Letters From Men Who Go to Strip Clubs

Journalist Susannah Breslin has started a compelling site called Letters From Men Who Go to Strip Clubs.

Yes, that’s all it is.

Here’s what a few big media outlets have to say about it. Salon: “A new blog gives voice to guys who empty their pockets just to see naked flesh, and reveals a lot about male desire.” Newsweek: “Gives men a chance to write anonymously about the complicated reasons they buy sex.” TIME.com: “[A]n online collection of purportedly real letters from sex workers and their customers.”

I’m sharing it with you because, as I see it, my job is help you understand how men think. Of course, every time I tell you how men think, somebody writes back and tells me that I’m wrong. I’ve always found it interesting – the concept of shooting the messenger – but as far as I can tell, I get shot mostly because a) you don’t want to believe that I’m telling the truth or b) you are an exception to the rule, which, of course, doesn’t negate the rule. I can say that it generally gets colder in the winter, and the fact that it may be 79 degrees in LA one day doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get colder in the winter.

In any case, Letters From Strip Clubs is a really entertaining read, right from the horse’s mouth, about why men go to strip clubs. I didn’t find any of it particularly surprising, because I’m, you know, a man. But it’s definitely a worthwhile read.

What resonates most to me is that all of the letters seems a little sad, which describes the state of a lot of men who are just looking for some sort of female connection. These men aren’t to be scorned. Pitied, maybe. But mostly, I hope you understand their loneliness and understand why I spend a lot of time trying to get you to give men a break. You don’t have to like strip clubs, but you can’t deny that their prevalence fills a temporary need for millions of men – not all of whom are scornful perverts, I assure you.

Your thoughts are appreciated, as always.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Hmmmmm

    Interesting reading, Evan.  Judging only by those who’s letters I read, they’re a sad bunch. Too bad this is the only way they’ve figured out to fulfill their needs. There are certainly better options.  I thought this said a lot about one segment of those men…

    “Everyone’s sad. Especially men at strip clubs. The patrons know it. The strippers know it. The guy out on the highway who couldn’t afford the cover charge knows it.”

    1. 1.1
      Bob

      I do not want to condone strip joints because they can be very expensive and may put many people in financial difficulty, much like a gambling or drug problem or any other expensive addiction. However from the sexual standpoint I do not have a lot of sympathy for the whining women on this site.
      I am amazed at how stirred up most women get when they talk about them. As a man I have reservations about a lot of things I know women do during their day that could make any man worried or jealous if he wanted to. What about the massages women get from attractive men when they are nearly naked or naked, the visits to their male physiotherapists or handsome doctors, spiritual leaders or whatever. Their tennis lessons,personal trainers, the micro bikinis, topless beaches, nude beaches, etc. These are all outlets for women to explore their wild side that may not make their partners real happy either if they knew all the details. Take a look around, women are much more exhibitionist by nature and men are more visual. Women wear mini skirts, low cut blouses, very small bikinis, short shorts, tight shorts, etc all to tease men and garner attention. These are the same women that put down and degrade strippers. I guess it is because they are not getting paid for their exhibitionist tendencies while strippers are.

      1. 1.1.1
        Anonymous

        Right, Bob. Women are just wearing certain clothes for men? Get your head out of your ass. Believe it or not, some women enjoy wearing certain clothes for THEIR OWN BENEFIT. Just like men do things to make themselves happy, women do the same. Please think about what you write before you write it. Women wear clothes “all to tease men and garner attention.” Really?? Just because you cannot handle the ‘visual’ urges you undergo when a woman is wearing a feasible outfit during a tennis lesson does NOT mean that she did it for you.

        1. Andy

          Hi Anonymous,

          Bob has a complete right to express his opinion on how he sees these things.

          When there is so much danger, and everybody has a choice in this world, why would someone wear a mini skirt/tight skirt/(no skirt!!??) if it wasn’t to impress others around?  If it is not to impress, and it is just to feel comfortable in yourself, do these clothes really feel that comfortable when one spends half the night pulling it down to cover themselves up?

          Now before you jump on your high horse, I think everyone has the right to wear whatever they like (and feel comfortable wearing).

