I’m Pregnant and My Husband Is No Longer Interested in Sex With Me.

My husband and I haven’t had intercourse lately because I am pregnant and he’s afraid it will hurt the baby. He didn’t have a problem with it from the beginning to the 6th month. I continuously give him hints and touch him playfully everyday, but he still refuses to have sex. I like to sleep alone so I make him sleep on the couch and he understands that, but he likes to sneak back in later when I am asleep and cuddle up with me. Okay, I admit, not having sex for a while is getting to me cause I am still young and virile. So last night I went to bed naked thinking he would cuddle up again and perhaps have sex, but no, he didn’t. Anyway, I caught him masturbating to Girls Gone Wild and it hurt me. I don’t know if I should be angry or forget about it. I know it hurts my feelings though that he chose to masturbate to other girls instead of having the real thing with me… Right now, I just don’t know how to get over it. Because of his actions, I feel that i am not attractive to him anymore. Any advice? -Hannah

Oh, Hannah. You sound very young.

And because you’re very young, it seems that there a number of things that you need to be taught about men that older women have already figured out themselves.

So let’s start from the beginning.

1. Your husband is afraid that having sex will hurt the baby.

The fear is normal, if a bit overstated. The reaction to this fear is ridiculous. Have you heard of Google? I just Googled “does sex hurt the baby?”

Here’s what the Mayo Clinic had to say:

“Your developing baby is protected by the amniotic fluid in your uterus, as well as the strong muscles of the uterus itself. Sexual activity won’t affect your baby.”

Until you start communicating like an adult couple, your sexual problems are likely to continue.

Now that we’ve quickly dispelled that myth, your husband doesn’t have any excuse.

Of course, it’s not as simple as that. Because your husband’s lack of desire to have sex is not really about hurting the baby. In fact, it may start with:

2. “I like to sleep alone so I make him sleep on the couch.”

Huh?

You expect your husband to feel warm, amorous and affectionate towards you when you treat him like a slacker houseguest in his own home?

You say “he understands that”, but I certainly don’t.

Tell your husband how you feel, ask him how he feels and get on the same page about your sex life.

And until you start communicating like an adult couple, your sexual problems are likely to continue. Ask him how he feels sleeping on the couch. Does it make him feel closer to you? Does it make him resentful? Does it impede the spontaneity of sex, given that he’s in a different room? I think the answers will be revealing.

3. “I caught him masturbating to Girls Gone Wild and it hurt me.”

More magic from Google: “how often do married men masturbate?”

Says one study, “Of the 647 who replied, 84% said they had masturbated in the three last months. While this may seem high, it is in line with other sources.”

So, given that the vast majority of married men still masturbate, given that you make him sleep on the couch, given that he’s worried he’s going to stab the baby in the head with his monster penis, and given that you’re six months pregnant, it doesn’t seem to be much of a surprise that he’s taking matters into his own hands.

The real surprise? “Girls Gone Wild”. Seriously? A cheesy, late-90’s VHS with college girls drunkenly flashing the camera? THIS turns him on? All I can conclude is that you guys don’t have a high-speed internet connection, otherwise this is the most disturbing development of all.

Finally, Hannah, a non-snarky paragraph from the aforementioned Mayo Clinic. I think it will lend some perspective to how normal your predicament is:

“You can have sex as often as you like — but you might not always want to. At first, hormonal fluctuations, fatigue and nausea might sap your sexual desire. As your pregnancy progresses, weight gain, back pain and other symptoms might further dampen your enthusiasm for sex. Your emotions might take a toll on your sex drive, too.

Concerns about how pregnancy or the baby will change your relationship with your partner might weigh heavily on your mind — even while you’re eagerly anticipating the addition to your family. Fears about sexual activity harming the baby or anxiety about childbirth might team up to sap your sex drive. Changes in your self-image might play a role as well, especially as your pregnancy progresses.”

In other words, this is normal, normal, normal.

Tell your husband how you feel, ask him how he feels and get on the same page about your sex life.

