I Find Most Men Unattractive. What’s Wrong With Me?

I Find Most Men Unattractive. What’s Wrong With Me

I find the vast, vast, vast majority of men unattractive. Mostly it’s that I don’t have any physical attraction to them, but once in a while (about twice a year if I’m on a lot of dating sites, or once every few years if I’m not), I’ll meet someone I actually think is good looking (a hint here is that I find most celebrities physically unattractive, apparently my sex drive is picky but I couldn’t tell you why – although I DO have a high sex drive…).

However, I’m also aware having been through a lot of therapy after numerous and significant mental health difficulties (eating disorders etc.) that I tend to date cold or unavailable men and then not ask for more and maintain that emotional distance – essentially, I seem to have been in a habit of avoiding intimacy by going out with people I don’t find attractive, or more often than I’d like to admit, men who I know are gay before I even ask them out…otherwise they’re narcissistic or give mixed messages, or aren’t close in some way etc.

Knowing that I have that pattern, I made a promise to myself to pick up on coldness whenever I find someone attractive and to walk away. And that is something I do – I look specifically for empathy. And guess what…on those very rare occasions when the idea of kissing/sleeping with someone is not downright unappealing, they’re cold and narcissistic, and so I walk away.

Now to be honest, I’m not too bothered about finding someone in the next couple of years, I’m still young at 28 and my career is my priority right now, so I’m not in too much of a hurry, but the reason why it’s been bothering me is that I’m actually starting to worry that my family messed me up so much I’ll never be able to love anyone. I’m therapied out and no longer diagnosable – I’ve made a massive recovery and feel extremely healthy – so I don’t think more therapy is going to suddenly make me find more men attractive.

I have tried being with people I don’t find attractive – and I usually remain friends with very nice men I have tried to date but didn’t find attractive, and I’m afraid they don’t start growing on me. They just become my friend.

Have you come across this and do you think the reason I find so many men physically unappealing is because of something psychological? Some of my friends think it’s do with the bar being raised…I’m quite attractive myself and I’ve had a lot of attention from the opposite of sex since I was about 13, including the “very good looking”, so perhaps it’s just knowing what I could have and that that’s influencing me?


I feel for you, SG. I do. After all of your therapy, you are as self-aware as you can be, and yet it still seems to me that you have some significant blind spots about your problem.

Now, first of all, I want to make it crystal clear: you are not alone. Women, on the whole, are far more discerning than men when it comes to physical attraction. In the linked OkCupid study, women think that 80% of men are BELOW average in attractiveness, when, in a normal distribution, that number should be 50%. I’m not going to say whether these women are right, although THEY certainly feel they are. I will say that men, for all their flaws, are equal opportunity daters in a way that women are not. While they will still lust for the hottest woman around, they’ll ultimately marry someone in their league, which, empirically, is not always that attractive.

Men, for all their flaws, are equal opportunity daters in a way that women are not.

Your issue, however, is a little more extreme, and reminds me of a client I had a few years back. Very attractive woman — a 43-year-old personal trainer who hated online dating for the very reason you mentioned. No one was attractive enough for her. When we went through the website to take inventory, I asked her to put 40 guys on her favorites list. She couldn’t even do so. The only 6 guys she found attractive looked like 32-year-old GQ models whose preferred age range was 22-29. My client was pretty much out of luck because she found less than 1% of men attractive, including NO men her own age who wanted her in return.

Let’s just say that this wasn’t one of my success stories.

And this is where we bump up against one of my limitations of a coach. I’m not a psychologist who has been trained to delve into your past; my specialty is helping women in the present model confident behavior to elicit better results in the future. Your issue, in this instance, isn’t lack of confidence; it’s something that runs much deeper, something you only hinted at when you say that your family “messed you up.” Without knowing you, I have to concur.

Just read what you wrote to me:

“(I) avoid intimacy by going out with people I don’t find attractive.”

Sorry, but I want to challenge that assertion. You avoid intimacy by going out with people you DO find attractive — because the only people you find attractive are, in your words, “cold and narcissistic.”

That begins in your childhood, SG, usually with an absent, distant, or abusive father.

And so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The only men you’re drawn to are the worst ones; the other 99%, you eliminate because you’re not attracted to them.

There’s being discerning, and there’s being impossible, and you’ve unfortunately raised the bar so high that no man can jump it.

You seem to be somewhat aware of this when you state that you walk away from emotionally distant men — and yet you claim they’re the only people you sleep with, since the “vast, vast, vast” majority of men are unattractive to you.

And here you are, writing to me, wondering if you will ever be able to love anyone.

You have every right to worry.

I can’t “fix” you from here, but I can tell you that something is very wrong if you only find 2 people attractive “every few years.” There’s being discerning, and there’s being impossible, and you’ve unfortunately raised the bar so high that no man can jump it.

You are attracted to the wrong men for reasons beyond your control. You need to rewire yourself on what it means to be in a healthy relationship. And if it means you have to dial down your attraction from a 10 to a 7, in order to find an emotionally healthy guy, that’s a price well worth paying.

That may sound awful to you on two counts: 1) you refuse to compromise on chemistry, and 2) you don’t think that a 7 chemistry actually exists. For you, it’s all or nothing. I believe you.

But that’s not normal, it’s not healthy, and it will leave you no dating options whenever you do decide to take your love life seriously again.

Get thee to a really good therapist. You’re worth the investment.

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  1. 1

    Oh dear. This is going to start an ugly discussion. Not that the OP is bad. I agree, she’s self-aware and right to be concerned if that hindera her goals. I’m just bracing for some of the responses that are coming.

    1. 1.1
      Open your eyes

      Maybe you’re gay.

      1. 1.1.1

        My thoughts exactly.

    2. 1.2

      I’m the same. Very attractive, don’t find most men attractive. Cold distant abusive father. Not gay. Almost puke at the thought of being with a woman.

      1. 1.2.1

        Most attractive women are attracted to abusive men. Men see this behavior pattern, and they choose to either steer clear of such insanity, or they might just understandably cave and give those women exactly what they want. Women decide what kind of men exist in society, it’s through your bodies that life passes through and is generated, thus women are responsible for abusive men existing. Men have the choice of either giving you what you clearly want, which in this case is abuse, or stay away and not pass his gene on. The third option was patriarchy and refusing to let women choose their own husbands but men have so graciously done away with that, and so the fabric of society is completely undone as a result. I’m all for equal rights but it’s really sad seeing how reckless women are with it.

        1. Clare

          What a lot of unsubstantiated bollocks you talk, lol.

          Am absolutely amazed that Evan let this misogynist bullshit through.

          It’s pretty clear to me that you’re a troll though… we get these MGTOW trolls coming through here every other month or so. Well, at least you gave my eyeballs a good workout – they rolled so far back in their sockets that I got to have a good look at my brain.

        2. Aurora the great!

          Look what we have here. A red pill trash bag.

        3. jessica

          this comment from “lol” may be the stupidest thing I have ever read in my entire life. congradulations

        4. Evan Marc Katz

          The insult works a lot better when you spell congratulations correctly.

        5. Anonymous

          Women are responsible for abusive men existing ????

          GET A GRIP !

  2. 2

    Years ago, when in a long self imposed dry spell, as I began to think about coming out if it, I realized that I didn’t find moat men who I felt were in my league attractive. I made it a point to look at men and find at least one thing physically or otherwise attractive about them. It might have been nice hands, nice hair, a good voice, a sweet personality, a good laugh, the way he walked, a nice butt in jeans, whatever. Over time this exercise led me to finding something attractive about most men, enough that I could give them a chance. It made all the difference in the world. It also made a difference to “want” to be more inclusive and open-minded.

    I would also suspect that you can’t find anyone more attractive than you find yourself, and I don’t just mean your prettiness or physical attractiveness. It sounds as though, deep down you don’t like yourself very much. Suggest reading the very simple Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant. That book also helped me come out of my dry spell.

    I wish you luck in sorting out what’s really underneath the issue.

    1. 2.1

      I applaud your creativity! You challenged yourself to look for attractiveness where you were having difficulties and in doing so raised your chances of finding someone compatible. I think this is an excellent tool to help anyone look beyond their most appealing features for a man. Looking beyond just appearances truly does help. Men who appear to be less attractive at first become much more attractive as you get to know them due to a sense of humor, intelligence, a lot in common, etc.

      1. 2.1.1

        Thanks Kimberly. I agree. Reminds me of my first internet matched relationship in 2002. We met on match.com and we spent a month writing long, deep emails back and forth before he asked for my phone number. Then we spent a month having long, deep, sometimes all night, phone conversations before he finally asked me out. We lived in the same town, LOL. When I met him in person I remember thinking he looked like his photo but in more detail I could see he had a bit of a pockmarked face from teenage cystic acne. However, by that point I was too dang invested to make a snap judgment about looks. I recall several months later after I had begun to fall in love with him, I was sitting across from him in a restaurant and was struck with the thought that I could no longer see the acne scars on his face. It was as if his face had been airbrushed. All I saw was a face I now found to be extremely handsome and sexy. It dawned on me that it was a prime example of “love is blind” and I felt for the first time in my life I truly understood what that phrase meant.

        1. AN

          The problem is most men, when you are on a “date”, hit on you physically, before you get to know them.   Therefore, if you are not physically, and immediately attracted to them you are turned off. (according to studies we know in 90 seconds) Even when I tell a guy to slow it down, they continue to pawn, touch and want you physically.   So, I would LOVE to get to know the guy and have him grow on me.   But in this immediate gratification society, no one has any patience.   So, we are back to square one, be attracted to the man, then get to know them.   It hasn’t worked for me the other way.   And I have tried with several nice men that I was not attracted to, that eventually turned me off after I gave it “the good old college try”.


    2. 2.2

      You should explore the possibility of being a lesbian. Many people don’t want to come out to themselves because of the social complications, and deny their true attraction unfortunately. Also, there are asexual individuals that do not really have much of a sex drive, and thats normal too. Maybe you just don’t really want a man because of the complications of relationships.

      1. 2.2.1

        That was my quick assessment.

        Maybe you should be open to date women. Open your options, for the most part women are more beautiful and emotionally available.

        1. Jerry

          Yeah right. Lol. Woman are mostly more beautiful because they hide beyond make up. Maybe this woman is not attracted to any men because they don’t have make up on!

      2. 2.2.2
        Liz Bona

        She isn’t a lesbian. Why don’t proper just admit that most men are not attractive. I also find about one man a decade attractive and he turns out to be mental.

        1. B

          Really?   You think it’s men in general and not you?   lol

        2. CJ

          I don’t even like conventional looks and even then I rarely find men attractive.   I look around and there are so many attractive women everywhere and the men are simply not.   Conventionally good looking men are so rare and they know it, that they are almost painful to be around due to their gigantic egos. My first husband was ugly and   I found him attractive because I loved him. When I stopped loving him due to his personality – he became even uglier than before. I am definitely not a lesbian.   I tried that and NOPE, NOPE, NOPE…. So really most men are just unattractive.   And the good looking ones are up themselves. I thought for years I was asexual – but my ex took care of that!   Maybe I’m mainly asexual until something spectacular happens?   I really am not attracted to anyone, in anyway.

        3. Tyrone

          Woman looks around and rarely ever sees attractive men.

          On the rare occasion that the woman spots attractive men, those men have huge egos.

          Pot, meet kettle.

        4. Jacqueline


        5. H

          Exactly. Most men in their mid to late thirties give up. I find that us women have so much competition by age 30 so most use makeup to stall the aging and it gets us laid for another decade.

        6. Christine Leeds

          Yep same here. This woman isn’t   lesbian let’s be honest, she has high standards and most guys are fucking ugly. I like Caucasian men but all of them are bloody pasty and their faces look like they’re slow. I’ve been single Four years because I haven’t found a single attractive man since my ex and I refuse to settle. I’d rather die alone.

    3. 2.3

      Love it. Great advice. 🙂 Part of what she said in her post, I can relate to. She said she only saw a few guys over the past few years that she was very attracted to. I feel the same. And I am referring to “take my breath away” attractive. I have dated some handsome, successful men in the past – “powerful” ones. They were the most handsome (majority were honestly narcissistic – other than one) – but not the right ones for me. I live in a small area so I don’t see that many “take my breath away” men – but I’m sure they’re out there/here – I need to get out more. Just because I haven’t had that extreme reaction to men – doesn’t mean I haven’t seen attractive men. I think I can find attractive qualities in all types of people – if they are kind, compassionate – passionate – adventurous – funny – whatever it is. I am open to dating if there is something like that…I don’t need the over-the-top perfect modelesque man. Everyone is different though. It’s good to be open to seeing people differently.

    4. 2.4

      I’m taking some of your advice lol!

  3. 3
    Dina Strange

    I have similar problem, but you know what. Once I gave a chance to a guy I didn’t find physically attractive, and then i developed feelings for him. It didn’t work out because he seemed to have problems with alcohol and his mother, but the point i am making – is that’s possible to develop feelings to someone you don’t find physically appealing.

    And here I have to second Evan. If a man treats you well, attraction will come. If he doesn’t, no matter how hot he is, eventually it won’t work out.

    1. 3.1

      I’m glad it worked for you. For me forcing a relationship just leads to resentment.

    2. 3.2

      “If a man treats you well, attraction will come. If he doesn’t, no matter how hot he is, eventually it won’t work out.”

      Thank you. I need to see more of this right now. I went on a first date and second date these last two Saturdays. I agreed to go out with him because he looked like a nice guy, and I figured I would be attracted to him if I fell in love with him. Compatibility-wise, it seems just fine (eHarmony got one right, but so far just one). He is wildly attracted to me and is treating me like his dream girl. In fact, you should have heard the long list of things he rattled off for his reason for liking me. So, I’m giving him the opportunity to make me fall in love with him. Unfortunately for him, I’ve hit that stage where I’m nitpicking him and questioning whether I want to do this. I’m also not attracted to most guys on sight, so I keep telling myself: it’s been only one week. He is still contacting me, even after telling him my boundaries with sex. There are no red flags. Just let him do his thing. I’ll give it a few weeks.

      1. 3.2.1
        Dina Strange

        Well, he was also an impotent. But I think it’s because he was drinking too much. And there were certainly communication issues, where a person would shut down, no matter how much i ask for communication and then plainly told me, he wouldn’t communicate no matter what.

        To think of it, there were tons of psychological issues.

        1. CC

          Dina – There usually are tons of psychological issues with alcoholics. It’s a no win situation. I’ve tried it, they are just plain emotionally unavailable, in love with the bottle and I can’t compete with that!

        2. Josie V

          “Well, he was also an impotent. But I think it’s because he was drinking too much”


          Could have also caused by a lot of attraction. Although less frequent, men can also not be attracted to their partner.

          As for the OP, forcing yourself to be attracted to someone you’re not just doesn’t work. Her trying to be with physically unattractive men is like telling a lesbian to try to be with men. It just doesn’t work.

        3. Josie V

          Sorry meant lack of attraction.

      2. 3.2.2

        I married my husband because of the way he treated me” so well” but at the end of the day I dont have the passionate chemistry with him . I cant settle for less no matter how good the man treats me I have to have passionate chemistry and attraction which is hard for me to find despite attracting many men . Im getting divorced . Dont settle . Dont do it .

    3. 3.3

      Hmmm, @Dina strange… I’m like you; I’ve given chances to guys I didn’t initially find attractive and became attracted to them over time. However, I believe that many (most?) women arent able to make this transition. I’ve seen many women wish they could develop feelings for certain men but be unable to do so.

      Certainly, I see absolutely no proof that if a man treats a woman well, attraction will necessarily follow (and I don’t recall Evan stating this). Haven’t all of us known at least one great guy who we WISHED we could fall in love with, but we couldn’t will the feelings into existence?

      1. 3.3.1

        My problem is not that I don’t give men a chance, it’s that I rarely find the trifecta of a guy that is (1) into me (2) I am attracted to him (3) actual compatibility is present.

        I have read “Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” (in which EMK collaborated with the early 40-something author, as she pursued dating as a single mom). Based on that book, over the past two years I made a valiant effort to date men who I did not find attractive at first, hoping that “something” would click a few dates in. So far, it is not working – mainly due to compatibility issues, and a rash of avoidant communicators. But I have had a couple of girlfriends and acquaintances who married men who “grew on them” as far as physical attractiveness.

        Most recently, I have had a series of unanswered Match messages which I sent to men who I felt were “in my league” as far as attractiveness, yet ignored me. I had a nice phone conversation with a man I connected with on Eharmony, yet I felt like I had initiated most of the communication, so I left it for him to call again and he never did. It’s taken a toll on my self esteem, and while going through a lot with a difficult and stressful career change during the past year, I have been hesitant to put myself out there for further rejection and compatibility failures.

        1. Scott

          If guys on match don’t respond, it is likely you think you are much more attractive than you really are.

    4. 3.4

      In this place, I must reply with my story. My first boyfriend I wasnt that phisically atracted to. I thought he was cute, but had no butterflies. Mostly, I loved his personality, we never fought, we could talk for hours and laughed together to tears. But sex with him was not that appealing. After a few years of trying nearly everything to put the spark on, that escalated to the point, where I felt it was only my fair obligation to him. This was absolutely horrible! He was hurt, unsattisfied, I felt pressured and phisical pain after doing it.

      But, yes, as you said, although he wasnt really sexually atractive to me, I evolved strong feelings. The thought of leaving him was unsubscribably painfull, as I loved him to die for! I began to question myself, wether is it my fault, is there sth wrong with me, with my sex drive and if I can fix it. But soon I discovered, that some men do appeal sexy to me in awake feelings, that i couldnt felt with my boyfriend. There was absolutely nothing wrong with my sex drive, as i also found out in my second relationship.

      Because the relationship became a mutual suffer in a sexual view for both of us and we didnt want a relationship constantly threatened by supplement of a third person to fulfill sexual needs, we both, EXTREMELY BROKENHEARTED AND BROUSED, agried to end it.

      I loved him and missed him so much, I thought the emotional pain will kill me. I lost 1/6 of my bodyweight in 2 weeks, I cried and shook all night long for two months and feelt enourmus pain, when I remembered of him, so I cried lot and lots for him for a whole year. So did he. But we new the essential part was missing from the start.

      And that is why i must opose your view here. I personally would never do this to me again. It cost me 8 years of not having a real man-woman relationship, it cost me a year of recovery and devastating pain, that i dont want nobody to experience.

      Still, i am grateful for meeting him, as he is a wonderful person, but the pain, I would never deliberately do it in my life! True, I think I am a very emotional person, so my pain could be stronger therefore. But still, no, my advice is not to go for it, where there is no or at least not enough of sexual attractiveness.

      I am now experiencing a similar problem as the lady above, but I rather stay alone all my life then start a relationship with not enough spark, chemistry or whatever you may call it. It is less painfull. I rather choose to believe, that there is someone, that will fit me, sexualy and in his personality and wont sattisfie for less. Sexual attractivnes for me, althouh, does not mean a model like man, but a combination of sth appealing in looks and character. It seems it shouldnt be that hard, but i live in a smaller town and am not a teenager for a long time anymore. Still, I refuse to give up. And believe any of you shouldnt too. Ive learned we all, despite what commercial world tries to force us in, have very different taste in what is sexy, as ive compaired it with my friends. So lets all find each other sbd that is in some way appealing and we feel sexually drawn to. I believe this is the only healthy solution, as we dont live in the middleages or some conservative culture. My parent conscieved me so   maddly in love, so I can say I was made with and out of love. This is the most beautiful way of starting a relationship and a family. This is sth that both partners in a relationship deserve – sbdy who they feel butterflies in the stomach for and he/she, who feels them for them. I wish you all a real good sincere love!

      Nina from Slovenia, EU

      1. 3.4.1

        Great post!

      2. 3.4.2

        @Nina this is exactly what I needed to hear. I live in America and if I see one attractive man walking the street in a day it’s a miracle. I’ve been so baffled by how unattractive I see most men here. But I know as well that I’d rather be alone than settle for less, and I am comfortable being alone because I have my own goals in life that are the most important to me versus just finding a man. I don’t think people should be pushing the idea on here that you’re either gay or have something wrong with you and need to give a guy a chance. I’ve had more than 20 of my male friends have crushes on me throughout the past 6 years of my life (not being narcassistic just a fact) and I haven’t found any of them attractive. Nothing is wrong with me, it is just the standards I have for myself are higher than them. I find myself beautiful (as I hope most people do about themselves) and I am not settling for someone I don’t think is beautiful in return, it would be a dis-service to them. I’m only 24 and am moving out of the country soon, so these things do not worry me too much and I know in this gigantic world there is somebody right for everyone. If you get a bad feeling that you brush to the side  when you’re with someone that is always a sign that something is off with your compatibility. Maybe some people woman are wired differently than me and can date someone less attractive than them, but that is something I will never do. Sorry I want someone both beautiful on the inside and the outside.

        1. Jenna

          The ugliest men are American men. They have either this ugly hypermasculine look or comical looking funny look, they are far from beautiful.

          They are stocky, fat and too tall. I never had ANY attraction to big stocky men, I find them to be a turnoff. I have only liked first generation foreign men, who’s families are brand new to this country, they also make an effort to look attractive, since they know women are VISUAL, unlike American men, who have been force fed MARS/VENUS [email protected] about women.

          I can’t stand American men, most are too dense to know women have EYES in our heads, they also equate attractive men with being ” less masculine ” and shun them. The trend in the US is making themselves look as ugly as possible to ” prove manliness ” it’s an epidemic.

          I’m 5’9″ I like men no taller than that, I like thin not muscular.

  4. 4

    God you sound so much like me. Really early sexual attention from men, and shortly there after the manifestation of eating disorders that I’ve struggled with since then. The need for a LOT of emotional space in relationships. Really high sex drive focussed on very few people.

    I’ve tried just about everything I can think of to no avail. Ultimately I’ve decided its either I long arduous road to reprogram my pleasure centers and maybe have about a quarter as passionate as other people seem in happy relationships or a long arduous road to redefine what a fulfilling life looks like as a single person. Neither is ideal but it is what it is.

    1. 4.1

      Sharon- “a quarter as passionate as other people seem in happy relationships”, the key word being SEEM. I have known so many couples that look like the ideal, then get up close and the flaws and problems show up in glaring reality. I think the majority of couples end up settling for ‘good enough’. Maybe I’m telling myself that out of envy. I hope not.

    2. 4.2

      EVERYTHING you wrote in your answer is EVERYTHING that I am. From age 25 to about 20 I got   A LOT of male attention and it just kept building up my ego and had me thinking with the “I can get any guy I want” mentality. As I entered into my 20’s my standards for men changed, meaning I wasn’t just looking to date around I wanted something serious so I got a little pickier. I had some okay relationships and some really awful ones with heartbreaks. I’ve had about 4 serious dating relationships and out of those 4 I was only really crazy about 1 of them and he broke my heart and hurt me every single day so it ended sour but I’m completely over it and it doesn’t affect me anymore, the other 3 relationships were just me settling and being unsatisfied and happy the whole time and constantly waiting for the day that I can find the guy I really want. I am now 25 and I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t even know what I should do because I like a very very select type of men, for example he has to be of my culture (middle eastern) and dress a certain way or even talk a certain way, and etc. etc. Like when I say I’m picky I’m not looking for a GQ model, not at all. I just have my own particular ways of pickiness, like he obviously has to be physically attractive but I’m   not looking for a 10 I’m looking for like an 8, I believe I’m about an 8/9 when I’m all dolled up. But anyways yeah it’s very rare for me to find that type of man and like want to rip his clothes off every time I see him. And thats why I’ve tried to just date normal nice guys who weren’t my type AT ALL and there is no passion. Most recently I was with a guy for almost 2 years and I knew from day one that i didn’t like him but I tried to do that whole ‘he will eventually grow on me’ thing… yeah it didn’t work… and we fought the whole time because he knew I wasn’t into him. Anyways we broke up and I am now at a place where I’m like okay so what do I do, do I just get back into a relationship like my last one where I’m settling and there is no love and no passion and I have to lay there on the bed during sex and stare at the ceiling and count down the minutes until he ejaculates or do I just stay single forever in hopes of finding my right guy, which most likely won’t happen. I mean I’ve tried everything, I tried this about 3 or 4 different times, I’ve gone on SO many dates and I just know, I look at him and I’m like eh…. I don’t feel it but I give it a shot anyways but it never works. Oh I forgot to mention! I’ve actually come across one guy who I thought had all of the things I wanted, the type that makes me want to jump on him every time I see him, the type that takes my breath away. Well he was a complete sociopath, he liked me at first and really got my attention but he lied to me about his entire life, he lived a very mysterious ambiguous life, and I was a little skeptical about him   at first but he was so my type I couldn’t let the thought of us together go so I just avoided the red flags, things eventually fizzled out, because he started being cold and distant with me and I just had to go along with it even thought I didn’t want to because I really liked him, but at the same time i was doing my own research and figuring out his lies but I never told him that I did. Anyways he eventually disappeared out of my life and we haven’t talked in a long time. But I still think about him, not because I want him back but because that’s what I would describe as my type, like there was something about his face, it was so sexy. and I just want that feeling that I had of him back because I never ever feel that way about anyone. I always just see guys and think meh…. it doesn’t matter how great he is if I dont feel it I can’t pursue it, I’ve tried it, it doesn’t work for me. I end up so miserable and feel trapped and I feel like I’m missing out on true happiness.

      1. 4.2.1

        age 15 to 20**

        1. Aussie

          Middle eastern man – you’re setting your sights pretty low, considering their attitudes towards women.   I was with a middle eastern ‘athiest’ for over a year and that experience compared to other men, cements in me the decision to NEVER date another one again. You are making the pool of men you will date into a small, sexist harrowing and harming demographic of men.   If you have other choices, then these men, I suggest you give other men a try before you make a decision to be controlled and manipulated for the rest of   your life.

      2. 4.2.2

        Hi…just wanna say that you’re definately not alone. I have exactly the same problems as you. Most men are meh for me too. And I too have a very specific, rare type that I find attractive. Its usually older men belonging to my region and culture, those who seem to have a high iq AND eq, and I have enough of a sex drive that it makes me want to pounce on them. Alas, such men are always taken or too old to reciprocate. This makes crushes very rare and painfully long lasting, and always unrequited.

        I am reasonably good looking and fit, and there are quite a few nice sweet guys interested but I always freak out and break up after just a few dates.

        I’m doomed to be single I guess.

      3. 4.2.3

        I understand you totally! My suggestion: to not feel trapped, pursue your dreams and believe that on that path, you will meet sbd that is rihgt for you. You are a good person!

  5. 5

    I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and say that SG’s not finding men attractive is actually a fear of happiness and being loved. The eating disorders are the same thing. If she WERE to actually find a man attractive, who was emotionally available, who was interested in her and able to love her, well that would mean that she might actually have to give a real relationship a shot, that might actually mean allowing herself to be loved and having to open and available to someone. My guess is that she’s very afraid of that, and that’s why she’s shut down. Loving cold and unavailable people is simply a reflection of what’s going on inside her.

    She does have something big going for her though and that is the dawning of awareness. She realizes she needs to stay away from cold and unempathetic people, and she realizes she has a problem and wants to fix it. Really I don’t think this has to do with who she’s attracted to – I think it has to do with how much she wants a relationship (or doesn’t want one). When she starts breaking down the defences inside, and thawing and opening up, my guess is she’ll start being able to open her heart to all kinds of men. But I think the opening up has to come first, not diving headfirst into a relationship.

    SG, start by opening up emotionally to animals, friends, family members you do love, strangers… anyone who seems non-threatening. Forget about physical attraction for the moment, and try to focus on a heart/feeling connection. This is somewhere to start.

    1. 5.1

      It’s possible that you have a point, but she’s stated that she is making a conscious effort to walk away from cold/emotionally unavailable men. Given the information the LW provided, it’s probably impossible to determine where exactly the problem lies. I can only comment on what often appears to be the cause of this type of problem (which isn’t an uncommon problem, btw).

      From my experience, extreme choosiness seems to be an insecure woman’s defense mechanism of choice when it comes to relationships, while men deal this type of insecurity in other unhealthy ways. I think part of this problem is conscious, and the other part of it is the result of their current mental/emotional state. More specifically, I think insecure women often try to reject men upfront before they can become vulnerable to being rejected by men with whom they’ve developed an emotional bond. However, if they happen to be rejected by someone who is perceived as being above their “league”, even after a bond begins to form, there is probably less indignity associated with the rejection in contrast to someone who rejected her who was perceived to be in her “league”.

      The second part (the unconscious part) is something that both insecure women and men struggle with, which is the simple fact that people who see the worst in themselves are likely to see the worst in others – with the exception of people meet their idea of perfection. Think about the self-professed “nice guys” that are always criticized for ignoring the girls/women that are interested in them, while they only seem to be interested in most attractive women. It’s because they don’t like themselves. They see the worst in themselves, and as a result, they see the worst in potential partners. So, they ignore the most suitable partners that are in their “league” even when many of these women are interested in them (before they discover the lack of confidence).

      It’s the same thing with women.

      1. 5.1.1

        I think its unfair of you to say that these women see the worst in themselves and as a result see the worst in potential partners. But I will say that they have somehow been emotionally conditioned or programmed to feel the way they  do and that a lot of it has to do with their early life experiences with significant males in their lives. It has more to do with fear and a lack of trust.  For the most part, I feel like many of the responses in this posting have hit on several important aspects as to why women have difficulties with dating men.

        1. Chance

          Andrea, thanks for your reply.   You could be right.   However, I also said that men who see the worst in themselves are likely to see the worst in women as well.   Do you similarly feel that it was unfair for me to say this about men?   In addition, do you feel that many men who see the worst in women have also been emotionally conditioned or programmed to feel the way they do, and that a lot of it has to do with their early life experiences with significant females in their lives?

      2. 5.1.2



        I can’t help noticing that you often talk about this concept of “leagues,” and there seems to be a tinge of defensiveness around the way you discuss this. What is a “league” I’d like to know? Aside from really obvious examples, people who are obviously on opposite ends of the spectrum like supermodels vs someone who is overweight, balding and with bad teeth, isn’t attractiveness very much a matter of personal choice? Don’t most people fall somewhere in the middle of these two extremes, and hence isn’t there quite a lot of leeway here? Also, people’s personal preferences alter so much. My girlfriends and I don’t at all have the same taste. My one friend likes blue eyes, I prefer brown eyes. She likes thin men, I prefer men who are well-built. Some of my guy friends prefer curvy, even chubby women. Some won’t date a girl with blonde hair. I’ve sometimes found a guy attractive whom no one else thought was anything to look at but he had something quirky about him. I could go on and on about the unusual and personal dynamics of attraction.


        Even though there  are  generally accepted standards of good looking, and I won’t deny this, there is SO much variation in people’s looks and preferences.


        And even if you are talking about wealth and success when you talk about “league” – there are plenty of men who are willing to compromise on a woman who is not as rich and successful as them in exchange for a loving, supportive wife. There are also plenty of women who would compromise in this arena if a man is talented and clever and supportive and had other things to offer.


        So again I say, unless you are talking about people on the extremes of the spectrum (very beautiful versus very ugly, or very wealthy and talented versus nothing to offer), what exactly do you mean by “leagues”? Isn’t this an extremely subjective area? I have to say I’d be offended if someone suggested my partner and I weren’t in the same “league” if we loved each other. And when you talk about “However, if they happen to be rejected by someone who is perceived as being above their “league”, even after a bond begins to form” I cannot think what else you mean. If people choose to spend time with each other and be together, what exactly does their “league” matter?

        1. lol

          I’m sorry but that’s a silly question. I’m pretty sure you should know deep down exactly what league means but don’t want to accept it because it paints people in a bad light in that yes both men and women want a partner who is pretty to look at. There’s very little variation in physical attractiveness, just some people fall in love with a person who has such a great personality that they care that much less about their looks, or said person has pathology that leads him to have outlying fetish. There are subjective preferences, then there are objective universal markers of attractiveness, like having clean skin and youth.

        2. Clare


          “There’s very little variation in physical attractiveness”

          I see… so the fact that Western standards of beauty say that women should be very thin to be attractive, whilst African cultures require women to be much larger, even obese, to be beautiful… what would you call that?

      3. 5.1.3
        Lisa Renee

        I have the same issue and I don’t think this is it

      4. 5.1.4

        I’ve been very in love before and I have felt a lot of attraction to the people I have been in love with since the beginning.

        I think the problem is that as we age, people get uglier. People used to get married pretty young, and most young people, even ugly young people, are still quite attractive. So if you grew older with this person, it was probably easier to get used to their lack of attractiveness as they aged because there was true love. Society started pushing marriage to older age, and now you have millions of unattractive singles who are already to set in their ways too (when you are younger it is also easier to adapt to someone else, you are more flexible and still developing so you can grow together).

        I would have married as young as 18 if I had had the chance. When I was almost 20, my ex and I even went to Church to ask about how to get married but unfortunately, we ended up breaking up (to this day he regrets it, but it is too late). Then when I was 25 I fell madly in love again and this person kept telling me that he wanted to marry me and even proposed to me, but simply kept making excuses (while telling that I was the love of his life, that he loved me, etc.) and by the time we broke up I was 31 and guess what… suddenly I was an old maid. I read over and over that men in their 30’s are supposedly super interesting and women over 30 are desperate losers. In general, of course, these are biased and opinioned articles written by one person who apparently just holds this opinion as “truth”.

        Now, I have my own career (unlike the false narrative out there, you can be a woman who prioritizes marriage and relationships and still go to school and work and have good finances), own my house, have no debt other than a small mortgage, I am still good looking, and I have so much to offer. However, the men out there seem not to take care of their appearance at all, and the ones who do tend to be on the narcissistic side. Most men do get uglier with age and even men in their 30’s look pretty unattractive. Also, my grandfather only had a high school education but when you see pictures of him he used to dress so nicely (like most people back then), but now you have a bunch of men who dress poorly, don’t take care of themselves, look pretty unattractive, some don’t even have a good career, and they still think they are so special. Don’t even get me started about the egos of the few men who dress well and have a decent job, and are somewhat attractive. Also, it seems most men are so immature these days that it is exhausting trying to date, they could be 50 and still feel too young, not ready for marriage, etc.

        So for me, at this point I do not find most men attractive because the reality is, aging makes people uglier including men. Some will give the most ridiculous examples of men aging gracefully by pointing at a man such as rich and wealthy George Clooney without considering that he is rich and famous and will not age like the average Joe. Just look at JL at 50, Shakira at 43, Salma Hayek at 53, Sofia Vergara at 47, all extremely attractive and hot because they are also rich and famous, not some lady with a regular job that ages like the rest of humanity. In fact, Shakira is 10 years older than her life partner (they have been together 10 years and have 2 kids). A smart, rich, good looking woman who did not settle for just anyone.

        So most women today just want someone who is at least an equal. I mean, the man does not have to be perfect, but at least be somewhat at my level, and these days that’s just hard to find and I don’t think it is worth it for any woman to just be with any man. Men don’t even court these days!!

        So, it has nothing to do with low self-esteem, in fact, it is because of a good amount of self-esteem and awareness that a woman won’t settle for less, but of course, it would be bad to say that, it is always easier to blame women and try to put them down whether they settle or not. I already know quite a few very good looking women, professional, smart, between their late 20’s and late 30’s who just can’t find an equal, and if they find someone even remotely attractive with a good job, the guy thinks he is a treasure and they are a pain to be around too. I gave a guy who I found attractive a chance although he makes little money and is not very stable financially, but it turned me off that he wouldn’t even be neat at home! Like, something’s gotta give! I work longer hours and I can’t come back home to cook and clean for a guy who thinks he is so special.

        So I give up… I will remain single and happy (yes, a woman can certainly be very happy single… another sad narrative we hear is the miserable woman and happy single man. Not always true…). I don’t need to be sleeping around and I don’t want that for myself, I don’t need to lower my standards, I don’t need to be miserable just so that I can be in a relationship. If I find someone attractive again and it is a good man who loves me, then great! But if not, I don’t plan to force myself into anything anymore. I give up control and if it happens great, if not, great too because I can adopt, foster children, or just enjoy my singledom with my friends and family.

        1. Belinda

          Nice one Sonia….. totally agree with all you said…… I just wish the guys could take care of themselves….. like guys who say they are 43 look like they are 55…. and I’m a 40 year old that looks 32 so it’s a struggle.
          But yes it’s better to be alone then being taken advantage of.
          I wonder sometimes if this lack of attraction is just evolution at work.
          I also wonder why gay men still look handsome and attractive and take care of themselves and not be loser moochers. Why will men keep in shape for other men but not so much for women. And why have those attractive men that take care of themselves become gay?
          I keep coming back to evolution….. the Earth population is the highest it’s been maybe we’ve peeked as a species and this is nature’s way of phasing us out .
          But yes I agree with everyone that there seems to be 2 types of men…. the handsome men who have big egos and are useless mummies boys that will leave u in a heartbeat if another offer comes, or otherwise unattractive men who don’t take care of themselves and have no interest in bettering themselves.
          It really is a challenge 🙁

    2. 5.2

      Sometimes it is scarier for people to receive love than to give it. Especially if one or both parents were distant, uninvolved, and or abusive. It’s not even a stretch to say that receiving love, when healthy attachment styles have not been formed in childhood, can feel abhorrent. Not at all calling that healthy, but I get it.

  6. 6

    I had a similar problem & decided to take a break from dating to reassess what I really wanted in life & to get my career on track. After that self-imposed dry spell I came back to the dating world. I too had always been pursued by many guys throughout the years. That’s why the self-imposed break from dating was so important…to get used to saying no thanks to the wrong ones & to learn to appreciate the right ones. I turned down a number of really good guys. One thing that really helped me to get on the right track was learning from this blog that my pool of available dates was made up of those that are actually attracted to me. It doesn’t matter that I only find the most attractive guys of interest if they aren’t interested in me then they aren’t an option. The next step was to learn to pick & appreciate the really good guys. This was tough as I did have to accept scaling back in the chemistry department. I’ve found it to have been a totally worthwhile exercise & have now been married to one of the nicest guys I know for over two years.

  7. 7

    One of the problems with statistical studies such as the OKC one that Evan linked to is that they are only able to offer a picture of WHAT is happening, not WHY.

    Long before that particular study came out, I had noticed the same thing; most women (not all) consistently UNDER-rate men. To put it on the somewhat-over-used 10-point scale, women tend to think that guys who are 8s are “average”. And they view guys who actually ARE average, (5’s) as being 2’s – well down into the unacceptable range.
    Since there are so few actual 8’s, 9’s and 10’s in the world (less than 10% of the populace, by most estimates) this gives rise to the common view that “there just aren’t any good men.” When, in fact, most women are surrounded by good, available guys that they are overlooking, just because they are aiming impossibly high.

    As to WHY this is the case… my speculation (not proven, but, I think plausible) is that this is a recent phenomenon brought about by the overwhelming influence of TV, movies and lately, the Internet. Women (and men) are bombarded with pictures of good-looking actors and models, giving the impression that these stellar individuals are typical. Of course, they’re not; most are heavily made up, photographed from the best angle, and then Photoshopped, to make them look far better than they ever would in real life.

    Now, the fly in the ointment is that while men are well aware that women wear makeup, and tend to mentally compensate for that when looking at celebrity photos, I suspect that women _don’t_ mentally tend to make the same allowances for men. So the male actors, who spend just as much time in the makeup chair as the women, get disproportionately regarded as being representative of what men SHOULD look like.
    Thus women tend to think that real-world men are unattractive, whereas men don’t make quite the same lopsided error about women.

    The problem is – I don’t know how to solve this. Maybe the LW needs to go live for a few years in a country without TV, where all the men are truly ugly? Then when she returns, the guys here will look refreshingly attractive! OK, that’s probably not a realistic suggestion.

    It’s pretty tough when you look around, and think that everyone is beneath you. Personally, most women that I’m attracted to are, at best, average in appearance. But then I love a woman who is smart and creative, and energetic, and I just don’t put that much stake in appearances; I guess I’m kind of old-fashioned.

    Maybe the LW can spend some therapy time on WHY she thinks everyone is unattractive? Maybe that will uncover some basic personality trait that’s holding her back.

