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This first paragraph knocked me out. It comes from an Atlantic article called “If You Want a Marriage of Equals, Date as Equals.”
It shows, in great detail, the myriad contradictions that come with modern dating.
“The men I spoke with held persistent double standards. They expected women to walk a fine line between enough and too much sexual experience. They admitted to running into conflicts with “strong-willed” women. Men also wanted to be taller, stronger, and more masculine than their partners. And many of the men expected women to take their last names after marriage.”
No surprise here. It’s the same thing my readers complain about frequently. But women were no different in their mixed emotions. They all want egalitarian relationships…except when it comes to men paying for things.
“In a throwback to an earlier era, many women I spoke with enacted strict dating rules. “It’s a deal-breaker if a man doesn’t pay for a date,” one woman, aged 29, told me. A 31-year-old said that if a man doesn’t pay, “they just probably don’t like you very much.” A lot of men, they assumed, were looking for nothing more than a quick hookup, so some of these dating rituals were tests to see whether the man was truly interested in a commitment. A third woman, also 31, told me, “I feel like men need to feel like they are in control, and if you ask them out, you end up looking desperate and it’s a turnoff to them.”
These contradictions are at the heart of Love U, where I guide women through these contradictions with a dose of reality-based dating coaching.
People want what they want, even if the thing they want is a contradiction.
In short, people want what they want, even if the thing they want is a contradiction. Want to poll well as a politician? Offer lower taxes and more free stuff. People love both!
So let’s get it straight, everybody:
If you’re a woman and you want a man who makes more than you and pays for everything, you should probably expect that he’s not going to want to manage domestic duties and that’s going to be more your responsibility.
If you’re a woman and you want a man to take on 50% of domestic duties, you may have to choose a man who doesn’t make as much as you.
If you’re a man and you want a smart, strong, successful woman who loves her work and makes equal money, you shouldn’t expect her to take on the lion’s share of domestic duties and you need to find a way to divide things equally.
If you’re a man and you want a woman who takes care of you and the house, maybe you should value nurturers over career-oriented women.
And if that’s not enough to chew upon, here’s an addendum:
If you’re a person who has taken on the majority of domestic responsibilities, you should have the respect of your spouse, but that doesn’t mean he/she is obligated to care as much about the details of those responsibilities or do them exactly like you.
If you’re a person who has taken on the responsibility of paying for the majority of things, you should have the appreciation of the lesser-earning spouse, but that doesn’t mean you’re more important to the relationship. You just have different roles that contribute to a happy marriage.
As always, I think I’ve nailed it here. If you disagree, what do you think I’m missing? Your thoughts, as always, are appreciated.
Emily, to says
I’m surprised that that three women quoted who wanted men to initiate and pay for dates were young. I was under the (maybe false impression) that younger women cared less about a man that than middle-aged or older women.
Kitty says
A certain amount of hypocrisy about who pays for a date wouldn’t be that bad if we as a society had easy to understand and broadly accepted dating etiquette. But we don’t, and that is the real issue. With no real rules for dating most people end up just assuming that what’s in their personal interests is the “right” thing to do.
Mon says
I strongly agree!
So true.
Adan says
If a man insists on ignoring the norm and not willing to pay 30 dollars for a good experience together, he must be really cheap and self centered. I would not be interested in such a person.
Jess says
@Emily, to. Younger women may be more progressive and career-oriented, but they still prefer men who are chivalrous, especially in the beginning of the courtship.
Erin says
@Jess
Chivalry read as rich.
Women want equality everywhere but in relationships and it’s causing substantial problems. You all want traditional men, but you’re not traditional women.
Why must men be held to the standards of the 1950’s but women get to be modern women in dating.
Jess says
@Erin – When I look around I still see most of the house work and emotional labor being done by the woman (who likely works a FT job). So even though women want to be modern, often times they still end up taking on traditional roles in a relationship/marriage for various reasons.
It would be interesting to see if the same men who split the bill on a first date are also keen on dividing up equal amount of house work.
https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/