Once you know his thoughts on sleeping on the couch, pregnancy sex, and Girls Gone Wild, you’ll be able to move past them together.

And really, try using Google. It’s pretty incredible.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Ana

    And this is exactly why I’m never getting married and I’m scared of being in relationships… No offense, I love your posts Evan, but it hurts me to think of what men are capable of! Sure, maybe in this situation it’s (sort of) understandable, but really, why, if men have beautiful girlfriends and wives, do they masturbate to other women? I’m not saying they should think other women are ugly but why do they pay them SO much attention to them and hurt those who love them? I wish I could understand, but seriously knowing this only makes me more bitter towards men…

    1. 1.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Ana: “What men are capable of?” You make masturbation sound like murder. It’s normal, it’s natural, and it doesn’t stop after marriage. If you choose to be offended by this and choose to make it hurtful, then that’s your decision. But it’s not. Not remotely. This blog is a reality check about how normal guys act; and if masturbation and porn is NORMAL for happily married men, then why get bent out of shape about it? The masturbation isn’t the problem in this story. It’s the fact that he’s probably not attracted to his pregnant wife (also somewhat normal) and the fact that she thinks it’s totally fair to make him sleep on the couch. (really, really not normal!)

      1. 1.1.1
        Anna

        I’m a girl and masturbate often three times a day, i think it’s normal for both sexes. If he doesn’t fancy her that much because she’s pregnant… then he should buy her the best state of the art vibrator so she can get off too. only fair )

      2. 1.1.2
        Anne

        Wow. 
        Okay, first of all, regardless of how immature or young this girl’s question sounds, did you really need to be so condescending in your response to her?  There may be some extenuating circumstances and questionable behavior causing this couple’s issue, but that doesn’t change the fact that this girl’s husband is no longer interested in her sexually, and that hurts her.
        I, myself, have had to deal with my husband’s sex drive disappearing once I began sporting the “baby bump” during our first pregnancy.  Despite healthy communication about the issue, and multiple and passionate assurances that he still finds me attractive, it still hurts.  A lot.  A whole lot.  It has a negative effect on my self-esteem, my self-worth as a woman and a wife.  No amount of cuddling, loving assurances, or logic is going to stop a woman from feeling insecure about this issue.  When you respond negatively to this girl’s opening up about something that hurts her, you make it a hundred times worse.  No human being deserves disrespect.  Ever.
        Secondly, married men masturbating to porn is only considered “normal” and “common” because we live in a culture where adultery is also considered “normal” and “common.”  Half of all marriages end in divorce, because so few people approach marriage with an honest, loving, and pure heart.  My husband does not masturbate to porn.  He imagines scenarios with me, or looks at photos/videos we have made of me for him, specifically for that purpose.  It is unhealthy and adulterous for a man to masturbate to any other woman than his wife.  And, if the wife finds out, it is extremely hurtful.  “Oh, you would rather imagine making love to her, than me, while you pleasure yourself?  No, that doesn’t hurt my self-esteem at all, honey…”  You might as well be married to the other woman, rather than your wife.  Also, I can honestly say that ever since we began dating, I have never masturbated to any other man than my husband.  We have communicated about this, and he has assured me that the same is true from his point of view, with me.  (I can already imagine your answer to that — you’re going to tell me that he lied to me, right?  Because all men are incapable of having an honest and open and healthy relationship with their wives?)

        1. Sarah

          Amen, Sister.

        2. Victoria

          Agree with you Anne. He sounded more like a jerk to me.

        3. Deep thinker

          My advice is please take your time in finding a spouse and make sure he loves you more than you love him….

        4. J

          Hi, I just thought another male perspective might change some of the narrow thought streams on this thread.

          I think that it’s really sweet that you and your husband only have any kind of sexual gratification with each other or thinking about each other. But it is extremely narrow minded of you to expect every other couple to work the same way.

          I love my girlfriend more than anything else in the world, but I regularly watch porn. The reasons are simple.

          1. There is a huge difference in making love and just fucking. I make love to my girlfriend, the thought of making love to anyone else makes me feel sick to my stomach. Likewise, the thought of depravedly fucking her also makes me feel sick, but seeing others getting down and dirty turns me on. I don’t think that makes me a bad person.

