Are Some Fantasies Better Kept A Fantasy?

Are Some Fantasies Better Kept A Fantasy?

My husband wants me to have an affair and has fantasized about it for the last 5 of our 10 years together. He gets turned on at the mere thought of me having sex with someone else. And, this fantasy doesn’t go away.

We had some serious problems a couple of years ago and I was unfaithful once. I told him and he went from hurt, to jealous, to turned on and asks me to talk about it now during sex. The fantasy arouses me too, but I’m mainly aroused by his arousal. Is this type of fantasy better kept a fantasy? I would never be turned on at the thought of him with another woman. Thanks for your advice.


Oh, Sugar, Sugar.

Sounds to me like you just got the world’s best (and rarest) hall pass:

Men Who Want Their Wives to Fuck Other Men.

This is also known as cuckolding, and I’m not quite sure I’m the go-to guy on the subject. In our household, we joke that one day (maybe on my 50th birthday), I’ll get my threesome with another woman. There are no equivalent jokes about watching my wife with another man.

They’re fantasies. They don’t have to be acted out in real life if it would cause real life harm to the relationship.

But here’s the thing with fantasies…

They’re fantasies. They don’t have to be acted out in real life if it would cause real life harm to the relationship. Which is why it’s harmless for me to joke about a threesome; I would never bring someone home from Craigslist and ruin my marriage because of it. And it’s why your husband is still pressing for the idea of seeing you with another man. In fantasy form, it’s harmless. In reality, well…

…you’re kinda like me — a sexual hypocrite. It’s cool if you’re with someone else; you just don’t want to imagine him with another woman.

Thankfully, he’s not asking you to imagine that. He’s asking if you’re open to being with another man with his permission. And from what you’re saying above, it sounds like you are.

You wonder if this is okay because it’s not the other guy that excites you, it’s being aroused at his arousal. Well, who cares? Arousal is arousal. Being aroused at someone else’s reaction is why men have responded to women’s fake orgasms since the beginning of time. So, on the surface, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him taking pleasure in you taking pleasure out of another man.

Where things may go awry is when unexpected emotions arise.

Will your husband truly be cool watching you have sex with another man? Hearing about it afterwards? Sleeping in the same bed where the deed was done? It may sound great in theory; who knows what he’ll feel like after the fact. One may be able to intellectually separate sex and love, but jealousy isn’t a rational emotion.

Being aroused at someone else’s reaction is why men have responded to women’s fake orgasms since the beginning of time.

Similarly, how will you feel about unleashing the dragon of polyamory? Maybe this is a one-time deal. Maybe your husband will want to see you with more and more men. Maybe you’ll get emotionally bonded to one of these new men. Maybe this one experience will irrevocably change the way you view sex and marriage. That’s a lot of maybes on which to risk a marriage.

Strangely, the good thing that you have going for you is a ten-year relationship that has already overcome infidelity. This means you should be able to address most of these concerns beforehand, and deal with any surprising emotional issues that come up afterwards.

So am I giving you the green-light to have sex with another man even though you’re married?

Yes, but I wouldn’t be if I didn’t think that your relationship couldn’t survive it. You have to accept your husband at his word that this will be a turn-on, and if this arrangement doesn’t work for both of you, you must return to the way things were before — with Pandora firmly back in the box.

Let us know how it goes.

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  1. 1
    Some other guy

    Oh dear, this is seriously playing with fire. Separating sex from love smells like it’s the start of a dangerous path, one that conflates pleasure with happiness.
    A former girlfriend once suggested a threeway, and though of course it’s every man’s fantasy – and it  was appealing – in the end I declined because I wanted to limit my loving to the one that I loved.
    Good luck.     Are you looking for volunteers? 🙂

    1. 1.1

      Yes I am actually. were going to have a mmf threesome soon and I ws given the green light to do it.

      1. 1.1.1

        im down

    2. 1.2

      There is a problem in separating love from sex for married couples because the whole purpose for marriage is to be sexually faithful to each other so that the children of the union are guaranteed to be carrying the genes of the couple and not the wife and someone else. It is not good in evolution for a man to spend his life providing for a child that has someone else’s gene pool.

      Most couples do not understand the science of sex and the powerful hormones that come into play after sex. Sex bonds a couple regardless of any rules or desires and therein lies the problem. Every couple we know who brought in outside sex partners ended up getting married and divorced multiple times. Despite promising to see a man outside of marriage only once, many kept on see their lovers without their spouse’s knowledge.

