A Father’s Advice: Know Your Worth
- Being Selective, Dating
I wish I wrote this myself, but since I didn’t, I figure I can share it.
Ready for Lasting Love?
Ready for Lasting Love?
What the author, Dr. Kelly Flanagan, is talking about are the qualities that make a man a good husband.
In a nutshell, a good husband treats you right. It’s not about what he looks like, what he does, or what he believes. It’s how he treats you.
Evaluate men on their performance as boyfriend instead of their external characteristics and you’ll have one happy life.
DO YOU WANT TO FIX YOUR BROKEN MAN-PICKER?
Click here to read the whole article and share your thoughts below.
DO YOU WANT TO FIX YOUR BROKEN MAN-PICKER?
Peter says
Know your worth is key to so much for both sexes but so hard to work out. I took me a long time to value myself. For women, who need to know their worth at a younger age than men, it is surely harder, particularly for those who overvalue their worth and so pass by good husbands. It’s close to an irretrievable error.
Karl R says
I think it’s so one-sided as to be inaccurate.
This father is telling his daughter that the only thing that matters is how a man treats her (more specifically, how he demonstrates his interest in her). I agree this is a valuable point, and he makes it well.
This father also briefly mentions that he thinks the advice to women is flawed, because “it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to ‘keep him interested,'” and “the only thing you should have to do to ‘keep him interested’ is to be you.”
This father ignores the fact that this advice goes both directions. His daughter needs to make it equally apparent that she’s interested in him for being him. It doesn’t matter how young, beautiful, intelligent, talented and amazing she is, if she seems disinterested in a man, that man can clearly do better elsewhere.
There’s one lady in the dance community who is both attractive and a very good dancer. Based on those two criteria, men should be lining up to dance with her. Instead, most of the men avoid her. The two times I’ve danced with her, I got the impression that she was completely indifferent about dancing with me, and she would have been just as happy sitting by herself at the side of the room. (I’ve spoken with other men who were good dancers who got the same impression.) I will have a much more enjoyable dance with any other woman, because those women will be enjoying having a dance with me.
She should have men lining up to dance with her. Instead, she spends entire evenings sitting on the sidelines. All the men feel that they’ll have more fun dancing with women who are less attractive and far less skilled, just because of the absolute indifference she brings to the experience.
My wife has never had to work to keep my interest. But if she had never demonstrated her own interest, there wouldn’t have been a first date.
Jackie H. says
As a daddy’s girl, I just loved it…
Jackie H. says
Kudos to this father for writing these words downs…
NN says
And let’s not forget about good sex life…
What do I care how a man treats me if I don’t get my sexual satisfaction from him?
I am rather single than with a man who doesn’t turn me on nor get me off.
Sunflower says
Karl R
How disappointing to take something that is so beautiful and sweet in helping our little girls feel good about themselves so they don’t have to ride an emotional roller coaster in choosing the wrong men. Nice job in muddying it up with arrogant competition.
Kim says
You know, this is just what I needed to hear today, so thanks Evan. I have been dating a man who is not the usual body type I go for — I normally like dating men who are good-looking, fit, and athletic (who doesn’t?), and John is short, slightly chubby and wears thick glasses. But, unlike those good-looking guys I have dated, he is consistent, conveys his interest in sweet ways, connects with me emotionally and intellectually, plans interesting and fun dates (he took me for golf lessons so we could play together), and has a great job as a reporter for a small town newspaper. He is active in his synagogue (he’s a cantor), and has strong family values. He has two great kids. I have no doubt how he feels about me. We have developed a good solid friendship. All of these things are exactly what I have wanted for a very long time, save his appearance. But, I have to admit, he’s a really good kisser.
He is not my “dream” guy. But, I am paying close attention to how I feel when I am around him, and I keep coming back for more. I feel cared for when I am with him. He is “growing” on me. And I can’t ask for more in terms of how he treats me. And that, if my dad were still alive, is what he would have wanted for me.
Amelia2.0 says
Yeah, I can imagine my dad writing something like this– getting dusty here for me, too. It’s good advice. And I don’t think Dad here is saying that she cannot reciprocate interest, just that she should not feel like she has to worry about convincing a man to treat her right. Being her genuine, spirited self should do all the ‘convincing’ she needs.
