Should Men Buy Flowers or Gifts for Women on First Dates?
- Dating, Men Who Try Too Hard
Do you recommend guys bring flowers or small gifts on the 1st date to present to the woman he’s trying to woo?
It’s a personal decision of course, but a tough one at that. Some of the pick up artists tell students not to offer to buy a woman a drink in a bar, for a couple reasons (and I agree): First, some women just freeload, take the drink, and walk away (and do this all night to guys). Second, the pick up artists tell students the woman has to EARN the drink first (meaning she has to display that she is sincerely interested in the guy as well).
By the same token, I’m beginning to wonder if the woman has to earn the flowers/candy (whatever) first before just giving them to her on a first date or in an attempt to get a date with her altogether. Meaning, if the first date goes well, perhaps the better time to spend hard earned cash on flowers or candy is on the 2nd date.
After all, many a schmuck (myself included) has bought flowers for a woman, either having them delivered to her office BEFORE the guy even asks her out, or brings them on the 1st date, only to not have the hoped for romance go anywhere, and then feel like a loser for blowing $50 on flowers on top of the dinner.
Any advice on this? Thanks.
Justin
Dear Justin,
Years ago, I gave a speech following a book signing for I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book. Afterwards, a nerd in his early forties approached me, agitated. He was hung up on the flowers question as well.
“I don’t understand,” he bellowed, “It’s good manners to give flowers on a first date. My father courted my mother that way. I don’t see what’s wrong with it.”
“It’s just a little too much,” I replied, diplomatically. “It’s a nice gesture…once you’re already in a relationship. But as a tool for wooing a woman, it can come off as a little cheesy.”
“Since when has chivalry become cheesy?” the man said, even more agitated. “I’m trying to demonstrate that I’m a thoughtful, generous man, and she’s judging me negatively for it? I don’t understand that kind of thinking.”
And he didn’t. Like most people on most issues, he was hard-wired to believe one thing, and was resistant to the possibility that he was wrong.
“Even if I agree with you in principle, sir,” I chimed in, “it doesn’t really matter. If you give flowers to every woman on the first date, and every woman agrees that it’s an over-the-top gesture which has been outdated for thirty years, why are you still fighting it? Instead of trying to convince womankind that they need to re-evaluate what’s comfortable, why don’t you just change tactics?”
He paused and took a deep breath. He looked me right in the eyes.
… “Because I am right. Because there are right ways of doing things and the wrong ways of doing things. And you’re never going to convince me that giving flowers on a first date is wrong. Just ‘cause every woman says that I’m too old-fashioned doesn’t make her right.”
And he stormed out of the book signing, stubbornly clinging to his beliefs, decidedly likely to ruin another first date with another bouquet of roses.
If you’ve read this far, you can probably see the error in this man’s thinking. It’s not that his heart was in the wrong place, or even that he was being illogical. Giving gifts to women IS generous and thoughtful and kind. The problem is that, as a first-date gesture, it’s antiquated and awkward for the woman. Which renders it ineffective. Which means it should be retired. And yet this guy is holding on.
So ask yourself what behaviors or beliefs YOU have that are out of step with reality:
Are you a guy who thinks that women should split the bill?
Are you a woman who thinks that your great date actually meant something?
Are you a woman who thinks that a guy should take down his profile once he starts dating you?
If so, you’re just like the flowers guy. Your mindset may be fair, but it’s not working effectively for you.
Understand the way others think instead of trying to convince the world to come around to you, and you’ll have a lot more success in dating.
christine says
if a guy brought flowers on a first date i would think he expected sex. so i would be uncomfortable on the date.
Drew says
Seriously? That shallow? If a guy holds a door open, compliments you, or does any other nice gesture he just wants sex? Get out of your head.
Sam says
I’m eager to hear women’s perspectives on getting flowers on a first date. I’d never go all out and get a bouquet, but how about a single rose?
Are any of you ever attracted to cheesiness?
Kiara says
Why wait for a loved one to die before you give her fresh flowers? Why can’t you make her feel special when she’s still alive?
hunter says
….really?…on a first date?…
Buck25 says
@Klara,
Of course; and I like to do that…after we get to know one another. A first date, (which in online dating, is more a get-acquainted meeting) is not the time and place for that.
Renee says
I certainty agree with you. a guy wanted to get me flowers, buy me xmas gifts, get me things on my birthday and we didn’t even go on our first date yet and then we had one date and he still wanted to get things. of course I did not take it because I don’t believe in that. lets get to know each other first about a month and a couple of more dates and then we can give and receive. he was up to something. he was really doing to much. I only knew if for like a week. SMH
mia says
when I went on a first date with someone I had seen from a far from HS & college, I wanted to get him a gift for the first date. Since I didn’t know him well, I thought it d be awkward. First date went well.
on 2nd date he surprised me with 1/2 a dozen of roses.
It was not at all cheesy. It was a romantic gesture that I loved.
First date with roses maybe too much. But yes 2nd dates or future dates maybe perfect for roses. (Of course he & I took 3 months before our 2nd date because of our busy schedules which meant we got to know each other better.)
roses arent cheesy.
Laine Wilson says
First date should be about having fun. No flowers, not even one. Comes across to me as a man without options.
Tati says
I dont think its cheesy, i think its romantic. I would love flowers on a 1st date, shows he really cares.
Sophia says
Well in all honesty, I think that a bouquet may be a little much. However, a single rose would be so adorable, like I know its kind of cheesy, but its the cute kind of cheesy. So yeah in my opinion I’d think that would be a sweet gesture.
Kat says
I think a single rose or something very small for the first date is thoughtful. It’s important though to know what the girl likes before going out with her. I usually tell men that I love traditional dating and I welcome that type of dating. If she think’s it is outdated maybe do that on a third date.
I just went out on a date with a man that brought me a single rose at the door and surprised me with the bouquet in the cat. I loved it and was very happy (this was our second date and I will be going out for a third). 🙂
Collins says
Flowers or gifts on first dates? No way! Any guy who buys such things for a gal he doesn’t even KNOW yet, is putting her on a pedestal & acting as if she’s some object to be purchased. Such behavior invites golddigging on the woman’s part. It takes a gold-GIVER to enable a gold-DIGGER. So don’t do it, guys–you’ll only sow the seeds of your own financial ruin!
Craig says
This same guy would be the one writing to Evan to complain about how some rude woman he brought flowers for on the first date never returned his calls again. The fact is, such a gesture should be earned through a woman’s clear expression of mutual interest. The same goes for buying women drinks in bars. Why would someone you’ve never spent a minute with yet entitled to anything from you? Maybe that was the way things were done in the 50s, but things are far different now. In the 50s, women didn’t have 5 different men they were dating at the same time from the internet. The game has changed, so the rules have to change too.
What the writer needs to understand here is that whether he’s right or not is not the issue – it’s what works that is the issue. So the question he needs to ask himself is: does he want to be right – or does he want to get himself a woman and be happy?
