I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

Evan, I want an honest opinion on my predicament. I am in a year-long relationship and my boyfriend is a wonderful man. We have a strong connection and share a lot of values, views and interests. We’re getting pretty serious but there’s something that is eating me up inside. I think my boyfriend doesn’t think I am hot!

Being 5’5″ and 115lbs and measuring 34-26-35.5”, I always assumed that I was in the same league as a lot of celebrities who boast similar bodies. Granted, I am a little heavier towards my hips and have a bit wider frame but does 1″ really make a lot of difference here? Well, yes, according to my dear b/f. He basically told me that I can’t even compare myself to an actress or other celebrities (this ridiculous conversation started while watching TV and making comments about some actress). To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them. That was the essence of the conversation. Of course, I felt hurt and I had a few “nice” things to say to him in response – as in “look who’s talking” kind of things and this conversation went downhill right away.

Now, am I crazy to be upset about this outlook of his? Men I dated in the past were (or at least acted the part) infatuated by me. I am used to hearing how beautiful I am. Men turn heads when I walk down the street. While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend! I mean, if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? Wouldn’t he be saying things like “honey, Angelina Jolie got nothing on you”? What happens if I gain weight with age – do I go from being “pretty” to “ugly, but I love you anyway because we have 2 kids and a mortgage and divorcing you is too damn expensive”? Am I being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have I got a legitimate concern? Is recognizing that your girlfriend is not ranking at the top of your scale in terms of looks but is the best “package” you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc. a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker? —Diana.

Love. This. Question.

It’s a microcosm of every misinterpretation in every relationship ever.

And before I answer it, I want to share with you a story.

It was a tale from a linguistics professor in college who explained to the class that, in studies, men tend to be much more direct in their language. Women are subtle.

We can see this in many forms of personal interaction.

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

Women are sensitive to each others’ needs. Men are blunt.

Women pick up on details. “What was he wearing? How did he kiss you? Where were you at the time?” Men just want to cut to the chase. “What’s the point?”

Women are supportive of their friends. “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.”
Men cut their buddies down. “Dude, you gained, like twenty pounds!”

In fact, suffice to say, women are largely better and more sensitive communicators and men should really learn take a page out of women’s emotional playbooks.

Except for this one thing…

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

My linguistics professor used an example of how a typical man and a typical woman would respond to being stuck in a hot classroom.

The man would say, “It’s hot in here! Open the window!”

The woman would turn to her friend and say, “Do you think it’s hot in here?”

The man issues a command. The woman tries to build consensus, but she doesn’t come out directly and say what she really wants: open the goddamn window!

I’m not going to get into some debate about whether this is 100% accurate, because it’s not. Not all men are direct. Not all women are subtle and nuanced.

But the reason I’m sharing this, in reference to your situation, Diana, is that the most interesting thing about women’s linguistics patterns can be summed up in one line:

Men say what they mean. Women don’t.

Thus, women are often surprised when men say what they mean.

You asked your boyfriend a question.

He gave you an honest answer. You seem shocked that he would do so.

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

I’d be shocked if he told you otherwise. His answer would be the exact same answer I would give to my wife. The difference is that:

a) My wife would never ask me to compare her to Angelina Jolie. She’s not that insecure.
b) My wife would not be surprised at my response, which is that she’s no Angelina Jolie.
c) My wife would not take it personally that I told her the truth, because she knows she’s no Angelina Jolie.

So what’s really going on, Diana, is that you wanted your boyfriend to LIE to you.

You didn’t want the truth. You wanted praise.

Even if it meant that he lied right to your face.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

You basically set yourself up for failure on a couple of levels.

– You expected your boyfriend to be “infatuated” with you because other men have been. 

– You insulted your boyfriend’s looks because he didn’t lie and tell you were as attractive as one of the most attractive women on the planet.

– You actually feel that a man who is truly into you would think you are more beautiful than all of the Hollywood celebrities combined? Really?

How much self-delusion do you have to have to say such things?

I mean, let’s just take it to the extreme:

A man with average looks, average intelligence and an average job gets pissed at his girlfriend who doesn’t think he’s the love child of Brad Pitt and Steve Jobs.

Note: the girlfriend didn’t say he’s “average”. She just said he’s not perfect.

Should he be upset? I sure don’t think so.

Obviously, she loves him — that’s why she’s his girlfriend.

But if you compare ANY man to the most impressive person in his/her field, ALL them are going to compare unfavorably.

So, to answer your question:

Are you being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have you got a legitimate concern? Is your boyfriend recognizing that you may not be at the very top of his scale in terms of looks but are the best “package” he can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc? Is this a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal-breaker?

I would only say this…

You’re spot on in assessing your boyfriend’s maturity. Well done.

The real question is whether it’s a deal-breaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.

I’ve dated such women and personally, I would rather date a 7 who can accept reality than a 10 who expects me to lie to her.

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  1. 1

    It’s in a woman’s DNA to want to be seen as the most beautiful woman in her man’s eyes. Her wanting to be that woman doesn’t mean she has low self esteem; it means she’s a woman. Like it or not, so much of a woman’s value is based on her beauty. A man telling his woman she doesn’t compare to another is basically telling her she’s second rate and that if given the choice between her and Angelina, he’d choose Angelina. She doesn’t want to feel like a consolation prize because he couldn’t get anyone better. This is basic female psychology. I’m sorry your wife isn’t the most beautiful woman to you, Evan. It sucks even more that your wife is okay knowing she’s a 7 in your eyes. It’s like you knowing that your penis doesn’t quite do it for her but she’ll still have sex with you anyway because…well…you pay the bills and she couldn’t find a man who satisfies her better. How sad.

    1. 1.1

      You are so right Amanda.   I found this page because I was googling “I’m not insecure but why won’t my husband compliment me?”   He compliments our kids, co-workers, etc.   Just not me — very rarely, and if he does it seems like its begrudgingly, as though I have somehow assaulted his manhood.   He used to compliment me all the time — I would say it stopped around the time when we had kids.   (There is a part of me that thinks  — before we had kids he was worried he could lose me.   Once we had kids he knew I wasn’t going anywhere, so he didn’t have to work so hard.)      It’s as though he’s used up his supply on others.   I think there is a part of him that wants to be “real” with me, and I read somewhere that men feel like compliments are manipulative, which sounds like something he would say.   But  I have told him many times flat out that I need words — compliments, insights, to feel sexy.   He then gives me the list of all the things he does for me to show he loves me that I don’t appreciate.     I get it, but his list just makes me angry.   For me, hearing WHY he is with me, and WHAT it is that makes me special to him — that’s what gets me in the mood.   My sexuality is drying up, and yet I keep having sex with him to make our marriage strong, but it’s more and more resentful on my end.   I’m with you — women want to feel cherished.   We want to feel like our guy is thrilled to be with us.   Not like we’re just  the best combination of looks, smarts and personality — and a warm place to put it — the guy  was able to get.     

      1. 1.1.1

        Sometimes  a man will  stop loving a woman when she ruins his dreams by having kids too soon.

        1. zarayda

          How could you say the woman ruined his dreams with it was both him and her that laid together? And kids should not ruin your dreams they should strengthen them

        2. Jasonya Gregory

          It sounds like you will only love a woman if she waits on you and does everything you want without expecting any reciprocal action. You are the kind of man who will find yourself on a very lonely path in life and SO alone in your old age. Your woman however, if she is the one who had kids “too early” will find herself much more attractive once she leaves you and will end up in a fulfilling relationship with someone who doesn’t   mind that she had kids “too early”. It sounds like you need to do some serious growing up. You know, children often mirror their parent’s ways and if you act as SELFISH as you sound, they will pick up on that and one day when you need them, they won’t be around.  

        3. antred

          That has to be the stupidest thing I’ve heard in a long time. A guy that stops loving his girl because she’s pregnant never really loved her to begin with, you fool.
          I’d like to think that if you love a woman, she’ll become the most beautiful woman to you pretty much automatically. That’s what love does.

        4. Mindthepeace

          Wow….really….did you know most of the DNA making a human comes from the father and speaking of father’s coming; there are condoms, male birth control shots, and even reversing vasectomization….also, did you know it doesnt ruin but alters the women’s dream of being Beautiful without roadmaps on her tummy and without her breast falling when they have children….But GUESS WHAT?! Women don’t sit around and blame men because their dreams changed….hahaha….nope women instead create our own reality, love their own skin, and never ever regrets the choice to have a child because WOMEN KNOW ITS A CHOICE!!! YOU MAKE YOUR OWN WORLD….it’s all a matter of perception;)

        5. Karen

          That’s not a man, that’s a mutt. Big difference, Frank.

        6. Marissa

          Then he ruined his dreams too. He laid down with her and made the baby. She didn’t do it alone.

        7. Alessa Deangelo

          I totally agree with you. Although it does take 2 to tango. When couples have kids, Women seem to neglect their significant other because the kids become her #1 priority. I’ve seen this with my friends & family SO many times! Women don’t understand that Men feel neglected after their kids are born because they now have to share their wife/girlfriend. This causes resentment & can also cause the man to stray just to get attention again. It’s sad, but true. Women seem to think that Men need to put all their needs aside because they are now Fathers, but Men do NOT have a maternal instinct & most Women just don’t get that. I know a lot of Women on here won’t believe me & get angry with me. But I am a family & marriage counselor & this is one of the BIGGEST complaints I get from Men ALL the time. Please don’t neglect your significant other after your children are born, he is your life partner & shouldn’t be put on the back burner.

      2. 1.1.2

        Are you good friends with one of his friends.   By that, I mean do you believe one of his friends truly cars about you as a person, and wants to see you and him work it out?   It should be somebody he trusts very much.   Best friend, brother, mother, father.   In fact, his mother, or a sister, cousin or aunt (female) that he is close to would be perfect.