Chris says
I’m with you Sunflower. The man who wrote the article wrote it from the perspective of a father wishing to offer guidance to his daughter and as a therapist who has obviously worked with women who grew up in a society that has taught us our value is based on what we can and should do to win a man over.
Of course all advice can go both ways and relationships are built on mutual love, respect, commitment, etc. But when someone decides to express their feelings, it’s just that, an expression of their feelings or opinions. They aren’t obligated to cover all the angles and make sure both sides are represented.
As a woman who spent much of my younger years trying to “make” things happen with the men in my life, I’m thankful to have the support and guidance today to help me accept that it’s ok to just be me and let the man step up to his role.
Sunflower says
Thank you Chris! As you stated, all advice can go both ways. But this article was intended as a simple, sweet gesture from an adoring father who just wants the best for his little girl.
Henriette says
@Karl R #2 Thanks for your perspective, which I didn’t feel “muddied” the post. I liked this letter but agree that it would be nice if moms would write similar letters to their sons, since I see plenty of men who think that it’s their duty to accept abysmal behaviour from women.
This letter is sweet and makes excellent points. However, I don’t think that I think that it covers all the bases. For example, it’s well & good for a guy to not “follow his wallet” but I’ve dated several kind-hearted dudes who treated me nicely but didn’t make up for the fact they couldn’t pay their bills or hold down full time jobs. I know many marriages that have been terribly strained by a spouse’s poor financial choices. In other words, I think this letter focuses on the super-important element of how a man treats his lady, but some practicalities really do matter in keeping a relationship strong throughout the decades.
Marie says
Karl R: “I think it’s so one-sided as to be inaccurate…”
It’s not inaccurate. I think this is a beautiful piece and the same advice Evan would give to his own daughter when she grows up. This was not written about the mating game and how to display initial interest to a man. This is about advice being given on the internet to young, impressionable women that they have to bend over backwards doing all sorts of extraneous things to try and keep a guy’s interest from waning. The point of the author is, if by that time, he doesn’t love you for who you are, that is no good and jumping through hoops to make him feel good about himself or make yourself seem useful to him is just demeaning. I’m not seeing the connection here with the example you gave about the attractive woman who was indifferent to dancing with you. You’re married. How and why is she supposed to keep your interest? She doesn’t know you and hopefully doesn’t want to keep or get into a relationship with you.
Sparkling Emerald says
Thanks Evan for posting this lovely article.
Karl R @ 2 – This father ignores the fact that this advice goes both directions. (no he doesn’t) His daughter needs to make it equally apparent that she’s interested in him for being him.
Actually Karl – Did you catch this ?
From the article “Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul–in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego–that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)”
He advises her to consider EVERYONE worthy of interest, which would include any man she is involved with. Also, he wrote this IN RESPONSE to the incessant amount of advice telling women they are doing everything “wrong” when it comes to men. Believe me, I get the pop up ads, and I am on several mailing lists, and I get bombarded with ads promising to reveal “UGLY mistakes women make” and “How you are pushing him away” and programs that you give you EXACT word for word scripts for what to say to a man, etc. (Since women are so inept we don’t even talk correctly apparently) The internet world of dating advice seems to be stacked towards telling women that we’re not good enough, and that we are supposed to twist ourselves into some other worldly standard of perfection, while accepting almost all flaws in men. (abuse, non-commitment & infidelity are about all we are supposed to reject,) So if his advice seemed too “one sided” (or just heavily slanted towards telling his precious daughter that she should find a man who loves her just the way she is) then it is only a tiny counter weight to all the advice telling us that we’re not sexy enough, thin enough, submissive enough, soft spoken enough, etc. to land a man.
NN @ 5 And let’s not forget about good sex life…
NN, get real, not to many dads are going to give their daughters tips on achieving the big O, (but maybe MOM will when the daughter is a tad bit older 🙂
Peter @1 For women, who need to know their worth at a younger age than men, it is surely harder, particularly for those who overvalue their worth and so pass by good husbands. It’s close to an irretrievable error.
