How Can I Make a Guy Who Slept With Me Want to Commit to Me?

How Can I Make a Guy Who Slept With Me Want to Commit to Me?
49 Shares

I met a guy online couple months ago. First date, he told me he’s looking for something serious. To me, that was a sign of desperation and I wasn’t all that interested. He contacted me often, and I was willing to give him a try- went over to hang out without sex. By the third date, I felt like I could be physical without emotional attachment because I wasn’t truly attracted to him. (If I wanted something serious I wouldn’t have slept with him this soon.) I was good at distancing myself to not get attached at this point.

We are 15 years apart- friends warned me I might be his side chick or sex toy. I hated feeling like I might be used for sex, especially because we only truly hang out at home, order in, etc. He put minimal effort into dating and I thought it was just his older age- and it was ok that we were hanging out casually, despite him wanting something serious. He wanted sex often. I didn’t feel good about it at some point (haven’t had sex since the third date.)

Due to paranoia, I told him I can’t have sex but that I want to continue seeing him. I didn’t want to be played but of course, I told him other excuses. He said he’s not like the other guys and would not insist on sex. He kept his words, kept wanting to see me. I was quite aloof, met him once every two weeks or so. He felt frustrated and said maybe we should be friends. That’s when it hit me- I didn’t want to lose this person. Maybe it was the constant attention or the false hope that I had that maybe he was the one or the idea of potential. That’s when the tables turned and I asked him to be with me- and that’s when he started bringing up how he needed sexual intimacy (not penetration). I said yes. He never made me feel uncomfortable but I could tell that sex was something high on his priority while it wasn’t on mine.

Soon, after one night of sex, I saw how he became aloof while I became attached. He left for a business trip and then I ended it few days after because he didn’t text me for three days. I felt that he changed after our second sex. He didn’t beg for me to reconsider or anything- he said he understood. I just couldn’t stand the thought that he was only after sex from me. I didn’t want to be that 24 year old he gets to fuck occasionally.

Now, forward to three months later. He comments on my bikini photos time to time and I have reached out to him, saying hello. He claims now that he found someone serious but that he would love to have sex with me or just be intimate, that he can’t forget the chemistry and connection we had. He claims he will leave the city for the girl. He is also saying that if I want him to stay I’d have to give him sex. I guess now I know he didn’t feel satisfied in what we were because of my hesitation on sex. I want him back and I want him to want me for more than sex like he made it seem in the beginning. Will having sex fix anything? If there even is a girl that he is in a relationship, why is he still asking me to come over and wants me sexually? He says he can deal with him cheating if it happens but that right now he can’t give me what I want- a relationship- because he is already in one. He has me on the palm of his hands. What can I do to turn the tables? I think everything went downhill once I got attached but I’m not too sure…

I agree that our chemistry and connection was amazing. I want sex too but I just don’t want men to want me just for sex. What can I do to either change that thought or change the guy?

-Dee

You took his interest in something serious as a sign of desperation.

You took his interest in something serious as a sign of desperation.

You slept with him on the third date because you weren’t attracted to him.

You didn’t want anything serious with him but you kept hanging out with him platonically.

You told him you wanted to keep seeing him without sleeping with him.

You decided you DID want to start seeing him and slept with him again.

You broke up with him a few days after because of his lack of follow up. He didn’t protest.

You reached out to him three months later and discovered he has a girlfriend.

You also discovered that he would still have sex with you despite this relationship.

You want him back even though he’s proven to be aloof, indifferent and unfaithful.

You are considering sleeping with him to see if this “fixes” things.

You are writing to me to “turn the tables” and “change the guy.”

Holy shit, Dee.

I feel for you, but can you see your own contradictions and inconsistencies?

Virtually everything you did is the OPPOSITE of what I’d recommend as a dating coach.

  • Dismissing a guy who wants something serious.
  • Sleeping with him on the third date.
  • Hanging out with him even though you weren’t interested.
  • Only valuing him when he shows he doesn’t value you.
  • Ignoring his character issues and trying to figure out how to win him over.

