Am I Crazy For Wanting To Dump The Amazing Man Who Bores Me?

603 Shares

Dear Evan,

A little history…I’m 28, divorced with two young kids, they live at home. He is 37, divorced with one teenage kid that he sees every other weekend. Here is my dilemma…. I can’t figure out if I’m attracted to him or the fact that he’s a good guy.

You wait and pray for there to be a good guy left on this earth and finally one comes along and you find him boring or at least not challenging.

What is that? Am I crazy?

He is completely into me. Calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc. We’ve been dating two months. We don’t get too much opportunity to spend alone time so we’ve only slept with each other twice. It was okay, not mind blowing or anything. I’ve had much better, but I’ve had much worse too. He’s relatively attractive but not my usual type or taste.

Am I being picky? Any other woman would think he is a great catch. I think so as well but just…I don’t know why I can’t get into him.

He’s completely fallen for me, thinks I’m strong, independent, beautiful, good mom, etc. wants to make me happy and for me to be his “girlfriend” and I can just tell the L word is coming along any day now. I can just tell and trust me, I’m not wrong on this.

Another bit of history…

So he usually gets involved with psychos that latch on to him. That is – the complete opposite of me. I like my space and I don’t care if I never see you again. Guys come and go but my family, especially my kids, are forever. It’s one of the mottos I live by. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. A guy in my life is “nice to have” but by no means a need. I think I’m a challenge for him, which is fine. But on my side of things it’s too easy.

From experience, happily ever after doesn’t exist. Sure everyone puts their best foot forward when they’re dating but who’s to say he’ll stay like that? Am I just jaded and not giving him a real chance? Or is just the reverse that I’m just not into him? Then the dilemma becomes do I let this great guy go and regret it afterward?

Can you give some advice on this? I have no idea what to do.

Thank you.

Diana

Dear Diana,

I can only imagine that thousands of women were reading your post and nodding along at the familiarity of your situation.

It’s pretty much the human condition. The people we want don’t want us. The people who want us, we don’t want. When there’s a rare exception to that rule, we call it love.

As I see it, you’re asking a few separate questions here. Let’s break them down separately, so hopefully you can find a little clarity — or, more likely, validation, for how you feel.

Question 1: Am I crazy?

No, Diana. You’re not crazy. You may be confounding to men, but you’re definitely not crazy and definitely not wrong…. Attraction is not rational. We can break it down to its elemental components, but that thing that you feel, which draws you to a man? It’s not a choice. No more than the base attraction a man has to a woman when he sees her across a crowded room.

There has been a great deal written on this, and there’s an entire industry designed to explain to “nice guys” how to attract women. In fact, it’s been turned into such a science, that you might want to take a look at it. Check out more from one of the original masters, David DeAngelo. DeAngelo puts into plain words what you just feel in your bones: confident, decisive, witty, and somewhat unpredictable men are the most attractive. Yes, it helps if he’s cute. Sure, it helps if he has money. But the attitude that plays the best with the most women is generally some version of “cocky and funny.”

Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys without any balls finish last.

Of course, most women outgrow men who are so cocky that they are unable to forge bonds with a woman. But the desire for a man with a little swagger never entirely wanes. I wrote about a man’s passion and proficiency just two weeks ago. In short, a guy doesn’t have to be a jerk to do well with women. He just has to be a man.

And while I hate to keep on referencing old blog posts, some of them apply specifically to this theme, especially this one, which says:

Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys without any balls finish last.

Which brings me to your next question.

Question 2: Am I being picky?

Let’s see… By your admission, he “calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc.”

So what do you think? Are you being picky? Or is there something more to dating and relationships than what someone does for you?

How about how someone makes you feel?

How about how you feel about him?

I think those two things are the essence of any relationship. And I think they get lost when we start focusing on checklists.

I speak from personal experience when I mention that I have broken up with some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I recall a brief relationship back in 2003. She had everything on my checklist — smart, silly, cute, good family, stable job, etc. What she didn’t have — what I really needed at the time — was a backbone. I just got the sense that I’d win every argument for the rest of our lives because she was such a pushover. And that wasn’t something I either respected or was attracted to. I broke up with her for a woman who was like a Sex and the City character come to life. All New York brass and Jewish sass. After a few months of phone calls, I flew to the East Coast to go on a four-day make-it-or-break-it date.

You can guess what happened next….

Exactly as I pulled away from the darling girl who would have done anything for me, Miss NYC pulled away from me. When pressed, she said I had 90% of what she was looking for – but didn’t feel the necessary attraction to start a long-distance relationship.

Your independent “I don’t need anybody” attitude is counterproductive. With it, you will get exactly what you’re asking for. Nobody.

And, in retrospect, I’m almost positive it was because I thought she was God’s gift to man. I kissed her ass. She walked away.

Much like you’re going to do to your guy at any second.

So… Question 3: Do I let this great guy go and regret it afterward?

Needless to say, I can’t tell you what to do. You can’t force attraction. But you know that great guys don’t grow on trees.

I think the X-Factor is that you’re a 28-year-old single mom. This means that you’ve been married, so you don’t feel the need to do it again. You’ve had two kids, so you don’t hear the ticking clock. In other words, you have nothing about which to panic. You can afford to be picky. Suitors will continue to line up well into your 30’s.

BUT…

Your independent “I don’t need anybody” attitude is counterproductive. With it, you will get exactly what you’re asking for. Nobody.

If that is your goal, keep pushing away the nice guys and letting the bad boys take their shots. You’ll find them attractive, but they generally won’t want to stick around with a single mom who has all your responsibilities.

As for what you should do with this guy, it sounds to me like your mind is already made up. Therefore, you have my blessing to dump him. Staying with him when your heart’s not in it is doing neither of you any favors.

Just recognize that you’d actually like this guy more if he pulled away more and cared about you less.

A bit ironic, isn’t it?

Join our conversation (165 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 21
    Anna

    Some posters responding to the OP should check their baggage at the door. We’ve all have disappointments in our dating lives.   Whether male or female.   The OP is simply describing a scenario that both men and women experience.   I’m dating a “nice guy” but have zero chemistry with him.   I don’t just mean chemistry as in sexual chemistry, but the chemistry shared between two human beings in terms of fun energy.   This guy is very sedate.   On New Year’s Eve I met two couple friends of his and they were a HOOT.   I had way more fun with these couples in one night than  I’ve had  with my boring guy for the last two months.   It makes me sad because I wish I could feel something for this guy.   But I just don’t.   He’s too quiet.    I think there’s a cute little nerdy librarian-type for him somewhere. I will be sticking needles in my eyes and stabbing voodoo dolls if I stay with this guy.   All is fair in the dating world, if you treat people with respect and are honest about where you think a relationship is headed.  

    1. 21.1
      Bill

      Actually, the nerdy librarian type will want the exciting, fun guy too.

  2. 22
    Sandra85

    I was in a similar position myself. I am 28 also and lived with and dates a guy for three years. When we first met I was crazy about him..he made me feel like no one had ever done before and at first our relationship was an equal one..that’s why it worked. However, as I got to know him inside out, I realised That he was a very insecure person with confidence Issues. I just didn’t respect that in a man..I knew that no matteall be forgiven, and not even because he loved me so much anymore but because he probably was too scared to be alone. I became resentful in the relationship and to my shame didnto treat him well. He knew I wasn’t happy but never addressed it with me and instead took all my nonense. This made me lose total respect and feelings for him. Maybe its not a good sign of who I am, the way I treated him, and I do regret that but part of growing up has meant I’ve developed a greater sense of self, and knowing myself better, I know that I need to find a strong man that I look up to and admire. Confidence and self respect is such an attractive trait in the opposite sex and I totally agree that it isn’t that nice guys finish last, it’s men with no balls that do. I ended that relationship a year ago, it was so hard to walk out on someone that I relied on for emotional support and friendship etc but I felt you get one shot at life and I had to take the risk rather than settle. I read somewhere that for a relationship to be a good one, both people most feel that they’re onto a good thing. I havent met anyone that measures up to my ex in the last year, but I’m glad I’m taking the risk to see if there is someone who’s more my match out there because I think it’s better to be single than in a relationship settling for less. I often feel guilty that I couldn’t love him but as my mother reminded me sometimes we can’t help the way we feel. Marriage has a 50/50 chance of working as it is, what hope do we have if out heart isn’t totally in it from the day we take those vows

    1. 22.1
      Truth

      You’re in total denial of how bad a choice you really just made. And this comment is meant to keep you in that denial.

