I Still Sleep With My Cheating Ex-Husband

I STill Sleep With My Cheating Ex-Husband

Two years ago, I discovered that my husband had a mistress, and they were working together in the same company. When I asked him to leave, he became physically violent with me in front of my son, and the police had to remove him from my house. It was a very painful time for my son and myself, and I cried for a year after.

I was also always checking to see if my ex-husband was still with his mistress. They were together on and off. He told me that he tried to break it off many times but she would somehow find a way to sleep with him again.

A few months ago, I gave him a chance to get back together, but I realized I cannot trust him and he needs help, which he refused to get. Knowing his mistress will always be after him, I finalized my divorce and got sole custody of my son.

Since our divorce, my ex-husband and I have been having sex, and it is really great. We were always very much in love with each other, and our sex life was great except for some activities that I think belong to only prostitutes.

Since our divorce, I don’t care that he had a mistress, since the feeling that he still wants me so much gives me comfort and I feel secure with him. Is it because he is the father of my child? I have tried to date another man, but I couldn’t see the same stability with him. I know I don’t have stability with my ex-husband right now either. I want to be free of him, but it is very difficult. I would like to have my small family back together, and I am afraid that other men might take advantage of me or not care for my son. Please tell me if I am doing the right thing by sleeping with my ex-husband and hoping for a better future with him or should I let him go forever and look for a better future with another man? Thank you.

All women with cheating ex’s who still sleep with you on occasion, and still own your heart, say “Aye”!


Is anybody else sensing a strong recurring theme from these last few months of reader emails? 

You’ve got elements of the jerk who promises to commit, but never follows through.

You’ve got elements of the jerk who treated you poorly and couldn’t help the people who came onto him.

And, of course, you’ve got elements of the jerk who is so good in bed that he still commands your attention even though he’s a toxic bastard. In fact, I’m not so sure you’re not the exact same writer.

All women with cheating ex’s who still sleep with you on occasion, and still own your heart, say “Aye”!

This advice column is a joy for me in so many ways, and yet I find each email like this so painful. The reason I’m running this one is because I’ve had just about enough of these letters. …

If you’re a regular reader, I don’t know how many ways I can say it.

Your situation is not unique.

You’re not doing the right thing.

You’re better off without him.

Change your life. Lose the guy. Stop waiting for the change that never comes.

You’re thinking with your heart, not with your head.

Your refusal to look at the objective facts is staggering.

I’m not angry at you. I’m angry FOR you. I’m angry because no matter how many times I write the same exact column, literally HALF of my emails are some version of this same question.

My boyfriend:

Cheated on me/Has a porn addiction/Left me two years ago

He recently came back and says he:

Changed completely/Never meant to hurt me/Still loves me

I’m now:

Talking with him regularly/Sleeping with him again/Getting those strong feelings back

Yet he still won’t:

Call me regularly/Sleep with me consistently/Make a commitment to me

What should I do, Evan? I’m so confused.

Trust me, you’re the only one who’s confused.

The rest of us sadly shake our heads at how you could possibly think of staying with this tool. This man who beat you and cheated on you, and has the audacity to come back into your life, completely unchanged. This man who tried to break it off with his mistress many times, except for the fact that she always found a way to sleep with him again. This man who believes you have so little respect for yourself that you’ll take him back in any circumstances.

Are you getting angry yet, Misha? Are any other readers getting angry at me yet?

If so, DO SOMETHING about it.

Don’t shoot the messenger who tells you that your dysfunctional relationship needs to be retired ASAP.

Change your life. Lose the guy. Stop waiting for the change that never comes.

Join our conversation (63 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 31

    My husband relationship with Karen last for more than 2 years.. Everytime I asked him about their relationships he answers me. He only denies penetrating the girl.. What I did now is asked my husband an allowance for myself which 2k, he pays the house, and all expenses. He pays the daycare too. If he wants sex he’ll pay for it and if he wants to sleep with me ( just to sleep without sex) he’ll pay $100/ night. He’s
    doing it so far.

  2. 32

    I am 3 months out of a 20 year marriage. Although I know having sex with him is wrong I can’t help myself. He is my first love, and sex with him is 
    fantastic. Our children know about his constant infidelities and how how he has treated me.They are proud that I finally got out of the relationship.I really feel guilty and used after sex with him. I know this is a bad example for my teen daughter. I try to hide it but they know where I’m going for more than a couple of hours and its not work.  I am really going to try harder to stop.I kicked him out because he wanted to sleep with me and other women, yet I’m still having sex with him. what kind of an idiot does this?

    1. 32.1

      There are many of us out there. I was married 2 months shy of 21 years. My husband cheated four times that I know of. Once was a one night stand, twice he actually moved out – and the fourth time, I asked for a divorce. It’s been six months, and though we haven’t slept together, we have sexted several times. But believe me, I still really want him!

  3. 33

    Karl 29 – love the answer.
    I just don’t know how women can tolerate this kind of behaviour.  
    He has a large penis which he shares with another woman.  He beats her and that means he loves her.
    Funny.  There was me thinking that a man who loves you is faithful, kind, respectful, loyal, sweet and gentle and is more into protecting a woman than beating her up.
    Oh well. 

  4. 34

    Cam 23 – a most useful purchase.  She can whack him on the head with it.
    Or just……leave.

  5. 35

    My husband moved out because “he wasn’t happy” and our divorce was finalized 15 months later. I was devastated. We lived a very comfortable life. I was aware of brief indiscretions on his part but never acknowledged them because I believed they were not relationships…just anonymous sex. He continued to take full financial responsibility for the kids and me while we were separated and even discussed possibility of divorce being a mistake right before it was finalized.
    But divorce did end up happening and I was awarded more child support and alimony than I had expected…as well as other assets….and still felt like a failure. I was model wife and mother… and it wasn’t enough for him to stay. It took another six months…almost two years after he left for me to wake up and realize I was wasting my life feeling guilty …feeling inadequate….feeling insecure and worthless.
    My ex husband is 15 yrs older than me. I married him when I was 22 and immediately gave birth to 3 sons. I was used to being told what to do, when to do it, and how. He was a control freak. And I thought some of the unconventional sexual requests were the norm. I didn’t know how to be anything but submissive because that’s all I knew.
    Last summer he had the boys all summer as divorce specified. I missed them so much and he was good about letting them spend week-ends or inviting me to go with them to dinner or shopping etc. I was so lonely and one night I ended up sleeping with him again. It was passionate and satisfying.
    But it wasn’t permanent. We were divorced. He started coming on to me more and more and we spent a week end away without the kids before school started. Sex and companionship was great and at the end if the week end I told him this was great…. Always wanted a friend with benefits. He was shocked. So not me.
    But it was a turning point. Started dating Felt incredibly good to be popular. Didn’t realize single dads at kids little league game actually thought I was “hot”. And since my ex didn’t like me to socialize with …..well, really, ANYBODY, ….just having interaction made me feel alive again.
    But guess what?? Dated 3 different guys and all ended up being jerks. Only slept with one ( have 5 date rule) but caught him cheating with his office whore and dropped him like a hot potato. He still -2 months later – tries to get me to go out with him – but I’m adimant bout friends only basis anpd I know he’ll eventually find someone else. Refuse to let anyone else treat me like a doormat.
    But I’ve realized I have needs…and whom have I been seeing for that?? You got it. My ex. He’s handsome – a fantastic lover – true gentleman – and comfortable. One nighters don’t feel slutty with him because he was my husband. I’m not really separating love and sex because I do love him…,I care about what happens to him, but I will not become his wife again. He left me for someone else….and still continued to take care if me. If and when I find someone I want to date again the sleeping with the ex will stop. Until then, I’m ok with this arrangement….incredibly enough.
    As long as u aren’t setting yourself up to be hurt again….you really don’t have to give him up completely….couldn’t have done this a year ago because I would have wanted more …, but now I don’t miss him, get along with him fine, and if and when one of us finds someone that knocks us off our feet we’ll be happy for each other. And in the meantime my kids are happy and secure knowing both their parents are in their life, and they are loved deeply

  6. 36

    Amen, Evan. Amen.

  7. 37

    I can understand why she says she feels safe and secure with her ex. Women need security to feel safe at night and when the ex does come around she feels happy and not worried at night. I hope she finds someone to treat her and her son with love and respect. God answers prayers Misha , pray and God will help you.

  8. 38

    Please get out pf this cheating Husband and Wife depression and let both live life. Marriage is mot the end of the world its just having sex the most legal way publically bcz everyone knows u are married and had fun at nights

  9. 39
    Irene Caudill

    My newborn looks just like Jason! He’s white and all 3 of my other children have more colored skin. They are my tan babies.

  10. 40
    Irene Caudill

    It worries me because he’s so white.

  11. 41
    Irene Caudill

    My husbands mistress use to be our babysitter. We had to ask her to stop because how poorly she treated my kids. She never fed them. They always complained about how she treated them. Our house was never clean when she was there. I dont know what my husband ever saw in her because she never showers and her face is always covered in zits.

  12. 42

    So much for the so called alpha males. LOL

  13. 43

    I wonder

  14. 44

    Ladies, if you feel you have to have sex with your ex, buy a vibrator. Seriously. These men offer you nothing but sex. Give yourself sex and kick them to the curb.

  15. 45

    It’s saddens me that some women find comfort in an ex that either physically or emotionally abused them.   Ladies, you will only be respected to the level that you respect yourself.  Having sex without commitment with your ex is no better than having a friends with benefits relationship with someone else.      Rather than trying to find a man, turn your focus on yourself, learn about you, do things that make you happy, find inner peace and love with yourself.  Love will find you again, when you have learnt, grown and can stand on your own two feet.  Remember, you are a role model to your child, they grow so quickly and before we know it, time has flown and that is the one thing that we can never get back- time, it’s precious……choose wisely, who is worthy of your time.


    Work on yourself and focus on your child, only positive outcomes here and THIS, you’ll never regret.   Everything else will follow, the universe is just waiting for you to learn from your lessons and live yourself.

  16. 46

    I am having an affair with my ex husband (although not quite ex as we are only legally separated and not quite divorced but that is only a legal convention and irrelevant except for financial purposes) and it is THE MOST FANTASTIC THING that has ever happened to me.  Our respective families, children, all from previous marriage, do not know.  It is a secret love affair and this only adds to its potency in every form.  It exists in a bubble – far from the banality of every day routine and stresses – which went a long way to cause the breakup in the first place.  And since I came to accept this – at a mature stage of life – I have no feelings of recrimination, and therefore can see and appreciate the pure pleasure it brings to me, to both of us – for however long it may last.  That is all that matters.  There are no guarantees.  Only that life is short.  There is only what we both choose to make of it.  And therefore, both wanting it to continue, we continue to grow in creativity in discovering new ways to bring pleasure to each other.  Which has as a consequence developed me as a woman and a person in incredibly powerful angles and which I would never have drawn out of myself if not for what went – very painfully – before.  And which in turn makes me magnetically attractive, and not only to him.  I notice the reaction in almost everyone I meet.

    Yes, at times I miss the total involvement of married life and there are lonely times but through our separation – which was at his initiation – due in my opinion, and since acknowledged by him – to mid life crisis, but what we have now by far supersedes what went before.

    Through this experience, I have come to truly understand the nature of men and in particular my ex.  They crave simplicity.  They are far better than us women at seeing the end goal and how to achieve it.

    Of course, there is love between us.  That is what makes it so powerful.  But we do not discuss it.  Men feel it but they don’t want to discuss it or hear about it.  It is not akin to dating.  It is far beyond that.  When you date, you don’t know each other intimately.  It is another level.  Another galaxy.

    I leave him to make all the contact.  Otherwise and in between, he is free to do whatever he wants.  And that I grant him this feeling is crucial.  Only when he feels totally free, unencumbered, does he want to return.  And is therefore able to give to me what I desire.

    I have stopped trying to compensate with other men.  They could not possibly compare to what I have with my ex.  It is life of the moment – but what a moment!  It is quality versus quantity so to speak.





    1. 46.1
      Mimi LaRue


  17. 47

    cheating husband so hrtful

  18. 48

    Hi Dear what happened to you is almost the same with me, the differences just our current condition.

    I know exactly how you feel, 6 years ago my ex husband cheated on me with my friend and she conceived his child. It was very painful and hard time for me. My ex said that he still loves me and what he did was a big mistake in his life. But again, I decided to leave him and try to move on.

    Do you know why I try so hard to move on? Eventhough I was still in love with him and we have 2 children. Because his child with his mistress will always bring him back to her, she will always be after him.

    On the other side, i was freaming of my little happy family without any drama. So I decided to move on and dare to take a challenge for my new life.

    Again, life is a decision. God created you but you create your own way to reach your future. 2 years ago after the long 4 years of fighting from my past I found a man who loved me for who I am. And until now our marriage still be my lovely chance in life. Try to move on dear.. If your ex husband really love you he will always get a way to break any bond with his mistress.

    If his mistress can get any way to sleep with him again, same on him, he will always get a way to remove her from his life. His life is his decision.

    You are worth more than that, don’t make yourself lowe than his or his mistress. And if you need someone to comfort you, you can always get many ways to achieved it. Just don’t give up.

    Trust me because I have been in your situation. And now I’m fully whole and healed. All the best and gud luck for you dear

  19. 49
    Mimi LaRue

    Catch orgasms not feelings. I’m all for getting yours. After getting ran over and heartbroken the last thing folks want to do is open themselves to someone one, a new chance to get hurt. No sir and ma’am. Immediately jumping into or even looking for someone new isn’t where it’s at. At the same time, we all need to scratch that itch and solo action just doesn’t do it sometimes. Absolutely yes, use that Ex for what he’s good for.

    Kids are much smarter than we give them credit for. They know a jerk long before we do. Kids who are guided correctly aren’t so dense to monkey see, monkey do. They can handle and give the truth much easier than adults.

    People always make it about the cheater. He is using tou, he is this and that. Man, who cares. Who made up these rules? Ehat do you want? Action? Then get yours and keep it moving!!!

  20. 50

    If a man wants to be faithful, he will.  If he doesn’t,  he won’t.   It has absolutely nothing to do with the mistress pursuing him or not.  He would cut off all ties with the mistress if he respected you, even if she chases after him.  If you allow him to stay in your life, that is your choice.

  21. 51
    Elizabeth Triplett

    You are some version of a codependant, I recognize it because my story is the same. We were madly in love and still to this day I recognize I don’t look at anyone the same way that I look at him. He offers you something you haven’t learned to provide for yourself. Figure out what that is and learn to provide that need for your self. Mine was confidence my husband would build me up verbally and it took me a long time to change my perspective to see that his actions did not build me up. I put sooo much weight on the verbal I wasn’t even paying attention to the actions. I prayed one prayer over and over, “God change me.” I didn’t even know what or how I wanted to be changed but over time I learned to walk in a room all by myself and KNOW I was great, even without him “showing” me love. Many woman give another man all of their power. If he is mad at me, I have a bad day. If he is happy with me, I have a good day. That is an us problem to fix. That is a demon inside of us that not even the perfect man can fix (andwe are only attracted to the deceptive ones) because they are professional actors who are always on stage to  provide the “feeling” (not fact) we are looking for in that moment…….. when we should be learning how to provide our selves with that feeling. It was the hardest thing I ever earned how to do, and I still have moments of weakness and thoughts of doubt, but overtime I have come a long way and DONT want to go back to that place.

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