WannaGetMatzoBalled says
I would be seriously weirded out by any gift on a first date. Unless you met online and you traveled far and there is something significant about the object, I think it is strange. It implies an intimacy that isn’t there yet and I would have to wonder if he was off socially or emotionally. Even a rose is strange; it sounds like a guy who would write a profile looking for his “damsel” and “lady love”. It would feel like a little boy giving me a flower from the yard. I’d call it weird, not cheesy.
Renee says
My date made me feel very weird and uncomfortable. He also said, You deserve the best and he didn’t even know me but 1 week . so he really was trying to run GAME, but I fooled him. he can run that on someone who falls for it.
Dawn says
The only situation in which first-date flowers (even a single rose) wouldn’t make me terribly uncomfortable is if the man and I knew each other fairly well already in some capacity, maybe after collaborating on a long-term project, or having an established friendship. Even then, it’s tricky, since there really is a fine line between sweet and cheesy.
Simpler to err on the side of no flowers, I think.
SueC says
It all depends on the situation and the guy. If its someone I’ve known for awhile, we’ve been friends or been on a sports team together then yes it is very awkward because immediately it changes the character of the relationship instead of letting it change slowly.
However if the first date is with someone I’ve met online and we’ve talked on the phone a few times I think it’s sweet (NOT cheesy, but then I’m more old fashioned) if he brings me a rose. But guys think ahead … what is she going to do with it during your date? Is she going to have to carry it around all night? That really does present a problem for her.
Now a small gift that plays into a running joke that the two of you have going would signify that you’re thoughtful, creative and that you’ve been paying attention. That NEVER hurts in my book.
Mary says
I love getting flowers and appreciate a man that is chivalrous and generous. If we knew each other for a while, but were just starting to date, then the flowers would be welcomed on the first date. Especially, if a man is trying to transition from a strictly platonic friendship to dating me. However, if it was a first date and we didn’t know each other well, it would be awkward and I would think it was a routine with all his first dates.
Cindy says
I have been dating for almost three years and have enjoyed getting flowers on the first date! I look at it as if the guy is making that extra effort to start the date off special! I never viewed it as someone expecting sex or anything else! As with anything, everyone has different expectations/opinions. I honestly think spending $10 or so on a flower or small bouquet is very thoughtful and nice!!
JimmyE says
There’s also the practical consideration of what you expect your date to do with her $50 bouquet of flowers once they’ve been presented at the start of the date. she doesn’t what to appear ungrateful, so she’s obliged to carry them around the restaraunt, bar and then back to her car at the end of the night.
Sally says
I guess I’m going against the mainstream here. I think a single rose or a very small bouquet (like daisies) on the first date is romantic and thouhtful. And every man who has done that has certainly gotten a second date with me. In fact, the man I have been dating for nearly two years gave me a single white rose on our first date. Granted, we spent a week or two getting to know each other via email or phone before that first date, so there was some familiarity. So, my vote: a bouquet of roses on the first date, too much. But a single rose? A winner.
Gail says
First dates are full of pressure and nerves. Flowers or any other gift would make me feel uncomfortable and add to the pressure and nerves. The best thing to do is try to make the other person as comfortable as possible. At some point in a later date flowers would be a great way to say that you’re interested in more than just friendship.
Robin says
I think it’s very sweet:) Albeit, I prefer the thought of it, not the money, so I’ve been more touched by the beautiful leaf a former boyfriend once found as he walked to my door, than a huge bouquet of flowers. I don’t think gestures like this should be “earned,” and I believe that they can be given by women as well as men. I wouldn’t expect anything, but would be surprised to receive a big bouquet from someone I didn’t know. If I was about to have a first date with a guy I knew, then it may just make me smile and think more about him:) BTW, that “flower” guy? He sounds as if he might have Asperger’s or similar, to me. I also think that he will end up happiest with a woman who likes flowers on a first date. He doesn’t need to change for the masses; he needs to just find the one woman who is like-minded.
Blake says
Exactly.
Camilla says
I think flowers (not roses or anything too spendy) are sweet. But only if part of the plan is to meet at her home. Then it feels a little more like a hostess gift. I bring flowers to friends all the time!
What’s really creepy to me is when those walking flower vendors prowl restaurants/clubs trying to get guys to buy their lady friends a plastic wrapped rose. So cheezy, and super embarrassing when you’re on a first date with someone!
Susan says
I wouldn’t feel awkward if a guy brought me some flowers on a first date. I would think it was sweet. Of course, this would be preferable if we were meeting at my home.
And while I wouldn’t want a gentleman to spend any significant money, a small gift wouldn’t bother me. Everyone who knows me at all knows that I am very bookish. Once a first date brought me a copy of a book he loved. I thought it was a thoughtful gesture.
My all time favorite, though, was when my date showed up with a small toy for my cat. I’m not a crazy cat lady or anything, but that totally melted my heart. And that sweet gesture cost him less than a buck.
downtowngal says
I love receiving flowers but would be put off by a guy who gave me a gift or flowers on a first date. It can be kind of creepy, pretentious and makes me think that he’s trying too hard, or that once I show I like him he’ll lose interest.
After dating for a bit and getting to know each other, gifts & flowers have more meaning.
Andrea says
I would feel that it was cheesy and creepy, then I’d feel guilty about having those feelings because he meant well, thought it was sweet, and went to the trouble of buying them, and if he bought me flowers it means he likes me.
But I’d still feel creeped out.
Shawna says
Don’t be so paranoid! We really don’t want the flowers or the candy and it’s simply because it’s annoying to put flowers in a vase. And we’re probably not going to eat the candy because we’re on diets or we don’t like them. If you’re going to play the kinds of games with us where you want us to “earn” freaking flowers, then you are not worth our time. Can’t we all be a little more sincere?
a&v says
I’m in the “no flowers/gifts on a first date” camp for all the reasons mentioned above–unless, as others have stated, my date and I have known each other for awhile and the first date is more of a celebration of finally putting two and two together. Otherwise? Flowers seem to me a particular smarmy form of bribery. (But then, I’m a practical and suspicious sort. ;))
mrs. vee says
My husband brought me a humble bouquet of chrysanthemums when he came to collect me on our first date. I was far too into him to do anything but appreciate the gesture.
Still, I’d have to say that my all-time favorite first date gift was a bag of broccoli florettes from Trader Joe’s, after I’d complained to the guy that my local store was always out of the stuff.
Anna says
I’ve had 2 dates bring flowers on our first date. As much as I love flowers, this gesture didn’t change my opinion that we didn’t have enough in common and I didn’t find the guys attractive enough to want to go on a second date.
Donna says
I happen to mention bringing along one red rose as part of a sentence in my profile, and I have been amazed at the number of single red roses I have received. I didn’t mean it literally, and wasn’t initially expecting any, but It tells me how many men have really read and understood what I wrote, even if we have no more than one date. Now I always look forward to seeing who is interested enough to bring me that one red rose. I realize that my take on this is somewhat different, but are we so jaded that we cannot accept a a single rose picked up at the grocery store as implying anything other than just interest. After all, he did want to have a date with you.
Jen From NYC says
No, no and no! Guys we dont want flowers on the first date. We want chemistry, manners, great conversation and sexual tension if the attraction is there. Oh and the hope or mention of a second date. Which I also think, NO FLOWERS. The flowers come when you are dating a few weeks, and lets say the girl invites you over to cook you dinner. The flowes come on special occasions and just because when you are established you are dating.
I always thought flowers were totally weird and a guy who does not know me, does not need to work that hard to get to know me. I always found all I wanted was a guy who showed interest in me of the first date and bought me a drink. The ones who expected we split the check or you buy one and I buy one….out the door. No way!
Coming from a semi-Jappy girl who does have big expectation from men, the flowers are not necessary. Did I say that enough times? My boyfriend buys me flowers about once a month which keeps it special but he showers me with love and affection (the right amount) which even on the first date, was enough to keep my interest one and a half years later.
Let me end by saying, NO FLOWERS. Some of you will continue to do it anyway, and perhaps you will meet a girl who is totally appreciative of it, but most of us think it is creepy and weird.
I think I answered your question ten times!
Jen 🙂
Don says
I find it both interesting and amusing that you claim most women share your personal view.
The comments here indicate otherwise…
chiara says
“We want chemistry, manners, great conversation and sexual tension if the attraction is there. Oh and the hope or mention of a second date…”
If you have all those things on a first date, are you really gonna mind a few posies too?
Seriously, if you like a guy, flowers on the first date seem flattering. If you don’t like him, they seem creepy.
Or to put it another way, if you’re not sure how you feel about a guy, but you are definitely bothered by his first-date florals, then maybe you should take that as confirmation that you’re just not that into him.
Rick says
chiara – you get the prize for the best response. perfectly put.
Rick says
Jen from NYC –
You said (over and over) NO FLOWERS, but then you said all you expected was a guy to buy you a drink. Well, what the hell is the difference exactly?
I guess flowers from a stranger creeps you out, but your favorite drink for free does not?
I’ll pass on buying you the drink.
Ava Mazur says
Personally I expect nothing on a first date (with the exception of if the guy is the asker he should offer to pay). I think it really depends on the woman you are giving them too. I find flowers to be traditional and there is nothing wrong with that…I tend to be untraditional. Im very independent, I own my own home and out earn most of the males in my age group. Giving me a bunch of flowers is a red flag to me saying traditional gener roles are important. So my advice, if you are guy that loves to give flowers and spoil your woman do it! Why because thats you, thats what you like to do…and you woulnt be happy with someone who didnt appreciate how you express your good nature.
hunter says
buying flowers for my first date, second date, third date, is a turn on for me. Many times, I have felt, like, keeping them, because of the chaos, they might create….my date gets them anyway…If she can’t handle it, that is her problem. It is on to the “next.”
Selena says
I had someone bring me a rose on our first date, but we had actually met 3 times before, so knew each other a little bit. I loved the gesture.
If someone I had yet to get to know brought me a single rose, or a small bouquet from the grocery store on our first date I’d think it was charming and funny. Anything lavish would have me thinking, Uh Oh, he’s really going to push for sex or commitment right away.
passerby says
I agree with chiara. If you like the guy, flowers or no flowers don’t matter that much.
I think one single flower (not necessarily a rose) is nice. A bouquet is not necessary though. Also, it’s annoying when a guy thinks that he somehow needs to be “rewarded” for bringing flowers. If you feel like a nice gesture – go ahead but don’t expect any rewards for it. You’re not a dog.
Becky King says
Personally I expect a rose on the first date–god bless, it become real!!! You know I am a fat woman, seems there is no chance for me to meet my perfect match in the real life, so I turned to online dating. When the first time we met on the part, he give me a rose! it’s so sweet and romantic, I feel I fall in love with him immediately!
Jessica says
I am reading some of these and thinking… Wow… a guy that brings flowers on the first date? I bet he opens the door for you and pulls out your chair too… That is so horrible. I can understand the reasoning for most people, but I commend men who are tradtional. Many of the men I have been on first dates don’t actually practice any form of chivalry. To me, a first date is generally an opportunity to make a great first impression.
But Hey, maybe I’m just too tradtional in my thoughts…
Dandh says
I think it depends on the date and how well you know someone. First date I think flowers are too much. But if you’ve known each other for a while (say from work, school, other) have “hung out” before and are meeting up for the real dinner date for the first time, it could be very sweet!
I had a guy bring me a large bouquet on what was really our third date but the first time he picked me up at home all properly. There were two bouquets and he said to keep one in my living room and one in my bedroom so I could think of him wherever I was. Very sweet and the cheesiness worked for this date!
Other sweet things men have done:
http://datingdiamondsandheels.blogspot.com/2007/04/silver-lining.html
Francisco says
I agree with Evan that the entire gift thing on the first date is overkill and very cliche. There are better, more meaningful ways to show a woman that you appreciate her company during the first date.
Any guy can pick up a bouquet of flowers from anywhere; local mall, grocery store or a quickie mart on the way to the date. It takes no imagination what so ever. But then again, the typical guy isn’t well versed in showing appreciation for a woman outside of giving gifts.
Personally I believe that offering a specific complement to a woman during the date, being engaging in conversation and truly listening to what she says and learning about her as a person goes much further than flowers when you first go out with a woman. If the first date goes well and there’s mutual chemistry a ‘thank you’ bouquet and/or a unique note would be more meaningful.
$Fd
Steve says
This comment is in regards to the “nerd in is forties”, who after being told that giving flowers on the first date is not only 30 years out of fashion, but that it also puts women off ,insisting that is still the right thing to do.
I hate to quote a pop-talk show-psychologist like Dr. Phil, but I believe he boilded this issue down into a single concise and powerful question:
“Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
hunter says
men get pleasure, mostly, from, food and sex. Women, are pleasured in a long list of ways, even on the first date, and flowers can be cheap, the lady standing at the corner, has inexpensive flowers….
Charley says
If it feels right (just a handful times for me), I’ll bring one flower on the first date; those dates always turned into relationships. I bought two exes a single red rose on the first date, and I gave my current girlfriend a lovely pinkish/peach carnation. In my opinion, one flower at the door on the first date is sweet and reveals a hint of a romantic side; a bouquet is overkill and reeks of desperation.
TinaRochester says
A gentleman who wants to be remembered will bring flowers. As far as showing mutual interest goes: Wouldn’t going on a date be mutual interest? Realistically I wouldn’t plan a date with someone whom I was not intereseted in.
Guys who don’t bring flowers or a flower to the first date will never or begrudgingly buy flowers. If there are no flowers as a woman you have to ask yourself precisely how interested he is in you.