        The first test is for you.   The second one is for him.   You must give the friend/relative the explicit instructions to help him take this test, and to tell him that he must answer like this.   In each question you have two choices.   He must read both and choose one.   When he does, he must imagine that the one he chooses he will get for life, but the one he does not, he will never get again.   This helps make sure he is picking the one that really is his choice.
        Make sure that the friend fills out the first part to make sure the results go to their email, not your husbands.   This way you will be able to find out what they are.   It may be very possible that he has needs that are not being met, and at the same time, it is possible that he is trying to be loving to you but you don’t see the love.
        This is what happened to me and my ex.   My primary love language is “physical touch.”   That was last for her.   “Gifts” is her primary love language but is dead last for me.   I could not understand why she put so much importance on material things and she was never willing or able to be physically affectionate with me to the level I needed.
        Now our case was extreme, but I think others can learn something even if it is not such an extreme disparity.   For instance, Words of Affirmation may not be his primary love language but it sounds like it might be yours.   his might be Quality Time, which basically means undivided attention.   With kids now here, he may not be feeling a connection to you because you are always distracted with the kids, and never seem to give him your undivided attention.   Just one possibility.   Acts of Service may be another, and you may now be putting all of your efforts toward the kids.
        Another possibility is that he is struggling with seeing you as a sexual person.   I have heard that some men when they are sexual are somewhat demeaning toward the woman, even if only in his mind.   Like he sees the woman as, I don’t know…dirty…when he has sex with her.   Once she has kids for him, he has a hard time seeing her that way, which he needs to be sexual.   It creates some sort of weird conflict.   Like he suddenly sees his wife as this precious thing that bore him children and so it’s as if she is to good to have sex with.   I always thought that sounded weird, but who knows.   Maybe there is something to it.
        The last thing i can tell you is that you may need to get his mom involved or his dad.   Somebody he will listen to.   Somebody who simply acts as a facilitator and keeps you both honest, and also reels you both back in if you start to disconnect from the process or start to say mean and cruel things,   they call you on it and make you stop.   My mother did this for my older sister and her husband.   Made both of them see where they were making mistakes, and made them realize that they did in fact still love each other.
        She did tell me later in great detail what happened and what was said.   I can also tell you that my sister was a bit of a tomboy and has a somewhat tough personality.   Probably not helped a lot by being a cop in the Army and civilian life.   But what allowed them to finally reconnect…what allowed him to reach out was her letting down her guard, being feminine and also allowing herself to be vulnerable.
        And thinking about that just helped me realize something.   Maybe when men aren’t so good with their emotions, and fear being hurt by a woman emotionally, it allows him to connect on an emotional level when the woman lowers her guard and allows herself to be vulnerable.   I often see in movies and real life where when a woman is in conflict with a man, she becomes vicious.   It always seems counter intuitive because a man reacts to aggression by being aggressive.   He reacts to vulnerability with a softer part of himself that he normally keeps hidden away.
        I have been noticing how I feel when I read messages by both men and women, and I think we are both built that way.   When a man writes something that is attacking, or even if it is not but is perceived as attacking, women will react angrily.   And vice versa.   If a man perceives a woman attacking men, whether she is or not, the man, me included we reply with a more cutting post.
        Well, to get somewhere good, somebody has to be the one to be the soft spoken peace maker.   Only question is, who will do it?

        1. Alessa Deangelo

          This! VERY true! Men have also told me that after their significant other had children, the drastic change of her body basically left them traumatized & they don’t feel the same about sex with her anymore. I’ve also had Men say that they see their significant other as even more sexy than before they had kids. So it all depends on the man. Just because your husband/boyfriend is not physically attracted to you anymore, does NOT mean he doesn’t love you! And yes, many Women do tend to neglect their Man’s needs after they have kids which is terrible. Children DEFINITELY test relationships & put much stress on them. It is BOTH the Man’s AND the Woman’s responsibility to put more effort into that relationship….or see it slowly fade away.

      3. 1.1.3

        Read the 5 languages of love. Maybe that is how he shows his love is through services provided.   There are many different ways of showing love. Buying lots of gifts, services provided, touchy feely, quality time. Or maybe he is an idiot and I’m wrong but either way good book.

        1. Amelia

          I would like to point out that a significant part of the point of learning about love languages is so that one can behave in a way that helps their partner feel loved, not simply to get people to accept whatever their partner is willing to throw their way with the consolation that “This is just how they are.” True love requires compromise and sometimes sacrifice; so yes, it may be more comfortable for X person to express their love differently than how their partner needs it, but that doesn’t entitle them to deprive their partner of what s/he needs. Both partners need to learn to (at least occasionally) express their love in the way the other will best receive it AND to recognize the loving things their partner does naturally.

      4. 1.1.4


        1. Anna

          I meant “exactly” @ Amanda

      5. 1.1.5

        You are spot on Amanda.    Prior to meeting my fiancee I was very popular. I got asked out a lot and turned heads everywhere I went, I still get a good bit of attention even though I am in my late 30s now.   I did not ask my fiancee anything, I know I am not Angelina Jolie and would never ask to be compared to that.   However, the other day he said “I would never want to date a really attractive woman because she garners too much attention.”       That really   hurt me.         So what am I?      I did not ask because at that point I honestly did not want to hear the answer.      He also makes comments about how he hopes that I do not get stretch marks when I have a child.   My response was that I probably will and   he just needs to deal with it because I am giving him a baby.   I think Evan the truth is men are a lot more focused on looks then women are.    Bottom line.       If my boyfriend said this to me, I would   have serious doubts about whether or not he was attracted to me. And as a woman who has had men that are very attracted to her like this writer,why would you settle for something less?         It is not like when you are dating a man with small penis who wants you to lie to him about his size.   I can assure you that every woman thought he had a small penis.   However, in this writers case and mine not every man has told us that we are average or below average looking.   Women want to be with a man that thinks she is the most beautiful woman ever and makes her feel that way.          If he does not think that now, what will he think later?

        1. maggie

          It sounds like he is insecure and is not wanting you to know how attractive you are because he could lose you. Might be why he said that about not dating a really attractive woman. That is just not right to say to your love. He might have an issue with security. He needs to work through it because this is hurtful to you. I am sure you are a very attractive woman.

      6. 1.1.6

        I’m currently getting divorced because of this very thing… he could name off stuff he did for me but was never complimenting me… Its not because he ‘didn’t know how’ because he’d compliment my daughter (who is beautiful) and the rest of the world but never me 🙁

      7. 1.1.7

        I like your answer. I am a grandma now and still feel like this. “I’m here aren’t I?” And “Why do you think I do these things for you if I don’t love you?” It’s sensible and commonsense but our female hearts need a few romantic words every now and then. My dad was great like this. He was often saying to us when we were young and living at home. “Isn’t your mother wonderful? Aren’t I a lucky man that she loves me?”etc right in front of mum and she’d chuckle and say, “The children don’t want to hear it dear.” But I think it did us all the world of good. They both died in their late 80’s less than a year apart. This repartee just doesn’t happen in my relationship. It’s all “Handsome is as handsome does’ which is true but a few ‘Sweet nothings’ wouldn’t go astray! I understand! And no flowers either!

    2. 1.2

      I like that well said!!!

    3. 1.3

      I’m highly offended, Amanda, when you said that “a woman’s value is based on her beauty.” Please don’t objectify women, we have much more to offer to offer than being a pretty vase.

      1. 1.3.1


        She’s not objectifying women, this is truly how men see women. They don’t really go out with you because your smart or because of your personality. Sometimes some guys will take what they can get regardless of how unattractive they find you. If they know you will sleep with them they will go out with you regardless of what they think of you. Men are stupid like that. They will do anything to put it somewhere warm.
        Men really truly only care about what she looks like, if someone better looking comes along they choose the better looking one, you end up with a man who finds you unattractive he does eventually cheat on you.
        Common-sense, men aren’t very thoughtful. Their more visual than thoughtful.  

        1. Dana

          *SOME* men.

          Thank god not all men are like you..  

        2. Mark

          Oh, right, because women obviously don’t judge a man by his looks. And men obviously want nothing more than a walking blowup doll. You’re a giant hypocrite, Missy.

        3. Frank

          No, it is part of the deal. Looks need to be good enough to show that you care for yourself, like yourself.

          But if your brain is that of an absolute airhead, there really isn’t anything in the looks department that is going to make you really attractive for a great man. Most mature men are not looking for trophies anymore.

          But sure, if your view on men is that they will always deal with you just because you share the bed with them, you are probably attracting exactly what you think about. You are part of that relationship, Missy and yes, if you have nothing else to give than beauty, it will be bad if it fades away.

          Beauty is a depreciating asset. Companionship, intimacy and love are not.

        4. John D.


          We will SLEEP with a woman for her looks. Even date her a few times, or go out for a drink once or twice.

          If you seriously think we’re going to want a real relationship with you, marry you, and build a life with you based on your looks – you are seriously deluding yourself.

          I promise.

        5. Alessa Deangelo

          @Missy, Men are not “stupid” because they’re visual creatures! Being visual is in their DNA, just like being Maternal is in ours. They can’t help it. And I don’t agree with your comment about Men cheating with someone else just because she’s better looking. Men have various reasons on why they cheat, as do Women. This is why sometimes you find that the person they cheated with isn’t even attractive. Usually the reasoning for the cheating is simply because they feel neglected in their relationship & the other Woman flattered him with attention. Women cheat for this reason as well.

    4. 1.4

      Wow, some ladys’ posts on this topic are kinda unbelievable, including yours Amanda’s (but I only read a few). Firstly pls don’t speak for all women. I don’t have the desire to be the most beautiful woman in my guy’s eyes. Sure when I was a teenager maybe, but I don’t think u’re a teenager anymore. At 15, I’d watch Smallville with my crush, and know that pretty as I was, I was no Kristin Kreuk and i was sad he would find her more beautiful cos she looked so perfect. But many women mature and realise that’s ridiculous.
      The woman in this story sounds so insecure and immature. And I’m genuinely shocked that there are women are agreeing with her, or even being catty enough to put down celebrities’–like Angelina’s–beauty (yes I know u hate feeling pressured to look like Angelina, but blame the media or yourself, don’t get mean/jealous towards the beautiful woman) . Like I know women sometimes have more rosetinted lenses towards the men we like. I was on a date with a great guy recently and when he was mentioning Johnny Depp, I honestly told him I didn’t find him super-hot, and inwardly I was thinking I found him more attractive and hotter, but didn’t say it. I’m very sure objectively-speaking he’s not, but in my eyes he really was, but women shouldn’t require that from guys. If u have a great guy and he loves u and u love him, what more do u want? Getting upset over such minor things is really silly.
      Um and I’m stunned u insulted Evan and his wife, just cos his wife isn’t as insecure and catty towards females as u.

