Why Are So Many People Addicted To Online Dating?

Dear Evan,

Having the experience you do with online dating, I was wondering what you think about some of the psychology of online dating.  Is there a phenomenon of addiction to it?  I was wondering because it seems like so many people have profiles online either the same site or multiple sites for lengthy periods of time. I can search Match.com and then come back a year or two later and the same guys are still on the site and usually with the same picture.  Also, I dated a guy for a time who almost seems to be addicted.  What do you think?

Dear Barb,

There are two things going on in your question, and I want to address them separately:

First, let’s dispel the notion that there’s something wrong with someone who’s a) on Match.com two years after he signed up, and b) signed up for multiple dating sites.

Essentially, you’re saying, “I’m not a loser, player, commitmentphobe or dating addict, but any man who does the same thing that I’m doing must be.”

It’s pure hypocrisy. The only way you’d know if the same guy was on Match.com two years later is if YOU were on the site two years later. The only way you’d know that he’s also on eHarmony is if you’re ALSO on eHarmony. Essentially, you’re saying, “I’m not a loser, player, commitmentphobe or dating addict, but any man who does the same thing that I’m doing must be.”

So to set the record straight: going on multiple dating sites means that you’re looking to expand your options. Maybe your month ran out on JDate and you want to try SawYouAtSinai. Maybe the pickings were slim on Chemistry, so you branched out to PerfectMatch.

There is another myth in your question, Barb—the idea that someone who signed up on Match in January ‘06 and is still on in January ‘08 has been on for two consecutive years. Let’s say he dated seven people in his first two months and then found a happy relationship that lasted for a year and a half. After a month of mourning and attempted make-up sex, he reposts his profile once again. All YOU can see is that the same face is still on there, two years later, when, in fact, this guy is the perfect example of an online dating success. He loved, he lost, and he came back for more.

Yeah, I’M that guy….

Naturally, I’ve long been an advocate for online dating, not because it’s perfect, but because it ALWAYS created a love life for me. As a writer without a close-knit group of friends, who worked from home, and who bristled at the idea of picking up women at bars, this medium was a godsend. I had my first online girlfriend in 2000 for five months, fell in love in 2003 in a seven-month relationship, did it again in 2004 for four months, and had my last online girlfriend in 2006 for eight months. However, if you were watching my profile on JDate, you’d have assumed that I was online from 1998-2006 without any success.

In fact, in my dating heyday, I didn’t just try JDate. I tried Match, Chemistry, eHarmony, Nerve, AmericanSingles, Matchmaker… I’m probably even forgetting one or two places. You date someone for a month, you go back on. Three months, you go back on. Sometimes, when you leave, you don’t take your profile down—which leads you to be labeled an online dating addict by a woman who is on every single site herself.

And so it goes.

But you ARE onto something, Barb, which is that online dating CAN be addicting.

Just like alcohol can be used recreationally or abusively, so can Match.com. What’s similar is that the users always think that they’ve got it under control, and that nobody’s getting hurt in the process.

This is clearly not true.

There’s a delusional aspect to successful online dating—one that I’ve embodied—one that I’ve seen in my clients as well. You sign up on eHarmony because you’re serious about a relationship. You want marriage, you want kids, you’re ready for love. And then you start the process. Dozens of women parade across your screen, each younger, smarter, more attractive, more tantalizing than the last. Suddenly, you’re corresponding with 12 people online, have five phone numbers, and three dates scheduled in a weekend. This is not the GOAL, but an almost uncontrollable byproduct of the choice and volume inherent in online dating.

Don’t worry about the guys who seem like addicts. We’re all addicts—until we find the person who makes us want to kick our addiction.

And this is what gets lost on all the people who say that every man’s a player who’s just out to get laid. In fact, the vast majority of men (75% in an old Match poll) are looking for a long-term relationship. It’s just super difficult to settle on one person when you perceive that you have better options that are just a click away. This is the false temptation of online dating. We THINK we have the choice of everyone, when, in fact, we don’t. Why would I write to the 38 year old when I can write to the 28 year old? Why would you write to the guy who makes $50K when you could write to the guy who makes $150K? Or the 5’6” guy, when there’s bound to be a 5’10” guy somewhere in the system?

In real life, we meet people organically, feel attraction and learn about them later. We don’t know their age or their sign or their likes and dislikes. Online dating reverses that process. We learn about them first, and discover attraction later. This makes connecting easy and instantaneous, but it also allows us to dissect people and compare them to others side by side. And if you have anything going “against you”—height, weight, income, age—you’re often going to lose by comparison.

The real upshot, Barb, is that by understanding this—by being more open and forgiving of men, by keeping a positive attitude, by going on multiple sites, by persevering despite the frustration—you give yourself a much greater chance of success than if you said, “Online dating is bullshit, men are bullshit, I quit.”

Quitters never win. Winners never quit.

Don’t worry about the guys who seem like addicts. We’re all addicts—until we find the person who makes us want to kick our addiction.

Join our conversation (104 Comments).
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  1. 61


    Perhaps I’m not the typical woman, but on those rare occasions that a really, really good looking guy contacts me, I turn him down because I think…
    a. He’s only interested in sex or
    b. He’s fake — one of those oversees scammers or
    c. He’s playing games and just wants to make fun of me

    So, I really only respond to average guys. However, and I think this is important. Some average guys are attractive to me while others are not. Average does not equal unattractive.

    Based on what you are saying, it would appear that the only people dating online are women with beauty queen looks and men with movie star looks. I just find that had to believe. The people that I know who’ve met online are just normal looking, everyday men and women. So, what’s my point, you ask? It’s this. Not all average joes are created equal. So, I think average jane will reply to the average joe that she finds attractive. Perhaps your recon profiles should include a wider sample of average joes than only you. Just a thought.

    One last thought. JB, your own success online, while it may not be the quantity you want, proves that average guys do get some attention!

  2. 62

    JB, what makes you so sure that all those women you’re emailing with your fake recon profiles aren’t doing the same thing with you?

  3. 63

    I agree with you Kenley and btw I consider myself an “a little above average Joe” …lol maybe even a 6 on a good day. Never the less, of course putting up a few average Joe/Jane recon profiles might provide us with some addtional insight but it would be tedious to say the least. I agree with your statement that some average Janes will stay away from or ignore “hot” guys for the various reasons you state. You are right the term “average” is an opinion. 1 giant “grey area” of millions of profiles. I’m glad you and SOME women reply and initiate to average guys. I know for a fact that a guy is ecstatic if he gets emails from average Janes because just like women even if he isn’t interested it makes him feel good. And my own success online over the years bores out the fact that “I” like most men have to email 30 -50 to get 1 response and out of 10 responses I might get to the phone with 3 and meet 1. The odds of HER being one that was REALLY interested in is slim but it happens occssionally.Over all I’ve been averaging meeting about 1 woman a month and of course that’s not all 12 years of this. Over most of those years I was still meeting 90% (5 to 10 a week) in local drinking establishments that were “target rich” with 30-50 yr.olds at the time. These have since closed down in my area due to the smoking restrictions AND the horrible economy, forcing me to become a lot more online dependent (which I hate). I remember Evan once saying “you don’t want to hanging out in bars in your 40’s, do you ?” Of course no one wants to be labeled a “barfly” but it is fun going out and mingling with people your own age and having fun if it’s available in your area. Something to be said for meeting people “instantly” the old fashioned way. I’ve been doing it for years. So now like always I still do both but rely on the internet a lot more than I would like.

  4. 64

    Cilla: “JB, what makes you so sure that all those women you’re emailing with your fake recon profiles aren’t doing the same thing with you?”

    They might be. Anybody that’s ever been online knows they might be responding to a fake profile, an unrealistic profile, a profile that “s t r e t c h e s” the truth, a profile that blatantly lies about their age,weight,you name it. That’s all part of the game. That’s why NO ONE has, nor should you give them ANY VALUE until you qualify them by meeting FACE to FACE. All that being said,everyone on this blog like Evan said is fairly sharp and I think I’m pretty good at spotting a fake from a legit profile but of course not 100% of the time. It’s irrelevant really. It takes very little time & effort to initiate contact and play “email ping pong” for a bit until you go for a phone number close …lol

  5. 65
    new dating online

    We are all addicts until we find someone who is enough to make us quit. It’s the whole grass is always greener concept.

    1. 65.1

      The interesting thing is, as Evan says, there is the sheer volumne of available people which means it will take us a pretty long time to get to the one who will make us want to kick the addiction. Seems rather discouraging.

      1. 65.1.1

        Its not discouraging. I went out with 50 men over the course of 22 months. I found a great guy, neither of us hesitated to see who else was out there. If not for online, its very unlikely we would’ve ever met. I would probably still be single.

  6. 66

    Dear Evan,
    I couldn’t agree with you less.
    I was a novice, in early 2005 and spent several months as a member on a site, then two, then three, before opting out. However, over the years I have occassionally VISITED to do a search – just as your correspondent, Barb, did. 
    Like her, I am not a member. I do not have a profile posted and I am not perennially parked on a site – I am merely CONDUCTING A SEARCH. To my dismay, there they are, five years later – the same men with the same photos (talk about a dated representation). They’ve not even bothered to update their profiles.
    On the rare occasion that I did sign on again, every single time the very same men who had written to me previously scrambled to write to the new kind on the dating site block, not even remembering that we had “met” in cyberspace in the past.
    So, please give Barb a little slack for merely mentioning the obvious and submitting an innocent enquiry. She didn’t deserve to be castigated.

  7. 67

    As a very attractive fit 40 year old male without kids It has been impossible to connect online with quality women compatible with myself. Ironically Its the young women that respond well to me not the middle aged women, but my lifestyle and goals just arent partying and NSA sex with these young ladies and there friends. The real women that interest me older fit outdoorsy ladies with good careers like myself(and there are a lot of these profiles) completely ignore me. I wonder if I should just give up on older women and settle with a 20 somthing girl…

  8. 68
    Karl R

    Paul said: (#67)
    “I wonder if I should just give up on older women and settle with a 20 somthing girl…”

    If you can find one who is fit, outdoorsy and not into partying or NSA sex, why not?

    Date the women who want to date you. If I were in your position, I would divide my efforts between the younger women (seeing if they have the characteristics you seek) and the middle-aged women (seeing if they’re interested in responding to you).

  9. 69

    I honestly resist doing this. I think most of the communication we experience is non verbal and I refuse to go crazy meeting people who seem great on paper but with whom I don’t click. It must be exhausting! And I think that doing this too often may vice the way you look at relationship. Too short: off! Agnostic: off. Athletic: On! Seriously!! Nothing can replace the million sensations, perceptions, intuitions we have when we meet someone in person. One may think that online dating will eventually lead to this meetings and we narrow down our choices by the online selection. But I think it is a waste of time and energy (not in all cases, of course) because you may have realized you don’t click with this person immediately if you had met in a class or a party. I am mediterranean, I like life and authenticity. This is the MacDonalds of love…not for me.

  10. 70

    being new to this online stuff I thought was going to be great, until I ran into a guy ( who at the time I thought was great) turned out to be a guy that jumps from dating site to dating site looking for his next big bed thrill. I have tried to see and understand what makes him tick and why he doesnt see the emotional damage he is doing to these ladies that open thier hearts and trust to him.. he plays it smooth and acts like he cares but in reality he could care less.. I just sometime wish I could help the poor next victim that he is pursuing.. I have learned he has been doing this for well over 10 years.. and the amount of woman he has hurt is crazy!!.. these sites can be good.. but also with guys that use them like this guy does..they are hurtful and makes a person shut down.. yes, I was one of his victims.. great lesson learned. sad but true.

  11. 71

    Just some observations:

    I’ve heard from other men too many women are prof. daters. Can’t understand that sort of desperation/manipulation myself.

    Online dating also nearly turned me into a man hater (responding to the misogynist comment above) so I can relate! Now THAT is scary, sad and pathetic. But unlike a lot of people I’ve found love (of a sort) online during the past 3 years, had in other words about 4 mini-relationships, love affairs, only to have them peter out after a while because these men weren’t worthy of me frankly. Til my current squeeze, the longest relationship I’ve had was 1+ year but that only with a friends with benefits, infrequently. But I gave him unconditional love, he responded very powerfully to that, so he couldn’t give me up I think. I made him feel safe, respected, understood.

    Evan is right- men online pretend they are pursued, but most aren’t. I can spot the fakey “cool” ones a mile away! 🙂 Many don’t pursue with me unless I actively pursue them (their ego gets involved too much). When I notice that I figure they lack confidence/passion/balls (I’m into alpha men I’ve decided) so it’s a real dealbreaker for me. I won’t pursue a man hotly- just not my nature.

    Imo another major reason men fail with women online is lack of follow-thru. Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker) has noted this. Men, follow thru during the early stages of a relationship! Show you care. Text/email/IM- do what it takes to nurture the relationship during the early stages. Men get too complacent, too fast, so women move on. We are often insecure so it just hurts too much.

    I think men primarily look for sex, but women like to conquer men emotionally…..

    My current squeeze (and we have great chemistry) falls into this category, but it’s just the way he is, his work schedule so I put up with it. I’ve been around him long enough to know he really likes me so trust him.

    I disagree online dating coaches are a dime a dozen. I’ve learned so much from Evan it’s not funny. His advice was what was missing imo.

  12. 72

    There are simply too many serial daters on these online dating sites. I’ve come to the realization a while ago that the type of man I want to be in a relationship is VERY unlikely to be found on a dating site. 

    I have to agree with Gabby and Barb that you tend to see the same guys on various dating sites, and for a really long period of time. To most women, that will mean nothing good. 

    I’ve met my ex on a dating site and while the relationship was fantastic in the beginning, I came to discover things that I never wanted in a man. Things I always secretly accused online daters of. He simply didn’t make an effort at all. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t that he wasn’t into me, it simply was that he didn’t know how to do things. Relationships require effort, spending hours on a dating site sending flirty messages doesn’t require that much effort. I do not know if he used dating sites during our relationship, but I do know he went back shortly after the break up. He still uses the same pictures (some are ten years old) and still has the same profile where he claims to be “very romantic” and let me tell you he’s the least romantic person I ever met. His profile is also as old as his oldest account on a dating site. He still claims he was in Asia “last year”, which was now several years ago. It’s rather amusing to read someone’s profile when you actually know them. He also claims to want kids, when I thought I was pregnant he threatened me and said that if I didn’t get an abortion he’d dump me. Nice, huh? 

    I’ve had another bad experience with someone I’d met online, but will not go into details. 

    I’m sure there are decent men out there, but for me personally, it’s just not worth it to wade through all the serial daters and commitment-phobes who’d rather go on meaningless dates and indulge in online conversations with several women at the same time, than to actually build something with a woman.  

  13. 73

    I totally DON’T agree with Evan.  For being on dating website, it doesn’t always mean the person is looking.
    I once got to know a guy on a dating website.  He went on that site as a paid member, so of course, he was more serious in “looking” and he was entitled to be contacted by any member.  I was just an ordinary member.  I didn’t feel it worth my money to be there just to look around.
    We talked.  We went along well until we decided to meet for real.  I didn’t talk about removing the profile.  I removed mine, and considered a prudence with common sense should know what to do with the profile when you start to see someone seriously.
    Removing my profile doesn’t mean I have to completely take my eyes away from his behavior.  So, from time to time, I visited that dating website. I didn’t even have to sign up to see his activity there.  As a paid member at the highest VIP level, he can be noticed by anyone.
    I considered have full right to learn, check, get to know the man who goes out see me for real, we date, we spent time together.  Heattempt to use me by making me believe he is honest and worth my trust.  I have the right to see his movement either from the side he wanted me to know, or from other dimensions.  My second profile represented nobody… no photo… fake age and location.  I saw him got back on that website again again and again.  During three years that I got to know him, I was able to collect six of his profiles with different name, some with same photos, some with different.  Details of the profiles are slightly different from each other.  The last profile said he was looking for a wife, while he still came to see me us normal. 
    Believe it or not… this guy chatted to me on Skype on one screen and still jerked around on the dating website on another screen, as I saw both.
    I went vanish.  I don’t think I owe him even a goodbye word.  He loved to diluted his value from “better than nothing” to “nothing is better.” He belongs to the online world forever… enjoy looking until you go six feet under…mannnn….

  14. 74
    Trent Panko

    While there are exceptions, I have found the following with online dating:
    (1) The women have over-inflated egos and simply don’t know their value.  This is due in large part to the unrealistic competition online.  I’m sure they have a rude awakening when they step foot outside the door.
    (2) The majority of women online are lower class (not that there’s anything wrong with that).  They’re seeking a savior, someone to give them a passcard to happiness in life. 
    (3) Due to 1 & 2 above, sleeping with them, not dating them, is a viable option.  I just simply wouldn’t consider ‘dating’ the vast majority of these undateables. From unattractive/unemployed/zero ambitions/serial daters/time-wasters, the list goes on and on.
    Now, we could chalk this up to bad luck and while I have met some quite nice, educated, attractive women, they are far/few between.  The effort required is not worth the benefit received.  People simply are…different, online.
    If you want someone you can relate to and start off on a good foot, online dating is not the reliable option for long-term dating. 

  15. 75

    Paul 67,

    I’ve had a similar experience and I have similar goals.  I’m a 38 yo, attractive and fit male with a good job and salary and a good amount of dating experience.

    I would love to meet a mid-30’s girl but they seem to be the least receptive of the bunch.  When I do begin to date one, they tend to be saddled with baggage, sabotage the potential realtionship or just write me off all together.  As opposed to the late 30, early 40’s or even sometimes late 20’s women that project a much better outlook and attitude towards the whole process.

    I’ve been online for a while so I can’t be a hypocrite but I do tend to see the same mid-30 somethings on there month after month.  Conversely, the late 20 somethings and early 40 somethings don’t stick around as long.

  16. 76

    I am mediterranean, i like life and authenticity, this is the macdonald’s of love!! Lol!!!! Luca, I totally agree. Online dating totally and completely is the mcdonalds of love. Except if you want we should totally go out because i liked your comment 😉
    I too completely despise online dating. I tried it briefly and realized it just takes wayyy to much time of chatting about nonsense relative to going out; and I personally have no patience for it.  Also, I recently went out with someone that was more addicted to their online dating prospect than to me; which I didn’t appreciate because if he had any common sense he would realize that he’s losing out on real people in his social circle. My plan for the next couple of months: FIND NEW things to do and NEW places to go out, and the dates will take care of themselves; they always do.

  17. 77

    I have noticed the same thing. Where I may be off of a site for a couple of years, then re-join, and recognize about 25% of the members from 2 years earlier.  I think the only time Id call someone “addicted” is when they spend excessive amounts of time on dating sites. Like spending several hours every day at home and at work. 
    Also, I would point out something that may be classified as “online dating addiction”. As far as I know only women do this. Use online dating as a way to boost their ego and self esteem.   Many women who are too old to go to night clubs anymore will use internet dating as a way to get endless compliments from men validating that they still “got it”. This is more common then you may think. I have talked to several women who advised me they have no intention of ever meeting any men from the online dating sites but they get a real confidence boost from all the compliments men give them every day on the sites. If your using internet dating as a way to boost your ego and spending many hours daily on the sites that may be classified as ‘addiction’.

  18. 78

    I agree with Jadee:
    In the meantime, where does one look to meet a quality date?
    If I knew where to meet men outside of online dating that would actually be interested in me, I’d do it.

  19. 79

    I’ve joined on-line dating on and off for a couple of years, had some enjoyable dates (and some not so) but I come off the sites disillusioned. It’s like dating becomes a habit and not because your addicted but you become ‘seasoned’ to it. It’s nice to meet guys you wouldn’t normally meet, have interesting conversations, nice coffees and dinners but there’s always something missing. A girl (I’m 47) can become too independent, that it becomes difficult to know who really is the ‘guy’ here. I’m not unattractive, I’m told I’m charismatic, bubbly, with lots going for me but I keep ‘friend-zoning them’. We both arrive at the date with too many expectations… you may have worked up an image in your head from all the messaging and maybe the odd phone call, or it turns out your date lied about their age, their photos was too old etc.etc.. Now I stay have the coffee/drink and to be polite say ‘let’s be friends’ (as if we’re still at school) And I wonder why I’m still single!!  Then one date too many I decide enough is enough and I leave the site until a time comes when I sit at home or at a party and think it would be so much better to enjoy it with someone. So the dating circle starts again……. I now I’m not alone otherwise there wouldn’t be so many sites out there.

  20. 80

    One thing though, is that a true addict, I mean one that is literally addicted to online dating  – will actually never find the one that makes them give up the addiction.  I think there are some true addicts out there in online dating.  Let’s say someone who has been online dating for years and yet never has had a even 3 month relationship with someone, they might have an addiction.  I think addiction is real, and shouldn’t be tossed aside to say if “the one” comes around the addict will kick their addiction.  True addicts don’t kick addictions because nothing lives up to the reality of the chase of all those brain chemicals.  I think that should be incorporated into this article because there are some people like Evan says that have relationships and go back on the sites, but there are some that only go on 1, 2, 3 dates cause they truly are addicted to the online dating. 

    Also, I think now some men are actually using the sites as their new soft porn, engaging their fantasies on real women in sexy outfits, with the potential that they can have them, not as elusive as Hollywood movie star, but still might be out of their reach.   

    I don’t suggest that people can’t find true love online, I only suggest that true addicts to online dating do exist.  

    1. 80.1

      I met my fiancé online. We would have never met otherwise. We’ve been together for 1.5 years now. We both deleted our online profiles and are committed to one another. He recently made another profile on the site. He has it hidden and just uses it to view women. I believe he is addicted to looking at women on dating websites. All he does it look. Looks at hundreds of profiles a day. He tells me he’s not talking to anyone and he’s shown me his messages to prove it. But he just can’t resist the urge to have access to hundreds of women’s pictures in his phone. He loves to look and judge. I know he would never cheat and would never jeopardize our relationship. But I think he is addicted to either dating sites, or just uses them because it gives him access to all these women that he can look at. I’m not sure what to think.

      1. 80.1.1

        Hi Heather, I think you have a real issue here.  Have you asked him to stop looking online and explained how it makes you feel and yet he does it anyway?  I think it sounds like red flag behavior and not a behavior that you should ignore.  I do suggest that you talk with a therapist.  So on your honeymoon would he also do this and how would you feel?  What if you get pregnant, in the hospital will he be on his phone looking at women?  If he isn’t addicted and he wants to justify his behavior with bogus rationalizations then why doesn’t he just stop because it bothers you and he of course wants to make his future wife happy?  I think this is a serious issue that you need a professional to help you with, or talk to him directly and tell him that  you need for this behavior to stop.

        1. Heather

          Hi Amy,
          Well he doesn’t use it when I’m around. It’s mostly while he’s at work when he takes a break or when he’s home alone and I’m off doing something else (shopping, work, etc.). And I don’t believe he uses it every day. Just some days when he’s at work and is having a slow day(he does construction work.).  I am planning on speaking to a psychologist about this, without my fiancé around. Then perhaps we can do some couples counseling about this. I mean, Im not over the moon upset about this, because I trust him and know that he’s not doing anything really wrong. But it still bothers me that he has a profile on a dating site when he is not single and looking for someone.

        2. Rachel

          Heather, it Shud bother u, its dodgy!! Amys rite! im *Not* trying to burst your bubble at all. and not trying to put down online dating.i just started online dating & only dated 1 guy & got So lucky cuz hes amazing & adores me, so i want all women  to haf a great romance too! but your situation sounds dodgy to me! not that hes not serious about u of course! but amys rite that there seems to be a Real problem there. i think if u asked 10 friends, 9 would agree, guys or gurls.

      2. 80.1.2

        Hi Heather, That is great that you will see a therapist regarding this.  You said that he’s not single and looking for someone.  However, he actually is LOOKING, whether he plans on now or ever taking action is the question.  Just because he is hidden doesn’t mean he can’t message anyone.  I think where the issue is these women are available or might be and personally I would be concerned that if there was a time and there will be, when there are relationship issues or lows, that his behavior would worsen.  If it bothers you, and it should, then I really think he should stop, if he can’t stop then he has a probelm and I would personally be concerned that it would worsen.  It’s great that you will get counseling.   Just remember whatever red flags there are now, will still be there after marriage and they could also worsen (I know, I am divorced).  For me, the biggest deal breaker wouldn’t just be that he’s looking, it would be if I expressed how uncomfortable I am with it and he refused to stop and continued to justify his behavior instead – that would be the biggest red flag, 2nd would be the actual behavior of him browsing.  Best of luck.

  21. 81

    to fancynancy post 76
    too much chatting of nonsense relative to going out?
    okayy i think mayb this is using online datg in a not so good way. i noe many people do it like that but i dont think its a good use of time. i just started online datg and met one guy (awesum person!!!) and we did 2 emails each then we met up. went on 3 dates already. i dont believe in the practise of emailing and talking on hp for many weeks or even months then going to meet and then mayb finding u don’t click!
    im not an expert, just a newby but that is my own feeling. meet up quickly becos otherwise it makes it tiring and spoils the experience? its like if u meet some1 in real life, u dont chat on the hp for 2 months before finally goin on a date! i think its good to treat online dating as much like reallife dating as possible. 😉 my 0.02

  22. 82

    I read a lot of the advice online and I was ready to be very open to meeting a variety of men. I initiated contact with men who had nice profiles, interesting profiles, funny and sweet profiles. As far as looks go, I was open to people I found attractive but open to ok looking to very nice looking as people do look different in person. After 6 months I only had 4 responses, all of whom I met in person. All basically went ok. There was only one who I would have liked to have seen again but he wasn’t interested. Now one man stretched the truth about his height- he was very nice and I enjoyed meeting him but we were at different stages in life as his centered around grandchildren and it was a shock when he stood up that he wasn’t even 5 feet tall. Now actually I don’t blame him for not telling the truth as he would have a hard time if he did.  If I was ten years older I would have been more interested. I went into it saying to myself that it will be fun to meet and talk to all different kinds of men. But really 4 responses after 6 months of sending out smiles and such? I’m told I’m quite attractive , smart and fun but I didn’t get far at all.  I ended up quitting after meeting the last guy who was 5 years younger and during our meeting he told me how he goes out with a minimum of 3-4 women a week. Now I’m sure he is exaggerating but it made me realize this is more of a man’s game than a woman’s. As for first dates I love the idea of doing something free as it takes the pressure off both sides. Anyway I may try again but honestly it made me feel worse about myself, where I was happier being alone before I tried online dating. Surely that wasn’t supposed to happen 

  23. 83

    Interesting. I don’t go on dating sites but my on-off partner seems quite addicted to ‘shagabag.com. He has mental health issues and an addictive personality. Good luck ladies!! I maintain contact purely for practical reasons (no-one, but no-one is all bad) and watch the procession of disposable bags with amusement.

  24. 84

    So ladies and Gentlemen

    This post is interesting because most sites have only women talking, and most addiction sites only refer to men being addicted. Addiction is not limited to any race, religion, sex…

    I recently am ending a relationship in which both of us are alcoholics. I am a true alcoholic. Not to pin a label on her but she is alcoholic as well, it takes one to know one.

    So with any addict/alcoholic there are vices or other things we get addicted to. With drugs and alcohol there is the physical addiction when using, but when clean and sober there is the mental obsession. So follow me here, addiction vs obsession.

    Therefore I do not understand if there is a physical addiction to dating sites. I do not think it is an actual addiction, but an obsession of the mind. There is no chemical to be addicted to, the same as gamblers or shopaholics. It is an obsession.

    I find people with obsession disorders are more troubled than addicts, more easier to have cross addiction/obsessions to everything in there life.

    After a year of suspicions and lies I found my girlfriend was seeing other people, was on dating site, chatting with other men on FB and going on dates with strangers. I was in denial the whole time, did not want the truth. I confronted her and even though I had evidence of the lies and the cheating she still lied or tried to change the subject or stated she did not remember.

    Ladies and Gentlemen, if you get into a relationship with someone who you know is lying and cheating and they say they will never do it again, get out of the relationship. An obsessed person will always promise not to do it again but they will. Especially sex addicts.

    I am 58 years old, been married twice, keep picking the wrong type, I am not perfectt maybe do it again, but just some advice.

    Get out if there are doubts, if trust is broken it never comes back. You spend the rest of your life feeling stupid. There are many good people out there not on dating sites, get off the computer, and go meet somebody who is real, you do not have to be in a relationship, it will come when it comes.


  25. 85

    Something I missed to say was, we are both sober alcoholics.

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