The thing to remember is that you are going to want to call that woman within the next few days of the date. Do you want her looking at the lovely flowers you brought or an empty table, and associating you with the empty table?
Purely from a marketing perspective you have to understand if you want someone to understand and like your brand you need to get inside their home. The flowers are you inside line. Do you think that companies love giving away beads and things of the sort? No, they do it because the more someone views their brand name the more likely they are to buy the product.
You are product. Sell yourself. Buy Flowers.
Denise says
Haha…this sounds like a perfect commercial for florists. And there’s an interesting logic to it.
hunter says
to tinarochester,
…very well said, thank you, very much…
Sara says
I’m not against a single flower on a first date, but anything more than that is simply uncomfortable. I had a first date with a guy I had met online, and he brought TWO DOZEN red roses. I’ve talked to others about that who thought it was a nice gesture, but in my mind it was way over the top. I didn’t for a second think that he expected something out of it, and he was genuinely a nice enough guy, but it just felt so…wrong. It made me uncomfortable, which, of course, did not bode well for the date.
Marta says
Okay, I’m a baby boomer. And quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of tight fisted men who won’t spent money on a first date, I even had to pay for a soft drink on one first meeting. He was the one with a job, I’m a non-workaholic entrepreneur. I grew up on the flowers and candy etiquette, and unless its a ploy, I think its a wonderful gesture. And I really don’t get some of the anti-woman, pro-buddies web sites either. I don’t think I’m a relic, just a baby boomer. I still believe in the different strokes for different folks sentiment….What’s one person’s cheesy can be another person’s romantic gesture. Too much stinginess or a lack of romantic gestures can be a deal breaker, the two together can really put an end to a relationship…Just MHO, anyway…Call me a hopeless romantic, but there still are a bunch of us out here who appreciate things like flowers, candy or or thoughtful getures…
Jessica L. says
Like many things, this has a kind and degree element to it. Not the kind of flowers or how many necessarily, though I do agree with all of you who have mentioned that an entire bouquet would be uncomfortable and overkill in/for the majority of first date situations.
Particularly as JimmyE (thanks!) stated when you are going on a first date in public. What to do with them the whole night and it draws attention to you – the woman with the flowers – not only do you not want them to die, spill their water or get mangled, but then you have to also contend with people thinking that the two of you are experiencing a special occasion. The more flowers or grander the gesture, the more true that is.
I meant kind of gift (if one at all), the timing of it and the degree to which you really know the person before they bestow such. And too, there is the degree of how personal it is or isn’t.
Usually more is less at first even though you want to show you are genuine. What you say and how you act is more important than what you get for the other person or even what you get from them.
I’d say in at least half of the cases where I have been presented with gifts, they were often on a first date or very early and they put pressure on you.
You certainly don’t want to make the man (or woman if she gives or makes you something) feel bad, nor do you want to be ungrateful, but you usually don’t know the other person’s feelings well enough – or your own – to be able to just react naturally without worrying about expectations or hope on his or her part.
If you have more of an established, personal relationship beforehand – say very specific emails and calls where you feel you have really gotten to know one another, then I’d say take it on an individual basis – to gift or not to gift AND WHEN. Then the what closely follows. Of course, the WHY is maybe the most important of them all.
In two instances, I have received gifts on first dates (although one was a gift he tried to buy, more on that momentarily) where they were of very specific to both me, and as it turns out, the guy as well. One was a guy whom I had gotten pretty close to in email and calls and I think he felt the same. He showed up on his motorcycle with a beautiful gardening book. He said he knew that flowers would spoil and I wouldn’t have any place to put them anyway. I believe he already had this book, as he loved gardening and plants, but that is ok. I’d rather he not have gone to a lot of extra trouble and expense anyway, but it meant something to me in that he thought about it and did some original and meaningful to/for me.
The other instance was another deeper connection before the date. We had talked about a book called “The Sick Caesars” – about the various Caesars in Ancient Rome and the diseases they all had and how they did or did not affect their rule, their personalities, and history at large.
He tried very hard to find a copy for me to give me on the first date. I didn’t know that. Unbeknownst to him, I had done the same thing. Tried to find it for him – was near Father’s Day and they were selling out like crazy. I found the last copy at a Barnes and Noble near my house. Several other stores in the area were already sold out. He said on that date, I tried to find that book for you, but there were none left. To which I was then able to reply, “I know, I got the last one – for you.”
Definitely a case of mutual gifting there. Turned out to be a fabulous first date at the High Museum and certainly one I remember fondly, though it didn’t end up having longer lasting relationship potential. It did lead to some canoodling in the car, so I can’t help but wonder if that would have happened if we hadn’t been on the same wavelength about the book and feeling fairly close prior to the date.
I do know that in other cases where I wasn’t sure how I felt and was worried the guy maybe liked me more, flowers tended to tip me more into the Uh-Oh Zone and made me worry.
Agree with those of you who suggest waiting until a second or third date with signs that a gift would be welcome and sincerely appreciated though in no way EXPECTED.
I have a Baking & Pastry Arts degree and love to bake for loved ones, friends, elderly people and that special someone. You wouldn’t believe how many guys write to me and tell me what they want me to make them from the get-go. Not just stating what they like to eat but more of a “You can bake me this…” statement. Some don’t get that this is something that is earned as well : )
On the flipside, I have been known once or twice to bake cookies (from scratch) too early and it almost always works to my detriment. Though they have always been appreciated. Not quite as bad as giving of yourself physically too soon, but it tends to be emotional over-extention. They will eat the cookies, then RUN! : )
Most things are appreciated more if we have to earn them and wait for them. And then you know it is really you the guy (or) girl wants to give flowers to or make love to or whatever rather than that they are just in love with the idea of being romantic or in love, etc. Once the object of your affections is much less an object to you than a specific, known entity if that makes sense…
Balance and timing are huge keys here. Just not always easy to read how the other person really feels and how they are coming along with things versus where you are at. I do believe in reciprocity though and making sure to be thoughtful in any way you can – as long as it doesn’t make someone else uncomfortable or think too much.
Another thing – you should be giving a gift more for the way it will make the recipient feel, not for how you will feel for giving it. That way, you aren’t disappointed if they don’t react the way you want or hope, and you could be pleasantly surprised if they do. But can’t have a personal agenda or goal trying to meet or will put pressure on the other person, and actually, on yourself too.
Overall I agree with Evan – but think using judgment on an individual basis – just like you wouldn’t use the same golf club to hit every shot – is key. The letter writer here clearly had an absolute about flower giving and the only absolutes in life that I know of that can be counted on exist in math.
