I’m Taking My Boyfriend to a Strip Club But I Hate That He Likes It.

As a woman going through some much desired transformation, I am taking my boyfriend to strip club to celebrate his b-day (because I know he likes ’em). I would LOOOOVE to be the girl who doesn’t mind, but the images are stamped into my memories, and my heart hurts.

Please help me accept the human nature that is “men.”


Dear Juliette,

Contrary to what many of our readers might think, you’re taking a very evolved stance and I want to congratulate you for it.

Relationships are about doing things for our partners that make THEM happy, not just doing what feels best for us. Holding the girlfriend’s purse when she’s shopping for perfume? That’s for her. Spending $350 on a meal because we’re hanging out with her wealthy friends? That’s for her, too. Calling her at the end of the night when I just want to go to sleep? That’s for her. It makes her happy, it makes her feel connected, and it keeps our bond strong, and that’s what I’ve got to do to make my relationship work. Believe me, I’m not complaining. I get a LOT out of my partnership and my girlfriend makes all sorts of sacrifices for me. I know it, I appreciate it, and I never fail to express how lucky I am.

You might be thinking, “Yeah, that’s all well and good, Evan. But holding your girlfriend’s bag in Bloomie’s is not a real sacrifice. Juliette is talking about ANOTHER WOMAN RUBBING HERSELF ON HER BOYFRIEND RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. How could you even compare the two?”

Oh, but I can. For one simple reason:

Neither of the two acts means anything. Now, I could CHOOSE to feel emasculated when I take my girlfriend shopping. I could CHOOSE to feel like a loser when I stay home on girls’ night out. I could CHOOSE to feel like the third wheel when my girlfriend is telling inside jokes to her best friend and I’m standing there like a bump on a log. But I don’t. Because it doesn’t MEAN anything about our relationship.

For the average guy who goes to a strip club once a year for a bachelor party, it’s just a meaningless diversion that combines all of a man’s greatest pleasures: booze, boobs, and his buddies.

And that’s what any woman who is threatened by a stripper has to get. Strip clubs don’t turn us on. They make us giggle.

Now, if you ever went out with some guy who blew his paycheck at Crazy Horse or left you for a woman named Sierra and her six inch heels, feel free to ignore my advice. But for the average guy who goes to a strip club once a year for a bachelor party, it’s just a meaningless diversion that combines all of a man’s greatest pleasures: booze, boobs, and his buddies. We get to gawk and point and laugh and drink and bond with our friends before reality sets in and we go home a few hundred dollars lighter….

Forbidding this behavior is very shortsighted and very dangerous. In fact, forbidding desire is almost always a losing proposition, as losing as forbidding drugs or alcohol or cigarettes or religion. So the real question becomes, not “how do I make my boyfriend stop liking other attractive naked women”, but “how do I channel this male lust into a form that is out in the open and condoned?” And I’ll tell ya, Juliette, taking him to a strip club is a pretty good way.

It shows him you’re not jealous. It shows him you’re not threatened. It shows him you’re in control of your emotions. It shows you’re interested in his pleasure, rather than in neutering him and making him pretend he doesn’t find other women attractive. I just don’t seem to see the downside here.

Ah, but there is one: it HURTS you. I get that, and I’m not just gonna suggest that if you snap your fingers, it’s going to go away. I think it’s a matter of bringing a certain awareness to the matter that can somewhat temper the pain you feel as you watch your boyfriend and his shit-eating grin. It’s a matter of knowing that anything you’re witnessing doesn’t mean he loves you less. It means he appreciates you more. I can’t overestimate how important this is. Which is why any form of jealousy is pretty much useless, all it does it create anger, tension, and resentment and remind your partner of one thing: I Don’t Trust You! Well, thanks, sweetie! I feel GREAT about our relationship now!

Any form of jealousy is pretty much useless, all it does it create anger, tension, and resentment and remind your partner of one thing: I Don’t Trust You!

As a guy who has never cheated, and hasn’t been to a strip club in years, I can tell you that if forbidding it is the worst thing you can do, allowing it is the best thing you can do. (Oh, and by the way, if it hurts so bad, you don’t have to bring him to the strip club. Just let him go once in awhile without drama.) And if, in the most unfathomable circumstances, he runs off with Sierra and her heels, well, you should probably consider yourself lucky to be rid of him.

In the meantime, you can make him realize how lucky he is to have you.

Join our conversation (78 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 31

    I completely agree with Markus’s first post and I don’t agree with Evan here. I find Evan’s advice very selfish and the purse comparison to be completely unbalanced. The natural instinct of sexuality and competition in women, and purposely putting your SO in a position where she is in competition with other women for her SO’s attention, compared to holding a purse is completely illogical. I have never seen a man holding a woman’s purse while she was shopping to the extent that I see men going to strip clubs despite having a woman that cares for him.