  3. 23
    Joseph

    Because wickedness will increase in the world, the love of many will wax cold.  
    This is the world we live in today. I believe in loving your fellow man, the the institution of romantic live and marriage is close to dead in our society.  
    I say, fuck it. Live is too short, and you only get one shot at it, so why waste it chasing after something you may never find. If you were to take your life savings and gamble it all, you would be considered a moron. Because the odds that you will come out ahead are so rare. the same is true for seeking love too deeply in this life.  
    I am lucky that I was never good with women. I adapted and found things that I can affect in my life. Things that don’t hingthin the irrational thoughts of another.  
    I travel, I’ve seen the world. I have a lot if fun hobbies. I, of course, miss companionship, but I know most of us will end up alone or unhappy anyways. At least I will have a lot if fun memories I found on my own.  
    Look at the poster. She is not going to find peace. She has already created a broken family and refuses companionship because it isn’t perfect 100% of the time.  
    Life isn’t going to suddenly change. The world is a cold place. You gotta learn to role with it
      

  4. 24
    Agy

    Honestly, attraction is so essential to a relationship. Watch this TED talk by Helen Fisher: http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love
    Also Evan you wrote in your post “If that is your goal, keep pushing away the nice guys and letting the bad boys take their shots. You’ll find them attractive, but they generally won’t want to stick around with a single mom who has all your responsibilities.”
    That is so cruel, and you are a serious jerk for saying that!

    First of all, I don’t believe that Diana is necessarily attracted to “bad boys.” You’re really just reinforcing the stereotype here that attractive and desirable people are jerks while not-super attractive guys are good. Honestly, the various qualities are not mutually exclusive. I’m positive and sure that Diana can find someone who is attractive to her   and also a great human being. The dichotomy of nice guys  = unattractive and bad guys = attractive is so bogus.  In reality, these categories are derived and exist because of vulnerability and pain. It’s not so much due to the fact that people we find    “attractive” are simply jerks.

      Anyone who  we find subjectively attractive has the potential to hurt us, because we feel intense  emotions and passion for them. For instance, if  I asked my  2 year crush  on a date and he rejected me, I would feel pain. My feelings make me  vulnerable, and the way to categorize this person is “attractive” + rejection = bad.   Because he is attractive to me and I got rejected, I can  develop the stereotype  and association that  people I am attractive to have the potential to hurt me, therefore, they are jerks and bad. However, this is a terrible heuristic because there are definitely people out there who may find mutual attraction with us and not be jerks. In essence, you are encouraging people to only be safe and not allow vulnerability in your advice.

    Here’s my note concerning “nice” but unattractive guys. If I  asked a very nice guy, who I am not attracted to, on a date, and he said no I’d feel ok. I would feel little pain, because I lack any emotions  or  passion for him.  Because I lack  intense feelings for him, I will be less  vulnerable when I am rejected. In this sense,  I can say that nice guy is still a good human being   because he didn’t hurt me . . . Mainly due to the fact that I lacked  passion for him and wasn’t very vulnerable in the first place. It creates the pairing “unattractive” people to me are “nice,” because  I am less  vulnerable to pain  around them.

    LOVE requires vulnerability.  True LOVE  between two different people who wish to mate requires passion.

    I’ve been reading your blogs, and I’m so tire of you telling people to play it safe, be “rational,” and not consider their gut instincts or feelings when making decisions. Without our feelings and emotions there would be no such thing as rationality.

    1. 24.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      And I’m tired of being misunderstood and misread. We all have a cross to bear, my friend. People need to use emotions and logic in making decision. Not just one or the other. Go show me a post where I told women that all super attractive guys are jerks, all ugly guys are great, and that you should always play it safe, and never consider your gut instincts. You can’t. Because I never said any of the above. What I write is far more nuanced than you’re giving me credit for, but you can’t hear it because implicit in my advice is constructive criticism: “maybe you’re not making the best decisions”. So maybe you’re not making the best decisions. But there’s no reason to call me cruel or a jerk for pointing out that we could all stand to peer into our blind spots.

      1. 24.1.1
        angel

        This past year I went out on several dates with a man who I would think would traditionally be categorized as ‘nice’. He also was not very attractive to me. By the third date, it was evident that he was not so much the nice guy. He was a relatively unattractive, boring guy with poor manners and bitter outlook due to past relationships. For our ‘fourth date’, he texted and wanted to invite himself to my home during my lunch hour (I work from home office most of the time), so I could prepare him a gourmet meal. That solidified it for me. lol

  5. 25
    Henry

    John Gottman putts it something like this… When you choose a partner your choosing a set of problems to interact with.. Each person comes with a special combination of   imperfectness… The real question is… What combination of challenges/differences/resolvable and unresolvable   problems can one accept and therefore cope with and still grow myself/my relationship/life and loved ones.  
    Personally I would say… If its just a matter of him just being to accommodating? Give it more time a dare to turn towards each other. If its a matter of   him truly boring you? Leave   ASAP and you an both find better matches.
      
    Perhaps the final question to Ask is…. Do I know how to be happy?   If not? Make the solving this your first priority, for no   man woman or beast can fill that hole but You.  
    Good luck to all of us here

    1. 25.1
      Michelle

      This is right on the money.

      And I believe both the OP and Evan are saying more or less what you say as well, which is why both her question(s) and his response(s) are very “on one hand”/”on the other hand” in nature.

      No easy formulas here, and no black or white. It’s all grey area (no matter how passionately  some of the commenters may feel that their personal experience = The Rule of How Things Are).

      1. 25.1.1
        Caroline R

        “their experience = The Rule of How Things Are”

        Ha ha ha ha!

        Hilarious! Thanks Michelle.

  6. 26
    mary

    I absolutely disagree that if the nice guy pulled away he would be more attractive. He is ‘boring’ he just is not it for her. I had a very successful 11 year marriage and we were madly in love most of the 11 years and he never pulled away. He made sure to be near. I couldn’t fall asleep with out him. Don’t play games with people. Be yourself generally and there will be a spark or not! Also b.s. on the statement the ones you want don’t want you and the ones that want you are not attractive. No. Not true. Sometimes it’s just timing. Or personality, or a political view.
    Never assume when trying a new relationship with someone you need to play some sort of keep away game!!!!
    .

    1. 26.1
      XLNTMOMMY

      Yess..!
      Game playing is a sign of emotional immaturity and being upfront saves time and heartbreak for both people.. I don’t hav the time or ~energy~ to worry about what people think about me.. yes I want to not hurt the feelings of someone I’m with, but I find most people appreciate directness, openness, and honesty more than anything else. Discretion and diplomacy comes with How you say these things.. but Do say it if it’s important.. however, this is digressing with semantics here..
        
        BOTTOM LINE: If you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it.
        Stop trying to fit the square peg into the round hole and move on. If having a loving relationship is a true priority to you, you WILL find him. Promise.
        Good Luck, sweeti ..
        
        ~MOMMY
        

  7. 27
    Gaz

    But seriously what the poster says about the guy is disrespectiveful she l meet a bad un next who ll tap her n leave her then she ll be moanin for   good guy again lol.   its a cycle your incapable of breaking but which ukeep feeding.   you talk about challenges n stuff geez get a hobbie get a life then enjoy your time with sumone not testing them lolzzzzzz

  8. 28
    Rico

    I too treated a woman very well who had two kids and she dumped me slept with a bad boy.. dumped him and hooked up with another guy that worshipped her.    MY Question To WOMEN who are very attractive and Get Lots Of Attention From men is:   have you ever really clicked with a man that treated you like a queen and dated him long term?

    1. 28.1
      Karmic Equation

      Not sure about other women, but treating me well is only part of the equation, not all of it. The guy has to be attractive (to me at least) and confident. If a guy treats me like a queen but I don’t find him sexually appealing, it doesn’t matter how well he treats me. And if he’s attractive but not confident, he doesn’t stay attractive for long in my eyes. (Had one date with a guy like that. Asked me multiple times if I thought he was cute and if I liked him. He was cut, but each time he asked, he got exponentially less cute.)
        
      I think you can equate this to men dating “crazy” but hot women. Sure, most men want sane women for the long term, but she has to be attractive to him. And if she is hot (equivalent to bad boy for women), most men will cope with some amount of crazy (equivalent to some amount of “bad boy”). But if she’s stark raving mad and/or controlling and/or over dramatic, he’s out, like SHE should be out if he’s treating her badly. But some women can’t leave a guy even when he’s treating her badly because she’ll try to “change” him. Most women want to be “the one” that reforms a bad boy. Men know you can’t change “crazy” so they either put up (until the novelty of sex with her wears off) or get out as soon as they can’t deal with the crazy.

    2. 28.2
      a girl

      I’ve just started dating a nice guy very much like that. I often get attention from hot players/”bad boys” but as I for example would only sleep with a guy I love and trust I stay away from them but in the past i’ve given my heart to men who aren’t necessarily players (although one of them cheated) but who’s had issues and needed lots of work and it’s been very draining to try to “fix” them all the time and not get much in return for it. I think many women are like i’ve been though and they like when there’s a challenge like if a man is damaged somehow or if he’s a player because many women wanting the same man gives the impression that he’s desirable and therefore a catch regardless of his character and if he can be fixed you believe you are special for having fixed him and the relationship will be stronger than any other. It never works that way in reality though. I believe all I (and other women) can do is to give a serious, good guy a fair chance and see if it’s really so awful to be with someone whos attention you don’t constantly need to fight for.

      But I think that many good guys problem is that they get too excited about a woman they like and appear as clingy, they’re super easy to get and you know exactly where you got them like a dog that you can call and he’s there but the irony is that we’re often viewed the same way by the cheating bad boys we choose to date instead. Women like men enjoy a bit of a challenge. The latest good guy I lost I considered clingy and saw as someone who was always there when I called so I was shocked when he met someone else and ditched me for good and not until then did I realize the mistake i’d made. I see that as good for him though… You shouldn’t hang after someone who doesn’t appreciete you because there is always someone else who will. It taught me to always give someone a chance while I still have their interest, “nice guys” may be what many settle for in the end but that is for a reason… They’re relationship-material, not some cool hottie to show off who will never be yours alone.

      Love is very misinterpreted! I’m learning that myself. It’s about things much deeper than looks.

  9. 29
    Shade

    It’s not rocket science. If you aren’t into the guy then leave him. Stop playing with his feelings. And I am sure another woman with some common sense would take the guy. If he bores you why keep him around? Why not suggest some things? What type of excitement is needed?
    If I had a nice woman doing those things for me how the hell would I complain? What girls try to do is change guys that are bad and disrespect them. People change themselves. I know so many of my aunts and cousins who had at least 3 great guys in their lives and they found the smallest reasons to pick at them. And now some of them are bitter and lonely or in a delusional marriage.

    Guys are held responsible for a lot of things they do and don’t do. It’s like women want us to tackle lions and stuff. I mean agree. Nobody wants a doormat. But if a respectful and nice, that’s just it. I’m a nice guy myself. I’m not into treating women all screwed up. But I am far from a doormat–and many have tested me and lost.   I have wised up and learned how to not be on the back burner and an orbiter. people have the right to like what they like is what I say. But I tell you, age does get old. And when you are on the other side of 30, single mom, screwed a few guys, those “nice” decent guys will start to look good.   And when the single moms start saying: he’s gotta be this, and that, and this. I just shake my head. Because every kid you have your value goes down. And if you got a guy writing you letters, being somewhat chivalrous, you need to wake up. But what I came to notice as my 6 yrs of dating. Women do not know what they exactly want until they get too old or have kids.   Yes physical attraction is important. That’s a given. But to nit pick at every small thing the good guy does, and then make every excuse on why to keep the bad guy, it’s pretty self-explanatory on how your date life will end up.  

    1. 29.1
      Hatoraid

      Amen. Its sad that society has gotten to into a state where humility, loyalty and a “good guy” label is frowned upon and looked at as boring and not a challenge. How stupid. I have never been into a woman and got “bored” because she wasnt “challenging” enough. that’s called playing games. And any women, no matter the age that has this type of thibking is highly immature, unnappreciative and is light years away from knowing what TRUE love is. Relationdhips require hard work, effort, patience and love. These type of women who get “bored” witha good guy disgust me. The reason you are bored is because you have a deeply flawed idea if what a relationship and reality is.

    2. 29.2
      Tina

      with each child a woman has, their value goes down?

       

      And what of the men that have ALSO produced these children, and then left them with the mother? I suppose these are the ‘nice guys’, with no baggage, whose value just continues to grow the older and more experienced they get?

    3. 29.3
      Adreana

      Shade, most men consider themselves “nice”. The problem with most nice guys is that they aren’t compelety honest with themselves or others. They could be seething with anger and resentment, but they act like they’re completely fine around their coworkers or women. Instead being being upfront ( without being a dick), they go home and vent on blogs or to their dog.

      “But I tell you, age does get old. And when you are on the other side of 30, single mom, screwed a few guys, those “nice” decent guys will start to look good”.

      If most nice guys are real with themselves, they’ll admit they hit on women way out of their league. Once these guys “hit the wall” they are more willing to give nice, regular girls a chance. I’m not saying you’re one of those guys, but it’s something I observed.

       

  10. 30
    Matty

    I was married to a man for 16 years who said to me “you know what your problem is? You are too nice, nobody likes nice”…Previous to his comment I tried very hard to convince him it’s important for us to try an activity together or just be alone without the kids once a week, but he complained that if I want to hire a sitter weekly just to go out then I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant. He was the boring one and then he became verbally abusive. So, take my advice, misery will never work into a great relationship, so you are not selfish, it’s just that he is not your match. Don’t date boring guys or “too nice” because you will only break his heart down the road. Date your type which is the adventurous type with “living in the moment” attitude without a plan.

  11. 31
    Grace

    What a bunch of selfish assholes in the world… only concerned with having the right partner rather than being the right partner. If I were a man, I’d think this women wasn’t worth my time. I couldn’t give a damn about how beautiful, strong, or independent she is. She lacks conviction.

    And how about keeping your pants on until you figure out whether or not your interests, core values, relationship expectations, and long-term goals are in alignment? That might do you some good.

    Stop fucking every guy you date.  

    1. 31.1
      Melody

      Good advice.

  12. 32
    Wendy

    I think the key statement here is:
    “He is completely into me.”

    What of HIMSELF does he bring to the relationship? Or is it all about YOU?

    I’m engaged to a great listener, after a long relationship with a lousy one with whom I felt abandoned. He’s pretty good at feedback, and keeping the conversation going. But when I’m done talking about my day, my interests, the new things I’m doing… he doesn’t have much to say. He goes into his usual “kind mode”, tells me how he loves me, how great I am. This isn’t shallow flattery. This is who he is. He is very very kind, and very very loyal, and helpful, and all those other good things.

    But he doesn’t do a lot else than get swallowed into me, however much I encourage him to NOT make me the center of his life. (Interestingly, he also has a history of “psychos”.)

    This guy sounds the same way.

    I can have this comfort for the rest of my life. But I also know that any new excitement in this relationship is going to have to come from ME. Am I ready for that? Maybe, as I’m good at constantly finding new things, and I’m quite independent also. Maybe it will be enough to come home to great hugs, a good listener, good dinner (he also does all the cooking!!)… to come home to a …. mirror of me.

    I have another three months to decide…

  13. 33
    Sergio

    Ok so after reading all of these posts about…”i was with a nice guy and he bored me….” or “lust and love have to be an equal part of the equation”…look here is the hard truth…LOVE IS NOT REAL….its basically a temporary madness that occurs when two people are ATTRACTED to each other and then eventually fades away….Nice guys generally have a harder time with women because they tend to be..well…nice. The bad boys have a clear monopoly over women because they are generally better looking and they are more narcissistic and impulsive which most women misinterpret as confidence and strong charisma. But then they are left in shambles because the bad boy will always find a hotter girl and nothing will stop them because they know the hotter girl will be as crazy about them as the previous conquest. So yeah…basically women and nice guys are screwed…sorry…

    1. 33.1
      Karmic Equation

      You’re wrong, Sergio. LOVE exists. UNCONDITIONAL love (outside of parental love for their children) is what doesn’t exist.

      Romantic love SHOULD be conditional. Should anyone stay in an abusive relationship? No.

      Romantic love should be conditioned on the other partner’s willingness and effort to maintain and grow the relationship in a healthy way. Once either party starts shirking their responsibility to the health of their relationship, the affected party needs to make some difficult decisions and have the courage to walk away.

  14. 34
    Starz

    Here’s a twist to my story…met my boyfriend(father of my daughter and has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship) from an STD dating site. We were diagnosed with herpes. (Tmi but so far we haven’t had any outbreaks since our first outbreak, thank God.) We dated for 6 months, he was a nice guy, I was attracted but not the physical type I would usually go for. Within those 5 months, he asked me 3 times to be his girlfriend, each time I wasn’t sure and kept saying I wasn’t ready for a relationship, as I was still in love (head over heels) with my Ex (good guy, super attracted, personal trainer, entrepreneur, challenged me) and heartbroken (because of the herpes news) in that 6 yr relationship. By the 6th month (although I was not fully over my Ex) I decided to give him a shot. By month 8, I got pregnant and basically moved in with him. I have been with him for almost 2.5 years. Long story short, since day one he’s been a home body: cooks, cleans, washes clothes, works full time and also watches the kids when I go out with the girls or to the gym. When we’re out he’s social but at home he just sits on the couch and watches tv all day. He’s not into sports or any other activities although if I plan an outting with the kids or just us he’s fine with going for the most part. The sex is good but I’ve had better. Now this may sound all good, and it is but I just don’t feel like he brings the best out in me. He’s not the brightest star in the sky but has some decent common sense. I just feel bored at times. He’s not interested in doing anything other than watch movies all damn day or go out IF I plan it. Intellectual conversations and spontaneity is not something he’s into, opposit of me. We’re the epitome of introvert v. extrovert. I have love for him but not in love head over heels and often question the future with him (at times he can make immature comments, turn off). Am I being selfish for feeling this way? I also don’t want to separate my family just because he can be boring and not add much when it comes to growing together in a relationship. It just feels as though I’m doing alot to stay interested and he’s doing a whole lot of nothing. Fyi I’m 28 and he’s 31. If I decide to break things off, it’ll be very challenging to find someone else like him (minus the introvert) given my situation + a child. Bottom line: I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

    1. 34.1
      Truth

      Another modern woman who is just incapable of being satisfied and doesn’t know what she wants. You have a kid and incurable STD and you still think you have the right to be choosy AT ALL when it comes to a guy. Amazing!

    2. 34.2
      Kyra

      It sounds like you’ve settled for less than you need and/or deserve due to your circumstances: HSV and a child. You shouldn’t do that. Dating as a single parent is hard. Dating with herpes is even harder. There are also men with HSV seeking loving partners. There are men who are single parents or want an instant family for one reason or another. You will have to put in some serious work to find and meet men like this, but we’re all here because we have one characteristic or another that is keeping us on the single’s list

      If this man is a decent man, but doesn’t add excitement, intellectual stimulation, maturity, activities, great sex or anything else that makes you feel truly happy and excited to be in the relationship  you’re simply staying with him to be a “nice person,” not ruffle any feathers and hide from the difficulties of dating in your circumstance(s).

      I wouldn’t listen to anyone attempting to speak some sort of whack a** “truth” by telling you that you should just be satisfied with what you have, especially if what you have does not make you truly happy. You wouldn’t do that in any other area of your life (as least I hope you wouldn’t) and shouldn’t in your love life.  A good man is a good man, but if a good man isn’t the right man, you should let him go so he can be the right man for another woman and YOU can begin the journey of finding the right man for you.

      As a single mom and an individual with HSV (I have HSV 1, so I know how difficult it can be in the dating scene) it will be hard, but it won’t be impossible. But, dating is hard for almost all of us, so you’ll have company on the road to righting your romantic life.

  15. 35
    lol crazy

    This entire response confirmed by the final words, was the longest nicest way of telling her she is crazy I’ve ever seen. She has what she wants but doesn’t want it cuz it doesn’t not want her. lmao sounds coco for cocopuffs, she wants the kind of guy she can have a reason to push away! These girls (and I say girls purposely) are not women they are girls living adult lives. A real woman grows out of this frame of thinking especially when she has children. Do you want your children to grow up with out a father figure or to grow and chase after the same worthless men you have had so far? Their is more at steak here than you childish vanity.

  16. 36
    Britney

    I hate when guys pounce on girls who want “nice guys”, but then dump them. Lemme explain something here: we DO want nice guys. Every bad guy treats us like crap and a person can only take so much of that; so when we’re over it, we never want to deal with that again. We’re not intrigued by jerks, we don’t like emotional pain. What we DO like is chemistry.
    Chemistry. That indefinable spark that can turn friends to lovers, and a relationship to new heights. Chemistry: it’s there or it’s not.
    Women have a 6th sense in picking up on it. For women, sex is very emotional, and if we’re not feeling it, it’s just an act. Guys don’t really mind too much if sex is good, bad, whatever (good sex is preferable, but some sex is better than none, right?) Women don’t see it like that. And, because society tells us to be sweet, don’t hurt people’s feelings and be people pleasers in general, we pull away. Trouble is, you guys can’t ever take a hint. You think we’re playing “hard to get”. Ooh, fun, the game is afoot! Chase is on!
    No, no, no. We didn’t like you and don’t want to sleep with you because we feel nothing. Take the last guy I dated: looked great on paper, but I couldn’t get him to converse with me. Dinner felt like an interview with yes and no answers. I’m Diane Sawyer and his lawyer’s not present. Total dial tone. After giving up on trying to talk about him, I go quiet for a full 10 minutes while he gulps his food, then we head to the movies, then I go home. Next day, he asks to go for coffee. I decide to give him another chance. Same thing. One final date- we go bar hopping, still no convo, no sexy gazes, nothing. I go home ready to write this off, and he’s driving me crazy! Texts, calls, begging to see me. WHY? WHY?! I repeat my question, WHY?! Can’t he see there’s nothing there? Neither one of us excited or even having fun. But, the more aloof I get, the worse he is about chasing. And, this is after having drunk sex on our third date I really regretted, so I know it isn’t that he “didn’t score”. No, I don’t like him, so he’s going to work to MAKE me like him. Eventually, I’ll have to tell him not interested, and no matter how gently I do it, he’ll twist it to his friends to make me seem like a b*#@% who led him on. Get some clues, guys.

    1. 36.1
      Stacy2

      I am sorry, but let me get this straight: you went out with him 3 times and had sex with him and you want him to get a clue that you’re NOT into him?

      No wonder some men are so frustrated with the whole dating thing.

      1. 36.1.1
        Fido

        This comment make me laugh..thanks.

  17. 37
    Shade

    I forgot that I answered this article a long time ago. Lol
    People are seeming to confuse being introverted and extroverted with treating people wrong or right. A guy can be introverted and still treat a woman bad. It’s about the personality. Now true, if the chemistry isn’t there; then it isn’t there. But, what I have always found out is that women will often sleuth out reasons on why to NOT keep the good guy i.e. he doesn’t do too much of this, or there’s gotta be something wrong with him.
    But often, I’ll here women that have bad guys say; at least I know he’s bad–at least I can see it coming. BUT…also, predictability in a good guy is seen as boring.

    What is your excitement level? If your excitement threshold is high, then it would not make sense for you to stay with a person who does not satisfy it. You cannot change people–people change themselves.

    In many cases though I have personally seen women make every excuse in the book on why they want to keep the bad guy around (and in some cases it’s: because I love him). But that is their problem. It all starts in the home. The women that go after those guys, virtually don’t know what a real man is. Because in most cases they grew up without one in the home. If a girl chooses that crazy bad guy then she is a grown woman, let her have that choice she’s entitled to–and go and get you a woman that suits you better.

    One story I got. I met a 19-year-old woman on DateHookup. The thing is that she lived 45 miles away. I had no car. No other ways of getting to her (and I clearly didn’t think it was worth it). I was about to quit the date site, and she messaged me–and without a profile picture.
    We talked a lot to eachother and shared a ton. But in the end, I cut it loose. We still talked though.

    But my gripes were that she was not aggressive enough for me. I have grown up around a strong woman; my mom. And I expected my woman to be the same. But that is unfair of me. I should like my woman for who she is regardless. The woman I met is very introverted and shy–mostly because of her family. I actually got to meet her for the first time in 3 years last week.
    It was amazing. And she was not so bad. We had a slight argument about her introvertedness.
    But then I got some sense slapped into me.
    Somebody said: She’s shy and introverted, and you don’t like it. She is who she is. You should leave her alone and stop trying to change her.

    They were right. I like her for who she is. The shy and introvertedness is something she will change herself sometimes. But who knows. Maybe I am a person that gives her confidence regarding that?

  18. 38
    Leslie G

    You have received a lot of comments and information on your question. My input to this is: if you find him boring at this point, it doesn’t usually change with time. If he is putting forth his best and you find him boring, let him go. Your not doing him any favors by spending time with him and him thinking more of this relationship than you do.

  19. 39
    Aracely Macken-Estilista

    Hola, muy bueno el post, muy util, lo compartire. Abrazos a todos

  20. 40
    Sally

    OMG… This is exactly what I’m going through right now. Perfect boyfriend, “hubby material,” never been in one fight, and he waits on me hand and foot. He is the ultimate “helper” and wants more than to “do anything for you babyyy.” I’m busy constantly by virtue of my job and he never speaks up, never gets mad at me, never even questions me. I love this because I need my independence but every day is the same – and it’s boring to me. There’s no spark on my end. He is divorced with children and I sometimes feel he talks to me the way he does his girls. For example, voicemail, “I love you babyyyys… Mmmmuah.” I just find him dorky and too nice and boring! It’s awful. I have no good reason to break up with him except that I’m not that into it. It’ll prob be the hardest breakup I’ve ever had to do. But like you said above, sounds like my “mind is already made up.” I need to listen to this! Glad to know I’m not alone.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *