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dating coach for smart, strong, successful women Evan Marc Katz
My boyfriend broke up with me after I found out he had been cheating on me for months. I was fine with the break up and helped to initiate it because I was furious. We were done for about 4 months but during this time I got extremely intoxicated one night and ended up at one of his buddies from high school place and we hooked up. It was not one of his best friends just a buddy, not someone he hangs out with anymore but definitely knows. It was a stupid decision that completely went against my moral judgment. Four months down the road, he begged for my forgiveness and came clean to me about all of his wrong doings but I never told him mine. We have been dating now for over 2 years since the incident but for the past 3 months the guilt has been eating me alive. Do I owe it to him to tell him? I feel sick if he ever brings his name up in casual conversation. He never disclosed any of the names to me of who he slept with. Should I tell him before I have a heart attack? Or let the past be the past and just let it go. We weren’t in any sort of commitment at the time.

Linda

Dear Linda,

There is some highly questionable decision-making going on here, to the point where your original question is just about your least important dilemma.

Let’s recap:

Your boyfriend cheated on you. That means he was sleeping with someone else, returning to you, and lying about his whereabouts. For months.

Then he broke up with you.

To me, those two things tell me far more about him than the two years since.

The only time a partner has any say over your sex life is when you are dating exclusively.

Your boyfriend is a liar. Your boyfriend is a cheater. Your boyfriend felt that his life would be enhanced if he were no longer dating you.

You slept with a guy on break. There is nothing unethical about that — especially since it wasn’t a “break” at the time. You were single. Single people are allowed to do whatever they want. As such, you should have absolutely no guilt about your actions, nor should you feel compelled to tell him about them.

Do you think your boyfriend was celibate during your break? Does it matter who he slept with when he was not your boyfriend? I sure don’t think so. The only time a partner has any say over your sex life is when you are dating exclusively.

Which brings us back to your current boyfriend of two years, who has been known to date you exclusively and still sleep with other women behind your back.

If you can forgive his crime, he should have zero to say about what you did when you were single.

You can already tell my feelings about him, and understand why I’m dubious about his ability or desire to make you feel safe in your relationship.

But ultimately, you have to make the call as to whether his cheating spree (it’s not an incident if it happened over and over again) was anomalous.

All I can say definitively is that if you can forgive his crime, he should have zero to say about what you did when you were single.