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Linda
Dear Linda,
There is some highly questionable decision-making going on here, to the point where your original question is just about your least important dilemma.
Let’s recap:
Your boyfriend cheated on you. That means he was sleeping with someone else, returning to you, and lying about his whereabouts. For months.
Then he broke up with you.
To me, those two things tell me far more about him than the two years since.
The only time a partner has any say over your sex life is when you are dating exclusively.
Your boyfriend is a liar. Your boyfriend is a cheater. Your boyfriend felt that his life would be enhanced if he were no longer dating you.
You slept with a guy on break. There is nothing unethical about that — especially since it wasn’t a “break” at the time. You were single. Single people are allowed to do whatever they want. As such, you should have absolutely no guilt about your actions, nor should you feel compelled to tell him about them.
Do you think your boyfriend was celibate during your break? Does it matter who he slept with when he was not your boyfriend? I sure don’t think so. The only time a partner has any say over your sex life is when you are dating exclusively.
Which brings us back to your current boyfriend of two years, who has been known to date you exclusively and still sleep with other women behind your back.
If you can forgive his crime, he should have zero to say about what you did when you were single.
You can already tell my feelings about him, and understand why I’m dubious about his ability or desire to make you feel safe in your relationship.
But ultimately, you have to make the call as to whether his cheating spree (it’s not an incident if it happened over and over again) was anomalous.
All I can say definitively is that if you can forgive his crime, he should have zero to say about what you did when you were single.
Christina says
Amen to this response. It is natural that you are having guilt because you are (unlike your boyfriend) an honest person…but you did nothing wrong so you owe him no explanation; and, if you feel that you owe him an explanation because you think he will be mad if he did find out, then that tells you even more about the type of person he is. It is ultimately none of his business.
Clare says
Yip, Linda, this is an open and shut case. If I were you, I would be more concerned about why I felt “eaten up with guilt” over something I did which was perfectly legitimate – especially if the guilt is towards someone who cheated on you repeatedly. To me, that is your real cause for concern.
Sunflower says
I think you should tell him just to see his reaction. If he does get mad and bent out of shape it would only further prove what type of man you’re really involved with.
Karmic Equation says
I disagree, Sunflower. If she truly loves him, she shouldn’t unburden her guilt so that HE has to deal with it. I think people who cheat and don’t get caught and then confess to ease their conscience, do it for selfish reasons, to ease their own conscience.
That said, I don’t believe OP was cheating. As Evan wrote, she was single when she hooked up with his buddy. She could have hooked up with a football team during that time and it wouldn’t be any of her bf’s business.
I agree with Clare that her feeling eaten up with guilt is the problem. She shouldn’t be. And if she is, she needs to learn to let that go. She’s not a “person of integrity” because she’s eaten up with guilt. She’s being stupid.
Her feelings of guilt may be real, but she needs to work at talking herself out of the unwarranted guilt. Not “confess” a sin she didn’t commit.
Sunflower says
Right back at ya KE. It’s not to unburden her guilt. She shouldn’t have any guilt because she did nothing wrong. She wants to be honest with him. I’m just saying maybe spilling the beans, hoping his reaction isn’t bad, but if it is, would yet reveal another layer to his low character.
Joe says
But what would be her motivation, if not to unburden her guilt? If it’s to stick it to the BF, that’s not exactly the most noble of motives, is it?
Karmic Equation says
Sunflower, if she doesn’t know her man’s character by now, shit-testing him like this isn’t going to help her any. And yes, this would be a shit-test if she did it with the intent to see how he would react. That’s the definition of shit-testing.
I’d never recommend shit-testing anyone. It subverts your confidence in your own powers of observation.
Build up your powers of observation instead. Learn to erase “wishful thinking” from those observations. When you’re not afraid to see and deal with the truth, the opposite sex is easy to read and understand.
Sunflower says
No need to get nasty KE. You call it Shit-testing, I call it being honest. Difference of opinions. Move on.
Karmic Equation says
But I’m not trying to be nasty, Sunflower.
It *is* shit-testing when a person (man or woman) says or does something for the sole purpose to see how the other person reacts. Your calling it honesty is a self-deception.
On my 2nd date with my ex-husband, he opened the passenger car door for me to get in and then mosied over to his side of the car. I scooted over automatically and unlatched the driver’s door. First thing he said when he got in (with a laugh) was “You passed the test.” “What test?” “You get an idea of a girl’s character if she unlatches the driver’s door for you. You’d be amazed at how many girls don’t do it.” “Oh, I see.” — That was my introduction to the male form of “shit-testing”. I liked my ex (still do) — so I just shrugged it off. But that was on our 2nd date. Not 2 years later. It’s possible that if we were still “just dating” 2 years later (we were engaged then), I wouldn’t have automatically unlatched his door. Who knows. lol
I was just calling what you suggested the way I saw it. Shit-testing happens all the time, but I refrain because I don’t need it to judge a man. He’s going to give you plenty of clues if you pay attention.
Sunflower says
Sorry you had a bad experience. But they’re your issues and you should deal with them before accusing other people of your misfortune. Good luck..
Karmic Equation says
Now who’s being nasty, Sunflower?
“A rose by any other name is still a rose.” Same for shit-tests.
I’m not really sure why you’re so defensive at my saying that’s what you were suggesting. Shit-testing not something to be ashamed of, per se. Just something to be aware of. If we don’t want to be shit-tested by men, then we should do our best not to shit-test them. Golden rule, and all that.
Jasmine says
I agree with Clare. I think the guilt you are feeling is a huge clue. I wonder if you do feel safe, cherished, empowered in that relationship. Does he still play mind games? (All liars do) do you find yourself feeling guilty about other things? Second guessing yourself frequently? But no matter what, don’t tell him. It’s none of his business and also not a good way to test him with this information. Good luck.
Liz says
I completely agree with Evan. You were single and free to do as you please. You owe no explanation. The real concern here is your boyfriend cheating for months and only coming clean because HE felt guilt. I feel the real reason you feel guilty is because in your gut you know your boyfriend will cheat again.
mgm531 says
She has nothing to apologize for or feel guilty about. He broke up with her, after she discovered him cheating on him for an extended period of time. So since she was single at the time she shouldn’t have to feel guiltly about dating or sleeping with anyone she chooses. On a side note, however, I find it interesting that she feels it neccessary to qualify her actions by explaining that she was ‘extremely intoxicated’ when she hooked up with this guy. I find it annoying when people do this as a way to excuse or justify their actions. It’s like saying ‘I’m not THAT kind of person who would just randomnly hook up with someone, but I was really drunk so I didn’t really know what I was doing’. That’s just a cop out. Own your actions — drunk or sober — and don’t make excuses for them.
Curt says
Although I don’t think she needs to apologize to him because they were broken up, I think hooking up with a guy that she knew her ex knew was bad policy. I make it a point to not sleep with people my know my exes, just to avoid awkwardness or complications should word get around.
butterduck says
I agree with Evan . Personally, I think people confess to infidelity especially to make THEMSELVES feel better; I’m sure it makes their partners feel awful. But I would think she shouldn’t tell him even if she hadn’t been ‘single’ at the time (I’m still of the school that says if you aren’t married, you’re single, even if you live with the guy) and he had never cheated. Sh#t happens. It was a stupid drunken decision. If she regrets it, no intention of ever repeating it and stops getting “extremely intoxicated” now that she knows she can’t handle it, maybe she should let sleeping dogs lie. Hopefully the pain of her conscience will keep her honest in the future.
MikeTO says
I don’t know about anyone else but we men have a “bro code”. Men should never sleep with a buddy’s ex girlfriend unless the guy ask first. Personally I wouldn’t do it. If a woman slept with a friend of mine during a break up it would be over for both the woman and the friend.
kyla says
i will say personally, he has been playing you when in a relationship….. so why u feeling guilty for something you have done when both of u broke up….
LaTrice says
I strongly agree with Evan. Linda didn’t do anything wrong, because her boyfriend broke up with her. She was a single woman, and was allowed to do whatever she wants. Although she’s NOT obligated to explain herself, she should leave the past where it belongs.
I don’t believe in taking a break from a relationship, since there’s no such thing. Both parties have the option of staying together, or leave.
Doris Martinez says
If you tell him, he will NEVER let you forget it!
MEN ARE EXTREMELY JEALOUS! THEY ALL BELIEVE IN THE DOUBLE STANDARD!
DO NOT TELL HIM! DO NOT TELL HIM!
Sara says
I am in a similar situation. I make myself feel better by telling myself to move on and God knows what my boyfriend did with anyone I know. However, although I’ve tried to move past the guilt. The guy who I slept with while on a break makes it a point to still communicate with my boyfriend so that makes me feel the guilt all over again.
I felt very very violated after I put myself in that at situation (I know what role I played) but now more then ever, this guy messages my boyfriend funny videos and comments on a lot of his posts a lot more then he did before. What advice can anyone give me… I don’t want to tell my boyfriend nor do I feel that I need to. He wouldn’t ever handle it well and I also consider how shitty he had been to me. But that does not take away my guilt of this guy making me feel like I shouldn’t forget. Seems like he gets a kick out of it and that is what makes me feel terrible. What I went through with my boyfriend broke me and changed me and I made very shitty mistakes. If this seems like a ramble…. guilt is awful.