Jessica L. says
I would add – The way this subject head/question is phrased (and so many others) tells you a great deal about the poster’s mind set and attitude from the get-go. Using the word “SHOULD”. In the great scheme of things, “should” can garner less than the positive results desired. In general, people don’t owe us anything and using the word should or believing that people should do something implies very high expectations that many people don’t share or won’t meet. Even if they agree with you in theory. The believe in should and the rampant usage/prevalence often also leads to a false sense of entitlement (on the part of both men and women)> And it also often makes something a “have-to” rather than a “want to” which is rarely as beneficial as doing something of your own free will because it is how you feel rather than dictated as a mandate by someone else, by culture, society or whatever. In any event, where there is a should there really should (yeah, I know ; ) ), be a caveat following close behind. Would and could are usually the same.
But if someone does do something for you, being gracious and acknowledging the gesture is the right way to go. If you are lucky, the gesture is genuine and the person will permit you to receive it in your own way rather than in a way they may have preconceived ahead of time.
pericles says
Perhaps it’s because I’m older, but a man brought me a single rose once when we first met and I was charmed. I think a single flower is a very sweet gesture. Not necessary, but very sweet.
Jimmie Lynne says
I’m 27 and I’m not what you would call a girly girl. I’m into computers, video games, sci-fi, and rock concerts, but when a guy buys me flowers, even if it is on the first date, I am ECSTATIC. Yes it’s a little old fashioned, but it’s also really sweet. I have a lot of masculine hobbies and therefor a lot of guy friends. I get so sick of guys who try to “play it cool” and keep it vague to avoid outright rejection. Is it a date? Is it a friendly get together? Is it a guy friend trying to figure out if he can just get in my pants without having to commit? Flowers send a DEFINITE message. “I like you. Please like me too.” Flowers make me feel special and appreciated. I once had a guy special order a dozen roses and have them shipped across county in a refrigerated truck because they were the only florist he could find that watered white roses with food coloring to give them interesting colors. Let me tell you, nothing says, “I know who are and I’m not just interested in your breasts” like a dozen blue roses. (blue is my favorite color) I think I nearly cried with happiness. He and I met online, and this was before we ever met in person. We ended up dating for eighteen months.
Nelly says
I love receiving flowers but not on the first date. It is very sweet of him but I would feel uncomfortable and pressured especially if I’m not interested in him….I would feel a little guilt for not wanting to go on a second date with him.
hunter says
I went to meet a woman, for the first time at a sTarbuck’s coffee shop, with flowers in my hand. I was early for the meeting, sat at a table, set the flowers on the table, and, to my surprise, I had women walk by asking me, what the flowers were about!,,,,,,,,,,I was ready to forget my meeting and go with someone else!……….
Ah L'amoure says
I received flowers on a first date and thought it was absolutely wonderful! The thought that someone had such a high opinion of me that they went to all that trouble really blew me away. I was impressed.
LenMusicMan says
Myself, I like to bring flowers to show that I like the woman. Whether it is on the first date or not, does not matter. Also, I never expect anything in return. Since you can’t make a woman like you, this is just a romantic gesture for me.
What suprises me, are the responses of women that men expect sex when bringing flowers to a lady. This seems to fall under the category, I am trying to buy sex from you. And this seems to fall under the category of a “nice” man with a hidden agenda.
Am I one of the few men left that will give a gift to a woman with no expection of anything in return, other than “thank you”.
A-L says
I suspect that a lot of the men bringing women flowers are not of my generation. Only one guy has done it for me on a first date, and I thought it was very sweet. I thanked him and had zero expectations that he was going to get anything extra for it beyond that. At the end of the date when he pulled out a pink Care Bear of his car (he’d actually written my name on the bear’s tag, so he’d planned it out), I thought it was way too much and felt uncomfortable. But flowers by themselves? Go for it, if it’s an evening date. If it’s a more casual or daytime affair, a single bloom will have the same heart-melting effect.
Kyle says
I’ve been looking for suggestions on flowers and have seen that the dialogue surrounds the first date. I’m not comfortable giving flowers on a first date for many of the reasons mentioned here, but what about the second date?
The conclusion I’m coming to is there isn’t much that can be gained. I would think many women would see it as ‘sweet’ but you run a serious risk of appearing desperate or too much too soon. It seems to me the best approach early on is to just appear genuinely interested while I get to know her too – if it becomes something, maybe flowers are perfect for a 1 month ‘anniversary’ date.
Any suggestions here?
Send inexpensive flowers says
Personally, it’s no big deal if a guy gives flowers to the girl on their first date. It’s part of being a gentlemen and showing sincerity to the girl. Just my two cents. 🙂
-ashliana-
vino says
“Should Men Buy Flowers or Gifts for Women on First Dates?”
Never.
Michael says
Except, under a limited set of circumstances, maybe a Trojan.
Jennie says
While I prefer traditional roles in a m/f relationship, I find flowers on the first date too much – especially, if you only talked to him vis email. I was on the fence as to whether or not my attraction/like a guy and he showed up with flowers on our first meeting. AWKWARD! That made me feel “obligated” to like him when I wasn’t sure. He got mad that I didn’t appreciate his jesture and threw a temper tantrum. After he stomped off, with his flowers, I sat there and just laughed. I think a single “neutral” flower is the only appropriate flower allowed until a couple gets to know each other better.
Lee says
If a woman is freaked out by a man getting her a single rose on a 1st date, then she is definitely not worth pursuing any further. What a heavy financial investment a single rose is (maybe $3)!
Could it be possible that he is thoughtful, gentlemanly and likes her? From my experiences, I’ve had a better chance at a second date with a woman when I’ve given a single rose than not.
I advise against getting a boutique, though.
Joe says
@ Lee 56:
I don’t think too many guys could afford to get a whole boutique for a woman, ever, let alone on a first date! 😉
Jack says
In the internet age, most people do take some time to get to know each other before they meet, usually exchanging quite a few emails and usually they spend quite a bit of time on the phone. So bringing a gift on a first date is sometimes just a nice thing to do, especially if you seem to hit it off. I am a woodworker so I don’t spend any money on her just my time and make something out of scraps leftover from other projects. I wouldn’t do this for everyone I meet. I could care less if it doesn’t go beyond the first date because there are many more fish in the sea…
Donna says
Flowers on a first date is not wrong, nor outdated. The problem is that Evan is too young to understand chivalry and is trying to change society so he doesn’t have to buy people gifts any more. It’s ludicrous.
Evan — Sorry, but flowers don’t weird out a woman.
(I posted this because it was the most ridiculous thing ever. First of all, I’m 39. And my thoughts aren’t about my being cheap – they come from having WOMEN tell me that it’s over-the-top when a guy gives ’em flowers. Maybe you should contact the OP, Donna. Sounds like a match made in cheesy-hell.)
Greg says
Since there’s a chance that women will be creeped out by flowers or a gift on a first date then its better not to buy them. I’ve also come to realize that many people cannot accept unconditional gifts and generosity. If I give a girl something, its unconditional. I do it just to be nice and put a smile on her face, and I don’t expect her to like me. Its like donating to charity, you don’t expect the poor people to pay you back, you just did it to be nice. If you always assume that other people have ulterior motives when giving, it could be that you may be the kind of person tat is only nice when you want something from someone.
