My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With Me!

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Hi Evan,

What about when a guy DOESN’T want to sleep with you?

I had been dating a guy I met from an online dating site for a little over a month. We were really good together, had a lot in common, had a blast anytime we were together. The second night he stayed over, he asked if we could sleep together. I was hesitant about it, since before that all we had done was kiss. So he apologized for asking and said he wanted me to: “make him wait.” The next time he stayed over, I said I didn’t want to wait anymore (hey, I’m only human!) but he said he still thought we should wait… He said how most of his relationships had been purely physical, and he didn’t want that for us.

He ended up staying over a couple of more nights, but we never slept together.

As much as I would like to believe he wanted to wait because he really liked me, that theory was thrown out the door when a couple of weeks ago he pulled a 180 and quit returning my calls and texts for 3 days. And then TEXTED me finally to say he wasn’t “ready for a relationship.” But that’s a whole other story…

Melissa

I can hear your frustration, Melissa, but I gotta tell you: I LOVE receiving role-reversing letters like this.

Women who complain that men are too clingy, men who get upset when women don’t call them after sex, women who make more money than men.

Next on Jerry Springer: Men who don’t want to have sex.

I’m sorry. This isn’t a silly matter at all. What it instantly brought to mind, actually, was a plot line on HBO’s new series “Tell Me You Love Me”. There’s a married couple on the show that hasn’t had sex in a year. You’re an individual who hasn’t slept with a guy in a month.

Okay, so they’re not that similar.

You didn’t really ask me a question, Melissa, so it’s hard to give an answer. But I will give you my opinion, which, not surprisingly, might challenge yours.

I think the guy did the right thing.

I think you should be thanking him.

I think it would have been a lot worse had he slept with you and stopped returning your calls.

It would have been a lot worse had he slept with you and stopped returning your calls.

Sure, his breakup skills could probably use a bit of polish, but really, this guy acted with total integrity. Unlike every jackass who has ever slept with a woman he had no intention of committing to, this guy refused to do so.

So apart from blowing you off by text message, how has he done anything wrong?

If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?

I dated someone last year for two and a half months before we had sex. Why? Because I wasn’t sure that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, and I didn’t want to hurt her by sleeping with her and bailing. I’m not saying guys like me deserve a medal, but wouldn’t you say that there’s something conscientious about waiting?…

I’ve had a couple of people tell me that this is a patronizing attitude.

“I’m a big girl. I can handle having sex without commitment.”

Yes, you can.

Sometimes.

Other times you think you can and are hurt when it doesn’t work out.

So if a guy recognizes that most early relationships DON’T work out and decides to hold off on sex, he’s being SELFISH?

Doesn’t sound like guys can really win here.

If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?

My guess, Melissa, is that he did like you, he didn’t want to go too fast and potentially lose respect, and then, after a few more dates, concluded that you weren’t a good fit.

As I said, he could have handled the breakup quite a bit better, but I’m not sure how he could have handled the sex part with any more tact.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Joe

    You feel he wasted your time? Um, maybe you were also wasting his time.

  2. 42
    Goldie

    BeeFly, I’ve got to ask a question, or else curiosity will keep me up at night (happens to me a lot)… In #34, the man was 36. In #40, you say he’s 37. You didn’t break up with the poor dude on his birthday, did you?
      
    Anyway, I was relieved to see your last post – cheating is not the way to go – the problems resulting from it far outweigh the benefits for all sides. It does sound like the two of you were not exactly a good fit, good luck to you both in your future searches.

  3. 43
    beefly

    his birthday was 5 days ago..he’s now 37. to make matters worst, i got him a really nice expensive gift, but f##k it! he can keep it, and may it bring him luck, elegance and prosperity! i really love the bastard! but ive made a real conscious decision that if our future has no common goal, there is nothing left to talk about. ill pick up the phone when im ready to be his friend. 🙂 not bitter. just preparing to move on. thx!

  4. 44
    susan

    I have a friend who has “been in a relationship” for over two months, after a year of friendship. He still hasn’t had sex with her, he has been married twice, and got really burned by the 1st two wives. He is sexually active in his mind, and watches lots of porn, but just can’t seem to sleep with his new Girlfriend! She is the one giving HIM pressure to have sex…I just want to know WHY he can’t and what issues might have to stop him from getting intimate.