          Bob, like anyone else (including you) has an opinion as a human being, and if you don’t like his opinion, then cringe, stay away, move on, and go to some other site.  Above all, accept that you have a different opinion.  Hell! Even mention you have a different opinion in an informative way, and keep the discussion open! which after all is one of the benefits of the internet (as long as people use “Netiquette”)…but don’t shoot someone down for having an opinion.

          I am old enough to be in the age range where I was sensible (maybe too sensible and some may say, i have no life! I have a very good life, maybe just not the same as others) but I am alive and I will listen to general advice to stay safe.  I might not always take it, but I won’t blame anyone else for my “mistakes” by not taking the general advice.

          And yes, I might be a few years too late on this message, as I can’t identify the date of your post, but possibly still relevant….it is after all my “opinion”.

          Keep happy and safe!

  2. 2
    ValleyForgeLady

    This is so very sad!  What is the take away from this?  While I was reading this…. I received an email from a guy on POF who clearly stated that he wants a Friend with Benefits beause he essentiallly has given up on love!

    What is a decent, loving women supposed to do with this scenario?  I know this is very prevalent.  The availability of porn has not helped.

    How much darkness exists in the souls of the men I meet on line?  This stuff has me totally discouraged.   Where is the hope of love from a decent man?

    With all the moral depravity of men in the news and the deer in the headllight looks of their wives….What chance do I have of finding a decent man?       

  3. 3
    Alicia

    It seems that most men that go to strip clubs (of the ones that I know) are young (19-30) with no girlfriend or serious relationship. Or you get ones like the letter about the gay man (which was a good read).

    Then there are ones like on the Letters site that can get love but choose to go outside their relationship. I firmly believe that if you can’t talk to your partner about problems or fetishes (among other things), your relationship isn’t all that solid. Your happiness should matter to the person you’re with. Selectively being honest with your spouse or significant other is, in my mind, still lying. We’ve all heard that it is bad to base a relationship on sex or on dishonesty, so I find it hard to pity anyone (male or female) that goes outside their means. If your SO is fine with it though, more power to you.

    Interesting read. Thank you for posting the article. I shared it (and my response) with both males and females, and we’ve all enjoyed debating on it.

  4. 4
    devymetal

    “So long as everyone involved simply enjoys the game, all is well; but the moment someone needs more than the game, they absolutely cannot have it, and so they stand there, open and raw and unable to share. Most of the other dudes are too engaged to notice, but the detached strippers and the detached gay man notice.”

    The “I Am Gay” entry.

    I think the take-away here is that perceptive people notice the sometimes tragic or desperate undertones in the interactions that occur between strippers and clients. It’s impossible to have an informed conversation about the experiences of men who frequent strip clubs without mentioning the sometimes brutal reality that is life as a stripper. The key difference here is that the men get to go home at the end of the night and shake it off, the women… not so much.

    I’ve known a lot (hundreds) of strippers, and if you knew how poorly they were treated by the management, how little any of them actually like the job, how untrue the myth of stripper-as-empowered-woman (who somehow loves to be endlessly propositioned for paid sex and is miraculously undamaged by it etc.– another reality of being a stripper) is, you probably wouldn’t want your boyfriend/husband to go to strip clubs for entirely different reasons. There are exception, but painfully few– most strippers hate the job, are desperate for money and feel incapable of finding a better source of income.

    Many of these young girls (especially in Manhattan) are from Russia, the Caribbean or Brazil and can’t work legally in the U.S. So they feel trapped, like any other population of undocumented workers, and are therefore more vulnerable to making bad decisions out of fear of deportation. Also, almost all strippers (I don’t have the statistics, but extensive personal experiences has taught me this) have one or more of the following issues: 1.) Drug problems, often including past arrest histories which haunt them forever, employment-wise 2.) Are single mothers 3.) Are trying to support family members either here, or just as frequently in another country, whom they hope to bring here 4.) Are sexual abuse survivors. These are facts. If you want to believe otherwise, well, a disproportionate amount of the very few outliers who have stripped long-term and didn’t fit these statistical norms have written books and blogs and profited from it. In fact, I never met a well-adjusted student with better options who didn’t quit after a few shifts. NEVER.

    In short: I just can’t stand the way modern media and society in general portray strip clubs as bastions of male fantasy fulfillment wherein nobody really gets hurt but perhaps the long-suffering girlfriend or wife at home. That isn’t true, and has never been true. 

    1. 4.1
      TruthSeeker

      This is completely true.  In all of my experience of the stripping world, this is exactly true.  It is a dark depressing world and many of the women dissociate in order to be able to do the work.  I believe this truth needs to be more widely known.  There needs to be a healthier option available for everyone involved…

    2. 4.2
      Andy

      Excellent response!

      I agree with most, if not all of this, and whilst initial thoughts may flame hasty responses, after sitting back and taking it in, it is so true!  We all have choices in this world, some choose one path, some choose another and I think it is sad when people choose a path through desperation.

      Why are we in this position?  Another topic!

    3. 4.3
      Laugh More

      LOL just stop. What is your authority on this issue? You’ve “known hundreds of strippers”? Your particular blend of conviction and ignorance is…. special. But you’re not alone as this thread demonstrates so maybe you feel safe in numbers. We’ll be trying to grow crops with Gatorade soon enough.

  5. 5
    StrengthThruSuffering

    I agree with devymetal. It is nearly impossible to talk to most men about this and get a 100% honest answer about his motives. He will either not talk or leave out bits and pieces to protect himself from the pain.

    Another point that devy made was about characteristics of strippers. That reminds me of a TV show I watched once. It had the line “Stripper stories always come in threes; 1) single mother, 2) working through college, and 3) drug addict.” It’s humorous to me that someone else knows that too.

    One thing that has always puzzled me is men who meet and ultimately date strippers, like the man who wrote about it. I thought many men were too jealous/competitive to allow strange men touch their womens’ erogenous zones.

    The point is that it is terribly sad that men feel the need to pay for companionship, when just going to a bar would be easier (and cheaper). Strip clubs are really a no-win situation for the stripper, patron, and family of the patron. Porn addictions seem to make strip clubs and paid companions more prevalent and that is miserably pathetic.

  6. 6
    Quinn

    @devymetal
    I was a stripper for a couple years while I finished up my degree, so yes, ‘well-adjusted students’ do strip, and while their were certainly some women there with no other options, some were just like me- normal, intelligent women with a bit of a wild side. 

    I LOVED my job for the exact reasons many of these men were there.  I got the chance to connect with many men on a pretty deep level.  I got to make lots of sad strangers feel really special.  I got to dance and be as all out sexy as I wanted.
    It was not all sunshine and roses, some men were perverts or jerks, but the vast majority were good people who just wanted some attention from a beautiful woman.  I learned some valuable lessons about what men want, and what a lot of men are most likely missing in their long-term relationships.  Warmth, openness, eye-contact, someone to really listen, and the feeling that they are strong and in control, the ability to say “I want you” or “I want this” and have it delivered freely and sincerely.  (and yes, I was genuine and sincere with those who were that way with me)
    just wanted to put another perspective out there…

    1. 6.1
      Melissa

      This is akin to “helping” an alcoholic by giving them another drink so they can feel better.
      Their affection for–and relationships with–their significant other would return if you removed your corruptive interference in their lives.
      People like you who get off on destroying peoples lives are called sociopaths.Sadly there is no cure for this; It is a personality defect.

      1. 6.1.1
        Angelique

        I totally agree.  I have been married for more than 18 years, Just found out last August my husband was going to strip clubs for more than 4 years, he would take them out to eat once in a while  txt often most of txt messages where inviting him to the strip club. In three occasions  he would go to the bank to deposit money to their account. Why not be upfront with wife to divorce  and live as a single man.  I just don’t get it. He said he regrets,  was a moment of weakness and that he never had sex with them.

        1. Dani

          The bottom line is men are not able to stay monogamous and be confined in a relationship. It’s very sad that women and men can never be compatible because of it.

           

        2. Andy

          @Dani – When you say “men”, are you being a generalist here?

          I can honestly say that I have been monogamous throughout.  Granted, it has only been 10 years, and I am not married yet, but still, I have only ever been involved in the one lady.

          My parents (although I can’t prove obviously) have always been monogamous, and I just know that!

          I agree with you that this happens a lot, and maybe (sadly) sometimes, things just fade away.

          It does seem to happen a lot lately, but it is certainly not all men.

          Wow, who knows, maybe one day things will not work out for me, and I might be in one of these strip clubs! 🙁 but for now, I certainly plan to stay the way we are.

           

      2. 6.1.2
        Andy

        This is ludicrous!  Really?  You are comparing love and sex with being an alcoholic??

        In my opinion, you have completely got the wrong end of the stick here!

        Why not say, to understand how a child thinks, is like an alcoholic!  Crazy!  What you are saying is to explore the world and learn from it, and use that experience to better yourself/others is corrupt??  Good luck to you!

        If something helps someone to achieve more than they had before, and to make something work stronger, then how can that be wrong?

    2. 6.2
      butterduck

      Are you still stripping, Quinn? No, right? Why not?

  7. 7
    AnnieC

    Agree with Devymetal also. The illusion that most strippers are doing it because they really want to is really disturbing. What some of these men are saying is also disturbing.

    Some of it however, shows how lonely they are. I don’t understand how going to a strip bar, or a prostitute takes that away but it is sad to see that loneliness. I wonder why that happens? What about friends, family etc?

  8. 8
    Trenia

    One word comes to mind: selfish. It’s one thing to go to strip clubs and use sex workers to fulfill whatever desire you have when you’re single, but it’s quite another issue entirely when you’re in a committed relationship with someone and your finances and sexual health are tied to someone else. Not to mention how so many of these women (and girls) are often forced into this kind of work, and the numbers are rising. These are grown men, they can do whatever they want, but there is a ripple effect to the choices that they make.
    In terms of sexual exploration, I bet many of the wives and girlfriends of these men would be willing to sexually explore with them, but because so many men still have this Madonna/whore complex when it comes to women, it makes sexual exploration very difficult. Meaning, if a woman performs a sexual act that a man associates with what he’s experienced in a strip club or with a sex worker, he may think less of the woman in his life. I’ve heard some men say “if she’s that nasty with me, I can only imagine where she learned it”, or something to that effect.
    I read some of the letters, and I’m always fascinated by the number of men who talk about that one girl who rejected them publicly in the 7th grade and they never got over it, so that became their excuse for all of their bad behavior with women. But if a woman is still nursing a broken heart after being dumped a few weeks before her wedding, she’s castigated because she hasn’t “gotten over it” yet.
    Herein lies another problem between men and women, men want to be understood, explore more sexually but have no patience for a woman who may feel a little needy and anxious because she’s not married by a certain age.
    @Quinn #6, I’m glad that your experience was positive as a stripper. But my guess is if you were doing it as a college student, the club you were in probably was a little bit more upscale than most (correct me if I’m wrong). I used to work with strippers, sex workers and sex trafficked girls, and trust me, there was nothing fun or pleasingly sexual about what I saw. What i experienced through my work was sheer horror, not only at how the women and girls were treated but by the supposedly “good men” who stood by, watched and did nothing.

  9. 9
    Dan

     
    When treating other people, true character is about treating people with respect. We all know what that is like when we are on the receiving end in dating and relationships.
     
    This applies also to people based on what they do to earn money. Sadly, devymetal’s comments @4 reveal a harsh reality of stripper’s lives. Still, strippers are people who deserve respect, particularly from the men who go to a strip club. But they should also deserve a nonjudgmental attitude from the rest of us. We don’t know about the life of any individual stripper. Yet, I feel a tone of scorn or disgust in some of these replies from the women here. Is this because this is a gut emotional reaction? I believe that at a primeval level, women are threatened by other women who may be sexual competition. I’m just stating a possibility that may be hard to accept. Kudos to EMK for putting this post out there to generate this reaction.
     
    I also want to address the negative views that women make about men who go to strip clubs. I see words here like “sad bunch.” I don’t see how that is any more sad than an unloved man or woman who is lonely and seeking love. In this regard, this sad bunch could be any of us.
     
    I didn’t read a lot of the letters on that blog. The first one I read, “I am very much an introvert” (Nov 30, 2011) was very sensitive and touching for me. It was from a shy guy who was hurt when, as a 13 year old, his crush was mean to him. Then he was hurt many times after that through high school. My heart goes out to him. In dating, males have to make the first move. I don’t think females at that age know how much hurt they can inflict on a sensitive boy who makes such a gesture for the first time. People are sensitive, and scars last a long time. This is one of those key differences between men and women that women will never understand.
     
    So he goes to a strip club as a college student as a way to meet women who at least will talk to him, deymetal4’s comments aside. I don’t see anything wrong with that. That letter very much reflects my own early life of shyness, rejection, hurt and loneliness. Some women think it is sad and pathetic that a high school or college guy can’t at least talk to other female peers. The reality in our early 20’s is that in a bar or dance club and even in a social group, shy guys are edged out. In their daily lives, they may have one female friend, likely just as shy and geeky as them. That is hardly anything near having enough social experience with the opposite sex.
     
    AnnieC@7: I wonder why that happens? What about friends, family etc?
    The vast majority of men don’t share their deep feelings with their friends and even family the way women do. That is another key difference between men and women.
     
    Like that man, I also went to a strip club a few times on my own while I was in college, because I had no other way of talking to women, as I thought that would help. I didn’t know anything about devymetal4’s points at that age. I bought a few beers and just watched the stage show, because I was too shy to strike up a one-on-one conversation or ask for a table dance. I haven’t gone back since then. This was my reality and I think I am decent, caring and thoughtful guy.

  10. 10
    Teresa

    qunn

    you make it sound all warm and fuzzy the bottom line however is that your interactions with these men were a financial transactions pure and simple. When human interaction is reduced to that level it very sad to me.  

  11. 11
    Sayanta

    Very interesting article EMK – thanks for sharing. What’s interesting is how some female posters are not acknowledging the pain that these men have gone through- choosing to judge instead. (not that ive never judged myself but it’s obviously easier to call out other people for doing thing than yourself).

    It’s a refusal to acknowledge or listen to the other side of things– the kind of attitude that colors your interaxn w/the opposite sex.

    I’m really glad, again, that you posted this. It’s just one article, but it’s broadened my view a bit.

  12. 12
    Teri

    The strip clubs aren’t half the problem.
    Any idea how many men MARRIED men… REALLY use Escort services and Asian massage parlors?
     Do a study on that one. you’ll really be choked up. More men use these outlets then they do strip clubs.

  13. 13
    AQ

    what a mess

  14. 14
    Vicki

    I’m glad that shy men go to strip clubs. I don’t hang out in strip clubs, so I’m guaranteed never to meet them. 🙂
     
    I’m glad I meet men through volunteer work and through my friends. There’s a 99.9% chance I will never meet a guy like the ones who go to strip clubs —  because they’re too awkward to talk to women in normal day to day life. They could only ever meet me in normal day to day life and are (fortunately) too shy to speak to me. 🙂 I’m glad they have an outlet, even if it’s a sad one. At least it keeps them out of my path. 
     
    I don’t hate shy men, I just prefer dating socially well-adjusted, people-person types who are able to at least hold up their half of the dinner conversation.
     
    I’m an introvert too, but in my experience, introverted men are practically pre-verbal. As a woman, I may be shy, but I can still hold a conversation with a stranger (even if it takes me a bit longer to warm up to them).
     
    I had dinner once with an engineer who barely participated in the conversation. I would ask him questions about his work, hobbies, etc. I swear to you, his answers were all less than 5 syllables. I could NOT get a conversation moving with him, and that’s really a big deal-breaker for me.
     
    He might have been a very nice guy, who made loads more money than I’ll ever make, but I am looking for a companionate relationship, not just a robot who takes out the trash and pays the electric bill.
     
    For shy men reading this, please don’t feel slighted. If you have trouble talking to women at work, in bars, etc,  then join a book club, volunteer for an animal shelter or sign up for a yoga class. You’re almost guaranteed to be the ONLY guy in the place, and after a few meetings/dog walks/classes, you’ll have had at least a few decent conversations. The regular contact with the same group of women will at least give you time to warm up to asking one of them out for a cup of coffee.

    1. 14.1
      Torie

      You are ignorant with your statements… You can’t put all men into a category that go to strip clubs. Like “shy”..etc. … or a women that strip or may go to strip clubs… I think making comments like that show how people can be super judgmental or just simply ignorant….

    2. 14.2
      Andy

      Hmmm, I wonder why so many men are shy when they have people to content with, with judgments like this!  I can’t speak for others, but to me, it is usually the thought of how people will react and think that stops me from talking (or too nervous to have a conversation).

      Everyone is entitled to their opinion of course, but the old saying of “if you dont try, you wont get anywhere” doesn’t seem true based on what you are saying?

      At the end of the day, it is confidence, and not everyone has it

  15. 15
    lawyerette

    What was interesting to me is how many of the men said they go for the conversation – given the stereotype that men don’t want to talk to the women in their lives. Hmm. My takeaway is to offer a non-judgmental ear to the men I date, because it seems that men appreciate that.

  16. 16
    still looking

    When I was young, strip clubs were exciting.  Now they are downright boring and sad.

    While some of the women fly into town on a weekend to make more money than they make M-F, and some of the guys are out with a bunch of friends for a bachelor party, the day to day workers and attendees are downright sad.

    When I was younger I’d go with a friend on a Sat night and watch some poor guy buy table dance after table dance until a good percentage of his weekly paycheck was gone.  Once the money was gone, so were the girls.

    The women seemed to fall into two categories == sad and sadder.

    Needless to say, I don’t hang out at strip clubs any longer. 

  17. 17
    Kathy

    How edited are the letters on that blog?  I only ask because they all seem so well-crafted… as though they were all written by journalists rather than by regular run-of-the-mill guys who go to strip clubs.  Does Ms Breslin heavily edit/ re-write the submissions?
    In any case, I think the situation is sad.  No.  I’m not saying that the men who are going to strip clubs are sad.  But I think it’s unfortunate that there are so many lonely women (like me) looking for a kind man who they can snuggle with and talk to and so many lonely men (like many of these letter writers) who long for female companionship and attention… and yet, we somehow cannot connect with each other. 
    I do wonder if I’m being expected to “live up to” the unattainable example set by strippers.  They are never allowed to get fat, be grumpy, look tired, act as though their client doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  Do men who go to strip clubs start to imagine that this is the way that women should behave?  Tough to know…

  18. 18
    Erin

    I am really trying to feel some compassion for these men that wrote the letters. And some of them I do. The 24 year old man that’s lonely and just wants someone to talk to, I feel compassion for him. But most of the men centered around, not wanting female companionship, so much as wanting hot young female companionship. There were men who wrote letters who were over the age of 35, married, talking about the things these strippers gave them that they clearly don’t/can’t/maybe didn’t even want? to get from their wives. Is that their wives fault? That she can’t be a 20 year old stripper? It’s clearly the young stripper that makes them feel good. It’s the young stripper they are seeking to meet their needs. It’s the young stripper with the pretty body they want over their own partners who inevitably aren’t as beautiful as their own partners. I don’t really get the impression that these me are seeking companionship so much as young companionship. As one man said:
    “Last year I got together with 10 high school friends. We are all 42 years old. Most with degrees and married. 2 are “strip club guys”. If there is an opportunity, they are dying to go; its in their dna. The rest of us are “sure, why not” types – strippers are sexier than the women we are usually with. In a group, its entertaining and fun and different and erotic. If only 2 guys go, it breaks up the monotony and is erotic. If you go alone, more likely that you have some type of problem.”
     
    Strippers are sexier then the woman they are usually with. Obviously their heir wives and partners/girlfriends. What are we suppose to learn from that? Because in that message, I just feel beat down then as a woman when it comes to men lately. Men want 18 year old girls, pretty perfect bodies and even if they marry you, the are going to seek that out through strip clubs and porn.  
     
    These men might be lonely but some of them are choosing to be lonely. They rather pay young hot girls for an hour of fake attention then learn what it takes to relate to women outside of a fantasy situation. That seems to be the real problem. The desire to manifest women into a fantasy and preferring using that to their advantage then doing the hard work it takes to work with real women in the real world. And that makes *me* as a woman feel more alone then ever.
    But the difference is that there is no place that I as a woman can go to get the same fake relief with men that men are apparently getting through strip clubs. I can’t complete with porn and strip clubs and the expectations about my own body and aging process that men hold up to women. I am most absolutely not as hot as any stripper. Men would not pay to see me dance. If men want strip clubs and porn, they got them. But I can’t feel vulnerable and soft hearted for them because their loneness seems to steam more from a superficial place then one born out of really wanting to know and relate to women. They don’t really want real women, real affection, real relationships. Alot of them talked about being happy with the what they knew was fake because the girl was hot enough.
    One 61 year old man talks about how it’s “revenge” for all the young women he wishes he could have but can’t. Revenge because younger women don’t want to be with 61 year old men? What? He’s lonely only because he is 61 and wants 20 year olds. Another man talks about being married to a beautiful woman but it’s not enough for him. He needs release through other women with big fake boobs. What am I suppose to understand from this? I get that message everyday from the media. That I’m not pretty enough. That I am not young enough. That I am not really want men want in a world full of younger prettier women then myself. And that men rather pay prettier women for an hour of fake attention then work with me for a real relationship where real vulnerability and closeness would take time and where I am not nearly as hot as what they could get at some swank strip club. 
    And those letters seem more of the same. Yes, some of the men are lonely. But they also only want the hottest or youngest woman they can get and will pay for a hour of time with a young hot woman rather then take the time to relate to their own wives or real woman which is obviously much more difficult and who obviously aren’t nearly has sexy and beautiful. I feel for *some* of those men that clearly struggle with their relationships. But most of the letters seemed to be centered around men that had women in their lives yet still were seeking out things from women in strip clubs they clearly couldn’t or didn’t want to get from their own partners. I don’t understand how this is suppose to help in my relationships with men. It just leaves me feeling more resigned to the fact that I am never going to be the type of woman men apparently need or want. Which by the letters men wrote is perpetually young, hot and sexual. I’m just me. And I know that in today’s world with so many visual options for men, I’m not good enough. I try to do the best I can. I’m lonely too. But those guys wouldn’t care that I was. 

    1. 18.1
      Kim

      I agree with Erin’s comments completely. Exactly how I feel.

    2. 18.2
      leah

      After reading your reflections I’m so relieved that I’m not the only one who thinks and feels like this concerning gender relations. Especially with the whole constant reminder that we somehow need to be younger and sexier -which is never for our benefit (even when some think that looking sexy and young will help self esteem it’s generally not the apperance part that gives people a boost its the approval and acceptance). I think if the majority if men could see the effects of their mindset and have more compassion towards themselves and others they and their wives\gfs would not only be happier, healthier but also more satisfied with their emotional and physical intimacy. Thank you for elegantly vocalizing your insight 🙂

    3. 18.3
      Stephanie

      Awwwww I feel that way sometimes to when I used to find porn on my ex boyfriends phone. I thought to myself why?  When I’m right here!  I was willing to try whatever.  Wear whatever.  I’m blonde. I’m in shape. I’m pretty. I’m a makeup artist. I sure know how to do my makeup like a stripper or porn star but yet that’s not enough for him and he goes behind my back and  Jack’s off to pornography stripper looking women he doesn’t even know.    I can’t help but feel so hurt.

  19. 19
    Kim

    I have often been told that I am emotionally a woman, but sexually a man. And I would agree, when it comes to sex I like variation, both in style and in person, in the conquest in itself, and the unbridled bliss of having little to no emotion connected to the act.

    The downfall?
    In relationships, I can never connect sex and love, and that’s to say I even know what love feels like. I am a swinger, and a bisexual. I go to parties and now that I’m in a relationship currently, I find it hard to enjoy sex with a man I love. I haven’t cheated on him, I am 100% faithful, but I yearn to have sex with other people (and he knows and allows this – as long as we swing as a couple). I love the challenge of trying to have sex with someone new, someone possibly out of my league. I love the game of seduction and the power it gives me when I get compliments on my talents.

  20. 20
    AnnieC

    @18 Erin.

    You sound so sad, but don’t give up. Yes, some men will want that, and really haven’t you ever looked at a 20 year old male, with a great body and gone ooo he’s hot? We just don’t get aroused in the same way that men do in this regard usually.

    I do agree with you though, that the “I want a young, hot, pretty thing beside me”, is purely about ego and validation. But really, so what? Would you even want to be with these types of men? Let them have their fantasy and they can spend their entire lives/paychecks on women who don’t want them.

    I’ve heard those revenge comments too, and it just shows that 40+ years later, the man is still holding a grudge. Would you want to hold a grudge for THAT Long? What a waste of life to hold onto bitterness.

    And yes, some of the men were sad, and wanted a woman to talk to. Those are the ones I can feel some empathy for. 

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