Why Am I Not Attracted to Any Guys?

My sister is a beautiful, smart, and funny 29-year-old woman. She wants to get married and have a family someday, but her problem is that she’s not attracted to anyone. She’s been on maybe 60 or 70 dates and has only had two boyfriends, both of which were very short-term relationships. One of them, she broke up with because he was a great guy, but she “didn’t feel anything for him” (he’s now engaged). The second one was someone she was really attracted to, but he was wrong for her: he was an aspiring actor without a stable career and was very much below her educational level. They weren’t able to hold a proper intelligent conversation because he just didn’t understand her. He’s now married to someone else and my sister is miserable that she broke up with him because he was the only guy she was attracted to and who also loved her. 

Now, she’s at her wit’s end and feels like she’ll never like anyone again. I’m telling her that that’s not true, that I’ve had failed relationships myself and felt like I’ll never had that connection with anyone else, but have encountered other good guys and “learned to love again.” She says I’m different because I like nice guys, but she’s not attracted to guys who are sweet. The last guy she was interested in was someone who was intelligent and fun but also an arrogant jerk who ended up dumping her. I don’t know how to help her.

Do I encourage her to date someone she doesn’t feel anything for, in case she might grow to appreciate him? Should she hold out for love, not knowing when or if it’ll happen? I’ve had that thing happen, where I would feel the need for a boyfriend, date the next nice guy who liked me, and end up falling in love. She’s not like that. She can go on 20 dates with a great guy, who treats her well and not feel a thing. Please advise. 

Esther

Thanks for reaching out on behalf of your sister, Esther. It’s not easy to watch someone you love make self-sabotaging mistakes and I appreciate you wanting to look out for her.

Unfortunately, as you know, this is her battle to fight, not yours. You can’t make your Dad quit drinking or smoking. You can’t sign up your best friend with a trainer at the gym. And, in fifteen years as a dating coach, I’ve been referred by many women but rarely do they take advantage of the opportunity.

In general, they don’t think they have a problem. They think everyone else has a problem. They think you don’t understand them. They think the rules that apply to everyone else but don’t necessarily apply to them. I couldn’t be more sympathetic.

I was like that, once upon a time, when I was holding out for some mythological Rhodes Scholar/TopChef/Supermodel who was also a liberal, East Coast, Jewish atheist. That’s what I was attracted to! That’s what I liked! Why should I SETTLE for less?

That’s how I ended up writing this article for Match called Last Single Guy Standing. I was 34 at the time and this is a sad, semi-self-aware look at how someone can give sound dating advice for a living and still not figure things out for himself.

Fortunately, I continued to learn as a coach, listen to some of the things I was telling other people, and figure out how to apply them to myself.

I met my wife less than a year later. That was 11 years ago.

So, Sister, if you’re reading, allow me to share with you directly and compassionately:

  1. You’ll like someone else again. Promise.
  2. Don’t listen to your caring sister about dating someone you don’t feel anything for. That’s a recipe for disaster.
  3. Consider that there is a wide spectrum for attraction (not everyone can be a 1 or a 10.) I tend to recommend 6-7 in attraction to start (so that it grows even further), but never to start with NO attraction.
  4. If you’re ONLY attracted to hot guys who treat you like crap and refuse to consider men who treat you well, it’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. The solution lies within you.

If you want to live a long, happy life, you find a way to train your palate to make these appealing.

Someone may still the urge to smoke/drink/eat unhealthy foods, but if they’re on a healthier path, they ignore the temptation and substitute better habits. No one will argue that cranberry and soda gives a worse buzz than a vodka cranberry. No one will argue that steak and ice cream may be more pleasing than chicken and broccoli. But you know what? If you want to live a long, happy life, you find a way to train your palate to make these appealing. And if that sounds awful to you, because you insist on eating steak and ice cream three times a day even though there are no documented examples of it leading to a healthy existence, that is your prerogative. All your sister and I can do is wish you the best of luck.

But I don’t think that’s what you want.

You are 29 and have the capacity to change your own destiny.

I’m glad to help you if you’re open to being helped.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 1
    ames

    Has she considered her sister might be gay and unwilling to admit or is unaware of it? As a bi woman I’ve dated mostly men because there’s a lot more single men than queer women available but I remember jealousy in middle school that boys got to marry pretty girls who smelled like Baby Soft body spray and wore lip gloss. Meanwhile the boys were challenging each other who could lick the grossest item at school. When’s the last time you heard jokes about women with skid marks in underwear? But I grew up and found SOME guys smell good and aren’t icky, they’re pleasant and sensitive. Perhaps she’s attracted to men who are super pretty because she’s more drawn to beauty than handsomeness. If a matter of having high demands of attractiveness she’ll need to work to look and behave like the caliber of man she’s chasing. Determine what that kind of guy would want in a woman. Either way I hope she looks within and it brings her to the partner that will make a happy life with her.

  2. 2
    Olongapo

    she’s not attracted to guys who are sweet.”  

    Her hypergamy is on steroids right now and she’s hitting the wall.  No amount of reason is going to change her mind.  The “Bad Boys” will give her strong, intelligent, children and her ovaries are screaming for good genetic material.  It’s affecting her decision making.  I predict that in a couple of years after not being able to lock down her genetic celebrity, she’ll begin to cast a wider net and eventually “settle”  for some nice guy that will be good provider material.  He’ll be “acceptable”, and she’ll put on her game face and do the best she can in terms of faking desire while the Alphas that spoilt her, disappear in the the distance with younger and hotter women.

    This marriage has a 50% chance of exploding at the 4, 7, 10, or 24 year mark even if Mr. Nice maintains his abs and earning power.  She can’t help it because she’ll be “unhappy” for any multitude of reasons that all share a common underlying theme of “no tingles.”

    It’s nearly impossible to “tame” these guys and if she accidentally locks an Alpha down and he becomes a dutiful husband, father, protector, and provider, she’ll start getting all wistful because he turned into a “nice guy”.

    True?

    However………I think that no problem is insolvable and perhaps some work with a noted dating coach who works specifically with women, may help her re-assess her current approach (it ain’t working, is it?).  My suggestion to you as her sister, is to buy her a gift certificate for a one-on-one consultation  with Mr. Katz.  Seriously.  She’s not going to hear it from you nor is going to believe any Reddit forum.  I think Evan is skilled enough to engage her and plant some questions in her head that will bypass the hormones.

    I wish her well.  You don’t know how many middle-aged women I know who could’ve used his services and a wake-up call.  Gotta work for contentedness.

     

    1. 2.1
      sylvana

      But you just described the “bypass the hormones” scenario. She’ll use logic and her brain, settle for some good provider, then do her best to pretend any sort of sexual interest in him for however long their marriage might last.

      She doesn’t need a dating coach to reach that conclusion herself. And it still won’t fix the underlying problem: namely – that she will feel zero to extremely low attraction to a guy that she absolutely knows is good for her.

    2. 2.2
      Julie

      Mr. Olongapo,

      Enough with the PUA talking points.  I am sick and tired of these illogical, misogynistic statements disguised as “nuggets of wisdom.” Can you think for yourself for once instead of reciting from a keyboard warrior-in-daddy’s-basement blog posts? Here’s an idea…  maybe Sis just doesn’t understand how the whole dating process works? Maybe failure in the dating world has more to do with family dynamics and unhealthy examples set for us as children that bleed subconsciously into our adult dating life instead of simplistically being pumped and dumped by those irresistible “Alphas”?

      If, according to PUA logic, Sis was driven by Hypergamy, she wouldn’t have dated her ex-boyfriend who had a struggling career and thus no money.  Money = status = Hypergamy.  In a similar vein, aren’t broke, thuggish criminals also known to be “Alphas” in your world?  Hard to be “leader of the pack” and provide security (Hypergamy) when you can’t hold down a job and are coming in-n-out of the pokey. Only in the Manosphere will you find billionaires and street thugs given the same “Alpha” rating.  Perfectly logical.

      Sadly, even Evan has succumbed to this warped, entitled way of thinking. I remember reading in a previous post that he claimed to have “settled” with his wife because of her age.  Umm, maybe I could see that if she were 10 years older than him as opposed to her actual 2-3 years.  I’ve never heard a woman say she compromised on her search for a husband by marrying someone 2-3 years older.  Most people, of both sexes, would laugh at that statement.

      And let’s finish by talking about Sexual Market Value.  I’m officially pushing 40.  A number waaaaaaaaaay past smacking my wrinkly, harpy face into that darn Wall.  And yet I have received 7000 likes on Tinder from attractive, successful men of all ages and socio-economic backgrounds… in 3 weeks.  Within the PUA mindset, that accomplishment should defy the laws of physics!  What else can I say?  Poor cock-carousal me.  Let the market speak for itself.

      1. 2.2.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Since my name was invoked:

        “Sadly, even Evan has succumbed to this warped, entitled way of thinking. I remember reading in a previous post that he claimed to have “settled” with his wife because of her age. Umm, maybe I could see that if she were 10 years older than him as opposed to her actual 2-3 years. I’ve never heard a woman say she compromised on her search for a husband by marrying someone 2-3 years older. Most people, of both sexes, would laugh at that statement.”

        This only illustrates the limits of writing 750 word pieces on the internet. I don’t blame you, Julie, but if you’re a regular reader and a consumer of my products/programs and coaching, you would well know that I did not “settle” for my wife. My revelation is that when I was dating her, I THOUGHT I was giving up something important – something that was anchored in my head, but it turns out that I wasn’t. My advice to women is the same: there’s a difference between settling and compromising, and you can tell based on how you FEEL in the relationship. I have the happiest marriage I know, so I’m quite sure I didn’t settle…but 11 years ago, when I thought I should be with someone younger (to have 2 children, that’s a very practical consideration), or more intellectual, or more ambitious…well, sure I wrestled with it. But I came out on top. And you can, too, if you go deeper instead of taking things out of context to turn an ally (me) into an enemy (a PUA).

        1. Julie

          Evan,

          I never called you a PUA.  And to be fair, the expectation of men marrying younger (a male Hypergamy if you will) has been around long before the term PUA was ever invented. I am simply pointing out that marrying someone who is essentially your own age is not compromising.  The question is why do men feel entitled to date younger women? That’s like saying a woman should be entitled to marrying someone who is rich, but in the end compromised by marrying someone who made the same amount of money as she did.  Women shouldn’t feel entitled to wealth, like men shouldn’t feel entitled to youth.   Just because you can attract wealthy or more fertile partners, doesn’t necessarily mean that if you don’t, you’re automatically compromising.

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          If you’re a man in his late 30s who wants to have 2 or 3 kids and you marry someone in her late 30’s, you ARE compromising.

          I compromised – and I won – got two biological kids at age 41 and 42 and 11 months. We are very fortunate. I would not judge any man who says he wants to date women under 35 to avoid the same fertility issues that we had (2 miscarriages, 2 chemical pregnancies, and a fibroid surgery, in addition to the two pregnancies my wife carried to term over 4 years)

          This is entirely different than the men who are 52 and won’t date 52-year-old women. If you can’t acknowledge that, we don’t have much to talk about.

          Finally, you’re muddying the terms. Women who make six figures aren’t ENTITLED to marry someone who makes more. But they usually PREFER it (just as men PREFER younger women) And so, yes, for wealthy women to consider dating men who make less IS a compromise – a difficult and sometimes necessary compromise that she may have to make. Same way men who strike out dating younger may want to open up to women their own age. But make no mistake, it IS a compromise on what they originally desired in a partner.

          You SETTLE your way into misery. You COMPROMISE your way into happiness. That’s an important lesson that anyone would be well served to learn.

        3. Yet Another Guy

          @Julie

          The question is why do men feel entitled to date younger women?

          You do know that the whole age-gap dating thing is initiated by women when they are younger?  Teenage girls and then young women do not want to date boys and then young men their own age. They want to date older boys and men.  It is women, not men who desire to change horses with respect to age-gap dating later in life. Men are just being patternistic.  I am willing to bet that you dated men who were older than you by at least two years until you were well into your thirties.

        4. sylvana

          Considering a woman takes tremendous risks, and is guaranteed to sustain severe physical damage during pregnancy and birth, I’d say a man better be ready to compromise if he still plans on having children at that age.

          Wanting a younger women does not make him any more valuable as a breeder. His sperm count decreases as he ages, mobility and speed of sperm decrease as he ages, and the risk of birth defects increases the older the man is, as well.

          My advise to both women and men would be to not consider it so much of a “compromise” to pick someone of equal breeding value if you still insist on having children that late in life.

        5. sylvana

          YAG,

          I’ve only observed that in young women who are either already gold-diggers, or planning on being gold-diggers. The majority of young women I’ve ever seen or encountered tend to date within around 5 years of their own age up or down.

          It’s a bit of a male fantasy to have all these young chicks sexually attracted to older men. But it tends to be the exception. Shoot, most of the 20-25 year olds I’m around right now consider people over 30 to be ancient, and are totally grossed out by men over 30 coming on to them.

        6. Really?

          I don’t even know why I’m bothering, but…are you as understanding of women who don’t want to date anyone over 35?  At your age of nearly 43 when your last child was born, you were just 2 years away from the age where your old sperm were 25x more likely to produce a bipolar child, 2x more likely to produce a schizophrenic child, higher likelihood of autism or ADHD?  Seems like you conveniently ignore that but many women understandably say no thanks to that.

        7. Evan Marc Katz

          First of all, my WIFE was nearly 43 when she gave birth for the last time. I was 40.

          Next, I am aware. It’s just a false equivalent, that’s all. Here’s the reason – and it’s fact based, not gender based. In other words, I’m not attacking you. I’m pointing out why women’s advanced maternity age is a greater factor for everybody involved.

          The absolute risk of having a child with autism is low even for the oldest parents. The researchers in the 2017 study calculated that about 1.5 percent of children born to parents in their 20s will have autism, compared with about 1.58 percent of children born to parents in their 40s.”

          So if women are debating whether to marry a man who is 44, they increase their chances of having an autistic child by .08. If women are debating whether to have children at 44, they decrease their chance of having a baby by 80%.

          To suggest that these have the same impact is either fallacious or disingenuous.

      2. 2.2.2
        Olongapo

        @Julie

        A little triggered are we?

        7000 likes on Tinder is impressive. This is quite the accomplishment. I wish you luck with that.

      3. 2.2.3
        Shaukat

        “Within the PUA mindset, that accomplishment should defy the laws of physics!  What else can I say?”

        Lol, are you kidding, it doesn’t defy anything. It’s tinder. I guarantee many of those guys see you as an easy lay due to your age. Not trying to be mean, just saying how it is.

        1. Julie

          Thanks, Olongapo!  That’s a very nice thing of you to say.  I’m still overwhelmed by all the options since I logged on 3 weeks ago.

          Shaukat, I guess the decent men that I’ve already met over coffee who told me they want to settle down and have kids kinda goes against your whole “easy lay” theory, doesn’t it?  Surprisingly, Tinder is mainstream now and has become the new Match.  But you would already know that if you were active on the site. Haters gonna hate…

        2. Marika

          To be fair, Shaukat, I think Julie was just speaking to the mindset often seen on here (not you) that women above 30 may as well give up on ever having a man interested in them and 29 year old’s better rush into marriage yesterday to avoid the ‘wall’. Which is ridiculous, unhelpful and patently untrue.

      4. 2.2.4
        Shaukat

        @Julie,

        I have used tinder, I know it’s mainstream, and I didn’t say every gut you meet from there would simply be after sex. However, you are deluded if you actually believe that all 7000 likes you received represent viable dating options given your age. Unless of course the men liking you are all 65-70, but even then.

        1. Sandra

          65-70 is a viable dating option for a 40 yr old woman? Since when?  Medieval arranged marriages?

      5. 2.2.5
        Yet Another Guy

        @Julie

        And yet I have received 7000 likes on Tinder from attractive, successful men of all ages and socio-economic backgrounds… in 3 weeks.  Within the PUA mindset, that accomplishment should defy the laws of physics!  What else can I say?  Poor cock-carousal me.  Let the market speak for itself.

        Being swiped right on Tinder is a poor example of desirability, as the “Tinder Effect” is well documented.

        From page 3 of https://arxiv.org/pdf/1607.01952.pdf

        Next,  we  ask  if  there  is  a  noticeable  difference  in  the popularity  of  our  male  and  female  profiles,  as  measured  by matching and messaging rates. Figure 2 shows the percentage of  matches  obtained  across  our  various  stock  profiles.  This confirms a stark contrast. Our male profiles like a large number of other users, but only match with a  small minority (0.6%). The opposite can be  seen for our female profiles, who attain a far higher matching rate (10.5%).

        This difference in matching rates is known as the “Tinder Effect.”  Unlike women who only swipe men in whom they are truly interested, men swipe most women to the right and then determine who they actually want to meet after matching with a woman.  This practice causes women to become even more selective when swiping because they have so many matches.  However, most of the matches a women receives are not true matches.  They are the result of men being non-selected during the swiping process and then becoming selective after a match is made.  The Tinder Effect is so pervasive that Tinder places limits on the number of women a man is shown if he is swiping too many to the right.  The fact that men swipe most women to the right and still only receive a 0.6% match rate demonstrates the dysfunctionality of the Tinder Effect.

         

         

      6. 2.2.6
        sylvana

        Julie,

        thank you so much for that statement about Alphas! I also get so sick and tired of having everyone think of the selfish, no-good “bad boys” and losers being referred to as Alphas. Absolutely ridiculous. Same goes for people who’ll step over bodies to get what they want. Also not Alphas. And Alpha is a trusted leader. And, as such, carries tremendous responsibility.

        …instead of simplistically being pumped and dumped by those irresistible “Alphas”?

        This made me laugh. Love it. I’m very tired of the general assumption that we’re chasing only hot guys, bad boys, the richest, most educated, etc. In this letter, the first boyfriend described doesn’t seem to meet any of this criteria. She just stated that the attraction was high, not that is was because he was hot, etc. For the second, she listed him as intelligent and fun, but also arrogant. Once again, no mention of hot, bad boy, rich, etc. I know this was the sister writing in, but still. If the men were all hot or rich, I’m sure this would have been mentioned before attributes like intelligent and fun.

        And the mention of “not attracted to sweet men” made me pause. I can see nice and kind, solid, supportive. But sweet, on its own, tends to be a way to describe a more soft and submissive kind of man. That might be the sister’s problem. Very few women are attracted to those.

      7. 2.2.7
        Tron Swanson

        Julie,

        Let me start off by saying that, while, I’m not a PUA–I think they’re ridiculous, I’d never expend that much effort on women–I’m a MGTOW. Everything is tribal, now, so please slot me into the appropriate love/hate box, based on my declared identity. Also, for the record, we’re the same age. Now then:

        1. I’ve been looking for women–sex–online for about twenty years, now. The whole time, I messaged women ranging from my (then) age to your (now) age, including “older” women because I thought there’d be less demand. I was right; it was a surprisingly successful strategy.

        2. But, as your experience makes clear, “The Wall” is overrated by the manosphere. It eventually hits, but many women can hold out until their late forties. I’ve seen unattractive women fifteen years younger than me, and attractive women in their mid-forties. The “You’re thirty, your life is over” mindgames that (usually traditional) men play on women are cruel and barbaric. They just want people to feel pressured to get married and have kids.

        3. And then there’s the issue of demand. Yes, remotely-attractive women are always in demand, whether they’re 20 or 40. This is why no one should ever say that men and women have it equally hard; women have a vast menu to choose from, while men are out scrounging for whatever we can find. Thank you for sharing how much attention you get–it’ll help to justify the arguments of many men like me.

        4. You’re right that manosphere ideas are spreading. Culture, politics, you name it. I’m glad I’m not a woman. Oh, you’ll always find men to take care of you–most of us are desperate for sex and not very bright–but the pool is going to get a bit thinner, I think. You can see it happening already, really. I’m sure you’ll be fine, but your less attractive and/or baggage-having friends may not be as lucky.

  3. 3
    sylvana

    Unless it truly is just about looks or a “bad boy” thing, she’s not likely to ever find happiness. You might be able to talk your brain into changing attraction to those. But otherwise, it is what it is.

    There are actually quite a few women out there (generally with high sex drives with no emotional connection needed, definitely not gay, and NOT focused on hot guys or certain looks, bad boys, or just unavailable men) who only find one or two men in the span of a year to three years so much as remotely attractive. There was an older post on this blog where a lot of those women chimed in.

    A lot of those women (myself included) were actually attracted to nice, good men of all body shapes and sizes and looks. The problem was that there were so few of them we were attracted to, and we encountered them so rarely, that the chances of meeting one who is available AND interested back are extremely slim.

    While I hope this woman is different, it’ll likely come down to her having to make the decision whether she’ll be able to find enough contentment in a marriage with a good partner she’s not really attracted to. Or whether she needs to just move on with her life. It usually boils down to how badly she wants to have kids with a supportive husband (or at all).

    It’s disappointing, but there are worse fates in life.

    1. 3.1
      Marika

      You’re an optimist, right? 😉

      1. 3.1.1
        sylvana

        Marika,

        hahaha! What gave it away?

    2. 3.2
      Tom10

      “It usually boils down to how badly she wants to have kids with a supportive husband (or at all).”
       
      Bingo.
       
      The same could be said for all of us; how badly do we want to achieve our goal? And usually; it’s simply that we just don’t want to achieve our goal badly enough. If we did we’d find a way to just get on with it and get it done.
       
      That said, I wonder if the OP might consider speaking to an endocrinologist and whether a libido booster might make more guys appealing? Although 29 is probably a bit young to be looking into that. I dunno…

      1. 3.2.1
        sylvana

        Tom10,

        if the goal is children, then yes. But if it’s just to have a relationship with someone you like, love, as well as are attracted to, you might actually have to change your goal in order to achieve it. (which pretty much means you’re not actually achieving your goal)

        The one thing I have found a lot of the women who claim they’re rarely attracted to any man seem to have in common is, believe or not, actually a rather high to extremely high sex drive. Usually coupled with very little to no need of emotional connection. I’m beginning to think that maybe we should do the opposite – try to lower our libido.

        I’m suspecting that maybe the high drive to mate might actually focus our attraction on sexual value, rather than relationship value. Basically, we’re instinctively drawn to the perfect sex partner, or at least someone who’ll be a great match in bed. And – while other qualities are wonderful – they won’t be enough to keep us happy in the long run, or even make us happy to begin with. Hence, they get dismissed by the attraction meter.

        But you do have a great point. And I don’t think her being only 29 makes a difference. There is a lot of discussion about this on the asexual boards.

    3. 3.3
      Noquay

      Agree with you. She needs to move on. Even if she “settles” with a nice guy and good provider, she isn’t going to feel it. How fair is it to the poor guy who, unless he’s totally clueless, has a spouse who just isn’t into him and nothing he can do can change that.

      1. 3.3.1
        sylvana

        Noquay,

        very true. No one deserves that.

  4. 4
    Jeremy

    While the problem here could have many etiologies, essentially it boils down to one of two problems:  A problem with the sexual “on” switch or a problem with the sexual “off” switch.  On this site, I read many comments from people with “on” switch problems.  Dopamine seekers.  People who might like the security of a relationship, but also crave the experience of novelty and drama, often in repetitive forms.  They are unable to reconcile their conflicting goals because the goals come from conflicting aspects of their own personality.  If the OP’s sister is such a person, there are things she can do to help herself – but before that happens, she needs to decide which set of goals to prioritize, her dopaminergic side or her idealistic side.  And once she has made up her mind to prioritize the idealistic side, she must re-wire her brain as to whom she finds attractive BEFORE she meets such a man, not after.

     

    However, the problem might not be the sister’s “on” switch but rather her “off” switch.  She might have built psychological walls for herself to prevent herself from experiencing closeness or intimacy, or from finding a relationship that may have an actual future.  Perhaps due to some trauma. And if it is the case, only some heavy-duty counselling will help.

     

    I see more of the first type of person than the second in my circles.  Marriage isn’t for everyone.  It’s not for the man or woman with a set of irreconcilable relationship vs sexual goals.  It’s not for the person whose experiencing and remembering selves are too disparate, and who routinely prefers to prioritize their experiencing self.  It’s not for people who are unable to be attracted to relationship partners who are good for them.

    1. 4.1
      sylvana

      Jeremy,

      there you go. Spot on, again. I’m beginning to suspect the same. I would love to run an experiment to see what would happen if I actually lower my sex drive by a bunch. A whole bunch.

      My guess would be that all of a sudden, a lot more men would be attractive to me.

      That being said, I have no need for novelty or drama. The only time that comes into play is as a substitute for an unsatisfying partner. Which might be the reason why the novelty and drama crowd likes the novelty and drama haha.

    2. 4.2
      Marika

      Jeremy said:

      “It’s not for people who are unable to be attracted to relationship partners who are good for them”

      Makes sense, but didn’t you also say a person can re-wire their brain to be attracted to a person who is good for them?

  5. 5
    No Name To Give

    Sister seems kinda young to have thrown in the towel. At my age, I don’t have the emotional or mental energy to deal with drama. If I want drama I have a teenage daughter. But I’m middle aged, so according to some dudes here, how dare I impose myself on men anyway?

    1. 5.1
      Rita

      Haha, funny. Hope you’re not taking their statement personally. ‘Sis’ has to do some self-reflection work but it has to be her own choice. When she’s tired of walking alone. What first comes to mind is her preference for «jerks». She has to build up her selflove and the jerks she craves won’t be so «hot» anymore. Secondly, are they in fact jerks at all or just not that into her? Thirdly, there are not so masculine men and masculine men in this world. If she wants the latter, she needs to give them what they want which is a feminine woman when he’s with her.

      1. 5.1.1
        No Name To Give

        Well since I made the comment about myself and ONLY myself, there’s no problem.

      2. 5.1.2
        Esther

        OP here–Let me be more specific: my sister has a preference for snarky, slightly arrogant men (e.g. Sirius Black from Harry Potter), who are also fun and into things like movies and culture. The jerk I’m referring to was such a guy, but his idea of humor was sending her an article about a church collapsing and killing 16 people, and writing that that’s hilarious. Clearly not husband material.

        I don’t understand your point about “masculine men” and what it has to do with my sister; could you please elaborate?

        1. Cheryl J Winkelman

          Esther, 

          his idea of humor was sending her an article about a church collapsing and killing 16 people, and writing that that’s hilarious. Clearly not husband material.

          Yuck. Clearly not any kind of material.

        2. sylvana

          Esther,

          So basically, she’s not into the “bad boy” or the looks. That pretty much rules out the usual problems.

          And it doesn’t seem like she’s looking for particularly masculine men. (I think No Name just meant that your sister would have to show up leading with feminine energy if that’s who she likes, and this would be a rather easy fix if she’s simply not catching the interest of those men right now).

          Since you mentioned she isn’t attracted to “sweet” guys, I would assume that the ones she met are simply too soft/feminine for her. Maybe her problem is that she’s looking too far in to the “nice” guys side? We often talk about overcompensating here. Mess up with one type, then go too far the opposite way. Basically, trying to date with just logic and no attraction, instead of just attraction and no logic.

          I don’t know how she is going about dating. Maybe try to get back to a healthy middle? Look for enough attraction first, then start looking for good partner qualities among the ones she’s attracted to. Then go out with only the ones who meet both. (Like Evan recommends).

          Maybe a little shift toward more of a “bad boy” would expose her to some guys in the healthy middle.

          And yes – I would recommend she take a close look at her own sex drive as well. To see if it’s too low or too high. Both seem to make a difference.

          And – last but not least – she does need to look at possible underlying emotional issues. Past hurt, for example, can sometimes form a barrier that doesn’t allow attraction to “safe” partners. And can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

          Either way, she’s definitely not the only woman who has problems finding men she’s attracted to.

        3. Sandra

          Seems like she is attracted to the somewhat edgy but overly critical type that thinks everyone is stupid and uncultured except for them.  I think sometimes these men make women feel “special” because they are giving them the time of day.  In other words, he is saying ” you’re different than all those air-headed bimbos out there.”   These guys can be very intense and entertaining, but ultimately impossible to be around.

  6. 6
    dizzy

    I wonder if she might be demisexual. I think I may be on the spectrum, I recently found out about this term and I feel it describes me. I literally cannot look at a guy and feel any physical attraction, just I can see oh they look healthy or fit or whatever. It takes me a long time to feel a connection with someone. But then when I do, I’m having to try so hard not to jump them. Unfortunately for me these guys always see me as friends at that point (with exception of a couple who told me, unprovoked, that they only wanted to have sex with me, which I said I was not down for, I was looking for someone that was open to a relationship at some point). Online dating has been a struggle for me, I’ve never felt that connection there, I don’t know if it’s just because the men I’ve met from there are so wildly different -cough, conventional- from anyone I associate with in real life, or because there simply isn’t enough time for me to have built that connection and feel something.

    I’d suggest that she really try to do activities where she can meet guys with common interests. It might work better for her that way, and I’m at least finding, cut some of the frustration by doing something fun anyway.

  7. 7
    Lukey

    I sincerely hope she doesn’t ‘settle’ for anybody & stays lonely – because you can see what this delusional entitled twit is going to do – fool a man into marriage, then whine a few years later that she is “not haaappy” & financially destroy him in our misandrist divorce courts…

    1. 7.1
      No Name To Give

      Yoy must be a fortune teller with a crystal ball.

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