Why Do Women in Their 30s Not Want to Date Men in Their 40s?

I’m a 42 year old single male who recently left a 5 year relationship for various reasons, but mainly because I wanted kids and she did not. I thought that since I was an attractive, fit, well-educated, financially and emotionally secure guy that I would have no problem finding a woman in her mid 30s to settle down with and start a family. I have tried a combination of online dating, speed dating, professional singles events, volunteering, happy hours etc. and have had very few dates over the past year. I thought that online dating would be great since you are essentially pre-screening people for dates. I have found that I get no responses from any women online and the only women who respond to my ad are usually much older and don’t meet any of my criteria outlined in my profile.

I am told that women want to settle down and have kids, etc., but their actions seem to be to the contrary. At singles events, women come in groups and are reluctant to talk to men. In online situations, women say they want desperately to meet a nice guy like me, but never answer my response to their profile. I am trying to remain positive, but two things are really bothering me. One, that younger women are no longer interested in dating men who are even just slightly (3-5 years) older than them and sometimes want to date men 5-10 years younger then them. Two, women seem to be content in the fact that they are independent and self-sufficient and have a career, family and friends that fulfills them and don’t seem to be interested in truly finding a relationship. I find the latter hard to believe, but find this mantra in every profile of every professional woman online. Any advice on how to navigate these new paradigms in the dating world?


Dear Adam,

You came to the right place.

And to directly address your email, I have to divide my response into two different parts: 1) What You’re Getting Right and 2) What You’re Missing.

Let’s start with What You’re Missing. We’ll do What You’re Getting Right next week.

Why Do Women in Their 30s Not Want to Date Men in Their 40sWhat you’re missing is that what you want has absolutely no relation to what women want. We’ve addressed this before, from an older man who couldn’t possibly fathom why a younger woman wouldn’t want to be with him. This isn’t all that much different. We can complain that the opposite sex is unrealistic and passing up great opportunities – and we’d be right – but it doesn’t change that people want what they want. It’s not fair. It’s not right. It just IS.

From 25-34, men play around a lot. Why? Because they can. They have a lot of dating options, they’re building their careers, and there isn’t a clear urgency to settle down.

Once a guy crosses 35, however, he (theoretically) tends to get more serious.

What you’re missing is that what you want has absolutely no relation to what women want.

Alas, the women with whom he wants to get serious are 27-34. This gives men time to court, fall in love, travel together, move in, get engaged, and enjoy a few years of childless marriage before starting a family.

The problem is that many women from 27-34 are independent professionals just like their male peers. They, too, have a lot of dating options, are busy building their careers, and don’t have a clear urgency to settle down.

Then she hits 35. Theoretically, this is when she starts to get more serious. This is also when all the problems start.

Because 35-40-year-old men who are ready to settle down still want to have time before becoming dads. Thus, their target market remains women, 27-34 – who may not be ready to settle down quite yet. These women still have money to make, places to travel and oats to sow.

The 35-40-year-old women who ARE ready for marriage, unfortunately, are roundly ignored by the men they desire – their 35-40-year-old peers. These women are youthful and find themselves far more attracted to men in their 30’s than their 40’s.

…the bigger takeaway is that ALL of us are very judgmental on age.

Which brings us to you, Adam. You say you’re looking for a woman in her mid-30’s. That’s perfectly fair. But if none of them are looking for you, your wheelhouse is going to be women in their late 30’s to early 40’s:

Find the people who want you. It’s the same exact advice I give to women in their early 40’s who want men in their early 40’s…except men in their early 40’s want women in their 30’s.

And around and around we go.

I’m being a bit unfair, Adam, because there IS a market for a 42-year-old man – and you can certainly be doing better than you’re currently doing. Pick up a copy of Finding The One Online and it should make a difference. Seriously. But the bigger takeaway is that ALL of us are very judgmental on age. To a 34 year old woman, 42 sounds OLD. To a 42-year-old man who wants his own biological children, anything above 36 is getting into risky territory. The lesson to all of you younger readers: take your love life seriously when you turn 30, instead of waiting until you’re 35 or 40.

Join our conversation (1,790 Comments).
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  1. 691

    My opinion is 42 years old is a little late to start a family.  Many do it and as some have mentioned, many women  are worried about the health and quaility of children a 42 year old father will produce.  Come 50 even some of the most fit people start to have health issues so … as a woman you are trying to raise your family and now have to worry about the health of your spouse.   If you are a young woman with an old man, you get your family raised and now you have a very old man hence your years of kicking up your heels may be sitting at home taking care of yet another person, your old man.  I don’t want to sound cruel but any person, male or female waiting beyond 35 to be serious about starting a family, there are some real serious issues.  While I don’t believe there is a “must do timeline”, children require energy and as science is showing us the quaility of our eggs and sperm means we should be making babies in the back seat of a car.  Ok that part is a joke but is is closer than any of us would like to believe.  My mother always said, if you wait to have kids when you have the money you will never have kids.  This comes from parents who had 8 children and we were rather poor in money but rich in family.  So … you chose your riches.   Another topic is unfortunately divorce.  Even people who marry much older aren’t fairing much better with divorce.  As a 50 year old woman who is divorced and have raised (and loved it) my 3 chilrden I do not want to get in a relationship with anyone that has young children.  I have raised my family, done my time scraficing time and moeny and now I want to kick up my heels and enjoy my freedom.  I have had numerous men who did find someone younger to start a family with but now are in their 50s divorced and no woman wants to date do to their family baggage.  And, this piece isn’t about financial this is about freedom.  I have had several men want to date and have told me they keep running into this issue.  So … maybe all of us that were making babies in the back seat of a car had it right 🙂  I am not well traveled but I am well loved by my children.  Anthony, I hope you find the woman you are looking for.  For people that are under 35, Anthony is shedding light on a very important topic that you may not want to get stuck in as well.  Many, many women have a well thought out position on their babies daddy and usually it doesn’t involve someone signifcantly older.

    1. 691.1

      I had my boys at 24 and 26; I had my girl at 32. I didn’t eat for two with her, but I sure did sleep for two. I can’t imagine following a newborn’s schedule at 40. Yes, I know women do and have done it and done it successfully. But kids take a lot of time and energy. I’m glad I did it young.

      1. 691.1.1

        I think there are probably benefits to having kids while younger and benefits to having kids older. The things I know now are much more valuable then what I knew when I was in my early 20s. Although I agree that we have more energy when we are younger, we have more knowledge when we are older.

        I don’t think it’s very cool that women or men try to begrudge other’s choices of when to have kids. We tend to like to believe that the choices we make where the best ones when the truth is that any choice we make in our own lives becomes the best choice for us as individuals.

        So Nancy and Starthrower – that’s great you are happy with your choice to have kids young. But in my own life, I’m going to be a better Mom at this age than I ever personally could have been at 20. Even if I will be a tired one. And please understand that I am in no way suggesting that both of you weren’t great Moms in your 20s. I just needed a little longer to discover who I was and to learn some lessons along the way. Not everyone’s life should look the same. If someone has the love to give to a child, then that’s what matters.


  2. 692
    Charlie girl

    Jumping to the destination is depriving yourself of the journey.(courtship). All that matters is love! Everything else will just fall into place. Put whats important first and all things will be given unto you. Besides a woman who is only wanted to re-procreate will never fully feel loved, she’ll always wonder if any ole gal came along it wouldn’t have made a difference in the world, almost like you aren’t seeing their face just  womb where their head is supposed to be.  And always remember all things happen for a reason.

  3. 693

    Truth is, you waited too long to start a family. Most women in the age group you are seeking already have kids and if not most will want someone closer to their own age. Some men get paunchy and old looking quickly after 40- sad to say.  That being said, I don’t think there is anything wrong with stating exactly what you want in your profile as you don’t have more time to waste, but yes there will be limited interest. I’m 37 and think why is a 42 yr old man, just now looking to have kids. What was he doing all that time? Fulfilling selfish interests, sewing his oats, or could he not maintain a relationship? That may not be the truth, but 42 is old to have not settled down.

  4. 694

    I was doing some research and came across this interesting thread.  I am 47, and I have dated women from 21-38 the last few years.  I don’t think it is an age issue so much as it is a -reliability issue.  My personality puts me with younger women. Women my age are often – grown and not interested in the things I am.
    Being somewhat of a clown, and I very much avoided growing up to be a mature and dull person. You can be stable, mature and exciting.  That is the thing who wants to be with someone boring and dry?
    Having kids is a wonderful thing, having kids with the wrong person can be hell! Get a good person first and work on the kids second is my line of thinking. I think the big thing is appearance – sad but true we all are books that are judged by our covers.
    I would also suggest meeting women offline the age thing does not come up later, if at all. Most thought I was 36 at the oldest so that perhaps can help you.

  5. 695

    Let us not forget that many women opt out of kids because they are a pain. It’s always “professional” this or “career” that….you know, we’re the jerks who choose career over kids. Nah. Many of us want our freedom. Women still have to lug the kid around at our nipples and bear a physically brutal pregnancy/birth. It ain’t all about you, dudes. Men are not entitled to reproducing anymore than they’re entitled to sex. Those that claim they are are probably rapist-type misogynists. Women shouldn’t use men for sperm or money either. But seriously….if you are looking to impregnant a woman and not get to know her first.. .and cherish her for who she is whether she wants to bear your kids or not…you’re not worth her time.

    1. 695.1

      My perfect woman is late 30’s to late 40s, who doesn’t want kids, or whose kids are grown.  At a minimum, it is preferable that they be older teenagers who will be off to college soon.  This way we can concentrate on each other, not kids.