      I never will understand why some who think sharing their wives is somehow an elevated marriage with more love and trust. Women do not leave their husbands over just sex. They leave their husbands because they find someone better in areas other than sex. They fall in love despite not wanting to and what makes any husband think that merely allowing their wives to have sex with others, usually with rules, is going to make her act any differently than wives who cheat and fall in love with their sex partners.

      From my experience with good friends, it seems that the wife knows that sex with others is OK if their husband knows about it so when they want to see someone again and that is against the rules, the lying is the sin, not having sex with others. Fidelity goes out the window and the easier to break sin is just lying. Show me a wife who does not keep some secrets from their husband and I will show you a robot wife. 🙂

      Men who claim that those of us who get jealous feel that we own our wives, treat them like property and yet they give their wives “permission” or “allow” them to have sex with others, usually under rules imposed by the husband. What they say is love is actually the thrill of having their sexual fetish fulfilled. They like to watch, to hear about it, to know that other men desire their wives and yet they return to their husbands, to satisfy masochist needs and a whole slew of other reasons. Interestingly enough, those who interview and report on these type of couples show that more than half of the husbands are feeding their bisexual feelings through their wife. They want to taste the other man on her and here all about it.

      I am married for almost 50 years and never shared my wife and when asked about it, she decline saying that I really love her, I would not want other men to go through the act of impregnating her. That is what sex is about and is often forgotten by people today due to birth control. It is an act of trying to have a baby with someone, not a game. If they truly loved their wives there would be no restrictions. If she needs more money than the husband can provide, then love her enough to live with her boyfriend. Why have rules if you do not think having sex with others is a treat. Let her stay with other men for months, go on vacation with them. I slept with married women before I got married and basically felt like I got to have sex with them but without having to support them and do all the boring stuff that the husband has to do for the same sex I get. I thought the husbands were suckers and being played by their wives. Non of the wives had anything nice to say about their husbands other than they thought they were gay as they also assumed the role of a housewife at home, doing the housework and cooking but protesting their masculinity in an apron while other men bring their wives to the ultimate pleasure that sex provides.

      This is a fetish, not an open relationship. Prime to a relationship is sexual fidelity. Without that you are not in a relationship but something else.

      1. 1.2.1

        Peter, this is the best response I’ve read. While I do not think this is the entire story, I do think it is the backbone of it. It is a fetich to be sure. It is 100% not about freeing the wife to do as she pleases. As you said, it almost always comes with some sort of conditions. In the rare case that the man gives up total control, and assumes the apron in the kitchen, it simply points to an even deeper problem. A need for humiliation, which is nothing more than an addiction, like any other addiction. It’s just further along the path. Deeper along the trail. When you are humiliated, chemicals are released. Most try to keep this for the most part, private. Some may know about it, but most won’t. Most who do this would be mortified if their co-workers or extended family knew about it. This is something they keep in the dark, as much as they can. I think this is much like what you describe, which is much like a roller coaster. You want to experience the rush of danger without the true consequences. But as you noted, this is foolish thinking because there are always consequences.

      2. 1.2.2

        Peter I agree with you but women have changed and believe me if I could find a woman that would want to be with me and onlye I would love it! Every women I have am with always seem to want to be kinky! I know they are sexually satisfied with me but they always want to take it further and I fell for it once and it ruined my marriage and now my current wife wants to take our fantazies further and I told her it would ruin us! I am contemplating walking away from her and spend the rest of my life single. Women just are not what they were in your generation!

        1. tbp

          I agree with you.

        2. val

          some of us are Don… My guy and I still fight and I cannot trust him since he tried to trade me for a swapping   deal    I was horrified   and my heart was broken to think he’d want that and I’ve never healed from it .. I love sex with only my man and to have great sex u need real love.. .we don’t have sex anymore either .   it’s been destroyed

      3. 1.2.3
        The dude

        Wow petet your long winded and i gather a god fearing man. I have one guestion. Why would someone like your self even read a post like this in the first place. Seams as your hear to judge


    3. 1.3

      My wife and I have had several mfm’s, the last just a week ago and our relationship is wonderful. It’s even better after a sexual adventure and I have no interst in another woman for myself. I might add I’m 100% straight myself but join them in having sex. It’s not an everyday thing but over the 15 years of our marriage it has happened several times , including the first two months after we married, with no problems.

  2. 2

    Not sure I agree with this idea.   What happens if he likes the idea so much you always have to sleep with other men?
    Would you agree to that?

    1. 2.1

      Why wouldn’t she?! I wish my husband would be into this.

  3. 3

    I had this experience with a long term bf and he did start to want it a lot.We would be places and he’d ask me if it was ok to do his friend.He and I have been in a situation for 11 yrs I did it 3 times then I stArted to feel like I was being played or pimped out.

  4. 4

    Somethings work for some people not all our relationship was off for a day or so then on.He is an Alpha male our situation is he says he loves me but doesn’t follow thru with actions too much.If I No contact him he hates that, if I call or makes plans with him it seems as though he doesn’t like that too much either he has broken dates promises over and over.

  5. 5

    Wow!   What’s next……orgies?   

    1. 5.1
      Dave perry


      i have to laugh at some of the replies. Whether you are male or female why are you hear reading these posts??? Exactly. Most everyone has a fantasy (both sexes )and are intrequed by this. Some can make it happen others wish they could.

      Bottom line ask yourself why are you here reading these posts. We are all in the same boat.


  6. 6

    What a coincidence you posted this. Recently a man who is dating a close friend of mine asked if I thought she would be turned on by a similar situation, except in this case he would be the one having the approved infidelity. He thought that if he did something physical with someone and she knew about it, she might like that because in the end he comes back to her instead. I know her quite well and my reflexes kicked and I emphatically replied “NO!” before catching myself.     The right thing was to say I was not comfortable talking about that with him. Knowing her as I do, I was a bit startled (he should know that about her by now) and after that I suggested he think about talking it over with her since it really isn’t my place. I don’t know if he will or not.
    Different relationship styles work for different couples.   What matters is open and honest discussion between them in a caring way that feels safe (I hope I did not sabotage that by spooking this man).   Fantasies and comfort levels regarding acting on them or just keeping them inside their mind are decisions each couple has to make on their own. Whether a couple has that discussion and how they resolve is between them;   we can’t know their minds.

    1. 6.1
      Dave perry


      also just a reminder guys giving you wife or girlfriend a free hall pass is very easy to pursade her. Think about it what woman will turn down such an offer ??   Make sure you are VERY ok with this after. Getting her to fuck someone is easy getting her to stop could be not so easy lol

      1. 6.1.1

        Gimme a break. Every woman would not jump at that request. It is demeaning. Especially if you entered into that relationship thinking it was this treasured monogamous entity. That you were being singularly adored by this one person. Not this piece of meat to be shared by others. It is a bit of a heart breaker. I say this from my own experience.

    2. 6.2

      AllenB, he asked you because you were probably who he had in mind fooling around with. Only   very alph males go out in the wild to look for females to cheat with. They’re alpha, they can get women. Most men are betas and so resort to their wives friends and females close to the family. Women who usually won’t give them the time of day in the real world are now receptive to their advances simply because their wives are friends with them and if it’s a fairly good marriage, these female friends see him in a whole new different light. After experiencing infidelity on multiple levels, my word of advice to traditional and monogamous married women is, don’t have single friends. Married couples need other married couples as friends. Also no hanging around the house with your female friends while the hubby is home.

  7. 7

    Your husband has already gone through the hurt and being jealous when you told him or did he find out the hard way when you cheated on him – and now wants to watch you with other men???  That sounds kind of ‘off’ to me and you need to find out what this ‘fantasy’ of his actually entails you doing with other men before you say yes or no. You’re both adults and you’re saying its a turn on for you too, maybe you’re one of those couples with a marriage that can work having sex with other people. Maybe not! Just remember you are not anyone’s sexual plaything or toy.

  8. 8

    Sugar. Just a thought, you’ve been married for a while, do you have any children?  

  9. 9

    You do not have to look far to find marriages that were ruined by trying to be “open marriages.”   They do not work.

    1. 9.1

      I have experienced that and now my current wife wants to make our sexual fantasies real and I told her what happened and she is not listening to me!

      1. 9.1.1

        Don, you need to let her know in a firm but loving way that this is a deal breaker.   If she doesn’t stop, the marriage is over.   It is possible that she has a friend pushing her.   Maybe a friend who wants you both to swing with her.   Maybe your wife already is, but just wants it to be out in the open so she can enjoy it without fear of being caught, and free from guilty feelings.
        Good luck to you.

    2. 9.2

      Jane, I knew a couple who opened their marriage. Both wanted to open it, turned out that the wife ( very pretty) quickly developed a waiting list of men! The husband had very few dates while she was going out every other evening. After a couple months he realized that she had over 17 men and he was far behind her and then he wanted to go back to monogamy. By this time she was enjoying herself so much that he had much difficulty in reversing the situation. Slowly she reverted back to close the marriage. Sometimes opening a marriage can be difficult to go back to only the spouse.

  10. 10

    I used to have a friend with benefits that got turned on when I slept with other men.   He did the same thing – he wanted me to talk about it during our romp sessions.
    But then…he started to get emotionally involved…and me hanging out with other guys started to become a problem – so obviously sleeping with them was also an issue. This was a problem because I was not emotionally attached to him (nor did I agree to exclusivity), which eventually “broke his heart”, so he says.
    I’m not quite sure what this situation in particular involves.   I know mine is different in many ways.   All I know is he was fine with it and then he wasn’t.   In both cases, I knew because he told me.   He told me to do it because he liked it…then he told me to stop because it was making him jealous and overly-protective.
    Some guys really do like things like this.   Truth is, as long as you two communicate openly about the issue at hand, and set some boundaries, I think you will be fine.   Just make sure he’ll tell you when enough is enough…if ever that time comes.

    And…if you’re the kind of woman to get emotionally involved once you have sex, I would recommend against it…and tell your husband this as well.   It may potentially cause problems.

  11. 11
    Sparkling Emerald

    I think he’s using this as a gateway to sleep with other women.   Or his bizarre way of punishing you for past infidelity.
    JM2C, but if you were really cool with this, you would be doing it and not writing to an advice columnist so,   DON’T DO IT !  

    1. 11.1

      Nope. Lot’s of men actually want to see their wife/girlfriend date and/  or sleep with another man, with no ulterior motives and my guess is that this is definitely one of them.

  12. 12

    The fact that he has been consistent in bringing up the fantasy for years, and once it got real, still found his way back to arousal tells me he just might be one of those men that is turned on by this. He’ll probably be good as long as he doesn’t feel you’ll actually leave/choose another man over him. But Sugar, would he ever use this against you/throw it in your face if he got mad? If he did are you comfortable enough with it to shrug it off or will you feel deeply injured? Will he eventually feel comfortable requesting that you sleep with specific men ( like his friends) and are you interested in that? its a control thing for him, no doubt, but at the end of the day it’s your body.   Those are the things I think you need to consider here.  

    1. 12.1

      If my wife slept with someone else I could never recover from that and that would be it for us.    No fantasies here.

      1. 12.1.1
        Discreet RA

        Different strokes for different folks. Everyone is different. I do believe at least, meeting my partner halfway, instead of losing my marriage and family.

        I will agree, to keep it as a fantasy in bed.

  13. 13

    Those unintended consequences are always pesky little things.

  14. 14
    Karl T

    So, anytime anyone second guesses or asks for more information about anything means they shouldn’t do something merely because they are asking???   The OP wants more info about this and I think it is wise of her to ask because she needs more advice on the possible repercussions of this decision.   It doesn’t mean she should not do it.   OP, it is wise to ask about this and hopefully based on the advice you can make a better decision about how you would like to proceed.   I certainly will not instruct you on whether to do it or not, that is entirely up to you.

  15. 15

    I have had all sorts of weird fantasies. Some of which are very very inappropriate. Not just on a fidelity level, but on all sorts of levels. I would never consent to live out these fantasies, but I am okay with having the fantasy because it is not real.  
    I feel this might be the case with your man. If he has reacted badly to you being with another man before, then he’ll probably react badly again. Also I know this happens sometimes, is there a chance that he’s testing you? Make sure that its him that you truly want? He might not be doing it consciously.  

    1. 15.1

      While anything can happen, this isn’t necessarily the case.   I’ve been a jealous guy in some instances, but would love to see my wife with someone.

      Being betrayed by your spouse can be completely different than having a fun time together you both agree on.    In addition, people slowly change over time.

      The question here is:   Would you be okay with doing this for him if you knew this wouldn’t hurt your relationship.   (Or somehow even made it stronger?)

      Personally, I find it contradictory to cheat on someone, then deny them the pleasure of watching the same thing.   I.e.   How can you justify sneaking around behind his back and yet think this is wrong?

  16. 16
    Sparkling Emerald

    Another thing to consider, this could also be a gateway to him pimping you out to his friends.   JM2C — this is playing with fire.

    1. 16.1

      First you say it’s to sly way to sleep with other women.   Next you say he wants to turn her into a prostitute.


      Do you have someone you love and trust?   If so, would you believe those things over the idea that he’s telling the truth and putting himself out there?


  17. 17

    I think the husband’s feelings about this are very mixed – the first time she was unfaithful, his first reactions were jealous and hurt.
    I think it’s something he probably likes more in theory, and if I were her and valued my marriage, I wouldn’t do it.

    1. 17.1

      “While anything can happen, this isn’t necessarily the case.   I’ve been a jealous guy in some instances, but would love to see my wife with someone.

      Being betrayed by your spouse can be completely different than having a fun time together you both agree on.    In addition, people slowly change over time.
      The question here is:   Would you be okay with doing this for him if you knew this wouldn’t hurt your relationship.   (Or somehow even made it stronger?)
      Personally, I find it contradictory to cheat on someone, then deny them the pleasure of watching the same thing.   I.e.   How can you justify sneaking around behind his back and yet think this is wrong?”

      1. 17.1.1

        I agree. My wife and I have figured out that sex and love are entirely separate. You don’t eat at the same restaurant all the time. Why would you not want to experiment sexually for the pleasure only? In our case it was my initial idea and my wife decied to give it a try. After a few 4sums I decided I loved seeing her with another guy with me joining them instead of having another woman for me because my pleasure was more watching my wife enjoying herself. In a 4sum I felt I was cheating the other woman by paying more attention to my wife. After years of mfm 3 sums , the thrill is still there for both of us and we love each other more than ever.   When you taking the cheating out of a situation, the sex is awesome and if everyone did it this way, there would be far less divorces. I believe that 90% of divorces are over infidelity and enjoying sex together with another is as good as it gets with no mistrust.

  18. 18

    Such a decision goes down to where you place sex and sexual fidelity  in your value system, and which school of thought you subscribe to.
    The common understanding is that men are, in geneal, more likely than women to desire multiple partners, and that  women who openly diverge from this stereotype are considered abnormal/amoral/compartmentalizing etc.   So, the first decision the OP has to make is, whether she is comfortable with losing her status of “normalcy” in the eyes of her husband but also possibly society at large, because the more people get involved in this adventure, the more risky is that word will spread.   I personally do not think it’s worth the price.
    The second question is, if she is fine with number one, is it worth to help a loved one (I assume she loves her husband) get something that they strongly desire, if you are fine with the personal consequences to you.   To that, I say yes.

    1. 18.1

         I disagree Kiki. I have found that if you build trust with a woman and get her to be real and honest; most have fantasies of multiple men. Women want love and respect. If a none threatening male broaches this subject the results can be very interesting.
         Personally my woman is very jealous of other women, but is open to the possibility of another man. My last 3 girlfriends admitted that the thought of 2 men at once was their number one fantasy.
         I am in a committed relationship and we are both faithful. She has never fooled around on me or I her. We have been together for five years now and all is well.
         I agree with Julia below it is simply a kink! I have no desire to have an affair and no desire to put her in a situation where she becomes jealous.
         We have talked about “kinky sex” in the context of other couples or men. Seems she does not feel threatened by swapping. The thought of a threesome with another man really turns here on.

      1. 18.1.1

        hi i started having fantasies of threesome with my wife and another man. It really got me off. I started having these fantasies after a night of intense sex with her and did a lot of dirty talk. I asked her if she ever been with another woman before and it was a suprise to hear she did on several occasions. So I started to think oh god I married a bisexual. But then I started fantasizing of her being drilled by another man. I don’t know why I started thinking about that and being turned on by that. I had to put myself in a real life thought of actually going through with it and I just could never let another man touch my wife. I just realized I separated fantasy from reality of my real emotions on this. And she doesn’t want that to really happen either so that’s good. She’s an amazing woman. I guess what I’m getting at is our hormones cause us to be irrational because they are the most powerful substance in our bodies. Our hormones are the movers and shakers within us and we can’t act on impulse. Sit back for a while put yourself in those shoes and see how you really feel. I agree that it is ok and natural to let both partners to have their fantasies but not in real life. Control your hormones don’t let them control you. It’s for the better.

        1. Carly

          sal:   The plain truth is that your wife is normal in her past flings with women and that certainly does not make her a bi. Many women are bi- courious and tested the waters.

      2. 18.1.2

        I agree, the relationship has to rock solid and if it’s not then don’t try this please.

    2. 18.2

      We’ve done this for years and most of our friends are not aware, but if ever asked, as some have, we do not deny that we are very open sexually and I’m OK with her having sex with other guys , as long as I’m there either as a participant or a voyeur.

  19. 19

    So unlike everyone else, I think this is simply a kink, not some weird manipulative way so he can sleep with other women. So Sugar, the first question you should ask yourself is if you want to sleep with other men? If no, tell your husband and play with his fantasies through talk. If you are interested, talk with your husband for the way for this happens that would be best for your relationship. Not everyone’s relationships are the same. The things I need and want aren’t want everyone needs and wants.

  20. 20

    Julia- I tend to agree with you that it’s not the gateway to other women. If that’s what it was he probably would’ve brought it up/ just done it after she cheated.

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