Todd Suriano says
Hi im 19 and dating someone and just stumbled upon this site. Ive noticed there are not to many younger people commenting, so i wanted to put my two cents in. I think its actually quite sad that women have become so afraid, of something like getting a rose or a bunch of flowers. Last time i checked flowers show that a man is interested in you. Im talking to all the ladies out there when i say this. Stop being such ungreatful pansies…. if a man gets you some flowers on date thank him and get on with the date.
MoGhazy says
Finally some response of reason!
Nicola says
I’ve had bigger and better things bought for me on a first date (including beautiful flowers) and I think it’s a lovely thing to do on a man’s part.
What ever happened to love and romance?
And just remember, guys:
Fair heart never won fair maiden!
Buy her nice things.. they don’t have to be expensive.. and she’ll love you for it. I wouldn’t want to go out with an unappreciative woman just like I would not go out with a mean man.
Just don’t be too nice all the time or else!
Don says
The expression is, “Faint heart never won fair maiden.”
inertia says
Getting flowers for a woman is NEVER a bad idea. It’s a sweet, thoughtful, charming gesture and I hope that you’d have the manners and grace to show thanks, not disdain, when some one gives or does anything for you. I’m in my early 40’s, so I’m dating men in their mid-40’s to early 50’s … and I would say almost half of them have showed up on a first date (always dinner – by THEIR request, not mine) with something, beautiful bouquets, exotic flowers, sometimes chocolates, one guy made a basket of vegetables from his garden, threw in something for my pet as well. I certainly don’t expect anything on these dates, nor do I expect to be taken to dinner on a first date, … but when they show up with something, I really appreciate the thoughtfulness – the fact that they actually had to pre-plan it, and go out and do something? Sweet. That is not the deal breakers with me. What is the deal breaker is being invited for dinner, expensive restaurant of their choice, and accepting me to pay half (which I always offer and am prepared to do so). I had just been restructured so was unemployed and he, well let’s just had two estates and a barn full of race and polo horses. He also tipped very cheaply (which I privately made up for to our excellent waiter). Rudeness, getting drunk on your first dates, vulgarity, … those are the kind of things that should creep you out. Not someone who gives you flowers. (And boys, if you ARE bringing flowers … or anything else, doing it because YOU want to (and you can afford it), because that’s a reflection of who you are … NOT because you’re expecting something in return).
elli says
Hi everybdy! I am European and I can ´t believe my eyes when I read some of the posts like if a guy brings me sth. on a first date I will think he will want sex, etc. What about looking at it from a brighter side, like he wants to show me that he is a caring man, or he wants to make me feel feminine, or he wants me to feel like a princess? I agree with much what is written in this and other threads but IMHO you guys overcomplicate human relationships!
Fusee says
If the guy has already:
1. Showed interest upon meeting me for the first time
2. Evaluated my interest properly
3. Asked me out respectfully
4. Showed up on time on Date #1
5. Offered to pay for Date #1,
then this is plenty generosity, manliness, and chivalry for me at this point. No need for extra gifts and sweet touches. Keep them for later!
My boyfriend gave me a red rose on Date #4 just before taking me to a nice dance venue. That was the perfect timing in our budding relationship. I now receive a monthly bouquet of fresh flowers. This is also much appreciated.
On Date #1 this would have been too much too soon. I actually had that happen to me once in the past – although it was a simple bunch of Jasmine flowers taken from a bush and a fresh orange – and I felt uncomfortable. It was somewhat sweet but coming from a virtual stranger, a bit too much for my taste. Do not overdo it.
Kathleen says
Id be a little freaked out and embarrassed if a guy brought flowers to the first date. Id be wondering where the closest exit was. It would seem too needy
All I need is his Sexy (hopefully) Self to show up on time and look good.
Lucy says
I really think it’s time to throw out the rulebook and return to simple common courtesy, Whatever I do on a first date is down to my reading of Debrett’s mainly. I make effort in my conversation and interest in that person, which counts for much more than a gift. Personally I prefer men not to buy me a gift for a date because I do not think it’s necessary (what about women buying men gifts?). At the same time, I wouldn’t begrudge a man who did if his heart was in the right place.
Whatever your views on this, it is best to assume good faith until proven otherwise. People have different ways of receiving and expressing love and it is really important that we recognise this difference in each other. If a man buys a woman flowers, it doesn’t mean that he’s clingy. It means it is his way of expressing affection. I’ll always appreciate that gesture for what it is, because there are plenty of men who make less of an effort. Still, as others have suggested, it’s best not to pass it off as a huge deal (otherwise it wouldn’t really come from the heart).
lisalin says
I don’t believe anyone has ever brought me flowers on the first date – but I would like that! But first consider, will I have anyplace to put them right away or will I be dragging them around awkwardly for the evening? Also, a $12 bouquet is more than sufficient for such a sweet gesture.
Janet says
Flowers over a drink in a bar would be really nice. Much more resectful, splitting the first dates dinner/ or going dutch would put no pressure on either party. If there would be a second, third…etc date both parties should have no regrets and be well on their way to either a good friendship or more.
judy says
Flowers on a first date? That’s a very sweet gesture. But I’d far prefer to receive them on a second or third date.
Having said that, I once received a bouquet of Spring daffodils (the very small ones) and thought it was kind.
It’s old fashioned, yes but old-fashioned doesn’t necessarily mean it’s no longer valid. I, for one, love it when a man opens the door for me, helps me put on my coat, etc. These are caring gestures, and it makes a woman feel appreciated.
And…..if anyone is interested, a woman might just feel more in the mood for sex, if he cares enough about these small caring gestures.
If he doesn’t care about my wellbeing, why should I care about his? (Yes, I know I’ll get a few cyber hand grenades for this, but that’s what I think).
Cliff says
I am a guy. Here’s my take. If a woman can’t appreciate the simple gesture of flowers on the first date, then what’s the point of going further? Guys, do it. Just get simple flowers not a stinking bouquet. If she doesn’t appreciate it, you’ll know right away if she does or not, then onto the next.
The whole idea of dating is finding someone who appreciates YOU for who you are. If you are the type of guy who likes to give the woman you’re interested in a small gift on the first date, then do it. No point in dating or trying to date a girl who doesn’t get you. That’s a total waste of time for you and her AND your wallet.
Plenty of fish in the sea fellas.
hunter says
@71cliff
…..”plenty of fish in the sea fellas”……..I agree with you, trouble is, I think, most men don’t know how to get to “many” first dates, so they try to make it work with what they got….
Erik Borgerson says
I’ve known this girl for around 6 years and was going to see her over Summer break. I was going to buy her a single rose to give to her when I see her. I also made a cd for her as well. I wanted to do this because (give her a flower) she’s been through so much this last year and I thought it would put a smile on her face.
