How Long Should I Wait for Him to Commit to Me?

How Long Should I Wait for Him to Commit to Me?

Hi Evan,

I have been dating a really wonderful man for three months now, and at this point, we are spending our weekends together every week. We have an amazing, intense connection which we both acknowledge and at this point, I’m downright crazy about him, and I know he feels the same about me. When we are together, it just feels right, but we have yet to say “I love you” to each other. I’m not getting that he is ready to hear this yet, so despite my feelings, I avoid saying those three words to him. What I am getting – through his actions and emotions – is that he does indeed love me, but I am not pushing him to formally acknowledge it yet.

People in love don’t spend much time looking for love with other people.

The problem for me is this: in the past, he has fallen head over heels in love and gotten deep into relationships very quickly. Each time, it has clouded his judgment, and he got stuck in rather dysfunctional relationships, which obviously didn’t work out. He has been married once, and was in a long-term (five year) relationship with someone else. He is using this as a basis for keeping me at arm’s length emotionally, and while I understand what he is attempting to do, it is becoming increasingly frustrating for me. Our typical m.o., week after week, is that we have a wonderful, close, electric weekend together, and then nothing for most of the week. This is a very different situation for me, since the typical sign that someone is really into me is reflected in his wanting to call me / be with me fairly often.

He wants to see me each weekend, but unless I get upset about his lack of attention during the week, the time between Monday and Thursday just doesn’t seem to be a real priority for him where I’m concerned. What compounds the problem in my mind is that he is still active on two dating websites, which he says is “very limited” in usage, that he is just looking for “friends” in which he has no emotional ties to, since he’s happy and contented with me (allegedly) at this point in our relationship.

I tried to talk to him about this last weekend, keeping in mind that he is determined not to allow himself to relax and let things just happen naturally yet, even though three months is certainly not too soon to allow such feelings to happen. I expressed my issues with him not wanting to get off the sites and focus on “us” without distraction (in other words, we had the “exclusive” talk), and about his lack of interest in taking the initiative in contacting me more during the week.

Regarding being exclusive, I told him that I was off of the sites in order to focus on “us”, and hoped that he would feel the same. No answer (which told me a lot right there). He said his lack of contact was his way of “slowing himself down”, because ordinarily at this point in time, he would have had me practically moved in with him if I had come along earlier, and wants to build a solid foundation for a lasting relationship. That is something I want as well, but his remaining active on dating web sites even supposedly looking for “friends” is very disconcerting to me, and I told him as much.

Finally, the real question here: How long should I “patiently” wait for him to stop pulling back from me? Is there a good time frame to go by not only for him to acknowledge his feelings, but for me to make a decision about whether I should stick around or not? Six months? One year? I know everyone’s different, but I just need some guidance here, since I would like to see where things go without all the constraints!

Thank you!

Dear Jennifer,

I usually don’t run letters this long, especially when I’ve written at least seven articles in the past year that cover this specific topic (including What to Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit). Still, your letter was well-constructed, self aware, and worthy of response….

So here goes:

Our astute readers will have picked out these key phrases as to why you already know what you have to do.

1) He has been married once, and was in a long-term (five year) relationship with someone else. He is using this as a basis for keeping me at arm’s length emotionally.

Ah, you gotta love the built-in excuse. It’s brilliant in its infallible logic. Really, it’s on par with answering “I’m a perfectionist” to the “what’s your biggest flaw” question in a job interview. I mean, really, who could possibly argue? So get it straight: this darling man of integrity is just trying to protect you from getting hurt because he’s made some mistakes before. Got it.

Believe it or not, I’d still try to give him the benefit of the doubt, since I’ve been wrong before. Hey, maybe he’s just trying to break his pattern of leaping before he looked. Can’t blame a guy for that, can you?

Oh, yes you can.

2) What compounds the problem in my mind is that he is still active on two dating websites, which he says is “very limited” in usage, that he is just looking for “friends” in which he has no emotional ties to.

Couples don’t do that. People in love don’t spend much time looking for love with other people.

WALK. If he follows, he’s your boyfriend. If he doesn’t, he’s exactly who you thought he was.

