Are Some Fantasies Better Kept A Fantasy?

Are Some Fantasies Better Kept A Fantasy?
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My husband wants me to have an affair and has fantasized about it for the last 5 of our 10 years together. He gets turned on at the mere thought of me having sex with someone else. And, this fantasy doesn’t go away.

We had some serious problems a couple of years ago and I was unfaithful once. I told him and he went from hurt, to jealous, to turned on and asks me to talk about it now during sex. The fantasy arouses me too, but I’m mainly aroused by his arousal. Is this type of fantasy better kept a fantasy? I would never be turned on at the thought of him with another woman. Thanks for your advice.

Sugar

Oh, Sugar, Sugar.

Sounds to me like you just got the world’s best (and rarest) hall pass:

Men Who Want Their Wives to Fuck Other Men.

This is also known as cuckolding, and I’m not quite sure I’m the go-to guy on the subject. In our household, we joke that one day (maybe on my 50th birthday), I’ll get my threesome with another woman. There are no equivalent jokes about watching my wife with another man.

They’re fantasies. They don’t have to be acted out in real life if it would cause real life harm to the relationship.

But here’s the thing with fantasies…

They’re fantasies. They don’t have to be acted out in real life if it would cause real life harm to the relationship. Which is why it’s harmless for me to joke about a threesome; I would never bring someone home from Craigslist and ruin my marriage because of it. And it’s why your husband is still pressing for the idea of seeing you with another man. In fantasy form, it’s harmless. In reality, well…

…you’re kinda like me — a sexual hypocrite. It’s cool if you’re with someone else; you just don’t want to imagine him with another woman.

Thankfully, he’s not asking you to imagine that. He’s asking if you’re open to being with another man with his permission. And from what you’re saying above, it sounds like you are.

You wonder if this is okay because it’s not the other guy that excites you, it’s being aroused at his arousal. Well, who cares? Arousal is arousal. Being aroused at someone else’s reaction is why men have responded to women’s fake orgasms since the beginning of time. So, on the surface, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him taking pleasure in you taking pleasure out of another man.

Where things may go awry is when unexpected emotions arise.

Will your husband truly be cool watching you have sex with another man? Hearing about it afterwards? Sleeping in the same bed where the deed was done? It may sound great in theory; who knows what he’ll feel like after the fact. One may be able to intellectually separate sex and love, but jealousy isn’t a rational emotion.

Being aroused at someone else’s reaction is why men have responded to women’s fake orgasms since the beginning of time.

Similarly, how will you feel about unleashing the dragon of polyamory? Maybe this is a one-time deal. Maybe your husband will want to see you with more and more men. Maybe you’ll get emotionally bonded to one of these new men. Maybe this one experience will irrevocably change the way you view sex and marriage. That’s a lot of maybes on which to risk a marriage.

Strangely, the good thing that you have going for you is a ten-year relationship that has already overcome infidelity. This means you should be able to address most of these concerns beforehand, and deal with any surprising emotional issues that come up afterwards.

So am I giving you the green-light to have sex with another man even though you’re married?

Yes, but I wouldn’t be if I didn’t think that your relationship couldn’t survive it. You have to accept your husband at his word that this will be a turn-on, and if this arrangement doesn’t work for both of you, you must return to the way things were before — with Pandora firmly back in the box.

Let us know how it goes.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    jay

    Starts with mutual respect and true communication.   I find that many couples don’t have good open communication as a cornerstone in the marriage.   Perhaps honesty and openness with ones self is difficult to achieve, but I feel these are the most important goals a couple must strive for and acquire before ever considering this form of expression and activity. That being said, we have developed a strong marriage of 20 years in which we share thoughts and opinions openly, weather we agree or not we communicate.

    Somewhere around the 5-8 year married time line we began to pillow talk about others.   Probably initiated by me (the male half) but with positive response from my wife.   This went on for several years.   We would talk about what friends she or I would like to play with and it was fun and resulted in lots of good sex.

    The wife brought up the 1st conversation about actually trying the real thing.   She has a friend (another woman) she and I had known for many years who had always been an outgoing flirty type and she was attracted to her.   We talked about the possibilities, the fun, the good and the bad.   Long story short, we had a few amazing FFM experiences with her and even though she has since found and married a fantastic guy (who is not interested in sharing) we are all still very good friends.

    I fall back on mutual respect and communication.   Selfishness has no successful place here.

    We recently explored the the MFM thing, also with a friend who lives in another state.   He recently went thru a divorce and was not dating or had sex in quite some time.   We thought this could be a good trustworthy candidate who would appreciate sharing.   While awkward at 1st.   once relaxed it was a great experience and amazed me how exciting it was to witness my wife enjoying another man.   And I found it very interesting how I was excited knowing he was enjoying my wife.   Sharing is what we like to call it.

  2. 82
    KAT

    I have done this fantasy twice to make my partner happy. Did I enjoy it No it sickens me to my stomach. I think this is a fantasy of Bi curious or bi sexual men. I am still being pressured to do it again . It is degrading. The biggest turn on for me wpuld be a man who loves his woman and wants to make love to her. Not watch every Tom Dick and Harry use her as a cum bucket.. Seriously that is not a respectful relationship.

    1. 82.1
      Charles

      Sounds like you really try to make your partner happy which is great.   However it looks like there is possibly some insecurity on your part, and clearly a lot of judgement.

      Sounds like bringing a lot of prejudices into basing your sexual interests.   Do you have a good sex life otherwise?   Are you otherwise creative or kinky with him?

      My candid advice:   If you believe this makes your partner is gay and that’s a problem:   You should leave him.

      However I can assure you from personal experience and the other comments on the board,   he is not gay unless you are leaving out details of him wanting to play with the other men.

      Regardless, he should respect you.   If you can’t find other ways to distract him you may not be compatible.   If you look at how he treats you in the rest of your relationship you can determine how much he truly loves you.   I can only attest that it’s possible to get enjoyment from watching other people’s pleasure.   If you’re not enjoying it, he shouldn’t want it.

      On average, guys tend to have much darker sexual fantasies, than women.   Really the choice should be his at this point.   Can you provide enough kink to satisfy him in a way that you both can live with?   Otherwise he may need to fantasize about you as an ex (unfortunately, that one you truly have no control over once your gone.)

      You can see which side I’d like to be on (his.)   Seeing you receive pleasure excites him, which I can relate to.   But in the interest of everyone who has these sorts of desires, it can only be played as long as both sides are willing.    He’s giving those of .

      Strait guy that enjoys this fantasy.

       

  3. 83
    Pieter

    Sexual grown up minds can handle sex for fun !! Once jealousy is overcome and in fact it becomes a stimmulater both can enjoy themselves In true love anything is possible to grow together if handled in love for each other !! Dis honesty is a bigger problem than clean jealousy

  4. 84
    Wishineverhad

    My husband asked and talked about this for years. He would watch porn about it behind my back and when out of state he got on a swingers website and started talking to people. He also called swingers clubs. Then told me to watch porn so I would know what to do. It started fights finally I gave in and we talked about rules. I told him that I would do this for him but I have no intention of sharing him with another woman. We don’t make it a habit only when he brings it up. But last night he decides that I owe him now since I have slept with another man we have to get a couple and do a full swap. I never wanted to see him with anyone else can’t even imagine it without crying. He is the love of my life been together for 10 years almost. I told him that I never wanted that Buti guess I can’t say no. Also I don’t want to know who she is or anything and deff don’t want to be there. My heart is broken. After we do what we do I feel like crap I hate myself I am ashamed. He says it’s jealousy that makes him want another woman now. The guy we do it with is the only one he stuff doesn’t work well but it excited my husband seeing me in action and I love the way he looks at me he doesn’t look at me like that any other time. It is a trap I feel like if I could go back I wouldn’t have done it at all. Emotions are running to high for me right now. I feel like I lost everything. Especially myself. Please think it through don’t make my mistake.

  5. 85
    MR

    Quite clearly this is not for everyone. Although we have found it very fulfilling. From bedroom fantasies to a holiday dare my wife ended up with several long term boyfriends over a 6 year period. Initially I found it difficult but as time went on I became used to the idea. Although the idea turned me on from day one. There was one guy she went out with for 11 months who I struggled with so the thought of him screwing my wife was less than palatable. But her first long term boyfriend I liked so I was happy with the situation.   In between the two long term guys she did have one offs. She always said after her and her first bf finished (we moved) if I wanted her to stop she would, but although I didn’t like him the situation excited me so was happy she was still being fucked.

    We have moved again and she is without a guy at the mo but she admits she misses the sex. At some point I think she will get anther boyfriend but it will be on her terms. Very much sex, little or no social, no friendly meet-ups or coffee’s out. Just sex when she text or calls. I am happy for her and would have no problem if she introduced another guy to me.

    Tbh it has changed our lives for the better, I still love her very much. I have watched have sex many times as well and I can see why she  enjoys this lifestyle as the guys are always that much bigger and have more stamina than me.   There is no greater thrill than seeing her dress up and kiss me goodbye knowing full well she will be back back in the early hours to join me bed fully sated.

  6. 86
    Dr. Will

    Most are completely wrong here: The most instense orgasm a heterosexual man can achieve is through sperm competition. It’s been scientifically proven over and over. If you want to get your partner pregnant ask her to tell you about sexual deed or past experience with another male and your heterosexual male partner will subconsciously ejaculate up to 40% more semen and have the most intense orgasm he can. Sperm competition is where Alpha male will produce more sperm and more intense orgasm than any potential threat or harm.

  7. 87
    Dr. Will

    Married Guys do this two part experiment 1.masturbate thinking of the hottest girl in your mind. The young neighbor girl etc…

    2. Now masturbate thinking of a young neighbor punk boy on top of your wife.

    Compare the orgasms. 100% of the time the latter will be almost double the intensity of orgasm. Sperm competition.

  8. 88
    Peter

    For a long time I wanted my wife to have sex with another man. She was seriously interested to do it in reality, but she didn’t dare to take the step. Now, we have no more sex and she is a kind of burden for me. However, she is dependent on me and I love her too much to leave her on her own which would be a disaster for her. Therefore, I offered to help her by looking for a good candidate through internet. I know that she may fall in love with the other man, but for me that is okay, because I don’t begrude her a good experience and when she is with another man, I can leave her without feeling guilty. That looks like a perfect plan. Isn’t it?

  9. 89
    Joe

    This is an extremely complex issue.

    From experience: We talked about this for many years and it became our “go to” for a night of hot sex. We didn’t realize it at the time but eventually it became the  only way we  for our sex life and we stopped making love and we always had “hot sex”.

    From my perspective.

    I am straight. I am in excellent shape. I work out. I cycle, run, swim… etc. I am not a “wimp”. I am not lacking in the “man zone”. I love and cherish my wife and I would give my life for her. This was not something I forced her to do. YES I was the first one to bring it up. It was out of my desire to give her the ultimate experience. I actually enoyed her enjoyment more than my own physical pleasure. 

    I am always looking to make something better. Sometimes I ruin things because I can’t enjoy them for what they are.. I can to better. I can last even longer in bed…. Can I average another .2 miles per hour faster on my cycling rides.

    When we decided to bring this to fruition it was like the excitement of dating all over again. We had to communicate and that was incredible. We talked like we did when we first met. We came up with our rules… etc. We had out safe questions.

    We joined Adult Friend Finder and set up a few initial meeting. At some point during the the initial conversation with “Mr. Maybe” I would bring up the fact we had a Labrador Retriever. That was her que to say either “Labs are the on breed that I would have around our children” = NO WAY IN HELL….”We love our Lab but we will rescue the next from from the SPCA” = Yes.  I knew to which direction to guide the conversation. We wanted our “Mr. Maybe” to know this was a “WE” thing not a “SHE” thing.

    Our goal was to have one person that we could meet for drinks and then rock her conservative world with a night of naughty fun. Finding that person was difficult. We did enjoy a few meetings but eventually I had to try to make it “better”. It became the central subject of our conversations and it eventually burned us out.  We stopped the MFM get togethers and life returned to normal.  She ended up having an affair but it had nothing to do with our MFM adventures but due to falling back into the routine of no communication.

    This will not fix your marriage. It will make it exciting for a while. If you have underlying issues this will cover them for a while but unless you deal with them … they will return.

    Every couple that is “IN THIS” will say that is has been great for our relationship. That is true… for a while. We had couple friends we met through this and they’ve all split up. No we didn’t swing. I was never interested in other women. We did seek out other couples that enjoyed this so we could have friends with a common interest.

    We learned the hard way that what we really enjoyed was the communication. The “I can’t wait to talk to my spouse”… energy we shared.

    We are separated and have been for a while. She is still the love of my life. We are great friends and I take full responsibility for what has happened. I have hope that we can completely reconcile but if not I will enjoy what I have with her. Yes it was a thrill and in all honesty there are mements I will never forget… but I would give anything to go back in time to say no.

    I completely understand how overwhelming the desire is. I search out pages like this to tell our story… our realy story.

     

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