      1. 1.4.1

        Um, I disagree. First of all beauty is subjective. You mention Angelina Jolie as if everyone on the planet finds her beautiful.   Not everyone wants to look like her. I think its stupid that you say its fine for a woman to think her man is better looking than all these famous male celebs but then its ridiculous for a woman to expect the same from her man. When you should know that if a man REALLY loves his women and he is CRAZY about her, willing to spend the rest of his life with her, than he will truly find her equally as or even more attractive. He would never do anything to put her down or hurt her self esteem.
        I remember looking at a video on youtube of Timothy Delaghetto and his girlfriend on their vlog channel. They were on vacation at the beach and he happened to mention how hot Scarlett Johansson was in the Marvel films, and she mentioned something like “so she’s hot..” and he’s like “but not hotter than you”. THAT is what a guy who truly cares about you should say, not something like “yeah I think she’s hotter than you”. Like wtf?
        I totally agree with Amanda that your girlfriend doesn’t want to feel like a ‘consolation prize’ because he couldn’t get a perfect 100 on a scale of 1-10. It seems like you yourself have low self esteem tamara, to stay with a guy who would probably turn his eye to stare at women who he deems as better looking than you. Or who would cheat with women who he thinks are better looking than you. Those types who like perfection and can’t give their wife equal amount of credit are most likely shallow AND immature, and would leave if she got disfigured with scars or lost a body part. I bet those guys flirt around with lots of women and don’t care whether or not their wife/girlfriend doesn’t like it. I’m not saying a guy can’t think other women are attractive, that’s human nature, but I think its comical that you wouldn’t feel your girlfriend (who you are serious about) or your freakin wife was just as good looking if not better. AFTERALL, THAT IS WHY YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER, OR MARRIED. If you think you can do better then why the eff are you with her? When you fall in love with someone, you truly think they are a 10 both physically and in personality.
        I don’t think any husband or boyfriend would want his wife/girlfriend to say she found Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson more attractive than him. Its that absurd double standard you and the author preach, that a man can do it to a woman but a woman can’t do it to a man. Really stupid.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          No double standards. It’s ridiculous for anyone to think (or, in this case) demand that her partner think she is the greatest at anything. Only the most insecure person can’t understand that even if other people are more objectively attractive, the fact that you’re in a relationship renders it irrelevant. Who cares if my wife thinks the Rock is hot? It doesn’t impact me one iota – and I certainly wouldn’t start a fight about it. You seem to misunderstand what relationships are about – they’re not about who is hottest, nor are they about pumping up partners with objectively false praise. So, as I’ve said many times throughout this thread, good luck finding the man who thinks you’re the hottest woman in the world. I hope that keeps you warm at night when you’re 70.

        2. tamara

          Hi Medusa~
          Ok so many comments saying Angelina isn’t the most beautiful celeb; that is so not the point. Substitute Doutzen Kroes, or Ziyi Zhang, or Marion Cotillard then, or whoever u think is drop-dead gorgeous.
          Also, I only said in my situation I had considered the guy I liked hotter than Johnney Depp, I never said all women should consider the men they like/love to be the hottest, and nor is it fair to expect all men to think their partner is the most beautiful.
          And I’m far more confident than most women about my looks. A few wks ago a male acquaintance mentioned he thought I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever met. It’s not a compliment I hear v often, but I have heard it from guys quite a few times from various guys. But while nice to hear, I’m so glad to say that in my mid-20s it’s something I no longer need to hear to be happy. That’s so liberating! I’ve been fortunate enough to have been constantly praised for my looks for almost 15 years, and it’s helped me develop a nonchalance towards beauty. Which is useful, because beauty obviously fades, and basing your happiness on others thinking u’re beautiful is building your castle on quicksand.
          When I read ur comment and similar comments, I honestly feel abit of pity. But I recognise I felt like that as a teen too, actually even worse; I wanted to be the most beautiful in the eyes of Everybody. U may think it sounds ridiculous, but similarly I think the way u feel now is also silly. I think we’re talking about slightly different things too–u mention this ‘subjective’ beauty, the kind in the eye of the beholder, whereas I feel that’s just too confusing and hard to measure, so I focused on the objective classical standards of beauty. So using those standards, it’s just crazy to expect to forever be the most beautiful in my loved one’s eyes. Just like a man’s senses would light up when he sees a beautiful sculpture, how can u expect him to not think an Elizabeth Taylor-lookalike is very beautiful objectively?
          I know u and many women find it hurtful to think your partner would find someone more beautiful. But like Evan says, we humans just have a knack for valuing things which actually aren’t that important, no wonder so many are unhappy. The man I mentioned, when we’re on dates I noticed that he never checked out other attractive women even if they walked by in revealing clothing.( I actually wouldn’t have minded if he did so subtly, but he didn’t) And I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t see that they’re attractive, or that he thinks i’m the most beautiful woman in the world, it’s because he’d fallen for me, valued my feelings, and wanted to earn my affections too . These are the things I feel are important. 🙂
          (sorry for the long reply, just hoping I can write a last comprehensive comment on this topic and move on)

        3. tamara

          Btw one last point, from what I’ve seen, a man who wants to cheat doesn’t need to meet a more beautiful woman than his wife. For some such guys, any willing woman will do. But if he’s a guy with good character, and he has a wife who he finds lovely outside And inside who he would hate to lose, then he won’t cheat. I don’t think a woman’s beauty has much to do with a man’s fidelity.

        4. Beauty

          In my opinion my wife is the most beautiful and sexiest in my eyes. She doesn’t need Photoshop, special effects make-up, plastic surgeries to look hot. I have seen in person how they take an average looking girl and transform her with make-up and all sorts of artificial stuff and made her look into a victorias secret model. lol. so, no celebrities are not the hottest thing in the world. If you people where to see them without make-up of a gang of make-up artist you will all see that most of them are average in looks.

        5. starthrower68

          I think it’s useful also, to remember that celebs have stylists, make up artists, trainers, and their photos can be touched up to make them look perfect. The average person does not have all of that. Certainly we can do things to enhance our appearance, but beauty standards simply aren’t realistic.

      2. 1.4.2

        It might if he married her when she was very good looking, and then she just gave up and looks nothing like what she looked like before, meanwhile he is getting hit on by decent looking women.   He might, but you are right, good character will prevent good guys from cheating.
        A more likely scenario is that she doesn’t treat him very well, and or maybe she has little to no interest in sex.   Both are in her power to fix.
        Also, she may now have children and now has little romantic interest in him.   She only cares for her kids.   This make him vulnerable to a woman that comes along and makes him feel wanted.

        1. tamara

          @RustyLH: Yes I think u’re quite right on this. I feel that both men and women have a duty to try to be similar in looks and behaviour after they get married, compared to how they looked and behaved before marriage. I know 100% the same is next to impossible, but maybe 80%. It really annoys me when I hear of someone complaining that their spouse gained 60 pounds after marriage and makes little effort to lose the weight, or suddenly stopped wanting to have sex. or other huge changes like that. I think it’s so wrong, it’s like tricking someone to get married, and both men and women can do this.
          When kids come along, i know it’s tricky, u always hear about how utterly exhausting having a baby can be, esp at the start. But at least pple should make reasonable efforts. =)
          When I wrote my earlier comment about certain men not needing a more beautiful woman than his wife if he wanted to cheat, I was referring more to a wife who is still slim and pretty, quite similar to how she always was. Some women commenting here are insecure about another woman being seen as more beautiful by their husband/bf, and I think it’s partly due to a fear that the man might be tempted to cheat with a woman he thinks is hotter than his wife/gf. I just clarified that I don’t think it’s all that impt in a man’s decision to cheat. I could be wrong though.

        2. Laura


          I don’t think that’s fair at all. People gain weight, loose interest in sex, and pay more attention to their kids sometimes because life changes. One day, your spouse will lose a parent. Maybe they’ll gain 60 pounds because it is challenging for them to cope or they become depressed. They might even lose weight because of it. A lot of women have trouble losing weight after a pregnancy. Dad’s get beer bellies. Etc… It’s UNREALISTIC to expect your spouse not to change. Sometimes people go through tough shit, and they are more focused on surviving/coping than living up to their spouse’s standards. Sometimes taking care of those you love and overcoming challenges is MORE important than managing your looks. And I get it – you marry one person but they change. But that’s life. Expecting someone to not change with the challenges and experiences they go through is ridiculous. The most important thing is for your spouse to love themselves so they they have a desire to bounce back and take care of themselves, and even beyond that, it’s important to support your spouse to do so – NOT resent them for being human.

      3. 1.4.3

        My thing with all of this is that celebrities, social media pics etc, are a mind “blank” visually they are meant to appeal to the senses they are not only filtered, and edited in photos..faces bodies and hair made up perfectly,some with some work done etc…in real life it’s likely they aren’t as perfect as they seem.   Unfortunately Sometimes    men and women forget this (which is the point of entertainment)and begin to idealize something that isn’t as real as it seems at the moment they are viewing it but most of us know when it comes down to it we are all people with flaws inside and out and I’d bet the person who’d pay a million dollars to whoever with some ideal would end up somewhat disillusioned at the reality…so, I’ve realized better to be confident in yourself and your relationship even tease them about their crush a little if you must say something lol and they will love you and respect you even more.   It’s more attractive on a deeper level than any fantasy could be.

      4. 1.4.4

        Beauty is in the eye of the one looking and I don’t find Jolie’s beauty that intriguing. I see many other women who I do find very attractive.

        To label one woman as the epitome of beauty is rather silly. And the problem lies there.

        I don’t want to be with a man who isn’t sensitive enough to find other ways to talk about things like this except to put me down. That is just not loving and borders on contempt.

      5. 1.4.5
        Adam Smith


        Your post just reminded me, I remember watching Smallville at the same age and thinking Lana was the the most beautiful person I’d ever seen in my life. Like, she didn’t even look real. I’d have given my right hand to kiss her cheek or something:):)   Fast forward 15 years and she’s just recently been involved in an extremely disturbing news story. Even if she isnt technically guilty of anything, she was involved with some very sketchy people. She seems like an emotional and psychological mess. Still a pretty woman for sure, but shes also lost that ethereal beauty thing she had when she was younger. Beauty in general doesnt bowl me over as much now, I’m in my 30’s of course. But it was a good if slughtly cliched sort of pop cultural lesson made specially for me: looks fade, they mislead us etc etc

    5. 1.5

      Right on, amen, and hallelujah, Sister! I couldn’t have said it better.

      Every woman deserves the experience of being the  love of her life’s dream girl. Anything less is to settle for the proverbial life of quiet desperation.  

      1. 1.5.1

        My original comment was in support of Amanda’s point, my apologies for not making that clear…but, while I’m here…

        Have any of you ever seen AJ in person? It’s an entirely different experience than seeing her projected larger than life onto a screen and I daresay that many would not find her nearly as attractive…indeed I have had a boyfriend who said, ” AJ has nothing on you.” after an in person sighting.

    6. 1.6

      Sooooooo true very very well.said!!!

    7. 1.7

      Agree! Nicely phrased. Ugh, I posted a great, long comment but it probably got lost somewhere … but basically I wanna say again- me and my BF have no problem telling each other we are the best, hottest, sexiest etc. It’s just a decent, healthy way to express love and answer your partner’s perfectly fine reach for affirmation… Tbh, if my BF ever spoke to me the way this poster’s did, I’d be long gone! I’d never take some implied 2nd place in my partner’s eyes ha.

      I thought Evan’s answers were legit until I read the one for this…

      Evan, I’d like you to answer this question- if a BF asks his GF if he’s the biggest and best sex she’s ever had and he ‘logically’ wasn’t- should the GF just be honest and tell him so- or should she set that cold logic aside and tell him he’s amazing and the best in bed and she’s freaking lucky to have him?

      Should people even consider measuring up their partner to anyone else- even if asked by a seemingly insecure partner? Never!

      It really shouldn’t be so hard to give someone you love a real, non-comparing compliment. This poster’s BF doesn’t deserve a GF.

      1. 1.7.1

        EXACTLY THIS, Sarah.  
        I’m gay and I recently started a serious relationship with someone. It’s very clear that I have a female mind while he has a male mind – what doesn’t means I’m feminine; actually, I’m more manly than he is. The problem is that I really take offense when I hear him seeing guys in the street and saying how handsome they are and worst, compare them to me. Last night he saw a guy who was, indeed, very hot, and he said: “look at that guy. He’s exactly what my type is. Not that you’re ugly but you aren’t really the type of person I find attractive.” Ouch. I was like “then what the fuck are you doing with me?”. And he said: “that’s the interesting part, I like you a lot even though you aren’t really my type”. I guess I was supposed to take this as a compliment, but hell no, I can’t do that. I can bear with him saying that that random guy is cute/handsome, but comparing me to them and saying they’re far more attractive really hurt me. I don’t expect to be the best looking guy in the planet, and I know I’m not, but I know I’m attractive and I like myself. Actually, I think I’m way hotter than he is and he’s said that many times, has also said that people are staring/flirting with me all the time and he gets a bit jealous – I notice that, too. The best thing about all of this shit is that sex with him isn’t really all that great. He’s not secure, his d*** is small, but I’m okay with that, because I like him the way he is. He’s really insecure in bed and for that reason, as a boyfriend, I’m supposed to make him feel more secure, instead of saying things like “you’re one of the worst sex I’ve ever had” or “I’ve had so much better and I could have much better than you”. That hurts.  

        So basically, what I wanted to say, is that if you want to insult a woman, talk about her appearance. If you want to insult a man, then talk about how bad he is in bed. If you are in a relationship, the best is to avoid these type of comments and accept, love and RESPECT the one you’re with.   

    8. 1.8

      Well said!!   Men don’t understand what it’s like to be a woman in today’s society of photoshopping and porn and God knows what else.   I honestly wish I was attracted to women sometimes….I am a very attractive female that is so sick of being oogled by every man except my husband.   He talks about other women like they are goddesses…but lets someone who only has eyes for him sit here like a bump and expects me to feel satisfied as a woman.   Get a clue guys!!   I swear…we should all dump you pervs!!

      1. 1.8.1

        No one’s stopping you from leaving. But that would mean one less thing to whine about, huh? And women like you are lost if they can’t whine, and in particular damn the men *they choose* to be with

      2. 1.8.2

        This is a great example of the fact that a lot of people want what they don’t have yet.   It’s funny to me that some don’t learn at some point that nobody no matter how eye catching in a moment, is going to be as perfect as that moment seemed and the people who can’t look past that initial moment and simply chalk it up to appreciation of beauty and nothing more, are not ppl that truly value the big picture of love and a relationship.   Like hey he’s hot but no I wouldn’t give up my love who I’m attracted to like a bee to pollen and who is my best friend for even a second with some good looking dude I don’t even know!   Perhaps the people who are always on the lookout or fantasizing are not truly fulfilled…?

    9. 1.9
      Erika Garcia


    10. 1.10

      Basic female psychology? Don’t mean to hurt noboy but sounds more like basic insecurity psychology. Even if it’s something present in a woman’s DNA, genetic encoding is definitly not “destiny”. Culture and idiographic variables like personality, values or personal history have a significant expression in behavior. In fact, genes are activated in an interactive way with context, meaning that there will be women who care about being perceived as the most beautiful woman in her man’s eyes and other who won’t care as much, it all depends on the culture and environment that woman developed. I value honesty in a relationship. If my girlfriend takes half an hour to get ready for some social gathering and then asks me if i’m preety, i tell her the truth, even if she’s looking like a stray cat in a dress. And she takes it. I At worse she nags a bit but that’s all. I take it when it’s the other way arround. We both value honesty. Being blunt honest is the best way to keep people who’s not compatible with you away. It’s a win-win strategy. Better than acting a certain way to impress people and then getting rejected when people find the truth about you or you find the truth about other people.
        And just because someone is hotter than you, does it mean that i’d cheat if given the opportunity? Ofcourse not. Damn, i feel physically attracted to hundreds of women passing by me on the street, everyday. I’m preety sure my girfriend feels attracted to many other men. Does that mean we are going to cheat on eachother given the opportunity? Hell no! Why? because it’s a shitty thing to do and we are people of principles. Attraction is not enough. Just because i’m attracted to someone doesn’t mean that i’ll actually cheat. Yeah, your man would probably feel tempted to cheat if he was with Angelina, but if he’s a man of principle, he wouldn’t do it. No matter how hard. Again, genes are not the destiny.

      1. 1.10.1

        yeah, off course, but that’s the thing, if I was with a hot guy, I wouldn’t be tempted to cheat in the first place. I have this super loyal thing in my head that I’m not interested in any other guy than my boyfriend..   I don’t know, I always had this. I quite place him on the top and find him super attractive, and am quite unattracted to what’s being seen as ‘super hot guys’. It doesn’t interest me one fuck! Unfortunately I know, I can’t expect that from a guy. But sometimes, it can hurt, that he doesn’t have that unquestionable admiration for me as I have for him. I don’t care if he thinks, god that actress is gorgeous, even I say that a lot to him, ‘look at her, she’s soo gorgeous, but sometimes hearing from your guy “you’re so beautiful and perfect to me’ would be nice, as I’d say that every single f*ing time to him. Men and women do differ that’s for sure, but the difference tends to hurt one kind more than another. sadly.. but it yeah, it challenges us, and wise women are women who accepted this and are above it. I’m still struggling sometimes, but getting there that’s for sure.

    11. 1.11

      Oooooooookkk. This is obviously a man with some issues of his own, controlling, possibly? Anyway, I’ve always been told that I’m beautiful, I turn heads, ect… my ex husband and now 1 yr boyfriend both made me feel like a queen in that aspect,   infact, today I was saying how stunning Alissa milano was and he cuts in saying how she doesn’t hold a candle to me….   I know he’s telling the truth bc HE’S IN LOVE WITH ME! So ur gut needs to get over this jealous power trip of his bc it’s obviously bringing ya down sweetheart. Good luck!  

    12. 1.12

      I agree  

    13. 1.13

      @Amanda Really!? Catty much? Everyone male or female wants to be the best or most attractive person. I agree with the writer the asker acted very insecure and immature. Of course she is not going to be the most attractive women in the world and the fact that she basically implies that because she is not the most beautiful person in the world to her boyfriend that he doesn’t love her. Also her reaction was way out of line! She acted like a 13 year old brat!

      Also your remark degrades women and is in line with the media’s view of women that “So much of a women’s value is based on her beauty” I don’t know about you but I have a shit ton more value then just my beauty. Also insecure much?

    14. 1.14
      skye blackmore

      What an amazing comment!

    15. 1.15

      I agree with you Amanda. I also think it’s a pity that one is not supposed disagree with the host. Seriously? The initial response was a bit snarky and rude to me but maybe that’s just bluntness. I would never pay for this abuse…I meant blunt honesty if seeking advice. And, I don’t think people thinking a couple is happy means a hill of beans; it’s called a facade.

      1. 1.15.1

        i remember a whie back having lunvh with my ex husbands friends ..he was a DJ at a popular night club and a radio dj she was a frumpy stay at home mom..i mde this assumption on first hand basis..she was frumpy but creative and strong and a mountain in character as a woman i always remember how i first met them he had taken her out on a romantic date at my mans restaarant and i served them..i loved them as a couple so much so they became good friends…but in seeing them in their home and their personal space..he cherished her and i think i got an inkling of affection in my 8 years from my ex husband compared to what i saw this sexy man show this less attractive woman in anfternoon..She stood her ground and was everybit of a wife girlfriend mother than i could ever be.we where happily in HER territory and she OWNED it..Being attractive not only comes from physical features but from accepting who you are..you maybe seen as a 3 in most mens eyes but after getting to know you..they can see you as a 13..beauty is skein deep and in the eye of the beholder..trust me I know.


        1. mareesa

          however i agree with Amanda men need certain things to feel loved Women need to feel like you all they desire..thats it

    16. 1.16

      Absolutely right, Amanda! Reading Evan’s answer made me feel sorry for his wife. Imagine your mother giving you everything she can – like mine did – roof over your head, food, paying your university taxes, giving you emotional support through you whole life… you get what I mean. And after all that you say to her (and on the internet – so the whole world can see) that yeah, well, she is a really good mother, but she is not so rich, successful or pretty like a celebrity mother, for example. So yeah, I love my mother, but if I could choose, I wouldn’t have chosen her, because she isn’t the best mother… you get my point. When I date a man, it means I have chosen him from the many. It means I never ever even look at other man, because I have focused only on him. It means I see him as the most handsome man in the world and will never compare him to anyone. I’m not delusional, I really do this and really think it. Maybe it’s not right to not see the other options or to not want to consider other man, maybe you’ll think I’m crazy, but that’s just the way I am. My man is the only one and the best one for me. So I want the same from him. I will not settle for less and will definitely never ever want to do anything with a man, who doesn’t think I am the most beautiful, the most intelligent, the best. If I even sense he doesn’t, than he can go literally fuck himself – there a plenty of men waiting for me just to give them a sign (and yes, they do worship me) 🙂

      1. 1.16.1

        “…there’s a plenty of men waiting for me to just give them a sign (and yes, they do worship me)”


        If a guy said the equivalent of that you’d call him “arrogant”. Wonder what that makes you?

        I love women; I’ve loved many in my lifetime. I have never “worshipped” any of them, nor do I wish a woman to worship me. You are not a goddess, and I am not a god. We are fellow travelers on the long uncertain road of life. Pedestals are for statues, not people.

    17. 1.17

      Omg, I absolutely love your comment! So true!

    18. 1.18

      You are spot on with this answer.   Women need to feel beautiful, just like men need to feel like they are sexually satisfying their woman.   The partner everyone wants will strive to boost the other’s self-esteem.   Men aren’t after pure honesty in the bedroom just like women aren’t after pure honesty when it comes to their SO’s opinion of their attractiveness.   Each situation must be handled with absolute care and affection because once either the man or the woman is too honest about either of these issues, irreparable damage is done.

    19. 1.19

      Amanda ..you are in my head..i feel exactly what you describing ..cos i feel justified.. My man thinks i feel insecure after meeting me and seeing me as a ten or “perfect ” in his words now after living together for 2 years has a wondering eye but never notices or compliments me at all..i feel like my efforts to be HIS gorgeous girl is sooo overlooked thanks cos thats exactly how i feel


    20. 1.20

      I agree with you! His response really pissed me off! It’s not about insecurity or immaturity. It’s about a woman’s need to feel special and not in the same category as other women. When you’re in a relationship with someone, OF COURSE you want that person to think you are wonderful, beautiful, and more than anything he could have ever imagined! I don’t care if men are blunt. We already know they are. But most men do and should try to have enough common sense to not say things that are insensitive. Keep the “hot girl” talk in the locker room. YES we know you find other women attractive. We find other men attractive. But we are not likely to mention it to you because we want you to know that you are the light of our life. And is it such a crime to expect the same tact that we give you? God, what an asshole. This guy needs to learn about how WOMEN communicate.

      1. 1.20.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Really look forward to you listening to my new podcast next week, which tackles this very topic with the first episode. I trust you will get even more upset at me. Maybe even call me some bad names on my own website. Can’t wait!

      2. 1.20.2

        The key word is tact. Yes the he could have been a little more tactful but why would he lie or exaggerate just to feed her delusion or to get brownie points. He should be able to tell her how he really feels and what he values in her.   You can still be tactful and not lie.

        Anyone who would consider it a deal breaker that her bf doesn’t think she is the hottest woman ever is either insecure or narcissistic.   Basically what she is saying is my looks are my most important asset and if you dont value my looks than you don’t value me.

        She’s clearly used to getting validation from other people. If she were truly secure she wouldn’t need validation from anyone except herself.  She expected her bf to stroke her ego and when he didn’t her emotional world started to fall apart. I completely agree with Evan.

    21. 1.21


      This is so true. I would rather go through life alone than be with a man who feels this way about me.

      Plus these comparisons are very destructive andunfair to both Jolie and the wife.

    22. 1.22

      i love your answer Adriana and your so right, Evan,… Not so much

    23. 1.23

      Love your comment Amanda.   The guy who replied to that post seems like a total arshole.   Let’s wish him good luck in his “resonable” relationship.

    24. 1.24

      Omg yes! You are amazing lol. All I could hear from his words was “I’m a pig, I’m a pig, im a pig”. All I could think was his poor wife. She is   your wife and if she could marry such an arrogant selfish man as him, you should  be worshipping her! So lucky you got a 7 when you are barely hitting a 4 yourself. You realise without makeup and all the other editing I doubt Angelina Jolie would be a 10.

    25. 1.25

      This is the best response I have ever seen. You compare it perfectly! Way to go for… First of all, summing up how women really are, and second of all, putting a comparison out there that women can find amusing and a man can truly get. You rock!

    26. 1.27

      Amanda, what a great response! Exactly.

    27. 1.28
      Evan Marc Katz

      Show me that study about the DNA and I’ll believe you.

      In the meantime, my wife reads all my stuff and still says she’s extremely happy. Hmm. Is it possible that I make her feel beautiful, sexy, safe and secure even though I believe there are “hotter” women in the planet? Maybe there is more to marriage than this made-up “hotness” DNA of which you speak.

      1. 1.28.1
        Danielle Foggia

        Evan, I do love reading your blogs and I’ve learned a lot from you that’s helped me. I also think that your wife is a very secure person (maybe this has to do with her childhood and how she was raised?) and she doesn’t seem to be a “romantic,” or have any tendencies towards jealousy or needing much reassurance from you. You lucked out! I know there are women like this, but I’m not sure how common they are. I am the opposite of your wife, and I could not become like your wife if I wanted to. It’s not really a choice–to have what psychologist call “secure attachment”   in a relationship. I have what’s called an “anxious attachment style” probably due to childhood trauma and other experiences that were mostly out of my control. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with NOT needing to be the most beautiful women in the world to your man, but there’s also nothing wrong with needing this sentiment from your man. I think the key is choosing a partner that understands you and is willing to meet your needs for verbal reassurance and someone that has the same relationship paradigm as you (in this case and in my opinion, the woman in the letter would be better suited for a man that had a more romantic and idealistic notion of relationships). If a woman is wired to be insecure, which I am, she would be best off choosing a very sensitive   partner that is willing to go above and beyond to help her feel safe in the relationship. Also, it helps that I am not interested in dating “alpha males,” so My experience is that there are plenty of sensitive and loyal men other there (I am looking for a tall, handsome, Uber-successful alpha male).

        1. Danielle Foggia

          correction–I am NOT looking for an alpha male (I’m NOT looking for a tall, hot, Uber successful man–so I have lot’s of options for sensitive types).

    28. 1.29

      YES THIS. Spot on, Amanda.

      If a man can’t value his woman and see her beauty; if he must cut her down, he isn’t the man for her. Period.
      She can do better. His fucking loss. Every woman deserves to feel beautiful, not spend her life with a man who doesn’t appreciate her. We are not consolation prizes. How ridiculously overblown his ego must be, to feel like the authority on beauty.
      I guarantee if she had gone out that night, and decided to find a man who TRULY found her the most beautiful woman in the room, she wouldn’t have had any trouble finding a man. Just because she isn’t her boyfriend’s taste doesn’t make him the arbiter of her beauty.

    29. 1.30
      Lori J Calwile

      Right on Amanda! That is soooh true. We should be the most beautiful & have that extra something bc our men are not only looking at our outer beauty but hopefully they know us from with in. Angelina is an actress on screen or in a magazine. She has MANY people & lots of money to look that way. It’s not real! Plus you might sit down & talk to her & the best part of her is her face or boobs. So YES I want my man to tell me I’m beautiful & I’m more beautiful than other girls bc he see’s my heart & see’s how much I love him, so that makes me extra special & extra beautiful!

    30. 1.31

      Can’t believe this guys is giving dating advise and doesn’t even understand the few basics about women.


      The thing is I REALLY DO FEEL that MY man is the most attractive and adorable man in the room. How immature to put fake celebs on such a podest (meet a few of them and you’d understand what I mean). Angelina Jolie had her entire face broken and redesigned, google it. She had so much surgery to look the way she does now…..every woman can look like that with surgery, some diet and the right lighting, cameras and make-up team. IT IS SO SO RIDICULOUS to even compare women to supermodels or this ugly Kim Kardashian who hype themselves with paid PR and money to have surgery, extensions and lots of crap. EVERY woman can be a 9 or 10 with this kind of presentation.

      The thing is that these jerks don’t learn the basic empathy towards women and understand the vulnerability around looks and appearance.

      They often secretly see prostitutes or dream of 20 year olds (sometimes way younger girls)—and trust me if they would earn a lot of money, they are the one to leave you in a second.

      Watch the wolf of wall street and you see such a delusional man and how he tells the fake plastic empty doll how much he loves her, marries her…and she leaves him when he’s broke. But those men don’t even bother because women are not really a priority for them.

      If you meet such a man (or any man who uses the ridiculous 10er scale on women)…please run. ALSO use the 10er scale on his sex performance and say he;s only a 7…and see what happens. BUT OUUH WE’re just talking reality darling. You’re not a porn star (say Johnny Sins) darling, why would you be offended.

      But wait…then you’ll be labelled a whore…..LOLOLOLOL women cant win

      1. 1.31.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        And I can’t believe that:

        a) You made the post about Angelina Jolie. She’s irrelevant to the conversation.
        b) You think that because you feel your man is the most attractive man that everyone else on the planet can conceivably feel the same way.
        c) You think this advice would be any different if a man asked his girlfriend if he was as hot as Channing Tatum.

        Don’t ask questions like that and you won’t be disappointed when you get the truth in response.

    31. 1.32

      I am ambivalent about the author’s take on the matter.But the article made me feel better.

      I actually came upon the article after a Google search inspired by catty, dismissive remarks made by another woman.Considering this woman’s more stereotypically masculine communication style and her own insecurities about her appearance, I shouldn’t have expected her to treat me as I would treat another person.

      That doesn’t necessarily make her “right.” I dropped her as a friend once it became clear she just isn’t interested in being emotionally supportive. Notice that I did not write, say,  untruthful.   And, for what it’s worth, her comments were essentially unsolicited — I certainly wasn’t asking for her to tell me I’m as pretty as any famous beauty.

      The most exciting romantic relationship I ever had was with a man who considered me hot. He wasn’t lying when he told me how attractive he thought I was — which is not to say that I am objectively attractive, that I’m anywhere near beautiful; just that he considered me to be.

      Yet if I were a man, I would be honest and direct with my girlfriend about her attractiveness vis à vis any famous beauty. However, I take a broader view of what constitutes  honesty  in this case.

      Sure, the girlfriend may not look as good as, say, Shakira. But Shakira doesn’t look as good as Shakira. Remember that every time you and I see Shakira, she is some combination of professionally made up and Photoshopped. Which is not to say that Shakira is not extremely beautiful, but that there’s no way that anyone — even Shakira     — can always be ready for glamour photo shoots.

      In other words, I don’t think bluntness and sensitivity are mutually exclusive.