I think it’s a bigger problem with women thinking they are low value, who either spend years with a man who won’t commit, or commit to a man who treats them poorly. Yes, some women pass up men who would be good husbands, for superficial reasons, but sometimes the attraction just isn’t there. You don’t think men pass over women who be good wives ? (Either due to lack of attraction, some superficial reason, or just wanting to trade up for something better)
Sunflower @6 – Karl R How disappointing to take something that is so beautiful and sweet in helping our little girls feel good about themselves so they don’t have to ride an emotional roller coaster in choosing the wrong men. Nice job in muddying it up with arrogant competition.
and
Chris @ 9 But when someone decides to express their feelings, it’s just that, an expression of their feelings or opinions. They aren’t obligated to cover all the angles and make sure both sides are represented.
I agree with both of you, the internet is FILLED with all sorts of “advice” on how awful women are, and how we need to change, all while accepting men as they are, lest we are fated to become old maids with 35 cats. The manosphere is filled with angry websites devoted to calling women b****es and s**ts. This father writes a tender love letter to his daughter, saying she is good enough just the way she is, and deserving of interest, & tells her to recognize that other people are worthy of interest to, and some men are so hostile to that message.
Lia says
I loved that letter.
People who truly know their worth recognize that others are of value too. It’s not about being better than – it is about recognizing that we are enough and therefore others are too.
Karl R
I had a different take the article than you did. The author writes “If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.”
I believe that people who truly know their worth can stop focusing on themselves and what others think of them and are much more interested in other people.
Tom10 says
Kelly Flanagan
“In the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you”
At the risk of sounding like a spoil-sport I’m not really sure how much use this advice actually is. Yes self-esteem is critically important in dating, but I agree with Karl R’s take on this: the advice is a bit one-sided and I wonder if it might have been better for the author to explain to his daughter how the real world actually works rather than effectively just telling her to “be herself.”
I think the author suffers a bit from “my little princess” delusion. I’ve no doubt his daughter is a little princess – to him – but unfortunately the dating world is a tough and brutal world, and out there she will just be another woman. She has to understand that world then learn how to go out and actually get what she wants.
I learnt from a young age that to get what I want in life I have to work hard – bloody hard – to get it. No-one is gonna give me anything for nothing. I’m not entitled to anything; therefore I have to earn what I want. I believe the same applies in dating. “Being me” is just not enough. I have to be the best possible me I can be and then evaluate my available options.
I wonder if Kelly is simply infusing his daughter with a sense of entitlement thus setting her up for disappointment.
“I wrote it for the generation of boys-becoming-men who need to be reminded of what is really important-my little girl finding a loving, lifelong companion is dependent upon at least one of you figuring this out. I’m praying for you”
Hmm, again I think this rather futile. Wishing/praying for a generation of boys to change for the benefit of his daughter is a terrible strategy — it’s not gonna happen therefore he might be better focusing on explaining to her how boys/men actually think and what they want.
Sparkling Emerald
I think Peter’s point about women not knowing how to value their worth is valid. Women often don’t realize that they effectively get a ten-year headstart on their male peers in the dating game thus they risk overvaluing themselves when young. As you say though, women often under-value themselves too. That’s why valuing yourself correctly is so difficult and important.
Also don’t forget that men face the same pressures on what to do and say to get the women we want – everyone has to deal with this pressure.
I don’t think men are being hostile to the message, rather questioning it.
Evan
“In a nutshell, a good husband treats you right. It’s not about what he looks like, what he does, or what he believes. It’s how he treats you.”
Can’t argue with that.
Karl T says
Tom10,
My sentiments exactly. It would be much more useful for him to be realistic than to speak as if it is a cream puff fantasy world. However, Sunflower might get upset because you are ruining her little dream world.
I’d rather prepare my children for the real world and make sure they are strong and understanding.
Tao System says
That’s what real dad’s are for, very touching!
Maria says
@Karl R
I am sure there are few men who will enjoy the challenge of meeting this woman. Something I will never understand.
Thanks Evan for this article.
Sunflower says
Karl R #2 and Henrietta #1 – a match made in heaven!
Girl in the midwest says
I agree with Tom at #15.
I think we should always strive to be the best version of ourselves (which is a life-long pursuit). And that should be the reason why we know we’re worthy.
I believe we get self-esteem not from outside praise or from our parents telling us we’re amazing little wonders. I think true, healthy self-esteem comes from accomplishments. It could be something that seems trivial to other people but to you is very meaningful. Eg. getting a degree, becoming sober, writing a book, sticking to a healthy diet, etc.
If I just say “I am awesome, and by just being me, people should love and respect me.” without actually doing anything, then that’s empty. I could believe that, but then I’d just be delusional.
Karl T says
Sunflower (#19) and the State Puff Marshmallow Man (Ghostbusters)…a match made in heaven!!
anon says
Karl, it was the Stay Puft Marshmallow man.
Karl T says
#22
I stand corrected…..
starthrower68 says
I tend to say less on here these days, as I my values are seen in this day and age as old-fashioned, not popular, and tragically un-hip. But I’m stunned as a few of the responses on here. I did not see anywhere how old this child is, but are we really going to criticize the dad for not giving her advice about orgasms or how brutal dating is?
I can tell you that while I teach my children life isn’t fair, building them up to believe in themselves and not be ashamed of who they are certainly is not instilling them with a sense of entitlement. I can tell you as the parent of an 11 year old girl who has been bullied by other girls, I’d better darn well be building up some level of self-esteem in her to weather that storm.
I realize in this cesspool of a culture we are bombarding kids with sexual messages, but as a single parent, my kids have not seen me bring home a flavor of the week. As a result, you will not find my 20 and 18 year old boys hitting up women twice their age on the Internet.
I never got this kind of thing from my dad. I wish I would have. I might not have the trouble with men and relationships that I have had. Kids need to be allowed to be kids before they can be good adults. Some of the responses would have Dad burden this child with things that are not age-appropriate.
Paula says
I agree Starthrower @24. The point is to give her age appropriate advice. maybe in her early teens start advising more about the adult topics. I’m assuming this child is under 6 because most older children would be annoyed to be labeled as ‘cutiepie’ by their father.
I had a similar epiphany earlier on a few weeks ago. I shouldn’t have to work hard to make someone love me and it’s the same for men and women. Someone in a relationships cares and loves you or they don’t and if they don’t, who cares. It does boil down to valuing yourself and not about trying to convince others your lovable.
Sparkling Emerald says
Sheesh, a father writes a tender letter to his beloved daughter (one that EMK says he wish he wrote) and some people feel so threatened by it. This is ONE letter (and the father promises her another letter on accepting other people as worthy) to a daughter, it is not meant to be an equal opportunity free for all where everyone’s opinion is represented. I don’t think the “fairness doctrine” applies to love letters between family members.
Seriously, if someone you knew got a sentimental Hallmark birthday card, covered with glitter and illustrated with rainbows and unicorns, wishing a “special someone” a magical day, would you wish them a happy birthday too ? Or would you lecture them that nobody is special for being born ? Would you then proceed to tell them that rainbows fade and unicorns aren’t real ? Would you go on a rant about how Hallmark is creating a spoiled bunch of magical thinkers ?
Sheesh, it a love letter from a father to a daughter, a nice counter weight to all the “you aren’t good enough for love” messages that bombard the internet. Lighten up everyone !
Karl T says
Emerald,
This is not wishing someone a Happy BDay. It’s about giving advice and guidance. Tom10 and I share the opinion that the guidance was all tender and not useful nor fully relevant advice. He is not telling his daughter about DisneyWorld and what a good time she is going to have. He’s talking about the real world.
“it is not meant to be an equal opportunity free for all where everyone’s opinion is represented.”
Are you kidding me? This is a message board and topics are posted to collect people’s comments. Everyone has every right to debate them if they want to. Who gives you the right to tell people they can not express their opinions???
Speed says
I liked the letter and read it as simply a sentimental letter from a father to his very young daughter, sprinkled with some age-old wisdom. It’s a little similar to that book Why a daughter needs a dad.
No human relationship should be based purely on dreams or naivte but at the same time none (especially one involving friends, family, etc.) can run purely on cost-benefit/empirical analysis, statistical modeling, and so on.
Nor can any human relation be run on unfiltered “blunt” talk, regardless of a person’s age, status, and so on. Anyone who’s had a child knows you don’t tell him or her “the hard facts of life” at age four or something.
I understand and appreciate that this blog is mainly designed to run on a lot of hard realities of dating life but I think this article was a refreshing bit of sentiment and family love for the weekend.
Thanks for posting it, Evan.
Sparkling Emerald says
Karl T – Who gives you the right to tell people they can not express their opinions???
Whoa there macho man ! When did I do that ? It wasn’t my intention to dictate opinions, it was my opinion that the father was merely writing a tender love letter to his daughter, not a journalistic piece that is supposed to cover both “sides” of the argument. Of course, knowing you, once you get it in your head that a blogger had one intention in what they wrote, you dig in your heels and INSIST that your interpretation is exactly what they meant. You gave a clear demonstration by your hot headed hissy fit over the word “macho”.
You are of course entitled to think that a fathers tender advice to his young daughter is useless (advice that EMK wishes he wrote) I am entitled to my opinion otherwise.
I agree with the father, that is not her job to convince anyone that she is worthy. I have a son, and I don’t think it is his job to convince a woman that he is worthy. I think in a relationship (or attempts at building relationships) it is up to each person to demonstrate their own worth through their actions, and to discern the other persons actions and discover weather or not the potential for a relationship exists. If one or the other or both, come to the conclusion that they are not a good match, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the woman “over valued” herself as Peter said in #1. It could just be, that while both people would be good spouses, they just weren’t good for each other.
Ruby says
Judging by the men’s comments in response to this post, I’m reminded that men don’t realize how much we women are bombarded with messages telling us how to get a man, how to keep a man, how to get a man back, what to do if you can’t get him back, and all the various ways we’re not good enough as we are. The point isn’t that women need to realize they also need to show a man they are interested, because, as i say, women are inundated with advice on how to do that. This article is about a girl’s father recognizing the influence of these cultural messages, and telling his daughter to always remember that she’s okay just as she is.
starthrower68 says
Thank you Sparkling Emerald. I’m ready to pull my hair out and you so eloquently stated what I was thinking. I have seen the way that tween girls are behaving, especially toward each other because there are too many parents not doing what this father has done for his daughter. I don’t understand the world anymore. But we have become Rome.
starthrower68 says
Sorry for the multiple post EMK, but I bet if we had more fathers treating their daughters this way, we’d have a lot less teen pregnancy and a lot less government replacing dads. Humanity doesn’t exist in some kind of microcosm; you want to talk about how it is in the real world? My mother left when I was 5; my dad was largely uninvolved with me unless he was angry toward me about something. As a result, I have a difficult time connecting with others; I can show love to others but I cannot receive it. I was not abused but I was not built up either. I still struggle with the issues that stem from that. As a therapist, I’m betting Dad has vast experience with this sort of thing in practice and understands the importance of teaching his child to believe in herself. I fail to see how that is instilling a sense of entitlement and “you’re better than”. Of course we live in a day and age where we want to tear others down instead of lift them up because it’s entertaining. That’s some reality right there. You bet the world is tough because we objectify others instead of seeing them as human beings. Evidently Dad gets the importance of it. He also seems to realize that you have to be able to love yourself in a healthy, balanced way to be able to love others. How the mental leap was made from that to this dad giving his daughter a princess complex and expecting boys to change is beyond me. Of course I have taught my sons to treat everyone with dignity, respect, consideration, etc. People ought at least have enough common sense to do that, what this little girl can probably handle at her age is say thank you, please, yes sir/ma’am and no sir/ma’am. And don’t worry, she’ll be getting messages about how she needs to be sexed up at her age. Kids are bombarded with it these days from the entertainment industry all the way to special interest groups trying to get their messages across in the class room.
Tom10 says
Starthrower68, Ruby, Sparkling Emerald
Maybe I should have taken Speed’s interpretation and viewed the post with some levity but Evan invited us to share our thoughts and it’s only fair that I gave my honest opinion even if it bothers some people.
Perhaps it might be inappropriate for a father to discuss with his daughter how brutal the real dating world is, but then one has to ask why is he discussing dating with his daughter at all? And if he’s going to give her dating advice — and then publish it for the world to see – I think it’s reasonable for me to question the validity of that advice. I happen to think that dating is a complex game which needs a lot of skill and awareness to navigate successfully. Simply “being you” just won’t cut it so I’m not sure of the usefulness of advising someone that it will.
I think you will all accept that a relentlessly recurring theme on this blog, and others, is men complaining about women having unrealistic expectations in dating. One has to ask where these expectations come from. Yes culture undoubtedly has an impact, but I feel it’s reasonable to question if parenting styles are also a factor.
starthrower68
“You want to talk about how it is in the real world?”
I’m sorry to read about your unfortunate circumstances and the lasting effects it had on your adult life. I grew up in similar circumstances so I’ve always been aware that I’ve been at a disadvantage and had to fight / work twice as hard as everyone else to progress in life. I managed to do well in school mainly through my own endeavour and so when I started dating I took the same approach — I don’t deserve anything for nothing therefore it’s up to me to put in the hours, the hard graft, develop an understanding and eventually I will see results. And it worked.
I don’t think that message is too bad.
starthrower68 says
Perhaps women should just be taught to feel badly about themselves because after all, we don’t want them getting too uppity now, do we?
Goldie says
Tom, I agree with both your message (as it applies to dating) and the father’s (as it applies to LTR and marriage). Yes, dating is a game, and simply being you when you’re playing a game, refusing to follow the rules because they get in the way of you being you, most of the time will lead to you losing. However, if you cannot be yourself in a marriage, if you always have to pretend, try to be something you’re not, and bend over backwards to please your spouse, one of the two things is going to break soon – either you, or your marriage. I’ve had a good deal of marriage and LTR experience and I think this dad gave good, solid advice.
Yes it goes without saying that marriage, or LTR, is a two-way street. You won’t get far “just being yourself” if, to you, just being yourself doesn’t include taking care of your partner, treating them as you want to be treated, and giving thanks and appreciation to them for doing the same. The father says it himself, right after stating that his daughter is worthy of interest: “If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won.” It is implied that she, too, will do and be all those things to her husband, but only if her husband does and is all those things to her. If he doesn’t treat her well and with respect, then no matter how handsome, funny, and wealthy he is, he’s not husband material.
Tom10 says
@ Starthrower68
“Perhaps women should just be taught to feel badly about themselves because after all, we don’t want them getting too uppity now, do we?”
Hmm, that’s not quite what I meant.
I think sometimes meaning can be slightly lost or misinterpreted in these comments. I’ll endeavor to communicate more clearly from now on.
@ Goldie
“I agree with both your message (as it applies to dating) and the father’s (as it applies to LTR and marriage)”
Yes that’s a useful distinction to make. As I have no experience of marriage I should have clarified that my comments apply to the dating game only (my experience). This might have reduced the unintentional confusion caused.
Gina says
Karl,
It isn’t one sided, read this carefully
He states “that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)”
Gina says
What the Father is saying is that you are worthy of interest for being you, there are too many women who try so hard to win a man, that they either draw in the wrong ones, or drive away the good ones… in retrospect, by accepting your worth that is not based on what you do, etc… you also are embracing the mans worth as well. It does work both ways.
starthrower68 says
There appears to You teach kids things that is appropriate to that age. And if a child does not see his or her parents behaving in an entitled manner it’s likely they will not behave that way as kids watch what parents do and model that behavior. But the way you teach a kid to deal with an unfair world is to give them a solid foundation and strong sense of self, not teach them they are unworthy of anything. I’ve raised 3 of them.
Joe says
It appears to me that while this letter is written to the child, who may currently be a preteen, it is intended for her to read it much later in life, because honestly, no preteen is going to understand all of the things the writer discusses in the letter. Heck, she probably isn’t even interested in boys at the moment (because they have cooties). So while the unicorns and rainbows in the letter may be great, a little realism could also be helpful.
LC says
I would have liked to have had a Dad that didn’t scream and yell at me, belittle me (and my Mom & sister), and not beat us. Having a Dad say nice things like this to me vs. what I got might have made it possible for me to actually know what love is. But alas, I do not. All men that I’ve attracted up to this point have been some version of my father, so I no longer date. There is no point.
bluewoman says
I absolutely love the article.
Tom10
Simply “being you” just won’t cut it so I’m not sure of the usefulness of advising someone that it will.
As a lady, you do not need to win a man over. It’s not a competition. Often I see girls pretending not to know something, so the guy ‘helps’ them. That’s how they flirt by dumbing themselves down. Or they say they love something when they don’t because they feel they need to do anything to win them over. Seriously, please stop that behaviour!
Someone who truly values you will appreciate you for who you are. Reads as: he will never ask you to change. He will respect your choices in life and foster your goals and aspirations; he wants you to be happy. He will be fascinated by your quirks and won’t mind if you suddenly gained a bit of weight or not. Because to him, who you are as an individual is more important. Also, he won’t care if you called him at 9 AM or 3 AM, because it was you who called him and he loves hearing your voice.
If you do not believe me, then ask those in successful long term marriages. Trust me, I have.
Of course, you have to present the best version of yourself when dating. Stress: best version of yourself. Not the one of your neighbour or hot girl from the movies.
If your ‘self’ isn’t good, then how on earth is anyone going to want to be with you? Read: if you are bitchy / constantly nagging, have hygiene issues, don’t take care of your image, are overly insecure, needy and always like to fight, etc, of course you will not be liked.
That’s when it is time to consider self-improvement.
starthrower68 says
I *teach* my 11 year old girl that things don’t always go our way; that outer beauty must come along with inner beauty; that everyone is a child of God. I teach her that she has value and worth. You might not agree that she does which is fine because one’s sense of worth should be internal not based on what others say. That is not teaching her she deserves something for nothing. That is helping her to navigate the unfairness and difficulties of life. She sees me work for everything we have.
Ruby says
Tom10
“I happen to think that dating is a complex game which needs a lot of skill and awareness to navigate successfully. Simply “being you” just won’t cut it so I’m not sure of the usefulness of advising someone that it will.”
Having high self-esteem should definitely be part of anyone’s arsenal in terms of having the skills and awareness needed to navigate dating. That’s basic, and the all the other stuff can be learned when a girl is older.
starthrower68 says
And last time I checked, it seems to be the consensus here that self confidence is an attractive quality. A healthy level of self esteem would seem to be part of that. Unless we’re now supposed to believe you should be confident and dislike yourself at the same time?
Scott says
I tell my D16 she has a big brain and she can do anything she sets her mind to and works hard to accomplish. I tell her she is great and I am lucky to get to be her dad. We go on Dad-daughter dinners. I thought I was helping her feel good about herself. I hope I am not encouraging her to feel overly entitled.
Girl in the midwest says
I re-read the letter, and I think the dad is not over-doing it. I especially like the sentences beginning with “I don’t care if …” So I agree with everyone who says that girls need their dads to tell them these things, and he’s being a good dad. However, in my opinion, there should be a huge asterisk saying: you only have a right to ask this from a spouse if you hold yourself to the same high standards.
For example, the father says to the daughter “…as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.” The daughter should expect this from her husband if she values every moment with her husband too. You know, the goose-gander thing. It can’t be only one side give give give.
Girl in the midwest says
@starthrower68
I agree with you that confidence and self esteem are really attractive and important in life as well, not just in dating. I think true confidence and self esteem need to have substance behind it. If not, it’s just like me telling myself I am awesome when I am shitty. Sort of like printing money with no additional wealth to back it up. The dollar will just depreciate.
What I said doesn’t conflict with what you said, I’m just adding to it. I think it’s an important part that people forget sometimes.
starthrower68 says
I am lousy when it comes to relationships with men unless its strictly platonic or professional. I am a good parent.
Tom10 says
bluewoman #39
“If you do not believe me, then ask those in successful long term marriages.”
I believe you.
starthrower68
“self confidence is an attractive quality…Unless we’re now supposed to believe you should be confident and dislike yourself at the same time?”.
As I don’t have children I’m probably out of depth discussing parenting with someone who does. You seem like a loving mother and I don’t mean to cast aspersions on anyone’s parenting techniques so I’ll refrain from saying too much on the topic.
I accept (and stated in post #15) that high self-esteem is critically important. Girl in the Midwest explained it better than I did. Basically I have a friend who drinks too much which turns women off – then he complains that women don’t accept him as he is. I feel it’s his responsibility to drink at a level that the women he’s attracted to find acceptable, not their responsibility to accept him as he is. The same goes for weight issues, unemployment, mental health issues, personality, dress sense etc.
Once the individual has addressed these issues and developed their self-esteem they still need to be realistic on who they can attract. When I read comments here from people who are looking for someone they will simply never manage to attract, I always wonder why their expectations are so out of whack with their reality. That’s where Peter’s comment about valuing your worth correctly applies. I just wondered if parenting has something to do with it.
It’s my *personal* belief that I don’t deserve anything or anyone unless I work for it — i.e. I have no expectations. That doesn’t mean I see myself as worthless or dislike myself – like Girl in the Midwest I base my self-worth on how I behave and what I achieve, not just on being me.
Ruby #41
“all the other stuff can be learned when a girl is older”
Fair point.
Scott #43
“I tell my D16 she has a big brain and she can do anything she sets her mind to and works hard to accomplish.”
So we’re in agreement then.
Lia says
I do not see pride and arrogance as one and the same with high self-esteem. I do not believe that those who are arrogant and believe they are better than others and are entitled have true self-esteem. So when a father reminds his daughter that she is enough I do not see that as a bad thing. He is not telling her – to hell with others only you count – he is telling her that her worth is an intrinsic part of who she is.
How is this a bad thing? How does this in any way lessen the value of others? How does that set her up to be selfish? If her worth is an intrinsic part of who she is then it is an intrinsic part of others as well. He reminds her of this, that others are worthy of interest also.
He writes about her future mate and that it doesn’t matter how much he makes, whether he plays golf, how he votes, the color of his skin, his religious background… how is this setting her up to pass up good guys? She doesn’t need to marry a doctor or athlete, a lawyer or captain of industry… what she needs is the man who sees her worth and she needs to see his.
I would like to ask if there are any married men commenting here. If so, is your wife aware of her value? Does she know that she is more than her education level whether it be high school graduate or PhD. Does she know that she is more than the size of her breasts or her butt, that she is more than the number on the scale or the number of years in her age because no matter the number she is who she is at her core? Does she know YOUR value? Does she know that you are more than the amount of money you can earn or your level of education? Does she see you and accept you as you are?
High self-esteem does not mean that we don’t strive to stay in shape or make more money, it does not mean that we don’t want to do the best we can in work or relationships, it just means that we don’t do these things in order to fill the vast emptiness that comes from not understanding our true value. And it is this emptiness that will never be filled from the outside
Ruby says
Tom10 #47
“I feel it’s his responsibility to drink at a level that the women he’s attracted to find acceptable, not their responsibility to accept him as he is. The same goes for weight issues, unemployment, mental health issues, personality, dress sense etc.”
But many, if not most, of these issues have LOW self-esteem at the core. If you want to be fit and healthy, you’ll exercise, give up smoking, drinking to excess, and unhealthy eating habits. You’ll work hard, and try to form good friendships. If you’re taking good care of yourself, you’re going to feel better and have a better outlook and happier personality. That’s why I said that self-esteem is basic. If you fell good about yourself, you’ll not only have higher expectations for how you want to be treated, but you’ll treat others better too, and be a better partner. Women have higher rates of depression than men do, and I think that low self-esteem is one of the reasons.
Star says
Amazing letter. My father wasn’t around to give me any kind of advice as a child, although he is sort of there for me now I’m a grown woman, but the advice in that letter is what I am starting to live by in my heart.
There are some shitty pieces of work out there. A woman needs to know deep inside herself that she is worth love, kindness and respect. Too many women accept and put up with much less, because they don’t know any better, and the men who treat them badly because they just can.
If more women had a father to tell her this stuff, there certainly wouldn’t be as much need for dating coaches, that’s for sure.
Of course men need to be treated with respect too, but a woman who loves and respects herself, and brings out the best of her feminine qualities, will undoubtably be the kind of woman most men would feel good with.