    Juliette, you don’t have to be cool with it or make yourself do something with your boyfriend that makes you feel awful. “Being cool” is only going to serve to shame you into doing something you don’t even want to do. Obviously sitting next to your boyfriend while his attention is on some breast implanted 20 year old stripper isn’t ideal, neither is it really “cool” on his part to even think that that is something that would be good for his girlfriend. The fact that a man would even want to put his girlfriend in that position speaks of something not quite right and disrespectful if you ask me.

    This is how I see it, the way men and women are turned on are completely different. Men in general are more turned on to look at pretty women. Women in general are more turned on to be looked at. That is why women are held to a standard of beauty that men just aren’t. That is also why a strip club with female dancers is more of an erotic experience then a strip club with male dancers. Female strip clubs is more true to the nature of how men are turned on. Hey, that’s fine if that is your thing. But they why do you even have a girlfriend if that is what you want? Sometimes it appears that men are more concerned with what they don’t have then who they really should be concerned about, the one girl that actually cares about him. And how does she get thanked? By her man going to a strip club.

    They are purposely putting themselves in a sexual environment with other women and expecting their girlfriends to be “cool” about it. Which isn’t even close to being logical or rational. The reason men love when women go to strip clubs with them because it is more true to the nature of a man’s sexuality, not hers. Of course men are going to encourage it and want it to happen because he gets the best of both worlds, more women to oggle, and his SO to have sex with after the experience. And what the woman gets is her SO’s divided attention and selfishness directed to other women.

    Male strippers are the ones that are a joke. I don’t know one woman that gets turned on by male strippers. I do know lots of men that do. No man is going to strip club and laughing in the same context that women go to male strip clubs and laugh.

    Now turn the situation around, lets say YOU were the stripper. Getting on stage and dancing around for other men almost naked. It turns women on to be admired by men, just as it turns men on to admire looking at women. But most men would hate the idea of his gf getting attention from other men to the same extent women dislike the idea of their man giving attention to other women.

    I find men often very hypocritical and illogical on this issue over all. THey want us women to be “cool” enough to go to strip clubs, because it is no threat to them and their masculinty to be in a environment where women are dancing naked for him, along where his girlfriend is sitting by his side ready to have sex with him after he gets turned on by these other women. Yet men would NEVER put themselves in a serious situation that put in him in direct competition with other men sexually for his SO’s attention.

    Gezzz, sometimes men make me sad and I wonder why the even have relationships with the stuff they want to put their girlfriends through just so they can check out new girls and treat their girlfriend with disrespect.

    1. 31.1

      AMEN. I just made the same example in my post. I think it’s a hypothetical view that is hugely overlooked because it doesn’t fit societal norms of letting boys be boys and having their fun or else you’re a fun-sucking, prude.

    2. 31.2

      It’s because we have lived in a patriarchal society for much of human existence and men have been entitled and privileged for far too long.  They are used to having their cake and eating it, too. The ideas of sexual equality are relatively new concepts that came about after the sexual revolution, advent of the birth control pill, and feminist movement.  If women can continue to listen to their own morals, values, and emotions, they can hopefully make things a little more balanced in their sexual relationships from here on out.  

  2. 32

    I don’t completely understand what you’re saying, Steve — it sounds a little bit like NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP), which is about using cognitive/behavioral techniques to rid oneself of negative associations. But I find it a stretch to believe that ANY negative feeling/experience can be so obliterated — and what about our higher selves? Just b/c taking part in an exhibitionistic fantasy thing is right for Juliette’s boyfriend doesn’t mean that it’s right for her, that her feelings just need a cognitive tweak. Maybe she would have the same end result — not feeling pain — if she found a partner who isn’t into sexual stuff she isn’t into and who is into the stuff she’s into — or if her boyfriend would choose not to partake b/c he realized that his behavior makes her feel bad. While I agree that we need to be able to rein ourselves in when we’re overreacting or reacting inappropriately–what about when our feelings ARE appropriate to the situation? I don’t think Juliette’s feelings are out of line here. I’d feel the same way in her situation. Or maybe I am not understanding your advice correctly?

  3. 33

    I’m late on this discussion, but maybe somebody will find this helpful.

    I had an ex take me to a strip club. She enjoyed it and I enjoyed it. Because of that, we had the great, post-s-club sex. I’ve also had another ex take me to a strip club who wasn’t comfortable with it, and that was no fun at all. We both felt awkward…I couldn’t enjoy something I would normally have enjoyed much more with my buddies because I held the experience at arm’s length in deference to her discomfort. There was no difference in physical contact with strippers in the two cases, just in ease, enjoyment and sharing perspectives on the experience.

