Here’s the Reason You’ll Never Be Satisfied With Your Partner
- Compatibility, Relationships
“Heterosexual women of a progressive bent often say they want equal partnerships with men. But dating is a different story entirely. The women I interviewed for a research project and book expected men to ask for, plan, and pay for dates; initiate sex; confirm the exclusivity of a relationship; and propose marriage. After setting all of those precedents, these women then wanted a marriage in which they shared the financial responsibilities, housework, and child care relatively equally. Almost none of my interviewees saw these dating practices as a threat to their feminist credentials or to their desire for egalitarian marriages. But they were wrong.”
This first paragraph knocked me out. It comes from an Atlantic article called “If You Want a Marriage of Equals, Date as Equals.”
It shows, in great detail, the myriad contradictions that come with modern dating.
“The men I spoke with held persistent double standards. They expected women to walk a fine line between enough and too much sexual experience. They admitted to running into conflicts with “strong-willed” women. Men also wanted to be taller, stronger, and more masculine than their partners. And many of the men expected women to take their last names after marriage.”
No surprise here. It’s the same thing my readers complain about frequently. But women were no different in their mixed emotions. They all want egalitarian relationships…except when it comes to men paying for things.
“In a throwback to an earlier era, many women I spoke with enacted strict dating rules. “It’s a deal-breaker if a man doesn’t pay for a date,” one woman, aged 29, told me. A 31-year-old said that if a man doesn’t pay, “they just probably don’t like you very much.” A lot of men, they assumed, were looking for nothing more than a quick hookup, so some of these dating rituals were tests to see whether the man was truly interested in a commitment. A third woman, also 31, told me, “I feel like men need to feel like they are in control, and if you ask them out, you end up looking desperate and it’s a turnoff to them.”
These contradictions are at the heart of Love U, where I guide women through these contradictions with a dose of reality-based dating coaching.
People want what they want, even if the thing they want is a contradiction.
In short, people want what they want, even if the thing they want is a contradiction. Want to poll well as a politician? Offer lower taxes and more free stuff. People love both!
So let’s get it straight, everybody:
If you’re a woman and you want a man who makes more than you and pays for everything, you should probably expect that he’s not going to want to manage domestic duties and that’s going to be more your responsibility.
If you’re a woman and you want a man to take on 50% of domestic duties, you may have to choose a man who doesn’t make as much as you.
If you’re a man and you want a smart, strong, successful woman who loves her work and makes equal money, you shouldn’t expect her to take on the lion’s share of domestic duties and you need to find a way to divide things equally.
If you’re a man and you want a woman who takes care of you and the house, maybe you should value nurturers over career-oriented women.
And if that’s not enough to chew upon, here’s an addendum:
If you’re a person who has taken on the majority of domestic responsibilities, you should have the respect of your spouse, but that doesn’t mean he/she is obligated to care as much about the details of those responsibilities or do them exactly like you.
If you’re a person who has taken on the responsibility of paying for the majority of things, you should have the appreciation of the lesser-earning spouse, but that doesn’t mean you’re more important to the relationship. You just have different roles that contribute to a happy marriage.
As always, I think I’ve nailed it here. If you disagree, what do you think I’m missing? Your thoughts, as always, are appreciated.
Emily, to says
I’m surprised that that three women quoted who wanted men to initiate and pay for dates were young. I was under the (maybe false impression) that younger women cared less about a man that than middle-aged or older women.
Kitty says
A certain amount of hypocrisy about who pays for a date wouldn’t be that bad if we as a society had easy to understand and broadly accepted dating etiquette. But we don’t, and that is the real issue. With no real rules for dating most people end up just assuming that what’s in their personal interests is the “right” thing to do.
Mon says
I strongly agree!
So true.
Adan says
If a man insists on ignoring the norm and not willing to pay 30 dollars for a good experience together, he must be really cheap and self centered. I would not be interested in such a person.
Jim says
Possibly try thinking that the man could be poor or jobless and NOT cheap! The word cheap implies having in the first place but being unwilling to part with a reasonable part of something and that’s not always the case on a date.
Have you ever considered that if a man has multiple dates in a week that he could well spend his entire paycheck by weeks end? It’s why dating has become impossible and women have also become their own worst enemies.
Jess says
@Emily, to. Younger women may be more progressive and career-oriented, but they still prefer men who are chivalrous, especially in the beginning of the courtship.
Erin says
@Jess
Chivalry read as rich.
Women want equality everywhere but in relationships and it’s causing substantial problems. You all want traditional men, but you’re not traditional women.
Why must men be held to the standards of the 1950’s but women get to be modern women in dating.
Jess says
@Erin – When I look around I still see most of the house work and emotional labor being done by the woman (who likely works a FT job). So even though women want to be modern, often times they still end up taking on traditional roles in a relationship/marriage for various reasons.
It would be interesting to see if the same men who split the bill on a first date are also keen on dividing up equal amount of house work.
https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/
Jim says
Well, that’s not my experience but to each their own. But even so, men are usually the ones doing the lawn, fixing and washing the cars, making repairs on the house and garage, and cooking dinner at times. It’s called “TEAMWORK” and complementing each other and so maybe you should think about that before you judge others.
Holly says
This is interesting stuff. I’m now almost 7 years into a relationship, celebratatiny our 1 year wedding anniversary soon. When dating initially we had to transition from friends to dating and we never stopped splitting the bill. At the time I think I wanted him to get the bill at least sometimes just so I could be sure it was a date, but looking back I’m happy we kept splitting it. Now, building a life together, he pays more as I am working on paying off debt and he makes a lot more then me BUT might quite his job soon to start a business and then I will make more for a while and our budget will have to shift. I will be the bread winner when I make more.
When it comes to house work we are constantly working on our communication but he does nearly half at this point. It was not easy to get to this point. He comes from a household where his mom does all the vacation planning, a lot of the logistics and planning otherwise in the home and I’m guessing more then half of the actual housework as well. His parents are in their 60s and grew up with different expectations and are doing what works for them, but I’ve made it clear that is not for me. And my husband listens, went to counseling with me and works on stuff with me. It’s not perfect but what is, and the important thing is my husband realizes it’s important and is always working with me to make sure our balance of work load is right. So maybe all those years ago when we split the bill, he was showing me a tiny glimpse into the future where we share everything, chores included.
Eve says
I love this reply. I am dating a man who doesn’t earn as much as some career minded men but he is so nurturing and happy to do housework that it leaves me free to spend the majority of my day working and we are very happy with our “role reversal”. He loves to cook and i happily do dishes since i am not so keen on cooking. He works part time and supports me when my business is slow but most the time I’m the breadwinner. Life is good. There’s a lot of ways modern women can find modern men who buck the mold.