science at the expense of developing written and oral communication skills (older American men were also pushed to focus on mechanical skills). The reverse is usually true for girls. While I write well today, I struggled with composition when I was an undergraduate. I remember chuckling internally when a girl who sat next to me in my freshman composition course received an “F” on an algebra test. I was acing engineering calculus; therefore, I could not understand how someone could get an “F” in algebra at the college level. I took and passed algebra in 8th grade. The humbling moment came when we received our first paper back from the prof. She received an “A” while I received “D.” The reality is that men and women appreciate different kinds of intelligence. Any women who judges a man’s intellect based on his writing skills is as just as much of a fool as a man who judges a woman’s intellect based on her math and science skills.

        1. Paula

          Unfortunately for men, math and science prowess don’t mean much in the way of establishing or maintaining romantic interest and relationships. I find men who can’t communicate well on paper to fare much better in conversation. That said there are plenty of women with commensurate communication skills and those are the women a man such as Randy should expect to attract.

        2. Yet Another Guy


          However, the bias against men who lack strong written communications skills eliminates most of the male population. Once again, men have traditionally not been encouraged to develop strong written communication skills. While the career fields that offer the greatest financial rewards to men often require strong verbal communication skills, they do not require strong written communication skills. Actual document composition has traditionally been handled by administrative assistants and other writers. The reason why I know how to write well is because I survived a difficult graduate-level STEM program where emphasis was placed on publishing. I am not saying that men should be given a pass on their writing skills. What I am saying is that being able to write well is not important to most men. There a lot of things that are important to men that are not important to women. The better way to approach a man’s profile is to look for effort. There is a difference between a summary that contains grammatical errors and one where it is clear that the writer made little to no effort.

        3. Gallilee

          Men haven’t been encouraged to write well because most admin assistants are women?!?!?
          You’ve gone off in a very weird direction with this one, YAG.

        4. Marika

          I agree with you on this, Gallilee. There are many, many male authors and academics out there. More men than women would be my guess (given it wasn’t too long ago female authors had to ghost write as men to be taken seriously). This is bizarre reasoning YAG is giving for poorly written profiles.

          Anyway, I doubt this lady was expecting War and Peace. You barely need primary school education to write in full sentences, use punctuation and grammar. If you find that too difficult – get your PA to proofread it!! 😉

        5. Paula


          Half the male population?! I very rarely – like maybe 10% of time time – read profiles that have poor grammar and spelling. Same holds true for text exchanges – in fact I can’t think of a single time I chose not to meet someone over written communication.

    5. 13.5

      Because you’re boring?

  14. 14
    Miss Vicki

    A really good, commercially done head shot and an active full body shot with your hobby (cars,motorcycles,kayaks,hiking pets, always smiling( is more of a win win than pictures of you holding your phone doing a selfies which usually distorts facial features and do not look very good. It pays to advertise in the best way possible, not a place to be cheap,and this advice goes for both men and women. Good pictures are a big help! Using suggestive comments turns most people off right away. Pretend you are applying for a job or writing it aimed at your parents. Be nice and sound nice, not like a skank which is a huge turn off. Everyone is looking for quality and someone they can feel comfortable with for a long term (usually).

    1. 14.1

      Miss Vicki,

      Suggestive comments, a skank? Seriously? It baffles me that in the 21st century, there are still people bitter and prude enough to hurl insults like this at women (or men, but it’s rarely aimed at men) who have a healthy view of sex.

      Honestly, I haven’t even seen many profiles of women looking for serious relationships who even include any of that. Maybe you need to get your nose out of the casual hook-ups section.

      And pray tell how anyone could possibly feel comfortable around someone as judgmental as you. Let alone consider someone that judgmental “quality”.

      1. 14.1.1

        Sorry sylvana, I agree with Miss Vicki. My guy friends sometimes show me photos of women who have reached out to them, and many times their photos are over the top.

        1. Miss Vicki

          Thank you, Donna.

      2. 14.1.2
        Miss Vicki

        Sylvana; it seems you are being mean and judgmental an downriight nasty which tells me YOU are a very unhappy person. Everyone should have standards and if you are in casual hook ups (whatever that is) then no doubt yours are different than mine. Try not to be so hateful with your comments, it makes you look bad, I have no interest in reading womens profiles do I don’t know what they write but men certainly do make improper innuendos quite often but if that’s ok with you, then fine…go for it. Not for me.