The only thing you did right was dumping him after he ignored you for three days.

The answer to your question isn’t about how you can get this guy back; it’s to ask yourself why you’re making so many problematic choices without any awareness of how detrimental they are to your long-term happiness.

If you only sleep with men you don’t like and only value men who don’t value you, you’re left with situations like this.

Want to get it right the next time? Try doing the OPPOSITE of everything you did before.

Join our conversation (45 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Selena

    This letter sounds like she was never really that into him, but she enjoyed the attention of “having someone”. He may have enjoyed same, but he also wanted a sex life. I’m not seeing the “amazing chemistry and connection” here at all.

    There seems to be a quirk in human nature that sometimes we decide we want something more when we can’t have it. If the man in the letter ended his relationship and tried to pursue something serious with Dee, I suspect it wouldn’t take long before she reverted back to feeling meh about him.

    Better for everyone to let this go and start fresh with someone new.

    1. 1.1
      Tim

      Agreed with everything you said 100%!

      This girl’s letter is screaming of loneliness and lack of seeing her own dating value. Most likely this older guy is the only male giving her attention. People who are lonely are like black-holes. Any attention gives them something to fill the void; even if the attention is from someone they don’t really want.

      People with low self-worth and/or self-efficacy accept sub-par quality dates because in their minds they can’t get better or this is what they deserve. If anything I think she needs to find ways to boast her belief in herself and to get attention from the opposite sex in a way that decreases her neediness.

      1. 1.1.1
        sylvana

        Tim,

        very well said.

  2. 2
    Emily, to

    “I didn’t want to be that 24 year old he gets to fuck occasionally.”
    This should be an issue for a 24-year-old. It’s the time when most of us look our best and most people are still available. She should be having tons of sex, and it doesn’t need to be it someone like this guy, a man who is 15 years older. There are plenty of really hot guys her own age.

    1. 2.1
      Tim

      It’s easy to think that someone 24 years old is swimming in options and is at the height of their beauty but I actually think that most kids don’t realize this.

      If anything they are swimming in uncertainty and self-doubt.

      The fact that a 24 year old would even go out with a 39 year old shows that she lacks options and at least to most other 24 year olds she isn’t a first choice when it comes to looks.

      I do agree that she needs to get out there and reprogram her mind into seeing that she is worthy and capable of acquiring a nice looking guy her own age. Instead of waiting on a guy to approach her she needs to learn to “actively” get guys to approach her. Most likely if guys aren’t approaching or asking her out it has little to do with her and everything to do with their lack of confidence as well.

      1. 2.1.1
        Malika With an L

        A woman (or a man, come to that) can date someone with a wide age gap, and it can be a healthy and fulfilling relationship, even though they have the option to date someone their own age. Dating someone older or younger says nothing about whether you can attract someone in the same life phase as you.

        But i do agree with the fact that she does not value either her worth or that or others and that there is a lot of scarcity mindset going on here, seeing how they are treating each other.

      2. 2.1.2
        Emily, to

        Tim,
        “It’s easy to think that someone 24 years old is swimming in options and is at the height of their beauty but I actually think that most kids don’t realize this.”
        I meant sexual options. As has been posted on this site repeatedly (I’m telling you this because you’re a new poster), men aren’t all that picky when it comes to casual sex. An average-looking 24-year-old woman (at that age, most women are at a good weight, their hair and skin look good, etc.) should have no problem getting sex. Now, she may have agreed to date a 39-year-old because the men her age only wanted something casual (I’m guessing) and she wants more. Hard to tell from her letter because she’s kind of all over the map.

      3. 2.1.3
        Gallilee

        Time, I don’t know about that. I’m closer to 39 than 24 and I now have way more opportunity to sleep with 24 year old woman now than I did then. Seems pretty normal among my single friends as well.

        1. Emily, to

          Gallilee,
          ” I’m closer to 39 than 24 and I now have way more opportunity to sleep with 24 year old woman now than I did then. Seems pretty normal among my single friends as well.”
          Really? I remember being 24 and, at the time, 39 seemed ancient. Heck, 30 seemed ancient. Those were the guys in a whole other phase of life. They were on the other side, a side I didn’t want any part of. They had kids and houses and were … responsible.

        2. Lurking

          I agree that age gap is pretty large, I did not like 40 yr olds when I was 24. Too close to my dads age, different music, clothes, experience. They seemed ‘out of style’ and ‘stodgy’. I was never the Catherine Zeta Jones type to date some one way older, it felt ‘sucker punchy’ like setting your goal so low it was totally achievable. Why isn’t she dating a cute snowboarder professional her own age?

        3. Gallilee

          Yep, most single guys will agree, im sure. Im 35 now, single, no kids. 24 year old woman love me in every way; sex, relationships, friendships. I thought this was common knowledge. This is what the trope of the sexynolder man teallynis imo; 20 so,etching women and thirty/forty something men, rather than 18ngrarold woman, 70 year old man.

          You know, perhaps…society has changed in the last decade? I’m doubtful of that though.

        4. Emily, to

          Lynx,
          “I did not like 40 yr olds when I was 24. Too close to my dads age, different music, clothes, experience. They seemed ‘out of style’ and ‘stodgy’.”
          Yeah, when I was 24, 40-year-olds seemed like the guys who wore Dockers and drove mini-vans.
          “Why isn’t she dating a cute snowboarder professional her own age?”
          Exactly. A 24-year-old can date anyone she wants. Why go older?

        5. Marika

          Ah, ladies, let them have their fantasy…

          Yes, women in their 20s definitely dream of being with men at least 15 years older. Preferably 30+. Absolutely spot on observation, guys 😉

          Best thing to do as a 40 year old would be to target women around 19-25. Smoothest path to dating success!

        6. Emily, to

          Marika,
          “Ah, ladies, let them have their fantasy…”
          That’s exactly what I was going to write. He probably watches too much Fox News in which the young, pretty blonde newscaster is sitting next to a much older male commentator and actually believes that’s a possibility in real life.

        7. Lynx

          Emily: It was Lurker who made the “I did not like 40 year olds when I was 24” comment, but here’s my story. When I was 19, I had a good guy friend who was 24. I’d met him at work a couple of years earlier and totally just thought we were buddies (you can see where this is going).

          He invited me to celebrate his 25th birthday — we’d both happened to relocate to a new area around the same time and neither of us knew many people there, so it didn’t seem strange. At the end of the evening, he told me he wanted to start dating.

          I was totally shocked — 25 seemed ANCIENT!!

        8. Emily, to

          Lynx,
          “I was totally shocked — 25 seemed ANCIENT!!”
          LOL. Yep, I remember being 19. 25 was, omg, someone out of college with an adult job! 🙂

        9. Gallilee

          Emily, marika,
          Are you talking about me having ‘fantasies’? I don’t understand the anger here, perhaps I’m being confused with a poster with a similar name from another thread? I haven’t insulted either of you, why so angry?

          Ps I reread the original letter, holy moly! That made my head spin. Like Evan says, a good start would be to do the opposite of everything you’ve done thus far.

  3. 3
    Tim

    As a man I honestly think that in the beginning the guy “probably” wasn’t that bad. I think the “Letter Writer’s” actions created an anger and bitterness in him towards her that resulted in his character change. He felt rejected and played by her constant hot & cold actions.

    When she reconnected he was just being petty and lashing out trying to insult her by saying he has someone but he is open to just using her body. The fact that a 40 year old guy would act more child-like than a 24 year old is a huge red flag.

    Also the fact that he is willing to cheat on his girl either means that his new girlfriend has an unattractive body, or the sex isn’t as good as it was with the young 24 year old, or that the “letter writer” has a sexier body compared girlfriend’s body.

    Either way it exposes his bad character. If your girlfriend has a body that you aren’t satisfied with why date her? If the sex isn’t that good work on it, accept it, or just leave. If you are just cheating to get back at the “letter Writer” then why hurt someone innocent just so you can get revenge?

    1. 3.1
      Selena

      @ Tim
      “As a man I honestly think that in the beginning the guy “probably” wasn’t that bad. I think the “Letter Writer’s” actions created an anger and bitterness in him towards her that resulted in his character change. He felt rejected and played by her constant hot & cold actions.”

      I’m not male, but reading how she had sex with him and then proceeded to give him excuses to not do it with him again I found flakey. At one point he suggests they just be friends; THEN she decides to have sex with him. After that, he doesn’t contact her for 3 days. She breaks it off with him and he doesn’t try to *win* her back.

      3 months later he’s commenting on her bikini pic’s on social media and willing to meet her for sex, even though he supposedly has a girlfriend. Is he really angry/bitter and trying to get back at her?

      It sounds more to me that he wasn’t any more into her than she was to him. But he may have figured out that she sexually responds to a man withdrawing from her. Not a good guy IMO.

    2. 3.2
      Emily, to

      Tim wrote: Also the fact that he is willing to cheat on his girl either means that his new girlfriend has an unattractive body, or the sex isn’t as good as it was with the young 24 year old, or that the “letter writer” has a sexier body compared girlfriend’s body.
      Or he’s just sketchy or can’t say no to female attention.
      Selena wrote: “It sounds more to me that he wasn’t any more into her than she was to him.”
      I agree. They had sex a couple of times. It doesn’t sound like it was all the memorable and there’s not much connection there otherwise.

  4. 4
    Malika With an L

    Dear OP,

    My twenties was filled to the brim with dating experiences such as this. In hindsight I see a very lonely and insecure young woman who didn’t know either her own value or the value of others. Evan has suggested that you take the opposite approach in subsequent dating relations, and I would definitely under line this (gosh, if only i had been able to be put straight by Evan in my early twenties instead of my mid-thirties). With the additional advice that you get yourself to a therapist and/or read books on the value of self-esteem (Nathaniel Branden has written some very good books on this subject).

    Sometimes when we write down the situation we are in, the answer presents itself on the page. I hope that by the time you are reading this, you have worked out for yourself that you are not treating each other well and it is time to cut your losses. This sounds like a very convoluted and unsatisfying situation-ship to be in. Yet you are very young, and you have a sea of time to learn a more healthy approach to treating yourself and others. Once you start developing your self-esteem, something almost magical happens. Your douchey behaviour subsides and you stop attracting the men that want your behaviour to mirror the lack of their own self-esteem. Your emotional real estate widens and you become aware and appreciative of the good people that you can have enrichening experiences. I wish you luck on this vey necessary journey.

  5. 5
    sylvana

    Wow. Every time I read stuff like this, I am shocked. This woman needs some serious therapy about her hang-ups around sex. There are some serious issues that need to be addressed.
    Overall, she seems to have quite a few serious issues aside from the sex.

  6. 6
    Stefani

    Profound!!!

  7. 7
    Sparkxx

    It has often been intimated on this blog that men are the gatekeepers of relationships, women the gatekeepers of sex; so in effect men go in for the sex and end up getting the relationship. (I paraphrase here).

    Granted. Sex is awesome. But…
    1.Sex alone cannot sustain a long-term relationship. A good relationship is a sum total of companionship, good conversation, common/ complimentary goals in life, good communication,a fair amount of compromise on one’s ideals…et al. The sex may well be the icing on the cake.

    2. Sex should never be used as a bargaining tool. In this day and age, opportunities for sex abound for men. A woman may also need to exhibit other desirable qualities to make a man not treat her as “another 24 year old he’d like to f…”

    3. Ultimately there is no such a thing as a woman “giving a man sex”. It is a two way thing. I wouldn’t want a woman to give me sex, I would like to know that the other party is gaining something from what we are doing.

    This attitude of treating a man like Pavlov’s dog and using sex as a treat for whatever good behaviour you expect may be the root of the problem.

    Just ask yourself, what will happen if the red hot chemistry fizzles…as it is always wont to.
    Then what will you offer (or withhold for that matter) to keep the relationship going?

    Sex is important in relationships, yes. But those who want to use it as a bargaining chip, beware.

  8. 8
    Amanda

    In reply to 2.1.3: we’re definitely out there. My favourite age on a man has always been 39. I dated (and then married) a 39-year-old at 26, and now at 44 my partner of 5 years’ standing is 41. Men look good at this age and know what they’re doing. It’s attractive.

    1. 8.1
      Marika

      Yes, of course. There are women who are after much older men consistently, younger men consistently, and apparently women who prefer a certain age no matter what age they are.

      But, in the vast majority of cases, people prefer partners within a few years of their own age. It would be ridiculous for a 40 year old man to limit his search to early 20s women or think most 20 somethings want him.

  9. 9
    Chris

    Obviously this relationship has no future. But she same seems to have some serious hangups about sex. I have to wonder that even in more stable committed relationships if she is constantly worrying about whether she’s being “used for sex”? Is she constantly worrying in every relationship if her boyfriend wants her “just for sex”? Would these intrusive thoughts persist even if she got married?

    1. 9.1
      Marika

      I don’t think so, Chris.

      There’s this perception that women in their 20s have the dating market cornered. Certainly it’s when we’re most attractive to most men. BUT: unless it’s someone who’s had the most perfect upbringing and is very secure, if you could spend a day inside the head of a woman in her early 20s you’d be begging to be transported to your 30s, even 40s!

      In your early 20s, you don’t know who you are or what you want. You’ve only been out of uni for a couple of years. Until a few years ago you were living with your parents or in a dorm. You might have been given some strict ‘rules’ to follow re sexuality by your family of origin…etc..

      This is why Evan advises women not to marry in their 20s. And why he prefers older women. This LW is very young and is finding her way. She’s just putting on paper the fears and assumptions some young women have. I remember thinking stuff like her. She’s trying to navigate it all with a much older guy (who doesn’t really have any excuse for being as immature as her). There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with her that some maturity and experience won’t fix.

      1. 9.1.1
        Adrian

        Hi Marika,

        You said, “There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with her that some maturity and experience won’t fix.”

        EXACTLY! I’m amazed at all the comments suggesting this girl needs serious psychiatric help. NO! She is just a kid and she had to tell Evan the embarrassing truth to get his honest opinion.

        A few weeks ago Emily made the point about easily seeing my anxiety in my past comments but what she failed to see is that here online we can be honest and vulnerable because of anonymity. It doesn’t mean that in our everyday lives we so easily expose our wants, fears, and painful past.

        To me this is probably how the Dee is. We don’t know how she acts in the company of others.

        You said, “There’s this perception that women in their 20s have the dating market cornered. Certainly it’s when we’re most attractive to most men. BUT: ”

        I agree. Both you and Tim made excellent points about this. Just because people on the outside see you as attractive doesn’t mean that you see yourself that way. And even if you do know how attractive you are it doesn’t mean you have relationship skills.

        There is a LOT of disconnect with how people perceive outward beauty and them believing this equates to that person being a great relationship partner. Or believing that attractive people are swimming in dating offers so they don’t have dating troubles or insecurities.

        Another thing not mentioned is the fact that a 24 year old may be confident around another 24 year old but may be insecure around a 39 year old because he’s more like her dad than her peer.

        1. Emily, to

          Adrian,
          “Another thing not mentioned is the fact that a 24 year old may be confident around another 24 year old but may be insecure around a 39 year old because he’s more like her dad than her peer.”
          Actually, she may be more insecure around the 24-year-old, who in her mind is an actual possibility, rather than a 39-year-old, who she knows is too old for her and, as you wrote, she sees as her dad. Kind of like how a woman can be herself around a guy she sees as a friend but she loses confidence around a guy she thinks is hot.

        2. sylvana

          Adrian,

          I loved the comments you made from an attractive male’s point of view 🙂 It’s nice to hear other men debunking the myth that looks equal guaranteed relationship.

          The other thing that so many men tend to overlook is that just because men find a woman hot/attractive/etc. doesn’t mean that she can easily have a relationship. What she can easily get is sex. Sex does not equal relationship.

          Just because a bunch of men want to have sex with her doesn’t mean she’s surrounded by men who want committed, long-term relationships. And even if men would offer her a relationship just so they can keep having sex with her, that wouldn’t exactly be a desirable relationship.

        3. Adrian

          Hi Emily,

          You said, “Actually, she may be more insecure around the 24-year-old, who in her mind is an actual possibility, rather than a 39-year-old, who she knows is too old for her ”

          Great point! I think you cracked the case Dr. Emily Watson; it was all elementary. (^_^)

          I once read a relationship book by a psychologist and he warned people with low self-esteems to avoid the temptation of intentionally dating people who they felt were not attractive (something many people do to get a quick hollow ego boost) because if that person rejected them it would crush their ego even more.

          I think you seriously solved it. The letter writer probably just messed with the old guy for the attention but once he started rejecting (or using PUA tactics???) on her it triggered her insecurity even more.

        4. Emily, to

          Adrian,
          “I think you seriously solved it. The letter writer probably just messed with the old guy for the attention but once he started rejecting (or using PUA tactics???) on her it triggered her insecurity even more.”
          I hadn’t thought of that. Could be true. All I know is that I get nervous around men my age. Older men … I can flirt with all day long because I know nothing’s going to happen 🙂 I actually get nervous around cute younger men, too — the cute ones, not so much the uncute ones — because I’m worried they’re thinking, “Oh, God, here comes grandma.” When I was in my 20s, 48 seemed ancient. There was only 1 older man I thought was hot when I was young.
          How are you, dear Adrian? I have been good. I have been getting my butt out of the house and joining groups.

        5. Marika

          Hi Adrian

          Good to have you back 🙂

          My take on this is that some people aren’t comfortable with vulnerability. So when someone sets out their fears will full honesty and doesn’t pretend to have it all together, there are people who will accuse them of having ‘issues’. If we’re honest with ourselves, we all have irrational fears, blocks… ‘issues’. It’s just that some of us are willing to admit it and ask for help when needed, whereas others handle it differently (pretend to know it all and not need any help, leave a relationship the minute we feel uncomfortable, avoid relationships all together etc etc).

          Whenever I see an online profile which says something like ‘no baggage’, my immediate thought is – you do, you just don’t own it. I’m sure they probably mean they don’t have an ex-spouse, child support or kids – but there’s definitely a reason they are middle aged and single (I’m not saying it’s bad to be those things, but there will be some reason, some block, some ‘issue’ to explain why their relationships never work out, assuming they want one).

        6. Adrian

          Hi Sylvana, Emily, and Marika,

          Sylvana you are right. It reminds me of the people who are “Shocked” that celebrities are normal people… While I’m shocked that this wasn’t obvious. People always assume that being good looking means you are above normal human dating problems.

          Emily the comedian Kathy Griffin did this wonderful joke about the exact thing you explain. She said that she was in a club and a young guy (probably mid 20’s) danced over to her but when he found out how old she was he danced away (^_^). Obviously she tells it better than I can.

          Marika I’ve found that people don’t like to see their own insecurities in others because it reminds them of their own weakness.

        7. Emily, to

          Adrian,
          “Emily the comedian Kathy Griffin did this wonderful joke about the exact thing you explain. She said that she was in a club and a young guy (probably mid 20’s) danced over to her but when he found out how old she was he danced away (^_^). Obviously she tells it better than I can.”
          The last time I went dancing, there was a guy hovering around me. He wasn’t younger but quite a bit older. I just keep moving around and avoiding direct eye contact. 🙂

        8. Adrian

          Hi Emily,

          You said, “How are you, dear Adrian? I have been good. I have been getting my butt out of the house and joining groups.”

