I Am in Love With My Boyfriend, But I Still Want to Get More Sexual Experience Before I Am Married

This is a question that is a response to ‘My Girlfriend Wants to Get More Sexual “Experience” Before Getting Engaged. What Should I Do?’ My question is coming from the standpoint as the girlfriend. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 28. We have been together for 8 months and he has told me over and over how much he loves me and knows I am the one for him. I feel very much the same about him. We get along great and love each other very much. Recently, he decided to tell me how many people he had sex with before me. I did not ask the question, as I think it’s best not to know. It’s none of my business and I didn’t want to risk getting hurt. This is because I had only been with one person before him (he knew this) and I knew he had been with at least 2 times more people than I. Well, he has been with 15 women. I do not think 15 is an outrageous number by any means. However, this number made me very jealous. Not that he has been with other women before me, because there is a reason they are in his past. But that I realized I have not been able to get out there and live and experience different sexual partners. I have already told him how I feel about this. We have a very honest relationship and I cannot let a problem fester inside me because then it will just blow up at a bad time.

What if it was you who had slept with 15 guys and your boyfriend didn’t have any sexual experience?

 

We talked about different solutions. One was taking a break. This would work in the sense that I would not be cheating, but I don’t want to break up! Also, I would die at the thought of him sleeping with other women, so I don’t want to do that to him. I also fear he wouldn’t take me back, and I wouldn’t blame him. Oh man! Second was being in an open relationship. Well that just does not work for me, I don’t roll that way. Third, was getting in a time machine and going back to when I was 20 and single and getting my fill of experience before meeting him. I need a DeLorean ASAP! So, obviously the third one will not work. I feel that since we are only 8 months into the relationship it’s best to decide what to do now, than wait however many years (if we even stay together that long) and risk even bigger heartbreak. Let me tell you though, this thought of needing more experience would never lead to me cheating on him. I do not cheat. I am very confused by my thoughts. I really want to be with him yet I want the experience. I cannot explain why I have these feelings. Any advice would be great! Thanks! P.S. Sorry this is so long!

 

Brenda

 

You know what you sound like, Brenda? A guy. Which isn’t a bad thing.

Jealousy is normal. Envy is normal. Insecurity is normal. Confusion is normal.

Your dilemma is what to do with all of these conflicting emotions.

You outlined all of your options clearly – take a break, have an open relationship, or break up (I’m not counting the time machine thing, although I agree it’s your best bet.)

And yet none of these options are appealing to you, because they mean driving a stake through an otherwise perfect relationship.

So let’s flip things over for a sec. What if it was you who had slept with 15 guys and your boyfriend didn’t have any sexual experience? What would you advise him?

Suddenly, the decision’s a lot easier, isn’t it?

“You don’t break up with me to fool around with some other women, you idiot!”

The more I read and the more I coach, the more convinced I am that the main thing keeping us unhappy is our expectations about how things “should” be.

If I spent my time worrying that I don’t have my own Dr. Phil-sized TV show, I’d be really unhappy.

…both of us wish we could have a piece of what the other guy’s got…without giving up what we’ve already got.

If I spent my time envying the Hugh Hefners of the world, I’d be really unhappy.

If I spent my time wishing that I were leading someone else’s life, I’d be really unhappy.

And yes, sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to be married to a 29-year-old woman instead of a 40-year-old woman. And what it would be like to get syndication fees for reaching millions of women instead of thousands of them. The grass is always going to be greener. But that doesn’t mean that your grass isn’t pretty darn green.

I’m reminded of a friend who met a woman when he was in his early 30’s. Three years into the relationship, he wasn’t positive he was ready for marriage, but he had no real compelling reason to break up with the woman he loved, who was in her mid-30’s. They got married and, now, at age 38, he has two healthy gorgeous kids.

Do you know how envious I am? I might not be able to even have 1 biological child.

By the same token, my buddy would always beg me to tell him my crazy online dating stories. In fact, this reminds me of an old Lavalife ad campaign that said: “Lavalife: Make Your Married Friends Jealous.” So true. No matter what decision you make, there are always tradeoffs.

I got to mess around with a lot of women before finding my incredible wife. My friend found his incredible wife at a younger age and missed out on sowing his oats. Who’s to say which is better – except that both of us wish we could have a piece of what the other guy’s got…without giving up what we’ve already got.

Alas, Brenda, that’s not how life works. You’ve already acknowledged that to get your sexual experience, you would have to damage the relationship severely. You can’t just manage to sleep with 10 guys and run back to your devoted boyfriend and say, “I’m done now! Let’s get married!”

So I want to encourage you to look at what you DO have, instead of what you DON’T have. If you’ve been reading this blog, you are aware that there are many women in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s who seem to have trouble believing that there are any good men out there who will tell you they love you and declare that you’re the one.

If you’re 24 and you think you’ve found Mr. Right, I’d say to hold on to him. If, in fact, he doesn’t prove to be Mr. Right, you can always get some more sexual experience.

And if he does turn out to be “The One”, congratulations, you found the most important thing that life has to offer. Well done.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Karl R

    Michael said: (#20)
    “In many places and times, self-worth is measured by how you measure up to other people.”

    In every place and time, you choose what measure your self-worth is based on. That’s why it’s “self” worth.

    Why do you choose to compare yourself based on one characteristic where you think you suck?

    If you want to see yourself as better than other people, try being a better person. Try being compassionate and generous. If you do that, I will see you as a better person, regardless of how you see yourself. If you want a concrete measure, give 10% of your income to charity. That will make you superior to 95% of Americans.

    “Imagine if you were alone, while seeing so many people around you with others,”

    That would be my situation for most of my adult life. It hasn’t affected my self-worth.

    “knowing that everyone whom you went to high school and college with are married.”

    I went to high school with 2,000 people and college with 4,000 people. I am not keeping track of everyone’s marital status. (I couldn’t even tell you if they’re alive.) Don’t you have a job or a hobby?

    “How would you feel? What would be the only logical way to feel?”

    I watch person after person getting divorced. I watch others remain unhappily married to horrible people.

    I feel a profound sense of relief that I wasn’t in such a rush to get married that I ended up in their situation.

    Michael,
    If you’re so convinced that sex proves something, why don’t you pay $20 to some crack whore? Then you can see for yourself how your self-worth improves (or not).

    And if you’re so convinced that marriage proves something, spend the $10,000 and get a mail-order bride.

    If you take the plunge, please let us know how much these “accomplishments” improve your self-worth.

  2. 22
    Dot LeSage

    Evan really hit the nail on the head! Stick it out with your guy. Either it’ll work out and you’ll be so glad you stuck with it or it won’t and then you can sew your oats all you want! Sounds like a win win to me.

  3. 23
    Jean Paul

    Staying in the relationship that doesn’t fulfil you just so that it lats doesn’t make sense to me. Fair enough, many women are disappointed with their sexual experience but are those women really good in bed themselves? If the girl feels she needs to be with other people, maybe there is something else going on in the relationship and this is just a symptom.

  4. 24
    sayanta

    EMK-

    If I spent time leading someone else’s life, I’d be really unhappy

    This struck a chord, because I know I definitely have a tendency to do this. I have a lot to be grateful for, but then I look at my friends, relatives, etc. and think, “oh, but s/he’s so much better off.”- it’s a hard, vicious cycle to break, and it does no favors to anyone. Under certain circumstances, it can incite motivation to reach certain goals, but the unhappiness and jealousy is so strong, half the time it’s just not worth it. LOL

  5. 25
    sayanta

    sorry for the double post- but I love that green grass quote! I should put it on post-it as a daily reminder.

  6. 26
    iris

    This is insane.
    Why need to get more sex partner to gain sexual experience ? So many thing you have to learn from each other as a life partner , especial in better sexual life.

  7. 27
    Debbie

    My? to Brenda is what exactly you feel you might gain from sleeping w/a lot of guys might bring you.  Experience maybe, but there are many guys out there who into for 45 seconds & out…………..what do you get out of that?. Maybe an STD or ? There are some great books on the market if you want to experiment w/the guy you really want to be with & this way you’re w/someone you really care about.  That’s what makes sex great!  Women feel sex differently than guys: we’re much more emotional about it.    I doubt you’d really enjoy sex w/a bunch of different people you barely know.   There’s many women out there who would love to be where you are right now……………wish they had waited for a guy they really cared about & enjoyed it.

  8. 28
    Terri

    Brenda:
    If your BF had the exact same number of sex partners as you have had, would you be okay with the status quo?  You mention being jealous of his additional partners – what great revelation do you think will occur after 1 or 2 or more experiences?
    And how many more will bring you up to the point where you feel you have had “enough”?
    I only read a few of the comments from others so do not know if I am repeating their opinions…..More does not mean better.  Quantity does not mean quality.
    Do you want to compare his sexual prowess with others?
    I have heard men say they would like to shrink their woman and put her on the shelf and take her down when needed.  It seems like you might want to put your BF on hold or in suspended animation while you are making comparisons for whatever reason and take him down if you decide he is “the one”.
    Whatever you decide, I wish you luck!

  9. 29
    Sarah

    Brenda,
    I understand your point but breaking up with him for a time will make things worst. Based on what you say, he seems to be a nice guy. What I did was to have a few affairs with other guys before getting married with my husband. Nobody got hurt, nobody knew. Just you and your lovers. That doesn’t mean that you don’t love your boyfriend. I think it’s part of our human nature. Trust me, you wont need to be with 15! After five or six (or even less), you wont want to cheat on him anymore.

    1. 29.1
      Cat

      Sarah (#29) I think that’s terrible advice and a great way to end up with STD’s (which will certainly inform your boyfriend of your infidelities and have consequences for him as well) and/or an unwanted pregnancy. And there’s no guarantee that your “lovers” will be discreet either. Not to mention, how good are you at keeping secrets from your best friend, your boyfriend, who you’d be cheating on and feeling guilty towards? That’s a whole lot of drama waiting to implode. Doesn’t sound too sexy, does it?

      I agree with what Evan said: “You can’t just manage to sleep with 10 guys and run back to your devoted boyfriend and say, “I’m done now! Let’s get married!” and, ultimately, this: “If, in fact, he doesn’t prove to be Mr. Right, you can always get some more sexual experience.”

  10. 30
    Kurt

    I feel sorry for the idiot who married Sarah (#29)!  If you have no remorse for cheating on the man who became your husband, I wonder what other selfish things you would do.

  11. 31
    Sarah

    Brenda, 

    I was in your position a year ago after being with my first boyfriend for 2 years. We broke up, and in a few months time I dated several men. We got back together about 8 months ago, and I deeply regret what I did. Even though I got the experience I was looking for, I still feel guilty for what I did. Also, now I have something to compare my boyfriend to, and quite frankly, he is lacking. If I were you I would stay with your boyfriend. 

  12. 32
    saint stephen

    Sarah #29 and #32
    are these both Sarah the same person or just a double coincident of same names reappearing? 

  13. 33
    James

    I’d like to offer one more side of this, from a jealous male who’s periodically frustrated about this issue (me being the one with fewer experiences).
    From personal reflection it may not be a matter of numbers at all. Rather, it may be that you realize your partner has effectively shut the door to those interesting experiences that they’ve had during their ‘stupid’ years. From my perspective as a guy, i wish i could have had those stupid experiences, but i ended up in fewer longer term relationships instead. Why? Shyness and awkwardness i suppose, but also partly because I felt it was far too shallow to break up with someone simply to try out another girl, so i persisted and ended up with fairly uninteresting relationships. Now that i’ve overcome the issues of shyness etc. it seems like a better chance to make up for lost time with some interesting, new experiences, albeit still serving certain insecurities i’ve yet to overcome.
    However, now i’m in a good relationship, but my partner has already had those experiences and seems to be done with experimenting. What this seems to do in my mind is produce thoughts of jealousy over previous lovers and how she was willing to ‘go crazy’ with them, but now she’s not willing to do anything of the sort for me. I do realize it’s the curse of the imagination getting the best of me. Those ‘crazy’ experiences are often the result of the girl’s insecurity not allowing her to turn down certain things at risk of being deemed stale, boring, or what have you (not to mention those ‘crazy’ experiences are very different to the person involved, sometimes painful, sometimes just humorous, although sometimes good as well). But emotionally it is hard to overcome. Questions such as ‘will this be the best i ever get?’ start to well up, and the imagination stirs…for a while, then i get over it for the most part and feel a certain gain in maturity…until the topic swings back around again.

    Given my experience, if there’s anything i can offer to this conversation, it’s the following:

    1. Regarding insecurity, it’s easy to say ‘self-worth’ should not be defined through sexual experience when your society isn’t guided by exactly that notion. Unfortunately that’s exactly what’s presented and reinforced endlessly in advertisements, bar talk, and chats with friends. Unfortunately, it’s something us guys have to deal with frequently (I can’t speak for girls). Those of us who have the experiences, share them. Those of us who don’t, exaggerate/lie…and then wish we had them. Unfortunately that is the society we (most of the responders here) live in. In India, by contrast, you seem to get much more respect by your ability to RESIST temptation, though i think that’s changing as well based on my conversations. That ought to be much more respectable, but that doesn’t make for interesting discussion now does it?

    2. Resisting the temptation to give in to what will (likely) amount to shallow experiences should be looked at as an opportunity to grow personally, or at least re-evaluate your priorities. It would be easy to go after the experience, but you’ll undoubtedly gain more respect later on if it works out and you tell your friends of your unshaken respect and desire for your partner and how you overcame this issue of experience. Undoubtedly, there are plenty of people who will understand and respect that. Knowing your advantages are just as important as knowing your disadvantages. This helps assure me that i’m doing the right thing by riding out my current relationship a bit longer and seeing whether it’s something i’d like to commit to for reasons OTHER than purely sexual experience. After all, it really comes down to my own insecurity, and if i can find a way to beat that in another way, then that has huge potential for personal growth.

  14. 34
    Jen

    I’m the woman who has less experience. I was 20 and my partner was 25 when we started dating; we’re now 24 and 28. I was a virgin. He wasn’t. Now neither of us is a virgin. He did some very hurtful things in our relationship (like…not being totally over his ex and bringing her up at every available opportunity for over a year).
    In retrospect, I know that had I felt better and more confident about MYSELF, I would’ve thrown a drink in his face and never spoken to him again. But I tolerated that abuse, frequently brought it up and told him I’d like him to stop talking about her/stop asking if I wanted to see pictures of her/stop talking to her, as he had lied to me from the start and insisted he wasn’t in contact with her at all. I was not happy to suddenly have that flipped on me.
     
    It has caused a lot of strife in our relationship. And now, at my age, I have started questioning if I made the right choice. Part of me wants to dump him, go off, see what else is out there, sleep with some people. I have been very, very tempted to cheat despite never having cheated in the past, although the thought that I couldn’t get anybody else…somebody halfway decent anyway…has been a big barrier and stopped me.
    I’m out of school now. I have a work-from-home job with excellent benefits, so getting anything in my field around here would only be a downgrade. So, I’m not really in a place to meet men.
    As a woman, for me, anyway, my lack of sexual experience has painted my view of myself. I had one other boyfriend before my current partner. Beyond that, I went out with another guy once or twice, nothing sexual, but a date I guess. The first boyfriend was very emotionally abusive to me and indicated that my weight problem at the time reassured him that “other guys wouldn’t look as much.” He was very controlling and insecure.
    I see my desire to sleep with other men as the function of multiple factors – including jealousy (“He was my first, why couldn’t I be his? Why did I have to hear about his tramp ex nonstop?”) and self-esteem (“I’ve only had one partner…I must be unattractive, especially that combined with my dating history”). It’s also just the simple fact that I’m getting older and I won’t have much opportunity as I get older, especially after I’m married. That’s assuming the decent route of not cheating, anyway.
    We’ve also had a lot of sexual problems in the relationship – his paranoia that he would get me pregnant (which, by his own admission, he did not have with his ex despite having pregnancy scares with her), so we’d only sleep together once or twice a month with gaps of up to 2 or 3 months in between. I had to beg for it. That finally ended about 8 months ago. And…he’s sexually selfish in bed, so that’s yet another hurdle. I guess I can take solace in the fact that despite the fact that he’s had a little more experience in bed than I do, it apparently didn’t do crap for his abilities.
    At the same time, we do have a decent relationship. That said, he’s getting very serious about marriage and he wants to plan a week-long vacation in a few months. This is very unlike him and admittedly I am worried that he plans to propose. I have told him that I feel I should get more experience before I get tied down. And yet at the same time, I don’t want to leave.
    I guess I’ll just have to live with the fact that I was never really attractive enough to get sexual attention from men until my current boyfriend. If I were to dump an otherwise decent boyfriend now and get back into the playing field – and I’ve got a good 50 pounds to lose – I’m likely to be single indefinitely, and I’ll wind up kicking myself, with little, if any, additional sexual experience while I’m single.
    I am watching too many single family members and friends try to work the dating field. If they’re overweight, even if they’re in their 30s, they conveniently never get a second date.
     

  15. 35
    Greg

    Jen

    It sounds to me like you want to use sex to validate yourself, to prove that you’re attractive.  Bad idea.  You’re going to get hurt very badly. It also sounds like you’re in a terrible relationship.  You might want to consider moving on.

  16. 36
    Tamara

    Why complicate things with more “experiences”.
    His past sexual experiences bother you and make you insecure etc, so why would you doing the same thing make anything better??
    Being with several people doesn’t make you a better lover.
    I feel that you want to have other sexual experiences not for the experience itself, but to make him jealous because you are.  This is not healthy.
     

  17. 37
    Billy

    Sarah #29, I really hope your husband finds out about your affairs. He deserves to know. When you’re in a relationship, unless specifically stated, there’s a mutual agreement that you two only have sex with each other. Now nobody is perfect, people will cheat…the thing is, after you do cheat, you have three choices:

    1. Tell him about it, 2. Break up with him 3. Don’t tell him and stay with him

    Now you owe him 1 or 2. He either deserves to know about it so he can decide whether or not to stay with you, or he deserves the common decency of you not carrying on with him, because:

     A. You may give him an STD, or B. He may not want to kiss or have sex with you after you did with someone else.

    By hiding it from him, you are making something you did wrong A LOT worse. I’ve been cheated on 3 times. The first two times, the girl told me, and even though I broke up with them, I forgave them and we remained friends. I was only a bit hurt. The 3rd time, I found out myself, and she denied it (after I showed her my proof, she then confessed) and I was VERY hurt, because she had tried hiding it from me, which I found to be more of an invasion of trust than the cheating itself was! That ruined both our relationship and our friendship, and resulted in me having trust issues that ended up ruining my next relationship, which lasted 8 months and would’ve been fine otherwise!

    Conclusion – Don’t cheat…but if you do, either tell him/her, or break up with him/her…don’t just carry on like nothing happened…that is unfair to him, and makes a bad situation 10 times worse, and if he/she finds out on their own, 100 times worse.

  18. 38
    Steven

    “And yes, sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to be married to a 29-year-old woman instead of a 40-year-old woman… The grass is always going to be greener. But that doesn’t mean that your grass isn’t pretty darn green.”
    OUCH!  Glad I’m not your wife. Oh, to be “pretty darn green” – I bet that makes her really warm and fuzzy.  I won’t be taking any advice on what info to keep to myself.

  19. 39
    Laila

    Wow! Nothing Sarah did was wrong and this post is not wrong.. It’s human nature to want to experience what’s out there & yes not being completely satisfied in your current relationship plays a big role.. I look at it like this 10 years from now will I be happy with my decision or regretful. At the end of the day it’s about making sure you’re happy… Plus you are soooo young.. And Sarah I don’t blame you girl I would’ve did the same thing I mean sleeping around is only a problem when you’re married… Like if he wants to be the only man getting it he needs to put a ring on it. Until then it’s all fun & games.. Just always practice safe sex!

  20. 40
    Tate

    @Laila
     
    You and Sarah are both wrong and have a twisted form of entitlement.  It is human nature to experience lust and desire, but not lie, cheat, and hurt someone you supposedly love. Even if they never find out you are still in the wrong. Your supposed to be a human being not an animal……geez

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