Will Men Be Turned Off Because I Like To Wear A Wig?

I have started to wear wigs about half the time and feel like there is a stigma attached to doing so – or a “yuck-factor”. I started using one after a medical problem but now it’s just because they look so much better than my own hair. My own hair is super fine and fragile and it is impossible to find a flattering style or cut without at least using extensions (partial hairpieces that add length or fullness). A full wig actually looks best and I get compliments even from strangers. They look very natural but they’re still wigs – and sadly, wigs are sometimes an object of ridicule in our society.

My reasoning thus far is that I want to look like my profile pictures. Some of my profile pictures show my real hair plus a simple back extension so I usually wear that for initial dates. Some of my pictures show me in a longer full wig and in real life now I have semi-short styles that are very flattering. I have a flattering photo of me in one of those but haven’t put it on my profile because it’s different and I think that noticeable inconsistency in hair length will make it seem like some of my photos are too old. I realize that a big part of the problem may be that I haven’t fully embraced the notion of using wigs as a good thing.

I’d like to wear them because I look better in them but I’m sort of afraid that the idea of me wearing a wig will elicit an “Eeeeeewwww…” kind of feeling in a man.

I’m not sure what my priorities should be. Should I just make sure I look as good as I can on a first date even if that means “wearing a wig”, which sounds a bit like a disguise? Should I use my own hair so “it” doesn’t become the little secret that I’m hiding? Should I use my different hairstyles and feel no shame about how it is that I can change my look just like that?

I consider you to be very wise – you often find general principles that help us women with our viewpoint and our confidence. You also have basic knowledge about the things that matter and then are able to remind us of that to keep things in perspective. Sometimes I can ask myself, “What would Evan say?” but I’m stumped on this one.

What are your thoughts on this matter?

Sincerely,
Patricia

Thanks for your kind words. Let me do the best I can to tease this out (you see what I did there?)

To your credit, you are seeing this from all sides, however, it just seems like you’re spinning in circles. It really doesn’t have to be that complicated.

In fact, you may be surprised to learn that all of my advice comes directly from the bible.

“Do to others what you would have them do to you.” (Matthew 7:12)

All I do in this space, week after week, is put myself in the shoes of the woman asking the question, and, more challengingly, in the shoes of the man she’s writing about.

People don’t lie on their profiles because they are awful people who lack integrity.
People lie because they’re insecure about telling the truth.

Half the time, the man is in the wrong.

Half the time, the OP is in the wrong and fails to see it because she’s attached to her worldview, and can’t see the validity in his worldview.

Most posts where my readers disagree with me are the ones where I remind women that it sucks to be the guy who always has to pay for dates, is forced to pay for children he didn’t want, or be perpetually mistrusted because he is friends with an ex, watches online porn, or finds other women attractive. I put myself in the shoes of those men and I can sympathize and I ask you to do so as well.

Those situations have far more gravity than your wig situation, but it’s always the same advice.

How would you feel if a man wore a toupee when he was balding?

How would you feel if his profile photo showed a full head of hair, and then when he showed up on the date, he had a comb over? How would you feel if you thought he had a full head of hair until you ripped it off his head during cunnilingus, or when taking a shower together, or upon waking up and seeing his hair next to his head on his pillow?

This is exactly what Matthew was talking about in the Bible. 

Anyway, this brings up a very old point I’ve made about online dating.

People don’t lie on their profiles because they are awful people who lack integrity.
People lie because they’re insecure about telling the truth. If they tell the truth, they may be eliminated, due to the fierce competition of online dating.

So 5’7” men become 5’10”, obese women become “average”, and everyone over the age of 50 becomes 45. All because we’re insecure that people will pass us up and we want to get in the door.

The truth is the easiest thing to remember. There are no lies to cover up, no awkward confessions down the road, no moments where he says “Eeeeeeeewww.”

And then you get in the door, tell the truth, and someone is appalled that you started off the relationship with a lie.

In my opinion, the truth is the easiest thing to remember. There are no lies to cover up, no awkward confessions down the road, no moments where he says “Eeeeeeeewww.”

Right now, you’re being ruled by your insecurities: your thin hair, your multiple hairstyles, your old profile photos. You’re entitled to that, but then this question always lingers.

