Are His Sexual Fantasies Different From Yours?

Are His Fantasies Different From Yours?

A recent Spanish study reveals that while men and women both fantasize about their romantic partners, women tend to fantasize about romance with their partner, while men tend to look for trouble in their fantasies, in the form of orgies and cheating.

This affirms other studies we’ve talked about on this blog previously, particularly the one that suggests that men are more inclined to pursue sex with a variety of women and women are more likely to be content with varied sex with a monogamous partner.

My wife and I usually tell each other when we have sex dreams. And, sure enough, our dreams aren’t all that dissimilar.

As to what we’re dreaming about? I’ll leave that up to you to fantasize. 😉

Is anyone surprised that women fantasize about sex more than men? I’m not. Women also talk about sex more and in greater detail. Then again, women tend to talk about everything more and in greater detail than men, so it’s not such such a stretch.

Check out the article here and share your thoughts, please.

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  1. 1

    Uhm, it depends on what stage I am. In early stage I look for romance, later on I look for trouble….women bring out the greatest hits too you know!

  2. 2

    Interesting article.   The only part I found surprising was well, the “surprising”: that men include their S/Os in orgy type dreams.   I would have thought the two would be separate, with the point being that male fantasies were about the forbidden which includes sex with women that are not your S/O when in a committed relationship.   Kind of cool and reassuring, I guess.

  3. 3

    I disagree with the notion that women are content with having varied sex with one monogamous partner. As for myself and other women I’ve spoken with, we too like the idea of sex with a variety of partners. The difference lies in the attitudes towards this. Women tend to understand men’s desire for variety, but men find it harder to accept that women would want that too. It is easier for men to believe we would be just as happy with one guy forever, because that belief is more palatable to them. The double standard rides again!

    1. 3.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      No, Jane. You’re wrong. Just because the results of the study don’t apply to YOU doesn’t mean it doesn’t apply to other women. You are in the minority. I don’t judge you for it. But don’t tell me that I’m lying or perpetrating a double standard. In general, according to that study I cited, men want variety, women want monogamy. The exceptions don’t disprove the rule.

      1. 3.1.1

        Wow!   Harsh response.    This “study” seems to be flawed …..what was the sample size, where the females married, unmarried, bi sexual, abused in their childhoods, etc. there is nothing in this study to indicate this is an appropriate sample, nor does it account for cultural and religious differences as I would suggest that those are factors that would impact a “Spanish” study versus a non Spanish study.

          So Evan, I would suggest that perhaps you may be wrong in your extreme support of this study.  Believe it or not, we as women do in fact know what we do and don’t fantasize about more than you or this study may propose to push on to us.

  4. 4

    @Evan, post #4
    I see that type of rejoinder all of the time:
    “I don’t care that I haven’t put in the time studying a situation an expert educated in the subject has.   That conclusion doesn’t apply to me personally, so it isn’t true for anyone”

  5. 5

    women want monogamy but this doesnt mean that our fantasies are monogamous too. It also depends on the woman’s age. Personally, my fantasies were more romantic when i was younger. Now that i am more liberate, my fantasies are wilder than before..Fantasies are different from action. In action i am monogamous. Of course i speak for myself, i don’t know if i am in the minority.

  6. 6

    I believe that most woman WANT a monogamous relationship, but not sure it plays that big a role in most of our fantasies.
    Then again, I can only go off myself and who I know.
    We, as women, have for the most part, been raised to believe in romance and everlasting love is a beautiful fantasy.

    I enjoy both types of fantasies. I enjoy sharing with my partner as well.  
    Not surprised about the guys though. 😉

  7. 7

    hm) i guess i tend to be more on “man” side with my fantasies))) something really wild (no midgets, though)))
    i don’t think it’s about gender – mostly personality difference.

  8. 8

    Re Jane’s post in 3 and EMK response in 4.
    No she probably isn’t in the minority. I am the same way. I have very sexual dreams. I don’t have any romantic fantasies. I have more sexual fantasies. They actually have reduced over time because I’ve gained more sexual experience and therefore don’t need to feel the same desire in the fantasy. Been there, done that.
    I think this study has flaws like any other so I wouldn’t put my eggs in this basket.
    This study is terribly contradictory. First it says:
    “The study found that there aren’t significant differences between the genders when it comes to sexual fantasies.” and goes on to say later
    “Women fantasized about romance, while men’s subconscious travelled to the forbidden territory of cheating and orgies.”
    I don’t think the Jane’s and Me of this world are simply outliers. We represent something that cannot just be dismissed away as ‘we are the minority’.
    Didn’t you post earlier in a blog post that women enjoy sex just as much as men? This study certainly likes to dismiss its earlier finding that there aren’t significant differences between the gender but then says that women are more into romance.
    I call bunk on this science!