  6. 696

    Reading this article and the comments below make me very happy to not be in the online dating world.  I just hit 40 and I’m recently divorced after a mostly-happy 20-year marriage to a wonderful woman (we still care a lot for each other just grew apart since we married each other in our late teens).  My now ex-wife is in a good relationship with a guy she met online but she’s told me about her experience online dating before she met him and it didn’t sound so fun.

    I’ve side-stepped the whole enterprise inadvertently by moving to Medellin, Colombia.  I’m retired from the US military so I have a pension, plus I’m an entrepreneur with businesses online and can work from anywhere with decent Internet connectivity, so when my ex and I made the painful decision to part ways I had the freedom to travel and the desire to make a fresh start in an exciting new location, and moved here.

    The gender climate is completely different here in Colombia, which makes the dating culture different as well of course.  Having been married almost my entire adult life I was spared having to navigate the maddening gender politics of American society and how that makes dating (especially online) a real nutroll, but I feel sympathy for both sexes up there.  From my point of view it’s more like online shopping than online dating, there are the Amazon Best Sellers who get lots of attention and the rest get ignored regardless of their suitability or compatibility.
    Here in Colombia gender roles are more clearly defined and the Colombians are just fine with that.  Colombian women want their men to be men – strong-willed, confident, capable, romantic.  Here I can approach a woman of any age and start a conversation, invite her to dance, compliment her style, etc and she’ll take it as a compliment and understand that it’s the nature of a man to do such things.  She won’t see it as “creepy” or some sort of verbal assault or mental rape like a lot of American women seem to in that situation.  Yet I hear all the time from American women that they wish guys would grow a pair and ask them out. 

    The truth must be that American women have a mindset that only men they prequalify as acceptable partners should approach, and if a guy isn’t up to her unknowable standards, he should know better and deserves a hostile rebuff.  When did a polite display of interest become so offensive to American women?  This is confounding to men and puts a lot of guys in a damned-if-they-do, damned-if-they-don’t mentality when it comes to showing interest. 

    That leaves only two types of guys to approach women:  those who are exceptionally good-looking and know they can get away with just about anything, and those who just don’t give a rip how women feel about their advances, they know it’s a numbers game and some women will accept them.

    The attraction to “bad boy” types has to have something to do with that mistake of seeing lack of concern for feelings or consequences as confidence, independence, strength and all sorts of good male virtues.  And since the “nice guys” have been conditioned to think that following their male instincts makes them predatory beasts they’d rather wait for that perfect divine signal that it’s ok to make the most humble and cautious display of admiration possible.  The whole thing does my head in.

    Getting back to the topic of this article, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that American women in their 30s are looking for men their age or somewhat younger.  In today’s age of endless dating “choice” via online dating sites, they all seem to want that Amazon Best Seller – the 6’2″, 28-year-old highly successful professional with 8% bodyfat who knows where to buy the best cheese in Paris and just spent a year in Africa saving babies from cancer.  And they all feel entitled to be with him and no one less worthy. 

    To me that’s fine.  Swing for the fences ladies, men do.  But please, enough with the BS rationalizations about the virility and vitality of men 35 and up.  You want a stud with six-pack abs and a full head of hair, that’s cool.  Own it.  We aren’t insecure about younger dudes the way many woman are about younger women.  Know what I want to do to a 22-year-old man when I see him with a hot cougar?  Give him a high-five when she isn’t looking.  We can remember being younger men and we can remember having the hots for an older woman.  We don’t see cougars dating young men of age as predators.  Seeing an older man with a younger woman should be seen as two grown-ups doing what they want to do, not a poor messed-up girl with daddy issues and a perverted dirty-old-man taking advantage of her.  Such a bunch of crap.  Men own our reasons for being attractive to women who are young or at least youthful.  It’s in our genes to select mates who are in their prime childbearing years whether we consciously want to reproduce or not.  It’s been scientifically proven we see specific hip:waist ratios and facial symmetry as attractive for those reasons, just as women select successful, tall and handsome guys because it’s in their genes to look for social standing, dominance and healthy gene expression in their mates.  It’s a shame we can’t just be honest about all of this.

    Thankfully here in Colombia, both genders are more honest about things and don’t have the hang-ups Americans have.  Younger men with older women, younger women with older men, it’s all good here.  Age differences don’t always make people less compatible, sometimes it makes them more so.  Age seems to me to be blown out of proportion in the States, but when dating is a process of comparing demographic statistics and reading the tea leaves of contrived self-descriptions to find an ideal partner, stereotypes make convenient time-savers.  As for me, I think I’ll keep side-stepping that mess and use the money I’d spend on dating site memberships on salsa lessons instead.

    1. 696.1

      Bill, clearly you are just an old stick in the mud who can’t handle an empowered woman, and prefer subservient women with no education or job prospects.
      Or, maybe you just prefer a feminine woman with a healthy weight, who values a man for simply being a man, just as you value a woman for simply being a woman.

      1. 696.1.1


        Old stick in the mud because I moved abroad?  No.  Fit, creative, adventurous and passionate is who I am.  

        Maybe you didn’t read my comment very well, but I didn’t move to Colombia to find a woman.  I love American women.  I just prefer the dating scene here where you don’t have the gender wars and online shopping dating like you do in the States.  FYI, my American former wife of 20 years, who is still like my best friend, is a highly educated professional and world-class athlete. She was a USA national champion weightlifter.  How’s that for empowered?

        It’s absurd and ignorant to assume as you have that any man who moves abroad or dates a woman from a different culture does so because he can’t handle an empowered woman, even more so to assume he needs a “subservient” woman who is only with him because she has no other prospects.  

        Your comment also infers that Colombians are all uneducated and live in squalor.  Another ignorant stereotype.  Medellin was declared by the Wall St Journal as the world’s Most Innovative City last year and is home to more than two dozen universities.  I can tell you it’s a more livable city than where I lived before in Ohio.  

        If you think the only women worth dating are in your own backyard, you seriously need to get out more.  And truly empowered American women aren’t threatened by a guy who isn’t afraid to make a life where he chooses on his own terms, and look for love wherever he might find it either.  Defensive and ignorant comments like yours don’t do American women any favors.

        1. RustyLH

          Sorry Bill, I should have put a smiley face after the first part.  I was simply beating some of the women to the punch with a joking/sarcastic reply, but then, I agreed with you in the second paragraph.  I thought that would be enough for you to spot that i wasn’t serious in the first paragraph.

      2. 696.1.2

        See Rusty, it’s that grace thing again. I’m sure you want women you find worthy to forgive any flaws that you have but you don’t quite want to do the same. Now nobody’s telling you you’re bad for having preferences and all but you want to keep hammering away with it.  I can gather from some of your posts you had a ducky ex. But the things is, you’re not really winning the hearts and minds of women. I’m sure you know by now you can’t change women anymore than women can change men.  And while EMK pulls no punches, he gives his advice in a grace-filled way that is more conducive to making women want to change.  I don’t deny that you are correct on some things but truth is often better served up with grace. So really, what’s the bottom line other than to tell us what lousy people we are?  Because we have read you loud and clear.

  7. 697


    I like your blog and for the most part I agree with your advice.  But a few comments you made regarding Filipina women were uninformed and downright offensive.
    You inferred that they don’t speak English and that if a Filipina marries a Western man it’s usually just a trade of a foreign visa in exchange for a servile woman.  That’s a terrible and ignorant assumption.
    English is one of the two official languages of the Philippines and widely spoken fluently there, for starters.  I’ve traveled there extensively and know a few ex-military friends who met and married Filipina women while stationed there.  They were still married years and years after their wives obtained legal residency and citizenship, they have children together, and seem pretty happy. 

    Has it ever occurred to you that it’s possible that many Western men find foreign women appealing for the values they have?  Or vice versa? 
    I am not saying that there is something wrong with Western woman.  But to say that a Western woman is the right match for every Western man is kind of ignorant, kind of culturally elitist or both.  It takes all kinds to make the world go round my friend.  “The rest of us adults will find a Western woman who is an equal…” what a load of crap!  An “adult” is someone who does what makes him or her happy, not what some high-horse egocentric xenophobic societal pressure dictates.
    Hopefully that will be the last time I read such an ill-informed bit of advice from you, because for the most part what you write here is spot on.

  8. 698

    First of all, you are all crazy (: No matter the age, it comes down to this – figure out that no one is perfect, every one says or does something stupid they can’t take back – almost daily – excuse it with a good attitude & you’ll be the better person & may even get an apology later. If you want change…change yourself first.  Make sure you click with the other person; if you have similar interests, things will never get boring & you’ll never wonder what your spouse is doing, because they’ll be next to you on an adventure.  Men are very simple, they want a nice looking gal with big boobs, they want sex – at least 3 times a week, cold beer, hot food, & babies to pass on their name, oh & a fat retirement account, but not a fat wife. Seriously, if you are over 170 lbs. you need a reality check or better be really tall & body building.  Aside from that, they could live in a van with curtains down by the river.
    Here’s the key; no matter how 1950’s that all sounds & makes us gals want to puke sometimes . . . if you do all this for him, he’ll do all kinds of stuff for you.  It is a give & take and sometimes the giving isn’t fun or what we feel like doing, but suck it up & just do it. Make the time for it.
    On Men’s Standards: Do you even realize that what a woman looks like when she wakes up is WAY different than when she’s ready for the day? No woman looks how she looks on profiles – it is like this: tons of water, sleep, a diet, make up, hair color, hair products, fake eyelashes, eyeliner, the smoky eye, personal trainer, spanx, padded bras & underwear (if you have a back with a crack), dermatology clinic, plastic surgeon, self tanner, lasers & fillers, & finally, heels.
     What women want: A man that they are attracted to, then he has to have a job, then the job has to make at least $50k a year (we prefer $70), then he has to be a manly-man and swear to love and protect his wife & family, then he has to buy her the big house & they have kids and some pets. A lavish vacation here and there never hurts.  Don’t forget dates and massages & some jewelry if she’s into that.
    What women fear drives their behavior: We want to (and feel the need to) be able to function without a man on emotional & financial levels – in a man’s dictionary, a bitch.  Read any financial book & know women are at the absolute highest risk of living in poverty at retirement, no matter what lifestyle they choose.  Women have tons of pressure on them, the man that learns how to release that pressure in however many ways he can – wins the golden ticket. On de-bitching a female: Women need time to themselves ALONE every day for quiet time, they need Spaz Time once a week to do something high energy they enjoy, like hobbies, girls night, or shopping.  They have to have time away from the kids to remember who they are.  They hate being controlled.  They are always willing to give advice.  They nag when something is bothering them, so eat your pride & ask them what is going on NICELY!  For the guy who doesn’t understand what is going on with online dating, ask some women to help with your ideals & your profile. As a side note on baby making – if you watch your health & supplement 6 months BEFORE and DURING pregnancy (hello Folic Acid) – you should be able to have kids into late 30’s & even early 40’s.  My grandmother had an oops pregnancy at 43 (she already had 4 kids).  He was the biggest and healthiest baby she had & he grew up to be an engineer.  All the other “what if” health questions are determined by genetics & are almost impossible to predict.  The major risk factor is aging sperm (50+) can cause Down Syndrome. Also, by the time you are in mid to late 30’s and seeking kids, ya’ll should have the money to pay for fertility testing & procedures OR adoption.
    Always remember this: Life is what you make it & the grass always looks greener on the other side, because it is painted green or Astroturf. 

  9. 699

    Anthony Thomas, 
    The percentage of births in the black community that are attributed to single mom’s is a statistical artifice, because those numbers reflect a drop in childbirth rates among married black women. It us not that single black women are having more babies, it is that married black women are having fewer. Thus, as a percentage of the whole, the share that represents so-called illegitimacy is on the rise. Also, there are several studies that show why married black women are unsuccessful in giving birth in the US. Due to the cumulative physiological burden imposed by excess chronic stress of racism, stereotyping and life in general in the US – the allostatic load on married black women actually contributes to substantial infant mortality in this group. I dislike misinformation.
    Studies for you to read: 
    1. The relationship between racial discrimination and health for black Americans: measurement challenges and the realities of coping by Carl v hill, Harold w.neighbors and Helen d. Gayle
    2. Maternal experiences of racism and violence as predictors of preterm birth: rationale and study design by j.rich-Edwards, N.kreiger, J.majzoub, s.zieler, e.lieberman and m.gillman
    3. Weathering and age patterns of allostatic load scores among blacks and whites in the United states. By airline t.geronimus, Margaret hicken, Dana Keene and John bound

    Get your facts right, and stop propagating thus stereotype about my identity!  

  10. 700

    I find it fascinating that Anthony automatically assumes my comment was about race instead of the fact that he was coming on a blog to tell a bunch of American women how bad American women are. 🙂

  11. 701

    Man! This is the weirdest thing! I just turned 39 and I am dying to find a good man in his 40s who wants to date me! To me it seems the opposite: Men in their 40s want someone who’s 33 or younger!

    1. 701.1


      I’d love to meet a woman like you.

  12. 702

    Hahahaha! This is the best and most entertaining thread of replies I’ve ever read! I didn’t get to everyone’s, because there are so many, but wow. This is funny. And great. The battle of the sexes still burns strong, and we all still like to compete for who’s suffered more. Oh.. and the grouping everyone into categories according to our life experiences and all the stuff we think we know about each other.. that’s pretty awesome too. 😀 Cheers!

  13. 703

    Well. All I can say is that I have lived in different parts of the world since I was 16, and all of my personal experience has led me to be significantly attracted to men between 40-50. I’m currently 33. Developmentally, good men in their thirties are usually focused on their careers – or their sex drive. Not relationships. Women who go for guys at this time in their lives are attracted to the testosterone and tend to subconsciously pursue the seed, even if they don’t realize it. Fast forward. The hottest men I’ve ever known are 40-50. Great men are like exceptional wines. They mellow, they seduce you, and they make a decent day – suddenly erotic. Why? Because they’ve slowed down. They built that business while you were drinking away your 20s. They bought things with cash. They got their hearts broken and used the frustration to create success. They already had that crisis. They closed those deals. And then one day those guys stop, to look around – usually in an airport somewhere. Hopefully. A 34 year old in mint condition is standing nearby and can appreciate his slightly receding hairline as a sign of gracious maturity. For all of you guys in your 40s, there is nothing hotter than what you are. If the ladies don’t see you and don’t celebrate you for all you have become  – it’s their loss. Find a lady who knows the difference between a boy and a man. Because it’s a big one.

    1. 703.1

      Oh good grief

      1. 703.1.1

        The truth hurts, Dee.

        1. Dee

          No Andre, no hurting going on over here.  I asked my fiancée his opinion as a man with a daughter in her mid 20’s.  He thinks men in their 40’s who go for much younger than 37 are borderline pedophiles.  Gotta love him!  I mean he is a father of a daughter and he’d probably hurt someone like you Andre.

        2. Jennlee

          Oh give it a rest already.  Borderline pedophiles?  Sorry, but a man in his 40s dating a 33 year old woman is quite normal.  I think your husband is simply looking at things from his own perspective because he is a dad, and because he likely knows what you think.  However, what will both of you do if your daughter gets into her early thirties and decides she is in love with a great guy who just happens to be in his early to mid-late 40s?  Oh sure, he can do as you say and hurt the guy, but that isn’t going to go over well with the daughter, or the judge when he’s arrested for assault and battery.
          And think about this from a simple logical viewpoint.  A woman in her late 20s is a fully grown woman.  Our brains are fully developed at around 22 to 23.  So for instance, a 28 year old woman is fully capable of thinking for herself.  She’s not a little child that needs to be protected or sheltered.  And to continue the logic, that guy who is 10 years older just might be the guy who treats her like gold, while a more age appropriate guy, one that you approve of her her based on age, might be the guy who 4 years into the marriage, starts beating her, or worse.  So be careful what you wish for.  You might get more than you wanted.
          I personally have n problems with a guy who is older than me.  Sure, I don’t want a guy who is double my age, but I’ve dated great guys who fell in the 10+ older range.  I care less about the age than how we fit as a couple, and I’ve learned that age, to a degree, has little to do with it.  I will however, admit that I do prefer men my age or older.  A little younger is OK, but not as OK as a guy a little older.  Just my preference, and I can assure you that I would have serious problems with my dad if I brought home a good man who happened to be 12 years older, and my dad attacked him, or was even the slightest bit rude to him.  Same for my mom.  It’s also a good way to make sure you never see your grandchildren.  Yeah, imagine attacking the guy, or being very rude and then they get married and have kids.  How are you all going to sit around the Thanksgiving dinner table after that?

    2. 703.2

      I feel that slightly older men, around 4 to 12, are the best.

      1. 703.2.1

        Jennilee. Seriously. This coming from some weird chick who posts comments such as you like boys 8-12.   My husbands daughter is not a problem because it creeps her out getting hit on by older men.  Nice try though

        1. JennLee

          The post was meant to say, 4 to 12 years older.  If you have the slightest bit of intelligence, you would know that.  As for your husband’s daughter, if she is creeped out by a man who is 10 years older than herself, she’s not very mature.  That kind of attitude is expected of a teenager, but not a woman in her late 20s to early 30s.  It is one thing to not have a preference for a man in his late late 30s when you are in your late 20s.  It is an entirely different thing to be “creeped out.”  That’s just plain immature.  One day she may outgrow that immaturity, and may bring home an older man.  I’ve seen that many times, and nobody would have predicted it.  I hope you are mature enough to deal with it properly if that day comes.  In the mean time, you could be a lot less judgmental of those of us who are OK with these relationships.  I’ve dated several older men and they were true gentlemen.  Maybe try being less prejudicial.  This isn’t much different than how I would have been treated as an Asian woman several decades ago.  It is up to each person to decide what age appropriate means for them.  It is not up to you to decide that for them.

  14. 704

    I think to many people put way to much stock in a number on a birth cert.
    The real issue for me isn’t that ACTUAL age, but how fit and in shape that person is, and where they are as far life goals goes.
    I might consider a younger guy, if he has already had children.  I would risk dating a man signifigantly younger if he didn’t already have children, because he may still be holding out hope to have them, and I’m well beyond child bearing age.
    Since I took time out of the work force to stay at home with my son, and I’ve always been low income (but frugal and able to support myself on whatever I made), retirement is a long way away for me.  Many men my age are nearing retirement (or are already retired) and state in their profile that they want someone who is retired or only works part time, because they want a travel companion. 
    So for me, it is more important to have energy levels, and life goals be in alignment, than to look at the year on his birth cert.  And there is such a variety in how different people age.  I have met men in thier mid 60’s who look great and play volley ball and are marathon runners, and I have seen men younger than me who are quite sedentary and who look much older than me.
    I would rather be with a man who is older than me, but matches or slightly exceeds my energy and has similar relationship goals, than to be with an out of shape coach potato my age.
    And as far as viagara goes, I don’t care.  If he needs some extra help that is fine.  I love physical intimacy, but it is the comfort, companionship, cuddling  and emotional connection that make it special for me,  I don’t expect porn star sex at his phase in my life. 

    1. 704.1

      If you’re reading this, you’re all set, paendrr!

  15. 705
    Anthony Thomas (@djfourmoney)

     Me Bitter? ROFL.

     JennLee made some excellent points in her post.

     The problem is post-modern society, specifically those of North America and Western Europe.

     More than a few comments made mention of delaying child birth (because modern science allows women too) and societies acceptance of single motherhood which has destroyed the Black Community and threatens to do the same to other communities in America.

     Since Feminism 2.0 started in the 1970’s, women have been trying to figure out how to prevent men from dating younger women with various laws and shaming tactics. Once a man is critical of a woman’s behavior that is not in the classical sense of how women behave, he is tagged with being  a misogynist.

     These tactics largely haven’t worked so women in these societies have simply turned to refusing to date 95% of men in America.

     Many studies have stated that women prefer men 18-35, college educated, over 6’0 with a white collar job.

     In other words about 5-6% of the population….

     Evan made some crackpot comment about other places being racist. Nowhere on the planet is more racist against Black men especially than the United States period. Obama’s election means nothing, its superficial at best. 

     I’ve spent lots of time in Europe, no racism experienced, dated women, went to clubs, did plenty of sight-seeing.  Know more than a few Interracial Couples because I value their experiences.
     Stop trying to call me bitter, no woman has hurt my feelings or disappointed me. I don’t wonder why women don’t like me because it’s simply not true. I get contacted regularly unfortunately is by woman OLDER THAN ME!

    1. 705.1

      Anthony, I am not sure I agree with you completely on the racism issue. I have some knowledge of this, but let me ask you, why do you think most Asian women do not like to get a tan? Let me show you a series of pictures.

      This is how far back it goes.

      This shows how serious we are about it.

      Young and old do this.


      View post on imgur.com

      You may ask why? It is because the cultural ideal of beauty is very pale skin. Where this originated is in the fact that the rich stayed in doors while the poor worked out doors. So if you saw somebody with pale skin, it was a sign of being wealthy, being somebody. At the same time, as has been the case for most of history, wealthy men have used their wealth to have beautiful women. So in much of Asian culture, pale skin is preferred. For this reason, black men can struggle to find Asian women who will date them, more so than white men. The only reason I said i was not sure I agree is because this has more to do with the cultural ideal of beauty, not race itself. But many Asian women will marry a white man but won’t marry a black man because they don’t want darker skin passed on to their children. Not because they feel it Blacks are inferior…it simply has to do with thousands of years of what Asians have considered beautiful. Look at anime characters and notice that they tend to have very pale skin. My point is just that I feel you may do better in Europe and other places, and not so well in Asia.

      I will note however, that if you have a lot of money, you may find a girl who doesn’t seem to have as many options. Maybe she isn’t as pretty as most girls and so she’s being rejected, or she is a former prostitute or mistress. Usually, if a woman has many suitors she finds acceptable, she won’t consider marrying a black man. I think somebody here mentioned that many of the Asian women would list Asian and Caucasian in their online profile, and that’s all. I was going to say something then, but didn’t.

      Another reason is the blame of the media, and black men themselves. Movies and YouTube have allowed many Asians to see a difference in white and black culture where women are concerned. I posted once before that black men had to accept that it is their culture that created terms such as Ho, Playa, and Pimpin’ Ho’s. Black men created this whole culture of grabbing your crotch in public, and not pulling your pants up. It is in their music that women are called Bitches and treated as nothing more than a piece of meat. Asians love statistics and black men are more likely to father children and not marry the mother. You have to understand…things are very different over there. Buying a parent’s approval is still very common for would be husbands. When you sit down to eat, you do not touch the food until the oldest person there does…at least when it is actually an older person. And if invited to somebody’s place, you bring a gift. The culture there is much less aggressive than it is here, and many blacks here pride themselves on being very aggressive, and far more likely by percentage to commit a violent crime. Even men who appear to be well dressed, black businessmen are seen to be quicker to anger and quicker to violence. You may think it is an unfair stereotype but stereotypes often have a basis in reality and yes, it is unfair to those who do not fit the stereotype. But I could say the same thing about what I have seen from many white people. They get stereotyped as being white devils, and racists, but most are not. But if you are honest, you can see why an Asian girl might be hesitant to take a black man home to meet her family. It is probably somewhat different if you find an Asian girl here who is many generations removed from Asian culture. I don’t think you should be too worried about it though, because by what I have seen, if a white woman is going to date outside of her race, she is far more likely to date black men than Asian men. So I suppose it all evens out for black men. The ones who have a right to complain are Asian men, though Kpop seems to be changing the view of some younger white women. I think, if you are honest Anthony, this issue, pun not intended, is not black and white. I think it is highly racist of black men to reject black women out of hand because some black women are not high quality women. I myself see many high quality black women who are very sweet, and are being rejected by their black men.

      So sorry that this became so long. I did not intend that, but it is not an easy issue to talk about in a small amount of words.

      1. 705.1.1
        Anthony Thomas (@djfourmoney)

         Na it’s not long and I agree with the majority of what you said, there’s no reason to nitpick the tiny things I disagree with. 


    2. 705.2
      Evan Marc Katz

      That’s because the older women are the ones who want you most. Our dating pool consists exclusively of those who want to date us.

  16. 706

    I am 42 year old man, 2 kids 12 & 16. Wife past away from cancer 7 years ago. I want to find love again. Turns out I have the a massive crush on a beautiful 30 year old woman whom has been divorced for 3 years, she has a 5 year old. I haven’t thought about having anymore kids, but would not rule it out. I just want to hold her, be with her, but when she looks at me I can see the feeling is not mutual. I have had feelings for her for 2 years, I know that nobody else makes me feel this way

  17. 707

    Bill, I wanted to address some of the things you said. First, we don’t live in a world where only American women are the problem. 
    I think the negativity from American women comes from their belief in American men’s sense of entitlement. Especially the entitlement of hitting on women half your age. Having been on the opposite side of the coin, yeah, I get a little upset when men 10+ years older than me try to flirt. (Heck, one time I had a 65 year old man try to ask me on a date when I was in my mid 20s. It’s was seriously a WTF moment.) Women feel that men feel entitled to women’s youth and bodies. We are tired of being treated like your personal walking womb.
    And if you dig down deep inside yourself, you’ll agree that men don’t want to be treated like walking money makers. Men don’t want to be wanted for their ability to provide. Men want to be wanted for who they are. Just like us women do. We don’t want it to be about our looks and youth. Women are tired of hearing this message. Women are tired of men twice their age having a sense of entitlement to our youth. We can both use biology to justify using each other for our personal desires. Doesn’t mean that’s how you should treat people or that it should be the basis of your interactions with the opposite gender. 
    Now I do believe that women need more help and practice being kinder in rebuffing men they are not interested in. There is no need to be hostile even when it annoys you when men your father’s age hit on you. Women should be polite in letting a man down. But men aren’t experiencing hostility for no reason at all. Women don’t feel angry at men for no reason at all. It’s a cycle of ill treatment on both sides. 
    But I am confused on your comments about “rationalizations about virility and vitality of men 35 and up”. Didn’t you also say that it’s natural for men to go after younger women? Isn’t that a rationalization about women? Why can’t women use rationalizations when you clearly use them about women?
    And yes, older men are insecure about younger men. Men are insecure about aging every bit as much as women are. It doesn’t get addressed as much but I’ve heard so many conversations and comments through the years that reveal tidbits of men who very much worry about getting older. 
    If at your age, you still feel the need to high-five college age men about having a relationship with a woman younger or older , especially admitting you enjoy this behavior behind women’s back, you further prove to be a very insincere man that doesn’t have much respect for women. I don’t care what other qualities other people find in people they date. I just care that people treat each other with love and respect. 
    And sorry, but it’s true that a lot of women do date older men because of Daddy issues. I was formally one of them. I can tell you more about this if you are interested. But this post is already getting long so I’m not going to go into great detail. 
    Perhaps people in Colombia don’t have as many hang ups about age because maybe men in Colombia are nicer to the women there then men in America are to women here. A thought for you to chew on. 
    The truth must be that American women have a mindset that only men they prequalify as acceptable partners should approach, and if a guy isn’t up to her unknowable standards, he should know better and deserves a hostile rebuff.  When did a polite display of interest become so offensive to American women?  This is confounding to men and puts a lot of guys in a damned-if-they-do, damned-if-they-don’t mentality when it comes to showing interest. 

    1. 707.1

      I prefer older men and I have no daddy issues. I always had and still have a great relationship with my father. But if dating older men is about daddy issues, is it mommy issues if a younger man dates older women?

      I don’t see men, at least not the majority of men I know wanting to date women half their age. Most it seems want younger but now a lot younger. Every guy I have talked to, even younger guys admit to me that their preference is for the woman to be a little younger. But the younger guys only say that once we have become friends and they know I won’t date younger guys. They admit that they prefer a younger woman but would date an older woman if they can’t get a younger woman. Most also admit that they will only live with, not marry and older woman.

      I don’t want to be somebody’s fallback plan. I want to be somebody’s preference.

      I would hate to think somebody would be very disrespectful to a younger woman who is dating or married to an older man. Imagine if you marry somebody you really love, and then you find out people are saying very disrespectful things behind your back. Shouldn’t you just be happy for them?

      A good example is a couple at my church. We struck up a good conversation while working together for one of our church’s charity ministries. She is 35 or 36 and married who turns 50 in a couple of months. She is a very pretty woman who earned a Masters Degree. We were talking about one of our black sisters who is having trouble finding a husband. I said that I felt sorry for her because so many black women are having a very hard time finding a good man.

      This woman looked at me and said, “I think it is very hard for all women to find a good man these days.” So I started asking about her husband and found out that he was in her words, 14 years older than her. I told her that I would not have guessed he was that old. She told me that she does not feel an age difference between them. He shaves his head bald because his hair receded and he was worried that she would have a problem with it. She said that she told him that she had guys with great hair and they were A-holes, so she could care less about great hair. She told me that for a long time she had this long list of things she thought she wanted in a man, but after meeting so many jerks, she finally decided that all she really needed in a guy was that he be her religion and agree with her and a few key points in that religion. Other than that, she was open.

      She told me that when she first came to this church, she said it was like a shark tank. We had a good laugh about that. She said that she sat by herself and then started noticing each week that more and more single men were sitting all around her. haha She said a couple were a little younger and told me who they were, and some were a little older, and she told me who they were. Eventually most of them did try hard to get to know her, but honestly, the one she married is the best looking of the bunch and in the best shape. He goes to the gym 5 days a week for 30 minutes to 2 hours depending on how much free time he can devote, according to her. He’s very muscular without being grotesquely muscular. He’s also very active in the church and a very very nice guy.

      I myself don’t have any hard line for older, but I do want a guy to be a little older. My preference would be a few years older up to about 10 to 12 years older. Older than that and he would have to be more and more impressive the older he got. At some point though, he would simply be older than anything can make up for.

      I don’t worry too much about the future. I have a a kind heart and do not fear having to take care of a man I love. I don’t worry about it because you never know what the future may hold. I could marry a man 3 years younger and he could do something to break his back, like a car accident or extreme sports. So I could spend the next 50 years taking care of a man who can’t do anything for himself. Karma can really get you when you are selfish like that. I think about that because I in fact know somebody that this did happen to. It just serves to remind me that you never know what the future holds.

      So I could marry a man 10 years older and spend a decade alone if we lived about the same number of years, and it is likely a man would live as long as me because men who live healthy life styles tend to live much longer than the average for men, and that is the only kind of man I would marry. So on the other hand, I could marry a man the same age as me, or even a man younger, and he could decide that he wants to leave me 10 years after we got married because he meets a younger woman. Then I would be alone many many more years.

      I do see some women here who seem to want to justify chasing after younger men. I say go for it. You don’t need an excuse. I encourage it. While you waste many years with men who are unlikely to marry you, you are ignoring the men a little older than me. That means I will have my pick of the best of the bunch. haha

  18. 708

    I am not in any of the age brackets dealt with in Adam’s original post.  I’m 52 but I was widowed in my late forties and I do have some insight.  Here are my ideas:

    1)  If you are 42 and not married, there may be some underlying personality issues.  

    2)  You didn’t mention love at all.  

    3)  In my experience, having babies came out of being in love, getting married and wanting to build a family.  “I want to have children” sounds weird to me.  “I want to have babies with  YOU” sounds right.

    4)  If you want to be a dad, consider marrying a woman who has children.  

    Adam, please, if I may be so bold, look for someone to love and who will love you in return.  The child issue is secondary to finding someone to get old with.

    In my early fifties, I found someone lovely.  We are planning our wedding.   


  19. 709


    I do think in most cases, women who have relationships with older men have father issues. I had a great father in many respects but he was not always easy or very affectionate. When I was younger, I was looking for a father figure. I wanted to be taken care of. The older men I dated never expect much from me either. I didn’t have to give much to them emotionally or even sexually to have them pay for every thing. The men my own age, they made me nervous, I was much more excited about them but older men pursued me so I went with it. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gained more confidence in myself and realized I didn’t want a relationship that was easy where I wasn’t challenged to share more of myself, I want to share a life and experiences together, not be with someone that’s been there and done that.  Plus, anyone that’s older than you is going to age more rapidly the older they get. That 45 year old man in 10 years is just getting older and older. I discovered dating men closer to my own age much more satisfying emotionally and sexually. I also find that they have a brighter perspective on life and aren’t as bitter. 
    I believe a lot of men want younger women because of a belief in entitlement that men feel they are owed. I do agree with you that I want to be someone’s preference, not a fall back plan either. But neither do I want to be picked on a shallow preference around age where an older man believes he’s better than other women his age to the point where he *deserves* someone younger. I don’t want to be with a man that has that kind of negative attitude to a woman’s age. Because I too, am going to age. And I need to be with a man that has a healthy, encouraging attitude toward me as a woman and all that embodies. A man who has a positive view on aging, not just his, but mine as well. 
    I have no idea why you think someone would be disrespectful to a younger woman who is dating or married to an older man. Do you feel the same way toward people who show disrespect to women their own age or older women? You seemed quite assured in your comments about older men while worried about a lack or respect for younger women. 
    By the way, my Mom married my father who was 15 years older then her. This was pre-internet. She didn’t know his age until they were in a serious relationship. He looked a lot younger. I saw how their relationship worked. She loved him very much but it wasn’t easy. Alot of that due to age issues. She wouldn’t change anything about marrying him but she has always told me that she hopes I choose someone closer to my own age due to a lot of the problems that cropped up because of the age disparity. 
    It sounds like the woman at church is very loving and supportive of her older husband. But how supportive and loving would a man be in the same way to a woman? Not very is my guess. 
    Lastly, please stop with your fear monguling toward women who date younger men. More and more, these relationships are coming out and people are marrying each other. You talked about worrying around a lack of respect for younger women and older men relationships. Yet you have shown a distinct lack of respect for older women/younger men relationships.
    I really don’t care what age people are and who they marry. I don’t have anything against older men who marry younger women. I have something against older men who specifically target younger women and act like they are better then women their own age and entitled to younger women simply because he’s a man. I want to be with a man that has a healthy attitude toward a woman’s age. Not one that sees a woman’s age as a burden he has to get around. 
    By the way, I am still open to dating older men. As long as they don’t attach a level of worth to younger women over women their own age. But in the world we live in, we give more entitlements to men then we do women. Maybe in my next life I will come back as a man. I hope I do. Then I can be as entitled as men often appear to be on this topic.

  20. 710


    You need to take a step back and read your post with an open mind. Let me help you.

    You blame men of having an entitlement mentality about a younger woman, yet say nothing about the reverse. On this blog alone, I have never heard men act like they are entitled to younger women, but I have seen many state a preference for them. On the contrary, I have seen women specifically state that they are entitled to younger men because they themselves have kept themselves in better shape than the average woman. Many express an attitude that they are too good for men their own age and older. I haven’t seen a single man say that older women creep them out, but most say that they are not attracted to older women for an LTR. Many will even admit that even though they have no interest in an LTR they do see some older women that are very attractive. On the contrary, I’ve seen many women specifically use the term creepy to describe men no more than 6 years older and up. I’ve also seen a tendency to state that men over 40 are mostly fat, out of shape, couch potatoes. And the majority of 40+ women aren’t? It make me wonder if these women shop exclusively at Walmart. In my experience, there are plenty of single 40+ men and women who are in great shape.

    You mention wanting a man who respects you and appreciates you even as you age. I talked with some male friends about this issue when I saw it talked about here in the past. Most say that their preference is a woman slightly younger which ranges depending on the guy. a few years to several years is a good blanket statement to cover them. Most will admit that it amuses them that women they look upon as older, even while dating them, are now young hotties to them. In other words, for men who prefer younger, that younger age is not a specific age range set in stone. When they are 34, a woman who is 40 may feel old to him but when he is 46 a woman who is 40 is a younger hottie to him.

    I think many women are under this false impression that if they marry a younger man, they are safer because the younger man appreciates older women. The truth is, you likely look very good for your age and so he is able to look past the age, but will he be able to do so when you start losing that battle? Using logic I would have to say no. In fact, a woman who marries a younger guy while still very youthful looking for her age, may find that she is more likely to be left. After all, the younger guy is going to be even more able to attract women who are a good bit younger than you are than can a man who is a few to several years older than you are, and it is more likely. Everyone has a midlife crisis. Some are worse than others. I like to look at odds. If a man is younger than you, is he more or less likely to have opportunities to explore when he goes through this crisis? I am sure many men had that crisis but didn’t have the opportunity and afterwords, they are thankful for that because when their power of reason and acceptance return to them, they still have an intact and beautiful family.

    I am a health nut. I tend to focus on men who are also health nuts, and yes there are many who are 40+. I’ve watched people and I often see men who are health nuts making younger men who are not look pathetic in comparison. If you are honest, you will also see women do this also. I have also noticed that men who do not drink or smoke or do drugs, or any combination, tend to live much longer and are vibrant even in their older age. I’ve seen many like this actually have to play nurse maid to their younger wives, and because they cherish her, they do so without feeling like it is a burden. I do not trust a younger man to do this. You see, as you stated, older men have less of a “what’s in it for me” attitude. They tend to be more generous. Most were also born and raised in the leaner years, such as the 60s to 70s, and recession of the early 80s. Younger men were born and raised in the boom years of the lat 80s to early millennial years. Thus they tend to be more materialistic and more me me me. Most men I know in their late 2os to early 30s are the ones who feel entitled when it comes to women. And why shouldn’t they? As one I knew stated, he is having the time of his life because he is at an age where women younger and older all want him. And he isn’t bragging. I’ve watched him in action. He picks up women much younger and much older with relative ease. However, his success with comes at a price. A price that the women he picks up seem unable to see. But as somebody who chose to sit on the sidelines and watch him, I can see that his success with women also brings an understandable devaluing of women. As others have stated here before, we value what does not come easy to us. Women come easy to him, so he does not value them as much. I would venture to say that the same holds true for women who have no trouble attracting attention from all men. Shouldn’t we be able to see this logically and shouldn’t that allow us to see men who are not as “eligible” as a much better option for us? I have a friend who will say, “Most people prefer the illusion of the Matrix. Most people choose the blue pill because it is more comfortable to them. Most do not want the reality of the red pill. All they need is somebody to tell them that the blue pill is also reality. They just need an excuse, or validation that it is OK for them to choose the blue pill.”

    Which brings me to the present reality. Here’s the truth. What has changed is women now wanting a younger man. Most younger men are still not interested in an LTR with an older woman. Those that are are typically the type who care way too much about how much money a woman makes. The men I see who are real go getters AND also want to get married, are almost all going for younger women. Very little has changed there. Younger men have always wanted older women for sex, and whatever else they can get from them. Because women are giving it to them more than ever, it gives the illusion that it is in creasing. Again, the only thing that has increased is the willingness of women to engage in casual sex with younger men, and do so openly. This often leads to more short term relationships. I have witnessed some women waste many years pursuing younger men while rejecting good men their age and older. At some point both younger and older men stop pursing her. Like it or not, it is still against the odds for a woman that she will find a younger man who will marry her, and actually stay with her till death do us part. Evan himself admits that he was an anomaly in that his friends all said, why date an older woman when you can have a younger woman, while he was the rare exception who said why date a younger woman when you can date an older woman, and yet he too married a woman his age. In this case, I choose reality. The reality that men are more than willing as a rule, to date older women, but not keen to marry them. I feel far more appreciated by men my age and older. I prefer not be hooked in to the Matrix. I prefer men 3 to 7 years older, but will go older for a good quality man. I see many woman acting as if they are entitled to men younger than that. In my opinion, they are making a mistake because those are the men most likely to marry you. I have some friends who now say they have a hard line at anywhere from 3 to 5 years older. Really? A hard line? So a man born in one year would be acceptable to you, but a man who is maybe only 10 months older you wouldn’t even consider? That’s just crazy. Think about this…a man who was a Freshman in high school in a given year is acceptable to you, but a man who was a Senior that same year is not acceptable. I choose to be more flexible in the age, especially older by a few years, and look more at the man’s qualities. Even though it is not my preference, if the right younger man came along, I would consider him. But my eyes are open. I choose not to buy into illusions and so I see that it just makes far more sense to focus on men a little older than me, so that is where I focus my attention, while being open to something outside of that focus.

    I hear some women claim that men their own age don’t want them. Maybe these women approach these men with an attitude that they know they can attract younger men so this guy her age or slightly older better impress her or she will drop him like a hot rock. Maybe these men detect that. Maybe what’s in her mind, that chip on her shoulder comes across in how she acts, and even looks at him. Do you look at younger men with goo-goo eyes, but look at men your own age through slit eyes? Do you ignore huge red flags with younger men while using a microscope to search for the slightest flaws in men your own age and older? I think it’s time for women to start being honest with ourselves about our own flaws and prejudices.

  21. 711

    Also, AllHeart81, I wanted to point out that you question why I would think that people tend not to respect younger women who date older men, and yet you yourself add in anecdotal evidence that you think women who date older men do have father issues. You go on to state father issues that man women, including women who date younger men, or only men their own age, also experienced growing up. For the most part, many people grow up with fathers that were not always easy or very affectionate. I know some women who prefer older men who had very affectionate fathers. I’m one of them. Or, I should say that my preference is for slightly older, but would be willing to date and marry a man old enough that the ignorant in the crowd would assume I have daddy issues. My only daddy issue is that I wish more daddies were as awesome as my dad. On the contrary, I know many women who refuse to date older men who admit that their own fathers were horrible, or nonexistent in their lives. I think the whole notion of daddy issues is a contrived one.

    But, since you believe it is an issue, do you think that men who date and marry older women have mommy issues? Are they also somehow just as filled with unresolved issues as you think younger women who date older men are?

    I personally think women who will date and marry an older man just might be less dysfunctional, and more mentally healthy. They are more open minded, and have the courage to go against the trends. The trend now being women wanting younger men, and many rejecting men more than 3 to 5 years older. Some rejecting men who aren’t a few years younger..

  22. 712

    JennLee – That’s sweet of you to so graciously offer to “help me” but frankly, I don’t need your kind of help. I’m am just as intelligent a woman as you. Capable of forming my own intelligent opinions on topics, just as you are. I don’t respect your approach in talking down to me.  And I don’t think you are more open-minded then I am. 
    I do think, especially on this blog site, that many of the male readers display an entitlement on this topic.  
    I do think that it’s creepy to some 21 year old women to have men 30+ hit on them. It’s understandable. 
    Do share with me why a woman can’t call a guy creepy but *you* can call younger men who aren’t as good of shape as you wish them to be “pathetic”? 
    I frankly don’t agree with women who talk about how out of shape men their own age are. (Please note how you yourself complained about such women but also complained about out of shape men too.) .P.S. Men do the same exact thing complaining about women’s bodies. Staying in shape as you get older isn’t always easy.  I’ve also heard men say stuff like, “I’m young at heart”, “I look younger then my age”, “I get a long better with young people”….and variations of the same. Which are actually read flags to me. When I see or hear a man say this, I know he’s obsessed with his own aging process and most likely is looking for a younger woman because he feels he’s “young at heart” himself. 
    I really don’t care if a man’s perception of what a “younger hottie” changes with his age. These men are still qualifying a value in women they don’t qualify for themselves. That’s not cool to me. If a man always has to date younger woman, something isn’t right there in my opinion. If a man only sees women his own age or older women has holding less value for serious romantic relationships, that’s not a man that appreciates women. That’s a man that appreciates only younger women. And they only appreciate those younger women based on fleeting, shallow reasons that doesn’t even respect that younger woman. You talk about women being aware of their ‘prejudices” while you defend men’s right to hold their own ‘prejudices” around women’s ages. Crazy. 
    Look, earlier you made a comment about hoping that people didn’t disrespect the relationships of older men/younger women. You should really take your own advice here and stop disrespecting the relationships of older women/younger men. 

    There are lots of older men, like my own Dad, who manage to get into relationships with younger women because they looked young for their age too. Hopefully at a certain point in your relationship, it is more about your age. We are all going to get old and wrinkly. If all you care about is how your partner looks, then yes, you are going to be unhappy and always on the hunt for the Bigger Better Deal.
    I actually think older men that exclusively look to date younger women have a more “what’s in it for me” attitude. Oh and yes, I agree older men can be more generous. I took advantage of that for a long time. Older men are very willing to pay for a young hottie. But not because they are truly “generous”. They are willing to pay for the status of being with a younger woman. It’s all ego. Notice that I don’t think this applies to all men, simply men who exclusively look for younger women. Thank God I look for more in a man now more than his money. And I want to be with a man that looks at women for more then their looks or age. 
    In all my life, I have never heard of an older man playing nurse maid to his younger wife. I’d love to hear more about that. 
    If you think a man is trustworthy based on his age, I have to tell you that I’ve seen immature older men and mature younger men.
    I am not against older men dating younger women. I am also not against older women dating younger women. I am against and weary of men who exclusively focus on dating younger women and qualify women’s ages in a way they don’t qualify their own. 
    Do I look at older men with slits and younger men with goo-goo eyes? Ummm.. no. I’ve dated some younger men by a couple years but I don’t have a fetish for being with younger men exclusively. I certainly had narrowed eyes when at 26, in a grocery store, a 65 year old seriously asked me out, thought he was a big stud. And I as grossed out when I went out on a date with a seemingly nice 45 year old (when I was 27) recently divorced  man with 3 little boys talked about how older men can date younger women because older men are more attractive and have longer shelf lives. Never went out with him again. I could go on on the kind of things I’ve heard and experienced from men but I’ll stop there. 
    We will have to agree to disagree on the theory of Daddy issues. I certainly don’t think it applies to every woman who dates older men, but I think it’s a very real thing. And yes, I think sometimes men who date older women have mommy issues. We form early behavioral patterns from our opposite sex parent in how we deal with our romantic partners. We often pick partners like our parents to fix the unresolved emotional issues. This doesn’t mean people with Daddy or Mommy issues can’t be perfectly nice people of course.
    Of course you think women who date and marry older men are less dysfunctional and more mentally healthy LOL.  YOU are one of those women. But there is no medical study that says the same. And I’m sorry, I don’t see how dating an older man shows  a “courage to go against the trends”. That would actually be a woman who dates a younger man. 
    Lastly, I think the reason women will reject men who are only 3-5 years older then them because women have experienced the prejudice men hold against women for their own ages. We experience from the culture we live in that gives men more social power over women and they experience from the very men they are having romantic relationships with. I suspect that if men truly appreciated women for who they were, didn’t set parameters around women’s ages that they don’t set for their own ages (for example, 30 year old men believing they need 25 year old women to be happy); more younger women would have relationships with older men. But why should a younger woman be open to dating an older man when men are actively qualifying women’s ages and making it the most important aspect of her? I think men are shooting themselves in the foot personally. I think more women would be open to dating older men if men did not make a woman’s age the golden fleece. 
    So I don’t blame women who don’t want to date men 3-5 years older. I get it. They are tired of being used for their ages. They want to be with a man that respects her and her age. Not just wants to get to know her because she meets his pre-qualified expectations of having to be younger then him. 

    1. 712.1


      Please tell me that you forgot to add a /sarcasm, or a smiley face to indicate that you weren’t serious. OK, this is one thing we women can surely be good at, it’s being hypocrites while claiming victim status.

      WOW, just WOW. OK, let me get this straight. Not all men refuse to date a woman 5 years older, but you advocate ignoring men 5 years older because some men refuse to date even slightly older women? WOW. OK, so you feel it is OK to hold your perceived injuries against all men when it is only some men, or even most men that do this. I would say that is not exactly fair. Should all men hold something against you that some or most women do?

      Now let’s talk about your perceived injury. So men won’t hold themselves to the same standard that they apply to women? Really? That’s your beef with them? One thing…one thing..one standard that men use for women that they don’t use for themselves. OK. Then let’s talk about women doing the same thing. How many men who have college degrees list in their profiles that the woman they are looking for must also have a college degree? Oh…gee…seems women are holding men to a standard that men do not hold for themselves. Don’t you think it’s a bit hypocritical of us women to demand equal access to higher education and high paying careers, but still expect men to be “bread winners?”

      Do you think it’s fair of us to expect men to pay for a date, even if we make as much or more than they do?

      Do you think it’s fair that for many years, we demanded alimony, but now that we are making high dollars, we want those laws relaxed?

      Do you think it’s fair that for decades, we have beat men up for preferring pretty women, claiming that they should care more about who she is inside, and yet we too have our beauty standards for men? Oh sue, we may relax them some if he makes enough money, or has something else we want, but there is still a line we won’t cross. I read an article about some stand up comics, like Chris Farley…a guy who had what a lot of women want…but he didn’t have looks. He was overweight and not so attractive in the face. But the article talked about the fact that he had deep seated loneliness issues because attractive women didn’t want to date him. Not any women with a good heart that would love him for his good qualities. Only the obvious gold diggers paid attention. This has happened to more than one. I’ve read similar stories about other not so good looking actors, especially comedians. Think about it. They are very high earners. They are very famous. They are hilarious and could make you laugh easily. Yet high quality women shun them. Why? Looks. Simple as that. Add in leading man looks and those guys would have any woman they want. I am ashamed to admit that I am no better than the rest of the women in this regard. Yes, even though I make good money, I want a man who is also a high earner. College educated. And I will only lower so far when it comes to looks. Are looks the most important thing to me? No, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about looks.

      Evan himself admits that guys actually want very little from us. They want to be attracted to us, and they want us to make them feel good about themselves. With all of the hypocritical standards I hold men to, I am willing to forgive them their one standard they don’t want to budge on.

      And as to some younger men being in pathetic shape, what exactly are you talking about. Women here have been labeling older men as of of shape couch potatoes who need to take a shower, and buy some new clothes. I dare to say that some of the older men I know make most younger men look pathetic when it comes to their fitness and you want to scream foul? Where were you when women were claiming most older men are worthless slugs?

      The good news for men is that I see many women happily accepting dates from men who are more than a few years older, especially if he’s high quality. If you refuse to, don’t be surprised when all of the high quality men are taken when the young ones won’t pay any attention to you.

      A friend of mine who is slightly older laughed when I brought this subject up to him. He said that women who can’t find active men their age or lightly older, can’t because to them, being active means a midlife crisis. Being active to them means going to the night clubs, trying to recapture their college days. Being active to men like him means riding mountain bike trails that many younger men don’t have the courage to ride, or the stamina for that matter. Being active to him means wilderness camping. Or entering 10k races with a good pair of running shoes on. Being active to him means going swimming, lifting weights, and playing some tennis. Being active to him means finding pick your own deals at local farms. He laughed and said, guys like him will outlive those women hitting the booze and make a pathetic fool of themselves in the clubs. I asked him if he meant all women, and he said no. Only women who would say that because the only women who would say that are the women who think being active is acting 21 by hitting the night clubs. He said that the women who are out doing what he does would never say that because they know a lot of guys like him exist.

      Finally, accuse older guys of simply looking for a trophy wife and not actually loving a women. OK, if that is what you think, then the older guys you dated are not the norm, or maybe you weren’t paying attention to them. Maybe they did love you but you were to busy summing up the value of all the gifts you gladly took without loving them. Maybe they clued into the fact that you didn’t really love them and so they held their love back to protect themselves. Maybe they spotted you as a gold digger? All guys have a standard, and for most men, once they locate a woman that meets their standards, they allow themselves to fall in love. Have you been paying attention to Evan? That’s what he means when he says men look for sex and find love. And your anecdote about the 65 year old does not apply. I have talked repeatedly about the women who refuse to date even slightly older men, calling them creepy. Any 26 year old that would label as creepy, a high value 32 year old man, has more issues than National Geographic. (LOL I been looking for a chance to use that since I saw it in a movie recently.) Same applies to a 36 year who would do that to a high value 42 year old.

      You accuse an older man having a “what’s in it for him,” mentality? All men have that attitude, and if you are honest, so to do women, thus the requirement that he be equally educated. Ask yourself, what does a woman who makes 70K+ need from a guy? If a man only makes 20 or 30K at that point he brings in enough to offset his expenses that he brings to the table. Men don’t even require you to make 20 to 30K in most cases. Funny how you devalue men so casually. If a ship starts sinking and it is discovered that many of the life rafts are defective, who do you think will be the first to give up their seats? Women? Please, even I am honest enough to admit that I would be terrified that somebody would even ask me to. No sister…men will be the ones to stand up and say, “women and children first.” Next time you accuse men of being so selfish, check the mirror for, as Evan says, that big honking blind spot that you have.

      Now, since you questioned it, let me challenge you to use some logic. If you are 55 and get in a bad car accident and get paralyzed from the neck down, which guy do you think is more likely to stay with you and help you as much as he can with daily tasks? A guy who is 65, yet still healthy form living a clean and healthy life, or a guy who is 45? Which guy would be more likely to see more value in leaving you and trying to start over? Which guy would be more likely to cheat on you even if he stayed with you? I don’t expect you to answer this. The answer is obvious to anyone who is not in denial.

  23. 713

     What men don’t get is that similar to the tv show Sex and the City women have full lives and can date any age of men that we want to.  Many women are choosing not to have children, or we can have children on our own.  Women now have many chooses. Just because I can have a children, doesn’t mean a want a child and don’t. Today, women don’t need men, they want a man to be emotional supportive and not just a sperm downer. 

  24. 714

    I have this to say about the whole “Daddy Issues” thing.
    I will admit, in my younger days, I was drawn to older men.  My first serious BF was when I was in HS, he was 24.  (The biggest “Daddy Issue” going on was my Daddy had an issue with me dating a man that age).  I was head over heels in love with a 42 year old when I was 29.  (unrequited 🙁 )  Most other relationships were within a 5 year span.  First hubby 4 years older, second hubby 2 years younger.  So while I PREFERRED older men, it wasn’t set in stone. 
    And yes, I did have “Daddy issues”, but my whole fam damily was dysfunctional so I also had “mommy issues” and “sibling issues” and even  “cousin issues”, so I don’t think my difficult paternal relationship had much to do with my attraction to older men.  If family of origin issues were the only explanation for relationships, I should have been completely turned off to any and all relationships.
    The MAIN issues I had that led me to want older men were issues with MY generation.  I came of age in the 70’s, and boy, were men in my age group (mostly) a bunch of “Peter Pans” who just never seemed to want to grow up.  I was drawn to older men because of their MATURITY.  I was so sick of the “little boys” in my own age group.
    Now that I am once again back in the dating game in my late 50’s, a five or even ten year age difference is NOTHING.  I don’t look at a number on a birth cert, a height, income, or nationality.  I look at a person’s CHARACTER and how they treat me, and how I FEEL about them.  And thankfully, most of the men in my general age group have finally grown up !
    All this assuming and pscyco-analyzing other people’s dating and relationship preferences. Sometimes two people just happen to fall for each other, and they happen to be rather far apart in age.  Or of different races.  Or vastly different socio-economic backgrounds. 

  25. 715

    JennLee speaks a lot of truth.  Beautiful women who have their pick of the litter in their teens and early twenties, who have maintained their looks into their mid 30s, think they still have their pick. Problem is, they dont realize, or refuse to aknowledge, that things are now different. The 35 yo, square jawed, thick haired, 6ft, wealthy hedge fund manager with the good body does not want a 35 yo woman, regardless of how well she is maintained. He wants the 19 yo version of you. You probably shunned him back then. 
    Everyone knows the ‘real deal’ about ALL OF THIS, but we continue to debate it. We have seen way too many comments about “…thats not true, because my best friends sisters xboyfriend has a grandma who is 69, and she looks great, and she……woo woo blah skippy”. Remember, the exception proves the rule.
    We all know, in general…
    1. Young, pretty women have a lot of choices and personal power
    2. The older a man is, the less likely he is interested in a woman his own age.
    3. A woman dating a man significantly younger is not complimentary.
    4. A man dating an older woman is very likely to leave her for a younger woman in the future.
    5. Men like youth and beauty. Women like youth, beauty, status, wealth, confidence, fidelity  and more. They usually cant find all these qualities in a 22 yo man. We can find the qualtiies we are looking for in a 22yo woman. 

    1. 715.1

      Boy, I’m glad I wasn’t holding out for a hedge fund manager, especially since there really aren’t any where I live. Thanks for enlightening us on what .0000000001% of the male population wants.

      Luckily, as a relatively attractive woman in my early thirties, I was able to meet plenty of attractive men in their thirties and have ended up with an attractive but more importantly, great to me, man in his thirties. 

    2. 715.2

      Oh Jeremy. I must say, comments like urs help alleviate my guilt abt rejecting and ignoring countless guys, many older & successful, when i was working in the nitelife scene. Those I did date, I didn’t treat well–I still feel guilty for my selfish immaturity back then, but now I think, those guys perhaps got what they deserved 4 prioritising youth and looks too much.
      Firstly, I don’t need very shallow men in my life, and most women with any wisdom would agree, so ageist attitudes from guys like u don’t bother me.
      Also, many guys don’t think like u. U should probably tell the 2 guys who proposed last yr tt they’d be happier with a 22 yr old; they didn’t get the memo. Any guy who’s dated or tried to date me would unequivocally tell u that im far harder to have than most women in their early 20s. They both have money–one from v large family businesses in oil and construction, the other from a brokering career, so it’s not like they can’t have an avg or  pretty 22 yr old if they wanted. I felt their characters wren’t gd enough 2 make me happy, and the one w family businesses is still so aggrieved that he’s harrassing me 8 mths after i ended things, with a curious mix of insulting harrassing smses & presents delivered to my home.

      Becos intellect matters to guys. He’s told me before he’s not giving up on me, cos ‘how am i going to find another as pretty and smart as u?’ He’s dated runway models younger than me (since he’s a yr younger) but many are not v educated. 

      And character matters to guys. My comment’s getting long so I’ll spare details, but I’ve seen lots of proof of this. Any guy with standards is unimpressed with a pretty but shallow woman. 

      I acknowledge the benefits that women have when pretty and v young, of course guys will initially be attracted. But women don’t need that to be loved if they develop any depth. Most men will Never have any idea of feeling as effortlessly desirable as a beautiful v young woman feels, and yet they get along just fine. 🙂 So can women. If a woman takes care of herself, has intellectual curiosity and has a gd personality, she’ll be desirable enough. If a man has these things, along with a stable career, he’ll be desirable enough. Simple.

      1. 715.2.1

        tamara, I think the key here is what you wrote right here. “I felt their characters wren’t gd enough 2 make me happy.” I know when I was younger, I often picked up on stuff like that in many guys around me. Obviously you are also in tune with these things. But we can also assume that the younger women that you say these men could have, also pick up on this lack of good character, and so they have been rejecting these guys. I would not be surprised at all to find out that these guys, with their lack of bad character, are fervently pursuing other women just like they do you. I have seen men do this to me. One younger guy assured me that I was all he would ever need to be happy and he couldn’t live without me. I had never even been on a date with him. Group dates yes. I was not the only women he was saying this to. Do I think he was sincere? Yes. He sincerely wanted an attractive woman.

        I wonder if you would agree that the vast majority of high quality men prefer, and get women who are younger than themselves? Not usually much younger, like 15 to 20 years, but 1 to 10 years is common

        1. tamara

          Hi JennLee, first let me apologise if my posts sound narcissistic–my intention is honestly not to boast but to be encouraging to women. Im just a nerdy girl-next-door type and anything I can have, other women can have too. 

          But anyway 4 the rich jerk in question, i do believe him when he gloats to me that he has v beautiful women in his circle who want to marry him. He only slowly revealed how terrible he was after i dumped him; i doubt they’ve seen this side. The only red flag when we dated was he seemed possessive, which to me was a dealbreaker as I need space. Anyway based on his account, those women are as shallow as him, seemingly just wanting to marry rich and spend time attending parties & buying designer goods. U underestimate the number of young beauties who are eager to marry multimillionaires. Even I used to want this life for a few yrs when i was younger. :/ Personally i think such women and men make great couples, but he doesn’t want such a woman, go figure.

          The other guy had gd character overall but when lonely overseas on a business trip, he sent me an explicit photo, which turned me off and tt’s mainly y i said adios. Im far fussier abt character than the avg woman cos i’m an idealist INFP type and if the guy isn’t close to sainthood I really can’t feel love. 🙂 I was ‘spoilt’ with such guys at a young age, grew up with affluent guys who were also smart, gd-looking, popular AND had hearts of gold, and some of them loved me but I friendzoned them. So I do know guys like that exist.

          But I actually Agree with u tt many men–‘high value’ or not–prefer women a bit younger. I think women should be open minded abt dating men a bit older, 3-10 yrs is nothing to me. Wonderful pple exist at every age. 🙂 

          Btw I’m not in the above-35 demographic Jeffry’s belittling. But I want women 2 know tt they can be treasured by men closer to their own age if that’s what they want. The guy i was most loved by was 3 yrs older, we were first loves and felt we were soulmates but I let him go, a reason being that at that young age, I wanted a older richer guy. Later i realised my mistake.

          Sorry that that younger guy u knew turned out to have been a player. But not all younger guys are like that. They aren’t all hung up abt age. I feel a woman just has to be presentable enough to draw men to know her, after tt it’s the heart tt counts.

    3. 715.3

      Oops, sorry your name is Jeffrey, not Jeremy! Typo

  26. 716

     @715.2  “Any guy who’s dated or tried to date me would unequivocally tell u that im far harder to have than most women in their early 20s”   Strange comment. Not sure what to say about that. Dont even know if would be proud of such a statement as it doesnt take anything to just be ‘hard to get’. Even a homeless person can do that.. Certainly doesnt make a person more desireable. I think ‘hard to get’ was 1970s playground strategy. These days, its just interpreted as ‘the person isnt interested.’

     “and the one w family businesses is still so aggrieved that he’s harrassing me 8 mths after i ended things, with a curious mix of insulting harrassing smses & presents delivered to my home.”
    That is very telling of the kind of men you are attracting/dating with your outlook on things. Low value guys. No guy of any substance, or self respect would behave that way. 

  27. 717

    I normally agree with what you post, but almost fell off my chair when I read this one. Most women don’t want to date a man older than they are because they don’t want to, period. It is unappealing. It’s nothing personal, it’s simply the nature of things.
    This man’s frustration goes back to a different post of yours, where you said that men go after what they think is good for them, period, without regard to what the woman might be looking for.  It does not occur to this man that he is unappealing to women younger than he is. It’s nothing to get hostile about, most of us want someone our own age. I am 45 and am constantly pursued my men 50-70. I’m not interested. No one would be aghast if I were a 45-year old man rejecting 50-70 year old women, so why is it different the other way around? If a 38-year old man isn’t interested in me, I don’t care and the reason is clear. Men, choose a different battle.

  28. 718

    PS to Evan- I really hope you will revisit this topic in another post. You definitely did not nail this one.

  29. 719

    @Jeffrey 716: Ahh Jeffrey I agree tt the wealthy jerk i mentioned is low value, cos he lacks character, tt’s y i rejected him. But as Marilyn said, ‘a rich man is a lot like a pretty girl’. Yet apparently to men like urself, hot woman equals great catch, no character requirements. I would only consider marrying a guy if he was in the top few percentiles of both character and intellect. A genius with Gandhi’s heart. 🙂 And reasonable financial stability. Shallow men just have lower standards required 2 be happy with women; it’s not tt older women haf a worse time dating, but they have higher expectations than shallow men the same age. So put a lid on all that ageist BS.

    The pt of my pointing out tt i was harder to haf than a younger women is tt those men were Choosing me instead of being forced 2 pursue me cos they couldn’t haf younger women. (Duh.) Cos it’s not all about youth & looks…Yeah that guy sucks, i’ve said before on this blog he’s the worst guy iv ever dated. Can’t blame him 4 not letting go…And I wouldn’t know abt ‘1970s playground strategy’ since i wasn’t even born yet. And i don’t need to strategise, im just myself 🙂

    On the whole, i definitely attract far ‘higher value’ pple than u though, esp cos I’m a better person. The fact tt u’ve posted so many comments trying to discourage women over 35, when this blog is mainly read by tt demographic, says alot abt ur character and ur life. No happy contented person does stuff like that.

  30. 720

    A lot of women I know  near my age ( I am 40), and several years younger,  are dating younger guys, but they constantly struggle with them and their lack of maturity. Guys in their 20s and early 30s rarely take them serious just like this article states. Its a vicious cycle. Myself, I am seeing an amazing 38 year old professional and we share many common interests, and a rare combination there of. We also walked and  struggled through many similar phases in our lives. Only problem is she is still getting over her ex. Thats the down side, and its not deal breaker in this situation, but quite unnerving.  Anyways, my advice to guys my age and younger is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and be ready for a lot of Emotional Baggage. Im saying eat right, exercise, and  don’t become a stick in the mud. I have many amazing female friends and they always say a guys appearance is not a deal breaker nor is it necessary that he be in amazing shape or  health. However when they break up with the guy, poor sexual performance and a guy being overweight are often on of the deal breakers. They don’t say that going into a relation ship, but going out they do.  Its competitive world, and you gotta stay on your toes. You also feel better taking care of yourself. Many women of all ages are attracted to physically fit older guys, so make yourself one of them. 

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