Stop with the wig, and the question goes away instantly.

And if that doesn’t work – if you MUST wear a wig to feel confident – well, then I hope you’re equally forgiving when a man misrepresents himself out of his own insecurity.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Katie

    Why don’t you have a go at actually writing about this in your dating profile and see what gives? You can always set up a new profile in the future if it doesn’t work, but I think if you write about it honestly and lightheartedly it needn’t be such an issue.

    “Okay,so here’s the thing: my hair is kind of rubbish and I’m quite insecure about it, so I like to wear wigs sometimes to make me feel more confident. They’re super fun and mean I can change my style about with no effort whenever I fancy – check out some of my different looks on my pics and see which ones you fancy! I’m like dating five girls in one 😉 There are some pictures of my normal hair too so you can see I’m not full on bald or anything. Seriously, if the wigs would be an issue for you, just move along – I know they’re not for everyone. But if you think you can handle that, I’ve got loads of good qualities to offer the right person. And since I’ve just told you my biggest secret, how about you message me and let me know one of yours…? 😉 ”

    Seriously, dare to try something like that! I have put on my profile that I have lots of food intolerances so men who can’t stand picky eaters need not apply, but I still get plenty of attention! What turns one person off is just no issue at all to someone else!

    1. 1.1
      fitblondebrit

      I completely agree, but not perhaps in so much detail. It shouldn’t make up the majority of your profile, but be more a simple FYI. Without going into great detail and without it becoming the focus of your profile.. Personally I would only mention it in the photo description text. “Switched it up with a short and sassy look” or “Long and luscious today”. No need to tell every guy out there that you have thinning hair. You can go into more detail, if you get past a few emails..or if he asks.. I know where you’re coming from, because I have the exact same problem! But I’ve learnt to enjoy switching up my look and not worrying too much about what my dates think.

      1. 1.1.1
        Katie

        I guess it depends how long your profile is ha. I was thinking what I wrote would only be a little chunk, but my profile is HUGE!

        1. fitblondebrit

          I was inspired by Patricia’s post and the replies she received.

          I just added this to my profile:

          “I love switching up my look and have an assortment of hair extensions, hairpieces, wigs .. So looking for a man who can appreciated that fun, versatile, eclectic side of me!

          And have started adding photos actually side by side..of me with 20” long blonde extensions..looking fab and glam..Next to short hair, sassy, natural casual dress..

          It’s actually a lot of fun.

          So..Thank you Patricia for bring up the topic. And thank you to everyone who replied to Patricia…with encouragement..

    2. 1.2
      Sass

      But why does she need to? By that token, she shouldn’t wear make up, spanx, push up bras or heels either. Everyone (men included, if they aren’t slobs) does things to maximize their looks. I may be wrong but I don’t think Evan is suggesting she not wear a wig or be self conscious or apologetic about it. He’s just saying if you enhance your appearance don’t be surprised or offended if the guy you’re meeting is doing the same.

      1. 1.2.1
        Morris

        Men included? Not sure I agree there. There really isn’t an equivalent of makeup, pushup bras, spanks, high heels etc that men generally and regularly use. When you see a guy on the street, more likely than not, that is pretty much what he looks like after taking a shower.

        This is just one area where there is an acceptance by the general public. But if we really wanted to be truthful about the subject Evan is right. We, men, accept it and even expect it. But I’m not sure men knowing/thinking women aren’t as attractive in real life as advertised is a ‘win’ for women.

        1. Sass

          Not sure what you mean by a win, I think it’s just a fact of life that people put their best foot forward when they’re first dating, taking more care with their appearance, hiding their annoying habits, being on their best behavior, whatever. I’m sure there isn’t a woman here that doesn’t have at least one story about a guy who changed dramatically once they’d been dating for a while. Chris Rock once said when you first date someone you’re not meeting them, you’re meeting their representative. Do you really think women believe they’re always getting exactly what’s presented in the beginning?

      2. 1.2.2
        Katie

        She shouldn’t NEED to, but if she WANTS to I think that would be a fine way to do it.