    If you don’t want to take him, don’t take him, just be understanding the one or two times a year he does go with his friends. Those are the times when he’ll really come home charged up because his experience is exactly what he thinks it should be: relaxed, frivolous fun that ultimately makes him think of you.

    1. 33.1

      Why would such an experience, “…make him think of you”?  Men don’t think about their gfs or wives coming out of a strip club – otherwise they would have just spent the night with their gfs or wives.  The only real reason they would think of their gfs or wives after the strip club, is because they need an orifice to screw after getting turned on by women they can’t bed.  Not sure why any woman should be thrilled about this.  If I’m wrong, please feel free to explain.  Thanks.  

  4. 34


    If an event such as putting yourself in a club with naked women, makes you think of your SO, then why don’t you just spend the evening with your SO instead? Nothing is going to make you think of your SO more then actually spending time with them, not other women.I think this has more to do with a man wanting to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be able to pretend he is single at the club, enjo ythe other women, fantasize about them; then go home to the woman that actually is the one that cares about him to elevate himself from putting himself in a situation with other women to turn him on. Nothing about that is really for your partner. Will she get an orgasm out of the deal? Possibly. She will also get to be nothing more then an object for you to use after you spent the evening with other women. Why would a man want to treat his own partner like that? Do men really expect a woman to feel good and happy about this? No man would want his SO to go out with a bunch of other men, receive attention from them, touching or not to be turned on to having sex with him. Personally I just find it disrespectful that men try to play strip clubs off as something that is for *her* his partner so that *they* can have hotter sex. If you need other women before you can have hot sex with your own SO, that really sticks for women then doesn’t it.

    Personally, I think strip clubs make both men and women look bad. It’s men and women at their worst. Men don’t want to be used for their money and women don’t want to be used just for their looks, but that is exactly what happens in a strip club.

    If a man in is a relationship, he should be in a relationship. If he needs to go out with his friends he should. But he deson’t need to do it in a place that puts him in a sexual situation with other women. And anyone who says that a strip club isn’t sexual; is not playing with a full deck

    1. 34.1

      Good point!!!

  5. 35

    To JerseyGirl,

    In this era of equality that we live in, where does that put women that participate in bachelorette parties? How about women that go to “male” strip clubs? Most men know, that, the thing to do, is meet women after the male strip show.

  6. 36

    Female strip clubs and male strip clubs are not the same thing. Most women are not turned on by male strip clubs like men are turned on by female strip clubs. It is the nature of who men and women are and how their sexuality can be different. Men on display, prettied-up and dancing/gyrating around is not how most women are turned on. It’s corny. Women are also not automatically turned on by a perfectly physically fit male. Women on display, prettied-up and dancing around, perfectly physically fit is exactly how men are turned on.

    I am not saying there aren’t women out there that don’t enjoy it and get turned on. I am sure there is. But the over-whelming majority of women, just aren’t. From what I know and have heard, most women if they go to a male strip club, do it as a lark and spend the evening laughing thinking how cheesy it all is.

    Most men that got to female strip clubs are not laughing. They are getting excited with all the naked women around them catering to their needs and then expect their girlfriends to welcome them home with open arms. What is up with that? Because it comes off really extremly selfish.

    There are way more female strip clubs then there are or will ever will be for male strip clubs. Just ask your male friends and then ask your female friends and find out who has visted their retrospecitve opposite sex strip clubs more often. I think you will discover that this is a much more male event. There is hardly ever the issue with women wanting to go out to engage with other naked men to the same extent that this question seems to come up with men.

    I also will go as far to say that men aren’t threated by women going to male strip clubs because they know deep down this is not what turns women on and gets to them.

    Now if a guy’s woman wanted to be the one stripping; just stripping and no rubbing on the patrons, then I don’t know one guy that wouldn’t say “heck no”. But quite simply, men are more turned on by watching, women are more turned on by being watched. If you want to make an equal situation that is more comparable, then we could say a man going to a strip club to watch other women is the same as a woman going to a strip club to be watched by other men.

  7. 37

    to Jerseygirl,

    I agree with you, a mans biggest sex organ are his eyes.

    I have heard women say, “Why would I go to a female strip club, when I can see that every time I look in the mirror?

    There is a female sexologist that urges women to stop selecting men because of his good looks. She tells women to select a man by what he has to say.

  8. 38

    If you go to a nice club, it can be a win-win if he shares what outfits catch his eyes. You can note any of the Lap-dance moves, and try them out on him, in private. Then, there would be nothing special about going to a club.