    32. 1.33

      Right! The saying is “love is blind” for a reason! There are men who will find his woman most beautiful because he is in love as beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Plus not everyone even thinks Angelina IS hottest, some prefer Jennifer Anniston, for example. Some prefer curvy vs super thin.   Full lips, or thinner. Get it?   It is preferance so since there is NO true way to quantify who actually is “hottest”, (beyond media telling you) If a man has his own mind, it can be (and should be) the woman you have!   OR you took the “walk” for fear you’d strike out if you swung at the ball! Sounds weak truthfully. The man should prefer his choice.   Not settle simply because they cannot get better.   One man’s 7 is anothers 9.   Some man’s calling his own wife a 7 , yet there very well could be a handsome man, telling her she is a 10! Hmm another giving her what he is not…better hope she is cool also settling with a 7 over a 10!   Honesty! So refreshing eh? Anyway. Love is not rational, that is why it is called romantic love and not just friendship. It is also inaccurate to say women lie vs men’s telling truth. Some men lie quite well when they want to…to cover up cheating, porn, debt etc…. so yeah…men lie just fine when suits them.   YET,   making your woman feel special with the same type thing…. God forbid!   Suddenly he is Mr. Morality Honest Abe? Men do not handle truth ANY better btw.   You think a man would not be let down if told her ex was better in bed or had a better job or nicer abs?   Or are we only able to lessen someone via a celebrity? Of course we think differently!   Men should just accept and love us for who we are, women! NOT men,   so don’t get mad when we do not think/act like men!     We  are different in many ways … not worse nor better, the difference is what is interesting! Our sexuality is responsive to how we feel. Essentially comparing her negatively, is turning her off! Just like saying she’s seen way bigger penis in her day… can you say “boner killer”.   We are turned on by words, romance, being desired but if you all are more interested in your brutal honesty than pleasing a woman …well, good luck with that! The world taught women we are defined and valued mostly by beauty or lack of.   So you hurt her? What is the purpose really? To ensure she not feel too sexy? Keep her in check?   Great job, she gets it… We have a world full of honest assholes out there putting us down. Our boyfriend/husband should be our safe place, as you expect us always in your corner, right?!   Denying a woman her beauty is taking from her femininity! Men would not do well being emasculated. To feel less of a man than another, correct? What if it is true.   Beauty to us is what strength/respect is to men! We all “fib” to spare our beloved’s   feelings at some point. “Its SOOO big” sound familiar. Apparently, every man is the biggest. The honest might be “oh sooo average” Lol   Plus, as said… if you think she is not beautiful then you are not smitten with love, you are simply comfortable and settling. How dull.

    33. 1.34

      You said it girl

    34. 1.35

      Spot on in my opinion Amanda

    35. 1.36

      Couldn’t agree more!!!!!!

    36. 1.37

      Yesssss! Thank you I was so annoyed ready that shit from him Lol

    37. 1.38


    38. 1.39

      Well said Amanda. Love the analogy. I must say, I used to value Evan’s articles, but this one just left a terrible tastes in my mouth. The boyfriend is a total dick if he received the same type of directness from his girlfriend about looks, 100% he’d start developing complex. Beauty is subjective, and he didn’t have to lie. Just be a bit more mindful in the words used towards the girl he love, not add to her insecurities. Jezuz :/ you don’t build relationships with salt and vinegar wtf?

  2. 2

    Ouch, Evan. You really take the “direct communicator” model to heart. ;D

    To the OP I would say this: yes, it’s good to be honest with yourself about your looks. You’re not Angelina Jolie and that’s probably a lot more manageable anyway. What you really want to know is if your guy is crazy about you, right?

    Does he do all the things that Evan says guys do when they are in love? Is he able to praise and compliment you and be generous with his time? If so, I would drop your concern and never bring it up again. It will just annoy him. If this is a symptom of a guy who is aloof and not able to communicate his love for you, you should borrow a page from the guys and ask him directly to give verbal feedback more often. If your guy is uber-logical like I’m guessing he might be, he might respond very positively to your request.

    1. 2.1

      Yup.. what you really want your bf to say is that he finds you attractive And He Wants To Be With You. You don’t really care about whether you look like Angelina Jolie to him. In that case, just tell him that you want some affectionate nice words about the way you look. Asking my boyfriend what he likes about my face has always given me very happy results.

  3. 3


    Now hold on a second here. Before we go jumping all over this woman and whatnot, here’s one thing. We weren’t there. We did not hear HOW he said it to her.

    I think what a lot of men fail to understand is that we women DO want an honest man, but we also want a little bit of sensitivity. There’s an old saying, that I repeat often to patients I work with, and my boyfriend, “It’s not WHAT you say. It’s HOW you say it.” And if he said something like, “Pffft, please, you’re NOTHING like them.” Well I can see why Ms. Diana would get hurt. I would be too, if I were spoken to like that.

    Do alot of women want a guy to lie to them? I guess so, I don’t know. I’m of the opinion that I’d prefer the truth any day over a lie. However, you don’t need to go bashing someone over the head with the truth, either.

    One thing alot of you guys need to learn, is tact, and to think before you speak. Just the other day at work, my department administrator came to me and said, “Heather, are you submitting your paperwork?” Excuse me?? Not, “Hey Heather, it’s the end of the month, is everything going OK? Need anything? Are there any problems?” Nope, just “Are you doing your paperwork?” And also let me add that I “reality checked” this with several men, who agreed that my admin was way out of line and insensitive for talking to me like that.

    I am not totally defending this woman since I don’t know what happened to her. But let’s not jump all over her and tell her she can’t handle an honest man, when we weren’t there, and we couldn’t hear how that conversation went down.

    1. 3.1

      Okay, so this women does sound to be insecure and needs someone to fall all over her. I have been there. I was the pretty one that all of the guys went gaga over. Then I got married to a wonderful man who does not seem to notice. It is hard to go from the center of attention to just a person. I know that sounds horrid and I understand why you feel that way. That being said, it is very often, how a man says what he says that breaks us down, crushes our hearts a bit, and makes us question our relationships. This young lady needs to grow up and her boyfriend needs to not be a dick.

      1. 3.1.1

        Tiffany, you said: “I was the pretty one that all of the guys went gaga over. Then I got married to a wonderful man who does not seem to notice. It is hard to go from the center of attention to just a person. I know that sounds horrid and I understand why you feel that way.”
        Tiffany, I’m sure you are a nice person. You should know that undoubtedly your husband does notice your great looks and is EXTREMELY attracted to you and thinks you are an awesome catch. The problem, is that most really pretty girls, are TURNED OFF LIKE CRAZY, with guys that compliment their looks. Many of these women think of these guys who go gaga over them as strictly friends material and would never date them in a million years. Therefore, a smart guy learns to hide the depths of his attraction and to be careful not to appear too interested in his woman. With some pretty women, compliments can even enrage them (don’t ask me why this is, it just is.)
        Let me give you an example of this. I used to be friends with a girl who was a model. One day she was wearing a nice dress and I told her she looked very pretty in it. Now I had no romantic interest in this woman since she was married. This was STRICTLY a friendly comment. Anyway, after I complimented her, she became visibly enraged and told me to never say anything about her looks ever again. I never did. Her level of outrage was similar to if I had given her some kind of super vile insult. She was THAT enraged.
        A friend of mine dated this gorgeous blonde woman many years ago. They dated on and off for a year and a half. He was the guy who was constantly giving her compliments, expressing his love for her and being the “great boyfriend” that OP wishes her boyfriend would be. My friend was perfect towards this woman and treated her like gold. Of course, she got bored and cheated on him and treated him like absolute dirt. She knew he was deeply in love with her and therefor didn’t respect him at all.
        I am not comparing you to these two women, but after only a few experiences like this, men learn their lessons. Don’t appear to be too interested in a woman. Be careful with compliments.

    2. 3.2

      “It’s not WHAT you say. It’s HOW you say it.”    Well said!

  4. 4

    I respect Evans response for its honestly and directness
    I find the question unusual because the majority of women seem to underestimate their attractiveness. This is true amongst my friends and I just read an article about it the other day on msn. I can’t imagine most women challenging their boyfriends with this question. It does seem extremely insecure and to fling an insult back at him definitely immature.

  5. 5

    I don’t know what to say to this one, Evan…

    I think Diana is a bit childish by trying to compare herself to Hollywood celebrities because a) most of the Hollywood celebrities usually had some sort of plastic surgery and b) we usually see them on the red carpet or in some of the best photos (movies) there are out there, where they have the best make-up and lighthing available. So even though there are paparazzies everywhere, they usually put their best foot forward (lookwise)… heck, they earn their living by looking glamorous. They rarely have anything else to offer other than looks (and in some cases talent). Get over it!
    Plus, i really doubt that beauty is the indicator of a solid and happy relationship, considering the stuff that goes on between the ‘hot’ Hollywood couples.

    What actually bothered me in her letter was that her boyfriend said Angelina is beautiful and Diana is only ‘pretty’. Is he not aware that Angelina has a whole team of people taking care of this very aspect? I agree that he shouldn’t have lied to her, but still… ‘I think you are beautiful in your own way’ would have sounded way better. It’s like telling your guy that he is not handsome only because he isn’t Clooney.

  6. 6

    At first, I read this and thought the boyfriend was not doling out affection because she wasn’t measuring up to “celebrity-hotness”, or their sex life was being affected, but you’re right, this doesn’t seem to be the case — the OP wants some validation that she is as hot Kim Kardas. or Angelia Jolie…

    I had a friend like this (emphasis on ‘HAD’) — who at early 40’s looked 22 and had a great bosom and great lips and was sexy / cute (and got hit on constantly — notes on her windshield, etc., had a boyfriend) but was so insecure, would DEMAND reasons why she wasn’t as hot as the celebrities listed and wouldn’t let you off the phone until you presented your argument…and she cried. This was exhausting and felt like getting pulled into a black hole.

    Reading this, reminds me of that. And the boyfriend probably feels like that too.

    1. 6.1

      I am fascinated by the situation (i.e. the rift between Diana and her boyfriend, and the reason behind it), Evan’s response, and readers’ comments.

      But I don’t understand the desire to be as “hot” as a particular famous, beautiful woman.

      Physical beauty is not in the eyes of the beholder — studies show that certain proportions and so on are considered beautiful across cultures; however, if two women meet all the objective criteria for physical beauty, then whether some schmo prefers one or the other does come down to his own subjective tastes.

      I almost wonder if Diana’s boyfriend isn’t simply expressing a version of that. Even though Diana likely meets all the criteria for physical beauty, her boyfriend simply prefers Angelina Jolie’s appearance to Diana’s. Any number of men may well find Diana more attractive than Jolie (or Biel or Alba or name your favorite famous beauty).

      Your former friend’s insecurities made me think of one of my former friends. She is pretty enough that she’s been picked up by at least a couple of professional athletes, her mother was a professional cheerleader, whenever I went out with her men tried to hit on her — she is definitely pretty, and she knows it. She’s also extremely bright, warm, and caring, and in no way is she shallow. So you would think she would be above comparisons to celebrities.

      However, I can’t forget an interaction we had during our time as housemates. During a conversation, I told her that she reminds me of a TV character (played by an actress who is not conventionally pretty). In no way did I suggest that she physically resembles the actress. A dark look came across her face and she insisted that I explain what I meant. I made myself clearer: I told her that she’s sophisticated, just like the character. Still, even after the clarification she seemed annoyed by the comparison.

      While it would be easy for me to roll my eyes at that one, I now feel like I have a better grasp on the insecurity she must feel, despite her beauty. No matter how often her attractiveness is recognized, her perception of herself as attractive was threatened by a comment that had absolutely nothing to do with her appearance one way or the other.

      If only she could be as kind to herself as she is to others.

  7. 7

    If someone is the type of person who seeks validation outside of herself – as in the clothes she wears, the car she drives, and how high up the number scale her partner is in the looks department – then she probably suffers from low self-esteem, or she isn’t very educated or accomplished and has nothing besides her looks to feel good about. I think this woman is very fixated on her own looks, and worried also that she will lose them and her guy will lose interest as a result. It’s a valid concern, if you have a tendency to date men who are very fixated on your looks. The man she is dating could be (1) a person who doesn’t care as much about looks as she does ( in which case he is probably a better quality man than she’s used to, and probably he is attracted to her for other reasons than just her looks) or (2) he has a much higher and pickier standard of looks and doesn’t really feel that he’s lucky to be with her (red flag number 1! he will take off as soon as he meets someone slightly prettier) or (3) he’s the kind of guy who needs to put a girl “in her place” – he will find ways to constantly put you down or belittle you or make you feel like you’re not worthy somehow (red alert warning! run from this guy as fast as you can!). It’s very difficult to judge the situation from this one event or email. The fact that it bothers her this much, makes me think she’s picking up on something being not quite right about this guy. There have probably been other instances, slight remarks, that didn’t blow out into a fight as in this example she writes about. If her gut feeling is that this guy doesn’t like her much, or doesn’t seem pleased to be with her, he’s probably just “not that into her” and she should move on and find someone else who is crazy about her. Worst case scenario: his remarks about her looks are deliberately disrespectful, and he’s trying to undermine her self-esteem. Watch out for other signs of mental or emotional abuse. They won’t get better. They *will* get worse. Better still, stop comparing yourself to movie stars and inviting others to do so as well. Most movie stars aren’t that good-looking anyway. They just have access to professional makeup artists and stylists, and you don’t. Angelina Jolie probably looks like a dead trout when she rolls out of bed in the morning. Ditto for Brad Pitt.

    1. 7.1

      This response was perfect, Vicki.   Well said!

    2. 7.2


      This is exactly why it is not fair to be compared to celebrities, they can afford to have certain things while most other people can not.

  8. 8

    I generally agree with you, Evan, but I’m not sure this time. I can’t tell if she is delusional. Like, no one is as hot as Angelina Jolie. But if she is semi-hot, her boyfriend should feel that way. He does have a job to make her feel he believes she is sexy and beautiful. (The word “attractive” should be banned from the dictionary, it’s so insulting.)
    Sounds like she needs more affirmation than he’s giving her.

    1. 8.1

      I’ve been reading all these posts and Evan, if you know anything about women, it doesn’t make you feel good and it is quite insensitive on his part.   TACT,   I believe someone else said that should be used and I totally agree.   Saying things like that doesn’t make you feel all giddy and want to jump into bed with them.   I had a man that never gave me any compliments but talked about some of his exes and I didn’t want to here about it.   He also called Whitney Houston beautiful and I never heard that coming out of his mouth regarding me.   He also mentioned some other woman in the group we were in and he called her cute.   He called my lovely only once because I told him that I love compliments from the man I’m with.   It was like pulling teeth and I just gave up.   I felt like a generic girlfriend, NEXT!!!     It’s nothing to do with my self-esteem but it sure makes you feel more sexy, more romantic and want to hop into the sack with them when they are sincere.   I had a boyfriend before this last one and he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.   Gotta watch the sensitivity and men need to learn this about some woman and when to keep there mouths shut.   I’m 50 years old and been around awhile and I know what really works for us.!!!

    2. 8.2

      “Attractive” is insulting??? Why? I take it as a compliment if I’m told that

  9. 9

    Also, flip the genders — what about I demanded of my (imaginary) girlfriend – how come you don’t find me in the same league as Brad pitt or George Clooney? If you loved me, you would think I was hotter than them combined!

    That sounds absurd.

    Just because one is the same porportions as the ‘Celebrity-of-the-month’ just make you an “unfamous peer of them” in the looks department.

    And isn’t it possible he sees MORE beauty in you ON THE INSIDE than he could of any celebrity (and the ability to look past your insecurity and ego?)

  10. 10


    With your boyfriend – please google Celebrities Without Makeup. Eye opening and perspective putting. Do it.

  11. 11

    Oh well. Like i always say, honesty is overrated. If you had a choice to tell the truth and hurt your g/f feelings, or tell a (harmless) lie and make her feel good, why would you chose to tell the truth? Who needs it anyway? In life, i noticed time and time again that “honesty” is mostly about thr ego of the person who is “being honest”, either their pride or their putting other people down with their truths.

    1. 11.1

      Its called tact. I’m a honest person but I’m also a kind person. You can be tactful and still be honest. The person who can’t handle the truth seems to be the person whose ego gets in the way.

  12. 12

    I think it’s important for the men and women in relationships to express their desire for one another. Let’s face it, the majority of us are no Clooneys or Jolies and we know it, but it would be nice to think that our partner desires us anyway. I’m currently dating a man who has been honest in letting me know that he has been with plenty of “hot” women in the past. However, he seems to assume that simply dating me should be assurance enough that I’m an acceptable partner. He does not drop little hints or comments to boost my self-confidence and I’m left wondering if I’m just a place-holder until the next hottie comes along. Being 20 pounds over my ideal weight and no looker, I’m finding myself very insecure in this particular relationship even though he’s a great catch in so many other ways. Folks, you don’t have to compare yourselves (or your partners) to the Hollywood elite, but it sure would be reassuring to hear the occasional “Damn, you look good in that! I’m a lucky guy/girl.” I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

    1. 12.1

      You’re absolutely right. I don’t think this question is at all about really being as hot as Angelina Jolie’s whole team of stylists and artists do to make her that way, but just feeling like your man wants you. My man is wonderful in almost every way but I NEVER know if he finds me attractive or not. Whether I put on a pretty dress or do my makeup differently, he never says anything about it. I know I am a good-looking woman to the general public, but am I good looking specifically to him? Hell if I know.

    2. 12.2

      Holly, you make no sense. First of all Angelina Jolie is not all that, have you seen her without make-up? and George Clooney, is not all that either. IF YOU THINK THAT CELEBRITITES ARE THE HOTTEST THINGS, YOU ARE CRAZY. THEY ARE AVERAGE LOOKING WITHOUT MAKE-UP. IF I WAS FAMOUS I BET PEOPLE WOULD CONSIDER ME HOTTEST JUST BECAUSE I AM ON TV, THAT IS HOW IT IS IN THE MEDIA.

  13. 13
    Happy Person

    1) I think A Jolie is kinda creepy looking. She might be a nice and interesting person–don’t know. So I’m not slamming her the person. Just the image.

    2) I don’t get the part of popular culture where these freaky looking people are considered better-looking than so-called normal people. Because of this I wouldn’t be with a guy who talks about celebrity pop culture as if this is anything we should admire or aspire to. We can all look like that if we spent the time and money to do so. I think it’s sane that most of us do not.

    3) Men don’t get the final word on how we look or feel in our bodies. We do. That he feels so entitled to judge female attractiveness is a problem. That she goes along with him in this role is also a problem. That pop culture supports this view of man as consumer of female packaging is also a problem. (No, I don’t buy the evo psych view of male sexuality, so won’t respond to those justifications of rude behavior.)

    4) If a guy is more into a woman’s “internal beauty” than her “external beauty” then that should be clear from his words and his behavior. Women don’t go all insecure or crazy around guys who treat all women as humans rather than as packaging. They get calm.

    5) The person who is in front of you and sharing all or a part of your life is more important than some image floating around in your head. Goes for both men and women.

    1. 13.1

      Re: Happy Person
      “4) If a guy is more into a woman’s “internal beauty” than her “external beauty” then that should be clear from his words and his behavior. Women don’t go all insecure or crazy around guys who treat all women as humans rather than as packaging. They get calm.”

      I agree, Ive met men that made me feel so beautiful without any compliments, because they were beautiful inside. The ones that cut me down and generally didn’t show much respect for any women, were in fact abusive men who hit women, not to mention they also acted insanely nuts – ie: typical narcissistic behavior – a poor excuse for people without compassion. This type of man is judgemental and will cut you down. RUN… dont even think of WHY you should run, just do it… I will never give my heart or my body to anyone who doesn’t appreciate me.This is a matter of self preservation and self respect. I will no longer waste my precious time on earth crying over someone else other than my true loved ones. Kick the loser out and bring love in.

  14. 14

    I usually agree with you Evan but I think you were a little harsh on the girl. Without being privy to the conversation, it’s hard to tell if the guy was being a bit tactless and needlessly hurtful. My boyfriend is always honest with me (which I love) but he is also blunt, so I do know better than to ask a question like, “Am I hotter than Angelina?”. (since we both know I’m not). But he also tells me I’m beautiful a lot, which is always nice to hear. She may be insecure, but maybe her b/f could have said the truth in a way that didn’t make her question his attraction to her.

  15. 15
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Amanda – I posted your snarky remark instead of censoring it – even though it violates the rules of the blog – don’t insult the host (and especially his wife).

    In short, neither my wife or I find our marriage to be sad – and I would trust that anyone who knows us thinks that we’re about the happiest couple they know. So what do they see that you don’t?

    They see a couple who likes each other, respects each other, puts each other first, and communicates REALLY, REALLY, REALLY well.

    So if I don’t look like Colin Farrell (one of my wife’s crushes), I’m not remotely threatened or insulted. Why should I be? She hasn’t met Colin Farrell. She won’t meet Colin Farrell. She’s bright enough to know that there are other qualities besides looks. She doesn’t have him pegged for the best husband/father around. In short, because I’m really secure in my relationship, I could not care less about how she evaluates my looks in comparison to a super good-looking guy. I know this: she thinks I’m cute, we have a good sex life, and we’re both happy.

    To suggest that she’s my “consolation prize” or that either of us are “second rate” is to severely diminish what we have. You can say many things about us, but “sad” isn’t a label that would stick for even a half-second. In fact, my definition of sad would probably being in a relationship where my partner was expected to lie to me in order to keep the peace.

    @Amanda and Ileana – She’s his GIRLFRIEND. Year long relationship. Wonderful man. Strong connection. He thinks she’s pretty and good looking. That would seem to tell me everything I need to know about how he feels about her. She never said that her boyfriend insulted her or found her unattractive. She said that he didn’t think she was attractive as debatably the sexiest celebrity out there. To which I said, “So what?”

    I repeat: if this is something that you have in your DNA (hint: it’s not), then don’t ask questions where you don’t want the real answers. Sounds like that’s a better way of keeping the peace, instead of setting him up to hurt you with his honesty – or, your preferred method of treatment – the baldfaced lie.

    I can’t think of a single man who’s ever had this conversation and ask to be favorably compared to the most gorgeous guy out there.

    Honestly, why WOULD he?

    I know where I stand on the looks scale and as long as my wife still finds me attractive and compliments me from time to time, we’re good. Those compliments would mean a lot less if I asking for them and knew in the back of my mind that they were untrue.

    1. 15.1

      Evan – I agree with Amanda. What a fun life you and your wife have! Someone on TV is considered better than the person you are with? It really does sound to me that you would rather have someone more beautiful. If you don’t think the person you are with is a far better catch than someone on TV, you really shouldn’t stay with the person cause you feel you couldn’t obtain someone on TV. That is a cop out.

      If you men are so so so infatuated with your TV’s why not invest money in the cloning industry, or start making plastic surgeries mandatory, for women you guys so shallowly think are not up to par.

      What I really feel is happening here is men are not kind people and lack any type of feeling for anything than what hangs in their pants. Hopefully that is honest and straight to the point enough!

      1. 15.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        @Apples. Hahahahaha. You seem to have a really hard time understanding something that I’ve said explicitly. So I’ll say it again, but louder and slower:

        Just because I find an actress on TV more physically attractive than my wife doesn’t remotely mean that I think I’d be happier with an actress on TV. My wife is my best friend, my favorite person, my everything. I would do nothing to hurt her or hurt our relationship. If YOU can’t distinguish the difference between lusting for a celebrity and being happily married, then I highly advise you to find a man who thinks you are the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. If he tells you this, he’s probably a liar, but at least you’ll have the illusion of truth and happiness.

        1. Karmic Equation

          Where is the Like button?

          Seriously, some posts I don’t want to comment on, but want to like multiple times 🙂

        2. Daniella

          Your right and it’s good to know that even though a man I love finds many attractive, it doesn’t mean I should fear him straying away from me! And men who do cheat/stray do that regardless if they are with Angelina Jolie, because well that’s just a man without principals that consist of character and loyalty! It’s good to hear this from a man, it allows me to feel uniquely beautiful and no need for comparison! I always felt what you said, but I dated a man who instead of naturally finding other women attractive, compared me and put down whatever I lacked that they had! I will forever be hurt by his need to do that to me, when I was fairly easy going and not insecure before I met him! I mean well we all have some insecurities but they were small in comparison to when I knew him! I’m very focused on me and the person I am with always, I don’t focus on all around me, I guess you can say I’m a free spirit who believes in uniqueness! It sadden me to know such a person and that he couldn’t focus on us loving each other for who we were, even though yes many are way more attractive! Btw he wasn’t exactly a Calvin Klein model, he was balding young, had a bit of a belly and more body hair then I may like. But I literally thought he was the most gorgeous man in the world, I couldn’t take my eyes or thoughts off him, I loved him dearly! 😢#Justmythoughts

        3. Becca

          I think what people are missing is that there is more to it than looks.   Someone may be the best looking person on the planet.   But they could be boring, ugly, mean and bad kisser etc.

          He wasn’t saying he would rather be with Angelina he was just saying she is not movie star looks.   Of course movie stars gave airbrushing body doubles etc.


    2. 15.2

      I’m sure this comment won’t be read because I’m years late to this blog but this is the one post I’ve come across that I disagree with and am struggling with. Let me preface first by saying I’m a regular reader, I own Why He Disappeared and I have been a fan for a couple years. Anyway, I think the issue here is the concept of discretion. I do not think it is inherently wrong to want a partner to intuit or understand your feelings, even if it is ill advised in many cases.

      Ideally, everyone is secure at all times in a healthy and happy relationship and you can’t be with someone until you’ve fixed yourself blah blah blah etc. The reality is that people have insecurities and they still date and they shack up and maybe they even marry. In a rock solid marriage, yes, you should be okay knowing your spouse finds other people more attractive. It’s not a big deal. However, how they choose to express these feelings can be a big deal. No one should be the thought police in a relationship, but on the flip side I also don’t think I need to know every single thought in a partner’s head at all times. I do very much believe in the concept, “Think before you speak.” You have given the women who wrote the original question a very hard time based on the supposition that she ASKED her partner to compare her to a hot celebrity. I don’t see anywhere in the original note that she did ask. She said it “came up.” You may have been accurately reading between the lines there, and maybe not.

      I know, as a semi secure 25-year-old woman with some slight body dysmorphia, not to bring up conversations like this. I’m aware I’m not the hottest person out there but I’ll be damned if I  need reminder of said fact from  the man I choose to sleep with regularly. His opinion about my beauty matters a lot to me (perhaps second to my own) and I expect him to be somewhat aware of that.

      I had the distinct displeasure of listening to a man I am casually seeing wax poetic about another woman (an ex) who was “model beautiful” compared to all the other normals (me) that he’s dated. I did not ask to be compared to her although I was. I did not start the conversation at all. I patiently listened, moved the conversation elsewhere, and then felt incredibly insulted the next day. I did express my feelings calmly later, and I did receive an apology, but it didn’t make me feel better about being with someone who seemed to have no concept that my feelings might be hurt by these sentiments. Hurt to the point that I’m browsing old EMK articles about similar relationship woes instead of doing more important things with my life 😉

      Anyway, I think you’ve really given your readers a very hard time about wanting to be lied to, and while I agree that honesty is the best policy in almost all cases, lying by omission or using some discretion to keep all parties happy is not exactly a crime in this specific case. There’s provocation and then there’s having an idea thrown in your face. I do think the original writer with the question was blowing the situation out of proportion but at the end of the day I don’t think what she felt is uncommon. I also think she misidentified what was bothering her. Her past lovers, for the sake of some conception of romance (?) or acknowledging her happiness (?), indicated a certain level of infatuation/delight in her appearance and she felt validated. What she was missing from her boyfriend was that vocalized validation in a some enthusiastic/superlative form. You chastise her for not being secure enough and say that it’s not her boyfriend’s job to be that validation. Fair. Except that if said validation is the kind of treatment one is used to, and other people seem to understand that one  needs/desires/responds well to praise, why wouldn’t a boyfriend of a year have figured that out as well and understand his girlfriend’s modus operandi? I think this all circles back to some thought process on her part of “why doesn’t he understand I need x   thing, why doesn’t he really know me?” I’m not saying he should be a mind reader by any means, but I would expect he knows what kind of woman he’s dealing with year into a relationship…

      Also, last note, maybe  I’m going to get lumped into the totally unrealistic expectations group for this, but in a world where women’s appearances are regularly  being eviscerated in the media etc, can we not hate on the rare reader who actually seems to think they’re hot/is happy with their own appearance and instead question whether or not it was necessary for that guy to tell his girlfriend just how deluded she is? Maybe she’s really f-cking hot, Evan. We don’t know!

  16. 16

    Bravo, Evan! Great response!

  17. 17

    Not to make this about Jolie, but seriously have people not seen her pics without makeup? Hot, i think not, haha. I just generally dont get all the fascination with celebrities, most of them are very average looking and just glammed up and photoshoped to the extreme. I see girls no less beautiful everywhere i go. The beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and beauty is confidence.. To paraphrase Ford, whether you think you’re beautiful or you are not, you’re right.

  18. 18

    The thing that always amuses me about these types of comparisons (does “normal person X” look as good as “famous person Y”) is that if Angelina Jolie decided to be a lawyer instead of an actress, her bf/friends would tell her “oh, no you’re not nearly as hot as Jessica Alba or whomever. She’s famous and you’re just a mere mortal.” We should really remember that all these famous people started out as normal people at one point. So a week before they get their big break, they’re normal and shouldnt try to compare to celebrities but the next week when their first movie kills at the box office, then all of sudden they are celebrity-level hot…? WTF. Either they were hot before & after fame or not at all.

    What someone does for a living doesn’t make them gorgeous. Kathy Bates is an extraordinarily talented actress but even in her youth, she wasn’t as hot as my next door neighbor who is a doctor.

    Beauty is beauty. Famous people can be hotter or uglier than non-famous people and vice versa. If the OP is not hot as hot as the celebrities she asked her bf about, then she’s simply not and would not be even if she were famous. And in my opinion, just based upon her measurements (not facial beauty, as we dont have a photo), she sounds like she’s got the body of a famous hot person.

    Plus…. for every guy who loves Angelina there are a ton of other guys who don’t think she’s all that but instead love Beyonce or Jessica Biel or whomever. Men debate “who is the hottest” even among the famous women of the world. It’s all so subjective.

  19. 19


    Why must you keep assuming that we women want men to lie to us? You don’t know me. You don’t know how I think. I really rather resent the broad brush generalization here. It would be like my going around and going, “Oh all of you guys are just mean and verbally abusive.” I know you’d be pissed off and rightly so.

    So why are you coming down on all of us women and saying we all want to be lied to? Not all of us women say these things to our boyfriends, or are insecure.

  20. 20
    Evan Marc Katz

    Oh, this post is not about Angelina Jolie or celebrities without makeup.

    This is about the OP who thinks there’s something wrong with her relationship because while her boyfriend of one year finds her pretty, he doesn’t think she’s the prettiest person he’s ever seen.

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