          I’ve been good Emily. I am going out and dating more. I haven’t tried online yet, not until I get better at approaching women and getting dates offline. To me that involves developing more confidence than being a keyboard warrior; it is also teaching me to read women and the environment quickly. And of course how to bounce back from a rejection.

          As far as friends I got tired of finding close to but not exactly what I was looking for or meeting flaky characters. So I started my own meetup group (^_^). I know that you, I and a few other regulars have discussed this a few times but I really do believe that people want the benefit of true friendship without having to put in the actual work… Oh and BOY Oh Boy! Were you right about men showing up hunting for women, sex, and even other men in meetups; regardless of what it is labeled. Though in retrospect perhaps I should have named it something else instead of “Fun Adventures” (^_^)… I thought it was clever but apparently most men thought it was innuendo… so we get new guys showing up every week but once they find out it’s just outdoor extreme sports they strangely disappear (o_O). I’ve had a few couples show up thinking it was a swingers club and I’ve had a few married women and men show up thinking it was a place for adultery…. All in all I’ve been smoothing over more misunderstandings than I have been paragliding or rock climbing. But doing trying is still better than doing nothing.

          Work is somewhat trying. Have you ever had people smile in your face while trying to sabotage you behind your back all because your accomplishments make them feel inadequate? Remember how I moved to a new state to accept a big fancy position 2 years ago? Well turns out a lot of people who worked here applied for my position and got denied; what I don’t get is why take it out on me? I didn’t even know they nor the position existed prior to coming here, why not take it out on the CEO and all the people who denied you. Oh and they HATE that someone so young is their boss, especially since they have been here for years… I guess it’s just difficult for me to deal with fake people. If they cursed me out to my face I could deal with that but not smiling and joking in my face all the while hating me simply because they are insecure about where they are in life.

          *********************

          Wow it felt so good getting all that off my chest. I have been trying to distance myself from the blog because I noticed that it had become a crutch which enabled me in making excuses and not putting in effort to get out and meet real people (plus the endless male v female debates are draining) but sometimes you just need a place where you can be completely honest about your fears, frustrations, needs, desires, and lusts without worry about the social consequences which that level of honesty brings.

        9. Emily, to

          Adrian,
          “So I started my own meetup group (^_^).”
          I’m about to do that, too. But “Fun Adventures” does sound like a swingers group. Don’t you have a place on the meetup group website to describe the group? There are meetup swingers groups and cuddle collectives where I live but it’s pretty clear from the description what they are.
          “Remember how I moved to a new state to accept a big fancy position 2 years ago? Well turns out a lot of people who worked here applied for my position and got denied; what I don’t get is why take it out on me?”
          You walked into a company culture that was in place years before you got there. I would be cordial, pleasant, certainly professional but make no real effort on a personal level with the people who were being hostile.
          “plus the endless male v female debates are draining)”
          Yes, and they go around in circles. Nothing is ever resolved.
          “but sometimes you just need a place where you can be completely honest about your fears, frustrations, needs, desires, and lusts …”
          My dear Adrian … I have been waiting to hear about your lusts for years … Tell Grandma Emily all. 🙂

        10. Adrian

          Hi Emily,

          You said,”Don’t you have a place on the meetup group website to describe the group?”

          I did describe it and the type of activities we would be doing. I think overall people just think meetup is a place to meet for dating-it’s usually much older people who try to use it for dating, like in their 50’s.

          I take one look at them (and their overweight out of shape bodies) and ask, ‘you are into extreme sports?’ Apparently all they saw was fun activities. I do get quite a few people who aren’t trying to use the meetup as a dating market but their idea of outdoor activities is hiking or camping, not mountain climbing or paragliding, and other extreme sports.

          People want the benefits of fun adventures without having to do any real heavy lifting by trying something new. But I don’t want to give up so I’ll keep trying. How is your meetup group going? What fun activities are you going to be doing?

          You said, “You walked into a company culture that was in place years before you got there”

          No these people are just bitter that they didn’t get the position, it shows their character not mine if they are willing to take it out on a me a person who had no say in the matter instead of accepting that they did or did not do things in their life that lead them to being where they are currently.