    The cool thing about a club, in this STD-laden society, is that you have brief, limited contact, and that’s all. The clubs are supervised. Like, if I go months without a girlfriend, then I like going to a club to get a booth dance (dancer wiggles on your lap and you can fondle everywhere except the g-string area.)

    I like to get a booth, but have the dancer put on a soft outfit. The first half of the dance, I just wrap my arms around her and hold her, like I would hold a girfriend, just savoring the warmth, and press of the embrace. The second half of the dance I like to caress her, to feel her arms, legs, back, and all the soft parts.

    But what two dances cost at a club is what I normally spend on a date (dinner & movie.) In a relationship, you actually get to chat, share your thoughts, BE together, hold hands, savor time together… and hug for hours.

    With the club, you don’t get emotionally involved, in a relationship-lasting sort of way. Even if a dancer suggest you could “go out” together, she likely means it in an “escort way,” and not a “girlfriend with fulfilling relationship way.”

    I took my last girlfriend to a club, since some of her nail-salon customers were dancers. I chatted with her, to poing out things about it that I read on Z-bone.

    The dance becomes a drudgery, as their bare, tender skin brushes for hours against rough fabrics like denim, leather, broadcloth, and hardware like snaps, belt-buckles, and zippers.

    Dancers have to desensitize themselves, in some way. The customers are walking billfolds. They are independent contractors, so get no benefits. The entertainment provided would be cherished & intimate in private, when reserved only for the one they love.

    But like the one that joins a working band “for the love of playing,” that which was a fun hobby becomes drudgery, as patrons pass through the establishment like customers through a restaurant.

    It is a tough job, and some have to use chemicals to tune-out aspects that are unpleasant. That only increases expenses, and shortens the durability of their health.

    I feel bad, when I consider I may be contributing to the dancer’s occupational problems.

    But I so appreciate just holding a woman in my arms, speaking from my heart to tell her how pretty she is (since is I comment at work that a woman’s perfume smells nice, I can get written up & investigated for “sexual harassment” since ‘intent’ does not matter & 3rd-parties are required to report anything they even ‘think’ might constitute harassment.)

    If your guy is having trouble talking to you, you might try getting him to read “The Language of Love” by John Trent, that teaches men to communicate in “word pictures” so you can understand him.

  9. 39

    I have heard men say that strip clubs can be a “win-win” for everyone. But what I think men really mean is that it’s a “win-win” for him. How does a woman, in a relationship with a man, come out on top and “win” anything, by her man getting turned on and spending time, attention and money on other almost naked women?

    Also, how many men would be open to going to places where they can ogle other men and then tell their SO that he could dress up like that for her? I really doubt most men would like that idea very much. I get so furstrated on this topic because I just find men to be very selfish on this front. I don’t know what it is about strip clubs but it seems to me that men make it just as important as their real life partner. It really saddens me the crass and careless way men are when it comes to this topic.

    1. 39.1

      You are exactly right. It represents men dominating women. If women had equal pay, equal jobs, and didn’t have to raise children then no woman would choose to be a stripper or prostitute.

  10. 40

    To one previous poster – this is not an age of equality. There is more pressure on women than ever before to meet an unrealistic, cookie-cutter shape. Why do you think so many young teenage girls are getting implants?
    A strip club is where a man buys a sexual experience with a stranger. I bet most of these guys who say it’s harmless and women should lighten up and get over it would probably have a shit fit if they knew that their girl friend was getting all hot and bothered by some stacked stud whispering in their ear describing in minute detail the kind of head he’d like to give her. It’s the equivalent.

  11. 41

    P.S. and the guy who wants to sit there and watch this is a rare beast indeed.

  12. 42

    it just makes me sad;(

  13. 43

    let us all start acting normal now
    normal is being so happy with your boy-friend , girl-friend and or
    spouse , that , extra stimulation such as strip clubs or similar is
    not necessary ,
    that is what is called normal.
    If you have the urge to go to a strip club with your girl-friend something is wrong somewhere , figure it out.

    1. 43.1


  14. 44

    Ok, the born-again Christian is going to freak you all out and say, I don’t think it’s realistic to expect men not to become aroused at the sight of a naked, attractive woman. That having been said, if it were me, I know that I will never – no matter how hard I try – look like a hot stripper. So, if I were with a guy and that is what he really wanted, he might as well ditch me and go for it so I can move on. My ex-husband went to strip club once for one of his college buddies’ b-day. I can’t say that I was really bothered by it.

