I Find Most Men Unattractive. What’s Wrong With Me?

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I find the vast, vast, vast majority of men unattractive. Mostly it’s that I don’t have any physical attraction to them, but once in a while (about twice a year if I’m on a lot of dating sites, or once every few years if I’m not), I’ll meet someone I actually think is good looking (a hint here is that I find most celebrities physically unattractive, apparently my sex drive is picky but I couldn’t tell you why – although I DO have a high sex drive…).

However, I’m also aware having been through a lot of therapy after numerous and significant mental health difficulties (eating disorders etc.) that I tend to date cold or unavailable men and then not ask for more and maintain that emotional distance – essentially, I seem to have been in a habit of avoiding intimacy by going out with people I don’t find attractive, or more often than I’d like to admit, men who I know are gay before I even ask them out…otherwise they’re narcissistic or give mixed messages, or aren’t close in some way etc.

Knowing that I have that pattern, I made a promise to myself to pick up on coldness whenever I find someone attractive and to walk away. And that is something I do – I look specifically for empathy. And guess what…on those very rare occasions when the idea of kissing/sleeping with someone is not downright unappealing, they’re cold and narcissistic, and so I walk away.

Now to be honest, I’m not too bothered about finding someone in the next couple of years, I’m still young at 28 and my career is my priority right now, so I’m not in too much of a hurry, but the reason why it’s been bothering me is that I’m actually starting to worry that my family messed me up so much I’ll never be able to love anyone. I’m therapied out and no longer diagnosable – I’ve made a massive recovery and feel extremely healthy – so I don’t think more therapy is going to suddenly make me find more men attractive.

I have tried being with people I don’t find attractive – and I usually remain friends with very nice men I have tried to date but didn’t find attractive, and I’m afraid they don’t start growing on me. They just become my friend.

Have you come across this and do you think the reason I find so many men physically unappealing is because of something psychological? Some of my friends think it’s do with the bar being raised…I’m quite attractive myself and I’ve had a lot of attention from the opposite of sex since I was about 13, including the “very good looking”, so perhaps it’s just knowing what I could have and that that’s influencing me?

SG

I feel for you, SG. I do. After all of your therapy, you are as self-aware as you can be, and yet it still seems to me that you have some significant blind spots about your problem.

Now, first of all, I want to make it crystal clear: you are not alone. Women, on the whole, are far more discerning than men when it comes to physical attraction. In the linked OkCupid study, women think that 80% of men are BELOW average in attractiveness, when, in a normal distribution, that number should be 50%. I’m not going to say whether these women are right, although THEY certainly feel they are. I will say that men, for all their flaws, are equal opportunity daters in a way that women are not. While they will still lust for the hottest woman around, they’ll ultimately marry someone in their league, which, empirically, is not always that attractive.

Men, for all their flaws, are equal opportunity daters in a way that women are not.

Your issue, however, is a little more extreme, and reminds me of a client I had a few years back. Very attractive woman — a 43-year-old personal trainer who hated online dating for the very reason you mentioned. No one was attractive enough for her. When we went through the website to take inventory, I asked her to put 40 guys on her favorites list. She couldn’t even do so. The only 6 guys she found attractive looked like 32-year-old GQ models whose preferred age range was 22-29. My client was pretty much out of luck because she found less than 1% of men attractive, including NO men her own age who wanted her in return.

Let’s just say that this wasn’t one of my success stories.

And this is where we bump up against one of my limitations of a coach. I’m not a psychologist who has been trained to delve into your past; my specialty is helping women in the present model confident behavior to elicit better results in the future. Your issue, in this instance, isn’t lack of confidence; it’s something that runs much deeper, something you only hinted at when you say that your family “messed you up.” Without knowing you, I have to concur.

Just read what you wrote to me:

“(I) avoid intimacy by going out with people I don’t find attractive.”

Sorry, but I want to challenge that assertion. You avoid intimacy by going out with people you DO find attractive — because the only people you find attractive are, in your words, “cold and narcissistic.”

That begins in your childhood, SG, usually with an absent, distant, or abusive father.

And so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The only men you’re drawn to are the worst ones; the other 99%, you eliminate because you’re not attracted to them.

There’s being discerning, and there’s being impossible, and you’ve unfortunately raised the bar so high that no man can jump it.

You seem to be somewhat aware of this when you state that you walk away from emotionally distant men — and yet you claim they’re the only people you sleep with, since the “vast, vast, vast” majority of men are unattractive to you.

And here you are, writing to me, wondering if you will ever be able to love anyone.

You have every right to worry.

I can’t “fix” you from here, but I can tell you that something is very wrong if you only find 2 people attractive “every few years.” There’s being discerning, and there’s being impossible, and you’ve unfortunately raised the bar so high that no man can jump it.

You are attracted to the wrong men for reasons beyond your control. You need to rewire yourself on what it means to be in a healthy relationship. And if it means you have to dial down your attraction from a 10 to a 7, in order to find an emotionally healthy guy, that’s a price well worth paying.

That may sound awful to you on two counts: 1) you refuse to compromise on chemistry, and 2) you don’t think that a 7 chemistry actually exists. For you, it’s all or nothing. I believe you.

But that’s not normal, it’s not healthy, and it will leave you no dating options whenever you do decide to take your love life seriously again.

Get thee to a really good therapist. You’re worth the investment.

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Comments:

  1. 101
    H

    Tyrone & other men whom applied,

    I feel the way these women feel and obvi its a common theme over this thread. Any girl chat, everywhere will have this same problem discussed. Men dont workout and lets add that they live with mom into their thirties. Id rather sooner recruit a FWB than commit to this -uckery.

    Men seem to want a goddess and, like someone mentioned earlier, most coupled men would make themselves available to involve a mistress if a woman shows interest in them. Im way above average, but not a ten. I could get a guy for a night, but the mystery to life is what timing, mood, what planet Mercury is in as to when they’ll commit. Ive read threads on married men and most admit theyd have a mistress if a woman was interested. Two goddesses are better than one after all! All integrity goes out the window for men so f’n fast! The ‘other woman’ may not know she’s a mistress until down the road!

     

  2. 102
    Susan

    At least some of the problem is the men, themselves.   Nobody wants to date a man with missing teeth or who is very overweight or out of shape or dresses poorly.   There are so many men like that, the ones who are health conscious and well-groomed stand out and become conceited because they have more options.   If men worked on improving their appearances, more woman would find more of them attractive. Women always get blamed for being too picky, but if you can’t attract a decent guy you shouldn’t settle for someone who makes you cringe.

  3. 103
    ezamuzed

    It is so strange to hear woman complain that men are overweight. Statistically woman have no place to complain: 40% of woman are obese in the united states compared to 35% of men. 10% of woman compared to 5% of men are morbidly obese. The average woman weights as much as the average man did in 1960.

    I think a big part of the problem is the current fat acceptance movement. Especially towards woman. Big is beautiful, All about that Bass lyrics, etc. Sure you are still a fine person if you are overweight but you are not attractive. Certainly nowhere near as attractive as if would be if you were in decent shape.

    1. 103.1
      GoWiththeFlow

      ezamuzed,

      Why is it strange to hear that women don’t find overweight or obese men unattractive?   Men say they don’t find overweight women attractive all the time.   Why would men think this doesn’t apply to them as well?

      1. 103.1.1
        Yet Another Guy

        @GWtF

        I believe that the visceral reactions has more do with scale than reality.   If women find most men to be unattractive and only 35% of men are obese, then lack of attraction is not purely based on weight.   Men bald and women sag.   Both sexes gray, but women color their hair.   Being gray makes a person look older, and being bald and gray makes things even worse.   One of the reasons why I pass for younger is that I have yet to bald or gray in any significant way, and I am closer to 60 than 50.   I can shave 7 to 10 years off of my age on a dating site and not get called for it.   A guy my age who is bald and gray cannot get away with it unless he shaves his head.   If older women do not believe that coloring their hair shaves ten years off of their appearance, then all the need to do is let it go gray.

        Speaking of gray, I now know why so many older women are doing the Brazilian wax thing (not just the women who are chasing younger men).   It hides the fact the carpet no longer matches the drapes because the carpet has started to gray or is gray.   The alternative is color it.   Personally, I could care less if a woman’s carpet is graying or gray. We are all getting older.   However, I do care about a woman’s weight and her lifestyle.   I live a healthy lifestyle and do my best to maintain a healthy weight because being overweight can cause all kinds of health problems.

        1. GoWiththeFlow

          YAG,
          There are racial/ethnic differences in the U.S. with respect to gender differences in obesity. In caucasians, more men are overweight than women. (You can check the statistics at the NIH website.) There can also be a certain level of selection going on. As people go through their twenties and thirties, more and more tend to pair off, leaving an increasingly smaller pool of singles. Since being normal body weight is considered an attractive quality in both men and women, slimmer people may be more likely to wind up in relationships and that can leave more overweight and obese people in the singles pool as time goes by. So I don’t think it’s a false perception that many women experience a lot of single men to be overweight or obese. This may be true for men as well.

          You brought up that you live a healthy lifestyle and so a woman’s weight and lifestyle is important to you. For women in their 40s and beyond, health in a potential partner is important. This is the age where men in our age group start having heart attacks and strokes. No woman wants a guy who looks like he might drop dead on her at any moment. This issue is compounded by the fact that we often get men several years our senior who are interested in us.

          I have two friends who married men a decade older than them when they were in their late 40s. Both were married only a few years when their husbands began to have major health issues. They now spend considerable time taking their husbands on doctor’s visits, or in for tests, procedures, and major surgeries. This while holding down full time jobs and dealing with elderly parents and college age kids. They love their husbands and are doing the best they can, but this was not what they expected their lives to be like in their early 50s. Their women friends, like myself, see this and it makes us pay even more attention to the health status of the men we date. Being overweight or obese is a sign that diabetes, hypertension, heart disease and vascular disease may be lurking under the surface.

  4. 104
    ezamuzed

    GoWithTheFlow,

    Its not strange that they don’t like overweight men. It is strange that they generalize and complain that they have trouble finding attractive men because too many are fat and out of shape.

    1. 104.1
      GoWiththeFlow

      LOL,

      And men on this blog do the same thing: “. . . generalize and complain that they have trouble finding attractive [women] because too many are fat and out of shape.” Women readers of this blog regularly get regaled with tales of woe from men who are unable to find any attractive women to date because they are all fat.

  5. 105
    janice

    Is it possible that the men who get on dating sites are the less attractive menor was this study done with more than the dating site men? Just curious about the details.

  6. 106
    SO

    Sounds like there are a few possibilities here, including the following:  1. The person is demisexual/demiromantic2. The person is grey-ace (i.e. on the asexual spectrum)3. The person is more attracted to women than men4. There are some underlying psychological issues  It could also be some combination of the above factors. I tried meeting men on dating sites for years and never got into any relationships, then fell in love with a female friend. Pretty sure I’m bisexual but realised I’m much more romantically interested in women.    A lot of women don’t realise till later in life because of compulsory heterosexuality. Asexual people often have similar challenges, i.e. they don’t realise until later in life because of cultural conditioning and lack of awareness about different sexual orientations.  I would also highly recommend the book ‘Deeper Dating’ by Ken Page as he discusses in depth how to cultivate healthy attractions. Definitely worth checking out.  

  7. 107
    LW

    Sounds like this woman may be demisexual and/or demiromantic. This can make dating much more difficult but it’s not impossible, if you build up an emotional bond with someone before dating and get to know people in a low-pressure environment.  

  8. 108
    Anotherperspective

    LMFAO!! All your answers are mental. Lesbian? Like   really she said she did find some attractive but the cluster B types. I am the same way. I’m not into women I love being with a man but I can only feel attracted to very few. Though I am younger. I am also found very attractive by men from young to old. Nothing has changed for me since teens, 20’s. I am still fit and I look like I am 22. A group of teenage boys told me I was cute in passing. I’ve dated some younger guys, beautiful bodies, one one rich as well but mentally not ripe for me. Even though they weren’t that much younger. So my window is hard to find around my age in terms of attractiveness, a lot of what is single is not desirable. Where I am desired constantly but they’re just not what I’m looking for. They don’t know how to impress a woman, having nothing interesting to say. I even give chances and date men where I feel I compromise on looks but their personality doesn’t make up where they are lacking in looks. So the attraction is not there. I’ve turned down so many men and when you have so many options, sometimes it’s overwhelming. I want what I want and that doesn’t make me a lesbian. I can’t believe the crap you people come up with just because you don’t understand another perspective. Even the dating coach is a bit off the mark. Some of us just need a mental connection as well first before we can find attraction and that doesn’t always happen so easily. Not when you’re incredibly intelligent, gorgeous and don’t really need much more in your life other than companionship, a travel buddy, sex and intimacy. Most relationships are such bullshit, half the people I know are not happy and pretend like they’re fine as long as they’re not single. When most people are more lonely in their relationships than I am on my own. So I think this coach gets paid to enforce this type of thinking. That something must be wrong with this person. When we’re not all made to match with all people. Biology counts, we can’t always choose who we desire, I have tried but it doesn’t work like that. I would be miserable trying to force it. I’ve had women try and make out with me at parties and I wasn’t into it. Even those I found good looking, I have always loved men but very rarely do I come across ones that I would like to date. When I do we always have this explosive attraction towards one another but the timing was off for the last one. Otherwise I still might be with him now. People have no hard time trying to understand how hard it is to make real friends. So why can’t you just accept that when you’re a beautiful looking person it’s just as hard to find a mate you can see yourself with. Options might be overwhelming but not a lot of men keep themselves in great shape at the same age. When you’re a genetic lottery winner and still manage to have maintained that when you’re older, it’s harder to find people who look their age attractive, unless their mind is right in a way where that makes them more sexy. They dress nice or just have something beyond looks. I’ve been with a gorgeous man who was an asshole and I lost interest in him because his heart was lacking. So maybe some of us just want the same things we offer and if we have a lot going on ourselves, it can be hard for someone else to match that.

  9. 109
    Jordskott

    Look up Yohio and you will regret every word you just said…😂😂😂 Oh and um, also look up Andy Beirsack. I’m not attracted to a lot of men, but those guys😜😜😜😜😜

  10. 110
    Joy

    The issue is,  you are unattracted to men who are attracted to you, and you ARE attracted to the type of man who will most carry certain traits and   qualities (put you on a waiting list/narcissistic/egotistical, heavily pursued)… but you tell yourself you can never be with the man you’re attracted to because you know his personality type will never treat you right. So you tend to shy away from that type.  So you are actually are attracted to guys, but it’s just the ones you never see it working out with… and you’re mind tricks you into thinking, because of this, these attractive guys are now “unattractive”..which is why your brain tell you that all guys are unattractive

  11. 111
    Susan

    I think something nobody has really mentioned is availability of men.   The ones who are always single are usually the ugliest/poorest men. Good looking/successful men get snapped up quickly.   So a woman could be surrounded by single men, but she doesn’t want any of them because they are the bottom feeders.   No other woman would want them, either, hence they are always single and available.   

    1. 111.1
      Fromkin

      Wow. It sounds like you really need to get yourself to the planet of the rich and pretty people. Keep in mind however that calling people “bottom feeders”, by virtue of their being single, is itself unattractive.

      1. 111.1.1
        Susan

        I didn’t say all single men are ugly or poor or bottom feeders.   What I said is that a lot of the proverbially single men are.   There is a difference.   The kind of men who have a criminal record, multiple children they don’t pay support for, poor hygiene, do drugs, are alcoholics, never have a job, live off social assistance chronically or are seeking a woman they can financially live off.   These are a lot of the “leftover” men who are always single and uneatable.   No, men like that don’t deserve sex or love, unless they get their act together.   You’re way too liberal if you think everyone deserves sexual love.   If a man can’t support himself and isn’t trying or has habits that negatively effect the woman or is dirty and unkempt then he needs to improve himself.   A lot of women are single because these are the kind of men who are single and no woman in her right mind would accept that.   It’s not about being rich.   Earning less than a full time minimum wage salary unless you are a student, not bathing and using drugs or drinking to the point of drunkenness daily are unacceptable and no woman should have to settle for that.   Also the kinds of men who actively seek woman to house them and don’t love her and are using her for money deserve to be homeless.   I live in a poor city and there are a ton of men like this where I live.   If it makes me sound judgemental so be it.   Anyone can work or comb their hair or shower and wear clean clothes.   If you can’t, then fixing those problems should be a priority before attempting to date.   I mean how would you feel if someone who looks like a homeless wino hit on you?

      2. 111.1.2
        Emily, the original

        Fromkin

          Keep in mind however that calling people “bottom feeders”, by virtue of their being single, is itself unattractive.

        I agree. Her post was really harsh. And also, why are only single men bottom feeders? If she is single, isn’t she a bottom feeder, too?

        1. Susan

          Yes I agree I’m being harsh, and offer no   apologies.   I own my own condo, am educated and employed and get hit on by men who do drugs and collect welfare.   I sure will be harsh to those kind of men.   Nobody should date them.   I never said all men who are single are bottom feeders.   What I said is that a lot of the men who are chronically or “always single” are the bottom feeder type.   The good guys who are available tend to get taken pretty quickly.   There are more educated and desirable single women than men who are equally desirable and single.   I know a lot of wonderful single women who own their own home etc. who also only get hit on by unemployed men or men who have too many problems.   If you look at statistics, more women are attending college these days than men and a lot of men are simply not keeping up.   Nobody should have to date down that far.   A lot of these men look for women who have money who are single because they are seeking a free place to live and someone to sponge off.   I’m talking about the kind of men who don’t have their own place to live or want to be in a relationship to escape poverty.   How is that not a bottom feeder? I never said being single makes anyone a bottom feeder, but a lot of the best quality men are already taken and the quality of available men isn’t always very good.

        2. Buck25

          “The kind of men who have a criminal record, multiple children they don’t pay support for, poor hygiene, do drugs, are alcoholics, never have a job, live off social assistance chronically or are seeking a woman they can financially live off of…”

          Susan,

          Since you brought up the subject of “bottom feeders” I just wanted to say that the type of persona in question is not exclusively male. Such men most certainly have female counterparts who are at least   equally pervasive, and in certain characteristics, even more abundant, Allow me to illustrate in some detail.

          I have personally seen online more than one woman who proudly identified in her profile as “a convicted felon”. I have encountered quite a few more who (as revealed by a basic criminal background check) had records of convictions for the following criminal offenses: DUI (repeat offenses), shoplifting, grand larceny, embezzlement, unlawful possession of prescription drugs, and (drumroll please), Criminal Domestic Violence(multiple offenses). I could list more, but I hope you can see my point. All of these, by the way, appeared, at least by manner of dress, to be ordinary, white, middle class women.

          Since you mention nonpayment of child support for ”
          multiple children” let me point out that in quite a few cases, the mothers of said children either cannot or will not name the father(s) of said children. I’ve run across those too. When I inquired of one why that was, the answer was”Cause I get a bigger AFDC check if I say I don’t know”. Charming.

          If I had a dollar for every (supposedly respectable, some even from the Country Club set) divorced middle aged woman I’ve met who pops   Xanax like candy, then tops it off with a bottle of wine or two a night, followed by a couple of prescription sleeping pills, I could have paid for a considerable number of dates with the proceeds. I have just a slight feeling a woman with habits like that might not make much of a girlfriend, wouldn’t you agree?

          That last, by the by, does not include quite a few middle class to wealthy divorcee’s I have met out there, who if not clinically alcoholic, at the least have a major drinking problem (how else to describe someone who needs her first Martini right after breakfast?)

          While we are at it, while I’m aware that some men would rather leach off a woman financially than work, I have to point out that as   a bachelor of some modest means, I seem to draw quite a crowd of women who have a similar inclination to do the same to any man who will have them. The term for them is gold digger. (I suppose, if they were younger, and actually brought something to the table other than laziness, we might call them”sugar babies”, except with these specimens, I don’t see any sugar). I’m sure you understand why I might find those less than desirable companions, no?

          And Susan my dear, about the hygiene thing …while I am quite aware that certain guys could use a shower more often, need to wash their hair, brush their teeth, shave at least once in a while, and maybe even launder their clothes, I have to tell you there’s a female counterpart to that too, and they don’t all live in poverty either.   I hate to bring this up, but, upon numerous occasions, I have found myself in sufficient proximity (as in under 10 feet) to a woman, hair stylishly coifed, tastefully made up, and dressed to the nines-a lovely sight, or at least she was, until my nose was assaulted by the scent I call “Eau de Skank”. What is that, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you what it is; it’s the smell that occurs when even expensive perfume can’t quite mask the aroma of a dead fish laid too long in the noonday sun. I’m sure you ladies must notice that too; you can’t all be nose blind to it, can you? I hate to complain, but is it asking too much for the rest of “the sisterhood” to gently let these women know what certain female hygiene cleansing products are for?

          In short, Susan, I just wanted to let you know that as bad as men can be, our gender does not have the sole franchise for criminality, general laziness, abusing the welfare system, alcoholism, drug abuse or deficiencies in personal hygiene. It’s not just men who are permanently questionable prospective relationship partners

          Incidentally, I note in a further post of yours that you seem to think it a terrible imposition on your college-degreed self to have to date a man who hasn’t a similar degree himself. Well, Susan, I have to tell you that I have a college degree, I know a lot of men and women who also have one or more, and because of said knowledge and experience, I also know that the only thing that degree proves is that the person holding it sat in a classroom long enough to get one. Whether he or she actually managed to learn anything in the process of of earning that sheepskin, is another matter entirely. I have known Phd’s who hadn’t the sense to get out of a rain shower, and more than a couple of self-made millionaires who never set foot in a college classroom. The fact that you and I got an educational opportunity some people still never get a shot at, is no reason to look down on them, or fancy ourselves somehow superior. That goes for both genders.

          Oh, one other thing; just because a woman has a degree, or several degrees, and owns her own home, she is not necessarily a desirable girlfriend, much less a suitable long-term relationship candidate for any man she might consider “equally desirable”. For instance, a man might find it nice that a woman has a degree, but assuming he makes more than enough to support him and his partner, he may fairly ask if her degree is going to keep him warm at night, whether his house is more comfortable than hers, and whether there’s anything else about her that indicates she will make the relationship a soft place to land when he’s tired from paying the price of success(a/k/a hard work), among other things. Perhaps it never occurred to you “desirable, eligible single men”,   get snapped up right away, because it’s easier for them to find and win a woman who meets THEIR standards; men have preferences too, you know, and just because you are desired by men you don’t want does not necessarily mean you are equally desired by those you do want.

      3. 111.1.3
        samantha

        I do not think she stated or even implied that these men are bottom feeders merely by virtue of being single.   She stated quite a few perpetually single men fall into this category.   Many of these men live a peripheral existence and are not dateable.

        1. Susan

          That’s exactly what I was saying.   I never stated there aren’t good single men, but if they’re really good they often get snatched up quickly and what is left are these men who lead a peripheral existence and nobody wants them because they would make the woman’s life a nightmare.   Nobody wants to date someone who will ruin their life or drive them to bankruptcy or cheat or abuse them or is only using them.

        2. Buck25

          Just as I merely pointed out that there is a significant minority of women who also inhabit the periphery of the dating scene and are likewise, to all intents and purposes, just as undatable to any male of normal sensibilities as their male counterparts are to any woman of normal sensibilities.

          There will always be, on the margins of the dating universe, assorted losers of both genders. These exist in any society. They are not representative of the more viable dating partners any of us might find among the opposite gender; it’s just that the fewer people we get to date who we actually desire, the higher the apparent proportion of these losers. In actuality, this pathetic segment of the terminally undateable is no larger nor smaller than it was yesterday, or last month. It’s only our perceptions, often born of frustration, that makes us see it as if that were so.

  12. 112
    Susan

    Buck25   Nowhere did I state there aren’t female counterparts to the men I was describing, but any time anyone complains about men in any way, everyone jumps down their throat about equality and how you can find examples of the same behaviour in women.   Sure, for that matter you can find it in the gay community also, but this article was giving heterosexual women advise on men.   Discussing women who aren’t good dating options doesn’t help women to find the kind of man they would like to, unless it’s things not to do to put men off.   Sure there are lots of women who aren’t good options, but it doesn’t change the fact there are plenty of men who aren’t, as well.   I’m not responsible for female gold diggers just because I’m a woman, and nowhere did I imply all men are responsible for the ones I was speaking of.   Just because some women do the same things, isn’t an excuse for men to do it also.

    1. 112.1
      Emily, the original

      Susan,
      I think you’ve gotten responses to your original post because of your tone.

      “The ones who are always single are usually the ugliest/poorest men.”
      “So a woman could be surrounded by single men, but she doesn’t want any of them because they are the bottom feeders. ”

      This is just nasty and dismissive. Sure, there are men you don’t want to date and you shouldn’t (and NO ONE is asking you to), but you’re basically calling them sub-humans, as if they live in caves outside of normal society because, heaven help us if we have to actually see them in public. It’s mean and uncharitable. It’s the equivalent of a man being approached by a woman at a bar he doesn’t find appealing and not having the decency to at least be as civil as you would to any person on this planet.

    2. 112.2
      Buck25

      My point, my dear Susan, is that if a woman should wish to attract one of the quality men still available out there(and there really are some, I promise!), then she would first of all do well to avoid the problem behaviors I mentioned above.

      You know, most (not all, but most) of the male behavior you complained of earlier, is found among those who, whether by their own choices, accident of birth, or simple misfortune, tend to permanently exist at the lowest margin of society, not as part of the social mainstream. By contrast, some of the habits/behaviors   I mentioned seem to be depressingly common among women in the social mainstream, women who one presumes would have more than sufficient education, common sense, etc. than to engage in them. I feel no joy in saying any of this; it saddens me actually, to think of women I’ve met who might have been good dating prospects for some man, were it not for some of their lifestyle choices. And that’s what many of these are, Susan, choices. I understand a lot of these women are damaged, some of them very badly, and trying to deal with emotional pain, financial stress, etc., but popping pills, drinking alone, and yes, even trying to find a man just to use to get their former lifestyle back, are not the best ways of coping. These are self-sabotaging as far as finding a relationship, and self-destructive to their emotional and physical health. To make matters worse, a lot of this behavior is mostly hidden (women don’t usually drink in a bar all night, or socialize with their friends by popping pills together; instead, they mostly do it alone). Sometimes even their friends, much less recent acquaintances, don’t see it. You probably wouldn’t even think of doing any of these things…but I’ll bet you have a friend or two who does. So, especially if you’ve heard a friend say “But it’s just wine!” as she drinks alone to the tune of two or three bottles a night; or   “I have a prescription, and besides, I need them for my nerves….ok, so I have several prescriptions, I’m not addicted, or anything!”, as she pops another couple of   tranquilizers….if you recognize those words, then please, reach out to her, and encourage her to get help. You have a better chance of getting through to her than any man could. And while a lot of what I’ve said to you, especially in that first post, has been somewhat tongue in cheek, this isn’t; because that behavior can not only wreck her chance at a relationship, or damage her health; it can literally take her life…or someone else’s…and there are no “do overs” or second chances if that happens.

  13. 113
    JamesBond

    I say its hormones. Or lack thereof.

    Maybe its chemicals in the food or something.

  14. 114
    Linda

    It gets worst when you get older.
    Men become bald and loose their muscle tone.
    Try to open your eyes to a handsome man your age, because every
    year you wait there will be less inventory for you to choose from.
    There are still plenty of hot guys your age. Trust me once a man hits 50 yrs old
    pickings are slim, and if there are any good looking men left at that age they all
    want to date younger women.

  15. 115
    D

    I’m sorry, but I believe when you find the right person, you just know it. There’s nothing wrong with being picky. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, not what others think. There is no point in settling either because in turn, it just makes you feel ugly on the inside, and does a disservice to both yourself and your partner. True love is very hard to find, so the ones that do are very lucky. The rest of us either settle for good enough or stay alone forever. I don’t know, but at this point I would rather be alone than settle.

  16. 116
    Nick

    A lot of these women are feminists who think that men just aren’t good enough for them. They forget that women age like milk, men age like wine. Early on women don’t have to put any effort in. They can walk out of the house and find companionship and opportunity without lifting a finger. Problem with that is that they age too, and that one day their looks will fade and they wont be able to get things at the snap of a finger. They will need children and family to take care of them as they get older. However they already told all their potential suitors to take a hike. They become spinsters

    1. 116.1
      Susan

      Not all men age like wine.   A man who was ugly when he was young will be an ugly old man. Same with women.   Diet and lifestyle choices can help you to age better, but good looking people will be better looking even as seniors, than other people in the same age group.

      1. 116.1.1
        Sam

        Yeah, I think men tend to have a very warped view of aging. Yes, women age. But so do most men. I see very very few that look like George Clooney in their 50s. Most are overweight, bald/ing, grey, saggy, bad teeth, and don’t have huge wallets to buy girlfriends. If you are one of the rare Clooneys of the world, then great. You still have a wide dating pool to pick and choose from. Get out there and enjoy your life. But the majority of men I meet above 40-45 are in just as bad shape as the women. Certainly in the west.

        It’s not a competition and it’s sad that anyone has to lose their looks with age. Although modern diet and lifestyle (bad diet, desk jobs, alcohol, smoking, sleeping around) has definitely taken a lot of people out of the dating game that would have otherwise been great partners.

  17. 117
    Sammy

    I’ve given up dating at this point. I had lots of dates and two long relationships with men in my 20s that I never found attractive (following my mother’s advice of ‘find a decent man and he’ll grow on you’). They both ended badly, as there was no physical chemistry whatsoever.

    Every man that hits on me now already is already taken. I specifically like older men and not the stereotypical macho types everyone else seems to fawn over. I love skinny nerds, musicians, or artist types (pale, nice hair, sensitive personalities – the sort of guys this website seems to hate) as I’m a skinny nerdy type myself. Perhaps that makes me egotistical? I don’t know. But I tend to find guys who have similar physical traits, personality, values, to me the most attractive.

    I’ve met a few that have liked me in return but they are ALWAYS taken. I don’t find out straight away, but these days I just expect it. I meet someone, we get on really well, tons of flirting, both attracted physically… a few hours later, BOOM: ‘yeah, the other day I was saying to my girlfriend/wife…’ Same goes for men I approach. Always taken. And yes, I check for rings or signs of kids. I don’t chase men I know aren’t available.

    I don’t know what the answer is. I can’t have a relationship with someone I feel no attraction to. It’s the same as a man being told to sleep with a woman he finds unattractive. Once or twice maybe you can keep your eyes shut and do it under duress. But not on a long term basis.

  18. 118
    BD

    Most men are ugly. There’s not been a selection pressure for men to have facial attractiveness. The things that predicted reproductive success for thousands of years are aggression, control, strength. The ability to kill weaker men. Men have for thousands of years selected the woman, the woman did not select the man.

    So yeah, there’s not going to be as many attractive men because the only ones that are are extreme outliers. MOST men are NOT physically attractive, especially in the face.

    Tinder has now allowed the woman to be the selector based solely on physical attractiveness. If so desired, and all of the women start mating with only the top 1% of men in attractiveness, after 100 generations, men’s looks might catch up. And then women would be walking around seeing a bunch of gorgeous men everywhere, like men do right now for women.

  19. 119
    Kris

    I know this is an ancient post, but I’m sooo glad I’m not alone.Ladies, never settle!.The quality of western men is so dire, and it’s only getting worse.I rarely see a single male that I’m attracted to.Maybe once or twice a year, tops.Men can moan all they want that we should settle for mediocre when they would never take the same advice,  no matter how short, fat and nasty they are and they know it.Ridiculous, misogynistic double standards, as usual.

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