    2. 14.2

      Miss Vicki,
      All I can tell you as a man who has been on a variety of online dating sites over a six year span, is that I have seen at most two or three women’s profiles that contained any suggestive comments, and at most a half dozen that included even one bikini or lingerie pic. So like Sylvana, I have to wonder what sites you were looking at. Now there are certain sites, where most of the women are, shall we say, professional, ah, “escorts”, where the profiles and pics might be more like what you describe, but that is a different matter.

  15. 15

    I wonder if theres an issue whereas people have a fantasy type ideal mate in their head and so no real person ever quite measures up. The ideal may be for a man to date someone younger or for a woman to date someone rich etc. or whatever but how do we reconcile what we need vs what we want in our heads? Maybe the issue lies with us not having the ability to date and interact with deeper consciousness. Some of the most talked about, loved and respected individuals that have changed the world in great ways were not celebrated because of wealth or beauty but by the wealth of virtues that they possessed. We need to see people fr a different lens in order to truly connect. Shallow meets shallow does not make a great lasting love.

    1. 15.1

      JJ: “…people have a fantasy type ideal mate in their head and so no real person ever quite measures up.” Absolutely. I can only speak for myself, but it started with Disney movies like ‘Snow White’ and ‘Sleeping Beauty’, films with a hero so vaguely defined you can fill in the abundant blanks however you want.

  16. 16

    I am 65 been single 8yrs live alone been alone I try all ages but like fishing no hook on line I just bout say hell with it let love there self .

  17. 17

    So I’m a pretty dedicated tinder user. I usually meet a couple of people a month. While it can feel like a massive waste of time sometimes, I think overall it’s a great asset as long as you’re willing to put the time in. And play the numbers game. By this I mean swipe right. A lot. Be open minded about who you meet. View a meeting/date as a mini adventure rather than a tiresome chore. Even if romance doesn’t bloom, most people are decent enough and you can make friends. Which means more social connections, which means more dates.

    As for the age thing, I’m a 35 year old man and my age range is ‘open’, ie i have no stated preference and can match with anybody. I’d say a majority of my matches are quite a bit younger, early to mid 20’s. I don’t know whether this phenomenon is sociological or demographic; I was quite surprised recently to read a number of women here talking about how disgusted they would have been (‘ickkk’, ‘eww!’) to date somebody my age. But there you have it, that’s the reality of it.

    I’d echo the sentiments warning against the perils of excessive pickiness; don’t visualise a partner so specific that reality will struggle to provide for. And to repeat: meet people! Be adventurous.

    1. 17.1

      Galilee said: “I was quite surprised recently to read a number of women here talking about how disgusted they would have been (‘ickkk’, ‘eww!’) to date somebody my age.”

      Yeah, it’s not a surprise that you’re surprised many women are uninterested in significantly older men. Media makes a big impact on what’s considered normal, and from the earliest days in Hollywood leading men have routinely been paired with women half their age.

      But, here’s the reality, as has been discussed on other threads: the vast, vast majority of people opt to settle down with age peers.

      1. 17.1.1

        I think the real ‘ewww’ is targetted towards men who *only* want much younger women. If your profile is open in terms of age, that’s a good move. If a man’s profile doesn’t include his own age in his search criteria, that’s a really bad look.

        A lot of us women were surprised to find out that many men don’t care about a woman’s accomplishments, and I was personally very surprised that a man may be turned off by travel shots in a profile (I would find that an interesting talking point myself). We’re all here to learn about the opposite sex, though, right.

        1. Lynx

          “I was personally very surprised that a man may be turned off by travel shots in a profile”

          At 50+, what has surprised me about not just dating but socializing in general is how women seem to be vastly more interested in getting out and doing activities. It’s easy to find women’s exercise or hiking or traveling groups; you see women in packs trying out new restaurants or on the dance floor, and absolute hoardes of women at art and theater events.

          What do men DO for fun? Surely they’re not all at home glued to a screen watching sporting events?