  15. 45

    I just turned 18 on May 3rd and I have been dating my boy friend since freshman year and off and on about twice he is 19 in November. And it was bother our first time. I loved it they way the interact with you, guys are guys let them be guys or let them be guys with someone else. Its just a game kind not like he is taking one home or talking about sex with one or trying to make me be like them. I know he loved it he got to see some beautiful woman do there sexy thang 😉 I was nervous at first for sure but then i got use to it once i was there for 15 mins or so. I would even go there with just my girlfriends. Just to have fun, and relax and be around sexiness. I suggest it, its an adventure and an experience you gotta do it with your boyfriend just let him do his own thing but with you dont get up in his grill. you wanna be with someone who loves you for who you are and what you have to offer. So love yourself and let them love you and watch other girls.

    1. 45.1

      What are you going to do when he goes ahead and screws one? You’ll be ok with it?

  16. 46

    Jerseygirl – I agree with, basically, everything you’ve said. I’m  44, and have zero interest in strip clubs. The idea of sitting around a bunch of other guys, drooling over some chick who’s trying to turn the guys into human ATM machines is boring as hell. Also, let’s face it – a stranger’s naked body becomes a bland backdrop after very little time. I do disagree with you over women at male strip shows though. Girls who go to Thunder From Down Under shows regularly, post comments about how they got to touch the stripper’s “package” and asses. Women actually get to grope and fondle the male strippers while they’re running through the crowds, and they do. I would NEVER date a girl who was into male strippers. I have zero respect for a girl who feels at home in a place where women are groping strippers, unbuckling strippers’ pants, grabbing their bare asses, getting their hands shoved down the guys’ G-strings, etc. That kind of girl isn’t my gene pool. Who the hell cares if they’re laughing at the same time. It is degrading and she would be part of that. My next relationship will have a zero tolerance on this issue – period. There is absolutely no jealousy involved. I have ABSOLUTELY nothing to be jealous about. What a girl thinks and how she behaves is more important to me that how the girl looks. If a girl is a 10, she automatically becomes a 2 if she’s into the male stripper scene. I simply am not attracted to a girl who’s into that. Also, I could care less what the “majority” feels about the acceptability of strippers for bachelor/bachelorette parties. Let’s face it – 90% of the population are monkeys. They don’t know anything, they don’t think about anything, they go to work, come home and try to find new ways to entertain themselves – period. They are the “fluff” class. The fact that these ignorant folks are slaves to retarded rituals/traditions (such as strippers) is very telling. Juliette – I would put your dude to the curb yesterday. Tell him that you aren’t attracted to guys who are into strip clubs. He won’t want you to be less attracted to him. Take that angle. Any person, male or female, who values strip clubs over the feelings of their SO, doesn’t really love you. Actions speak louder than his vacant words. Juliette – you are in the right and he is in the wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you or your feelings. Just realize – it’s not easy to be in the enlightened minority.

    1. 46.1

      I can’t argue with you there William. The Chippendales guys never interested me. I would not be interested in going to that, not for prudish reasons, because those guys appear to be in a subservient position, even if they’re taking in the cash. That doesn’t appeal to me.

    2. 46.2

      Thank you for taking a stand!

  17. 47

    I agree William. I step up from prostitution and one step up from being a John. Not somewhere I would want to be or someone I would want to be with.

  18. 48

    I know this thread is old but I can on hoping to understand a guys perspective but have been disappointed by the results. Here’s the thing that bothers me the most. I would love to go to a strip club with my man and watch him get a lap dance. I love him enough to want to do things that will make him happy. But would he do the same for me? No. As Jerseygirl mentioned, that would mean me dancing for other guys and devouring their attention. Just like guys like to look at girls and get turned on or some sort of pleasure, girls like to be looked and noticed. It turns us on and makes us feel sexy. So if you want things to truly be equally satisfying in a relationship guys please be willing to give as much as you receive in this department. Sure my guy does things for me such as going shopping or out to dinner with my friends, however that is equal to me watching football with him or going golfing. I haven’t heard one single man, including Evan say they would be comfortable with this equality. Would it bother you to watch your girl be stared at admiringly half-naked and then give guys lap dances? Shouldn’t we both get to have our cake and eat it too and then go home and have great sex together?… 🙂

    1. 48.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Okay, Jess. Get a job as a stripper if that makes you happy. The right man will be able to deal with it. Let us know how it goes.

  19. 49

    Why should I have to get a job as stripper? See that’s the problem, I don’t want to be a stripper any more than a good man wants to go hang out with at a strip club every night. The question is could a man handle seeing his woman do those exact things (dancing provocatively and rubber her ass and tits on another man) even a couple times a year? Because for me, that would be fair. Now I am not saying I should be able to go to my best guy friends house and do this, but with a stranger, why not? It’s the same thing right? Like I said, I really don’t have a problem with my guy going to a strip club every now and then. I actually think being controlling and telling your husband what he can and can’t do is pathetic, I trust him. But he should be able to handle the same things I do. I don’t think I could my husband could handle this and that rubs to the wrong way. There is a reason men like to watch women do these things and there is equally a reason that women like to be watched and admired. Could most men handle this? That is all I am asking. I feel like it is legitimate and not insecure and degrading for me to feel this way.

