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dating coach for smart, strong, successful women Evan Marc Katz
Hello Evan, I have a tough question. I have been dating this man for a long time. He is 37 and I am 34. On many levels, we fit nicely, and I consider him my friend in many things. The one area where we don’t match is sexually, and he has been trying to FIX ME for a long time. I am a GOOD GIRL and was brought up to not sleep around. At my age you would think I should be more advanced, but I am not. I just figured I would save myself for the guy I would marry. I am not sure if I was sold a fairy tale by my parents, but that is how I was raised.

The man I am dating is very sexually advanced and needs extreme sexual experiences. He is a voyeur and likes watching people. We have been idle in the relationship for 2 years; he doesn’t want to move forward because I will not participate in a threesome. I have stood my ground and even tried to end the relationship, but he looks for me all the time and I fall back into talking to him. I finally told him I cannot participate in that, and that I don’t feel comfortable, and that maybe we should be just friends. At first he didn’t like it, but had to accept it. Now he calls me drunk and is very vindictive telling me that I messed up his life, because he planned to marry me, but needed me to be more sexually open.

 

Evan, I feel like I have everything else that a man wants, but I don’t feel like I should participate in sexual acts I am not comfortable with. I really liked him for other factors. He is a good father to his children, he was consistent with me, and he tried to make things work between us, but he is flawed in trying to make me do something I don’t want to do. I feel sad and confused and wonder if I am wrong in not being open to extreme things. —With A Man But Still Lonely

Dear WAMBSL,

Listen, for all I tell women to accept men as they are, that means accepting only what’s acceptable.

A tough question requires me to think about my answer, to provide balance and nuance, to consider my words extremely carefully, and to hedge my bets just in case I come off too strong.

Your question? Your question is easy.

And the answer is the same as, oh, 80% of all inquiries I receive from women:

Cut him loose.

You did this already, but neither of you seem to have gotten the memo. When you cut a guy loose, it means you stop talking entirely, tell him to lose your phone number, and start dating other people.

What don’t you do? Write to a dating coach about whether you should have given him a chance.

Listen, for all I tell women to accept men as they are, that means accepting only what’s acceptable.

Acceptable is that he loves watching football on Sundays with his guy friends.

Acceptable is that he’ll go to bachelor parties at strip clubs from time to time.

Acceptable is that he’s still Facebook friends with his exes.

Acceptable is that he’s content in a career that is stable but will never make him rich.

Acceptable is that he’s got terrible taste in music and clothing.

These are character traits that are about him, and don’t actually impact you in any negative tangible way.

Things like this are non-negotiable, which is why you should really stop negotiating.

That said, if a guy spends all of his time and money at strip clubs, stays up until 2am every night studying fantasy football without sleeping besides you, and writes inappropriate sexual comments on his ex-girlfriend’s Wall, that’s an entirely different story. What I want you to do is be able to distinguish what you should compromise on (most things) and what you shouldn’t compromise on (character, commitment, values).

A man who insists that monogamy to you includes the presence of another woman is a man that should be kicked to the curb instantly. This doesn’t mean that he’s a bad human being or a bad father; it just means that his goals — polyamory — don’t line up with your goals — good old fashioned one-on-one monogamy.

Even though I think he’s wrong, I’m not going to say he’s “wrong”. If he finds a woman who likes to swing, then God bless all three (or four) of them. It’s just not going to be you, that’s all.

Things like this are non-negotiable, which is why you should really stop negotiating.

Because, without knowing either of you, his reaction to your stance is nothing if not childish:

He’s trying to “fix” you?
He’s drunk dialing you, telling you that you messed up his life?
He’s holding onto this pipe dream for two years after you said no?
Finally, he’s willing to put his desire for a threesome OVER your relationship?

Sweetie, get a clue. This guy is bad news — not just for you, but for any woman who believes that monogamy doesn’t involve a second woman.

The fact is that just about every guy would like to have a threesome — that’s standard, boilerplate, 21st century male fantasy. But if a man is willing to put his fantasy over your reality, he’s already established that he’s too selfish to be a good partner.

Stop returning his calls. Unfriend him on Facebook. And tell him to lose your number now.

There’s no shortage of men who would appreciate a good girl — as long as you have a bad side, too.