          2.  I don’t find pornstars attractive at all. What I do find attractive is what they are doing in the video. And before you say I’m ‘objectifying’ these women, bear in mind that they enjoy it, and who are you to tell them that its wrong?

          3. My girlfriend also masturbates to porn. Doesn’t offend me in the slightest. I actually think it’s quite hot. You see, my girlfriend is bisexual and I am not arrogant enough to think that being with me satisfies all her sexual cravings. I would never demand she change her identity to be with me, so I encourage her to continue masturbating to women. I feel bad enough that she’ll never get to lay with females again (god knows its incredible)

          4. Sometimes its just more convenient. If I have had an extremely tiring day at work, the last thing I want to do is come home and spend hours pleasuring my partner (not exactly relaxing) but getting off is intensely relaxing. So whats the alternative? Spend a couple minutes jacking off and letting the worries of the day slip away. This also works the other way around and I completely understand her doing this. Sometimes we even do it together! Let me put it this way, if you’re dead tired and can’t fathom the energy to cook, do you just starve? No, you order takeaway. Doesn’t change how delicious the food in the fridge is.

          I am deeply offended that you would imply there being a correlation between masturbating to porn and cheating. It’s completely different! I do not in any way condone cheating, in any circumstance! I’ve been cheated on and it sucks. I would’ve much preferred my ex masturbated while we were away from each other than fuck someone else.

          While I’m here, the pregnancy thing. Chances are, it has nothing to do with finding you unattractive or being scared that we’ll hurt the baby. I’m sorry to say this, but it’s gross. The thought of having sex anywhere near my child is disgusting, let alone when my child is still inside the body I’m currently also in. It’s just wrong, especially when baby starts to show. That’s when dads start to picture fully formed baby. I NEVER want to poke my baby with my penis!

          I hope this has enlightened you on the terrible inner makings of the male psyche. Although I’d just like to reiterate that this is not a gender issue. It’s a personal preference issue. I’d also like to point out that I do not in any way think that finding porn unappealing is wrong. What’s wrong is judging people based on your opinion on the matter.

        5. curious

          3 questions for J

          1) would you still be ok if she masterbated to porn featuring men?

          2) have you ever considered having a MFF threesome with her and if yes, did you suggest it to her?

          3) i don’t understand this virgin-whore dichotomy in men. if she doesn’t like rough sex that’s one thing but i don’t get why men can’t bring themselves to have dirty sex with the woman they love if she is into it.

          that is all. 🙂

        6. Jocelyn

          I am 100% with you girl.!! Not all men are the same however they just need to be guided in the right path ,communicate with them and be  honest and with pure heart.be able to talk about anything and know very deeply your man, so you know what bothers him and what not, so like that you can help him in any of his needs…

      3. 1.1.3
        c-lee mann

        Married men masturbating is disrespectful. There is nothing ok or normal about that. If you have to look at other woman to get pleasure then why be married.

    2. 1.2
      Ashlee

      Look I used to get so pissed at my boyfriends for masturbating when I was younger, now that I’m older and married I don’t have time to care, we have two children it’s hard enough to find time to ourselves especially  when one refuses to sleep in her own bed. Do we find time yes we do but really I’ve found that my husband gets really pissy when we haven’t been able to get it on in a while-so would I rather him do his thing in the bathroom and be his cheery self ABSOLUTELY! As long as our relationship with each other is fine and dandy and there isn’t any cheating involved were good.

  2. 3
    Kathleen

    Right on Evan! I cannot imagine telling my man let alone husband to sleep on the couch. 

  3. 4
    Fusee

    To Ana @1:
     
    Masturbation is not only a male need, but it’s often a female need as well. Sex with my fiance is of course more pleasurable and intense, but it also requires a certain level of energy and a lot of time-consuming work to perform properly. Although we favor sex with one another, we are not giving up our right to self-pleasuring just because we’re in a relationship with one another.
     
    Self-pleasuring is a category of pleasure all by itself. It gives a quicker release of sexual energy build-up, and while it does not replace love-making, I see no reason to judge it negatively or worry about as long as it’s not out of control and part of a harmonious sex life with one’s partner. We all have the right to touch and pleasure one’s own body and we do not give it up because we are in a relationship. Furthermore it can actually be necessary when one or both partners have a higher sex drive than their life allows to accomodate.
     
    Now I can understand how someone with little need for and/or experience in self-pleasuring could be uncomfortable with this topic. Please educate yourself on masturbation, especially on the female side of things. It might help you understand a very natural and normal activity, for both men and women.

  4. 5
    Jenna

    I find it interesting that single folks without kids kind of get a stigma and yet, as evidenced by this post   and what I see around me, plenty of married women who are pregnant /have kids are in screwed up situations that I don’t envy. The questioner and her husband sound immature and weird. And why is someone that young married to an old man ( in relative terms )? 

  5. 6
    Cat5

    @ Evan
     
    I thought Ana @1 had a problem with masturbating to pornography, not masturbating itself.
     
    Are you equating something that is “common” with something that is “normal?” 
     
    Just because something has become commonplace in society, does that automatically make it “normal” or “appropriate?”
     
    If something is “normal” or “common” among people and does not stop after marriage, does that make it a healthy and appropriate behavior?
     
    What about in a relationship?  What if one partner has a problem with it, regardless of how a large segment of society feels about it because not liking pornography is not akin to murder either, and the other continues to do it?  Doesn’t that make it hurtful to the relationship?
     
    It’s not like we are talking about air, food, or water.  Pornography is not a biological imperative for a person or the species to survive…is it? :-7
     
    NOTE:  Before I take any flack, these are just some of the types of questions that I ponder sometimes when trying to decide where I come down on an issue, and I wonder if others do also.  (I have about a hundred more questions, but I decided to limit them to these ones for now.) They are not intended as a moral judgment on anyone.

    1. 6.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Cat5 – What exactly would a man be masturbating to, if not pornography? Thoughts of his beloved girlfriend, perhaps? Bwahahahahahaha! Pornography solely exists for men to masturbate. If he’s masturbating, it’s to pornography. I would think that the separation between men who masturbate and men who masturbate to porn is razor-thin, at best.

      If you have a problem with porn, and you have a problem with men masturbating to porn, you will have a problem with over 90% of the population. That’s your right, but it severely decreases your dating options. This is no different than the woman who wants to save herself for marriage or the man who wants a virgin. You’re entitled to your morals; just don’t be too surprised when you pass up a lot of good people who don’t measure up to your lofty (and somewhat unreasonable, ridiculous, Pollyannaish) standards.

      “Guys jerk off to porn” is not exactly earthshattering news.

      1. 6.1.1
        Harry

        Before porn was readily available, men created “porn” in our heads. Just imagine what a “Barbara Billingsley” (“June Cleaver”) or a “Harriet Nelson” or an “Annette Funicello” looked stripped nekkid. That name “Cleaver” sounded so much like “cleavage” or “cleft” that it stirred up images in its own.

        Back in antiquity, the girls at school were required to wear skirts, so they all wore them at the minimum length that they could get away with. Coming up the stairs, you “had to” look up to see where you were going, so girls coming down gave glimpses of bare thighs (hose were not allowed, only bobby sox or knee socks). A rare panty flash was a real treat. Ohhh!

        Back when I was a kid there wasn’t any need to jackoff. It jacked itself off often enough. No one would ever admit to masturbating. It was a taunt to hurl at one another as an insult. If anyone was found out to be a master baiter, he would be harassed, called a “jerkoff,” a “queer,” “faggot” or a “fag.”

        Actual porn was something that somebody’s uncle had. One page stolen might make the rounds. The kid who had a porno magazine photo of a naked woman could get a dime or quarter to see it. No one knew where such a treasure came from; whoever sold them wouldn’t sell them to just anyone, certainly not to a minor.