          I’m beginning to think women are just more… well… fun at this age. And it’s curious because in my 20s, it seemed like guys were the more fun gender. Is this just my experience? And if not, what’s up?

        2. Michelle

          My five cents is that travel conveys a woman is financially independent, open-minded, a good planner, takes initiative, and likes to have fun. A guy put off by that? Uh, no thanks.

        3. Jeremy

          Each of us thinks, on some level, that the way we are is the way others ought to be. If they were, you know, normal.
          The explorer-type looks at the world and says, “Man, you’re too boring!”
          The guardian-type says, “Man, you’re too immature!”
          The idealist-type says, “Man, you have no spirit, no authenticity!”
          The rational-type says, “Man, you make no sense!”

          I’ve often smiled reading comments on this blog, written by men and women, discussing how they want to find someone to have adventures with. LOL. It’s not that I don’t want to ever have adventures, it’s that having adventures is less than 1% of what I do every day. It’s that those adventures, don’t occupy much space in my pie-chart of reasons for a relationship or decision-making for choosing a partner. You like vacations?
          That’s nice….and irrelevant. What else you got? But then, my personality type is not Explorer.

          Lynx, I think there are 2 reasons for the phenomenon you’re describing. The first is that I think women generally have greater reserves of emotional energy than men – whereas men might be exhausted from their day, women are less so. And the second is that even when women ARE exhausted, they de-stress through bonding with other people (“tend and befriend”), whereas men’s reaction to stress is withdrawal. The men you describe who only want to withdraw are likely stressed to hell. And it’s a catch-22, because the more they’re stressed, the more they withdraw. The more they withdraw, the less emotional comfort they’ll get, and the more stressed they’ll be. But it’s a difficult thing, to overcome what your brain tells you to do. You know what I’m talking about, just in a different realm.

        4. Paula


          ‘Having adventures is less than 1% of what I do everyday.’

          Yes! I don’t bypass the profiles that list out only hobbies and interests but I do ask early on how a person’s friends would describe his personality, how he goes about problem-solving at work, etc…anything to try to build a sense of what he’s *like* and if he’d make good company at the grocery store, or walking the dog, etc.

        5. Adrian

          Hi Jeremy

          You said, “It’s not that I don’t want to ever have adventures, it’s that having adventures is less than 1% of what I do every day.”

          I agree 100%. Many of us have unrealistically high standards. I think the problem is that when we look at people who have requirements for income, looks, etc… we say “well my standards aren’t to high I would never require a man who makes $$$ or a woman who looks like ***” We compare ourselves to the most extreme people and therefore tell ourselves that what we want is normal.

          This gives us an easy out for overlooking our own unrealistic biases like requiring a person travel or have a perfect written profile with zero grammar mistakes.

          This all reminds me of what the commenter Karmic Equation once said when many women were saying they needed a man to have certain levels of education to date them and when asked why they said for conversations with someone on their level. Karmic replied that, no one spends all their time as a couple talking about Astrophysics, Calculus, or Chemical Engineering; even musicians and artist don’t talk about those things All day. Most couples spend the majority of their time talking about everyday things, even if both partners have an advantaced Ph.d.

          I’m not knocking anyone who wants to find someone that loves to travel or who has their doctorate, I’m just saying that if those things mattered then I think Evan in over 1,000 post with various subjects on how to find a successful long-term relationship would have dedicated at least 1 to requiring a man who travels, knows how to dance, or who has a postgraduate degree.

        6. Marika

          Thinking of switching teams, Lynx? 😉

        7. Marika

          Well, of course, Jeremy…

          But when we’re talking online profiles it’s not a good move to put up pics of yourself watching TV and making a coffee at work. Travel pics don’t mean ‘I want to travel everyday’ and they certainly don’t mean ‘I want you to pay for it’!

          I heard about this attractive woman getting no joy on Tinder. So she changed her initial pic to one of her face planted in the snow or dirt. Suddenly LOTS of men started writing to her. Her age and attractiveness haven’t changed. So, why? She stood out. She’s clearly fun, self-effacing and has a sense of humour. A boring profile is a big mistake. Even if you generally have a boring life. You need a talking point.

