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dating coach for smart, strong, successful women Evan Marc Katz
Dear Evan,

So what is it with guys who just want you to come over and don’t ask to take you out? What is it really – if they have tons of money, it’s not affordability…Laziness? I don’t understand… are they like that with all girls, or just ones with SLUT written on their forehead? It hurts my feelings.

Thanks,
Nancy

Three words, Nancy: Because they can.

That’s pretty much the reason that anyone does anything, right? Because they can.

Why did you climb Mt. Everest? Because I can.
Why did you yell at your assistant? Because I can.
Why did you go over her house with a bottle of wine and no intention of taking her out? Because I can.

The problem is, “because I can” puts the full onus on the guy. And while we can’t hold him blameless – there’s no gun to his head, forcing him to sleep with you – you have to take responsibility for allowing him to come over and not take you out.

In psychology, they call it enabling. I can’t come up with a better term for it, so we’ll stick with that, for now. By enabling, you are creating an atmosphere in which the guy can continue his unacceptable behavior. In other words, if you let him treat you like a slut, you can’t be surprised if he continues to treat you like a slut.

Not that I’m judging or anything. You’re not a slut for staying in the bedroom with him; you’re only a slut if you feel like a slut. Booty calls are great, but only if both people are on board. If not, somebody’s getting hurt, and it’s most often the woman. This is due to biological reasons (oxytocin bonding), sociological reasons (men are studs/women are sluts), and human reasons (you want to be valued for more than your body and you crave a stable relationship). All in all, if this pattern of behavior isn’t satisfying for you, it’s your responsibility to cut it off. Not his.

Because when a guy’s getting the equivalent of a male royal flush – sex for no money – there’s no reason to expect him to fold. The only way to bust him is to break the cycle and say that you’re looking for a real relationship. If he steps up to the plate, you have your relationship. If he doesn’t, you won’t have to feel like a slut. And if you determine that you’re actually okay with the arrangement, that’s cool, too. Just don’t wait for the booty call to turn into a boyfriend on his own.