    3. 1.3
      Chelly

      I agree that you may not need to go into too much detail. A simple, “I LOVE WIGS and have lots of them. In fact, I like them better than my own hair which you can see on my profile.”
      Then, move on to other things you like. I have a shoe fetish and I think this is not so far off from your love of wigs. Is it really so different from wearing different styles of clothing or changing your make up style for a particular outfit you’re wearing? No, not really.
      So–not a big deal. Wear them. If someone doesn’t like wigs, no problem. They can move on to another profile and you won’t know the difference anyway.

    4. 1.4
      Rhia

      You’re awesome!!

    5. 1.5
      Lorielle

      This is seriously BRILLIANT advice. Nicely worded.

    6. 1.6
      Lianab

      Totally agree! Wear your different wigs and show yourself with your natural hair too. One person’s dislike is someone else’s love.

  2. 2
    fitblondebrit

    I have to completely disagree with Evan’s reply. Women have been wearing hairpieces for centuries. Hair is a woman’s crowning glory and closely linked to her self esteem. When a woman feels the need to wear a wig, hairpiece or extensions, due to thinning hair..balding, etc. She absolutely should not be made to feel ashamed of it. The loss of her hair, is hard enough. Without suggesting she suck it up and show off her bald, thinning, sparse head, to the world! Wigs, hairpieces and extensions are an enhancement. To be taken advantage of by any woman, bald or not..Thick hair, thin hair, no hair. No different from..make up, nail color, false nails, false eyelashes, hair color, high heels. You get the picture. A woman can switch her look up by adding a false ponytail, bangs, bun, half wig, topper, 3/4 wig, full wig, extensions and so forth. And should be free to do so, as the mood/spirit takes her. Just as she wears a different nail or lipstick color. With no stigma attached..For a woman suffering from hair loss to also be bombarded by images everywhere she goes, of women with long, thick, mermaid hair. In magazines, TV, movies etc.. All fake extensions! Think Kim K, the real housewives…even hair shampoo ads..ALL fake hair. Yet she should proudly display her thinning locks, no locks? Evan. You are way behind the times on this one. Out of touch. Some men, might look at wigs, hairpieces, extensions as high maintenance and be put off. Although if the reason for wearing them is medical or thinning/balding hair. You’d hope he would empathise, if he lacks empathy who wants him anyway… Some men will love the fact that you can switch up your look..short to long, bangs to no bangs and so forth. And enjoy your hairpieces for what they are. An enhancement to your beauty..But no man should expect you to not feel comfortable and happy with yourself and do nothing. It works for many men, to just go bald, shave it all off..and just go with it. But the importance of hair differs completely, from men to women..And the effect is has on their self esteem. I wear clip in extensions, 3/4 wigs, pony tails etc and love switching my look up. Waist length one day, sassy bob the next..I advise you to post photos with different hairstyles and even add in the photo description the date and a short text..” 2/22/15 Short and sassy” or “long locks today” No photos of you without whatever makes you comfortable. Unless you’re comfortable with wearing no wig/extensions..Many men will be intriqued by your ability to pull off different looks. And if they ask if you wear a wig, just be honest and make it sound like fun. My hair is pretty thin, so I love being able to change my look, with a little help. It absolutely will not discourage the right man/men. And if a man is put off, he’s not the man for you…
    Rock your look/s. This is 2015 and hairpieces/extensions are big business, HUGE business and many woman’s best friend..Enjoy them, have fun with them..that’s what they’re there for..And for the record, discovering a toupee wouldn’t put me off a man .. None of us are perfect and as we age, we need a little help. Or not..but wigs and toupees are really not a big deal. Old photos are the worst offender… And I can put a lot of other things, before a wig/toupee. Drunk, smokes, abusive, much fatter than profile…. Wearing extensions, etc are so commonplace, that they’re par for the course. And certainly not being dishonest in a profile… Just be completely upfront if he asks..and never, ever, ever…be ashamed of them. You’d be amazed how many women are wearing hair enhancements..toppers are probably one of the most common, with extensions coming in very close to wigs..Evan really…do you suggest to every woman with a thinning to almost bald scalp..who wears a wig. That they post a photo of themselves without it, on their profile?! If so, you’re even more out of touch than I previously thought!

    1. 2.1
      Joe

      And you totally miss Evan’s point, which is essentially The Golden Rule. If you’d be upset to find out that your man (who you thought had a full head of hair) is wearing a toupee, then you owe it to men to be up front about wearing a wig.

      1. 2.1.1
        sade

        I believe you’re missing fitblondebrit’s point.

        The stigma with men and fake hair, ie Donald Trump, exists because men can proudly age, be bald, or thinning. Women don’t mind. Society doesn’t judge.

        Men and society think women without the affect, are less than women.  And they love to look at wigs.

        Toupees exhibit extreme insecurity. Fake hair on women is just par for the course, like a push up bra, and men love to look at novel colors and styles.

      2. 2.1.2
        Kimmy batel

        I appreciate everyone’s opinions and ideas here. I mostly agree with Joe. Honesty helps upfront to show your sincere about what isn’t so real. However, it can be done in a fun, playful adventurous way to let him know what you prefer….if he is into you, he will be flexible and cool with your decision of hair styles. I feel he will respect you and maybe adore you and can trust you more when you tell him about the hair. No need to feel ashamed to tell him because he has some flaws also!!! I wear many clip on hair to enhance my hair and protect my natural hair. My husband got used to it!  He loves me fully and is happy when I am content. Be bold, be truthful with a smile!

    2. 2.2
      Jamie

      Totally agree every word… And BTW I don’t think you can compare men and women when it comes to hair issues ..we are just not on the same playing field at all.  Evan opinion on this issue is way off the mark.. Thanks for setting it straight.

       

    3. 2.3
      earnie

      I totally concur!!!! extremely well stated!

  3. 3
    Morris

    Although I agree to an extent. I’m not sure wearing a wig is that big a deal. At the end of the day men today know what a woman looks like after her morning routing and before can be quite different. Between makeup, pushup bras, spanks, high heels etc wigs don’t seem all that different.

    He’ll still have to be attracted to you after all that comes off. So in that sense if it’s a dramatic difference it probably will become an issue. If it’s just a enhancement I think men will look past that. Although to be fair it’s becoming harder and harder to judge what a woman really looks like these days because of all the enhancements.

  4. 4
    fitblondebrit

    And where does it stop. It’s ok to have a few fun colored extensions because they’re obviously fake. Or are they?!! but not a few naturally colored ones. Because that would be deceiving. A fake pony tail is ok, but not a topper? Fake bangs are fine, but not a headband wig, braided headband? What about a fake hair scrunchie, to add pizzazz..deceptive? Are 10″ extensions ok, but not 22″ or 30″? Are clip in extensions ok, but not bonded or micro ring? It’s not as simple as a wig,or no wig. And even if it were. Even if a wig was the absolute only option a woman had, for covering thinning hair, female baldness. Or adding fun, changing her look.When is it deceit and when is it not? If a women, a brunette with a full head of hear wears a blonde wig for a fun change. Is that deceptive and a big no no. Absolutely not. At what degree of thinning does it become deceptive? It doesn’t ever.. Fake hair in every form imaginable, has been a part of a woman’s beauty routine since pretty much the beginning of time. And that is not going to change, any day soon.. To compare male and female baldness and the effect on self esteem. Shows a lack of understanding, on the matter. Absolutely there are men who are devastated by the loss/thinning of their hair. Who choose wigs, toupees, extensions, (yes there are wonderful hair extension options for men) and hair transplants. Is having a hair transplant deceiving? Should the man post before and afters of that? Should he fess up to extensions, in his profile? And I’m not talking long, flowing extensions..but short, almost undetectable extensions to cover male thinning/baldness.You’re not going to get and can’t expect.. everyone online who uses one form of hair integration system, or another..to post with and without photos. Or even mention it in their profile. “I sometimes add a pony tail, bun, extension, wig, toupee” Please ! 🙂

  5. 5
    Stacy

    Unless you look EXTREMELY different without your wig(s), I won’t worry much about it. In fact, I think men half expect that women ’embellish’ anyway. While I don’t wear fake hair, I have in the past to change things up. But, I also know that the fake hair was not outlandishly so that it would require the man to do a double take. I also must admit that I don’t have hair securities since my hair is extremely healthy without.

    In any event, Evan is right that it would be a contradiction if you were not to accept a man who wore a toupee for instance. But all in all, I really think the OP is overthinking this and it’s not a big deal as she thinks.

  6. 6
    Stacy

    hair “insecurities’

  7. 7
    Tom10

    @ Patricia (the Op)
    “Will men be turned off because I like to wear a wig?”

    Good question, as I’ve never considered this before. A relative has just started to wear one recently and I must say I’m very impressed with the quality and cut of the wig, and how she looks as a result.

    I can only answer for myself: would I be turned off by a woman wearing a wig? No.

    I kind of just make a general assessment of whether a woman is hot or not. I tend to be very relaxed on how she actually achieves the result: the specific details aren’t actually that important to me. So if she looks good in a wig, she looks good to me 😉

  8. 8
    Almita

    I think the poster should be honest that she wears wigs, but she doesn’t have to go into details as to why in her dating profile. She could just say something like, “I like to mix up my look and enjoying wearing wigs.” Then, she could post pictures of herself with various hair styles and hair colors on her profile. Some men would be into that!

  9. 9
    Karl S

    I’d compare this somewhat to someone stating clearly on their profile that they’re trans or that they have a chronic illness keeping them home most of the time. It’s much better that they’re up front from the start. If you don’t hide who you are, the people left contacting you will much more likely to embrace those parts of you that others might turn away from. That said, if you like the wigs then wear them and be proud of that too! State it clearly in your profile.

    Nobody achieved anything without being controversial. You need to force a response from others by being your authentic self (in this case, I’d say your authentic self is someone who likes to wear wigs rather than just someone with hair issues).

    1. 9.1
      AllHeart81

      But Evan doesn’t always advocate for that much honesty that quickly. He even uses his wife and her debt as an example of something that may have originally made him think twice about dating his own wife. She really shouldn’t have to tell men she wears wigs. Just like most women don’t announce they are wearing make up on dates, fake eyelashes or had augmentation surgery.

      It’s truly not fair that on one hand, most men go on and on about how important looks are and then pretty much castrate us when we try to do things that make ourselves look better, even if not completely natural. Well sorry we can’t all be 10s that make hard 24/7 on our God-given bodies and looks. But the world is pretty unforgiving to women around their God-given bodies and looks.

  10. 10
    Deborah

    I’m going to disagree with Evan here and plead a woman’s vanity. 😉

    While it’s true that a woman wearing a wig is no different *in kind* than a man wearing a toupe’, the fact remains that there’s a HUGE cultural divide. First of all, men actually have the option of going bald. In fact, *most* men over a certain age have at least some loss of hair, and nearly all of them look good when they embrace it. A woman doesn’t really have this option.

    Also, you can make the case that wearing a wig is really no different than wearing makeup.

    But at the end of the day, the OP seems most concerned with honesty and integrity — all good things! So how about this: Why not embrace it? Not in an explanatory-you-have-something-to-account-for kind of way, but in a fun, feminine, mischievous way.

    For instance, why not play in into the trope that men get bored with just one woman? You’re lots of *different* women, depending on your mood! If a man’s looking for the same, predictable, usual thing day-after-day, then you’re not the woman for him. But if he wants the excitement of not knowing exactly which version of you may be meeting him for dinner? Ooh la la!! =)

  11. 11
    Karin

    i feel it’s more socially acceptable for a woman to wear hair “inhancements” than men. Some distinction has to be made for the man wearing a full on wig vs. a woman clipping in a ponytail. She still has a head of hair, while he does not! That’s a huge difference. I dated a man probably 6x before he fessed up that he had a wig on. Up to that point, he allowed me to compliment him numerous times on his hair, and bragged that his brothers envied his hair. When I found out (because I touched his neck and he moved my hand), he told me. I felt completely deceived. I would not date man with a wig. It bothers me. This situation completely wasted both of our time. I think it should be shared very early, but not necessarily on the first date.

  12. 12
    Dina

    In this case, Evan, I think the wig is like the whole, ‘let’s try to put our best foot forward and not have verbal diarrhea on the first date’ advice you give. So, as a woman shouldn’t bemoan her ex on the first date, but rather be fun and flirtatious before really getting to know said date and opening up more, so too should wig lady enjoy the security of her wigs until the person she’s with knows other aspects of her, enabling him to evaluate how big of a deal the wig is against her other great attributes. Even if it is, the guy’s got to know her enough to determine whether or not to be wigged out (pun intended).

  13. 13
    Tiffanie

    There is no need for Patricia to share her love of wigs on her profile. There’s no need to even share it with a date right off the bat. I speak from experience because for the past few years I’ve been rockin’ a super cute wig due to a medical condition. I have trichotillomania and after feeling incredibly insecure over thin hair and bald spots, I started wearing one. It felt amazing to feel pretty and mask some of my insecurities. After I started wearing one I met a man and after a few dates I told him. He could careless. He was wonderful and understanding about it. I’d even leave it off when we were just hanging out at home. The right guy isn’t going to care. The hardest part is probably
    telling someone for fear of rejection, but if someone rejects you over something like that, they aren’t the right person for you.
    If a man were to ask about all the hairstyles in various pictures, just say you love to play around with various hairstyles. Good luck Patricia! I know how you feel!

  14. 14
    Holly

    I don’t know. I think this could go a lot of different ways. Where do we draw the line at truth in beauty? I live in the land of amazing looking but fake breasts, hair extensions, Latisse, bleached blondes, accutane,chemical peels, botox, etc. And guess what? The guys here in LA not only don’t mind such things, they have come to expect it and appreciate it. For any woman confident enough or brave enough not to use those enhancements, my hat is off to her, but she’s probably going to be single for awhile. And what might we tell her? “Oh honey, you need to accept that men are visual creatures and focus on looking good…” Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.

    Here, we are talking about something a little playful, a little less permanent and NOW it’s a hoax? It’s a trick? Why? Because she’s not wearing a semi-permanent set of hair extensions? I’m not sure I agree.

    I give guys a little more credit. Wigs might look great, but get close enough and you can tell it’s a wig. And at the end of the day, the only discomfort here might be the writer’s when she has to confess that she’s wearing a wig (or a padded bra for that matter!) If he walks, it wasn’t meant to be. She’s not his type. Move on. If he stays and gets curious about her real hair, her sense of playfulness, or other aspects of her personality, keep dating him.

  15. 15
    Susie

    I often like Evan’s advice, but this particular post by him is beyond stupid. Just post flattering current pictures of yourself and when and if the subject comes up (and not on the first date) say you are a girly girl who likes to play with different hair styles.

    If you don’t like your natural hair, there is absolutely no need to post unflattering photographs of yourself with that hair. I went gray early and color my hair every two weeks. Should I announce in my profile that that beautiful color is not natural and requires a lot of maintenance? The natural texture of my hair is also awful and requires professional blowouts? Should I post a picture of my hair unstyled or announce, “hey, if you like my hair, just be advised that it requires professional maintenance.” Oh, “and by the way, I’m wearing a padded, push-up bra to minimize the look of sagging?”

    Sorry Evan, but not all of us look beautiful without any help and the more so when we hit middle age.

  16. 16
    Clare

    Patricia,

    I think you are making a WAY bigger deal of this than a man would. Of the men I have dated, the majority of them have not even noticed when I had a different hairstyle/hair colour. Men notice overall if you are attractive, confident and comfortable with the way you look. They really don’t care about the specifics in the majority of cases.

    Why not seek out a top hairstylist and splurge on getting their advice on the most flattering style for your natural hair (short with lots of layers tends to look best with fine hair). And if you do decide to wear a wig sometimes, be light hearted and honest about it with the guy you date. Play it up and make it into something fun and sexy. Don’t make a big deal of it, and I guarantee you, he won’t either.

  17. 17
    Mazzy

    I can relate to this! I had advanced breast cancer when I was 26 years old, had to go through chemo, a mastectomy, and radiation to save my life. It’s been 3 years, but I still don’t really have any eyebrows, have crazy, brittle hair that doesn’t grow easily, and of course, I only have one boob! Dating was absolutely terrifying for me after having gone through such major body changes, and it totally rocked my confidence and self esteem for a while because during treatment, my boyfriend of 3 years was cheating on me. When I kicked him out and started living my life for my own happiness, things started to change. I was myself again, and even though I had scars, crappy hair, and missing body parts, I started to love myself and feel whole again. My confidence began to return. I decided to give dating another try after a year in remission. I also decided that I was going to put my cancer experience out there, because I didn’t want the awkward lack of a boob reveal once things got too serious with someone. It was very subtle, but to the cautious and insightful reader, it was clear that I was a breast cancer survivor, was missing pieces, but that I was happy, grateful for life, and making the most of it. I had some insensitive and rude messages from men, which is just a part of the risk we have to take in online dating, but overall, I received very positive feedback from men who appreciated my honesty, openness, and positive spirit. I did not have and shortage of dates! I still haven’t found the right man, but I’ve met a lot of great, wonderful, interesting people. I know it can be terrifying, and the insecurities can be overwhelming in a world that seems too full of judgment on our appearances, but you can’t win the lottery if you don’t play the game. I wish you the best of luck!

  18. 18
    Patricia

    Hi … I am Patricia, the one who asked the original question. I so very much appreciate the thoughtful and encouraging comments so many of you have left here. It is wonderful to hear that many of you understand how difficult it is for a woman to have problems with her hair when she is wanting to just be as attractive as possible.
    So many of you have come alongside me and spoken like a friend. You’ve correctly stated that it can easily be categorized as just one of many ways of enhancing our appearance – and not as something deceptive. I was hurt to see the original answer where I think I was told that if I wanted to be deceptive that way then I had better be okay with men being deceptive too. Wow. It certainly confirmed my suspicion that it could be seen as something unpleasant – but deceptive? I hadn’t even thought of that angle!
    Many of you indirectly commented on that by pointing out that wearing makeup, spanx, push up bras, fake nails, etc. could also be looked at as being deceptive – but it isn’t, it’s just seen as making ourselves as attractive as we can be. Of course, that is all considered to be the smart thing to do.
    I so much appreciate the specific suggestions that many of you gave me. There are so many good ones. You’ve been like good friends and it means a lot to me that you would take the time to write out long responses and be so kind – and even go so far as to disagree with Evan. I know we all admire and appreciate Evan and find the majority of his advice very helpful. In this instance though, I feel hurt, even stunned, by his answer. However, I am glad that it was put out there and that I’ve been able to get input from so many of you. I truly want to extend my thankfulness to so many of you.

    1. 18.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      In other words, Patricia, you wanted validation, not advice. That’s okay, but let’s call it as it is. You wanted to hear what you wanted to hear – not what I had to say.

      1. 18.1.1
        Sher

        Keep the wig and work on your real hair. Then slowly ween yourself off the wig by wearing your real hair with some extensions, then only wearing your real hair. Google “grow real hair with weaves/wigs” and you’ll find lots of women who use wigs to achieve their real hair goals.

        The issue isn’t the wig but the fact that you’re insecure about your real hair. The insecurity is what might be a turn off, not the wig itself.

        I don’t think women wearing wigs is analogous to men wearing toupees. Double standard? Perhaps. But just because we are equal doesn’t mean we have to behave the same.

      2. 18.1.2
        Patricia

        Hi Evan,
        Thank you for answering my question and for responding to this comment. Yes, there is some truth to wanting validation. I do struggle with this, that’s why I wrote. I tried to explain why I was confused about whether or not the option of wearing a wig might be a good one. Of course it would have been nice if I had an answer that helped alleviate my fears and insecurities about either option – wearing a flattering hairstyle that happens to be a wig or showing only my natural hair that isn’t flattering.
        That said, I still appreciate your answer. As I said, it did hurt but I didn’t criticize you for giving me your thoughts on the matter. And, as always, they are given from a perspective that is broader and applicable to more than one situation. It challenges me and that is good. What is even better is that you gave me another perspective – one that I hadn’t even thought of. You also confirmed my belief that there is a stigma attached to wearing a wig. But I had not even considered that it would be seen as misrepresenting myself since that isn’t my intent. I just want to look as attractive as possible and wondered how or when it is best to handle all of this in the context of dating.
        Your perspective is valuable to me and all of us who buy your materials and read the advice you give. Whether it feels good to read it or not is somewhat irrelevant. It is still valuable and I still appreciate you tremendously. I listen to the programs I’ve bought and benefit from them tremendously. I recommend you to others often and share things I learned from you with others. I was probably feeling a little more hurt because I like you so much and feel like you are a friend who cares. To borrow another scriptural reference though – “The wounds of a friend are better than the kisses of an enemy” – so if I am feeling wounded – oh well … maybe that’s the best thing for me to hear. And for what it’s worth, on the last seven dates I’ve been on, I’ve worn my own hair and nobodies dumped me yet. I’m at the point where I have a new question – what do you do when you’ve got three guys and it’s going well with all of ’em? Now, that’s the kind of question that it’s almost nice to have and I can thank you largely for the fact that I am in that position.
        I’m sorry if my comment that included that I felt hurt was impolite or ungrateful or insulting. I value your input tremendously – and I am quite sure I can speak for all the other commenters as well. You are doing a fantastic job and I thank you.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          It’s cool, Patricia. Everyone wants validation, not advice that challenges what they’re already thinking. The problem with validation is that you don’t learn anything. I pretty much never take questions where I’m going to agree with you because the blog would be really boring. I don’t begrudge you the right to beautify yourself, wear wigs, or even your insecurities – I just wanted to point out that your seemingly benign misrepresentation is exactly what men do about their height, weight, age, income, and hair. That’s all. Thanks for reading and sharing.

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          “Maybe that’s the best thing for me to hear. And for what it’s worth, on the last seven dates I’ve been on, I’ve worn my own hair and nobodies dumped me yet.”

          And that was my other point. Seems like you care about your hair much more than men care about your hair. You certainly don’t need to mention your hair in your profile. That’s TMI. I just think that the truth – when appropriate – is the surest path to success, for everybody.

      3. 18.1.3
        Gabri'el

        Evan, I’m curious, usually in these situations you advise people to wait a little while before revealing something like that. You usually give the example of your wife and her credit card debt, or you and your anxiety.

        Did you not tell her to wait, because it wasn’t a medical reason why she wore the wigs? If it was a medical reason, would you have advised her to wait until the guy knew her better, before telling him about the wigs… Or did I just miss something… again? (^_^)

        Should You Lie About Past Marriages?

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          That’s right. I think there is a time and place for everything. You’ll usually have a better experience if you save that truth for a little bit down the road when the person is already invested in you. In my above response, I did NOT tell the OP to say she was wearing a wig. Not in her profile. Not on a first date. I told her that it’s easier to not wear a wig so that she doesn’t have to feel deceitful, and that if she did wear a wig, she shouldn’t be too judgmental if a man lied about something to procure a date with her.

  19. 19
    Carrie

    I wear a wig – one wig that looks great and natural. When I get compliments and I know the person well, I tell them it is a wig. Lots of people just do not know it is a wig. If a man has a great toupe and wears it, that is fine with me. Revealing that it is a toupe or wig can be saved for later, when there is more time invested and you want to go further in this relationship. I think wearing a wig is far less deceptive than hiding a $40,000 debt or jail sentence or whatever until it became the other partner’s business because they had invested so much time and had fallen in love. My friends who wear lots of different wigs for fun are very open about it, have lots of fun and always look fantastic. Other friends have cancer or serious hair issues, and they look fantastic in their wigs. My partner is happy with whatever makes me happy – and when I am having a bad hair day and somewhere nice to go — on comes the wig!

  20. 20
    Sher

    I think it’s all in how you present it. I love my real hair- it’s thick, full, long and healthy. But, I occasionally like to wear wigs to change my style without the commitment of a haircut. The key is making it look natural and similar to your real hair so it’s not obvious.

    When I’m dating a new guy, I just present it as he’s getting to date multiple girls in one body because each different hairstyle invokes a different look. What man doesn’t like spicing things up?

    Definitely work on your real hair and self esteem so the wig is an accessory instead of a crutch. But if you don’t make it a big deal, it won’t be.

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