          I re-jigged mine after FTOO. I have this silly/cute list in there. It includes things like ‘4. There is no 4’. That gets a lot of laughs and generates conversation. And I know the guys who ask ‘why is there no 4?’ won’t get me and my silliness.

        8. Mrs Happy

          “Thinking of switching teams, Lynx?” (M)
          I thought about it in my 30’s after divorcing and just not clicking romantically with any men for a bit. It’d certainly widen one’s choice. If only, I thought, women had male bodies….
          Couldn’t do it.

        9. Lynx

          Marika: in some ways, switching teams would be soooo much easier. I’d know exactly how to find prospects in the real world, wouldn’t need a dating app at all!

        10. Lynx

          Jeremy: “The explorer-type looks at the world and says, ‘Man, you’re too boring!,’ ”

          Maybe you’re right, maybe it’s just me being an Explorer type. Although, I’m not talking about dramatic, 1% of your life travel adventures; I’m talking about regularly doing activities in your own neck of the woods that are a little novel, a little out of your comfort zone…or even lower investment activities, like exploring unfamiliar ideas by listening to podcasts or reading books or watching TED talks…or even smaller yet, trying a new recipe using random ingredients you haven’t used before. Hell, even just taking a different route to work counts. Any of those behaviors, to me, make a person more interesting. But I’m completely open to the idea that it’s just a me thing and others are attracted to boring, unadventurous people 😉

          “I think maybe women have greater reserves of emotional energy then men”

          It could also be that women have greater reserves of physical energy, too. From the onset of menstruation, most women spend around 4 decades of their lives in pain for part of every month, but having to suck it up and push through and attend school and go to work and care for kids and exercise, anyway, despite the pain. Maybe that gives us greater endurance, and a greater willingness to do extracurricular activities. Just spitballin’ here, not trying to offend anyone.

        11. Marika

          Lynx and Mrs H

          I think we all think it from time to time. In my 20s we’d all be looking cute in our little dresses and would sometimes kiss each other after a few Bacardi Breezers (Mrs H, on Manly beach after a night at the Steyne!!). Fun!

          …..but then you think about the other stuff you’d have to do….and you realise you’re already firmly on the right team 😉

        12. Jeremy

          Lynx, I think that each of us will perceive the word “adventurous” as meaning somethng different. When I try to explain myself to people, the metaphor I often use is that I’m a tv with its volume turned up to 60. I literally don’t understand how anyone can be bored in this amazing universe. Give me five minutes alone in the dark and I’ll choose from a thousand things I’ve just been waiting for the opportunity to think about. Show me another person and I’ll have a fascinating and ever-changing puzzle to figure out. Bored? How? What aren’t you seeing? But put me in a club with loud music and flashing lights, overwhelming my senses and intruding in my thoughts, coercively forcing itself upon me – and I’ll be in pure hell.

          But an extrovert is a tv with its volume turned down to 3. Put her in a loud club and she’ll look around, smile a bit, tap her feet and say, “now I’m getting warmed up.” put her in a room alone with her thoughts and she’ll chew the drywall like a puppy.

          Of course there’s a wide spectrum in between. Adventurous in ideas, in small meaningful things, or not perceiving the adventure in this, needing to jump off cliffs with pants on fire to perceive adventure. Which of the two is the boring one? I know what I think…

          Last year my wife and I took a trip to the islands. When we got to the beach, I stopped in awe, as I always do there. My wife asked me what I was thinking and I unthinking answered without my usual translatory filter from Jeremy language to human : “I feel nothing. Oblivion. The enormity of what’s in front of me is impossible to process, it so overloads my senses that they shut down – my worries, my cares, my burdens gone, leaving me with a perfect oblivion, the peace of the void.” My wife, who is much more an extrovert than I, gave me a look and said,” O.. Kay. Well, you can stay here for a while and I’ll go exploring the resort for things to do. I’m kind of bored. “

        13. Yet Another Guy


          “What do men DO for fun? Surely they’re not all at home glued to a screen watching sporting events?”