  9. 9

    Thank you PAULA for backing me up!!!

  10. 10

    Is it possible to be both? To be okay with monogamy, to feel it is the only sane way to go, but at the same time to have night dreams  that involve multiple people? lol

    Fantasy, to me, means conscious, or daytime dreaming. So, yeah, during the day, when I think of my bf, it is a monogamous thing and I’ll think about us together later,  etc. But at night, dreaming, boy, it is, and  has always been, very different and my orientation seems to be more male (multiple partners).    

    I’ve also seen studies that say men are the more adventurous in bed, then others that contradict that (that women are in fact more adventurous). I think it must depend on the individual. You are either creative or not I think. If you want to stay in love I suggest spending some time thinking of surprising things to do together.    

    I often wonder how religion has messed people up sexually. But that’s another topic for another day.

    PS Evan, got Carol Allen’s latest email (astrology) and I really think a good topic for discussion is the “highly sensitive female” vis a vis online dating. She is a whole other species……    

  11. 11

    Dagaz Said: something really wild (no midgets, though)
    What is wrong with “midgets”?

  12. 12

    ShortAndSweet: nothing in particular. i was quoting/referring to the original study – they have mentioned it there.

  13. 13

    Moral of a story is men understand to keep excitement alive they need number of women and women dont.

  14. 14

    I think there is a difference between dreams and fantasies… Well, for me anyway.   My fantasies are something I create purely for my own pleasure, the people in them have been entirely created by me, as in how they look, and are my idea of perfection, as is the scenario, it’s never people that I know. And yes, multiple people *do* form  part of my fantasy because it’s something I never would/could do in real life.

    Sexual dreams on the other hand, for me, are entirely unexpected.   They always involve someone that I know, not necessarily my partner. Once I dreamt about my vet (total surprise) and could never make eye contact with him again after that! 😉

    @Ellen #  11:       Yes, I would love to see an article/blog post on highly sensitive women in dating and relationships. There is far too little written on this. Being a highly sensitive person this would be particularly beneficial to me.

  15. 15

    I’m not surprised by the findings regarding the men fantasies.

    But for women, this is somewhat unexpected for me. I think women fantasies are way more complicated and wild than most people (men) would ever imagine.

    I remember reading a book on women fantasies 4-5 years ago and my god…let’s just say women have a great sense of imagination.

    I’m not hating. I actually find it amusing.  

    You can check out the book here: My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies by Nancy Friday.  

    It’s an extremely interesting read (for both men and women).

  16. 16

    Gotta agree with Jane. I’m in my thirties. When I was younger, I fantasied more romantically. Even I liked to be more romantic in bed. Now I’m pretty far away from that. I’m more of a sl#t these days. My man loves it.

  17. 17

    Jane, I agree with you that female sexuality is a very complex thing – heck, sexuality is a very complex thing and it is not necessary a given that women look for monogamy under all circumstances. There are lots of anthropological/primate/physiological studies (sexual dimorphism, robin baker’s sperm wars etc) out there that indicate that both sexes seek out multiple partners for a variety of reasons, some speculating that aside from genetic variety, female promiscuity could serve a function of protecting young by confusing paternity and preventing infanticide and ensuring all males have a vested interest in protecting all the young (because they can’t be sure they are definitely not fathers of the young they are protecting). There is absolutely no biological function for women to crave romance apart from culture and socialisation.
    However, that being said, testosterone does play a very big part in sexual behaviour and sexualisation of the brain. Transexuals who have made to break from female to male and undergone testosterone therapy relate how testosterone brings a more domineering and controlling and objectifying edge to their sexuality – hence the more aggressive, impersonal and pornographic nature of men’s fantasies. While women may have fantasies involving multiple men (or maybe not), the relationship/emotional element of their fantasies definitely would feature more prominently than in men’s fantasies. Having several men fight over her love is actually quite common.

  18. 18
    Karmic Equation

    When I “dream”, uncontrolled by consciousness – the sex is romantic. Intense and emotional, sensual even.
    When I fantasize, controlled by my consciousness, the sex is raw, earthy, and energetic, non-emotional, sometimes sensual, sometimes not.
    Not exactly sure what this means, though. LOL
    Overall, I’d say +1 to Maya #17…

  19. 19
    One woman

    Hmm.. I almost never get romantic fantasies – only raw sexual and they are about 99% of my fantasies.
    Sex on a elevator with a stranger, to the table.. images flash in my mind – but almost never I get similar romantic ones.. never kissing or anything such boring stuff.
    Only if a man writes something romantic to me, I can see it as an image.. other than that it is SEX in different ways, and most of my fantasies even politically incorrect nonk.


  20. 20

    I think the “50 Shades of Grey” phenomenon proves women have a healthy enough sexual fantasy life…

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