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I have been dating a man for nearly three months now and in the beginning everything was fine between us. He used to do things with me, but I was wondering why he never introduced me to his friends or why he never wanted to come over my house. After 1 1/2 months I realized that he started to change. He didn’t call meanymore and he started to see me less. I once broke up with him for a week, but we got back together again and now he has even less time for me. He doesn’t answer his phone automatically anymore when I call or he keeps it turned off. I’ve become real frustrated and mad with him. Now I haven’t talked to him for a couple of days to see if he would call me, but he doesn’t and I still see that he is online at a dating site. When I met him he was overweight, but started to lose so much weight. Now I have the feeling that he is not serious with our relationship and still wants to see and meet other women. Please tell me what to do.
Thanks,
Ingrid
Thank you, Ingrid, for the cringe-worthy email of the week.
Let’s quickly recap:
- 3 month relationship. Half of it, he’s been acting different.
- You broke up with him because he wasn’t seeing you enough.
- Now that you’re together again, he’s seeing you less.
- He doesn’t return calls. He doesn’t initiate calls.
- Has lost weight and is dating other women online.
And you need me to tell you what to do?
If you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.
How about I refer you here?
And here.
And here.
And here.
See, Ingrid, you’re not wrong for being confused or feeling frustrated at this guy. But from where I sit, your issue is not that unique. In fact, it’s the most popular question I get from readers.
“I really like him, but he doesn’t commit to me/call me/treat me well. What do I do?”
So instead of saying “He’s just not that into you” for the 400th time, I want to use your letter to illustrate a favorite concept that I discuss with clients.
It’s called “mirroring”.
Basically, if you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.
If he calls you, call him back….
If he texts you, text him back.
If he tries to make plans with you, make plans with him.
If he tells you he loves you, tell him you love him back. (presuming, of course, that you do).
On the flip side, it also means that:
Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing.
If he doesn’t call you, don’t call him.
If he doesn’t text you, don’t text him.
If he doesn’t make plans with you, don’t make plans with him.
If he doesn’t tell you he loves you, don’t tell him you love him.
This isn’t my version of “The Rules.” I’m not suggesting that you play games or refuse to return his calls or any of that crap. I’m saying that you should continue to be as real and authentic as you can be.
Just let him take the lead.
Because as I’ve said a number of times…
Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing.
If he calls, if he makes plans, if he commits, he’s interested.
If he doesn’t — if you feel you have to remind him that you’re alive and interested – let him go. He doesn’t deserve you.
It hurts to hear hundreds of women asking me the same exact question and genuinely struggling for the answer that’s obvious to everyone but them.
So once and for all, to all the women reading this: You deserve a man who WANTS to be with you, not one who acts like he’s doing you a favor by returning your call.
Please, send this article to all of your friends and let them know as well.
There’s no reason I should have to write this again.
But we both know I will.
Zann says
When I read Ingrid’s letter I got that knee-jerk kick in the stomach reaction. Ingrid, I have been there — probably way more times than you, because I’m way old, but when Evan’s right, he’s right. This mirroring concept is as ingenious as it is simple. And it’s pretty easy to remember, although I’m thinking of having it tattooed down my forearm for easy reference. Women are wise to be proactive when it comes to taking control of our lives, getting our share, fostering self-care and self-respect. But it’s easy (for me) to confuse proaction with attempting to take control of a situation that involves another human — more specifically, a human of the opposite gender. I, for one, resist the idea of being a reactionary. I would rather be the one to act, to initiate, to set the pace, because this is how assertive, smart women get counted — in the work world, the job market, politics, the arts, and even in our personal relationships, BUT when you’re first establishing a relationship which you hope will be intimate and lasting, this is one area where to NOT act, not initiate, to sit on your freakin’ hands if you have to, is actually what’s in your best interest. It’s also a loving thing you can do for yourself, if that doesn’t sound too cheesy. The behavior of your man is lame, substandard, or what I call hit-or-miss. I know if you’ve got feelings for the guy, it’s hard to see and there’s a tendency to explain it away, to try to figure it out. Thus, the tattoo idea. Please heed Evan’s advice and get your sweet self on a new path. Don’t waste one more second of worry or self-doubt on someone who brings you mostly unhappiness and who, for whatever his reasons, either can’t or won’t treat you with the care and respect you deserve from another human. You have better plans for yourself. Best of luck.
Jem says
Thank you for your post. It really put something into perspective for me.
Patty says
Zamm,
I really appreciate your response. I have cried one too many times for this guy and I deserve better.
Almost identical to Ingrid’s situation, I have been seeing this guy for 3months… 1/2 of that trying to figure out why he was so loving and into me for the first month and 1/2 and then going distant. It made me try harder, thinking it was something I was doing or was doing wrong. when I tried to tell him how I feel, he says I am too sensitive and emotional.
i see it for what it is now and it’s not me.
thank you!
Michelle says
Patty, get out as soon as you can. It sounds like you may be dealing with a narcissist. These guys make you feel like a princess at the beginning so that when they begin stonewalling you, you think YOU did something wrong causing him to change, and you start scrambling to “fix it”. This only makes things worse and you are less valuable in his eyes. When he invalidates your feelings by gaslighting you, that’s another red flag. Trust me, it does not get better over time. Walk away and preserve your dignity and self-respect.
Melissa Chan says
Same….i agree…to be honest, maybe they just want some “fun” for a short period of time..and they never want to develop anything and build a future with anyone.
Allison says
Truth. This is the truth. Absolutely 100%. Especially if the guy is depressed, or literally stuck in life. Either way, could be potentially toxic. I agree with you Mark, yet this is definitely the vibe I got from this post. Although, I also noticed a red flag on the poster as well, which is persuading me agree with the comment about narcissism.
I am by no means a dating coach or expert, yet 1 1/2 months of dating is a short amount of time. Unless they were seeing each other quite often and physically intimate early, I wouldn’t necessarily expect a guy to merge me with his friends or close ones yet. I get the impression that she may have gotten fast forwarded in a “false intimacy” situation. I’m sure that’s an assumption, but I’m a big fan of intuition and how a guy treats you before and immediately right before any type of pull back.
It’ very possible that she DID let him lead, and beautifully positioned herself during their time together. If they bonded quite a bit and really hit it off, the guy may not have had enough self control (impulsive) to slow himself down, so instead of the connection she felt materializing, she witnessed him pull back right at the peak and it left her with no one to catch her fall. Which is incredibly frustrating and it hurts. The strong bonding for her, probably left her intoxicated and smitten. Like the comment says, and scrambling to fix it. Left her in a state of “what did I do wrong.” Which to him, could have turned him off if he saw it as her becoming overly attatched or lower value. If he was the leading guy, it’s him who is the sabatuer, because he can’t see what he does to cause it. Too much, too fast, stonewall, and gaslight to dodge responsibility. He could have came back because of mixed emotions. Probably felt it, but then something just died. When he tried to bond again, nothing happened. No more euphoria, or wasn’t as strong. Needed something to kick start his motivation in life because he has none. He needs power. Kind of like an addict looking for a high. He got the high, but when it came to the high point, he couldn’t trust it, it wasn’t as good the next time. An Avoidant. Sometimes could be fear of getting hurt again, Abandonment issues, not fully healed and temporary, etc.
I definitely don’t think the poster is misinterpretting the bonding experience with this guy. Most women I talk to, and that is a lot, don’t make emotional stuff up without reason. Unless it gets interrupted during upbringing, I think a lot of women are primed early to let guys lead.
Nonetheless, the way things went up that quick and crashed, I’d see that as a giant red flag to run. The guy has issues and she didn’t do anything to cause it. He was into her, but isn’t ready. May never be with anyone. Not her problem. I say Block Him, he’s not Real, and if she leaves the door cracked one bit he could keep trying to come back in.
roberto says
ok, but what if you’re doing the mirroring thing, and 1 day she hits you with “it takes so much effort to be with you. Why do I always have to initiate everything?” True story. What should one say then?
Evan Marc Katz says
Mirroring is for women, Roberto. Guys have to take the lead. It SHOULDN’T be so much effort to be with you because it’s your job to make her feel secure.
Kareen says
yep. that’s right.
David B says
Really, I have a job and you shouldn’t be work. We don’t commit because we don’t need the extra work, you guys aren’t worth it, there are more out there.
Melissa says
Yes, I do agree Guys have to take the lead, and make your love one feel secure.
My boyfriend of three years has never revealed name of his friend who he goes out with, and also never share with me the place he went dinner with his friend(s) .
Reason from him is he does not like reporting!!
I tried to give him benefit of doubts for years. and Now I give up and it hurts a lot honestly. I never feel secure at all and it is very stressful to wonder who he is with whenever he goes out even though I have already informed him this will jeopardise our relationship.
We just broke up this year.
Christine says
Wow.. yes indeed the feeling of not being wanted so eats at ones soul.its actions not words ..
stella says
hi Evans, Reading these women’s experience makes me feel worse. i am in a platonic relationship w a guy for 4 yrs now( we were bf-gf for 8mos prior then we reconnected & get stuck w this). i hate it & its hurtful. 4 yrs of platonic relationship but he calls me everyday, we spent time & go out everywknds & spents all major holidays together. but the problem? i have not met his parents or friends & after so many heart to heart talk of letting him know that i want a committed relationship- its now 2016 & nothing have change. i tried to cut him off of my life but he keeps on showing up on my door unannounce & cry & blow up my cell w his calls. its exhausting. he will not commit but he will not let go of me. 🙁 its been 4 yrs!!
Karl R says
stella said:
“he keeps on showing up on my door unannounce & cry & blow up my cell w his calls.”
When he calls, let his calls go to voice mail, then delete them without listening to them.
When he cries, let him. He can figure out how to use a Klenex without your assistance.
When he shows up at your door unannounced, ask him (through the closed door) to leave. If he refuses, call the police and charge him with trespassing. If he persists, get a restraining order.
He’s not going to commit to you in 2016 … or 2017 … or 2018 … etc.
Since he’s not going to commit to you, get rid of him. And based upon your description of his behavior, I would assume that will be difficult. It may require police involvement. It will (eventually) be worth it.
He doesn’t have to commit to you, but he is required (by law, in most jurisdictions) to leave you alone.
Karmic Equation says
I’m with Karl.
Why does HE get to choose what happens between you?
He can’t be in your life if you don’t let him in it.
Be strong and do as Karl says. Ignore his calls. Delete his voicemails. Tell him to leave you alone or you’ll call the police. And if he doesn’t after that warning, call the police, don’t let it be an empty threat.
If you can’t do any of the above, then quit blaming him for your exhaustion. You’re doing this to yourself by failing to maintain your boundaries.
Christine says
Here’s a great quote I read on Facebook the other day that applies here–“I don’t chase after anyone anymore. If you want to walk out of my life, I’ll gladly hold the door open for you”. But in this case, not only hold the door open for him, but shove him outside and then lock the door so that he can never get back in it again! If he hasn’t given you the committed relationship you desire after 4 years, he just never will. It sounds like he wants all the benefits of a relationship, without wanting any of the responsibilities of one–and just likes the ego boost of your attention and you being so hung up on him. I say cut him off, get a fresh new start and find someone who will gladly give you the commitment you desire without any mixed signals.
stella says
thank you Christine, Karl & Karmic. thank you for the words of encouragement. I need to be strong & uphold my bounderies. I know Im weak due to my fear of going back to the saddle of dating again. But thats not a good reason to let anybody take advantage of my vulnerability. i still want to find my true love therefore I need to do all the things that you guys have said or I will wait for nothing & die alone. 😓 that would be sad.
Christine says
Yes you are the comfort zone for him the safe place to land but he will never admit to that. Drop him he will continue until you close the door !!
Christine says
Stella you so deserve more. Not right not meeting friends or family it’s like he has a wall and you at blocked from it. Don’t waste one more minute .. get on with your life and do not give him the time of day he so isn’t into you or else he would definetly commit .. or else he will never commit.. I know a person exactly like that he is 51 and he will be like that until the day he dies sadly and he is missing out..
randy says
wow what a mangina post! I treat women like dirt and never pay a dime on dates. I make over $150k and spend it all on myself. Because I am 6 ft tall and ripped and steel great, wear expensive clothes women run after me…the more crappier I treat them the more they want me!
Evan Marc Katz says
It’s hard to tell what’s worse: your character or your grammar. Either way, get out of here. There’s no point in arguing with strangers on the internet when there are women just waiting to be treated like crap by you.
Buh-bye.
Deepti says
Very well said, respect you for that….
Esther says
I long to see the day that you were treated the same way you’ve treated women. Nothing is better than being served your own medicine, don’t you agree?
lizzy says
I’m kind of in the same situation. However, we’ve been together for about 6 months. Lately, I feel like I’m the one doing all the work. And if I didn’t call to make plans, we’d never see each other. Hell, we wouldn’t even talk to eachother. It sucks because he was my best friend and we finally decided, after 8 years of being really good friends, to give “us” a shot (at his prompting, not mine–but I was totally into the idea).
I would have rather he said it wasn’t working for him than to completely ignore me for the last month.
But now I know. And I *do* deserve better than this. I deserve someone who actually *wants to spend time with me*.
Thanks for the tip Evan. Something to keep in the back of my mind.
roberto says
ok, guys need to take the lead. Not the most fair, but that’s the way it goes, so fine. But if a guy doesn’t mirror even a little bit, then how’s he supposed to differentiate between when a girl is “playing hard to get” (for whatever reason) and “just not interested?
SparklingEmerald says
If you ask for her number and she gives it to her, she’s probably interested. * Or perhaps she felt awkward refusing you to your face, but go ahead and take a chance and call that number. If you call her and she actually answers, and it doesn’t go to voice mail, she’s interested. If she answers enthusiastically “Hello Roberto !” she’s really interested. You should be able to gauge her interest by her voice tone. If you get her voice mail, but she returns your call same day, she’s interested. You ask her out, she says “yes”, she’s interested. If that day you suggest REALLY doesn’t work for her, she says something along the lines of “Ohhhhh, I would LOVE to do that, but I really, really can’t, but Sunday, Tuesday or Monday works for me, could we get together then ?” You say, “Sunday works for me” she says “yes”, she’s interested. You take her out, she laughs at your jokes, she smiles alot, she’s interested. You reach for her hand, she doesn’t withdraw her hand, she’s interested. You kiss her good night, she give you her lips and kisses you back, she’s interested. You say, “I had fun, let’s do this again”, she says “Thanks for tonight, I had a GREAT time, yes, I’d LOVE to see you again” she’s interested. You make plans then and there, she says “yes”, she’s interested.
On the other hand, you ask for her number and she refuses to give it to you, she’s JNITY. Or perhaps she’s not real good at saying “no” to your face, so she hems and haws as she gives you her number, and proceeds to tell you how “busy” she is, and her work schedule is “up in the air”, and she’s going to a family re-union in 2 weeks, but maybe in 6 weeks her “crazy” life will calm down enough to take your call . . . You try to call her just to say “hi”, you get her voice mail and never hear from her again. DUDE, she’s not playing hard to get, SJNITY.
I actually recently met a guy named Roberto at a meet up, that I was very interested in. He asked to get coffee after the meet up, I said “yes”. He asked if I’d like to see his artwork on his phone, I said “yes” and when he asked for my number, I gave it to him. I thought I was sending him all the right signals that I was interested, he said he wanted to get together for a bike ride, I said yes, I would love to do that. He said he would call me, but all I got was an e-mail 15 days later, sending me a poem he wrote. (he told me he wrote poetry, and he showed me some of his art on his phone) 15 days later I wrote back and said thanks for the beautiful poem. Never heard back from him. So yes, if that was you, I was very interested. Key word “WAS“.
I really doubt that you are the same artist/poet Roberto,* but you two seem to have a name in common, and expecting the girl to chase you in common. A BIG TURN OFF !
*If it turns out that you ARE the same Roberto, I think I’ll just crawl into a hole and never post on this blog again ! But maybe I’ll write a poem about it.
Casey says
I know what you mean however I was on my first date in my 50s and a guy kept on trying to grab my hand. I did not even know him yet and he was really annoyed by this. We had dinner and went for a walk. It may sound stupid but we talked for an hour basically I did not want to hold hand with a strange though we hit it off famously. That being said I must say that we are still together after 16 years not married, we live individually and we are now both in our 60s. We help each other, we are companions to each other but we had been single for a long time. He is taking me overseas for a vacation. He broke his front tooth and foot bike riding and I took care of him. We love each other but he is a super neat engineer and I am an artist creative spontaneous types so living together would not work. We trust each other but still we had sex pretty quickly even though I did not feel comfortable holding his hand on the first date. We were going to marry but I do not think it would work. He is inflexible where I am really flexible. He is a control freak and I don’t like being bossed around. We can talk about many topics. He knows my children and I know his and it all seems to work out okay. Yet we can do our own activities in the day and hang out at night and watch TV and do other activities on the weekends. As people live longer and longer, I think marriage may not make so much sense. It might make more sense for the poorer of the two. I am not wealthy he probably is. I still do not want someone to tell me how to spend my money. I don’t want to buy everything at Costco. Nothing against Costco, I find many things there but I want my independence.
Alexandra says
Nice to know I am not the only person in the world who is in a relationship for a long time and doesn’t want to get married… And for exactly the same reason as you! I do love him and he is wonderful for me, but he is so organized and I am so distracted that se would give each other a hard time, and things are good just as they are… Ù
Petra says
Omggg I haven’t stopped laughing after reading this comment 👠👠love it!
Lois says
that is a fair question Roberto – it isn’t really the topic of this blog , but always nice to think of what the guys might be experiencing. (I don’t have an answer for you)Michelle says
The whole point of mirroring is that it’s not playing “hard-to-get”. When the man initiates anything, he risks rejection, but just see how she responds. If you call or text and she doesn’t respond, she’s not interested. If you ask her out and she declines and doesn’t offer an alternative or have a good reason, she’s probably not interested. Take the risk by taking the initiative, but if she doesn’t reciprocate, then you’ll know to move on.
Allison says
I think it’s a risk, at point she’s probably so confused you may need to make a grand gesture and be quite consistent in securing her trust. Such as being a strong leader. If you can’t do that, let her go. Otherwise you may unintentionally, be playing with her head. Don’t worry about if shes interested. Show her that you are. Women need security. You’re acting like you have none. So get secure if you want to keep her. It is fair, if you want to be the masculine male.
Hanna says
If she’s playing “hard to get” or “isn’t interested” she wouldn’t mirror you. You have to make the first move. Re read the article. If you (he) calls, she calls back. If you text, she texts back. If you make plans for a date, she’ll make plans for the next date, and so on. If she’s not interested or is playing hard to get then she wouldn’t put in any effort at all and you would find yourself making all the calls, texts and plans with no reciprocation.
BK says
I like the idea of ‘Mirroring’; it is an interesting concept and I believe somehow it will work with men. If a girl take the initiative to call me, then there is a higher probability of me calling her back and calling her more; especially if I am fond of her too. I would say it’s the ‘face’ issue as in man want to make sure or confirm that the lady feels the same way about them too before taking action.
Evan is right about, “Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing”, at least it’s true for me. I am generous with words but end of the day, I am an action man that would rather do it than to say it. However, always practise flexibility. There is no one true case in every situation.
hunter says
from one to three months is the “perfect” period in a relationship. Everything is just right. For some of us, there is nothing wrong with 90 day relationships, so, I am told…..
Zann says
Roberto – It’s easy to know if a woman isn’t interested in you. You simply take the initiative to call her, and if she never calls you back, then you know. For sure. As for “playing hard to get,” Evan isn’t suggesting woman “play” at anything. He’s suggested that if the man makes a woman feel assured and secure by taking the initiative to contact her, following up on their good times together, it shows her that you’re genuinely interest in her and, 99% of women are going to be very glad to hear from you and admire you for taking that step. What Evan is trying to discourage women from doing is taking the initiave, over and over again, to keep an otherwise lame relationship alive, when really there would be no relationship if she didn’t make the calls, set up the plans, etc. If the woman stops, the relationship stops, and then the woman feels humiliated by her own behavior and hurt because she wanted to believe there was more to it, etc etc.
And Hunter, you are absolutely right. There IS nothing wrong with 90-day relationships. And think of how many of them you could have over the course of a lifetime! But here’s the thing, most women I know would like to have that kind of information right up front from a man, so by honestly disclosing in your online profile that you’re in it for 3 months, tops, then that’s a clear signal to all those women who also love 90-day relationships that You’re Their Man. Then the women who want something a little more indepth can concentrate on the other men who are also looking for something a little longer, a little deeper. Then everyone’s happy. I know it’s not as fun as turning a woman’s head in that initial “perfect” period, filling her with all that talk about how great she is & how you’re going to have great times in the future, then making your exit when your attention span starts to sputter & your mind to wander, but, well, we all have to make sacrifices. So, Happy Hunting, you 90-day wonder, you!
belle says
So true. I have guy friends that aren’t interested in long term. Some dating apps actually have short term in their looking for field. I always get a feel for men to see if they have a history of short cycle, instant relationships. There’s nothing wrong with that, however, not cool if they give the idea that they have long term relationship goals when they don’t. One reason why it’s important to ask good questions and be gradual in intimacy of it will bother you to have sex early on only to be broken up with.
downtowngal says
Zann, I think Hunter was joking about the 90-day relationship idea. But let’s say he’s not – in theory it sounds good if someone says upfront that they’re only in for 90 days, but let’s be realisitic – most people aren’t that calculating, and if a guy says this there’s a good chance he wouldn’t get to sleep with her instead of leading her to think that he’ll commit for the long term.
WannaGetMatzoBalled says
Oy. That sickening realization that the relationship was limping along only through your valiant efforts. And that horrible feeling as you come to grips with it, and start to examine all the instances you should have read the signs, and the humiliation as you realize just how many there were. That’s exactly the feeling we should hang on to when we start to wonder what is going on in a relationship that is going south. Even if the first few slip by, being aware of the realities of the dating world should put it in perspective quickly enough. But we should also be nice to ourselves, because after all, the fact that we can give someone the benefit of the doubt or see the best in others is a strength, not a weakness. It’s not going to kill us that we overlooked some things before we caught on. I think keeping that in mind can take the sting out, at least a little bit, when these situations occur.
Jennifer says
Incredible post that made I possible to forgive myself for being a chump.
Michelle says
Thank you. That’s what I just told myself too! The trick is not to be so forgiving of others’ flaws that we allow people to take advantage or to see only what we want to see.
downtowngal says
Roberto, I agree with Zann – if a woman complains to you that she’s doing all the work, perhaps you should ask yourself if you are truly interested in being with her or in a relationship at all.
If a woman wants to be in a serious relationship she’s not going to want to waste her time with a guy who’s not taking the initiative – at least she shouldn’t, that’ what this post is about. And we’re not talking about playing games, it’s things like not calling on a regular basis, not introducing her to friends, mixed messages (coming on strong at first then going awol) etc. Too many of us have met guys we like only to be let down because they’re not committing.
In my view this is why there are so many single people compared with our parent’s generation (I’m in my late 30’s). So much of the media points fingers to women who have more opportunities than our moms did, but I don’t see as much about men who for whatever reason are afraid to – or don’t want the responibilities of – being in a committed relationship.
Zann says
Yahooo! Thank you WannaBeMatzoBalled. It’s nice to have that reminder about forgiving ourselves when we feel the sting & humiliation of being “fooled yet again” …..realizing, in retrospect, we were blind to the red flags. (Besides red flags are not always red; in fact, sometimes they’re an endearing shade of pale pink, and, thus, appear harmless, maybe even cute…. at the time.) And you know what they say about hindsight. But I’d rather be a person who gives the benefit of the doubt than be paranoid, constantly suspicious, and bitter. I do wonder, however, whether women are more prone to feel empathy than men are, because sometimes it seems this works against us in the minefield of relationships with men.
Kat says
Zann, your comments are always well thought out and I really enjoy reading them. But I just had to reply to your comment about red flags. Yes they are absolutely sometimes pale pink. I think those are the men who I, inadvertently, find interesting and intriguing…and harmless. But, as I suspect we both have discovered, isn’t always the case. Best of luck!
Erika says
What I always ask myself in situations like this one is, “Is it reasonable for me to expect x, y, or z?” And I consider the kind of behavior that one could expect in a healthy relationship, and I compare my situation to that. I think it’s so easy for us women to justify the bad behavior of men–in fact, “He’s Just Not That Into You” is full of stories of women who justify the bad behavior of men.
But if you ask yourself, “Is it reasonable for me to expect someone who loves me to call me a few times a week? Is it reasonable for me to expect them to return my calls in a timely fashion? Is it reasonable to expect to see him every couple of days?”
Yes! It’s reasonable! It doesn’t mean you’re clingy or dependent. Too often I think we allow this bad behavior because we’re afraid of looking needy.
There’s nothing wrong with having needs. We all have them. And it’s reasonable for us to expect our partners to try to meet them.
Kitty says
It’s almost funny that Ingrid has to ask, but I guess when we want to believe something is other than it is, we become blind to the obvious. It’s easier to see it in others than in ourselves. Right on Ev.
Xtremely miserable says
Hi,
I am in a similar situation except that I have been dating my boyfriend for 11 years. We have been through alot together including 5 years of long distance relationship. 2 years back my boyfriend has the same issue where he just doesn’t return calls or smses when he was studying abroad, i don’t hear from him for weeks and he grew distant. That’s caused our break-up. We got back together 2 months later when he returned to the country. The relationship improved, he calls me regularly without fail, met all my family members, and he was there for me this March when my dad passed away being extremely supportive and even took me on a holiday. My birthday just passed and he planned my birthday celebration with my friends and even mentioned about saving money for wedding funds. But two weeks ago, he started his dissapearing act again. He doesn’t return calls or sms. I emailed him and he will email replies only few days later saying he is busy. I have not seen him for 2 weeks. I rang him and smsed him today he didn’t answer again or return my calls. When i emailed him, he briefly reply he is going away for the weekend for work. When I asked him for details he didn’t reply. Why he is not answering calls but replying emails? This is a public holiday weekend and I am devastated that he didn’t even bother to ring me to tell me he is going away until i emailed him. How can someone’s feelings changed so suddenly? Based on your replies, I know he is not into me anymore and no one can be too busy to not call or answer calls for two weeks. I am devastated especially I have spend 11 years with him, am dying a slow death feeling. Help!!
N says
I’ve been with mine for 7 years and he’s doing the similar things.
Bottom line they are selfish. they changed and your feelings no longer matter. Sad to say. I’ve been in denial for a while. I know I’m gonna have to let go despite everything. Gotta love yourself first.
llg says
Oh, X, I really feel for you, and N too. I too got left only 4 months ago from a 7 year partnership. I left my ex. for him, believing he was the ONE. We were happy for a while, esp. because I was helping him through a lot of drama. It seems once that ended and his life straightened out he didn’t need me anymore. Looking back there were so many signs of “are you an idiot, leave, don’t get treated like this, duh” but I hung in there, for my kids and my sense of commitment, “I was going to make this work”. Reading these posts really helps. I can’t believe I have let myself get to this place, can’t believe I could fall for a liar. Its taking a long time for my heart to remember that I deserve The Best, no matter how much time I already lost, or how long it may take. We need to be authentic to ourselves, girls. And pray that will put us in the right place to meet the right guy if that is what Life wants for us. Can you look in the mirror and love you? Thats our job first. I still have a ways to go, but I am getting there. Thanks, girls and be good to yourselves. llg
Christine says
Wow that’s so sad. Myself too five years with the same guy and as of yesterday I’ve washed my hands on him entirely. I have finally come to the conclusion he will never ever change I’m not wasting one more minute. Yes he’s a great guy and such but life is ticking me by and enough is enough. Upward and onward is now my motto
Michelle says
“Onward and Upward!” was also my motto during a hard time. I even used it as my login password at work. Typing it so many times each day really did help!
downtowngal says
xtremely, it sounds like your bf is getting cold feet and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. After 11 years if he can’t return a phone call then imagine what it would be like if you were married to him. He won’t change, the only thing you can do is cut your losses, as painful as it seems now.
JV says
Dear xtremely, I do agree with downtowngal on her comment. I’m not sure what your bf does for work but having to work over the public holiday weekend, and not telling you as well in advance…sounds like alarm bells ringing to me. You deserve much better waiting on him this long.
I just want to copy as well what Evant wrote earlier…. “if you feel you have to remind him that you’re alive and interested — let him go. He doesn’t deserve you.” Best of luck.
HopelessRomantic says
I agree with all of you and thanks for posting all your thoughts here.
It helped me at this point with my situation.
Illinoisgirl says
Hi Xtremely,
My heart goes out to you. I agree that it sounds like your bf has a bad case of cold feet. After 11 years of dating, he probably feels a little pressured and realizes the only logical next step in marriage, but he is not going there for his own reasons.
Frankly I am surprized you have hung in there this long! I should talk, I was in one relationship for seven years. The jerk ended up walking out on me two weeks after my mother died and marrying someone else a year later.
There should be an expiration date on dating, like sour milk. If BF doesn’t ask you to marry after a year, you toss the relationship!
N says
I agree with you @Illinoisgirl I’ve been with mine
for Seven years and I know I’m gonna have to go. He won’t
go beyond the engagement ring. That engagement has went
on long enough. He has cold feet. He doesn’t communicate any more.
I hate the fact that all my time has been wasted for nothing.
Anonymous says
Hi N
I broke off a 5 year relationship and was also engaged. I had similar issues and certain different issues but looking back now even though i did love him very much and he was a good person we werent right for each other and it was the best decision to end it. I now have the most amazing relationship which wouldn’t have happened if I didnt let go to something that wasn’t working
Julz says
When I waited for the man to call me he said that it was rude to expect the man to call first. I waited a week and he said “Hi, so you do remember me? and “I thought you found someone else”. He was the one to stop the relationship! What do you do then? What if you wait and he is expecting you to call?
Selena says
“It’s rude to expect the man to call first”? Where did he get that from? I don’t know what to tell you Julz, I’ve never met anyone who thought that way.
Julz says
He really is different. Isn’t he? I think he expected me to call him first but I didn’t. I never met his friends or family but he called me recently from a mates house. They are asking him about me while we are on the phone together. I asked him what his friends were going to say about me and he said he’ll tell them to mind their own business. I don’t think so! Why did he call me when he was with them? Was it to boost his ego?
BK says
Hi Xtremely, on a positive note, he might be really busy or something really cropped up and he does not know how to tell you. He might be preparing something since he planned with your friends for your birthday and talked about wedding fund.
On the negative note, as what downtowngal said, “cut losses.”
verbosity says
I read Ingrid’s letter and thought there was no ‘relationship’ to start. Since ‘relationship’ means different things to different people, I define a relationship as beginning when BOTH parties agree they are to see each other exclusively, not simply when you first date someone several times before agreeing to a relationship.
Analytically, according to Ingrid, the relationship can be broken into 2 six week segments. After a six weeks, he bailed, stating by action what perhaps he could/should have said by word.
While Ingrid’s story omits many hard facts, this situation looks like one where Ingrid and boyfriend, met and dated for several (6) weeks. I suspect, but cannot prove, that Ingrid felt they were ‘together’ exclusively during this time. However, the pattern of behavior described by Ingrid (keeping in mind this is only Ingrid’s version) doesn’t paint a picture of a guy enthralled with a new girlfriend.
I suspect that boyfriend did not view the ‘relationship’ as exclusive or with nearly the same importance as did Ingrid. Based upon the time frames and his behavior I suspect boyfriend simply viewed this as a potential exclusive relationship for the first six weeks. It appears that, based upon Ingrid’s story, he decided not to pursue the relationship any further.
Whether his manner of parting ways (make no mistake, not calling backs and turning off his phone is definitely communication) is the best, that is another topic. I offer that Ingrid should have bailed after the 1st unreturned call.
BTW, what I’ve said above applies to both genders equally.
After this six week evaluation period, he basically bailed.
BK says
I agree with verbosity to a large extent. In relationship, whether it is between family members, between friends or between partners, a different point of view or perspective in a subject can cause argument. Maybe one party could view it as in a relationship while the other party feel it as trying out to see if things work out.
I read a story once about a boy and his father. The boy was planting an acorn seed with his father and after he planted the seed, he watered the seed. On seeing the worried look on his son’s face, the father told the son not to worry as by summer, the acorn seedling would have grown to his knee length height. The boy turned his face and asked his father, “Your knee or my knee?”
Selena says
I wonder-since we know infatuation can blind us to red flags, or cause us to ignore them–might it also not persuade us there is ‘more’ of a relationship than there actually is? When someone backs off after a month or so we wonder what happened? How did we misread their interest? Could it be that some of the ‘signs’ we interpret as a growing relationship are often the exaggeration of our own attraction? The other person isn’t feeling it the same way, but we just can’t see that?
hunter says
to Zann,
…according to research and studies, we don’t see the red flags for the first ninety days….due to infatuation, chemistry, etc…
lydisy says
For survival purposes of the species, all people have flaws… Blinded by love then we wake up and say ” how could i think that” Sometimes…
Paanchajanyadha says
How long have you been blogging…your good at it.
SomeOldBloke says
I am sorry to break this down, but mebbe it’ll help. This is probably cold-blooded insight into the male mind. Please don’t get angry; I will only be explaining what happens. I would also like for it to be another different way but this is what it is…
Many guys I know view most women as targets, not relationship possibilities. They do not want to commit because it is not fun. It doesn’t give them that smile when they get home. They have seen Dad go gray and they’ve heard his youth stories, noticing his eyes sparkle again then go gray again when he comes to the marriage part.
The great majority would rather have varied simultaneous, quick, intense, physical affairs than going the long route. There are many reasons for this. We all belive we are perfect and deserve only the best. While the latter might be correct, the former is seldom true for ourselves, much less to an external discerning mind. Remember that there is only one “The ONE”, so what is the poor chap to do meanwhile? No, most won’t quietly sit down at home while “the one” strolls by their driveway.
There is a hard saying that applies in this case; “Enjoy the incorrect one while you wait for the correct one”.
I haven’t even gotten into the “Men just wanna have bed fun” concept, but belive me it is true in most cases. Some even view it as a sport and keep detailed records -pictures, souvenirs- of “prizes” they’ve won over. Obviously, the moment they have it, the moment the want to pull their little ninja bombs and smoke out of the equation, lest they lose another fresh conqest. This makes them feel alive, smart, cunning. Boosts their egos (we could delve deep into this…) and keeps them occupied. It’s not that they’re evil or anything, it’s just the way many of them are. They don’t consciously mean to hurt you, but at the same time a case can be made women are temporary toys for them. And remember that men LOVE toys, no matter how old they get to be.
This has a rather devastating side-effect: Men break hearts. Men do not think it is neccesary to marry you if they like you. “Like” might be your legs and not your heart, by the way. Most will avoid marriage like the plague, specially if the feel their counterpart is needy or emotionally demanding. Many have discovered that “honeymoon period” and keep jumping from relationship to relationship to always live that strong, perfect romance. They are not looking for Claire or Anne; You could very well be Marie and it won’t matter if it’s new and perfect. The moment the woman starts needing them in a way they can’t or won’t fulfill (remember, it’s fun over everything else) they start going “non-commital”.
Men know about this. Many are ashamed and would like for things to be better for both parts. Some eventually marry. But an ever-larger number avoids women as life partners for many reasons, be it masculine immaturity, our pleasure-oriented culture as well as some aspects of the female psyche that admittedly can make life challenging indeed.
We must come to grips with the fact that men who are willing to commit are scarce, have their -valid or not- reasons for doing so and most will be playing. If you find one that’s really into you for life, analyze if you really want him and if you are OK on him give it all you’ve got. If you like him, but you feel he won’t walk faster, enjoy the ride if you want, DO NOT get in love and always keep walking. Remain inattached. Nothing’s for granted in this life. I apologize If I was rude and I hope this clears some doubts.
Best of lucks.
M says
to someoldbloke, yeah you guys say all this thinking that you will be young and handsome all your lives. We’ll, get a clue idiot! Most guys are delusional and think when they want to settle down and get married , the girl of their dreams will just poof into existence. Well that is not reality. I can’t tell you how many men I know that are past the age of 40, their balding, overweight and not as good looking as they were in their younger years and they can’t find a girl to save their life. Who’s fault is that ? Theirs. When they were young they thought they were all that, they could get any girl they wanted so why settle down? We’ll, now the young girls don’t want them and treat them badly. That’s what they get for thinking they can screw around and God will not make them pay for all their sinning. I don’t pity those old guys, they should having been trying to find a girl and get married in their 20’s when they had hair!!!!
Lynkee says
This is very true! Great words there! I’m disgusted by these old male idiots!
Sarah says
Well a man treated me with such disrespect probably because he wanted a younger one and he is fat and has white hair… I loved this man very much but honestly he didn’t know what he had.. till poof I was outta there.. I don’t get the mans holier then thou attitude, i’m sure there are good ones out there somewhere.. where though.. no idea.
daniela says
thanks, I get it!
yyy says
i hate these men are not willing to commit to you threads. mostly because it assumes that women want to commit to everyone they date.
i am a woman. i have not wanted to commit to everyone i’ve dated. the assumption by most men that i do is offensive to me. Sometimes i’ll be on a first date with a guy and he’ll immediately warn me that he’s not into a serious relationship. This is offensive to me. Why? Who said that i want a long term relationship with you? You’re on trial buddy. And you just failed anyway.
Frankly, warning women you don’t want them permanently is just a turn off. It just makes you look like you have a big ego.
Now, maybe men and women are different. Maybe men know ” right away” or something. I’m not sure. But I do know for sure I don’t know right away if someone is for me. Therefore, having some d*ckface tell me he’s not all that serious when i barely know him is kind of offensive. It means he not only considers me a sports fish, but also he must think I’m an idiot. He also must have a very high opinion of himself, thinking I want to bag him for life. Who the hell does he think he is? Antonio Banderas?
When I find a sucker like him I either avoid it completely or, if he’s attractive enough, just have a good time. Because a lot of guys will come up with non committal bullshit and think they’re real game players, but guys are human too and they don’t have as much control as they think they do. Acting like a prick at first meeting is just asking to get screwed with.
bkath says
Love it! Exactly right
Helen says
A story, to which yyy’s post is a great jumpoff:
2 years ago a male colleague invited me to sit beside him at a conference dinner. He knew I’m happily married with kids. Yet after a few drinks, he had the audacity to tell me, “Helen, I think you’re beautiful, but I’m just not interested in starting a relationship with you.” I was so flabbergasted, I could only sit there with my mouth open. The thought of starting a relationship, ANY relationship, least of all with HIM, was the last thing on my mind.
To make matters worse, he was judging every other guy at the meeting. He was particularly harsh about a thin, nerdy, sweet guy, insinuating that there was no way this guy could satisfy any woman. I wanted to tell him (but didn’t), “If I were single, I’d rather be with him than with you. Yes he’s nerdy and not at all handsome, but he’s kind, gentlemanly, thoughtful, and a great scientist.”
The point is, yyy, you’re not alone, so don’t take these guys personally. It’s not about you. It’s about a few guys who are full of it; you won’t escape them even after you’re married. It’s also about the fact that men aren’t very good at predicting what women want in them. They think we like certain types and rule out other types, and sometimes they have it completely backwards.
Isa says
Right on point. When I read this blog entry I had to laugh aloud at Evan’s creative way of telling it like it is. I appreciate this blog…albeit rough at times I feel that I have some sense smacked into me by a big brother.
Thanks Bro! I have definitely been “that girl” before but thankfully, I can look back and laugh now.
m says
I wanted to tell him (but didn’t), “If I were single, I’d rather be with him than with you. Yes he’s nerdy and not at all handsome, but he’s kind, gentlemanly, thoughtful, and a great scientist.”
@Helen – I wish you had told him that, and I’m not sure why you didn’t.
I think sometimes we ladies have to take some of the blame for men thinking they’re just perfect, when we don’t take the initiative to inform them unambiguously (and notice I did not say impolitely) when their behavior falls far short of that standard.
I don’t see how the passiveness serves anyone.
Mike says
A relationship cannot work, and cannot move forward unless both partners want it. One person cannot make the relationship work all by themselves. It could be that the guys a bit slow in working out his feelings for you, he might have seen too many breakups and not want to lose what he has with you, or he could be a complete waste of space. If he is unwilling to put anything into the relationship and treat you with the love and respect that you deserve then where’s the point? Why would you want to share your life with someone who doesn’t care about you, or who is only after one thing?
V says
Geez Ingrid, move on! Have some self respect and find someone else with manners, and who is actually into to you. If the guy was a porker to start with, then he wasn’t really thinking he could do any better. Now, this is not saying you are a hose beast or anything like that, it’s just trying to highlight his crappy way of thinking. Now he’s lost weight, he thinks he’s worthy enough to play the field, that there will always be something better just around the corner.
This is a guy with little consideration for anyone but himself, so he should be dumped as soon as possible. There’s no need to contaminate your self esteem with a butt hole like this.
Move on, you deserve better!
NonExist says
@yyy 31,
I thinksome of those guys are less pricks more than just putting all the cards on the table. Some men feel that they do not want to get married or have committment with anyone at this point in their lives. And it has less to do with the quality of woman than the situation SomOldBloke covered about “honeymoon periods” and fun.
Yes some of these proclaimed bachelors may just happen to fall in love with someone and want more. But for the near future they know it and just want to be direct instead of vague. Basically it is a warning that even if you two do have some chemistry more than likely he will not be staying around for the long haul.
In a general sense though EMK gave great advice.
Feral Cherry says
How about it the man is doing all the right actions, calling, texting, and arranging nice dates but then says he doesn’t want a relationship yet but does want to settle down eventually. He says his divorce hurt him badly. I said I liked the pace that we were going at with our nice dates. Does he now have guilt free sex, as he has told me the score but still taking me out? I’m confused. And scared. Also I don’t want to get in deeper and get hurt. It’s only been a month so it;s early days yet but I just don’t want to invest anymore time on him if he is not interested in a commitment further down the line
Dagaz says
ummm… ok, mirroring is certainly a good idea for women during 1, 3 or 6 month of relationship, i.e. no initiating anything.
but how about 2+ years of relationship?.. should i still tie my hands and zip my lips so i won’t reach phone or ask for weekend plans?.. it makes me confused, frankly speaking: to be at man’s mercy regarding when i will hear from him or when i will see him.
after all, i would feel caged.
franko says says
i am a STRAIGHT MAN that just had to make a serious comment here. it is most of the women today that do not want a COMMITMENT. many of the women like going out with so many different men at one time, instead of just being COMMITTED to just ONLY ONE. why in the world is that? i can without a doubt would love VERY MUCH to just COMMIT to just only ONE WOMAN, to make me happy. the VERY HARD PART is finding a GOOD WOMAN TODAY.
Petra says
Ohhh I have the same idea like you.. Hard to find so I’ve given up ðŸ‘
blueberrie says
I lol at Julz comment re the guy who thought it was rude for the woman not to call him lmao!! omg I had one of those guys, he almost leapt across the table at me to tell me off for not persuing him more!! that he likes a woman who goes after what she wants! I was deer in headlights! I wasn’t expecting that!!
I just went through this whole thing with a guy who totally persued me, said all the right stuff, non stop contact, really had me going that things were going to go somewhere but so stupidly I kinda asked the question about being exclusive and he tells me that really he just wants to be friends (friends!!!) and that he’s not committing here and so i said so u don’t mind if I go out with other guys??? longggg pause and he said well I guess I can’t say you can’t do that if I’m not committing… so I’m thinking ummmm so what was all the last few weeks of crazy persuing me been???? I just left it alone… didn’t say anything after that.
I thought man u are a doorknob and a waste of time!
I like the one analysis in here about men and their toys… holy is that EVER accurate! That’s EXACTLY what it is!! we are their little toys, and the only time they really committ is after quite a long time if you try to take the toy away! but some just don’t mind looking for new toys. wow! basically you better make yourself damn fun to play with!! sigh.
As for mirroring a guy’s behaviour… ok here’s a scenerio for you… say he calls you and sets up a date every week or something, he does the date thing, some emails or texts in between but always wants to get down and dirty as well… do you mirror the down and dirty part? I don’t think so… that’s just giving him what he wants… without the committment… maybe you want it too and in that case go right ahead but not sure I totally agree with the mirroring thing.
And I’ve got to tell you A LOT of men do NOT know how to lead! seriously! it’s very bad! the one’s who know how to lead are the players, in my opinion. the one’s who don’t know how sort of want you to decide everything (yuck!)…. so sometimes the woman HAS to lead! or get stuck with a player, or never go out…. I had one guy who texted me for MONTHS talking about going out but always had this busy schedule that he didn’t seem to know how to handle… turn off! told him I didn’t think he had time to date and he said yes I do!!! and suddenly made one night a week available… but didn’t ask me out! I’m like seriously do i need to ask myself out? omg!
Ala says
I just want to share something with you men! If you are online you need to contact a girl first.. Do not waste time saying you are interested unless you give her a reason to respond back to you. Read what she says online. Send her a note with something you read in her profile that sparks your interest. Tell her why. Ask her about what she writes about. Show her. Take the lead. She will appreciate this and will feel more inclined to write you back.
starthrower68 says
I still maintain that if a guy is really interested and he really wants to be with you, he will make sure you know it and he will lead. If not, I don’t chase.
hespeler says
With respect to leading; if a guy has sufficient interest in you he will unequivocally lead. If his leading is wishy washy at times it’s either because he’s not sure how he feels about you or HJNTIY and is keeping you around until he can find another option.
If I were a woman and I was into a guy I would give him some leeway in the very beginning as you still don’t know him and what his other commitments may be. But after maybe 2 months if he really seems bent on keeping the status quo then you have to ask yourself whether or not he’s really into you.
These situations come up a lot because often men go with what’s available at the time, even if the first date didn’t produce magic sparks. We give it a chance to see if we can get into the girl. Unfortunately, more often than not, we can’t. I know it sounds very cruel I’m just trying to be real. I think for most men we don’t do it to play or waste anyone’s time. We genuinely want to find a big enough spark and have the best intentions but we weren’t that thrilled in the first place.
I’m sure women do this too depending on how many options they have at any given time.
StartingOverAgain says
it really takes two people to make a relationship work today. and if one doesn’t want that commitment, then it is very hard on the person that really wanted it. finding the right person has become as difficult as winning the lottery today, since the times today are so much different than years ago which was much easier. many family and friends would introduce you to the person that you really wanted to meet, and meeting each other today on your own is certainly much more difficult now.
12 yrs on off 58 says
Startingoveragain..I don’t know if it was easier in the “good old days’ or not. Sometimes people had one choice of the person they loved, he got someone pregant, had to marry her then the girl was too old OMG 25 and then married the “family friend” but was not really into him. Maybe she didn’t work, he didn’t want her to and she was bored and didn’t really like being his wife in this closed world. There is no perfect time in history. With options you can take the wrong path and meet the wrong guy and say oh why oh why isn’t like in the movies? Then you haard about women saying that they were stuck in a place with no choices. Most of us are stuck with whatever circumstances we are in at that time like wars or famine or prosperity or whatever and that’s the way ti goes. Some uf are beautiful and intellgent or not, that’s the way it goes. I like Evan’s mirroring, it’s a hard thing to do sometimes I agree but looking back whe I was too shy to call, I actualy had the guys fighting over me although it’s easier when it’s not so contrived, I can see where this calling can make a guy crazy too. On the other hand, as we get older, we have fewer people around our “circle” as people move, kids grow up, parents and friends have passed away, people have issues so we don’t see them whether it be drugs or alcohol, food or OCD we may just have a small circle and the male female relatioshiip becomes more important or more central so it harder to not want to control it. Anyuway, my point is don’t idealize the past, people always figure out away to have problems! We ar never satisfied or few of us are.
Emma says
Damn it! Such a simple message. Why is it so hard for us to accept it? Even just sitting here, reading this, I completely agreed with everything you’ve said Evan, but it’s almost as if I don’t WANT to believe it.
My boyfriend is getting pissed off at me texting him all the time and says I’m doing it for attention and it’s excessive. I beg to differ and say I’m just keeping up communication, being friendly, making conversation, yada yada…when really, if I’m being brutally honest with myself?
I’m checking to see that he’s still there and still interested. NOT healthy!
I should leave it and see if he contacts me. Which he always does, EVENTUALLY, it just takes him a lot longer than it takes me. Then again I text everyone all day…I text my friends pretty much as much as I text him. I don’t think he generally sends out texts unless it’s important.
I guess I’m scared that if he doesn’t bother with me…then that shows me he’s not that into me and that’s REALLY scary because that means that I should probably leave him. Inconveniently, I love this man more than anything and we’ve broken up before, 6 months ago and I missed him so much. I even got a new boyfriend but it didn’t feel right and I was still dreaming about him and talking to him all the time.
Anyway I’m getting off track. I know people will say ‘if he really doesn’t care then you’re better off without him’ and I suppose that’s true but for me, right now, it’s not an option I even want to consider. He’s an amazing boyfriend when we’re together he’s just lazy with the communication otherwise and LOVE LOVE LOVES his space.
michelle says
Emma, great job in looking inward to see what your actions are really ‘saying’.
This the thing, there are some things that are universal for men and universal for women (and any perceived or actual exception does not disprove the universals):
-Men are not great communicators, PERIOD.
-Men LOVE their space and ‘freedom’
-Men move at a slower pace than women do, so we need lots of patience (maybe this is to prepare us to be mothers because mothers need a lot of patience too 🙂
If you can absorb these, accept them, and chuckle about them when they irritate you, you will be much better off. Why get mad at someone for something they can’t control. If he’s proactive contacting you, including you in his life, moving things forward and doing his best to make you happy with his actions, then that is a GREAT guy, a keeper (and of course, you’re crazy about him).
Finally, Men are NOT, NOT, NOT women just with more hair, hahahaha.
Emma says
Hey Michelle,
Thank you for your great comments!
You’re totally right. I’m not going to say that these things apply to ALL men, especially since I’ve been with some of the ‘stage 5 clingers’ myself, but my man is a ‘stereotypical man’ in every single way. He is tall and quite hairy and very driven by testosterone! He is not soppy, he’s useless at communicating his feelings (especially over the phone) and he views our time apart completely different from the way I do. As for freedom, if I complain about his plans to go somewhere or do something, we’ll argue for a little while and then let it go and I’ll forget about it- but he seems to remember every time I’ve made a fuss about this kind of thing and recently exploded about it! He feels anxious about telling me his plans/invitations he’s received and is always annoyed about my reaction when he does. He definitely comes across as a man that loves the complete freedom of a single life, but is most happy when he’s in a monogamous relationship. I am trying to give him as much space and freedom as he needs right now. If either of us are unhappy after that, I will try to be okay with letting him go.
michelle says
It’s about communication, and HOW to communicate, that really makes all the difference. As I understand it, complaining to man about what he’s doing makes him feel like he’s not making us happy, and in this context, his SENSE of freedom is being taken away. A better approach is to focus on the way we feel, “I feel X when you Y, how can resolve that”. I would also say to look really hard at what it is you’re not happy about. That doesn’t mean he gets to lead a life where he doesn’t have the responsibility of a relationship, but I get the feeling he’s not that way. It sounds to me like he’s upset because he wants to be honest , but he knows you get upset, so he’s caught between a rock and a hard place.
I think you have a good strategy, use this time to learn more about yourself, you can never go wrong there! It will either show you how to better to navigate this relationship or to move on with no regrets.
marymary says
Men are perfectly capable of communicating.
If he’s not keen to see you, calling you, taking your calls, returning your calls, making plans for the future (even if it’s just the holidays), helping you out, being consistently kind and respectful he is telling you he is not good boyfriend or husband material. The actual words do not have to come out of his mouth for him to be communicating “I do not want a committed relationship with you.”
My boyfriend does communicate very well, incuding, gasp with words. I never feel that I’m encroaching on him and, if anything, he moved a little bit faster emotionally than me as I am more reserved than him. Sure, not all men are like this. I dated more than my fair share who weren’t. I learned that the time spent trying to turn around the half-hearted/incapable would be better spent looking for a better man. Or rearranging your CD collection.
Getting Him To Commit says
There are reasons why a man would not want to commit. some of them are controllable and the situation can be changed. However, no matter what a woman does to get her man to commit, it may not work for some guys. Example of these are guys that either don’t know what love means, or they are just not ready for a serious relationship. They are often called cheaters and players. In my opinion, I think the best thing a woman can do if she finds herself with this kind of guy is to give up and look for the next available man.
Madam X says
I started this mirroring technique and it works like a charm. I don’t like to complicate things, I don’t like the grey area of not knowing what we are and where I stand.
Right now I’ve been dating a man for almost 90 days and he just told me he’s not looking for a relationship and he’s not looking for commitment. While I’m still trying to figure out if I want him as a boyfriend or not, whether I want to commit or not, I’m also concerned and freaked out by the idea of an open relationship where he might be sleeping around. That’s a major red flag for me because that poses a serious health-risk and the thought of exchanging bodily fluids w a total stranger is just plain gross. I would like for me and the guy I’m dating to have an exclusivity in terms of being intimate. And I would like for him to be upfront if there’s another person he is sleeping with because doing so gives me the upper hand to decide if I want to stay and be agreeable to such an arrangement. What gets me really mad is when a man doesn’t even consider my participation (or being meniable) to this sort of thing. I can date around, sure. But I don’t and can’t do the multiple sex partners thing.
I prefer blunt honesty from a man at the onset instead of putting his best foot forward and deluding me into believing that he wants a relationship when all he wants, really, is a fuck buddy. If you’re old enough to date, you’re old enough to be honest and upfront. After all life is short to waste people’s time and be misleading.
Terese says
I agree with Evan’s comments. I too was dating a guy for the past 3 months. He pursued me. It was intense in the beginning. But recently I got comments from him about not wanting a comiitted relationship, etc. Then he started making dates and cancelling last minute, stringing me along for the past few weeks. I asked if he still wanted to date and he said yes. But his actions said otherwise. Luckily, I finally came to my senses last night and ended things with him. Then today I read Evan’s comments and all the responses. I have to say, I feel so much better, and wiser. Actions are everything. Women (and men too if it applies to you), if he doesn’t act like he is in a committed relationship with you, but you think you are, you need to take the steps to break it off. You will feel much better about yourself once you do. Treat yourself the way you treat the people you most love and cherish in your life. Then you will have the emotional strength to do what is best for you. And for good measure/karma, wish him well in your heart when you move on. Just move on.
Rachel says
I agree with all these comments I would like some opinions.I’ve been with this person for 13 years,I’m used to being able to depend on myself but now I’m working part time for money to spend on me.We have a 9year old son,no were not married (I wanted to get married) he never did.He doesn’t take me anywhere he doesn’t spend time with me he doesn’t feel we need to communicate he feels all he needs to do is pay rent and utilities WOW I’m stopping now I just answered my own questions
tee c says
Evan, I love your blogs! Your answers/advice are always right on. They always help me.
This one especially. And you are so sweet. I need to move on I am the girl above. Why are so many of us women so hopeful of men that treat us this way and why can’t these men appreciate us women that are so loyal, dedicated and in love with them?
deb says
We all know the right thing to do in situations like this but it’s the Love and Hope that makes us hang on and keep trying! Ive got a situation. ..Been with this guy for a year and a half, he still says we are not in a relationship! He stays with me every weekend we go places n hang out with friends together, I introduce him as “My Man” he calls me his old lady . We have so so much fun together it feels like the Best Relationship ever, but he refuses to call it anything! Is this his way of having a way out or if another opportunity arrose he wouldn’t feel guilty to take it? He swears I am the only One, and I believe him, but it hurts my heart when he says we r not in a relationship. I Love him so much i can’t bring myself to walk away because I have hope he will come around~ ur probably asking how much of my life will I waste to find out? I don’t know but I keep telling myself Be Happy Today, Live for today and Im happy as heck with him in my life even if it means not calling us a relationship. Some days it bothers me more than others today is One of them, im reading all comments with tears in my eyes. I just don’t know what I should do.
Rose says
I’ve been seeing a guy for a month. I asked him upfront if he’s ever been in love. He said he didn’t know. He said he can’t imagine caring so much for someone and then they leave him, that it is easier to just go along and not put that much into the relationship. I think that life is about having experiences, and deeply falling in love is one of them, because it feels so good and makes life richer. I told him he would know it if he fell in love, and that I am more open than most people. He said that night he feels like he can open up to me… And he stared into my eyes and smiled while there was just silence between us. I totally gushed and looked away, almost afraid of what I just created. He is beautiful but afraid of long term commitment. Tonight he told me he isn’t looking for a serious girlfriend at the moment, no serious relationship. I expressed that I wanted one, but then emphasized that I really just want a man to be there for me. He knows I am recently divorced too. I think sometimes its good to just roll with it, keep your self respect, let your emotions pass, and love anyway.
Mary says
All I’m gonna say is he’s with someone else.. Been there sounds exactly the same.. My opinion is you should move on because even if you don’t text or call back he might just to keep you around and than it will keep happening so you might as well move on to someone who will give you their time. Good luck
Claudia says
Until a man fully commits and you know it in your gut…date other men too! Just keep your mouth shut. YOU be busy, not calling, not texting and respond only if he contacts you. How many of us (a lot) have made the mistake of putting all our eggs in one lame basket only to keep feeling worse and worse about ourselves. Hey, me too! Being single and dating isn’t the worst thing in the world. Thinking the wrong man is right is way worse.
Tjo says
If a guy doesn’t commit, or tells me he doesn’t want to commit, that means no sex for him. Also, until a commitment is agreed upon by both people in the relationship, then each person is free to date other people and explore their other options. If it’s right, then both people will feel it and discuss it together. If not, one or both will move on.
Julie Farrell says
Wow… well I guess if you need to know that badly you can do the ‘mirroring’ thing. However, I think it is already obvious… and it seems like any more time wasted on this one is showing how little self-respect you have.
Zann says
SomeOldBloke — Not rude at all, just very straightforward and honest. . . especially the part about “fun.” I used to think this restless, thrill-driven, conquest mentality was just a sign of immaturity due to youth…something men would eventually tire or “grow out” of; and that’s probably true for many men. But sadly, I know men who were players from Day 1, as far back as high school, and who are now in their late 50’s, 60’s, still “proud”that they never settled, and still telling themselves — despite the reality of their lives — that they’re still desirable to much younger women. It will never cease to amaze me. Thanks for your post.
Casey says
Zann don’t you find that they have to have money or something cool going on with them for young women to date them? I know one younger woman who finds a man charming because he USED to be a rock critic for a magazine…something cool and they can’t be short and fat and bald unless they are rich enough of course. That does not hold true for most women (or men) there are gold-diggers of both sexes Notice how men on Match like wealthy women also? It works both ways these days.
Misty Solomon says
Wow! This is the best advice ive came across yet. Thanks !
tendy says
i am also in the same situation and its now a year
,i will have to do the mirroring thing
Mr A. Teo. says
I’m a chinese man from Singapore, who had spent around 5 years studying & living in London. I just wish to high-light a few important and factual points about people and our precious life. Firstly, we ought to know n accept there’s not a single human being on earth who is 100% perfect. So, if i have a friend or a spouse who is perfect up to 8O%, I will be very delightened & contented. Secondly, we’re all alive n living here only temporarily because our spirit will have to return permanently to where we came from. So, do not be too pre-occupied and over concerned on what we should eat, what clothings we need to wear and the type of dwelling we seek to live under. Pray n communicate with your Creator daily for revelation and follow obediently the path He wisely set for you.
True love says
We’ll thanks for the advice it is very helpful n the steps I need to take. I have know this guy since hight school I was n 9th and he was in the 11th played football he was in the n crowd. I was a shy track star that stayed to myself. As years pass I ran back in to him he when I came to visit my family. At that time I had 1 child. Remind you still shy as I was sitting in his apartment he was very sweet and respectful,but with my shy self told him I had to go and I did. I liked him then, but I lost his number so I can keep in contact with him. It didn’t made any sence to me to start something I couldn
Grace says
Hi Evan,
I am not sure how many times you have published this article. It was my first time reading this to it’s entirety. All I can truly say with deepest sincerity is thank you for this and what you do.
I’m glad I subscribe to your newsletters.
whosays says
What’s so ironic here is that people make fun of the High Maintenance Woman for being shallow.
Yet there is not a single High Maintenance Woman who needed to be taught the concept of Mirroring. I wouldn’t dream of calling a man and making plans. If he’s lost interest and can’t be bothered to make plans or call me, then the last thing he is is worth my time. Keep your self-respect, ladies!
In the proverbial words of Beyonce,
“I can have another You in a minute. Matter of fact, He’ll be here in a minute.”
tamara says
Uh, well I’m a low-maintenance woman and I also didn’t need to be taught mirroring. U don’t need to be high-maintenance/shallow to have self-respect :p
tamara says
@Helen #32:
“He was particularly harsh about a thin, nerdy, sweet guy, insinuating that there was no way this guy could satisfy any woman…kind, gentlemanly, thoughtful, and a great scientist.”
” They think we like certain types and rule out other types, and sometimes they have it completely backwards.”
That is so true. I’m surprised so many guys think women only like beefy square-jawed alpha types. That thin nerdy sweet gentlemanly scientist sounds like an AMAZING catch to me, way sexier than a very muscular ‘hunky’ swaggering player-type…I think it’s partly cos when I was a teen, the male stars in some drama serials I watched were the “Sensitive New Age Guy” type. The guys I grew up with were also total sweethearts. <3
And interestingly, quite a few studies have shown women prefer FEMININE looking men, especially for long-term rships. I generally do, I was more attracted to Jude Law types than to Arnold Swarzinager types. I read that it was hypothesized that perhaps these softer featured men were associated with positive ‘feminine’ traits like loyalty and kindness…I brought this up cos I’ve realised many guys think the hypermasculine square-jawed guys are desired by all women. (I’m not saying square jaws are ugly–look at Brad Pitt–but not all women think those men are the hunkiest)
http://www.theguardian.com/science/2007/aug/08/genderissues
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1380265/Men-feminine-faces-likely-hit-women.html
laura says
I like the mirroring him advice . This is something that I do .when I stop calling him ,then he started calling me this was in the beginning.he works a lot so I don’t see hum much I complain,he says we are not in a relationship I was speechless
JennLee says
This is where I agree with Rory’s circular dating advice. When you start dating a guy, make it verbally known to him that until there is a verbal agreement of exclusivity, there is no exclusivity. Combine that with Evan’s advice to not have sex without exclusivity and you won’t have to suffer a humiliating shock like that.
j says
I hate reading dating advice online but I find your articles non bias and most of the time, painfully true.
Thanks for being the reality check in my head (ok I dont always follow you advice but it serves as a good reminder of how I should act sometimes)
Lisa says
I agree Evan the man is sending her all the signals he’s not interested in a relationship. But why can’t men just be upfront about their intentions? Yes I just want sex, no I’m not looking to be exclusive or I’m just not into you? I am very upfront about my intentions one way or the other I mean who wants to waste time? And I’m certain this is why I’m single.
JennLee says
We women are even less upfront about our intentions, and this has been proven in scientific research. It has to do with biology and the different strategies man and women are biologically programmed to use, in order to successfully get our genes into the next generation.
A man’s best strategy is to have as many sexual partners as possible, though society frowns on this. This is the shotgun method and makes sense when populating the world is the goal. For women, the best strategy is to be a sniper. This is why we are in fact, far pickier about everything than most men are. Our goal is to find the best man we can, and keep him around to help raise the children. The problem is that it is like rolling dice. Rarely do the dice all come up as sixes. It is like with each roll, that is a man. We want all 6s but that is nonexistent. If a man has many great qualities, he is usually narcissistic. And or, let’s face it, if we see all those qualities, so do other women, and when we see somebody like that, we are much more up front about our intentions. We try to keep the guys at the lower end of the ladder guessing. We try to keep them on a line while we pursue the guys we think are the best, and if that doesn’t man out, we move down the ladder, until we find a match.
Well other women also see him as top shelf, so these men have many women being upfront about their attraction to him. Many of these men take advantage of it. How many women used to think Tiger Woods was a great catch, before he got caught? Some still think he is? Why, after what he did, would Lindsy want to be with him? Because aside from his cheating, he IS top shelf, and many women think they will be the one who changes him, or will be enough for him. Good Luck with that.
In this day and age, if you want a great relationship that is monogamous, full of affection, loving, and stable, you are going to have to make compromises. You are going to have to realize that your biological imperative is not your friend. That the way you view men, and what you want from them is driven by biology. Learning to control that, instead of letting it control you, will go a long way towards helping you find a great relationship.
When we are no longer trying to create a “mini me” many things do not matter as much. Biology tells us to get the very best provider we can. This makes sense in the old world where women didn’t work. It gave our children the best chance of survival. The more resources you had, the better your odds at survival. Now, we make our own money, lessening the importance of his resources, yet many women still place supreme importance on this. The truth is, some of us make enough money that having a house husband would make better sense. The trick to that is being able to maintain more traditional roles, because men still want to feel respected, and feel like they are a leader. This can feel like a complete role reversal which most men aren’t going to feel comfortable with. But what if he is an artisan, who makes woodcraft items from a shop at home, and is still able to have a hot meal on the table when we come in from our hectic day at the office? That could work.
Also, while looks are nice, often in my experience, the hottest guys make the worst boyfriends. Just my opinion.
Anyway, long story short, I feel that if a guy is not making his intentions more clear, it is likely that he is not overly impressed with you. He may see you as a fall back girl because trust me, when a man is enthralled with you, he makes it very clear. I suspect that the guys who make it clear to women that they are enthralled with her, are men she feels are beneath her league. This shows that she likely overestimates her value. She wants the men she thinks are in her league to be enthralled with her, but they aren’t because they don’t see her as being in their league. They have more attracted women paying attention to them. And sometimes, I have experienced the opposite with men. Some think they are above their own league. I learned to stop trying to correct these men, and just ignore them. It’s a waste of time and energy.
It reminds me of that movie, “He’s just not that into you.”
“Gigi is a single woman who repeatedly misreads mundane actions and comments from her dates as indications that they are romantically interested in her. She then frets when the guy does not call.
In attempting to meet Conor Barry at a bar, she befriends the bar owner Alex, who reveals the strategies men use to avoid a woman. He explains that if a man is interested in a woman, he will overcome any obstacles to ensure they date again, and that Gigi has been misinterpreting and obsessing over imagined “signs” that she receives from men. This friendship continues, and Gigi interprets his eagerness to always assist, such as taking Gigi’s call while he is on a date, as a sign that he is interested in her. She eventually makes a move but Alex claims that he is not interested in her romantically and chastises her for ignoring his advice.”
Lucy says
This blog was… how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I’ve found something that helped me.
Thank you!
Dawn says
Isn’t it also true that if u mirror then ur teaching him too only b available when it’s convenient for him? That’s a trap in itself, didn’t work for me
lydisy says
Why would you be on this website if you have no interest in being in a relationship Dawn? Is it the pressure or the loneliness? Or are you just ambivalent about the whole thing hoping to meet someone that would change that?
Roxanne says
You Seriously want Dr.Evan to tell you what too do?
Its only been 3months!,half of that you already knew what was up! It wasn’t that long into it,it was going down hill,no ties,and you stayed!
You have a feeling he’s not serious? You KNOW he’s not serious! We can’t be that blind…..are we??
Its ONLY been 3months,keep on moving on!!
This is not for you,and you know it!
Louise says
I had something similar with a guy I was seeing last year. It started out great,then started acting out strange. I felt I wasn’t showing enough Interest in him. In a bid to show more interest and out of fear he would walk away,I accepted his substandard and dismissive treatment. You know the worst part? I lost faith and love for myself cos of this. I lost my voice. Finally after having enough for 10 months, 1day was all it took for me to make my decision to let him go. I am glad I did. It’s the best r/ship decision I made in 2015. Letting go of liability. Whatsmore,I grew wise from that experience and stopped my “reformer and martyr tendencies”,believing my love is strong enough to reform a man who does not give a damn about me into one who does. Evan’s articles helped me a great deal in growing up and becoming wise. Now once a guy shows tendencies of treating me badly…I am just repulsed by it cos I feel,now this man isn’t adding value to my life but he’s here to take value from me. Effortless,I pull away.
My advice..this man of your would not change. Let him go. Then work on yourself,realise you are a person of value and everything about you carries value…you presence,your love,your loyalty,support. With time,these kind of menstrual will repulsed you. The best gift you can give to yourself is lose this loser. Your self esteem will thank you for it.
Louise says
Sorry..my phone auto corrected men to menstrual. My bad. I meant ‘men’not menstrual.
GL says
Men also need to reach down deep inside and realize that they won’t commit, therefore they should let the girl go, with an appropriate break up. Isn’t stringing someone along immoral? I’m trying to think when I had a real break up, that wasn’t initiated by me…Is this sexist, to pin responsibility on the woman to leave? I understand that women (and men) deserve to be treated nicely….But isn’t this a reflection on how society lets men get away with treating women like back pocket hos? I have no idea if women do this to men as much as men do this to women.
Tom10 says
@ GL #81
“Men also need to reach down deep inside and realize that they won’t commit, therefore they should let the girl go, with an appropriate break up. Isn’t stringing someone along immoral?
…But isn’t this a reflection on how society lets men get away with treating women like back pocket hos?“
I’ve seen this sentiment on this blog quite a few times where various commenters, both male and female, lament the nature of today’s current dating landscape, and I always think, well then, please describe to me your vision of what a fair dating scene/society looks like.
So GL, do you want the right to decide who you sleep with or do you not? If you do, then stop complaining about the guys you’re sleeping with not committing: just stop sleeping with them. How much simpler can it be?
Women fought hard for the right to live their lives as they wish; to work, to study, to travel and to sleep with who they want, so own your decisions and stop sleeping with men who don’t meet fulfill your expectations. Simples.
“I have no idea if women do this to men as much as men do this to women.”
I think it works a bit differently the other way around. The guys who complain about today’s society normally moan about the women they want, sleeping with non-committal men whilst ignoring them. And I always think, well that’s their prerogative: women are allowed to sleep with whomever they want. Do you think they should be denied this agency so that it suits you? I don’t think so. So stop complaining and just focus on the women who do want you. Simples.
Shaukat says
“I’ve seen this sentiment on this blog quite a few times where various commenters, both male and female, lament the nature of today’s current dating landscape, and I always think, well then, please describe to me your vision of what a fair dating scene/society looks like.”
Indeed. I can offer an anecdote from my own recent dating experience to help drive this point home. I was dating a very attractive 29 year old professional for the last month and a half who just recently ended it. The reason she offered was that she was not over her ex (who she hadn’t been with for six months) and so kept comparing me to him. This is nonsense, what she really meant, and pretty much implied, was that I didn’t make her feel the same way her ex made her feel. In other words, the level of chemistry she was used to wasn’t there (and I should mention that, according to her, the ex wasn’t very nice).
This hasn’t been an uncommon theme in my dating career, so this episode has led me to engage in some self-reflection. Perhaps there’s something wrong in my approach/mentality/attitude that causes such results, or maybe I’m just aiming too high (ie, dating out of my league). In order to remedy the situation I have four options: 1). Stop dating and don’t complain; 2). start dating women who don’t inspire the same level of chemistry on my end; 3). Keep doing what I’m doing and hope that it eventually pays off; 4). Stop dating and start demonizing the women who broke it off with me for not reciprocating.
Options 1-3 are understandable, but option 4 is ridiculous and pathetic. Should I blame that girl for continuing to see me given that she stated at the end that she didn’t really feel it from the beginning, but enjoyed my company and was intimate with me in the hopes that stronger feelings would develop? No. I saw the red flags at the beginning and could have walked away (probably should have) and didn’t. I have to take responsibility for that.
So I agree with Tom, GL. Either stop dating, stop having sex outside of commitment and walk away from the men who don’t commit (as EMK recommends), or have sex without expectations. But don’t demonize the men who sleep with you and don’t commit.
GoWithTheFlow says
Shaukat,
“The reason she offered was that she was not over her ex (who she hadn’t been with for six months) and so kept comparing me to him. This is nonsense, what she really meant, and pretty much implied, was that I didn’t make her feel the same way her ex made her feel. In other words, the level of chemistry she was used to wasn’t there (and I should mention that, according to her, the ex wasn’t very nice).”
Actually, you really don’t know her “real” reason unless you can get in her head literally. I have a very hard time not trying to analyze what I don’t know when a relationship blows up. I think we just have to accept that sometimes we just won’t ever know.
Keep your head up. It doesn’t sound like you are dating out of your league. If the women are accepting 1st, 2nd, and 3rd dates from you you’re in the right ball park. It’s just not working out for compatability issues. It is expected that you will break up with a great number of women on your way to a lasting marriage. It just sucks to experience it at times.
Shaukat says
@GoWithTheFlow,
Thanks for your comment, it’s what I needed to hear:)
Karl R says
GL said:
“Men also need to reach down deep inside and realize that they won’t commit, therefore they should let the girl go, with an appropriate break up.”
I can think of two times when I have dated women who had made it blatantly clear that they were not interested in a serious, committed relationship. Was it their responsibility to break up with me so I could pursue a more serious relationship with someone else?
In my opinion, if the relationship wasn’t working for me, then it was my responsibility to initiate the breakup. If the relationship wasn’t working for her, then it was her responsibility to initiate the breakup.
In the two relationships where the women made it clear (in one way or another) that it wasn’t going to be a long-term thing, I chose to stick with the relationship for a while. In one case, I was enjoying the companionship. In the other case, I was enjoying the sex.
Even if the relationships weren’t leading to my long-term goal, they did provide a short-term benefit.
The women hadn’t chained me to them. I didn’t need to be “let go.” I could leave whenever I chose.
And the same applies to any woman in a similar circumstance.
GL asked:
“Is this sexist, to pin responsibility on the woman to leave?”
No. It’s sexist to assume that a woman can’t make the same decision that I did … to stay or go based on whatever long-term goal or short-term benefit she sees.
If someone decides it’s in their interest to leave, it’s that person’s responsibility to leave.
GL asked:
“But isn’t this a reflection on how society lets men get away with treating women like back pocket hos?”
Wow.
Talk about a sexist statement.
If a woman and I mutually choose that we’re going to have an extended sexual fling, you think the woman is a “back pocket ho.”
I think the woman is a person, like me, who enjoys having sex.
GL asked:
“Isn’t stringing someone along immoral?”
If one person is misleading the other, particularly through lying … that is immoral.
If the person who doesn’t want a long-term commitment has made their position clear, then the other person can make an informed decision to stay or go.
carrie says
Yes no lies and not by email. Do it in person unless you are a coward and not by text. Face to face Phone is good because it takes guts and you can more or less tell if the person is lying. It’s not happened to me but my girlfriend’s boyfriend of many years just broke up with her by email. That’s pretty rotten. His son bragged to us once is that text is great because if you don’t like the woman you can break up by text. Wonder where he got that from…
Kristina says
Its the one you want that never calls and the one you don’t is blowing up your phone.
Noemi says
“Its the one you want that never calls and the one you don’t is blowing up your phone.”
It’s because you’re putting the one you want on a pedestal, while you’re acting like yourself with the one you can care less about. Change your attitude about the one you really want, and notice how the dynamic changes.
Arrah says
Can totally relate… Lol
N says
It’s not society. It’s the woman in question who let herself be treated like “a back pocket ho.”
In a period of ambivalence post major break, and in the process of fighting the last fight against my willfulness into total submission, I summoned my energy to find an emotionally stable and available man, intelligent, successful, attractive, who can provide me with affection and physical intimacy in my current life terms.
Here and now, I enjoy the freedom to self-discovery and get my emotional and physical needs met by this man on my terms, not as a back pocket ho. But as a woman who clearly communicated her needs today. Sans expectations, relationship labels, and worries about tomorrow.
Odyssey says
Sounds like you have a feeling of superiority or are trying to convince yourself that what you do means you are okay with it but I detect some self-righteous defensiveness. I get what you are going through but it ain’t over til it’s over so things are not always what they seem a few months down that road.
Carol says
I agree!!! I have been mistreated for 2 years by an older man 56. He treated me like an option , never made time for me except for sex. With the occasional outing. I liked him a lot and allowed this to continue way too long. It was extremely hurtful.
i gave it my all and got nothing in return. Never again will I allow this half ass excuse for a relationship. he is now older and alone. He still messages me , but I will never go back. I feel like a fool and wonder why I wasn’t good enough. I guess I need to look at it as ‘he’wasn’t good enough.
I hear he chases younger women although his charm and looks are fading and his reputation is jaded. It’s rather pathetic. I will never understand how someone can treat a person who cared for them so poorly. Guess karma is a reality for him theses days and rightly so!!
Jacinth says
Whoah! Interesting posts,I dated a long-distance guy for a year,he got cold feet the week before I should have flown in from the Caribbean to meet him,broke up with me in what I called a perfect relationship. Did I cry and beg him to let us talk yes!he however asked me to move on .I blocked him,and followed the no contact rule,then after Six weeks I decided to unblock,whoah!
He was calling and texting up to three times per day at times,so I texted him back,asking how I could help,he started his wailing,I wished him all the best,s and deleted him this time.
Reading Evans blogs changed my life forever,now Im’ dating someone better in every sense of the word,not downplaying persons directly but….from a laborer to a lawyer is a big jump and it keeps getting better and ….I don’t do date sex,yet have great relstionships. Thank you Evan😃
Chantal says
Sooo does this mean we should never initiate conversations…?
Elizabeth Carre says
If you’re not both on the same page emotionally it’s not going to work. That doesn’t make the other person a bad or mean person, he/she can’t fake how they feel. They can, however, act in a mature fashion and just say so rather than ghosting.
Arrah says
Thanks, Evan. This has come at a good time for me and I’m going to put your “mirroring” theory to practice. I’m seeing this guy and I’m not too sure where he stands as regards feelings, but one thing I’m sure of is that I deserve to be with a guy who takes me seriously…at least as much as I am willing to take him. Much love from Nigeria…and again many thanks xoxo
marnie says
Thank you for this post. I am in this stage.
It is a wake up call. It is painful to give up on what we believe what is best.
But what we believe is what is happening.
Thank you so much.
Chelsea says
Thank you for this post. I was dating someone for 14 months and felt as if he was stringing me along. He said that he seen us having a future a few times throughout dating. I recently expressed to him that I didn’t want to keep dating without a proposal within two years of being together. He said he was not planning to propose. He told me he was tired of trying to work things out. All the “love” he said he had for me, quickly went away. I was devastated, but learning to move along. It’s not fair for anyone to waste time on someone who doesn’t want to commit. With time, things will get better and I will find someone who is looking for the same things.
Calgary82 says
Your articles are so awesome. Your answers are straightforward and end up confirming what I already know but don’t want to admit.
I’ve been in this situation for 3 months, finally decided to walk away because his words didn’t match his actions. Tell me you want to see me all you want but a “home” date every couple of weeks just isn’t matching up.
Caz says
Think men and mountains. If they can’t get over or round one for the woman they really want they will go through it. In other words nothing will stop a man if he’s really interested. As soon as a man blows cold on me I mirror and go no contact. If he texts 2-3 weeks later and I wish to engage then my choice. But real men will ring and want to hear the woman’s voice. One a first date if he asks me to check in about arrangements then no go, similarly if he can’t make the effort to get out of jeans and a T shirt as he isn’t making an effort for the woman. I’ll make an effort for a date in my dress to look good out of respect for myself and the man who asked me out. I expect the man to have some sense of dress to reciprocate. and show me respect by making an effort. Also if you love enough you love to be able to let go. If what you let go returns then it is yours to keep. If it doesn’t you lost another douchebag and saved yourself a lot of hassle. Men want what they can’t have and the woman who kicks him to the kerb piques his interest and gets his respect more than the woman who hangs on and gives the milk for free, so yes he’ll either get his act together or not.
Kate says
Why is it so easy to understand if it is someone else’s story, and almost impossible to comprehend when it happens to me…
Looking back at two years of being breadcrumbed (fair enough, I had cancer) : hope, mainly pain and unrequited feelings. It all looks clearly now, told him I do not want any contact but the one question I’m left with : why could I not take this step much sooner? Why do we keep hoping for so long? I don’t understand (fair enough, I was ill) why I didn’t step out of it much sooner.
Nathalie says
I’ve been seeing a guy for 7 months, ive met his family and friends, see him ever weekend and we have great fun. We have been on holiday together and was planning on the next. He has had two failed marriage and one long term relationship that I know about. Apparently he had immense chemistry with both women but the long term relationship was more friendship and he didn’t want to marry her or have children. He says that what we have is amazing, but he isn’t sure if something is missing…… desire?! He says we are better than his past relationships and that he realises that immense chemistry doesn’t last. We didn’t have a problem with our sex life… I meant we didn’t rip each others clothes off each time we met but all was good. Then I found out he was seeing other women from a dating app….. he met one twice and kissed the other (that’s what I know about). This was whilst he was introducing me to his family……. I can work it out. He says it may be fear of making another long term mistake or that what we have just isn’t enough…… his words last week were…… I have thought about you differently in the past few weeks (in a good way) and wondered if I made a mistake but haven’t been able to get to the point where I feel I could give you the commitment you deserve.
Ive told him to leave me along as he kept texting sad faces etc and looking at my social media.
What is wrong with him??
Yet Another Guy says
It is called Bigger, Better Deal phenomenon.