What To Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit

The image of quarrel of a married couple on kitchen

Dear Evan,

I have been dating a man for nearly three months now and in the beginning everything was fine between us. He used to do things with me, but I was wondering why he never introduced me to his friends or why he never wanted to come over my house. After 1 1/2 months I realized that he started to change. He didn’t call meanymore and he started to see me less. I once broke up with him for a week, but we got back together again and now he has even less time for me. He doesn’t answer his phone automatically anymore when I call or he keeps it turned off. I’ve become real frustrated and mad with him. Now I haven’t talked to him for a couple of days to see if he would call me, but he doesn’t and I still see that he is online at a dating site. When I met him he was overweight, but started to lose so much weight. Now I have the feeling that he is not serious with our relationship and still wants to see and meet other women. Please tell me what to do.



Thank you, Ingrid, for the cringe-worthy email of the week.

Let’s quickly recap:

  • 3 month relationship. Half of it, he’s been acting different.
  • You broke up with him because he wasn’t seeing you enough.
  • Now that you’re together again, he’s seeing you less.
  • He doesn’t return calls. He doesn’t initiate calls.
  • Has lost weight and is dating other women online.

And you need me to tell you what to do?

If you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.

How about I refer you here?

And here.

And here.

And here.

See, Ingrid, you’re not wrong for being confused or feeling frustrated at this guy. But from where I sit, your issue is not that unique. In fact, it’s the most popular question I get from readers.

“I really like him, but he doesn’t commit to me/call me/treat me well. What do I do?”

So instead of saying “He’s just not that into you” for the 400th time, I want to use your letter to illustrate a favorite concept that I discuss with clients.

It’s called “mirroring”.

Basically, if you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.

If he calls you, call him back….

If he texts you, text him back.

If he tries to make plans with you, make plans with him.

If he tells you he loves you, tell him you love him back. (presuming, of course, that you do).

On the flip side, it also means that:

Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing.

If he doesn’t call you, don’t call him.

If he doesn’t text you, don’t text him.

If he doesn’t make plans with you, don’t make plans with him.

If he doesn’t tell you he loves you, don’t tell him you love him.

This isn’t my version of “The Rules.” I’m not suggesting that you play games or refuse to return his calls or any of that crap. I’m saying that you should continue to be as real and authentic as you can be.

Just let him take the lead.

Because as I’ve said a number of times…

Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing.

If he calls, if he makes plans, if he commits, he’s interested.

If he doesn’t — if you feel you have to remind him that you’re alive and interested – let him go. He doesn’t deserve you.

It hurts to hear hundreds of women asking me the same exact question and genuinely struggling for the answer that’s obvious to everyone but them.

So once and for all, to all the women reading this: You deserve a man who WANTS to be with you, not one who acts like he’s doing you a favor by returning your call.

Please, send this article to all of your friends and let them know as well.

There’s no reason I should have to write this again.

But we both know I will.

Join our conversation (151 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 1

    When I read Ingrid’s letter I got that knee-jerk kick in the stomach reaction. Ingrid, I have been there — probably way more times than you, because I’m way old, but when Evan’s right, he’s right. This mirroring concept is as ingenious as it is simple. And it’s pretty easy to remember, although I’m thinking of having it tattooed down my forearm for easy reference. Women are wise to be proactive when it comes to taking control of our lives, getting our share, fostering self-care and self-respect. But it’s easy (for me) to confuse proaction with attempting to take control of a situation that involves another human — more specifically, a human of the opposite gender. I, for one, resist the idea of being a reactionary. I would rather be the one to act, to initiate, to set the pace, because this is how assertive, smart women get counted — in the work world, the job market, politics, the arts, and even in our personal relationships, BUT when you’re first establishing a relationship which you hope will be intimate and lasting, this is one area where to NOT act, not initiate, to sit on your freakin’ hands if you have to, is actually what’s in your best interest. It’s also a loving thing you can do for yourself, if that doesn’t sound too cheesy. The behavior of your man is lame, substandard, or what I call hit-or-miss. I know if you’ve got feelings for the guy, it’s hard to see and there’s a tendency to explain it away, to try to figure it out. Thus, the tattoo idea. Please heed Evan’s advice and get your sweet self on a new path. Don’t waste one more second of worry or self-doubt on someone who brings you mostly unhappiness and who, for whatever his reasons, either can’t or won’t treat you with the care and respect you deserve from another human. You have better plans for yourself. Best of luck.

    1. 1.1

      Thank you for your post. It really put something into perspective for me.

    2. 1.2


      I really appreciate your response.   I have cried one too many times for this guy and I deserve better.
      Almost identical to Ingrid’s situation, I have been seeing this guy for 3months… 1/2 of that trying to figure out why he was so loving and into me for the first month and 1/2 and then going distant.   It made me try harder, thinking it was something I was doing or was doing wrong.   when I tried to tell him how I feel, he says   I am too sensitive and emotional.
      i see it for what it is now and it’s not me.
      thank you!  

      1. 1.2.1

        Patty, get out as soon as you can. It sounds like you may be dealing with a narcissist. These guys make you feel like a princess at the beginning so that when they begin stonewalling you, you think YOU did something wrong causing him to change, and you start scrambling to “fix it”. This only makes things worse and you are less valuable in his eyes. When he invalidates your feelings by gaslighting you, that’s another red flag. Trust me, it does not get better over time. Walk away and preserve your dignity and self-respect.

        1. Melissa Chan

          Same….i agree…to be honest, maybe they just want some “fun” for a short period of time..and they never want to develop anything and build a future with anyone.

        2. Allison

          Truth.   This is the truth. Absolutely 100%.   Especially if the guy is depressed, or literally stuck in life. Either way, could be potentially toxic.   I agree with you Mark,   yet this is definitely the vibe I got from this post.   Although, I also noticed a red flag on the poster as well, which is persuading me agree with the comment about narcissism.

          I am by no means a dating coach or expert, yet 1 1/2 months of dating is a short amount of time. Unless they were seeing each other quite often and physically intimate early, I wouldn’t necessarily expect a guy to merge me with his friends or close ones yet.    I get the impression that she may have gotten fast forwarded in a “false intimacy” situation. I’m sure that’s an assumption, but I’m a big fan of intuition and how a guy treats you before and immediately right before any type of pull back.

          It’ very possible that she DID let him lead, and beautifully positioned herself during their time together.   If they bonded quite a bit and really hit it off, the guy may not have had enough self control (impulsive) to slow himself down, so instead of the connection she felt materializing, she witnessed him pull back right at the peak and it left her with no one to catch her fall.   Which is incredibly frustrating and it hurts.   The strong bonding for her, probably left her intoxicated and smitten. Like the comment says,   and scrambling to fix it. Left her in a state of “what did I do wrong.” Which to him, could have turned him off if he saw it as her becoming overly attatched or lower value.    If he was the leading guy, it’s him who is the sabatuer, because he can’t see what he does to cause it. Too much, too fast, stonewall, and gaslight to dodge responsibility.   He could have came back because of mixed emotions.   Probably felt it, but then something just died.   When he tried to bond again, nothing happened. No more euphoria, or wasn’t as strong. Needed something to kick start his motivation in life because he has none.   He needs power.    Kind of like an addict looking for a high.   He got the high, but when it came to the high point, he couldn’t trust it, it wasn’t as good the next time.   An Avoidant.   Sometimes could be fear of getting hurt again, Abandonment issues, not fully healed and temporary, etc.

          I definitely don’t think the poster is misinterpretting the bonding experience with this guy.    Most women I talk to, and that is a lot, don’t make emotional stuff up without reason.   Unless it gets interrupted during upbringing, I think a lot of women are primed early to let guys lead.

          Nonetheless, the way things went up that quick and crashed, I’d see that as a giant red flag to run.   The guy has issues and she didn’t do anything to cause it.    He was into her, but isn’t ready.   May never be with anyone.   Not her problem.   I say Block Him, he’s not Real, and if she leaves the door cracked one bit he could keep trying to come back in.

  2. 2

    ok, but what if you’re doing the mirroring thing, and 1 day she hits you with “it takes so much effort to be with you. Why do I always have to initiate everything?” True story. What should one say then?

  3. 3
    Evan Marc Katz

    Mirroring is for women, Roberto. Guys have to take the lead. It SHOULDN’T be so much effort to be with you because it’s your job to make her feel secure.

    1. 3.1

      yep. that’s right.

      1. 3.1.1
        David B

        Really, I have a job and you shouldn’t be work. We don’t commit because we don’t need the extra work, you guys aren’t worth it, there are more out there.

    2. 3.2

      Yes, I do agree Guys have to take the lead, and make your love one feel secure.
      My boyfriend of three years has never revealed name of his friend who he goes out with, and also never share with me the place he went dinner with his friend(s) .
      Reason from him is he does not like reporting!!
      I tried to give him benefit of doubts for years. and Now I give up and it hurts a lot honestly. I never feel secure at all and it is very stressful to wonder who he is with whenever he goes out even though I have already informed him this will jeopardise our relationship.
      We just broke up this year.

      1. 3.2.1

        Wow.. yes indeed the feeling of not being wanted so eats at ones soul.its actions not words ..

    3. 3.3

      hi Evans, Reading these women’s experience makes me feel worse. i am in a platonic relationship w a guy for 4 yrs now( we were bf-gf for 8mos prior then we reconnected & get stuck w this). i hate it & its hurtful. 4 yrs of   platonic relationship but he calls me everyday, we spent time & go out everywknds & spents all major holidays together. but the problem? i have not met his parents or friends & after so many heart to heart talk of letting him know that i want a committed relationship- its now 2016 & nothing have change. i tried to cut him off of my life but he keeps on showing up on my door unannounce & cry & blow up my cell w his calls.   its exhausting. he will not commit but he will not let go of me. 🙁 its been 4 yrs!!

      1. 3.3.1
        Karl R

        stella said:

        “he keeps on showing up on my door unannounce & cry & blow up my cell w his calls.”


        When he calls, let his calls go to voice mail, then delete them without listening to them.


        When he cries, let him. He can figure out how to use a Klenex without your assistance.


        When he shows up at your door unannounced, ask him (through the closed door) to leave. If he refuses, call the police and charge him with trespassing. If he persists, get a restraining order.


        He’s not going to commit to you in 2016 … or 2017 … or 2018 … etc.


        Since he’s not going to commit to you, get rid of him.   And based upon your description of his behavior, I would assume that will be difficult.   It may require police involvement.   It will (eventually) be worth it.


        He doesn’t have to commit to you, but he is required (by law, in most jurisdictions) to leave you alone.

      2. 3.3.2
        Karmic Equation

        I’m with Karl.

        Why does HE get to choose what happens between you?

        He can’t be in your life if you don’t let him in it.

        Be strong and do as Karl says. Ignore his calls. Delete his voicemails. Tell him to leave you alone or you’ll call the police. And if he doesn’t after that warning, call the police, don’t let it be an empty threat.

        If you can’t do any of the above, then quit blaming him for your exhaustion. You’re doing this to yourself by failing to maintain your boundaries.

      3. 3.3.3

        Here’s a great quote I read on Facebook the other day that applies here–“I don’t chase after anyone anymore.   If you want to walk out of my life, I’ll gladly hold the door open for you”.   But in this case, not only hold the door open for him, but shove him outside and then lock the door so that he can never get back in it again!   If he hasn’t given you the committed relationship you desire after 4 years, he just never will.   It sounds like he wants all the benefits of a relationship, without wanting any of the responsibilities of one–and just likes the ego boost of your attention and you being so hung up on him.   I say cut him off, get a fresh new start and find someone who will gladly give you the commitment you desire without any mixed signals.

        1. stella

          thank you Christine, Karl & Karmic. thank you for the words of encouragement. I need to be strong & uphold my bounderies. I know Im weak due to my fear of going back to the saddle of dating again. But thats not a good reason to let anybody take advantage of my vulnerability. i still want to find my true love therefore I need to do all the things that you guys have said or I will wait for nothing & die alone. 😓   that would be sad.

      4. 3.3.4

        Yes you are the comfort zone for him the safe place to land but he will never admit to that. Drop him he will continue until you close the door !!

      5. 3.3.5

        Stella you so deserve more. Not right not meeting friends or family it’s like he has a wall and you at blocked from it. Don’t waste one more minute .. get on with your life and do not give him the time of day he so isn’t into you or else he would definetly commit .. or else he will never commit.. I know a person exactly like that he is 51 and he will be like that until the day he dies sadly and he is missing out..

    4. 3.4

      wow what a mangina post! I treat women like dirt and never pay a dime on dates. I make over $150k and spend it all on myself. Because I am 6 ft tall and ripped and steel great, wear expensive clothes women run after me…the more crappier I treat them the more they want me!

      1. 3.4.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        It’s hard to tell what’s worse: your character or your grammar. Either way, get out of here. There’s no point in arguing with strangers on the internet when there are women just waiting to be treated like crap by you.


        1. Deepti

          Very well said, respect you for that….

      2. 3.4.2

        I   long to see the day that you were treated the same way you’ve treated women. Nothing is better than being served your own medicine, don’t you agree?

  4. 4

    I’m kind of in the same situation. However, we’ve been together for about 6 months. Lately, I feel like I’m the one doing all the work. And if I didn’t call to make plans, we’d never see each other. Hell, we wouldn’t even talk to eachother. It sucks because he was my best friend and we finally decided, after 8 years of being really good friends, to give “us” a shot (at his prompting, not mine–but I was totally into the idea).

    I would have rather he said it wasn’t working for him than to completely ignore me for the last month.

    But now I know. And I *do* deserve better than this. I deserve someone who actually *wants to spend time with me*.

    Thanks for the tip Evan. Something to keep in the back of my mind.

  5. 5

    ok, guys need to take the lead. Not the most fair, but that’s the way it goes, so fine. But if a guy doesn’t mirror even a little bit, then how’s he supposed to differentiate between when a girl is “playing hard to get” (for whatever reason) and “just not interested?

    1. 5.1

      If you ask for her number and she gives it to her, she’s probably interested. *   Or perhaps she felt awkward refusing you to your face, but go ahead and take a chance and call that number.   If you call her and she actually answers, and it doesn’t go to voice mail, she’s interested.   If she answers enthusiastically “Hello Roberto !” she’s really interested.   You should   be able to gauge her interest by her voice tone.   If you get her voice mail, but she returns your call same day, she’s interested.   You ask her out, she says “yes”, she’s interested.   If that day you suggest REALLY doesn’t work for her, she says something along the lines of   “Ohhhhh, I would LOVE to do that, but I really, really can’t, but Sunday, Tuesday or Monday works for me, could we get together then ?”   You say, “Sunday works for me” she says “yes”, she’s interested.   You take her out, she laughs at your jokes, she smiles alot, she’s interested.   You reach for her hand, she doesn’t withdraw her hand, she’s interested.   You kiss her good night, she give you her lips and kisses you back, she’s interested.   You say, “I had fun, let’s do this again”, she says “Thanks for tonight, I had a GREAT time, yes, I’d LOVE to see you again” she’s interested.   You make plans then and there, she says “yes”, she’s interested.
      On the other hand, you ask for her number and she refuses to give it to you, she’s JNITY.   Or perhaps she’s not real good at saying “no” to your face, so she hems and haws as she gives you her number, and proceeds to tell you how “busy” she is, and her work schedule is “up in the air”, and she’s going to a family re-union in 2 weeks, but maybe in 6 weeks her “crazy” life will calm down enough to take your call . . .     You try to call her just to say “hi”, you get her voice mail and never hear from her again.   DUDE, she’s not playing hard to get, SJNITY.
        I actually recently met a guy named Roberto at a meet up,   that I was very interested in. He asked to get coffee after the meet up, I said “yes”.   He asked if I’d like to see his artwork on his phone, I said “yes”   and when he asked for my number, I gave it to him.   I thought I was sending him all the right signals that I was interested, he said he wanted to get together for a bike ride, I said yes, I would love to do that.   He said he would call me, but all I got was an e-mail 15 days later, sending me a poem he wrote.   (he told me he wrote poetry, and he showed me some of his art on his phone)     15 days later I wrote back and said thanks for the beautiful poem.   Never heard back from him.   So yes, if that was you, I was very interested.   Key word “WAS“.  
      I really doubt that you are the same artist/poet Roberto,* but you two seem to have a name in common, and expecting the girl to chase you in common.   A BIG TURN OFF !
      *If it turns out that you ARE the same Roberto, I think I’ll just crawl into a hole and never post on this blog again !   But maybe I’ll write a poem about it.

      1. 5.1.1

        I know what you mean however I was on my first date in my 50s and a guy kept on trying to grab my hand. I did not even know him yet and he was really annoyed by this. We had dinner and went for a walk. It may sound stupid but we talked for an hour basically I did not want to hold hand with a strange though we hit it off famously. That being said I must say that we are still together after 16   years not married, we live individually and we are now both in our 60s. We help each other, we are companions to each other but we had been single for a long time.   He is taking me overseas for a vacation. He broke his front tooth and foot bike riding and I took care of him.   We love each other but he is a super neat engineer and I am an artist creative spontaneous types so living together would not work. We trust each other but still we had sex   pretty quickly even though I did not feel comfortable holding his hand on the first date. We were going to marry but I do not think it would work. He is inflexible where I am really flexible. He is a control freak and I don’t like being bossed around.   We can talk about many topics. He knows my children and I know his and it all seems to work out okay. Yet we can do our own activities in the day and hang out at night and watch TV and do other activities on the weekends. As people live longer and longer, I think marriage may not make so much sense. It might make more sense for the poorer of the two. I am not wealthy he probably is. I still do not want someone to tell me how to spend my money. I don’t want to buy everything at Costco. Nothing against Costco, I find many things there but I want my independence.

        1. Alexandra

          Nice to know I am not the only person in the world who is in a relationship for a long time and doesn’t want to get married… And for exactly the same reason as you! I do love him and he is wonderful for me, but he is so organized and I am so distracted that se would give each other a hard time, and things are good just as they are… Ù

      2. 5.1.2

        Omggg I haven’t stopped laughing after reading this comment 👍 👍 love it!

    2. 5.2

      that is a fair question Roberto – it isn’t really the topic of this blog , but always nice to think of what the guys might be experiencing. (I don’t have an answer for you)  

    3. 5.3

      The whole point of mirroring is that it’s not playing “hard-to-get”. When the man initiates anything, he risks rejection, but just see how she responds. If you call or text and she doesn’t respond, she’s not interested. If you ask her out and she declines and doesn’t offer an alternative or have a good reason, she’s probably not interested. Take the risk by taking the initiative, but if she doesn’t reciprocate, then you’ll know to move on.

    4. 5.4

      I think it’s a risk, at point she’s probably so confused you may need to make a grand gesture and be quite consistent in securing her trust.   Such as being a strong leader. If you can’t do that, let her go.    Otherwise you may unintentionally,   be playing with her head.   Don’t worry about if shes interested. Show her that you are.   Women need security.   You’re acting like you have none. So get secure if you want to keep her. It is fair, if you want to be the masculine male.


    5. 5.5

      If she’s playing “hard to get” or “isn’t interested” she wouldn’t mirror you. You have to make the first move. Re read the article. If you (he) calls, she calls back. If you text, she texts back. If you make plans for a date, she’ll make plans for the next date, and so on. If she’s not interested or is playing hard to get then she wouldn’t put in any effort at all and you would find yourself making all the calls, texts and plans with no reciprocation.

  6. 6

    I like the idea of ‘Mirroring’; it is an interesting concept and I believe somehow it will work with men. If a girl take the initiative to call me, then there is a higher probability of me calling her back and calling her more; especially if I am fond of her too. I would say it’s the ‘face’ issue as in man want to make sure or confirm that the lady feels the same way about them too before taking action.

    Evan is right about, “Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing”, at least it’s true for me. I am generous with words but end of the day, I am an action man that would rather do it than to say it. However, always practise flexibility. There is no one true case in every situation.

  7. 7

    from one to three months is the “perfect” period in a relationship. Everything is just right. For some of us, there is nothing wrong with 90 day relationships, so, I am told…..

  8. 8

    Roberto – It’s easy to know if a woman isn’t interested in you. You simply take the initiative to call her, and if she never calls you back, then you know. For sure. As for “playing hard to get,” Evan isn’t suggesting woman “play” at anything. He’s suggested that if the man makes a woman feel assured and secure by taking the initiative to contact her, following up on their good times together, it shows her that you’re genuinely interest in her and, 99% of women are going to be very glad to hear from you and admire you for taking that step. What Evan is trying to discourage women from doing is taking the initiave, over and over again, to keep an otherwise lame relationship alive, when really there would be no relationship if she didn’t make the calls, set up the plans, etc. If the woman stops, the relationship stops, and then the woman feels humiliated by her own behavior and hurt because she wanted to believe there was more to it, etc etc.

    And Hunter, you are absolutely right. There IS nothing wrong with 90-day relationships. And think of how many of them you could have over the course of a lifetime! But here’s the thing, most women I know would like to have that kind of information right up front from a man, so by honestly disclosing in your online profile that you’re in it for 3 months, tops, then that’s a clear signal to all those women who also love 90-day relationships that You’re Their Man. Then the women who want something a little more indepth can concentrate on the other men who are also looking for something a little longer, a little deeper. Then everyone’s happy. I know it’s not as fun as turning a woman’s head in that initial “perfect” period, filling her with all that talk about how great she is & how you’re going to have great times in the future, then making your exit when your attention span starts to sputter & your mind to wander, but, well, we all have to make sacrifices. So, Happy Hunting, you 90-day wonder, you!

    1. 8.1

      So true. I have guy friends that aren’t interested in long term. Some dating apps actually have short term in their looking for field. I always get a feel for men to see if they have a history of short cycle, instant relationships. There’s nothing wrong with that, however, not cool if they give the idea that they have long term relationship goals when they don’t. One reason why it’s important to ask good questions and be gradual in intimacy of it will bother you to have sex early on only to be broken up with.

  9. 9

    Zann, I think Hunter was joking about the 90-day relationship idea. But let’s say he’s not – in theory it sounds good if someone says upfront that they’re only in for 90 days, but let’s be realisitic – most people aren’t that calculating, and if a guy says this there’s a good chance he wouldn’t get to sleep with her instead of leading her to think that he’ll commit for the long term.

  10. 10

    Oy. That sickening realization that the relationship was limping along only through your valiant efforts. And that horrible feeling as you come to grips with it, and start to examine all the instances you should have read the signs, and the humiliation as you realize just how many there were. That’s exactly the feeling we should hang on to when we start to wonder what is going on in a relationship that is going south. Even if the first few slip by, being aware of the realities of the dating world should put it in perspective quickly enough. But we should also be nice to ourselves, because after all, the fact that we can give someone the benefit of the doubt or see the best in others is a strength, not a weakness. It’s not going to kill us that we overlooked some things before we caught on. I think keeping that in mind can take the sting out, at least a little bit, when these situations occur.

    1. 10.1

      Incredible post that made I possible to forgive myself for being a chump.


      Thank you.

    2. 10.2

      Thank you. That’s what I just told myself too! The trick is not to be so forgiving of others’ flaws that we allow people to take advantage or to see only what we want to see.

  11. 11

    Roberto, I agree with Zann – if a woman complains to you that she’s doing all the work, perhaps you should ask yourself if you are truly interested in being with her or in a relationship at all.

    If a woman wants to be in a serious relationship she’s not going to want to waste her time with a guy who’s not taking the initiative – at least she shouldn’t, that’ what this post is about. And we’re not talking about playing games, it’s things like not calling on a regular basis, not introducing her to friends, mixed messages (coming on strong at first then going awol) etc. Too many of us have met guys we like only to be let down because they’re not committing.

    In my view this is why there are so many single people compared with our parent’s generation (I’m in my late 30’s). So much of the media points fingers to women who have more opportunities than our moms did, but I don’t see as much about men who for whatever reason are afraid to – or don’t want the responibilities of – being in a committed relationship.

  12. 12

    Yahooo! Thank you WannaBeMatzoBalled. It’s nice to have that reminder about forgiving ourselves when we feel the sting & humiliation of being “fooled yet again” …..realizing, in retrospect, we were blind to the red flags. (Besides red flags are not always red; in fact, sometimes they’re an endearing shade of pale pink, and, thus, appear harmless, maybe even cute…. at the time.) And you know what they say about hindsight. But I’d rather be a person who gives the benefit of the doubt than be paranoid, constantly suspicious, and bitter. I do wonder, however, whether women are more prone to feel empathy than men are, because sometimes it seems this works against us in the minefield of relationships with men.

    1. 12.1

      Zann,   your comments are always well thought out and I really enjoy reading them.   But I just had to reply to your comment about red flags.   Yes they are absolutely sometimes pale pink.   I think those are the men who I, inadvertently, find interesting and intriguing…and harmless.   But, as I suspect we both have discovered, isn’t always the case.   Best of luck!

  13. 13

    What I always ask myself in situations like this one is, “Is it reasonable for me to expect x, y, or z?” And I consider the kind of behavior that one could expect in a healthy relationship, and I compare my situation to that. I think it’s so easy for us women to justify the bad behavior of men–in fact, “He’s Just Not That Into You” is full of stories of women who justify the bad behavior of men.

    But if you ask yourself, “Is it reasonable for me to expect someone who loves me to call me a few times a week? Is it reasonable for me to expect them to return my calls in a timely fashion? Is it reasonable to expect to see him every couple of days?”

    Yes! It’s reasonable! It doesn’t mean you’re clingy or dependent. Too often I think we allow this bad behavior because we’re afraid of looking needy.

    There’s nothing wrong with having needs. We all have them. And it’s reasonable for us to expect our partners to try to meet them.

  14. 14

    It’s almost funny that Ingrid has to ask, but I guess when we want to believe something is other than it is, we become blind to the obvious. It’s easier to see it in others than in ourselves. Right on Ev.

  15. 15
    Xtremely miserable

    I am in a similar situation except that I have been dating my boyfriend for 11 years. We have been through alot together including 5 years of long distance relationship. 2 years back my boyfriend has the same issue where he just doesn’t return calls or smses when he was studying abroad, i don’t hear from him for weeks and he grew distant. That’s caused our break-up. We got back together 2 months later when he returned to the country. The relationship improved, he calls me regularly without fail, met all my family members, and he was there for me this March when my dad passed away being extremely supportive and even took me on a holiday. My birthday just passed and he planned my birthday celebration with my friends and even mentioned about saving money for wedding funds. But two weeks ago, he started his dissapearing act again. He doesn’t return calls or sms. I emailed him and he will email replies only few days later saying he is busy. I have not seen him for 2 weeks. I rang him and smsed him today he didn’t answer again or return my calls. When i emailed him, he briefly reply he is going away for the weekend for work. When I asked him for details he didn’t reply. Why he is not answering calls but replying emails? This is a public holiday weekend and I am devastated that he didn’t even bother to ring me to tell me he is going away until i emailed him. How can someone’s feelings changed so suddenly? Based on your replies, I know he is not into me anymore and no one can be too busy to not call or answer calls for two weeks. I am devastated especially I have spend 11 years with him, am dying a slow death feeling. Help!!

    1. 15.1

      I’ve been with mine for 7 years and he’s doing the similar things.
      Bottom line they are selfish. they changed and your feelings no longer matter. Sad to say. I’ve been in denial for a while. I know I’m gonna have to let go despite everything. Gotta love yourself first.

    2. 15.2

      Oh, X, I really feel for you, and N too.   I too got left only 4 months ago from a 7 year partnership.   I left my ex. for him, believing he was the ONE.   We were happy for a while, esp. because I was helping him through a lot of drama.   It seems once that ended and his life straightened out he didn’t need me anymore.   Looking back there were so many signs of “are you an idiot, leave, don’t get treated like this, duh” but I hung in there, for my kids and my sense of commitment, “I was going to make this work”.   Reading these posts really helps.   I can’t believe I have let myself get to this place, can’t believe I could fall for a liar.   Its taking a long time for my heart to remember that I deserve The Best, no matter how much time I already lost, or how long it may take. We need to be authentic to ourselves, girls.   And pray that will put us in the right place to meet the right guy if that is what Life wants for us.   Can you look in the mirror and love you? Thats our job first.   I still have a ways to go, but I am getting there.   Thanks, girls and be good to yourselves. llg

    3. 15.3

      Wow that’s so sad.   Myself too five years with the same guy and as of yesterday I’ve washed my hands on him entirely. I have finally come to the conclusion he will never ever change I’m not wasting one more minute. Yes he’s a great guy and such but life is ticking me by and enough is enough. Upward and onward is now my motto

      1. 15.3.1

        “Onward and Upward!” was also my motto during a hard time. I even used it as my login password at work. Typing it so many times each day really did help!

  16. 16

    xtremely, it sounds like your bf is getting cold feet and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. After 11 years if he can’t return a phone call then imagine what it would be like if you were married to him. He won’t change, the only thing you can do is cut your losses, as painful as it seems now.

    1. 16.1

      Dear xtremely, I do agree with downtowngal on her comment. I’m not sure what your bf does for work but having to work over the public holiday weekend, and not telling you as well in advance…sounds like alarm bells ringing to me. You deserve much better waiting on him this long.  
      I just want to copy as well what Evant wrote earlier…. “if you feel you have to remind him that you’re alive and interested — let him go. He doesn’t deserve you.” Best of luck.

  17. 17

    I agree with all of you and thanks for posting all your thoughts here.
    It helped me at this point with my situation.

  18. 18

    Hi Xtremely,

    My heart goes out to you. I agree that it sounds like your bf has a bad case of cold feet. After 11 years of dating, he probably feels a little pressured and realizes the only logical next step in marriage, but he is not going there for his own reasons.

    Frankly I am surprized you have hung in there this long! I should talk, I was in one relationship for seven years. The jerk ended up walking out on me two weeks after my mother died and marrying someone else a year later.

    There should be an expiration date on dating, like sour milk. If BF doesn’t ask you to marry after a year, you toss the relationship!

    1. 18.1

      I agree with you @Illinoisgirl I’ve been with mine
        for Seven years and I know I’m gonna have to go. He won’t
      go beyond the engagement ring. That engagement has went
      on long enough. He has cold feet. He doesn’t communicate any more.
      I hate the fact that all my time has been wasted for nothing.

      1. 18.1.1

        Hi N

        I broke off a 5 year relationship and was also engaged. I had similar issues and certain different issues   but looking back now even though i did love him very much and he was a good person we werent right for each other and it was the best decision to end it. I now have the most amazing relationship which wouldn’t have happened if I didnt let go to something that wasn’t working

  19. 19

    When I waited for the man to call me he said that it was rude to expect the man to call first. I waited a week and he said “Hi, so you do remember me? and “I thought you found someone else”. He was the one to stop the relationship! What do you do then? What if you wait and he is expecting you to call?

  20. 20

    “It’s rude to expect the man to call first”? Where did he get that from? I don’t know what to tell you Julz, I’ve never met anyone who thought that way.

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