          You said, “Yes, and they go around in circles. Nothing is ever resolved”

          Ha! I’m just waiting for poor Marika to either faint from exhaustion or flip the F*ck out! From all the running and jumping from post to post she is doing in trying to put out fires, negotiate peace talks, and keep the gender wars from escalating in the comments.

          I’m going to have to think of a new NickName for her (o_O)

          ……………..

          Any thoughts on why Evan got rid of the latest comments tool bar that was on the side?

          First he got rid of the font tool and now this… I guess he is little worth in investing in the comments section.

        11. Evan Marc Katz

          I enjoy the banter but ultimately, I’m running a business. The regular commenters are not clients.

        12. Emily, to

          Adrian,
          “People want the benefits of fun adventures without having to do any real heavy lifting by trying something new. But I don’t want to give up so I’ll keep trying. ”
          I work with a guy who would love your meetup. He is constantly working out, setting goals and challenging himself. But I’m like most of your other members — my idea of a “hike” (I couldn’t even handle an “extreme sport”) is a 1-hour long stroll with a picnic at the end.
          “How is your meetup group going? What fun activities are you going to be doing?”
          Just finished the web page. It’s a movie group.
          “You said, “You walked into a company culture that was in place years before you got there””
          What I meant by company culture is that those people have probably been working together for years and have long-established working relationships that include jealousies, keeping score, bitchiness, etc. That has nothing to do with you but you walked into it. Anyone does who takes a new job. So I would just be pleasant, do your work and then, as you are doing, put your energy into making friends outside of work. Your co-workers aren’t worth your time.
          “I’m just waiting for poor Marika to either faint from exhaustion or flip the F*ck out! From all the running and jumping … keep the gender wars from escalating in the comments.”
          Marika should work for the UN. 🙂 Bless her hear, she’s such a sweet person.

        13. Marika

          Haha Adrian, yes, I’m exhausted!

          There’s always the reply button, you’ll get an email now, for instance, so you’ll see I replied.

          It’s probably a good thing. I mean what do I care if randoms hate the opposite sex or say unfair, mean things. I do care, really, but I probably shouldn’t.

          In terms of Meetup, can’t you make it so you have to approve new members? I mean of course 50 yo’s can do extreme sports (I have friends and acquaintances in that age group who are very fit and active), so don’t be so ageist, but you could get a sense from their other group memberships whether they are trying to use your group to expand their orgy circle or whatever.

          Personally I don’t have a problem with people using meetup to get dates too – I mean why not? I know a married couple who met through one of the groups I’m in. Good for them and their…fun adventures 😉 (actually they are both quite boring people – they aren’t having many fun adventures I don’t think!).

        14. Emily, to

          Marika,
          “Personally I don’t have a problem with people using meetup to get dates too – I mean why not?”
          I don’t have a problem with it, either, but the men I have encountered who go to meetups to meet women are very aggressive, as in they pounce the minute you walk through the door of the first meetup you’re attending with that group. Or they ask out large swaths of the female members, who of course are casually talking one day and discover that. Best case scenario is that two people go to the group’s events and develop a rapport over time.

        15. Adrian

          Hi Emily,

          I’m not sure if you’ll ever see this reply.

          You said, “Just finished the web page. It’s a movie group.”

          Hopefully you mean acting out movies and not just passively watching and discussion. You always appeared to me as an active person. Maybe not climbing mountains like me but not setting on the couch on the weekend either.

          You said, “Marika should work for the UN. 🙂 Bless her heart, she’s such a sweet person.”

          I don’t know… For some reason I get the feeling that Marika is like all those late 90’s movies were the sweet women goes home and does several hours of kickboxing.
          ………..

          Let me know when you group finally gets up and running so we can exchange war stories (^_^).

  10. 10
    mara

    why would you want a much older guy that is unfaithful to his current GF in the first place???
    Way to get STDs and a shitty guy that is not even yours lol

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *