Why Chasing Attraction is a Losing Strategy in Love

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I have a guy friend who is perpetually single. He’s got everything going for him. Advanced degree. Successful. Funny. Social. Ambitious. Good values.

And yet every time I talk with him, it’s the same old story.

Another woman just broke his heart.

When I ask him for the details of the latest debacle, it usually comes down to the fact that he’s a nice, relationship oriented man, who earnestly follows through and communicates his feelings… and she’s an aloof woman who tries to consider him as a romantic partner, but ultimately would rather chase an unattainable jerk.

It’s classic, really.

But when I ask my friend what makes him fall for these emotionally unavailable women, you know what he tells me?

“I like them because they’re smart and they’re hot.”

Got it.

You can’t help what you’re attracted to. But you can acknowledge that the men you’re attracted to aren’t always good long-term relationship partners.

Objectively, wouldn’t you tell this man that perhaps “smart” and “hot” aren’t necessarily the best criteria to evaluate a lifetime romantic partner?

Of course you would.

You’d tell him to appreciate her inner beauty, her warm smile, her generosity, her sense of humor. All the things you appreciate about your own girlfriends.

Yet when you look at your own life — at your consistent pining for tall, handsome, brilliant, fascinating men — you do the exact same thing.

Worse, you defend it in the same way that my friend does:

“I can’t help what I’m attracted to!”

You’re right. You can’t help what you’re attracted to.

But you can acknowledge that the men you’re attracted to aren’t always good long-term relationship partners.

You can acknowledge that attraction can be blinding and allow you to overlook a man’s flaws for way too long.

You can acknowledge that attraction isn’t either a “10” or a “1” — that there’s usually something in between.

And you can acknowledge that, for my guy friend, his addiction to smart, hot, aloof and inaccessible women isn’t really working for him.

By the way, I’m not telling you anything that I haven’t considered in my own life.

As a man who’s been married for three years, I’ve finally started to get into a rhythm with my wife.

We’ve got a house.

We’ve got a kid.

We both work from home and spend a lot of time together.

And unless something changes, you know what we spend most of our time doing?

Working.

When we’re not working, you know what we do?

We figure out how we’re going to decorate the house.

We plan weekends out of town to visit family.

We throw dinner parties, karaoke parties, and wine tastings.

We go food shopping and make chopped salads with beets.

If 95% of your life is spent on matters that are neither “brainy” nor “sexy”, wouldn’t it make sense to find a partner who is compatible in all those other areas?

We watch “Castle” and as many minutes of “Dancing with the Stars” as I can tolerate.

We retreat to our offices where she watches funny YouTube videos and I obsessively manage my fantasy football team.

We go upstairs, wash our faces, talk about our days, tell each other we love each other, and snuggle before drifting off to sleep.

It’s a WONDERFUL life.

You know how much time we spend having sex? A couple of hours a week.

You know how much time we spend talking about string theory, or Proust, or what happens to us when we die? A lot less.

So if 95% of your life is spent on matters that are neither “brainy” nor “sexy”, wouldn’t it make sense to find a partner who is compatible in all those other areas?

Rather than finding the smartest, hottest guy imaginable who doesn’t want to throw dinner parties, doesn’t want to see your mother, doesn’t want to let you choose the furniture you want, and doesn’t want to raise a family together?

I think so.

Naturally, you have to find your partner attractive and intelligent, but he doesn’t have to be THAT attractive or THAT intelligent to have a very happy life together.

As a dating coach for 8 years, I’ve long advocated for putting compatibility on the SAME level as chemistry, instead of making chemistry the most important factor in your decision-making.

Because, as you know, you can get the smartest, hottest, tallest, richest guy in the world… and you’ll most likely discover that he’s a selfish narcissist who’s just not that into you.

Thus, there is wisdom in compromising a little on looks and brains in order to find the HAPPINESS that has eluded you when you exalt “attraction” above all.

Believe me, I did not settle.

Neither should you.

Just consider the relative importance of a chiseled jawline and a Masters degree vs. the ability to love you unconditionally and the desire to make you happy.

I think it’s clear what should win out.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    deep

    Following one of THE best advice that u give (as below) that NO ONE put out there before you. appreciate it. I practiced it and agree whole  heartedly. getting married in Oct, could not be happier. Did what u said – gave the rest a chance, found a really recent loving down to earth kind man on line who is not as u said the most intelligent, richest guy etc. all that doesnt really matter and yes those types mostly are not giving by nature, thats how they are so  successful  in the first place.  