          I think your view of the horizon is tainted by the activities in which you like to engage, which appear to be female-dominated activities. You need to engage in activities in which men like to engage if you want to see what age 50+ men do for fun. Have you ever attended a sporting event? There are a lot men your age at sporting events. How about golf courses? You will find a lot of age 50+ men on golf courses. Sport fishing is also big with men. Here’s one that appears to be a hidden jewel for age 50+ women; namely, sailing towns? I recently moved in with my girlfriend. She lives in a sailing town and had no problem meeting well-educated, well-heeled, age 50+ men before she met me. In fact, the town is a sausage fest of well-educated, well-heeled, age 50+ men during the peak of the sailing season, especially on race days.

        14. Jeremy

          I was just reminded of this thread when a new dad joke popped up on my thread:

          Her:”I thought you said you were interesting!”
          Him: “No, I said I was into resting!”

        15. Marika

          Jeremy…I hope it’s okay to say this, I think you may come back from therapy with a new batch of jokes and funny observations!

          I would imagine you may be the type of person (as am I) who would find humour in a very serious experience such as therapy for PTSD.

          I recall during one of my sessions back when I was getting some help for relationship stuff I saw a guy who a. wore the same shirt *every single time* and b. had massive yellow pit stains. It was all I could think about. Like, does he only own one shirt? Does he own 5 shirts that all look the same (pit stains included?) Does he have a skanky sleepover every week and I happen to see him the next day so he’s in a dirty shirt he’s worn twice? I think I even tried to switch days once just to see if he was wearing a different top 😉

          I look forward to any interesting experiences or observations you may wish to share – and very much hope I’m not being insensitive.

        16. Jeremy

          You’re not being insensitive at all. If we can’t find the humour in life, what would the point be? And this is not my first rodeo, after all. My problem has always been that few others find the same things funny that I do, but I can’t help that my brain is always searching for funny and unusual connections.

          When my wife was in labour with our fourth child I was walking with her in the hospital on the way to obstetrics and she was understandably focused on getting where she was going. But on our way we passed by an office and I just stopped and burst out laughing. “What is it,” she asked, “what’s so funny?” “Look at the sign on the door,” I wheezed. She looked. It read, “Dr Taz Sinuff.” “I don’t get it,” she said. “Say it out loud fast,” I suggested. She did so, and after 2-3 times she shook her head ruefully at me, grimaced, took my hand and proceeded to maternity. “Too late to second guess now,” she said. Anyway, I still think the sign was funny and wonder if it’s fake. A psychology test to see who’d get it, or just a really unfortunate name. Funny what we choose to focus on – humour in times of stress, a place to put our mind.

      2. 17.1.2

        ‘Yeah, it’s not a surprise…wo,an half their age.’

        Well, I think it’s more life experience. As I said earlier the women who i have most connections with are 10 to 15 years younger, on average.

        My take on women my own age (And this is if they’re looking for similar age men and are struggling; if you’re not please feel free not to hecter on about the pernicious social engineers of the mass media); being upfront about wanting marriage and kids yrstrtday, while admirable in its forthrightness, it’s hardly an optimal strategy. Men my age nees to see how a woman is as a girlfriend before even considering that. I know there’s a rock and hard place here; you have to get on with things, it’s just the other side doesn’t respond well to that.

  18. 18

    I get that, Marika. I guess my point was that posting certain things will attract certain personalities… So it behooves one to consider whom one wishes to attract. Start with the goal; with backwards. I posted a while back about the drawbacks of mountain climbers. Of course, if one is a mountain climber one’s self…

    Btw, the beauty of Seinfeld was that it was a show about nothing. The nothing was just framed perfectly.

    1. 18.1

      IDK, Jeremy. IME online is a bit of a free for all. Especially if your profile is funny and interesting with a range of pics. I actually tried to get fewer fifty-somethings and twenty-somethings and sex-only/open relationship/married-but-cheating types to write to me by including in mine that I kind of liked the idea of maybe exploring adoption. Nope. Still get them!

      If you improve your profile you get more interest; including more interest from people who are completely inappropriate. That’s just the nature of the beast. I find that people who put thought into ‘should I write to this person based on their content?’ are in the small minority. And I’m not complaining… oh poor me, lots of people write to me…not at all. I accept that and understand it’s a nice problem to have. I’m just saying that you’ll get all sorts, no matter what you write or show.