        In the late ’50s Playboy was becoming more available, though it apparently was sold only “under the counter” or by plain-wrapper mail subscription. The first one I ever saw was in an uncle’s attic. (Those uncles!) His son, my cousin, had discovered them. They only had pictures of breasts and butts, butt that was better than nothing, though most of us had seen our mothers’ or sisters’ breasts or butts on occasion.

        Since master baiting was so shameful, all this mental stimulation was to incite wet dreams. Sometimes it went off on its own during the day. You’d feel the throbbing, ask to go to the bathroom and hope to get there before you “polluted” your underpants. If the vibration of the diesel of the school bus set it off, at least you’d be home soon.

  6. 7
    Sarah

    @Ana – First off, wake up.. women masturbate to pornography as well, I have since I was 11.. second, that does not mean there is anything wrong with me, it means that I have a normal healthy sex drive. And quite frankly I am insulted by your insinuation that there is something wrong with that. I am certainly not a bad girlfriend because when I’m horny and my boyfriend is working I choose to masturbate to images of people having sex. We’re visual creatures. It doesn’t mean someone cares less about you at all! In fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. (The exception being if your partner won’t sleep with you and will only watch porn – that’s bad) After reading your post though I think maybe it would benefit you to try and understand other people’s perspectives more, maybe get a book or two on the subject or ask a few friends their ideas. I don’t think that seeking a professional opinion would be a bad idea. It sounds like you’re missing out on a lot because of a HUGE misconception.

  7. 8
    JB

    Evan is right. What we actually got a kick out of was that he was caught masturbating to “Girls Gone Wild” which ISN’T porn. It’s bad comedy for 11 yr.olds ……lol
    Believe us when we say all men know where to find porn and we do find and watch it. for the 5% of women that don’t understand it or accept it. Too bad. Go read 50 Shades of words or some other fictional delusional “mommy porn”.

    1. 8.1
      Gerry

      Many women can’t stand it that men are turned on by sight more than by words. Women’s porn is mostly words. The “mommy porn” lines the store checkout lanes in plain view.

  8. 9
    Girl in the Midwest

    @Ana at #1:
     
    When I was with my first serious boyfriend I found out that pretty much all guys masturbate to porn.  I was pretty horrified, so I kind of understand you.  I was depressed because:
     
    1.  I thought it meant that I wasn’t good enough for him — I wasn’t hot enough.  Obviously I can’t compare with the girls who had perfect boobs and perfect body and every errant hair removed. 
     
    2.  It was kind of a selfish act, in my opinion at the time.  He was off getting pleasure from other women.  It felt like a betrayal, in a way.  His reply was, “you could watch porn too you know and just pleasure yourself.”  My response was, “but I don’t have such a strong desire as you to masturbate to strangers, especially if we’re having sex pretty regularly.  Even if the men or the sex depicted are hot they don’t do much for me as long as I have no emotional connection to them.”
     
    But now, at the age of 28, I wouldn’t mind if my boyfriend masturbated to porn as long as it didn’t disrupt our life (our sex life, his work, his relationships with his family and friends etc).  If his porn habits were damaging our sex life, I would have a talk with him.  But if he has an addiction then I would definitely want him to get help.  I guess I’m saying I understand what Ana is saying but perhaps with some time you will feel better about this…
     

  9. 10
    Sarah

    @Cat5 #7 – I kind of see what you’re saying sort of.. Let’s say hypothetically, a girl doesn’t like porn, she thinks it degrades women, but she wants to have an open honest relationship with her man and doesn’t want him watching porn. This could work theoretically, but the cost will be a satisfying relationship. There ARE men with LOW sex drives, who DON’T watch porn because they rarely masturbate. Personally, if a guy I was dating said he didn’t watch porn I would leave him. For two reasons, either he is a liar or the sex is going to blow. But in a theoretical world where what you want most in a man is some preconceived notion of respect, then you may find a guy who doesn’t like porn, but there will be sacrifices and you may find yourself wishing he actually liked sex.