This guy is using you, Jennifer, and what’s hard to take is that he doesn’t even know it. He’s just doing what’s right for himself, so it doesn’t even occur to him that he’s hurting you. Think about it. He’s not telling you he loves you, he’s not calling you his girlfriend, he’s not seeing you during the week, so how can he be called a jerk? He’s covering his ass. He gets to act like a boyfriend on the weekends, spend the week searching for other women, and still not have to step up to the plate and commit to you. Hey, why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?

3) No answer (which told me a lot right there).

Yeah, it’s hard to have a talk about “us” when there is no “us”. By saying nothing, he continues to cover his ass, and you continue to tolerate it. You’re expecting things to change, but he doesn’t want them to change. He wants a weekend girlfriend with all of the benefits, and none of the costs. As long as you tolerate this, it will continue. Six months? Sure, why not? You can have another exclusivity talk then when you see his profile on Match, but what for? To get three more months of sex and heartbreak in? Go for it and let me know how it goes.

I’m not a believer in ultimatums, but I’m big on action. So why don’t you give this one a try?

“I really, really care about you and have very much enjoyed our time together. But as amazing as I think you are, I’m not really getting my needs met here. I don’t want a weekend fuck-buddy. I want a boyfriend. And it’s become increasingly clear to me that it’s not going to be you. That’s okay. I’m not hurt or offended, but I need to find someone who wants a relationship. Good luck in your search.”

And then WALK.

If he follows, he’s your boyfriend.

If he doesn’t, he’s exactly who you thought he was. And you saved yourself another nine months of wasted time with a commitment-phobe. Use it well.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,



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  1. 61

    I’m in the exact position as jennifer,i’m seeing this guy who i met on a dating site.We talked everyday  for 2 months as friends never dreaming we’d meet as he didnt seem my type.He told me of his past relationships and how bad they were,all longterm that ended badly,and i told him mine.Fed up with countless crappy dates i told him one day i was leaving the site and he suggested meeting for coffee maybe,he and i wanted to keep the friendship going.We swapped phone numbers and a few weeks later we met at a coffee shop.Niether bargained on fancying each other but we had an instant attraction,just like Jennifer and her man but i’m now in her position.I usually make plans and he goes along with it but unlike her fella mine txt’s me alot everyday…still very confusing and hes a commitment phobe too,using his past to keep me at arms length.I was going to post this to evan but after reading his answer to jennifer i know now what to do so thankyou.
    im in love with this man and it hurts me too that he’s still using the dating site,a friend of mine says hes on everyday so even though i knew the answer myself its good to have clarification!!

  2. 62

    My mantra is be a “walker” not a “stalker” – don’t torment yourself checking websites to see if he is still active – the first one you saw was sufficient – if he can’t come up with a really, really good reason for that and only wanting a weekend relationship then it is time to walk.

    I recently walked from a relationship with a bloke that I’ve known nearly 20 years and had always thought we were friends. He’d passively “wanted” me for a long time and earlier this year we started a relationship. I soon realised that “friends” is a subjective term and that I should remember that it means different things to each of us although I believe the commonalities are a given. He “measured” his contact with me, never called more than twice a week, due to distance we spent weekends together when we could and after each he would cool his contact for a while and then gradually build up again. Wouldn’t discuss “us” in any context and just smiled and went quiet. After 6 weeks of it I decided to walk – it was not fun or healthy and I was out of there.

    He now has all the distance he desires from me … and I’m happy again.

    Walk girl, run if you have to!

  3. 63


    I really like your mantra: “Be a walker, not a stalker.” That’s great! 🙂

  4. 64

    its very good thing ive stumbled upon this article and site, since my situation i think is somehow similar to selena, it made me think upon my relationship too.
    ive been seeing a guy for about 3 months now, and we both have agreed to give the relationship a try. simillar to most of the girls, we just usually see each other during the weekends due to work and distance, we do communicate from time to time during the week. my worries are he dont seem to be too keen to see me, i’m the one who ask him out if we could be together. he also uses an excuse of not used to seeing someone often, and is used to having his alone time. he got a 2 week off and i was free for the day and i ask to see him, but then he says he would rather spent it with himself, likely with his mates too, since he just spent the weekend with me and next week he’d be spending it all with me. we met in a dating site, and he still has his up as well, and uses the excuse that he had some friends there too. i dont want to be too clingy or needy but this worries gives me doubt to the relationship. so i guess, i would try and talk it out and see where it goes.

  5. 65


    Have the talk but be prepared to walk if he doesn’t change his tune. Better to be honest than make up excuses and he’s holding you up from finding either the man of your dreams or a really great new friend.

  6. 66

    I wish that I had read the response from Evan 2 years ago.  I was involved with an “asshole”, not once, twice but three times.  I fell for the I love you and all the junk and he still treated me like garbage.  Life is too short to waste it on people who are unwilling or unable to be truthful and treat you well.  Don’t waste any more time!

  7. 67

    Finally! This topic has cleared up so much for me. Although the fear of denial plays a big part in why it is so hard to be tough and walk away, unsure of if he will follow. After putting so much time and effort along with serious feelings and a romantic chemistry it would be a blow to our ego and our emotions to find out all we are is a weekend booty call. But its definitely better to find out sooner than later!!!
    Thanks, for posting this article.
    It has made me see clearer!

  8. 68

    thanks aussiecountrygirl i had the talk with him, and he stick to the not being able to see each other as much due to distance. but eventually, after discussing that we might just have to go our seperate ways, he cried and expresses that its something he wishes not to happen. he had brought his dating site profile down and the holiday was fun. he still have some of the annoying attitude to the relationship, but i guess, were still working it out. better to look for some of evans advices on other issues.

  9. 69

    I can so relate to many of these postings. I met a fabulous man. 15 years older. A great deal in common and were in similar businesses. He comes on very strong the first couple of dates and then he started pushing me away. We talked about it openiy. He told me he wanted to take things slow and that he is still isnt over his ex (broke up over 2 years ago). After going through a roller coaster of emotions I become determined to really lay it on the line. Which was hard becasue I turn to mush when I am around him. Yes Yes I comments needed. So I sit him down and tell him. He responds by saying he wants me to be his girlfriend, but he wants things to go very very slow. Nothing pysical has happened between us. However, I notice that he keeps affection at min. He has said to me that I scare him. Ok we have gone out and doen business together for 4 months….. alittle reassurance is to mych to ask for? Something that let’s a woman know…your mine and I care for you.

  10. 70

    You need to ask yourself why you are bothering at all with someone who keeps affection at the minimum.  If it’s like this in the beginning it will NEVER improve. Let this one go. Please.

  11. 71
    Dean Kaplan

    @Lis #70
    That’s pretty weird.  As I read your comment, I swore you guys were having sex.  For him to say that and he’s not even getting any sex out of it…  No offense, but are you sure he isn’t gay?

  12. 72
    Brenda Lee

    Hi Evan

    Just an update to my previous post:  Since July and the ultimatum, things have gone from good to great.  I knew I loved him but gave him some room to deal with his feelings.  One night while on the phone, he said thats one of the reasons I love you.  I jokingly said just one?  to which he responded babe, I love you and I love everything about you.  But what was best?  He didnt miss a beat.  He didnt stop and ask me did I hear him or did I love him back he just went back to talking about what he loved about me.

    I am not a fan of ultimatums either but for your own sanity, take a deep breath, memorize the line and walk.  You want the best, dont ya?  Then stand up for it by demanding it.  We teach others how to treat us.  So if you feel you are being treated well, then you are a most gifted teacher!!!!

  13. 73

    Neat, Evan, neat.
    Once I worked out that women in LA and other big cities in this country do this arse-covering too, (and I was brought up in a country and an environment where thy didn’t, so that took a wrench!) , I learned to avoid those sorts. But it’s tough.
    It’s tough because most people with all the availability around find temptations to be like this, so even good people can be on a selfish-stupid path like the guy herel And not know it.
    There needs to be some emotional ed for otherwise decent people to show them what they’re doing tol themselves and others!

  14. 74

    Ugh!  I can so relate to this.  Thank you Evan for your tough love honesty.

  15. 75

    Thank you! I bought WHD and have read and reread your blog. I’m a realist and your material is helping me so much!

  16. 76

    Not sure how long ago this was posted. Just found this site today. love it btw!
    As long as he is not calling or making contact during the week and he still has his profile up on dating sites, you know where you stand. You are an option, nothing more. He’s still looking around for someone to make his woman and when he finds her you are gone. You can make an excuse for anything else, hurt in the past, wanting to be sure, blah blah. A man doesn’t take that long to make up his mind on whether he wants you or not and he will make it clear.
    You are much better than that Jennifer so you do not wait around at all. He does not want you and he doesn’t deserve you quite frankly. Tell him to go kick rocks and mean it.

  17. 77

    The sad truth is that if you don’t take action, he will most certainly leave you.  As much as you hope for things to change and improve, there’s almost no chance once this sort of pattern is established. You are where he wants you. You are now in a holding pattern pending his eventual exit, and probably sooner rather than later.  Either way, this is a heartbreak waiting to happen.  I speak from personal experience; settling for a relationship that serves his convenience doesn’t work, and it just goes from bad to worse.  The sooner you leave him, the sooner you will start to heal and be available to find someone capable of a healthy relationship.

    1. 77.1

      So glad to have found this post, wish i had found this earlier. I like your response Lorraine, gospel truth!! As humans we naturally seek love and affection to exist,fully exist but far too often we fall into the “settling” pattern because we emote from our hearts and not our heads. Once the connection is made with someone we deem as potential, or possibly “the one”  most will throw caution to the wind, hop in the fast lane, and try to speed our way to that blissfull ending. For a lucky few,the object of your affection will be on the same page as you, therefore, you most certainly will avoid getting pulled over or left in total devastation picking up pieces, everything will be in sync, planets may even align to salute you both. For the unlucky ones including myself, once we’ve  found  “the one” whom we desire, we start off with unrealistic views of perfected love, we focus on that mutual chemistry, we omit that oh so needed interview of him, we get caught in the” playing it by air” lifestyle because he is evasive, we accept him saying, he’s not comfortable with labels or just to trust the process. W e forget that although we know every inch of his body, we know nothing about his heart or his mind, and eventually we crash and burn . We fall in love with  strangers, who from the beginning intended to be just that to us, but we hang on for dear life, because this stranger becomes our reason to breathe. My guyfriend  never made me feel secure,he was never curious about anything in my life or if i was seeing other people (stupid I know).  Lack of clarity or direction in any relationship is a doomed ending, it should always be  determined if you are heading to the same destination,and how you  plan on getting   there.  As women, we cannot keep entering  into relationships without establishing direction, and expect it to be fullfilling I failed to be decisive about what I needed from my guyfriend(for lack of a better term), i suggested,hinted but didn’t respect or love myself enough to walk when he clearly expressed he wanted to coast, even tho coasting extended for 1yr without me ever feeling special or hopeful about a future with him. This failure to cut loose at his failure to commit caused me to be become an anxious, emotional,untrusting, argumentive woman. He would see me often but somehow, i would leave after seeing him feeling empty everytime.  I panicked when ever he didn’t call ot text  for a day,or too, because I lacked clarity. Although i saw him often it was always me requesting, missing, wanting together time. Most days I felt if I dropped of the earth, life would continue without a hitch for him, simply put, I knew I was irrelevant in his life. It was no surprise to learn he was seeing other women and sleeping with them as well. Long to short, I lived in misery, everyday wondering when he would eventually dump me today???, waiting, waiting, waiting…He finally did after I told him I knew he was seeing other people, which he denied followed by “we are toxic for each other, so it’s done.” I  deserved that really, what person sticks around never getting validation from the person you with? He never told me I love you, I wanna be be you, all I got was, ” I’m tryna see where this goes”..We have to start valuing ourselves much much more, so as not to accept this from any man regardless of feelings. Months of fun rides and day to day thrills  shouldn’t be enough, in the end all we’re left with is emotional plunder , anger and resentment and not to mention a shattered  self esteem, no one to blame but ourselves really!!, I say RUN EXPRESS!!! …signed on my way to emotional wellness. lol

  18. 78

    Love the advice Evan and will keep that exit line in my back pocket.  I also found this comment from #78 interesting….
    “You are now in a holding pattern pending his eventual exit, and probably sooner rather than later”
    Or on the flip side is he behaving ‘badly’ so she will leave him.  Much less messy for him and way less effort.  Sounds like a guy thing to do. 

  19. 79

    After reading this website couple of days ago, thank you Evan. I finally walked away from my long distance relationshp after a year. We live a hour away from each other. He would not commit to me and I really like the guy. From the begining It was great between. He never introduced me to his friends or his family.

    I am hurting, angry and upset with myself right now, because I waited over a year or so for him to commit to me. He wouldn’t make the effort to spend time with me and always making up excuses he cannot meet up. He only wanted me as a fuck buddy, I realised after reading this. I needed to move on and let him go. Basically I gave him a ultimatum he replied was “Ok, Good Bye” That was 2 days ago and haven’t heard from him since. I am heartbroken.

  20. 80

    Have just read this today ,im in the same situation he finally is off the dating site,
    but i still dont trust him!! I feel he will always be looking makes me feel very insecure and unwanted.. he now tells me he loves me and wants to spend his life with me ..after 6 months!! but feel so hurt ..i love him but deep down i know im not getting my needs met and think the very fact he carried on on these sites show like you say im not his first priority and probally never will be …we have been to gether nearly 11 months and know deep down i need to move on!! 

  21. 81

    hey ,i totally understand,iv also been dating this guy for 1 month and 2weeks.and he claims to like me alot,bt i just dont get why he is still on dating site like every day,i didnt need a pastor to reveal to me he was seeing other girls so i reactivated my acct which i closed after i met him,and got sme guys contact and am kinda talking to him nw,,i tld the first guy i was dating that i decieded to see other pple since hes doing same and since he said it takes him 5 months to commit,and he was completely ok with that,and am like wtf,this is so wrong and it shws he doesnt really care or hv alittle jealousy.that turned me off
    although i like him alot ,i cant wait for 5months neither wld i date multiple guys ,i deserve better and i want a guy who is completely satisfied with me and i dnt mind waiting until i find him.   GUYS UGGGGGGGGH

  22. 82

    All I can say is WOW!  Where were you when I needed you right after my divorce several years ago?  You are so right on target with this, it is amazing.  What I have learned is that when someone wants to be with you this crazy tug of war doesn’t exist.  It is just easy.  Being authentic comes naturally, no games are played. And you don’t waste endless hours worrying about everything.  While relationships take work to last, it is an even give and take.  Not one side doing all the taking!
    I love the mirror concept.  It makes it easy to know how to respond.  Simply put…easy “rules” to follow.
    Keep on making a difference in our dating lives!  THANK YOU!

  23. 83

    I just re-read this blog for the third time over the last month. I copied the ultimatum down and plan to give it within the next week (he’s out of town for a few days). My situation is that we’ve been seeing eachother for 3 1/2 months, with a 2 week break at about 6 weeks (I had a needy drunken meltdown and freaked him out). Initially we had both taken down our dating profiles immediately, but during the break he put his back up. After the break we’ve been back to normal, which is seeing eachother 2-3 times per week and talking at least for a few minutes everyday. We also just got back from a great 5 day vacation, with lots of hints at the future mentioned, even marriage which shocked me…Great right? But I went online today to check his profile, because i told myself after the trip it better be down, and saw his pof profile is still up (you don’t have to be a member to seach). To make matters worse, he was online today. My heart is broken…I am in love with him (though neither has expressed it)…but I respect myself enough to know I will not sit around waiting to see if he’ll find the “next best thing,” or “settle” on me. By the way, he’s 40, never been married (I know, first red flag), and I’m divorced after a 19 year relationship. I will keep you all posted on how things go. I really hate this dating crap 🙁

  24. 84

    I am in the same boat, went through all the bullshit and to think im moving forward … it was just the wind blowing threw my hair when i looked back to see myself still standing there in deep thought second guessing myself on just the time thats passing me bye , Waiting on this guy….
    ive been with this guy for 6 years and let me tell u,… in any other relationship before this, the shit that he has done or said or have treated,… he wouldve been toast…. but i take it, and i deal with it and i cant figure it out to save my little cotten socks…

    but just as u described… thats how it was for me to…. i later learned that i wasnt the only one that he was involved with…..if u continue this before its to late your going to go through what im going through and let me say this only once…..WHEN SOMEONE PLAYS GAMES WITH SOMEONES HEAD AND MIND AND MOSTLY THEIR HEART….. AND TO THINK ITS FUNNY AND LAUGH ABOUT THEM IN THEIR FACE, OVER HEAR YOUR CONVERSATIONS AND TO BE CONFRONTED TO ONLY GET LIED TO TO MAKE YOU THINK UR HEARING THINGS OR YOUR CRAZY ITS “ALL IN  YOUR HEAD BULLSHIT” CRAP,DONT THINK FOR ONE SECOND THAT THE PERSON YOUR DOING THIS TOO, MAY TAKE IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL….

    THE ONLY REASON WHY HE WILL ONLY SEE YOU A COUPLE TIMES A WEEK IS BECAUSE HES WITH SOMEONE ELSE. YOUR NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ON HIS LIST….AND YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS…. but its gonna get worse if u stay…. dont be stupid like me. learn from me…. trust what im saying… pay attention to EVERYTHING , times, dates, phone numbers everything as far even conversations with u and him and friends u both keep…. ull definitly catch him… if he hass a cell phone look at the text messages…. send them to ur phone and dont tell him anything unless u have enough evidence to fry him on… cause little bye little wont cut it…. be on top of ur game and TRUST NO ONE cause everyone is fucking ur man and ur eating all ur friends and everyone elses pussy too. (keep that in mind) yuk! sorry to be so blunt,… cant help it, better to just say as i see it….and more then likely he doesnt wear a condom either cause “who wears condoms with their wife or girlfriends”? hmmmmm? take my advice and leave him. hes a liar and a cheat!! 

  25. 85

    Debra #19

    Eerily seems like we have the same man, your name being that of his exGF who he was going to try to get back together with last spring (but didn’t) and moving in with his elderly mother last December.  I don’t get weekends, being led to believe he is doing family stuff.  Since his mother hates my guts and I don’t put up with her hagnasty, he is protecting both of us from her whack attacks.   I don’t have him to my home during the week, either, and we don’t have sex.   Unless you are one of the super rich, you wouldn’t consider the guy a golddigger, though.   Weird.  I guess these same patterns are repeated everywhere. 

    I have no idea how old these posts are……

    As far as timelines for commitments, there are far too many variables applying to individuals, their personhood, and situations for there to be rules.

    3 months?  My man and I were just standing close enough and touching at 3 months.  His mother roared up in her Buick and wantd to know what he was doing in there.  She saw my truck.  “Just talking, Mom.”   I roared with laughter, TEENAGE FLASHBACK!  We kissed a week later and I fainted.

    We’ve been seeing each other for 10 months and it was wow at first sight for both of us.  We met through business.  We still have a business arrangement that needs to be preserved.  That was a very dark time in both our lives, both of us beginning recovery from life changing losses and traumas.   More valid reasons to slow the Love Train down!  Nothing good comes from being two astroids hurtling through space on a collison course!

    He and I have taken breaks from each other for unfinished business of past relationships.   We both had exes who wanted to get back together.   I made it clear to him I do see other men because they are friendships, but he would remain the only one I make out with and I’m not having sex with anyone. In a small town it’s easy to know everyone’s business.   We’ve had misunderstandings, we get confused, we work it through, we communicate.   

    In the time we have between him running 3 businesses, being the sole carpenter and general contractor rebuilding his lovely home and putting up with his unreasonable mother, I see him striving to correct relationship mistakes of his past, struggling with emotional intimacy with me without hiding afterward.  I see his pain and insecurities.  He sees my vulnerability.   He knows when he screws up and he apologizes and corrects himself.   I do the same for him.  He is genuinely remorseful when something he does causes me to feel bad and we discuss needs and solutions.

    I do not behave the way typical women and girlfriends behave.  I refused to initiate The Talk About the Relationship.   When he brought it up, HE didn’t know where it was going.  I said let it be here and now instead of trying to time warp.   When he gets too grumpy,  I give him a kiss and tell him I’m sorry he’s having a bad day and I leave.   I’ll show up in a couple of days or week when he’s relaxing after work with a pie.  He lights up surpised like I’m not angry and yelling or that I bother to show up at all! 
    I get hugs and kisses, physical and emotional intimacy, validation, good conversation.  The man SHOWS me love in his face and his posture, the things he does for me and the respect he has for me.  He doesn’t SAY the words…yet.

    So it’s been 10 months without commitment.   I haven’t asked for one.  I did tell him recently I hoped to someday have a real relationship with him.  That led to another level of vulnerability and disclosure of thoughts and feelings, it was good.   I see this shy man making an effort at relationship skills and emotional intimacy with me.  He’s a man I’ve spent hours with talking and enjoying it.  I feel with as much as this adorable man has going on right now, as long as there’s growth, I can wait until his house is finished, he’s home again and he’s not distracted and driven crazy by building inspectors, blueprint errors, subcontractors, wrong lumber orders and his hagnasty mother.

    We haven’t had sex yet.    Wasn’t there a timeline rule for that too?  3 dates, 10 dates or after we’re married!??! 

    Meanwhile I still have a life of my own that includes lots of men.

  26. 86

    As a woman you have to be clear what it is  you want.   If you don’t specify then don’t expect a commitment.   I would discuss your feelings after three months and tell him that you are at a stage in the relationship where you have deeper feelings.  If he does not repsond and is on match sites he is not interested in a long term relationship.  My opinion is to tell him how you feel, be clear, concise, and emotionless.  Don’t cry, don’t get mad, just be matter of fact.  If he says “I just want a friendship” then you need to either decide to wait it out or move on.  There are so many men  who do want a relaionship one guy is not worth so much energy.   You had sex with this guy too early and now you have the PEA punch in love.   I suggest you stop having sex with him until you get the desired response and if you don’t, move on…..

  27. 87

    “If he follows, he’s your boyfriend”. Probably not. He’ll just follow you out of selfishness and will continue to use you. Keeping you as an option. You’ve expressed your needs. He can’t meet them. He’ll continue with his same MO. If he follows you with a different one, one that fits your needs, then maybe, just maybe, he’ll be your boyfriend if you can truly communicate and make progress around those pink or red flags. Personally, I’d walk, mourn and move on.

  28. 88

    Lust is lust. Infatuation is not love. You are infatuated b/c you are uncertain. Love takes time. Relationships take years. Love doesn’t happen in three months. 
    Do what you feel will make you happy in the end.  

  29. 90

    What an amazing post to stumble across. I was trying to workout if I was going to overreact about my BF of 3 months still having an active online dating profile. We have been seeing each other for 3 months, ringing and emailing every second night and seeing each other every two weeks for a few nights (we live five hours apart). We had “the talk” more then two weeks ago where we stand with loyalty and that we are in a relationship & he had said that he was going to close his profile. He rings me yesterday afternoon and says that he received an email from a lady who lives half an hour away from him and she like hunting too and would it bother me if he emailed her back and said they could be friends? I asked if he was serious, his profile still said he was looking for “dating & relationship” & that he had said he would close it. He said that I was just being jealous & there is no difference to walking up the street and a random person stops you in the street and says, hey nice dogs, let go pighunting and you strike up a friendship. I told him the difference is that he is initiating new female friendships from a dating site and that is disrespectful to me. I am all for him having friends but not like that, the intentions are not exactly pure are they. Anyway, after much thought, I decided I didn’t like the way that made me feel and he has since updated his profile today telling people how to contact him on facebook and that he open to their communication. So….I have walked. Even though I am heartbroken, I feel good about my decision and standing up for myself and what I won’t put up with in a relationship. How could I ever trust him now, his integrity has taken a battering. Plenty more fish in the sea I guess. Thanks everyone for the advice, it really helped. 

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