      In fact, for a man, I would actually suggest writing to a woman in your general age range if you find her attractive no matter what, unless there are glaring dealbreakers, eg she wants kids and you don’t. OT things based on the content of pictures – such as assuming some travel pics means she’s never in the country and will spend all your money – is silly. When do you take pictures? When you do something fun and interesting and unusual, not when you’re living your day to day life. All my pics were already in my phone. I didn’t take any specifically for my profile.

      Have you watched Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee? More funny- nothing- with- funny- peeps (I particularly liked the ones with Tina Fey, Ricky Gervais and Barak Obama – who apparently is a comedian??!). Oh Obama, such a cool dude. The last time we had a cool PM was in the 90s!

      1. 18.1.1

        Marika: “In fact, for a man, I would actually suggest writing to a woman in your general age range if you find her attractive no matter what,” In the spirit of giving guys advice, here’s a suggestion to consider.

        If I were to be brutally honest, my bf probably wouldn’t have much success with online dating by pics alone, but he’s clever and witty and flirtatious and strategic, which more than compensates. He takes this approach: he finds the least flattering/interesting photo a woman posts, and in his initial contact he asks a thoughtful question about it. He figures it might make him stand out from the competition since other guys — if they comment about photos at all — will pick the hottest one and just write something like, “wow u r hott”.

    2. 18.2
      Emily, to

      “Oh Obama, such a cool dude. The last time we had a cool PM was in the ’90s.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnW3xkHxIEQ
      Have you seen this? It’s Obama on “Between Two Ferns” with Zach Galifianakis. A Obama is brilliant.

      1. 18.2.1

        No, I haven’t, but I’ll check it out. I’ll send it to my Mum too, she LOVES Obama. I think she’s got a thing for his look – I remember she used to get all hot under the collar about Denzel Washington back when he was in every second movie.

        Seriously, in our whole history since Federation we’ve had like 3 good looking PMs – and not hot, just passable. Unfair!! The one who was reasonably good looking and young during his time in office they made a musical about. Because It.Is.So.Rare.

        1. Emily, to

          “I remember she used to get all hot under the collar about Denzel Washington back when he was in every second movie.”
          I can assure you the heat your mother felt from Denzel Washington is experienced much lower than her collar. 🙂
          “Seriously, in our whole history since Federation we’ve had like 3 good looking PMs – ”
          The Canadian PM is hot. Even I think so I don’t even like clean-cut-looking dudes.

        2. sylvana


          you just typed my thoughts…lol

  19. 19
    Michelle K.

    No, this is bad advice. If you’re a middle-aged woman, the only reason to get in touch with a young man is if you want sex that’s borderline abusive, because if he shows up at all, he’s most likely to show up to use you for sex and/or a little mothering, then disappear. Maybe you’re fine with that. But the last thing I need in my life is a confused, horny young man. That was bad enough when I was also young.

    Sex should not feel like babysitting, and neither should relationships. A couple-few years’ difference, fine. More than that and you’re probably asking for trouble. The age gap works fine the other way because the young women are as or more mature than the old men.

  20. 20
    Michelle K.

    The fixation on finding women of childbearing age is also pretty gross. Back when I was thinking about having kids, I knew that there was some chance it just wouldn’t happen, and that pregnancy would be hard to achieve. So I figured I’d probably adopt. Here’s what I didn’t do: go hunting for a human to make babies for me. Like, “WHAR’S A RIPE ONE?!! HEY HONEY, YOU MAKIN BABIES TODAY?”

    If what you want is to be a dad, there are a zillion kids who already exist and need a dad. If you have some sort of fixation on your own genes like they’re really special, or like you’d be less of a man if your own minute variations in the genome weren’t passed along, then it’s really time to reexamine where your beliefs are coming from and what you believe makes you a worthwhile person. Please do not try to blame evolutionary biology for your thinking. There is no “biological drive” to have kids. There is a biological drive in most people to have sex. The two things are different, which is evident in the number of parents who either physically disappear or just check out pretty soon after the babies are born.

    In any case please do not go looking for a woman, an adult human person, to be your babymaking machine.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *