How Hard Is It To Date When You’re An Unemployed Bachelor?

We’re all facing some tough financial times these days, but it can be especially tough for single men who have lost their jobs. According to msnbc, not only are men losing jobs at a faster rate than women, they also believes it seriously impedes their dating life.

“Men have been hit much harder than women by this recession. Close to 80 percent of the job losses since December 2007 were jobs held by men, according to economics expert Mark J. Perry, who analyzed Bureau of Labor Statistics data. April unemployment was a seasonally adjusted 10 percent for men and 7.6 percent for women.”

“For some guys, unemployment is the last thing they want to reveal to a potential date. Even if men aren’t expected to pay for a date, they feel pressure from women who are looking for someone who is financially stable.”

So what do you think? For the women, would you date a guy who has lost his job during the recession? And men, would you wait to tell your date that your unemployed, or would you tell them up front?

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Honey

    Being temporarily without a job in this economy isn’t necessarily a reflection on the person. When it IS a reflection on the person, it’s obvious in other ways that it’s someone you wouldn’t want to be involved with.

    What I wouldn’t date is someone with roommates. Seriously, after age 25 that’s just lame.

    Honey´s last blog post…Away We Go

  2. 2
    Cilla

    @ Honey

    LOL–I feel the same way about roommates, especially female ones for male daters. In addition to being lame, I always think if you hang around the barber shop long enough, you’re gonna get a haircut.

    I’m likely to lose my job this year due to a hostile takeover of the company where I work. I’m not on any sites currently, but when I was, I put it in my profile under the career section. I also added that it was a good time to make a career change and had a plan in place to weather the transition. This disclosure didn’t seem to bother men in the least, judging from the number of emails I continued to receive. To be frank though, I think if you’re unattractive AND unemployed, it might hurt your chances more.

    I would hesitate to date someone who remained unemployed for a long time. Do something, even if it’s not what you were trained to do or as prestigious as your last job. Men who go years without employment remind me of unmarried men who go years without a single real relationship: picky, picky, picky.

  3. 3
    Ava

    My experience is that many men don’t want to date when they’re unemployed. Having the means to take a woman out is important to most men. Their pride is affected if they can’t do that.

    1. 3.1
      HP

      Ava, it’s not just pride that plays into why men generally prefer not to (or are embarrassed to) date when unemployed. It’s a double standard that has been imposed on men by society in general. Society and media fervently talk about how double standards are sexist and how women are mostly at the receiving end. Well, welcome to the other end of the sexist double standard spectrum. Men are expected to be financially stable by a certain point in their lives or else there’s something wrong with them. If they’re not financially settled or unemployed, society deems them to be second class or, worse, unsuitable for dating.
      Pride is a product of expectations from oneself, society, family, religion, and a multitude of other things. Just as women are expected to be or not be a certain way.

      1. 3.1.1
        NDK

        Well said HP.

         

  4. 4
    Blue

    Sharing living expenses with a roommate is one of the easiest ways to save money each month when you are single, regardless of age. I’d be cautious of dating someone who had a problem with that, and I’d suspect that person would not be as responsible with their money as they could be. If they can’t see and respect the practicality in saving hundreds of dollars per month with a roommate, they are probably the kind of person who is living beyond their means and getting into trouble financially. No thanks!

  5. 5
    Racer x

    I first would like to say that i do take offense to the women who are saying that a man having a roommate is wrong or lame!! I am 45, gainfully employed and divorced for 3 years. What they don’t relaize is that most of the time in a divorce the man gets stuck with all the bills, and NO it’s not for the fact that he cheated. He is usually the main bread winner so the bulk of the load goes to him.

    As in my case i have a roommate because i can live cheap, pay off my bills and then be relatively debt free when it comes time to buy my own place. In the meantime i’d rather use the money i do have DOING things instead of BUYING things!!!! It’s very narrow minded to lump everyone into a single catatgory. For anyone that has been reading Evan’s blogs, isn’t that what he preaches????

  6. 6
    Karl R

    I’ve dated before while unemployed, so it’s clearly not impossible. (I’ve also dated a couple women who were unemployed.) The better financial shape you’re in, the easier it is. I was still able to pay for dates on a regular basis, so that wasn’t a cause for discomfort.

    But unemployment is a major confidence killer. And if you don’t feel as confident, it’s harder to act as confident. That is probably the toughest aspect about dating.

    Unemployment also adds stress to a relationship. It’s easy to suggest that the other person could be “doing more” in their job search. It’s probably also true. But that’s almost guaranteed to make the unemployed person upset and defensive.

  7. 7
    Lance

    Being unemployed is a disadvantage for sure, but you can work around it. I dated successfully three summers ago while only working as a freelancer, which, at the time, was virtually being unemployed. It’s far more difficult to build a relationship when you’re laid off.

    Honey, that’s bullshit on the roommates line. I agree with several of the other commenters above, having roommates is an effective and fiscally responsible strategy. In fact, I think it’s IRRESPONSIBLE to not have roommate(s) when you’re single at any age. Consider the cost savings, the shared use of resources and energy, carpooling opportunities, and the lowered impact on the environment.
    BTW, you and your the BF are roommates right now.

    Also wanted to concur with Racer X in his comment. I have a friend, age 50, who just got a divorce, and he had no choice but to move in with a roommate because of the financial hit. This is a guy who works for Motorola and makes 100K+ per year. He’s also successfully dating off Match and the women don’t give a shit that he’s got a roommate.

    Lance´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?

  8. 8
    Honey

    @ Cilla – I agree about LONG term unemployment as well. I’d rather date someone who took a part-time job to weather the storm than someone who said that they just couldn’t find anything, because it’s not really believable.

    @ Blue and RacerX, that’s an interesting response, because when I see someone with roommates, one of the assumptions I make is that it’s because they’ve made terrible financial decisions and can’t afford to live on their own. So I avoid them out of self-protection.

    I mean, it doesn’t really cost any more to live on your own – it just means you can’t live in a huge place. When I moved out of a roommate situation (when I was around 25, actually) my rent only went up $50/mo. – totally worth the privacy and self-growth that occurred with only myself for company.

    I lived alone until I moved in with the BF and thought I’d save a bunch of money – nope! Rent only went down about $50 and all utilities increased. So I don’t buy that it NECESSARILY saves money, though it CAN. Really how it reads to me is that:

    1. the guy isn’t independent enough or doesn’t like himself enough to be alone with his own company (not a good start to a relationship),

    2. the guy is too snobby and materialistic to be willing to make sacrifices for the long-term good (my place when I lived alone was super tiny and didn’t have central heat or air),

    3. the guy has made extremely poor financial decisions that lead to him being unable to finance his own existence, which is something I want to avoid at all costs.

    Plus I just think that if you’re going to date, being able to be alone with that person is extremely important (it’s the only way you get to know who they really are), and I can only assume that if a guy deliberately hasn’t created a space where that can happen, then he’s not really in a place where he should be dating.

    Other people might have different opinions, but I think my own interpretations are pretty valid, based on my experience at least.

    Honey´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?

  9. 9
    Honey

    Lance – haha, we posted at the same time. In any case, as I point out, when I started living alone I only spent like $50 more per month and when I moved in with the BF my monthly bills went up. So it’s just not true about roommates.

    Also when I lived alone I either walked or biked everywhere, so I had way less environmental impact than now (though it’s more a function of where I live than whether or not I had roommates).

    I’m happy that others have been able to date with roommates. I just wouldn’t do it because of the conclusions I’ve drawn about such folks from my own dating experience. And before you say that we both had roommates when we dated, I was 23 then! So it fits with the student lifestyle I was living at the time.

    Honey´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?

  10. 10
    Steve

    Remember the character George Costanza from the TV series Seinfeld? There was an episode where Costanza, a serious loser, decides to do the opposite of whatever his instincts tell him to do. I think this quote I am going to paraphrase comes from that episode. I think it sums up how most men feel about trying to date while unemployed:


    I’m fat, bald, unemployed and I live with my parents

  11. 11
    Steve

    @Honey, post #10

    I had housemates until my early thirties so I could completely pay off my debts. My rent related expenses went up a lot more than $50 or the inflation adjusted equivalent when I got my own place.

  12. 12
    Honey

    @ Steve, I’m guessing you didn’t get rid of a bunch of your stuff and move into a studio, then, which is basically what I did. 🙂

    I just think that roommates give people an unrealistic standard of living because they’re letting other people subsidize their life instead of being responsible for themselves. PLUS I’ve had so many deadbeat roommates that couldn’t cover their own share of things that I would never put myself in a situation where I was responsible for someone’s expenses and we weren’t in a serious romantic relationship leading to marriage. Before the BF, I never lived with a significant other, either.

    The BF and I moved in together after 2 years of dating, which I think is about as fast as it’s okay to move – and after less than a year I made him move to a smaller place. Now we are finally saving money, but it’s because I made us move to a place that is half the size of our previous place and we either sold or gave away more than a room’s worth of furniture and belongings.

    I could never marry or get serious about someone who hadn’t lived completely alone for at least a year, because I just don’t think that you’re ready to commit to someone else unless you know yourself that well. That’s exactly how the BF felt – the first two years that we dated were the only two that he ever lived alone, and he says that he doesn’t think that he’d have been ready to think about marriage without it. I agree.

    If I ever became single again, I would get rid of as much stuff as necessary and live in a 500 sq foot studio walking distance from work before I would have a roommate.

    Honey´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?

  13. 13
    Mr_Right

    You have to admit though, having roommates is better than living at home with your parents. 🙂

  14. 14
    Cilla

    I don’t disagree that having roommates can save you money. But I’d still rather date a guy who lives alone in a tiny place than one who shares a bigger place with one or more people. I realize sometimes you’re stuck with a big place until you can sell it or run out the lease, but I’m just not going to date you.

    As Honey said, dating as an adult means spending time alone together. When I’ve dated people with roommates, they either wanted to spend ALL their time at my house, because their roommates were omnipresent (a strain on the relationship and my refrigerator) or they wanted to spend time at home and were oblivious to the ubiquitous presence of their roommates (or worse yet, wanted to include their roommates in too many activities).

    I got sick of having to sit three on the sofa in front of the TV (very romantic), never being able to cook a meal or order food without someone wanting in on it, never having a place to park my car in the driveway, always having to be fully dressed anywhere in the house, always having to be quiet or discreet about having sex… Yuck, it was like a combination of living at home with my parents and living in a fraternity house. I’m just too old to compromise in that direction any more.

  15. 15
    Honey

    @ Cilla – yes. Yes. Yes. Does having roommates make you a bad person? No. Can it save you money/reduce your carbon footprint? Possibly, though it is hardly a guarantee (and while I know tons of folks who say they have roommates to save money, I don’t know of a single one who actually calculated the approximate difference between single life and roommate life and funneled the difference directly into savings via direct deposit, which if you’re doing it to “save money” seems like the way to be responsible about it).

    I would go for a guy in a studio apartment over a guy in a nice 3 br. house with roommates any day.

    Honey´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?

  16. 16
    Mikko Kemppe

    Yes, losing a job can be a confidence killer, especially to men. Our self-esteem is tied primarily to the work that we do and feeling competent about our achievements.

    To answer Evan’s question, I would not have trouble telling someone that I don’t currently have a job as long as I would be feeling confident about my plans to find work or to make money.

    But if I did not feel confident about being able to provide and to make money, I probably would take a break from dating until I did.

    Mikko Kemppe´s last blog post…Do Men Just Want Sex? Should My Decision Be To Wait Or Not To Wait?

  17. 17
    Honey

    Haha, Mr_Right! No parents after age 18. Ever. That’s my other rule 🙂

    Honey´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?

  18. 18
    Eathan

    It is challenging to date while unemployed. Especially in Dallas, the capital of Gold Diggers. It takes a being creative, which Lance pointed out. Our night life paper promotes happy hour special, dinner specials and activities.

    @honey Having roommates isn’t a bad thing or housemates in my case. There’s no way you can logically say that it only costs $50 more per month to live with a roomie. Honey you have a bf which is way different from having a roommate. In my case, my housemate is only home 4 nights a month and still pays his share. It’s cheaper for him to rent from me than to get his own place. And it saves me alot on my expenses. There are alot of factors when considering the roommate concept.

    1. 18.1
      Mike

      I think it is more than challenging to date when you live in a large city and you are competing against a lot of successful professionals, surrounded by the trappings of wealth.  I’ve been unemployed for almost two months after 18 solid years of professional work experience in Atlanta, specifically in Buckhead, very similar to Manhattan, Georgetown, Beverly Hills, South Beach, Las Calinas, etc.  I’ve shutdown all my social activities until I’m back in the game, just because surviving and maximizing finances is more important than going out socially or dating.  There’s no way I can compete with a (insert high paying job) that has a killer pad and Ferrari/Aston-Martin/AMG/McLaren/Porsche in the garage
      I think if you live in any of the top 10 cities and you’re an unemployed guy, you’re screwed because the every woman is well off and is looking for a guy who can only increase her financial stability.  Just a fact.  
      If you live in a small town somewhere out in the country where the job market and socio-economic factors don’t care the same weight, well, then its a different market.  You’re not going to find a lot of professional women with graduate degrees in senior management or director-level jobs in every bar you go into.  Of course there are going to be exceptions to the rule (and naive naysayers), but by and large, that’s what you’re dealing with if you’re in a city with any money.

    2. 18.2
      nene w

      So, my cousin from Dallas who married a doctor is a gold digger? Women expect you to be able to provide for yourselves, because they are wisely looking to a future where children could be involved. if you can’t provide for yourself, how will you provide for a family? That is not ‘gold digging’. It is called being financially intelligent. A woman can stay poor as a single mother by herself. And btw: My cousin paid for him while he went through medical school.

      1. 18.2.1
        hunter

        ..maybe, your cousin is a gold digger, so?….nothing wrong with digging for gold, so, I have been told…

  19. 19
    Lance

    Honey, you’re just flatout wrong about the roommates thing. Which is wild, considering you’re such a proponent of renting…I see the two as going 100% hand-in-hand.

    I think the image you have is of a small UCF-style apartment with 2-3 dudes sitting around on 1 couch with pizza boxes and beer cans everywhere. Back in college, that was a reality and yeah it sucked to bring date around. That’s just not the case now. Adults who room together have nice, spacious places where there’s ample room to bring a date and plenty of privacy. The house I’m renting has two large living rooms, a dining room, a patio, and is walking distance to downtown Orlando. My split of the rent is $550. If I had a studio down here it would cost me $800, at least. My ex-girlfriend, who owns a 1/1 condo downtown, pays $1000 mortgage payment and another $100 for the COA.

    When I bring a girl around, there’s no privacy issue. The best part is, since all the roommates are adults and have busy lifestyles, there’s rarely more than 1 person home at a time. And you know what…any date who isn’t down with a roommate can kiss my ass!!

    Okay, calming down. If you look at any study of urban development, you’ll see that density is a major factor in controlling energy usage and reducing impact on the environment. It’s simply socially irresponsible to NOT share space if you’re not married.

    Lance´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?

  20. 20
    Steve

    @Honey post #13

    Not true. I never had a lot of stuff ( and still don’t ). I have a frugal bent like you do. In my area rents are so expensive that they rival mortgages. Renting a room in a house or an apartment is much cheaper than even renting a studio.

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