  10. 11
    Amelia2.0

    Yeah, if it were me with the sleeping alone preference, *I* would volunteer – no, insist – that I be the one to sleep on the couch.  To me, that is taking responsibility for your preference, and not just making someone else pay for it.  Granted, I can sleep just about anywhere as long as it’s dark and quiet.  Well, maybe just dark– I’ve since adjusted to my boyfriend’s occasional snoring, because I found that despite that I tend to fall asleep faster and feel more rested in the morning with him next to me. 
     
    I do get a sense that Hannah here is really asking for more assurance from her husband, which I think is what the real issue here is, though I completely agree that making him to sleep on the couch flies in the face of that request.  It also appears that her husband is asking for reassurance himself by crawling into bed with her.  To me that’s kinda sad. 
     
    And with a baby on the way, I think Hannah and her husband need to iron out this issue before the baby is born rather than shelving it for after.  More often than not, newborns add huge stress and make unresolved problems worse, not better.  If Hannah doesn’t feel close to and loved enough by her husband, then the huge expectations and isolation that a lot of moms often feel after a new baby is only going to make that feeling worse.  It’s also not clear if Hannah and her husband aren’t anticipating having to kiss their sleep goodbye for the first few months anyway– where the couch might start to look really, really comfy after all and damn whoever is supposed to be sleeping there.  I admit, I say all this based on observation and reports from a few of my friends, who have had their first children within the last year or so.  Nonetheless, I was able to determine that these profound effects on couples to be pretty much par for the course after looking it up on – wait for it – Google.
     
    Although I wonder if since her husband is seeing her more in a maternal light, if that “mom” perception isn’t short-circuiting his sexual feelings towards her.  How often this might happen with fathers-to-be I can only guess.

  11. 12
    Karl S

    Men are very visual creatures and we like to see images or footage of naked people and sex when we’re amorous. Women obviously don’t require the literal thing in front of them, but surely they let their imaginations run wild too and don’t just fantasize about their partner. That’s the only difference. Men like to see it.

  12. 13
    Cat5

    Evan @ 8 – was this statement “who don’t measure up to your lofty (and somewhat unreasonable, ridiculous, Pollyannaish) standards” directed at me personally, or the collective “you?”  Because if it was directed at me, I submit that you have no idea what my standards are, as you obviously missed my point (and failed to read the note at the bottom of my post).
     
    As an individual, and a society, I think it is important that we stop and ask ourselves, about many, many different types of behaviors, whether just because 90% of the people are doing it…does that make it okay?  Is it right? Is it healthy?  Am I a lemming falling off the cliff with everyone else? Can I think independently, ask important questions, and arrive at an answer that may or may not be popular?  Can I stand up and ask the question about what is the right thing knowing I may be called “somewhat unreasonable, ridiculous, Pollyannaish” even if no one has any idea where I stand on the subject at hand?  Of course, the answer for me is yes…I can.  I am hoping that is the answer for you also Evan.
     
    For example, I’m still taking flack over how I voted in the 2012 Presidential election, even though no one knows how I voted  — they have all assumed how I voted based on the questions I asked before the election or where I stand on certain issues.  Surprisingly to them (not to me), they have all assumed wrong.
     
    That is what I was doing with my post…asking questions…gathering information, and not just assuming that the Hannah or Ana is a prude or unreasonable for their feelings on the subject of masterbation and pornography. 
     
    And for the record, Evan –  what is wrong with setting a high standard in one’s life?  I suppose it’s a problem if applied only to others, but not if person applies it to themselves, as well as others.  Why would you ridicule a person having a high standard?  I would submit that you set high standards for yourself – both professionally and personally.  Would you like it if someone ridiculed your standards as “lofty (and somewhat unreasonable, ridiculous, Pollyannaish)” because the two of you disagreed on a subject?
     
    Disclaimer:  All comments made in this post, and any other post I have made, are purely for discussion purposes only.  They do not reflect my feelings on any subject.  They are questions for the purposes of gathering information.  They are not intended as a judgment on any person, unless expressly stated.

    1. 13.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Cat5 – I’ll take the bait.

      It’s not “high standards” to insist that your partner never masturbate, never be attracted to other women, never talk to other women, never be friends with ex’s, never save pictures of his ex’s, or any such thing. It’s unrealistic, based on how many normal, healthy, loving, relationship-oriented men act.

      If you think that if only a man really loved you he would cease any of the above activities, you are, in fact unreasonable, ridiculous and Pollyanaish.

      Of course, my response to you is purely for discussion purposes, and does not reflect my feelings on the subject. I’m just reporting what millions of millions of other men and women have already noticed. I personally find married men who masturbate appalling.

  13. 14
    Zann

    It will never cease to amaze me that it’s 2013 and yet adults still have this weird moral dilemma when it comes to masturbation. I’m going to give Hannah the benefit of the doubt & assume she asks her husband to sleep on the couch because she’s uncomfortable finding a good sleeping position as she progresses in her pregnancy & maybe they don’t have a large bed. Maybe, being generous, he volunteered to take the couch. 
    From my own experience with pregnancy, some of the best sex I ever had with my husband was while I was pregnant…even when I was  extremely pregnant and about to burst. Granted, it can require some innovation, but it’s totally doable, pleasurable, and safe. I’ve also known many men who find the pregnant body extremely erotic.
    As Evan said, this sounds like a case of lack of education and maturity. But to Hannah & other posters who continue to think the “common” act of masturbation may not be “normal” and instead view it as a deviance that men should morally rise above….Newsflash: men do it, women do it, probably the birds & bees do it. It’s YOUR body and you get to say what pleasures it. If you’re offended that your partner likes to pleasure himself: that’s your insecurity with your own sexuality talking. An active adult sex life, including masturbation, is healthy at any age, with or without a partner.
    As a young mother, I remember asking my daughter’s pediatrician (a woman) if it was normal for my young daughter to be asking me questions about touching herself (and liking it!) & how I should respond. The pediatrician — god love her — laughed & told me, “Oh, how I wish more parents understood this: sex is healthy and normal. Tell her she should explore her body (in private) whatever way she wants.” I think that message was as helpful to me as much as it was to my daughter.
    If you were raised to believe that arousing yourself was a sin — or at least not something you admit to or talk about — then, yea, you have to re-educate yourself. Trust me, you are not alone. Along with Google there are thousands of books, websites, classes and workshops dedicated to healthy female, male & couple sexuality. There is no excuse for ignorance; in fact, without it, I don’t see how a young couple will make a happy life for themselves or raise a happy child with good self-esteem and self-acceptance.
    And for the record — woman, as well as men, enjoy being visually stimulated when masturbating. (And please — 50 Shades of Grey is not fine female erotica — I would put it on the same scale as Girls Gone Wild.) Women also enjoy looking at or fantasizing about people other than our partner when masturbating. That’s why it’s called fantasizing.
     

  14. 15
    Tracy

    Some women need to relax about the porn. Yes, the women look “perfect,” all thin and hairless! But that wasn’t the case with all porn produced in the past. Look at older porn and everyone is hairy and flabby! Definitely not “perfect” by today’s standards.
    But there are things WOMEN can LEARN from porn, too. The first would be that men — their men, real life men — don’t expect their women to look like the porn stars. They just like naked ladies. And they like to see them live, in pictures or on film. They probably like seeing you naked, too.
    Secondly, women can learn some other options for sex. Treat it like an instructional video on what you can do to your man and what HE can do to do. Because yes, good men will want to please you, too. If he doesn’t then you have bigger issues than his watching porn. 
     

  15. 16
    Heather K

    I want to weigh in on the porn and masturbating issue.  Evan made a comment in comment number 8 that men who masturbate masturbate to porn and that porn exists for men to masturbate.  Porn may exist for men to masturbate but not every man masturbates to porn.  Maybe these days more men masturbate to porn than to other experiences because porn is more readily available than it even was twenty years ago or ten years ago, but there are still men who for whatever reason don’t masturbate to porn.  (Men might not masturbate to porn because they prefer to masturbate to live sex shows, or live people, or fantasies in their head about their third grade teacher, or they just don’t watch porn for religious/moral reasons, etc, etc.)
    I think the main problem with porn and possibly what some women might be finding offensive is when porn takes over someone’s sexuality and sexual life.  Porn or any fantasies are perfectly acceptable to have and masturbate to as long as they are not distracting anyone from reality and from their real life relationships with their partners.  Some women might find the whole ‘deal with it, men watch porn and masturbate to it’ line a little tiresome these days because a lot of women are told that they should tolerate some men’s sex life transitioning away from real sex with their partner to having their men have a self-sexual life involving some images on a computer.  Maybe this is ‘normal’ as in there is a very high percentage of men these days who do replace some of the time they would spend with their partner with self-sexual porn experiences, but it doesn’t mean it’s good for everyone.
    As far as the specific letter written by Hannah, I am not sure I understand the couch issue.  By the way it’s written in the letter, it doesn’t sound like the husband sleeping on the couch was a democratic decision, but without knowing more I am not sure what to say about it.  And as far as pregnant sex – I, myself, am pregnant right now and it is possible to have sex while pregnant.  Yes, there are some days where I worry that I’m going to hurt the baby and maybe that makes sex not as adventurous as it was before pregnancy and there might be certain positions I feel more comfortable with some days.  But overall it is possible to have a regular sex life and still have sex several times a week while pregnant.  It can even be fun in certain ways. 
    And I also agree with Cat5 in comment number 7 that it’s possible to question any societal trend.  It’s always okay to ask questions and it does not mean that one is judgmental – it means that one is observing reality with a mindful eye.

    1. 16.1
      Gerry

      Sex during pregnancy is great if for no other reason than the woman isn’t worrying about getting pregnant! Either she wants to be pregnant and is worried that she won’t, or won’t soon enough, or she doesn’t want to be pregnant and is worried that that she will get pregnant
      But once she’s pregnant, she is. Enjoy no periods and not worrying about getting or not getting pregnant for the next eight months.

  16. 17
    Lucy

    If I was married, I’d be worried if my husband wasn’t watching porn.

  17. 18
    Christine

    Hannah I feel for you, you are not alone.   Wow what a flashback to 1998…I was the horniest EVER in my life when I was pregnant, I mean craving intimacy all the time, and my husband wouldn’t lay a hand on me, hold me, cuddle me, let alone have sex with me.  He was either grossed out, scared, who knows. So I masturbated my way through the entire pregnancy, and had the most powerful, easily obtained orgasms (maybe due to increased bloodflow down there???).  As a side note, my A cup bra went to a C cup, nope no interest in touching those either!  Talk did not help – NO adult discussion sunk in, he wouldn’t get near me, I felt like a leper.  In 2000 I got pregnant again (LOL from makeup sex when I asked for a divorce – for several reasons, sex was a side issue).   It was a complete repeat of the first pregnancy.   Yes, I wanted sex every day and got none.  After giving birth I remained at a sexual heightened state of wanting.  The lack of intimacy continued on its course after the birth of kids, we had sex about once a year until we divorced.  The counselor said he probably viewed me as a “mother figure” and his desire tanked.  Whatever! 
    Hannah, nip it in the bud if the lack of sex continues, don’t go down the same path as I did.   There is so much professional help out there.  I am close to 50 with two teens & on the on-line dating scene, its not easy!  Not the way I pictured my life at this point.
    Granted every woman is different, but guys reading this, take care of your bride’s needs when she is pregnant, if she feels horny and sexy! Emotions are on overdrive, she can’t help it, its part of the pregnancy.  And touch her already if she is normally flat chested and finally has a rack 🙂  She is not a fragile china doll that will break! Evan stated the facts above !

  18. 19
    starthrower68

    @ Ana #1,
    Get a bunch of cats.  Life is much easier. 😀

  19. 20
    Missy

    Hannah, Insist he goes to your next doctor or nurse appointment and ask right in front of him, can my husband hurt the baby by having intercourse with me?
    Please explain why, doc.
    Then he will hear it…  
    Hopefully he will embrace you after that..  

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