    1. 7.1
      Karl S

      I always assumed men rated low on Okcupid because, generally speaking, women rate men’s attractiveness more holistically – their demeanor, their status, the quality of their voice. The overall sense of “Alpha” that they can project. The okcupid study only goes by imagery, which means a lot of men who might have been considered attractive had they met in real life suddenly became below average and only the very few men who are supreme physical specimens managed a good rating. Of course, I could be wrong about all that too.

      1. 7.1.1


        I believed that at one time, too; that women considered the “whole man”, so to speak.

        I got an inside look at this by working for a while at an in-person dating organization. It was a real eye-opener. Without going through all the details, it seems that, no: women form an impression of a guy within about 1 second of spotting him, and their estimate is generally based pretty much entirely on looks & height, with a small admixture of wealth involved. Basically, they glance at him, and decide right then and there how attractive he is, and whether or not they are interested in finding out any more about him, or just moving on to the next prospect.

        In other words, they essentially do the same thing most men do, just on slightly different criteria. I guess this shouldn’t come as a surprise; humans are all very visual creatures; I’ve been told that 70% of our information comes in through our eyes.

        1. Scott

          I do not think this has to do with being visual so much as typical sexual power dynamics. Women are the gatekeepers. The typical female can have 70-90% of men “on demand”. If the female is willing, most men will be. There is no biological / evolutionary benefit to women finding the “average” guy attractive. If you mate with an “average” guy, you will have average offspring. No evolutionary advantage there.

          Since access is not a limiting factor for women, they don’t select on that. Unlike men, who generally are willing to “take what they can get” and hence select based on access, most women select on quality. All women are looking to mate with above average men. Significantly above average. Unfortunately, there are not enough Top Ten Percent guys to go around. Luckily, in the modern age, being top 10% in size is not as important a survival trait as it used to be. Unfortunately, women’s wiring has not caught up to advances in medical science, tool-making, etc.

        2. Nina

          Thats why I dont like dating sites. You cant realy feel a persons “vibe” from the pictures, people are displayed like items in a shopp and there is nothing spontanious about it. Its teribble for me to think, how i am telling a story to my kids or grandkids: you know, it was like this, grandma chose me on the dating site…. horrible!

      2. 7.1.2

        As a woman, I think you are dead on with that comment, Karl. There is a huge difference between a good-looking man and an attractive man. All females (of all species)  are deeply wired to look for a male with a certain “energy” and specific traits (the ones best suited to ensure survival). Pretty faces have very little do to with that.

        And most women are not able to “read” a man’s energy from a picture. Therefore, it is extremely hard to judge actual attractiveness from only a picture, short of  two obvious traits –  physical strength and an extremely well-sculpted facial structure. Or –  the supreme physical specimens – as  you put it.

        But those two traits alone do not make a man attractive. His energy and personality traits are way more important (to the primitive instinct of  survival, at least).

        If key character traits were added to the pictures, the outcome of “attractiveness” would likely change completely.



        1. Nina

          I fully agree with you, Sylvana.

    2. 7.2

      I read that OKCupid study and what isn’t being disclosed here is that, while women rated the men lower in attractiveness, they still DATED the ones they considered to be 4’s through 6’s. So, women may have felt that men, in general, were a lower level of attractiveness but it didn’t stop them from pursuing relationships with them. The women also tended not to contact a man if they felt he was out of their league. Not so with the men.

      The study showed that men, quite unlike the women, were aiming WAY above their own “attractiveness” rating, many completely ignoring the mid range women (like themselves) while flooding the “hottest” women with attention. Naturally, a lot of them would then complain that they didn’t get any response from women on the site. There’s a serious disconnect going on here.  

      What this study really showed was that women were far more practical and would consider a man for more than his appearance, while men seemed to have grossly unrealistic expectations regarding potential dates.   This is why men complain that “all” the women ignore them while there are plenty of decent women on the site wondering why they can’t get a date.

      1. 7.2.1

        Al- excellent use of logic and assessment of this situation. Very accurate. Go to the head of the class!!!!

      2. 7.2.2

        Al, your assessment would only make sense if their ratings formed a normal distribution, which it didn’t.   Instead, it was positively skewed.

      3. 7.2.3

        This is SO true. What’s with all these men saying that women can have their pick of guys? I am an average-looking woman (5″6, 135 lbs, in my 30s, have never been married and have no kids), and I contact average-looking men on dating sites. Most of them don’t respond. The ones who do write to me are usually older, overweight, or foreign (sounds harsh but I prefer someone with the same language and cultural background, so I generally ignore those messages). I won’t even bother with  “good-looking” guys, since it seems all the average ones are chasing models.

  8. 8

    Have you been checked out physically? Maybe your problem is medical rather than psychological. You say your sex drive is high, but how are you releasing that? If you have not had one lately, maybe you should get a full medical checkup as there could be physical and medical reasons for not finding men attractive. At least then you can rule them out.

    1. 8.1

      That’s a very good thought! Kudos to you.

  9. 9

    I don’t know if this will help. But I had a female friend that dated a lot but just didn’t click with anybody. I suggested taking a break from online dating and try something like meetup and go out and just have fun meeting people you have things in common with. Without the intention of dating.

    Sometime after doing that she met someone she clicked with. Didn’t happen over a single meetup or anything. Just organically. They’ve been dating for a while now so I guess things are going well.

    Although I have no problem finding the opposite sex attractive. I know from experience many women I wouldn’t have initially found attractive became very attractive once I got to know them in that kind of setting.

    Good luck.

    1. 9.1

      Gosh, am I the only one that is more concerned about whether or not their penis works? I guess mechanics wins out over aesthetics in my world. I’m practical.

  10. 10

    As we discuss this letter, I guess I wonder a bit about our definitions of “attractive.” SG seems to equate “good looking” with “attractive” but I’ve found plenty of handsome men to be unattractive and have been wildly attracted to a couple of down-right ugly men. So, I’d challenge SG to open herself to physical attraction based not just on looks but on other traits, too: the way he places his hand in the small of your back as you walk through a restaurant; his eloquence; his warmth when talking about his nephew; the way he smells; the crinkles in the corners of his eyes when he smiles at you…. Maybe you can learn to find some of these kinds of qualities as sexy as I do.

    1. 10.1

      So true! My thoughts exactly. 😉

      I tend to think in terms of handsome/beautiful vs sexy. My own appreciation of beauty has never been tightly locked up with sexiness, It’s a curious thing, because looks are obviously important to all of us. But if looks are the strongest appeal, you might just as easily be attracted to a mannequin.

      This is where a bit of self-awareness rreally pays dividends — understanding what it is that continues to hold your attention over time gives you a great shortcut for connecting with a man you’ll ultimately find wildly attractive even though he may not stand out in a crowd.

  11. 11

    This seems to be the trend but it doesn’t explain all the cute girls featuring ugly men as dates/boyfriends out there. However, I did notice one thing yesterday in San Diego, women paired with ugly men do check out better looking guys when they spot them, especially with other women and you can tell they might be thinking, what am I doing with this dud when I could have THAT?
    Many times women are with ugly men because the good-looking ones are taken or are gay.
    Just like the OP though, there are men who cannot date unattractive women. I am one of them.

    1. 11.1

      Zebedes, Unattractive women with more attractive men is far more common in the USA mostly due to a under 40 single 120 male and 100 female ratio. But I agree sometimes a dude gets lucky but usually the uglier man has a good job combined with some level of status. Also around 35-40 a women’s looks fade and she gets more realistic about her options or adopts cats…

      1. 11.1.1

        Mikeh71 –

        True. The reality of life is this, past 35-40, in America, there is an age issue for younger women. They want some good-looking, fit guy with a good job, personality, sensuality, etc. THEIR own age. Which is fine. The real problem is when they start referring to older men as “creepy” or “perverted” simply because MEN are biologically interested in younger women, which works great in Eastern Europe and S. America. I have friends who are 45 and married to 22-25 year old Brazilian girls who could care less about age as long as the guy takes care of his body and looks good. They do not use this when I am 50 he will be 70 mentality. Who cares? Maybe he will be 70 and look great and you at 50 will look like your 65-70.
        I think people should stop the age issue and focus on the person because, EVERYONE will get older and they will face the very same problems they avoid now. Karma is guaranteed when it comes to ageing. So, when American women can’t find the guy that has it all, they say they are unattractive to men or older men. Spolied.
        That’s why I go foreign and I am sooooo very happy doing that. I have more dates a week than ever with lawyers, engineers, MBAs and other professionals 15-20 years younger than I. All this happened when I basically gave up on dating American women with all their demands and most of them have little to offer in return. They make high demands but put little on the table.
        So I am much happier now that I found a real solution to a real problem: culture.

        1. starthrower68

          You go friend!!! You sure are showing women!! *eyes rolling*

        2. Yeah right

          Nice fantasy. You should write books!

        3. pat

          Lol.   Ok….   So if you’re truly beating off the foreign young babes with a stick, why exactly are you on a dating advice website targeting American women?   Something doesn’t add up in your story.   True alpha males don’t need to tell or convince others that they are alpha (in fact, the alphas that I’ve actually met are completely unfamiliar with the “alpha” and “beta” nomenclature). You know why?   Because they are actually out there living their exciting, fun lives and not sitting around on the internet trying to convince American women that they are undesirable and unwanted.

          I’m not interested in short or bald or significantly (10yrs +) older men.   Guess what?   I don’t visit dating websites that try to help these men find love and sit around telling them how useless or undesirable they are to me.   Can you see why your comment comes off as sounding both bitter and purposely inflammatory?

        4. Sylvana

          I guess those women are fine screwing their 20 year old gardeners when they’re husbands get too old  for the equipment to keep up with their wives’ needs.

          I really don’t want to be offensive, but one has to be a little realistic here. They don’t mind the older men, because they either want the financial security, or the men are excellent lovers (for as long as the equipment works, at least).

          Depending on where she is from, a $20,000/year income and a run-down mobile home might be better than what she would have otherwise. (not like there is anything wrong with that  lifestyle).

          But to expect a woman who works her butt off to stay physically attractive and works hard to support herself to settle for a man who doesn’t set the same standards for himself is absolutely ridiculous.

          You don’t expect a physically fit, successful man to settle for a lazy, overweight woman.

          Then there’s the other obvious reason – with few exceptions, a man in his 60s or older will absolutely not be able to keep up with a woman in her 40s when it comes to sex. Unless she has no desire left, a relationship like that is pretty much doomed from the start. Especially, since there are plenty of 20 year-olds out there more than willing to get the job done.

          And the other obvious reason – life expectancy. While there are no guarantees for anything, chances are, a much older partner will be around a lot shorter amount of time than one her own age. Leaving her alone too soon to start the search for a partner all over again.

          In your opinion, a woman who has it all (a well-maintained body and looks, a great career, etc.) is making way too many demands when she’s asking for her equal (a man who has it all, in her age range), with nothing to offer in return.

          Your are obviously not a very proud male if you have to settle for someone with much lower standards.

          Perhaps, instead of trying to date someone (at least near my age group)  similar to my average-looking, average income self, I  should look for a date in some country where the culture would consider me a queen.

          Wouldn’t that be a nice boost to the ego? (not to mention so much easier). lol

        5. Nina

          Sylvana, you totally nailed it again. You are a great thinker! 🙂

        6. Alise

          I am 40, good looks, plus great education, but older man aren’t something I would willingly conconsider, and only for one reason- they are far from being in good like Van Damme… When they age!

          The older they get the lazier they get,     fact! Especially those who never took any care of themselves.

          Well, we women are judged by looks, properly hearing number 40 some judgement has slipped in head already, but I want sexy man beside me, not a coach potato.

      2. 11.1.2

        OMG. Where are all of these fine looking older men? The guys I keep meeting who are over 40 have massive beer guts, are balding and pale, as if they never bother to go out in the sun anymore. I live a very active, outdoor life and these guys huff and puff on even a beginner hiking trail. I doubt they’d even FIT into my kayak. It’s simply not true that men in general age better. That’s just the wishful thinking of older men who still think they can score with younger women. Look around you the next time you’re out in public and try to guess the ages of passersby. You’ll be underestimating the ages of at least half the women. Those who you think are 35 are probably over 40.   SOME older men are hot enough to attract younger women but they are very, very rare, which is why you hear guys on here touting the benefits of going to foreign countries to find women who are economically disadvantaged enough to consider them.   Seriously. You guys aren’t as sexy to us as you think you are. The OKC study reveals what women really think of men. We just overlook appearances more than men do for other qualities. We have no choice.

        1. Al

          George, you DO understand that James Bond is a fictional character, I hope. That’s not reality.   Sure, Roger Moore (the actor) is a very attractive guy. I never said there weren’t ANY sexy older men, just that they are very, very rare. I stand by that. celebrities are usually the 1% of the 1% as far as looks go. Normal people just don’t often look like that. And the bias against women in film is responsible for younger women being paired with older men. It’s only because old white men run the industry, not because famous women aren’t just as attractive, if not more so. Look at Christie Brinkley, She’s 59 and easily surpasses Moore at the same age. Iman is 57, Andy McDowell, 54 and Raquel Welch looks fabulous at 75!

        2. Buck25

          Sure you have a choice; share the few men who you  think   are good looking enough to suit you. A for the rest of your stereotyping of older men, I’m 67, ; at , 5’9, 157, I can not only fit in your kayak, I can handle it too; how many class IV and class V rapids have you personally run? Ever done the Appalachian Trail (As in all of it, Maine to Georgia?) I have (in my late fifties). I’m not fat, I’m not bald,   I still have my own teeth, and no, I don’t need any little blue pill to get it up when I can find a woman attractive enough to make me give a damn. Don’t fret yourself though, I don’t date children; women under fifty aren’t old enough to date me. As for what women”really think of men”,   I hear the contempt and hatred loud and clear. I don’t think any man could read more than a couple of threads on this blog, and have any illusions about that (though how much of it is fact, and how much is a bunch of insecure B.S. bravado from some of the slightly past prime time distaff set here is an interesting matter for speculation).

          Don’t like my attitude? Don’t throw out stereotypes, and you won’t get it. I don’t toss out the ones about peri-menopausal and post menopausal women; I leave that to men who show the same kind of respect and class you just did. I just happen to not like getting lumped in with lazy slobs who don’t try to stay fit. By the way, since you have zero interest in older guys, just why the hell do you care who any of us date (or try to date)?

        3. Al

          Buck: You’ve misunderstood my message. I was engaging in a little hyperbole up there just to make a point. Thanks for taking the bait. See, men come on here and throw around truly disgusting stereotypes about how all women over a certain age are hags, while touting themselves as God’s Gift to the younger generations of women. Then, when a woman feeds them back their very own arguments you all freak out and throw hissy fits about “stereotypes” and try to sound all mature all of a sudden (reference your post).
          Um, yeah.   You use a totally different standard when a guy is speaking than you do when it’s a woman. That’s why I’m calling BS on your arguments above. If you actually believed any of that you’d be criticizing men for saying exactly the same things about us, but you never do that. You only defend them so it’s not about WHAT’S being said. It’s WHO’S saying it. In a different post you said, “You do get that I could take what you just said and apply it to some women online as well, right?” OK. Let’s try your suggestion. Take everything you just said to me, flip it, and apply it all to George. See how well it works? Perfect fit.
          See, the difference between men like you and George and me is  that I am PERFECTLY aware of my expiration date. Many men seem to be totally and hypocritically unaware of theirs. I know very well that I’m going to get older, less attractive and more frail and so will my man. That’s how life breaks down and I’m cool with it. Then again, I’m not the one on here saying that older people of the opposite gender might as well be put out to pasture. That’s George. I date within my own age group, NOT 10 to 20 years younger. BOTH genders age and we ALL get less attractive. One gender doesn’t actually age better than the other. It’s all individual, involving genes to some degree and healthy habits as well.   

        4. Al

          Hey George, look when brilliant words Buck has for you…


          “I hear the contempt and hatred loud and clear. I don’t think any [woman]  could read more than a couple of threads on this blog, and have any illusions about that (though how much of it is fact, and how much is a bunch of insecure B.S. bravado from some of the slightly past prime time distaff set here is an interesting matter for speculation).
          Don’t like my attitude? Don’t throw out stereotypes, and you won’t get it. I don’t toss out the ones about [midlife crisis patients]  ; I leave that to women  who show the same kind of respect and class you just did. I just happen to not like getting lumped in with lazy slobs who don’t try to stay fit. By the way, since you have zero interest in older women, just why the hell do you care who any of us date (or try to date)?

          Nice job Buck! You sure told him!


        5. Buck25


          If you notice I didn’t give “George”   (whoever he is,) any words of approval either; he’s created a lot, if not all, of his own problems with his porn addiction, with a few other odds and ends thrown in for good measure. He’s not hurting anyone, except himself. I have no idea why any rational woman would care what he thinks or does; That would be like me actually caring what some 40year old woman who only dates college boys does. If anything, she’s her own enemy, not mine; her preferences have zero impact on me, since she’s not in my target group to begin with. Likewise here; nothing I can say to George, or any of the guys who want to go get themselves a young, Third-World mail order bride, beyond “If that’s what you want, go for it…and deal with whatever consequences ensue.” What gets said here is not going to change them (and I suppose if anything, it’s actually better for my own self interest if they do that; less competition for me)

          As for your comment, about throwing those stereotypes about older women around, I personally don’t do it, nor do I back up other guys doing it. I have , more than once, called out guys for doing exactly that, including one instance in another thread just the other day when a guy came in slinging all sorts of stuff about menopausal women being “bat shit crazy” among other things. I not only replied to him, I took the stereotypes and misinformation he posted apart, piece by piece, and informed him that I for one did not find his posting of what was clearly inflammatory (and largely inaccurate) stereotypical garbage helpful to anyone of either gender. I just don’t see age-based group attacks on either gender’s masculinity, femininity (or supposed lack thereof) as anything but stirring up more hate and contempt where there’s already enough misunderstanding, hurt and disillusionment.

          This is not a gender war, Al, except for those on both sides who want to make it one. But for a fortunate few, dating (especially online) is difficult, often hard to comprehend, and often laden with frustration and disappointment. A lot of time the results are painful for men and women alike. The anonymity of cyberspace lets us all treat people, even whole groups of people, in a way we wouldn’t in real life. Half the time (and this is both genders) we skim profiles so fast that we don’t even read and respect each other’s boundaries and preferences (hence my comment to Sandy). We don’t have to act like that, it usually doesn’t get us anything: but we do it anyway…because we can, because we’re frustrated with the opposite sex, so who cares how they feel, because we feel desperate…and every time we do that, we throw a few more coals on the fire. Then we come on here, maybe not feeling too charitable, someone says something we don’t like, and the first instinct too often is to immediately hit not the offending individual but the whole frustrating, amorphous “THEM” right where we think it will hurt the most.

          I don’t come on here, and bash all women over 35 or over 40. If I felt that way, why would I date the women I date, in their fifties and sixties, mostly? I get frustrated with some of them, feel bad for others, but some are also pretty nice attractive women, so I keep trying, even when it seems futile (as it often does).

          I get the fact that most women think most men aren’t attractive enough to turn them on. I won’t speculate as rot why, because I don’t think it matters, nor do I expect the attitude to be malleable; it is, what it is, and I don’t expect it gets any better as we age; experience tells me otherwise. Honestly, I don’t care to be the guy some woman decides to see if she”can make herself feel something for”; I’ll leave that to those with no self-respect. My only hope is that since women are not a monolith, any more than men are, one might come along who thinks I look presentable enough for her to actually be attracted to; who know, she might be someone I can be attracted to as well. If not, well, we can’t all win this game, can we?

        6. Al

          I steadfastly agree with almost everything you just said. The one thing I’ll point out is that, while you are correct that you didn’t offer George any approval, you also let HIS intolerant comments stand without any challenge at all. You only jumped into the fray when I (a woman) responded to his nasty criticisms with a dose of his own medicine. Essentially, you jumped on my reply while completely ignoring the original (and even more intolerant) comments from George that instigated it. This makes it seem as though you really only take issue with stereotypes and gender bashing when women do it, while letting men slide on the same behavior. If you did chime in on a dude in another thread then kudos to you. I’ve often spoken up to women on here as well when I thought they were being unfair. I guess the problem is that we only have the thread we’re actually on as a reference point.

        7. Buck25


          Thank you. Now you wonder why I didn’t jump in on George’s case? First of all, he came in here like a caricature, and set himself up like a sitting duck for any of you with the gumption to take potshots at him at will. Second there were at least three women already in this thread (you, star thrower, and Henriette), who I know from experience are all more than capable of dealing with that particular version of   trolling (I believe that’s exactly what his intent was; if not, it was certainly a good imitation), and you did not appear to be having any difficulty doing just that. Third, the more he went on the better job he did of dismantling his own contentions about women; He was self-destructing rather well on his own, so I thought it best to just let him keep doing it.

          This was in contrast to the other thread I mentioned (wish I could locate it) where the poster in question came in under the guise of an apparently serious argument, and then proceeded to throw out one piece after another of misleading and downright inaccurate stereotype, presented as statistical “fact”. He was talking about something which is a current or recent issue for a number of the women in my life, including the ex-wife I still respect as a friend, a number of close women friends, and a girlfriend or two. So I was familiar, from a male point of view, with the truth of the matter, and I gave him a full rejoinder from exactly that perspective, because it seemed called for in the circumstances. I’ll do that just as readily as I jumped on what I felt was an over-generalized attack on older men as a group, from you. After all, you could have finished carving up George without resorting to that one (you were all doing just fine as it was).

          We all get angry, frustrated and resentful here at times and we could all stand to be a bit more restrained; let’s face it, we’re discussing some pretty sensitive issues. I expect garbage from the occasional provocateur (both genders) but what gets under my skin is unnecessary venom among regulars here who are usually better than that. We’ve all done it, or something close, occasionally, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing, or contributes anything worthwhile to the discussion.

        8. Andrea

          Al, started reading this thread you had going with these guys  and I feel your pain. You sound like a very decent person trying to talk sense to  a wall. These guys give validation to the feelings women are expressing in this article. Self entitlement and self gratification and arrogance  aren’t attractive in either gender, guys or girls.

        9. lol

          Society has nothing to offer them, neither do you. Sorry to be so blunt it probably hurts feelings but that’s just how it is. Unless a dude is a complete pussified chump by the time he’s 25 or so he’ll start to realize that there’s just more satisfying things in life than women, and that you’re a cost that is not worth the price.

    2. 11.2

      That’s actually pretty sad George. You may be laughing now but I doubt you’ll find it all that amusing in a few years. Eventually, you won’t be hot enough yourself to rank with the Porn star level women and then you’ll be unable to get it up for anyone who’ll have you. You’ve internalized Porn’s unrealistic image of womanhood and now you’re unfit for a real woman. This is happening more and more as young men get hooked on internet porn, which is way harder and less reality based than anything our generation had. It’s ruining our boys for future romantic relationships. It’s pathetic.

      1. 11.2.1

        Uh-huh, Al,

        And maybe in a few years, you won’t be hot enough to attract men younger than the ones you so lovingly stereotyped. You also won’t be attractive to even those men either, not anymore. Better enjoy that power trip and hating and ridicule now; you won’t be doing it then. That’s when you  get to feel rejection, that’s when you get to be invisible. After your snide comments earlier, I’d love to be a fly on the wall, and see how much you succeed dating after sixty five; you will get there, one day, and find that the only thing with a lower market value than an older man is a woman of that age; better hope you’re not single when that day comes, and all you get is ignored. I think there’s a certain rough justice in that, in the end.

        1. pat

          “…the only thing with a lower market value than an older man is a woman of that age.”

          What an awful thing to say.   All people human beings have value (market or otherwise).   I’m older now and in the “unattractive” age group of women (mid-30s).   I do my best to look nice, but I openly acknowledge that I’m not as cute as I was when I was mid-20s.   I’m always amazed when men are interested in me, as I’m sure there are more beautiful women they could pursue.


          But what I’ve realized is that some men value more than just looks.   If you are kind, funny, happy, and offer intelligent conversation, a surprising number of men will be interested, despite fading looks.   Some men enjoy talking to women who grew up in the same era – listening to the same music, watching the same shows, getting the same cultural references, etc.   Shame on you for superficial view of women.   I guarantee there women out there who are the same age as you who are also better looking than you.   Guarantee.

      2. 11.2.2

        Al, I’m 99% sure George is bitter and purposely winding u up, and your falling for it. To be fair, it’s not very nice for men (any men, not just George) to hear that many women find so many of them unattractive. A lot of women have rather high standards with mates.

      3. 11.2.3

        Nat: I’m sure you’re absolutely correct that it’s not nice for men to hear that some women have very high standards for dates that would exclude them. It’s not nice for ANYONE to hear that, Man or Woman. That’s essentially my point. Maybe you’re right and George is just trolling us. That would explain a lot actually.

  12. 12

    We are all assuming you are heterosexual. Are you? Its perfectly ok if you are not. Maybe you don’t find most men attractive because you are not attracted to men period. Are you trying to force a square peg in a round hole?

  13. 13

    at the end of the day when the pain of not having what you want becomes so strong you will find a way to find out what is really important to you and will see people in a different light, until then in my opinion you simply are not ready

    1. 13.1

      Sometimes someone comes into a conversation and states a simple, clear principle from which all other things can be derived. This is it.

  14. 14

    Lots of men share the problem of not finding the vast majority of women very attractive. More precisely, as a general rule, men over 45 or so are not attracted to women in their own age. This is a man’s dilemma: being attracted to younger women that you cannot get while feeling no chemistry for women your age that might be into you — lol

    1. 14.1

      This is SO true. The only thing that solves this problem: fitness for your age and money/personality. No way out, unless you go foreign. Then these age issues go away unless you’re past 65-70.

      1. 14.1.1

        I would have a difficult time believing that American women Are all that bothered or threatened by American men going overseas. Most people just go on with their lives and don’t lose too much sleep over that sort of thing.

        1. Yeah right

          I’ve yet to see one of these “foreign women are better” guys that wasn’t hideous and/or possessing a wretched personality.

        2. fireice

          The only older, 46 yrs old, guy I know who married a foreign younger woman, is a man with a crappy personality.

          He did date women in his 30s, 40s, but not even women his same age wanted him. He is a friend of my brother’s. I’d never date this man either.

          So now everyone knows him as the guy with the mail-order bride. The poor woman had to accept him in exchange for a better life in the U.S.

          The mail-order bride sacrificed herself. She told me she is able to send money to her parents, nieces and nephews.

          No one believes she loves him, of course. He has a nasty personality, and not attractive at all.


          It wouldn’t surprise me if she divorces him after she is stable enough to make her own money here without needing him.

      2. 14.1.2

        Yeah Right,

        So I’m actually going through this now.   I found out my pseudo boyfriend has been going to Kiev.   This is not a hideous looking man.   Handsome, Accomplished, Multi Lingual, Pilot, etc.   Great in bed.   I can only think it’s an emotional response to something in his past.   There are many opportunities here.   I’m thinking there is some kind of Hero Worship that is felt with these foreign women.   That men find them to be so grateful and American women spoiled.   Not sure what they mean by that.   I’m certainly not spoiled.   But he is 57 and I know he feels this is his last chance.   This just really disappointed me.

    2. 14.2

      I went to college 2006, with a handful of European women – who were all getting school and rent etc. financed by their much older husbands. They seemed to want the same things from American men- ” I vont fake boobs, veneers, bmw, designer jeans… etc” ALL of them have since divorced. The women are now with guys there own age. It can work,… for about five years, with these conditions met. Not happily ever after, so long as you get that is probable outcome….

      1. 14.2.1

        i meant “their” ,so there 🙂

      2. 14.2.2

        It’s hilarious that men are able to delude themselves that just b/c the price to pay is cheaper overseas, it means that the women really don’t care about looks or money. Um, they care about money and green cards, it’s just that as you said, they get what they came for and leave.
        I saw an article in the NY Times about all of these middle class men who were married to women in South Asia and it was funny b/c a lot of them moved there for their 20 something brides and found that they become the ATM not just for the supposedly non-materialistic foreign bride but also for her whole family. The article was so funny. Again the only difference is that it was retired skilled tradespeople and union guys whose pensions gave them enough cache for gold diggers on other continents.
        I’ve also seen documentaries with these clueless, delusional men who are pawing at some unfortunate mail-order bride who clearly is repulsed but has come, sometimes with a child in tow, for a chance at a better life, even though the man she is married to clearly nauseates her.

        1. Henriette

          Hah – I completely agree, Nicole. When I hear/ read Western men complaining about the materialistic women from their own countries, I realise that what they’re really upset about is not that these women are shallow but that they (the complaining men) can’t afford the “price of admission”. When they find 2nd- and 3rd-world women l~ who expect financial support but simply at a lower level ~ that they can afford, they feel proud of “shelling out,” like they are big tycoons.

          I’d have a lot more respect for these guys if they were honest: “It makes me feel bad about myself that I’m not rich enough to buy the affections of a younger, more attractive gold digger from my own country. Thank heavens there are plenty of places in the world where even my salary seems relatively impressive, and where conditions are so unsavoury that pretty young women will sell themselves for the chance of a more stable future.”


        2. Chance

          Say what you want about the men who come around here and put down Western women in favor of marrying Eastern European or South Asian women. You’ll get no push-back from me. That said, a lot of men who explore these options are not men who proudly claim that “Western women have nothing to offer”. Many of these men are well-meaning, but they never acquired the necessary social skills to know how to even begin to talk to a woman, which is certainly a skill to be learned. I don’t think it really has to do with willingly paying a (lower) price for a foreign PYT over a nice woman their own age who would like to date them at home. Those women don’t exist for them at home. I actually work with a guy who is trying to do this. Good person, but I suppose he spent his entire life studying and generally working hard to get to where he is that he never took the time to step out of his comfort zone while growing up. He has to know what he’s getting into, but I guess a few years of female companionship is worth blowing what he’s earned to this point. It’s sad, and I think it’s an important distinction to consider before you get your kicks out of other people’s misfortunes.

        3. Henriette

          @Chance. I don’t get my kicks from the misfortunes of good-hearted guys who genuinely can’t make a go of it with Western women because of inadequate social skills. You are right; my disdain is reserved for the kind of men who come to this site ~ where most women are trying their best to learn how to be better daters and partners ~ and tell us that we are entitled, fat, slutty and greedy but that foreign women will treat them like kings.

        4. Nicole

          @Chance, the men I’m talking about in these articles and documentaries all went on the record to slam how awful and shallow and materialistic Western women were. So it’s hardly amusing myself with anyone’s misfortune so much as not feeling sorry for misogynists who thought they could find a “hot” and young woman to control by changing countries.
          Also, in the case of a man who decided to make a business after finding his “superior” Russian bride, he set up parties of men who flew over to Russia with the exact same mentality, and the result was a lot of women under 30 who had been told they were meeting men their own age and who were shocked to find out that the men were all 20+ years older than them. The translator captured their (justified) disappointment. And the handful of women who were mid to late 30s found themselves ignored. It was pretty gross. The men believe that these very young women don’t care about “looks and money” and the women think they are at least going to meet American men who are their chronological peers instead of men who are old enough to be their dads.
          So yeah, if not sympathizing with them somehow makes ME a bad person, so be it.

        5. Yeah right

          LOL sounds like a guy friend of mine who’s sweet foreign girl half his age milked him out of his life savings. When they were dating it was family members back home dying every month and the family needing money for the funerals. Then she claimed to be pregnant (even though the timing of her pregnancy based on when he was there visiting her would have been impossible) after he “did the right thing” and married her, she just happened to miscarry. You can imagine how this ended. She’s back in her home country with all his dough probably scamming on the next sucker and he’s broke with no savings and starting over at 50.

          Now granted he wasn’t one of those I hate american women so I’m getting a child bride to be my maid and sex slave types. He truly loved her and I do feel sorry for him. But this story is not uncommon.

        6. Josh

          I’m sure their are lots of guys who lack social skills who can’t attract an American woman, and go for mail order brides.   It may make you feel better to believe that all of those comments are from those guys, but I think you are wrong and many of them are successful men who enjoy traveling and meeting foreign women.

          Women in every country in the world are thinner than American women, so a fit American guy, with or without social skills, can attract a more attractive woman than he is likely to in the USA.


    3. 14.3

      Good Grief. Are you really that unaware of the benefits of a real, adult relationship with a caring partner who values you? I sincerely hope you come to understand before you’re in your 70s and are at the end of your life all alone. I mean, I suppose its possible to live life without any awareness of the value of more than half the human population but it seems like it would be very unfulfilling. No matter. It’s your journey and your lesson to learn (or not). Nothing I can ever say will dent your porn addled misconceptions of women. Only life experience and wisdom can do that.

      1. 14.3.1

        There’s a saying in the bible about how a good woman is worth far more than rubies, something like that. Good woman includes empathy towards her man, empathy is rare in women. You should try showing empathy for men and then you’ll start to get somewhere.

  15. 15

    Hmm her case is extreme, but I believe many women have this problem although to a lesser extent. Personally–& I doubt I’d ever say this in real life–it’s only a minority of men that I -instaantly- find physically attractive (as in thinking “Ooh that stranger looks good”).

    But like many women, I’ve had the experience many times of chatting to a guy by chance, and finding him much more attractive half an hour later. This doesn’t seem to happen for SG and I think that’s a big part of the problem.

    I happen to be lucky enough to be dating one of those guys that looked hot to me from the moment I saw him. And he’s a warm-hearted good guy too. But because guys with those looks are in the minority, they’re quite coveted as partners, and I think if SG had a hot boyfriend, her mind (which is already not the healthiest) would go into insecure overdrive. (I know because on tests on attachment styles, I score Very high on being secure, yet even I occasionally feel insecure about dating a hot guy). Basically Evan is right about her needing some time of counselling or other psychological help because with this mindset, it’s really hard for her to achieve happiness, whether she’s dating a hot guy (by her very stringent criteria) or not.

    On the bright side, at least SG has already benefitted lots from therapy in her life, and knows how useful it can be.

    1. 15.1

      Sorry but you would have had 0 interest in him if he wasn’t hot as you claim. him not being a piece of shit is just a side benefit. shallow women will be the end of society.

  16. 16

    This is me to an extent, including the eating disorder as a young person, minus the messed up family – I have great parents and strong relationships with them. I am told that I am quite attractive, I don’t have an issue getting dates. A lot of men are unappealing, including most celebrities. Facial hair is a huge turnoff. When I found a man that I found reasonably attractive (but other women would say he was very attractive) and he had a few other things in order, I married him at a very young age. Twentysome years later, I am divorced and now looking again. As a young person, I only dated the very best looking guys. Thankfully, they liked me back. I remember sitting with my girlfriends and looking at yearbooks and they would point at cute guys and I’d be confused – I couldn’t differentiate much, and then later, only the most handsome stood out.

    If I wasn’t repelled by them, I found that kissing them really helped. So I would start the intimacy sooner than I might want to. Once they were into me, that was a huge turn on. I had to focus on character traits (funny, smart, kind, hard working) I have ‘fallen in love’ since divorcing…at least in the chemical sense..gotten very attached to two men who were not off the charts attractive, but were definitely off the charts successful and interesting, and pretty cute by other women’s standards. They turned out to be emotionally unavailable types (one was probably a narcissist), but I wasn’t choosing for commitment early in the game. I nearly forced myself to like these two, and then became quite into them.

    As a side note, I do like my space, and my husband was initially mostly a long distance relationship. My family of origin was not super affectionate, but when I do like someone, I am highly sexual and affectionate.

    My daughters report the same problem, and one prefers women. I think women are more attractive, but I don’t think I could fall in love with one and I am not interested in them sexually.

    All this is weird, I know. I am on a guy-atus and adjusting my picker, and just enjoying being unattached and trying to grow as a person.

  17. 17

    Try spending a fortnight in Italy and see if you still feel the same.

    1. 17.1

      Interesting that you say that. I took a vacay to Europe a few years back with my size 0 or 2 fit friend, that I affectionately nicknamed a “blond bitch goddess” since she had American men falling at her feet at all times and was generally bitchy or uninterested in them, thus causing them to want her even more. She was quite irritated during this trip when the men in Paris, and most especially, Rome and other parts of Italy were falling all over themselves to meet me and didn’t give her the time of day. Finally, in Rome, after being ignored one too many times she pulled me aside and said she didn’t intend to insult me but why were all the men attracted to me and not to her at all. I explained that perhaps it had something to do with the artwork all over Europe reflecting my “rubanesque” figure rather than her teensy, aerobicized skeletal frame. That and the fact that I was smiling and open towards them instead of projecting miles of bitchy “don’t dare to think you have a chance” attitude. I was having the time of my life. She, not so much.

      1. 17.1.1
        Yeah right

        Wait…you mean American men are shallow and intimidated? No way!!! LOL!

      2. 17.1.2

        Her eating disorder was making her cranky. Hunger hurts. Interesting she can’t even conceive of a man preferring a happy woman with some flesh. Shock!

    2. 17.2

      So funny! When I spent two weeks in Italy a few years ago, I was deep into a dating drought in the US. There was just *nothing* happening!

      From the minute I set foot in Italy I had men falling all over me. I’m blonde and bubbly and I’d been “warned” about Italian men. But it wasn’t like that at all. They were charming and respectful and funny and smart. Did I mention charming? *Definitely.* I had so much fun and returned home with my dating mojo in high gear.

      I highly recommend Italy for getting your groove back! 😉

    3. 17.3

      Ha. Well, this just illustrates that attraction varies wildly from person to person. Some men come to this board to explain how superior foreign women are to locals. Many of us scoff at them for these views.

      I have no issue with some north American women finding Italian men attractive. But I’ve spent plenty of time in Italy and they were not my cup of tea in the least: Catholic mamas’-boys who spend more time in front of the mirror/ shoe shopping than I do. I don’t get my dating mojo groove back when I go to Italy; I return home thankful that I live somewhere that flirting is not considered an Olympic sport and men know they look can look great in a pair of levis and warm smile. I might have the Letter Writer’s problem if I lived in Italy…

  18. 18

    If I had a penny for every woman who has complained about this problem…although not to the extreme as the OP.

    I too rarely find men older than me attractive (I am 37 years old). And, I don’t find younger men mentally attractive. It doesn’t help that I do draw a lot of attention based on my looks so I have a strong idea of how attractive I am.

    You know what I did? I started to look for other qualities IF the attraction is at least a 6. I realize that we can’t always have it all and finally, I am okay with that. But, I still have to be able to have the ability to want to kiss you and I have to be able to at least fathom that you can touch me without me being grossed out. I realize that chemistry is overratted but we need a healthy amount of it. Shucks, my ex husband was the quintessential 6’4″ pretty boy and obviously it did not work out. However, I must admit, that if the physical attraction is not intense, he has to have a heck of a personality and has to score higher on other qualities.

    I am surprised though that at 28 years old, the OP isn’t finding more men attractive as she has a wide pool to choose from (both younger and older).

  19. 19

    if a man finds most (all?) women unattractive he is usually gay, or latently homosexual, why shouldn ´t the same apply to women who find men unacttractive. Maybe she should experiment more and find out what she is actually attracted to. life is short, don ´t waste it on what people expect you to be or do!

  20. 20

    I’ve seen this times o’ plenty. IME the reasons have been:

    1.) Burned out on dating
    2.) Denying material confirmation that one isn’t as attractive as they think they are or once were
    3.) Problems elsewhere in life (career, health, social)
    4.) Deep/clinical mental problems

    1. 20.1

      SAL9000, burned out period….😔

    2. 20.2

      I do not find most men attractive. I do however find some men attractive, and what will take someone from average to special is usually, wit, wisdom, kindness and an absence of problems such as substance abuse, misogynistic tendencies and a need to use a woman as a status symbol.

      Despite not being a lesbian I do think many more women are physically attractive. Personality wise about the same as men.

      The trouble with average, is that it is, well, exactly that. So unless you are also average the largest part of the bell curve is less likely to appeal. So what? There’s nothing wrong with being picky. Better that than married to a drunk who doesn’t respect you and who becomes less attractive each time he opens his mouth.

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