    1. 44.1
      reta Krukowski

      Why would he want sex if he is having sex with himself often! You don’t miss something if you are still having it. So many men now have problems sexually because of porn. It really is a mental illness.

  5. 45
    Elly

    I came onto this website looking for answers to why my boyfriend’s sexual drive was lower than mine.   I came across  “When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life” by Sandra Pertot and thought that this might be the key.
    But after reading all these posts about love gone awry in what seems and sounds like perfectly normal relationships, I’m beginning to wonder if there is more to a relationship than what’s on the surface.   All the little nuances and dissatisfactions could be a serious conflict in our future relationship.   The fact that he doesn’t really like to talk to me and I have to beg it out of him; the fact that he has a hard time telling me that he loves me after nearly 9 months of this relationship; the fact that he has a hard time truly committing to me because he doesn’t know what he wants are all huge, flashing signs that maybe this relationship just isn’t ready for fruition. I think when the relationship isn’t working you have to step back and ask yourself if your needs and wants match his, and if they don’t then it’s high time to make an exit.   It’s sad, because sometimes you have to realize that some people don’t know what they want and despite all communication it’ll take a long time before these kinds of people are really ready for love.   Or maybe we’re too incompatible to make this work.   I guess try the best you can but know when to leave.

  6. 46
    Chris

    He likes men.   Why all the theories?   It is a simple question with a simple answer.    

  7. 47
    Tolla

    I met a divorced guy with 2 kids, living with his ex wife. On our 5th date I went over his place for a movie, we got close, huggend, kissed, humped, however at some pout I told him we shall slow down and we didn’t sleep with eachother. He didn’t act irritated. In shortest time (2-3 weeks) he texted me he’s so happy he met me, he wants me in his life, he loves me (this message came too soon, I think). He   took me to a ball, introduced me to his friends.  Further, I was 2 weeks on holliday, he wrote me e-mails daily. When I was back we couldn’t be on our own at his home, as his mom was visiting. And I live with my parents, so we had no place to be on our own untill his mother leaves. After 6 weeks of dating, he asked me why do I keep him away from my parents. I explained some houserules of my family which he seemed not to like. Since then he got somewhat distanced, and a few days later he texted me he has the feeling it wouldn’r work between us   because of my close family ties. What confused me is, he was saying he longs for me, and his mom had left, and he left me per  sms without sleeping with me.  I guess he had another woman on the run. Because honestly, if you tell a woman good words you either mean them or do this to get her in bed. He didn’t get me in bed, and if he meant all  he said, he wouldn’t have left me per text message. Anyway, I was quite confused  and dissappointed and was lookin for what may be wrong with me for a long time after that.  
    P.s. And he introduced me to his mother too.

  8. 48
    Rojda

    The same thing happened to me 5 years ago in England. I dumped him because most of my friends told me he was probably gay! I asked him if he was, he did not like my question and stopped talking to me 🙂

  9. 49
    Mary

    We as women have to know who we are.   As we get older we  begin to reconize game.   Learn to guard your heart it should not be given away quickly or should we be so quick to trust anyone. Some of the women on here complain that a man was only with them a month and they have already devistated you. You mean to tell me you gave your whole being to a man in a month.   We are not that desperate. We have to learn to be patient. I met a guy who I really liked but  I guarded my heart and took my time. When I realized at different times I was falling to deep I would take breaks and started to do different things with out him.   That was four years ago. He is 7 years younger than me and I am #1 on his list of things to do. make me priority and didnot give him my heart overnight.  

    1. 49.1
      Marie

      Thanks great advice to me. I’m with a guy for 2 months. Had sex 4 times. He said he wants to take his time. Hes 41 im 46. I get lonely. I’m at his house sleeping over ever night. He don’t wanna rush stuff. All his relationship he got cheated on. Now I have to pay. Smh. When I want it he gets mad and says when hes ready. Wow. Im hurt. Now im ready to go somewhere else but don’t wanna leave because he is kind to me. What is going on?

      1. 49.1.1
        hunter

        ..I remember behaving this way, ’cause, I couldn’t get her to be “gentle”…

    2. 49.2
      Marie

      Mary thanks….:)

  10. 50
    mattew

    Wonder why?Because man like my self learn not to get to close to a woman for sex.Is because i did that so many times i give in and had sex with the girl that we had so much in commen. most of the time they stop being nice to you after awhile because they say you follow them around to much.Whats the point of being girl friend and boyfriend if your not around 1 other most of the time.Or it maybe like self he dos not what to love you because hes aferid to get close to you because so many other relationships he got close to her then they broke hes heart.

    1. 50.1
      Marie

      I think I agree mostly. Thanks again

  11. 51
    someone

    i dont know how i stumbled across this article but it was interesting to me for some reason. After i broke up with my ex boyfriend, he seemed to still be “obsessed” with me… for many years. even after i got married. He had girlfriends since then and then 1 that he was with for years… but he would always contact me and tell me he hadn’t had sex with her. And that he didn’t want to have sex with anyone if it wasn’t me. (he was super creepy) Anyways, maybe that’s whats going on. Maybe this guy was trying to get over someone but eventually realized he couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to give you what you wanted. Did better than my ex did with his gf. He just stayed with her for years just making it worse..

  12. 52
    Ron

    Okay, let’s start with the obvious.   When you start a relationship sexual or not, the other person in the relationship is trying hard to win you over just like you are doing to win their attention.   High heels, lingerie, food sex, phone sex, porn sex, blow-jobs, strap on sex, tie them up, spank them, what ever…..everything goes and it happens often.   You find yourself begging for mercy.   Pure bliss, I know !!!
      As soon as you propose and make the commitment, they “got you” and the “hunt” ends.   They won you over or you won them over, works both ways.   First you try to blame work, stress, money, etc…. then you start to blame yourself and try to make yourself more desirable, new haircut, new clothes, work out, etc…. then you try to give them the cold shoulder.   What really works?   Who knows!!!
    if the person is worth the work, then work on the relationship, if not and it was just an infatuation, realize it and move on.   They will try to re-spark the flame of old because you are moving away but you have to stand your ground and either work it out or move on to someone who is really always that way.   I mean I understand a cooling off and settling in to “life”, but there is a limit. You have to make time for your significant other and set aside time for just sex.   Have a sex night, get some sex dice, play a sexy game, rent some porn you both like and try to emulate it.   Dress up and go to a bar and try to pick up your significant other.   Be creative in whatever you did before the icy cool off.   if they still don’t get it, drop em like a bad habit, you don’t have time to fuel the libido of two people.   Life is too short to go without good sex and often!!  

  13. 53
    Agreee

    I’ve been friends with this guy for about 10 years. He always liked me, I wast sure. Then I suddenly felt and attraction. We were on holiday, sharing a bed, green light! We kissed, he’d go for a boob grope, things would get heated but then he’d stop! why? And he wouldn’t continue. That was a month ago now and still nothing. I don’t get it? I told him that sex was important and that sex was what took things forward. He said he wants to ‘take things slow’ in the bedroom but in all other aspects it’s all systems go ( he wants to move in etc). I’m very confused. I’m beginning to suspect he’s gay. Nothing else makes sense. So frustrating…I’m sure all the girls on this page will agree. Life is too short to live sex less relationships. Wish I had the answers though.

  14. 54
    Tony

    I think that sex should be the natural progression of a relationship in which both people are into each other. Furthermore girls,  everybody is not compatible in bed and that may mean you and your boyfriend, so better find out sooner than later so you don’t waste your time. Just saying here, if you are sleeping alone in a guys house for several days and nothing is happenning then there is something wrong and chances are its just going to get worse when you guys do sleep together.        

  15. 55
    sara

    grrr! ive been with my boyfriend 5 months. we used to have sex everyday and even then he said we needed to have sex more. and now for the last month he has sex with me MAYBE 1 time a week. i asked him why this is and he said its because hes stressed out and im “unhappy” which makes me unattractive to him yet he still finds me “sexual attractive”. i dont get it. i want to be having sex regularly again!

  16. 56
    Sierra

    At the beginning of my and my boyfriend’s relationship we had sex almost everyday, especially when we would drink, but that was only every tuesday, he would just throw me on the bed and we would start going at it. We have been together for 8 months now and he never wants sex. not even while he’s drunk, which is wierd, and when i asked him about it, he said he doesn’t want to have sex because I don’t have a job. and he’s not as affectionate with me because I don’t have a job. Can someone please explain the meaning of this to me because i am so confused!

  17. 57
    Sparkling Emerald

    Call me crazy, but I would love it, if I could find a relationship that progressed SLOWLY to sex.   I would love it if the first couple of sleep overs really could be “just cuddling”, and not have that just be some bullspit line.   After all, in a very LTR, maybe the first months sleep overs ALWAYS include full sex, but eventually over time, there will be nights when you sleep in the same bed, no sex, but that doesn’t mean NO INTIMACY whatsoever.   There will most likely be at least a good night kiss and some spooning.   Waking up in each others arms, maybe a back rub and some love pats.   Since “just cuddling” is OK, and eventually becomes part of a long term relationship (hopefully not replacing sex altogether) why is it so wrong to ease into sex much more slowly with limited physical intimacy ?   I like Evan’s idea of “rounding the bases”, but seriously, does the “home run” have to   happen 3 dates after “first base” ?   Did you know there is actually a online service for people who just want to cuddle?   I am very skeptical and wouldn’t join, because I figure it is a way for guys to rack up FWB’s using the oldest line in the book   – – “I promise, we can just cuddle”.   I acknowledge that sex is something that we all (or 99.9 % of us) need and desire, but that is only for part of our life time.   Pre-sexual children, and the elderly still yearn for the human touch, sans sex.   Anyone with children can attest to how much children love to sit on your lap, cuddle and crawl into bed with mommy & daddy to spoon.   If you’ve ever been in a nursing home, where most of the residents are to infirm for sex, you will see that the need for the human TOUCH is still there.   A hand to hold, a hug, anything to feel connected.      It used to be that women liked to “just cuddle” and men would complain about that.   Now I see women complaining about a man taking his time.   I agree with Evan, I think it is much more honorable for a man to take his time, to avoid the humping & dumping that leaves many women so broken hearted.   The make-out and flake-out can be a little disheartening to, but not as much as being dumped after sex.   I think by waiting a bit (not talking YEARS here folks) there’s a better chance the relationship will last.   Sex too early can short circuit a couple getting to know each other and gauging their emotional compatibility.    It blinds you to the other persons flaws (and we ALL have them).   I read that it takes about 90 days for the “courtship personality” to wear off and the real person to emerge.   So I think getting to know each other for 3 or 4 months, with partial physical intimacy, is a good thing, but in today’s world, I doubt that too many men (or women) would be willing to wait that long.   I think it was the Amish who had “bundle boards”.   An engaged couple would sleep in the same bed with a board down the center, so the could cuddle and sleep together but they were supposed to refrain from sex.   (no idea how many did)   I wouldn’t mind a longer “bundling” period myself.   Maybe it’s an age thing.  

  18. 58
    Asha

    told my boyfriend of 5 years he was a selfish jackass and a selfish lover. now he’s great outside of bed but cold shoulder past that. like what the fuck. you aren’t satisfying me you idiot because you don’t listen to me but this is my fault?

  19. 59
    smf

    All your life you’ve picked men who boost your ego by constantly asking you for sex and by accident you finally stumble across  a decent guy and then you do something  that makes him not want to commit to you and you want to know what’s wrong with him?

    Maybe you’re just addicted to having power over others. He might have picked up on that. It’s worth sorting that out so you can start having real relationships.

    Porn addiction is a big problem for a lot of men, it rewires the brain and normal boring sex just doesn’t do it for you anymore. It’s worth sorting that out too as it’s pretty toxic for a relationship.

  20. 60
    michelle

    Hi, I am “seeing” a man as well I guess. He is 48 and we have slept in the same bed numerous times over the past five PLUS years and have had sex 3 times. All in the first three months of the relationship. He says he has trouble having sex with someone he cares about. Now, he says he has worked through it and wants a “real” relationship but I think he is full of beans. I think he just wants to continue the “hang out” portion of our relationship and has no intention of having a full, normal sexual relationship. I am sick of it and have asked him to get out of my life but he insists we are meant to be life partners.

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