    1. 49.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      a) I don’t think most men could handle it
      b) You’re working under the assumption that men and women are the same and what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. It makes for a challenging hypothetical. But I think, for men, in general, visualizing other women is their fantasy. For women, love and intimacy is a greater fantasy (see every romantic comedy ever made). This is not to say that women don’t find men visually appealing or lust for hot guys. It’s just that if you counted the number of male strip clubs and compared them with the number of female strip clubs, I think you’d see a massive disparity.
      c) So I can’t fully answer the question why there would seem to be a double standard here. I would say that telling a man not to look at other women is possible, but may not feel particularly organic to him. Essentially, you’re policing his fantasy life and not allowing him any stimulation outside the marriage. If you think strip clubs are cheating, then that’s your prerogative. I can’t argue with it. Just know that most men like to look. If you make a big deal about it, it becomes a big deal. If you put your foot down because it feels bad and feels like a double standard, then you can seek out the men who don’t go to strip clubs ever (there are man) or men who don’t look at porn ever (there are few).

      1. 49.1.1


        Thank you for admitting that most men could not handle it…I appreciate that! But I would ask that you also think about that feeling you get thinking about your wife doing those things for other men and know that, although we are stimulated different, that jealously feeling is the same for both men and woman. You can still be a secure woman and get jealous. I am not trying to prove anyone right or wrong, just give another perspective. I kind of like the jealous feeling I get…it reminds me to appreciate him. Because if I don’t, it could be a “real” woman next time.

        I also agree that woman are more stimulated by intimacy and men are visually. I wasn’t trying to argue that at all. I have very little desire to go to a a male strip club. But I think there is a lot out there that can prove that a woman feels sexy when men look at her. I would argue that is why woman act and dress a certain way to get a man’s attention. We want to feel wanted and are highly competitive with each other. What would make my man want me more than to know that other men desire me. So showing off for another man can be a huge turn on for women. Giving a guy a lap dance would be too, just like getting one turns a guy on. Though, it would not make her necessarily look the best in other peoples eyes so its better to keep this to herself. Plus, we women are emotional creatures so we wouldn’t be turned on by hurting our man. He would really have to be OK with it for us to want to do it. Unlike men, we wouldn’t be able to separate the act from an emotion.

        It’s fine with me that my man desires other woman. I like that about him, it makes him human. I think there is a a compromise here and that is the beauty of it. While a guy goes to a strip club with his buddies, a girl could go out to a night club with her friends. She could dance and flirt with other men, even let him buy her a drink. I think it’s just important that while we are respecting our SO’s desires, that we not let it bring us down in the process. Sometimes this has nothing to do with insecurities (a lot of times it does and is handled incorrectly) and more to do with feeling left out. I also want to come home feeling sexy and turned on. That’s all! I am confident in myself enough to know that I am worth a lot in my husbands eyes and my own. This the problem for the confident girl, she also wants to go out and get the attention (without cheating) and come home to her husband. That’s where my point was coming from!

        We only live once and when you truly love someone, you don’t want to treat him/her with judgment or control. You want them to get the most out of life and make their own decisions. Being under an illusion that you can control someone’s fantasies or make them only want you is not love. It’s an illusion women get from watching Cinderella and other fairy tales at a young age and become fixated on this being the truth. It’s also an illusion men get from seeing to many idealized images of woman in the media as well. We all have to get past these issues. I love being a woman…but I am tired of other woman giving us a bad rap by constantly putting men down for their behaviors and excusing their own.

        This is not a question of “should a let my husband do something?” What kind of question is that anyway? It is where is the line drawn for woman on this issue? I don’t want my husband to get mad at me for doing these things or think less of me because I like getting noticed by other men. I know I should ask him this but I want your honest opinion before I do. I’m not looking for a date…just to hear by someone else (who is not in love with me) that I am sexy. Is this wrong? Isn’t a LITTLE jealousy in a relationship a good thing?

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          “I’m not looking for a date…just to hear by someone else (who is not in love with me) that I am sexy. Is this wrong? Isn’t a LITTLE jealousy in a relationship a good thing?”

          Two different questions. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel desired by strangers. When my wife gets hit on, she comes home and tells me because she’s flattered. This is normal and secure people can handle it.

          But the second part: “Isn’t a little jealousy a good thing?” No. Not at all. Jealousy is based in insecurity and I don’t see one positive thing coming out of insecurity. I’m not “jealous” if some guy hits on my wife. I’m happy for my wife because it makes her feel good. Jealousy would imply that I would give her the third degree or “work harder” because I know she’s desirable to other men. It’s all bullshit. Secure people don’t worry about this stuff. I am not a jealous person. I did not marry a jealous person. And I frankly feel really bad for jealous people.

        2. Adrian

          Hi Jess, I remember once reading a blog by a older man saying how his wife gets hit on all the time by men of all ages (she did nothing wrong but he was angry, jealous) and the women who were commenting to the blog all basically said the same thing. They wouldn’t cheat, but it makes them feel good to know that they are still desired and found attractive, especially if they are older or have had children and their bodies aren’t the same as a firm childless 20 something year old.

          The point is, what you describe isn’t unusual I just think it’s not talked about very much. We always correlate a married person who doesn’t get angry with being hit on or flirted with as someone looking to cheat or not loving their spouse and that’s not true!

          But to be honest, if I would have never read all the heartfelt and sincere stories by all those women, then I would not have been so understanding. It confirms what Evan says, my jealousy would have just shown my own lack of trust and insecurity, so when you explain it to your husband, make sure he understands it’s not about cheating or you wanting to upgrade.

  20. 50

    OK..that was a really bad argument. You are right about the jealousy thing…and I don’t think I feel that way at all. I don’t exactly feel anger or fear. I don’t even hate the idea of him looking at other woman.I actually looked the definition up because I am confused about the meaning I guess. Envy and jealousy are closely related, however a connotation difference exists. To quote Webster, “Envy denotes a longing to possess something awarded to or achieved by another. . .Jealousy, on the other hand, denotes a feeling of resentment that another has gained something that one more rightfully deserves. Jealousy also refers to anguish caused by fear of losing someone or something to a rival.” I have zero fear of losing my husband, but I will admit that I think I am a little envious of him when it comes to this topic. I know it’s not right to think “he shouldn’t be able to have something I can’t have.” I know that is not a positive thing. It’s so difficult not to focus on “men can’t handle that sort of thing” and “women can get their desires equally met through romance” instead of men and woman are different and we don’t view this the same way. Society has really got us so hung up on making sure there is equality between men and women that we forget that value (especially sexual and emotional) among women and men is not identical. I continually compare these things. Something I need to work on! Thanks Evan!

  21. 51

    My friend had a girlfriend who would feel threatened by other women a few years ago. I am friends with both of them, and I had to enlighten her after they broke up over some of her hypocrisy. The thing is that she felt threatened whenever he saw a girl in yoga pants, but at one point, talked about hot guys with her friend in front of him. She was the girl who went to see Magic Mike, read FSG, but would get uncomfortable if he was watching an action movie with one, ten second semi-sexual scene. The first thing I did was kindly address her hypocrisy, and then explained to her that he was one of the most loyal guys I’ve ever met.

    As a loyal guy (who is doing good to get a girl in the first place), I will tell you, if you and your male SO is talking to you about things he finds attractive, and is open, he probably won’t go chasing it. If you let us talk to you about girls we find attractive, it makes us feel secure and accepted, as a male human being. Forcing us to hide all of that, frustrates our human nature, which might lead us to cheat and use porn. We are willing to let you express your desires as well, and in my opinion, we really don’t have a choice, just get on any social media, where girls will freely post things they find attractive, but guys who do that are considered to be selfish pigs. Make sure you and him are able to freely communicate without fear, and when that is happening, the party expressing their appeal, should add their desire for their partner, to ensure their loyalty to them.

    1. 51.1

      I had a similar experience with a gf. She felt threatened if I recognized another woman and would gasp or outright tell me that she didn’t like running into a woman I knew. Yet,,, she once asked me to spend a day with her and one of her former bf’s going to a sporting event and she even asked me if it was ok for him to stay overnight at her house (in the guest room of course). And I couldn’t even talk to a waitress about anything beside food. OMG, if I would have asked her if it was ok for a former gf to stay in my house overnight, she would have gone tilt. I think this asymmetry of expectations is a giant red flag. Beware!

    2. 51.2

      Did it ever occur to you that maybe women don’t want to hear about what you find attractive in other women?  What exactly do women get out of hearing you talk about how hot other women are?  What can women even do about it – morph their appearance to please you?  How about reserve your attention for your girlfriend when she’s in your presence and leave the ‘boner talk’ for your buddies or your “alone time” with your porn?  It’s fine if you find other women attractive (most women are acutely aware that this is how men are), but there’s really no need to make her aware of every detail of your sexuality.  You’re a big boy, you should be able to keep certain things to yourself and you shouldn’t need your girlfriend to hold your hand through every little urge you get.

  22. 52

    This column is one of many reasons why I keep coming back to this site to read.
    I love how you talk about CHOOSING to feel a certain way. How true this is.
    And what you said about jealousy- so true.
    Evan- you’re good at this. (although i strongly disagree with your “do nothing” advice)

  23. 53

    My boyfriend and I went to a sex show in Amsterdam that I was super uncomfortable about going to. But we were on holiday and when in “Amsterdam”. He suggested at one point that I go up and participate, I didn’t want to so just watched. And after one of the acts he was so relieved that I decided not to do it. Maybe it’s because of our culture and where we’re from but it left a bad taste in our mouths, and it wasn’t the vodka. We walked back through the Red Light District to a bar and caught a cab home later that night. As an attempt to regain control I had sex with him when we got home. This isn’t the first time it’s happened and I’m not entirely sure why I have the need to have that kind of sexual control over him. I don’t think he knows that’s why I sometimes have sex with him.

  24. 54
    ioxoi perez

    Would there be a difference if the girlfriend liked going to male strip clubs. Because its always about male plesures. What if the girl wanted all that that a guy wants , but to enjoy with a different guy. Like threesoms or porn or strip clubs. Then there’d be a difference, there always is.

  25. 55

    Married 13 years, 45 years old and I have gone to the strip club whenever I have a serious problem with the marriage.  By that I mean, what my therapist has defined as emotional abuse and not only from the wife by from her adult daughter who lives with us.  The other reason is the anger my wife has which sometimes turns into physical abuse.  I know I can handle the punches physically and only sometimes she is able to calm down in a reasonable amount of time.  It is the psychological effect on me which has gotten to me, not ever knowing when she may flare up.  When I was in college, I suffered a nervous breakdown, so I am sometimes simply walking on eggshells around the house.  Also, another thing that gets me, is she sometimes purposefully disrespects me in public in front of our friends.    All of these things combined have me running away at times just to get some comfort from a woman who will at least talk with me and listen or give me a nice hug.  The other stuff, the naked bodies, lap dances, etc. are nice, but the real reason I go is for a short bit of good companionship, whether it is feigned or not.  Actually, the naked part actually has turned my stomach at times, literally.  (On time I actually ran to the men’s room because I thought I was going to throw up!).

    Anyway, the marriage is dissolving quickly because of the issues I mentioned.  The only thing which has kept me in it until now it seems is the relief I get when I am at the club.  I don’t know where I’d be without that outlet.    The other thing is I end up with the same dancer every time, by choice.   It seems people believe that you cannot get to know a dancer or that she doesn’t really care, but dancers are people too and some are more genuine than others.    I just know that she and I have both benefited from our talks together.    If the wife were to find out,  I believe she would divorce me in a heartbeat.  I also believe if I didn’t have such an outlet, I would have been divorced months ago because of the hostile environment in which I live.

    The wife and I have been to counseling, but every time, she has become angry with the counselor claiming she is siding with me.  She has yet to go get her own counselor.

    I think strip clubs could be an outlet for men like me, albeit very expensive.  Also, I believe for some it could be a very bad place to be.  All in all, the place is set up to take advantage of men’s weaknesses and their primal instinctive reaction to a pleasurable sight (naked sexy women).  For that reason, I do not agree they are harmless.  Rather I think they cause more harm than good.  There is a lot of deception, emotion and chemical charge in the air.  That is never a good combination.   I still go because I have a friend there.  Yes, I find her attractive, but the social interaction beats a lap dance any day.

    Some people call men like PL s  which stands for “Pathetic Loser”.  I don’t mind being called that.  It doesn’t bother me at all.




    1. 55.1

      Thank you for your story and honesty. I am against strip clubs and brothels for so many reasons. I think you would be better off not being married to such a toxic person. You should go to private counseling so you can find a better path for your life, and hopefully not feel the need to go to clubs. Hopefully you can find a brighter path for yourself in the future. hugs!

  26. 56

    My husband and I recently traveled to St. Petersburg to our friends, and it was the first time in my life I ended up in a strip bare. Surprisingly even for me, it was good. Beautiful dancing, beautiful bodies.. There was something to see and discuss afterwards with my husband. Moreover, there was something to remember for future use!) To be honest, maybe it sounds a bit slutty, but in my point of view, I can see nothing bad about it. Simply just because it didn’t harm neither our love, nor sex life.. and even spiritual and physical intimacy. Although I have standard orientation, I’m definitely not a prude.

    I don’t know, maybe it’s because the atmosphere that was created in this bar (I think, it was called Zavist, I don’t remember correctly, sorry), or maybe it’s because i really trust my husband and he trusts me back..but it was a good evening to remember and a good night afterwards, when we stayed in our hotel just two of us. I don’t know whether we will repeat this kind of experience or not, but what I can clearly say, that this case wasn’t harmful for our relationship at all!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *