I’ve gotten a lot of flak on YouTube for my No More Bad Dates TEDx Talk, in which I lay out my keenly observed theories that:
- Most people’s online dating profiles suck.
- Men get rejected more than you can possibly imagine.
- Because of this high rejection rate, they’re disincentivized from spending a lot of time on each individual woman.
- As such, men want “speed” – to spend as little time as possible on phone/email/text and meet in person to see if there’s chemistry, preferably without spending money.
- This system is not good for women – who deserve to have a man make some time and energy investment before meeting him for a first date – lest she go on an endless series of blind coffee dates with swipe-right guys on Tinder.
- Because men and women have slightly different goals, there needs to be a middle ground where men can move quickly AND women can screen for trust and comfort.
- The best way to do this is outlined in Finding the One Online, Volume 4 – and is called the 2/2/2 Rule – a couple emails back and forth on the dating site, a couple emails back and forth on Gmail, a couple of phone calls (or even just one), followed by a date. That ensures a real personal connection BEFORE you meet and makes a first date feel more like a second date.
2/2/2 is designed to AVOID TEXTING because texting is the death of healthy communication.
Unmentioned in all of that is this: 2/2/2 is designed to AVOID TEXTING because texting is the death of healthy communication. This is not some old, married, luddite position; this is literally what I hear from thousands of women who have text-only “boyfriends” and who have all their serious relationship discussions by text. This is the problem when you use texting as a primary form of communication instead of just a tool to say, “Running late!” or “Thinking of you!”
All of this seems to be objectively true, but damn, if people aren’t going to double down on the very tools that cause them the most angst – dating apps and texting.
Which is why I found this article by Claire Artschwager in New York Magazine so refreshing. It’s called, “Dating Without Texting Is the Absolute Best.”
There’s a lot of good stuff in there, but here’s the money quote: “My mind wasn’t filled with worry over when he would text me or whether I should text him.”
Yep. That’s texting. An ever-present power struggle based on who contacted whom last and in how much time. By writing regular emails (I know!) and scheduling time to talk on the phone, you avoid all of this bullshit and get to know someone infinitely better than when you’re both texting a dozen people at once.
And if this advice irks you because you think I don’t get it, that’s fine. Literally ALL of my clients complain about texting so I’m always surprise when people conclude there’s no other way because men and modern society demands it. Talk about giving up your power.
So let’s agree to this. If you insist on using text as a primary form of communication, I don’t judge you – as long as it’s working and you’re happy. And if you discover you’re constantly anxious from the churn of texting strangers from dating apps who flake out and disappoint because they have no personal investment in you, maybe you’ll consider replacing texting with something more intimate.
Your thoughts, as always, are greatly appreciated.