    “Because, as you know, you can get the smartest, hottest, tallest, richest guy in the world… and you’ll most likely discover that he’s a selfish narcissist who’s just not that into you.
    Thus, there is wisdom in compromising a little on looks and brains in order to find the HAPPINESS that has eluded you when you exalt “attraction” above all.

  2. 22
    MilkyMae

    I bet this man is type that will overlook any type of lukewarm behavior from a “hot” woman.   He’s probably ok with cancelled dates and un-returned calls.   He probably doesn’t care to much if his partner does not reciprocate thoughtful gestures.   Aloof is acceptable to him.    In other words, this guy is a free man and nobody values “free”.   I’m not saying this guy should act like a jerk but the woman he is with needs to make a decision and choose him.   If he is always available, then they don’t need to make a choice.   He may be chasing the wrong women but if he made it clear what he expected, some of the “hot” women would drop off quickly and some might choose him.
    I bet most of the “hot” women who dump him think they could get him back if they really wanted.      

    1. 22.1
      Matt

      I completely agree with your post.   Been with a hot girl that doesn’t reciprocate my simple questions like how are you doing today, she’ll say good and not ask back.   And that is just one example of her behavior.   I am strongly physically attracted to her, but know that it is not a long term relationship.   Nevertheless I meet someone who is necessarily as phyically attractive, but she is much better for me on an emotional level.   So basically, my advice to Evan is to stop being Shallow.   If you are only with a girl for her looks, but she is not the right one emotionally, you need to leave that girl and move on, you will be the one who get hurt in the long run.   The more you start to make exuses       that it will work, and the deeper you become involved and ‘in love with her’ the more pain that it will bring in the future if she is not the right person beyond phyical attraction.

      1. 22.1.1
        Lee

        Agree. I am in a similar situation. I met a girl that to me is amazing (not modelesque, but what I really like). We have a bunch in common and there are many things I like about her, but the absolute worst thing is that she is possibly the most closed-off person I’ve ever met. But she’s like this with everyone, not just me.

        If I or anyone asks her anything, you’ll be lucky if you get more than two or three words, and she never asks anyone anything. She only speaks if spoken to. I could understand if she was shy or depressed or anxious, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. She just doesn’t seem to give a damn about anything beyond her immediate clique and family (I’ve seen her family in a non-dating situation, but never met any of her friends).

        She knows how I feel about her and she knows what I want and expect. So, I continue to chat her up when I can and invite her out to things from time to time. She sometimes shows up but does or says little. I know full well that my chances are virtually nil, but as long as she’s single (and I know she’s single), I’ll keep flirting and trying to build a connection.

        May never happen, but I’ll be seeing other women in the meantime. Either one day she’ll change her mind and I’ll be cool with that, or she’ll get with someone else and I’ll cut all contact. I don’t get angry with her, and as much as it sucks that she doesn’t see my worth to her, it doesn’t hurt me too much to keep trying.  I work with her and our schedules cross usually once a week, and of every single person at work, I know more about her than anyone else. I kind of hope this helps in relating to her more in the future.

        My prediction is that, if she keeps up this aloof attitude with each person that comes along, she’ll still be single in a few years time. I would prefer this not happen, since I know she likes men and would prefer to have a boyfriend, and I want her to be happy. It would just be nice to have her be open and vulnerable with me for a change. She acts like she doesn’t need or want anything.

        And the selfish part of me kind of hopes she doesn’t get into a relationship for a few years so that I maybe break through someday. I know this makes me kind of a dick, and though I don’t particularly like to be someone’s backup plan,  I know that people change their minds and circumstances change, and I’m not the type to hold grudges.

        I’ve dated other women in the meantime, but I always end up preferring to spend time with her, even if she’s not that talkative. Attraction’s a bitch.

  3. 23
    Joyful Girl

    Hm. I don’t know about this one, EMK. “…wouldn’t it make sense to find a partner who’s compatible in all those other areas?” Maybe… but then I’d just be dating my girlfriends. And they, by the way,  would totally be supportive when I had a “fat” day.

    There’s  some missing element, not yet addressed. I think we’re calling it chemistry. And though some of your bloggers are claiming it’s superficial and exclusionary, I don’t think we are all attracted to the same set of “hot” factors, and I don’t think they are all superficial. White teeth are great, but quick to smile  is hotter, for example, in my book.  

    Other respondents have indicated that they weren’t “at all attracted.” Can you speak more to that? I ask, because it seems to be a common theme with a lot of my friends, right now. Potential partners “look good on paper,” and there are a hundred, logical reasons to continue to date this person, but the idea of a kiss goognight ranges from about as exciting as watching paint dry to just the polite side of cringe-provoking.

    Would love to hear more from you on this.

    1. 23.1
      Chaz

      I wish I knew.

      I have been in love with a woman for about 10 years now.   In the so-called “Friend Zone”, which is not really a topic I’m trying to discuss.   Just to be a little descriptive.

      She recently told me the following things about me:   I’m very good looking.   I’m very intelligent.   I’m very funny.   I smell good.   She feels completely comfortable around me.   She loves every minute she spends with me.

      I ask her, “But are you sexually attracted to me?”

      She says “No.”

      Something to do with being afraid that a relationship between the 2 of us would be difficult and full of drama.   In other words, like every relationship she’s ever had and will continue to have.

      She did nothing wrong to me.   She’s a good person.   But I simply don’t want to be that role in her life.   I finally let her go.

  4. 24
    Christie Hartman

    Evan, I loved the description of your home life. It sounds very much like the one I have with my husband (we both work at home too). And it is really great!
      
    I liken chasing chemistry to wanting dessert. Dessert is awesome, but it’s much better with a nourishing meal. Compatibility is the nourishment. In the end, when you’re with someone you love being with, you don’t CARE how tall/rich/hot/young they are. Find that person you love being with!

  5. 25
    sarahrahrah!

    @Rina – #7
      
    You are a cynic, but you speak the truth!
      
    “I’m a 10 and my spouse is an 8. Therefore I can do better and I will step out and find another 10. Meanwhile, I will treat my spouse like crap so that they will break up with me and I can still play the victim/good guy”
    Substitute earning capacity, age, etc for the attractiveness scale and you’ve got the same paradigm.
      
    You are dead on.   I was married to a highly successful man and that was the story of our relationship.   I think that good looking, successful or intelligent men can still possibly be decent, but they have to have some kind of fatal flaw keeping them humble, i.e. a disability, etc.

  6. 26
    Ann

    My current boyfriend did not attract me at all when I saw his picture on-line.   His initial e-mail from the on-line dating website was so laid back though, that I thought I wanted to talk to him for a while on-line.   As i talked to him, I found out that he checked off a lot of the boxes that I wanted in a potential life partner.   He was confident, flirty, compassionate, empathetic, affectionate, cared for others (even when he really didn’t want to), could bring me out of my shell, made me feel very beautiful and sexy, etc.   Now when I look at him, I don’t know why I wasn’t attracted when I first saw him on-line.  
    Sometimes I think we, as women, are so focused on what we want the men in our lives to be that we fail to stop ourselves and realize what they are.   Men need us to love them for who they are and not the potential that we see in them to be our ideal men.   We’ll just be disappointed if we only love the potential.
    I can only speak from my experience.   Yeah, my boyfriend isn’t perfect.   He has done some jerky things.   I’ve had to give him quite a few Mulligans and have made the choice not to be upset by the little things that are him and just won’t change.   He knows when I am upset (which is rare) that he needs to listen and he does.   He makes choices that tell me he listened and heard what I needed.   He is willing to give me what I need and I give him what he needs.   I am happy and so is he.   And my happiness far out weighs getting a perfect 10.

    1. 26.1
      Chaz

      Ann, thank you for this entry.   It gave me hope.

  7. 27
    JM

    I find that when there is hot chemistry, everything else that’s important gets swept under the rug.

    “I can’t trust him, but he’s hot!”
    “He has no goals in life other than the gym, but he’s hot!”
    “Maybe he has three baby-mamas, but he’s hot!”

    Over time, the hotness fades, resentment is born, people get hurt, and meh.

    In my opinion this is why internet dating does not work. People want chemistry and they want it during that first meeting or on the first date. If it’s not there, it’s over. In real life, you meet someone, get to know them through work, school, sports, friends, etc. and that chemistry can develop over time. If you want to see more of someone from the internet and you think they are great but don’t know yet if there will be amazing chemistry, that means more one-on-one dates, which means you’re dating, and then there is pressure, etc.

    I think you need to find a happy medium. Looks do change, but a person’s character is their character. And, you need to give things time to develop. The most attractive people can quickly become unattractive with bad personalities, and people you don’t find attractive can become attractive with time.

    1. 27.1
      Squeeker

      I could have written this post myself!

    2. 27.2
      Willowandy

      Well, isn’t that why speed dating doesn’t work?

      Internet dating can work fine if people of both sexes are just willing to spend a bit more time getting to know each other.

      From my point of view the problem is very much focus on impressions in minutes if not seconds, which to me is superficial.

  8. 28
    AnnieC

    @4 Learn to read?

    Women who are not lusting after a male, would actually like to follow your rules. Except your rules, are about a woman indicating sexual interest toward a man before she is ready.

    It’s your biggest Gap Evan when relating to women.  

    You misunderstand the female sexual side. yeah..you really do. Women would like to get to know   a man who is nice. Women “gain’ attraction over time.

    Men…see “I wanna have sex”…then figure it out after

    You really aren’t paying enough attention.  

    1. 28.1
      Chaz

      I can’t speak for all men.   In fact, I can’t speak for most.   You may be correct.   I don’t know.

      That’s not the way that I see it, however.   I would simply like to find a woman who I find sexually attractive (emphasis on I) and I’d hope that she were kind and sincere above all else.   It would help if she had a complementary intellect.

      I am in no way concerned with having sex right away.   But I would simply love to tell her that my interest in her is, in fact, based on sexuality, emotion, and intellect.   I would tell her this on day 1 if it were true.   And if I want to call her the next day, I will.

      Unfortunately for me; here in the real world, it doesn’t work that way.

  9. 29
    D

    My first reaction to that guy’s chasing? “Ugh, he’s an asshole.”
    My second reaction? “I do the same damn thing.”

    Karl, if a woman has sex with a man too quickly (I mean even in three/four dates), he will LEAVE. That is INCREDIBLY hurtful.

    I am very strong in suggesting to men to never be “the nice guy,” but not an asshole. Rather, I suggest to my friends to work on earning their own internal confidence (meaning to work on what they like/don’t like about themselves, career, creative and mental goals, dress, health, self talk, etc.), and that way they will be able to radiate, “I’m enjoying talking to you, but you are not my end all be all, I have projects, things to do, and there are other fish in the sea.” This attitude of high sense of self and respectful engagement is very attractive to the woman because she feels like he is not 100% laser focused on winning her approval.

    And if I meet them they can totally be those fully nice and respectful, but totally emotionally unavailable guys I’m so into 🙂

  10. 30
    Kat

    I’m looking for the man who will be beautiful to ME, inside AND outside.   And for the man who thinks the same towards me.   I want to do all those mundane things, cook dinner together, dress up as pirates & go to renaissance festivals with.   Someone who will not mind that I like to sing around the house while I do chores, that I will come up & give him a kiss and/or hug for no reason, who will be my most intimate partner on every level.

    I know that I am an attractive,  intelligent, well-educated, witty 53-yr-old woman.   But I am also a goofball, a klutz, and not perfect in any way.    The man who loves all of that will be the one who wins my heart, and he will be the one I find attractive.

        

  11. 31
    Heather

    This article depresses me a little. I’m in a great relationship, at least I think I am. But I still wonder if sexually he wants me as much as I want him? He says cute to bra pics…I mean really? I must be the fifty…not eighty…

  12. 32
    Fiona

    I think I have a massive problem because either I find men attractive or I just don’t – there are no degrees in between. Objectively I know that some of my exes are attractive to other women and some are not so it is not just about how they look. I don’t know what it is. Worse, it does not get better on the second date, the third date or a month. Like a female panda, it is either there or it just isn’t. I am not really sure what I can do about it if anything. The thought of kissing someone I don’t find attractive is abhorrent, let alone sleeping with them. I had a date last night with a friend of a friend who was really nice, clearly likes me having texted me on his way home, and has already asked if we can meet up again. This happens on most of my dates I have not met in real life – they want to see me again. I enjoy their company but there is no attraction. In real life I don’t have this particular issue as I don’t accept dates unless I find the man attractive. The man I met last night is not objectively unattractive – he’s average – but I am just not attracted to him so not sure it is even fair to meet up again even though I really enjoyed his company. Sometimes I wonder if maybe attraction is there for a good biological reason.

  13. 33
    Theo

    Karl hit the nail on the head in writing: “I have many female friends who don’t want to have sex with me. I enjoy them as friends. I just don’t want to spend months courting a woman (and getting my hopes up), just to find out that we’re never going to be anything more than friends.

    Men push sex because it provides clarity.”

    Men don’t push for sex because they’re constantly horny. Rather, as Karl wrote, we do it because sex is the essential sign of attraction or arousal from a woman. Every man has had experiences of dating or seeing a woman intensely, falling in love with her eventually, to painfully realize after months that the romantic feeling was not a mutual one, not reciprocated, but rather one-sided: “Let’s just be friends.” Men hate it!

  14. 34
    Carmen

    Pierce Brosnan is a very happy man with his UnHollywood-looking wife, a testament to your point.

  15. 35
    Lisa

    I think the difference between men and women is that for women it is more about chemistry and men it is more about looks.   For women chemistry can grow and attraction can develop. It is often said that women decide on a first date whether they will absolutely not sleep with you, but not if they will.   Whereas a man decides if they will.      I have met many men whom I was not crazy attracted to at first glance who for sure grew on me over time and became more attractive, but with men from what I understand that just does not happen.   There has to be some sort of initial attraction for that to work out.   This is why you often see really hot women with less attractive guys but you don’t frequently see the reverse.   It is also why most men can agree on rating women on a scale of 1-10 whereas most women are all over the place when it comes to rating guys.   I have had chemistry with guys of all looks, sizes etc.   Some look like models, others have pot bellies,   many are average Joe’s, some are fair, some tall and dark, you get my drift.   But the common factor is I feel chemistry and I feel it early on.      The problem you run into Evan is that once you have had that chemistry or that strong attraction it is hard to settle for something less.      The only scenario I can think of where this may happen is maybe work, or school or something where you had a chance to repeatedly be exposed to someone who you may not have initially been attracted to in a non dating situation with no expectations and then it developed.    I can see this happening for a woman to a man, I don’t see it happening from a man to a woman.   I think for a man it either is or it is not.       The problem is that we all do online dating now, so we are dating with expectations and we do not have chances of prolonged exposure to people without expectations.    If I continued to hang out with a guy beyond three or four dates just to see if some chemistry developed you can rest assured he would be furious when he found out that was going on, and to be honest there are 25 other guys in line behind him that I may have chemistry with so it would seem like a waste of time.   FYI I have tried this many times and this is exactly what happened, nothing developed   and the guy got mad and said I wasted both of our times.    So what does one do?      If I don’t feel attraction I think its time to move onto the next person?

    1. 35.1
      Willowandy

      Maybe I’m unusual, but it can develop for me by talking to somebody (and it can also go the opposite way by talking to somebody). Also, to me seeing somebody at least 3 times if in doubt is a much better approach for something serious, but then it appears to me that most women are faster to decide than that!

      1. 35.1.1
        Lisa

        I agree with you that seeing someone three times is a much better approach unless   you are utterly repulsed the first time.   If   you have great conversation with the person and enjoy their company give it some more time.   I say if you don’t look at your watch the entire time and enjoy yourself give it a shot! But like I mention above in online dating things are different and many people feel like you are wasting their time.      I do believe that men face a lot more rejection   with online dating than women.   So you find a lot of angry bitter men in that dating pool.   So when I have done this and realized hey there still is just no connection, but I wanted to give it a shot I have faced nothing but really negative responses and the response I got was well you should have never continued to see me if you did not feel it on the first date, so I thought okay I won’t then.   I also think men get angry because they are spending money on dates versus women.   But I always offer to pay or split the bill so I don’t get men being angry at me when they turn me down.      I suspect you are not one of those men.      I think dating is all about experiencing different people and sometimes you do get hurt, but maybe some men have been so much this is how they act?    I am no longer dating, I am engaged.   But I think the reason women may cut things off so early on in online dating is in large part due to not wanting to deal with this.

  16. 36
    Kimberly

    I just got dumped today for the third time with a guy I was totally attracted to.     Apparently, I am a slow learning.     This article came at a great time.     There has to be something there but physical attraction isn’t everything.

    1. 36.1
      Karmic Equation

      You need to follow this rule, Kimberly:

       

      Don’t take back a man that dumps you. No matter how hot the chemistry.

      Now, if YOU dump him and he wants back, that’s at your discretion. But I would suggest that you DO NOT take him back unless he escalates the relationship to the next milestone AND he becomes an exemplary partner. If you’re dating, he suggests you move in together. If you had lived together, he proposes. And if he does propose, you make sure you set the date for a year or more away and continue to evaluate his efforts to make you happy over the course of that year. If he fails, dump him. And never take him back again.

  17. 37
    Nisha

    This is exactly what I needed to hear right now! After beginning to read your material, I am grasping the concept of what type of guys I say I want to date and the type I spend all my time crying over. I am  so attracted to one type of guy…  we got along so well, things seemed so perfect right from the beginning, they were ambitious and hot — and then gone. The consistent, stable guy who I am less attracted to…hmmm that has been a struggle for me. I say that is what I want. But I think it is too easy. Perhaps boring. But I think I am learning it is what I need. What is more appropriate. And what is the stuff of long term relationships. Anyhow, thanks.

  18. 38
    Gina

    I agree 100% because I had a wonderful man who was great he loved me he was kind he worked he was handsome ,he owned his own home he had it all.Then I found myself uncomfortable and i felt myself looking to find something unattractive about him and I ran away from him into a passionate broken addicted man who I chased and chased who was a total opposite of what I had in my last relationship. It has been the same for every relationship I have had since all the men are broken and have an addiction to something that they are trying to recover from and are at a stage in life where they are not totally available emotionally. Reading Evans articles I have come to understand my ways,and this article just sealed the deal for me and gave me so much more insight. Now that I am older and wiser I want all those things that I had with my first realtionship the good guy so to speak.

  19. 39
    danny

    Great article, hope more women read this and see how they do or did the exact same thing while ending up with nothing.   Guess those who are shallow shall be punished, and I think too many people know this all to well.   So who is to blame, nature?   Hmmm   Nurture?

  20. 40
    Brooke

    Evan, this article is confusing. Were you attracted to your wife when you met her? I would probably guess yes. I can’t think of anything worse than being with someone or even having sex with someone I have zero attraction to just because they make a good life partner. If this is about having unrealistic physical standards for a partner or basing your dating life just upon looks and attraction, then his makes sense and I agree 100%.

    But what I hear a lot through family members or dating articles is specifically directed towards women telling us to marry/date the guy who will commit and wants a relationship and that we look for the wrong type. Often the men wanting a relationship are the ones who are attracted to us (and would love to have sex with us) but when there’s no attraction on our end, we are being too picky. Are men the only ones who get to be attracted to their partner and women are left with these men because they’re the ones who want a relationship and would be good life partners and help with laundry? Maybe you you aren’t implying this at all, and maybe this is just something I and a lot of other single women struggle with so we automatically assume this is what you mean.

    1. 40.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I’m always confused by these questions, but since they keep coming up, I’ll keep answering them.

      1. Yes, I was attracted to my wife. But I wasn’t hitting on her. I wasn’t thinking of hooking up with her. I’ve been more attracted to other women. So when you come out and say “zero attraction,” you immediately misinterpret what I’m saying. In fact, you put words/thoughts into my mouth that aren’t even implied.

      2. Similarly, when family members/dating articles tell you to marry the guy who wants to commit – and you interpret that as “GIVE UP ON ATTRACTION” – you are again inferring things that are not even implied. “Marry the guy who wants to commit” means ONLY “Marry the guy who wants to commit – as opposed to the selfish, avoidant, Peter Pan, charmer who values freedom over commitment. Anything else you’re putting on that statement is a false interpretation.

      3. No one said you are “being too picky” by passing up men that you’re not attracted to. I have 100 blog posts that insist that you need attraction to have a happy marriage BUT:

      a. Attraction is not sufficient to have a relationship. Chemistry doesn’t keep couples together for 40 years.
      b. Attraction often allows you to put up with poor treatment from men.
      c. Attraction to your mate doesn’t have to be the HIGHEST it’s ever been – it just has to be sufficient for a healthy sex life with a man who pleases you.
      d. Attraction can grow. I would never tell you to go on a second date with a “3” in attraction, but MOST of my happy clients started with a 6 that turned into a 9.

      So your interpretation that “men are the only ones who get to be attracted to their partners” is patently FALSE. I have not said it. Nobody else has ever said it. It is a black and white slippery slope argument you’ve created in your head because dating is tricky. In fact, all the dating articles/happily married people are all saying some version of the same thing: attraction is a small (but important) piece of a much larger puzzle. You will have a happier marriage with a 7 chemistry and a 10 compatibility as opposed to a 10 chemistry and 3 compatibility. The 3 attraction model is something that no one has ever advocated.

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