Jenn says
I had a guy bring me gifts on the third date, a date which he planned that involved dinner and a show. I thought it was a bit much that not only had he planned a bit of an elaborate date, but then he gave me Christmas gifts on top of it? And I knew one gift wasn’t even obtained specifically for me – he told me it was a souvenir he’d picked up on a trip to Florida earlier in the year, before we had ever met. Now, if he and I had had a funny conversation about Florida or seashells and it had some significance, it would have made sense. As it was, it was totally out of the blue and I was thinking, “Oh, well thank you for this absolutely tacky basket of shells that I have no use for.” It was a nice gesture, but since he had already planned and paid for such a nice date, the gifts were totally unnecessary. I definitely thought he was trying way too hard and any attraction I may have had up to that point took a huge nosedive. I gave it one more date after that night, but it was too late.
Jeff says
There can be exceptions. Once I started texting with someone via an online dating site while I was out of town on vacation. We connected really well while texting and so I picked her up some earrings (nothing fancy at all) from where I was vacationing and gave them to her on our first date when I got back. It went over very nicely. That being said, I generally agree with the author. It’s all about making her feel good and if a gift when you first meet is uncomfortable, which I think it is for most women, then just don’t.
Lynn says
The creepiest first date I ever had was with a guy who showed up at my door with a dozen red roses. It just oozed of desperation. Needless to say that was our FIRST and LAST date. It just seemed like the guy was trying to hard. So my answer is leave the flowers, candy and gift at home.
Ozzy says
After reading many comments on here, I would draw up the following conclusion, and a rather obvious one for those that already knew. Flowers = intimacy and/or closeness. Bringing flowers on a first date, or ANY date demonstrates one thing: commitment. This can be either a good or bad thing depending on the circumstances and how long you’ve known the girl. It’s like some of you said, flowers are welcome on the first date if it’s a guy you’ve known for a while and you’ve had a special connection with; not some dude that you collaborate with on a project or team activity at work. Otherwise, giving flowers to a woman you just met is similar to giving a stranger a free hug: it’s uncomfortable and awkward because there’s no feelings of closeness there. And this is how a lot of people think in our present time, so for those who think giving flowers on a first date is chivalry and a demonstration of being generous, I’m sorry but that IS old fashioned; not saying that it’s bad in itself but thats how people saw this concept decades or even centuries ago. Times changed and now people trust other people less so that is why giving flowers on a first date should be approached with extreme caution.
Hans says
I found this page while looking for general ‘etiquette’ for things to bring on a date. Now I’ve read a couple of blogs and I am very surprised by the general concensus. One thing that stands out is the number of women screaming ‘no flowers!!!’ but then melting 5 posts later when a guy admits he once brought his date something the screamer also liked and it was so ‘thoughtful and sweet’. That’s one.The other thing is, if I go on a date with a girl who I’m particularly interested in, I do bring flowers. For example last Tuesday, I brought this wonderful girl a very small bouquet of tiny, multi-colored roses. She absolutely loved the gesture, even if they were just supermarket flowers. I did it because I am somewhat old-fashioned.. Yes I opened the car-door for her, held the door open, paid for dinner and handed her her coat, but that’s not because I expdct sex, but because I want to showmy appreciation for a fine evening with a fine woman, and what’s wrong with that?!
I understand, flowers and chocolate is creepy, a big bouquet is too much, but a little $ 5 bouquet? How does that hurt?
Hans says
I also think that we can apply the Brad-Pitt-rule here.. If Brad Pitt comes to a first date with a simple little bunch of flowers no lady would ever object.
hunter says
Hans,
..I agree…
Shaun says
Flowers are a symbol of love and affection for significant others, relatives, and close friends. Buying flowers may seem like a good gesture but it implicates a feeling that shouldn’t be there yet towards that person and would be really awkward. You shouldn’t be in love on a first date because chances are you don’t even know her yet unless you have been talking for a while before meeting which is seldom the case. I think flowers are good after maybe 3-4 dates or the second if the first was that phenomenal
Hans says
Shaun, I totally disagree. Flowers are not strictly reserved for a significant other. You bring flowers for lots of occassions. Dinner at your mother’s, your sister’s new job, a female friend who’s sick, even a guy who suffered a loss. There are countless situations where flowers can do what words can not.
That being said, if you go on a date there’s at least a mild interest to get to know the other person. You appreciate their intention and thus you bring flowers, as a small gesture. As pointed out before, not many women will freak out over a small bunch of flowers or even a small bouquet.
By the way! The girl I bought those flowers for; we’re deeply in love and I met her family on Christmas Eve, so there’s to show what a little bunch of flowers can do! 😉
Rob says
I am an old school man that opens doors and pulls out chairs and brings flowers. But on the 1st & 2nd maybe even 3rd its just a single flower n never a rose of any color. Maybe a single daisy or a colored carnation. Nothing overbearing. N cecertinley not $50.00. But I do believe it is a nice and thoughtful way to show up. Along with a smile. And open her door. She will and has loved it.. And if it doesn’t work out and was no connection you aren’t out big money its a couple bucks. But maybe it will brighten her day tomorrow!!!
TooSmart says
Flowers or whatever first gift on a date are too much too soon. Last week I had a date with a guy who brought me chocolates. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I would have felt even more uncomfortable if I had seen that the chocolates were in the shape of a heart (only saw it when I opened the box at home after the date).
Anyway, the date was rather pleasant but I got the feeling that the guy had basically already decided before the date that he wanted a relationship with me and that is exactly the reason why I did not want a second date with him. Too much pressure. I want a guy to get to know me before he decides he wants to be with me.
Well after I turn down a second date he got really nasty with me and send me some hateful text messages in which he used personal stuff that I had told him during our date. So much for chocolates in the form of a heart. If all went according to plan he was nice. The moment it did not, he got nasty.
So no, I prefer no presents on the first date. Let the contact and the relationship develop naturally and organically and give presents as an expression of your connection and love.
Erin says
I think it depends on the situation, iv’e been put in this situation before, the person who I had met for the first time I had been in contact with via text / Email / Skype / Phone for months before hand so we kinda skipped the first-date awkies. I thought it was really sweet, and yes it was a first date. If I had never spoken to the person I would still find it sweet but also slightly off putting.
But hey if a guy wants to show his sweet side who am I to judge?
Joe says
I have recently started talking to a girl. She dated a good friend of mine for years, and he cheated on her. he was inconciderate, never bought her gifts, never took her out, and she was old fashioned in my eyes. A classy woman. So, after not having seen her for 3 years, and after her and my friend being broken up with for 2 years, we came across eachother again. The conversation started off friendly, and she started asking me dating questions. I picked up on this very quickly, and the more we talked, the more blunt she got with her questions about where i was at in life, what i looked for in a girl, ect. Within 2 days of talking, for at least 5-6 hours each day, it seemed like we knew eachother alot better then we ever had. I was singing for her, and within the first week i had sang her 4 different songs. Finnally i stopped beating around the bushes with the questions, and i told her i was interested in her, and asked her if she would be willing to work on that aspect. Of course, the weird part, a 3 way birthday party between myself, her ex boyfriend, and her ex boyfriends cousin was to come up that weekend. He had cheated on her, her boyfriend before him had cheated on her, so i know she can’t be very trusted with guys so far. She asked me if i would tell my friend, and i said i would. i waited for a good moment in the night ( when he got drunk, and started mentioning her from the past) to break the news. immediately he lashed out, saying he would not be my friend if i did that. Next he tried to convince me that we were not right for eachother. Next he tried to convince me how his heart still belonged to her, and he had spent every day for the last 2 years thinking about nothing but her. he had cheated on her, avoided her, ignored her, treated her badly, had never bought her a gift in their time together, and i made it clear to him he did not treat her right, that she did not want to be with him again, and that it is not fair to myself, her, or him for him to not let this go. I told him this chat was over, and he could do as he like, and i would concider his thoughts, but not make my descision off of them. I chose to drop him off at home the next day, and go on my first date with her that night.
I am conservative in heart. I made it clear from the start i want things to go slow. sex right away is not an option, and i am not easy, but i made it clear its something i look forward to, and i am patient enough to wait until i capture her heart first. So, our first date i went to her house, i bought some steaks for dinner. i bought her a single rose. I did not go all out, but i wanted her to understand that I can be romantic, without asking for anything in return and encouraging her to wait, along with myself. She really liked the thought of me getting her a flower. Already i had sang to her, gave her my soul in the form of my voice, so i feel like a flower was an insignificant thing compared to that, but i understand that flowers and gardening are her passion, and i did it as a simple to show her i respect her, and her thoughts. I did it to show i can be romantic, and classy. We cooked, made jokes, laughed, watched a movie, cuddled up some on the couch. Hopefully i did not send her the wrong signal, or look “cheesy” like you guys are saying now. Because if a flower was cheesy, why would she have been trying to see me for days, after hearing my voice sing to her for the first time. Sometimes it is not all about signs here, and even you experts must understand that. Sometimes, even a single gesture can go a long way, and be remembered forever. Every relationship has the chance to fall at the start, wether it be an early flower, no flowers at all, bad sex, dirty house, stinky feet, or whatever may scare someone away. Ive been scared away by many girls. Especually girls who put out on the first date. While i may have just a bit to much to drink, in those instances while out on a first date, and then i am seduced, i usually spend some days thinking, and make the choice that the woman that puts out on the first date is not the one. So, i appreciate you suggesting flowers is to much, but, try to go small, but still show you can care. a single flower will make her smile, it wont be going over the top, and it will show her that even the little things count.
Daniel says
Aren’t social conventions inherently subjective? Why the strong claim that others are out of step with reality? Conventions may interact with objective differences in male and female natures, but this does not mean that people who want to give flowers are out of touch with reality. Nor are they entirely out of touch in with social reality in the contemporary period where a diversity of social niches abound. Perhaps they are unable to accept the “reality”/view of popular culture, however, which have changed dramatically in recent decades. Women have an expanded social role in most western cultures since the invention of contraception (what would women’s right amount to before that invention?). Some men and women reject one or multiple of the ideas behind the 3 waves of women’s rights movements in the last century.
Fortunately for those flower givers, not everyone is socialized to view gifts on a first date as insincere, etc. I wonder if the man mentioned would justify his “outdated” relational convention as being grounded in the nature of males and females. Regardless, social views are apt to change—and not entirely randomly or unconstrained by objective reality, mind you.
Isn’t it quite possible that in two generations this article will be the one out of touch with popular social views?
Interesting comments everyone.
Roger says
What if the flowers are not roses? What about tulips, or daisies, or some other general flower in a smaller dose? I would think that roses are for more intimate/longer relationships, but wouldn’t “neutral” flowers still be okay?
Dalton Betancourt says
I’m going on a first date soon and all I’m gonna do is get her a necklace taker her to the movies maybe spend a few dollars on her at the mall then the second date I’m gonna just go out to dinner or somewhere special then go out for ice cream then on the third date I’m going to get her a giant teddy bear, she loves them.
MoGhazy says
No man or woman can attack a nice guy like that claiming what they doing is wrong!
I have a First date tomorrow, I know her since a while but we talked things out and it IS a first date and I’m taking a rose with me.
Everyone do what they think is right, at some point someone will appreciate their move.
There is no general rule in life, being offensive/aggressive towards an action of kindness and care is just.. wrong.
Canku wicasa says
“As a first-date gesture, it’s antiquated and awkward for the woman.”
To begin, classic gestures are never “outdated.” Just because some lunk-headed Billy Bob doesn’t know how to wear a pocket square doesn’t mean it’s outdated. Further, if the girl you’re taking out feels awkward because she doesn’t know how to gracefully accept a trinket then lose her asap. She won’t be graceful about anything else either. You can pretend like it doesn’t matter til the cows come home, but when she awkwardly embarrasses the hell out of you (like declines to dance with the one who brung her) the light bulb might come on.
The most disappointing part of Mr. Katz’s advice is that he failed entirely to distinguish between a dozen red roses and a small bouquet to diminutively accent her dining table. I know, I know, modern women often don’t have a dining table. So what, modern men sometimes don’t have a car, but how many gals are going out with those guys. “Now, I ain’t saying she’s a gold digga, but she ain’t going out with no broke *igga!” I bet you she’s got a dressing table if she doesn’t have another single piece of furniture in the apartment. If she doesn’t like flowers, dump her, she’s not a keeper. She doesn’t know how to ornament because she too lazy to learn. You say she’s got allergies! Whatever, bull s**t! Ply us with some other desert island excuse to forgo a time honored and tradition.
Finally, what kind of girl is going to think that a insignificant trinket is notification that sex is expected . . . . . when she doesn’t already think as much about spending a couple hundred bucks to take her out in the first place. Paaaaleaseeee!!! The inanity of Mr. Katz’s objection is beyond the pale. To begin with let’s stop trying to bamboozle each other. Anybody that doesn’t recognize sex as the ultimate goal of virtually all dates is pretty nearly brain dead.
Here’s the best advice anyone can give you about dating, don’t waste time on the inferior stock. If you aren’t looking for superior quality then you ought to stay at home and jerk the old, ahhh, ehhh, well, you know what I mean. Dam, save your money for dancing lessons. Then maybe, just maybe you’ll be able to get a date with a girl that isn’t a skank ho. Concentrate on the good stuff, boy, I say, I say, pay attention to me when I’m a talkin to ya. Girls that feel awkward need to invest a little time and effort into shaping themselves up. You say no! Well, why the heck not? I mean if articles for men about dating can be expected to be heeded by men then why can’t a woman be expected to develop a little charm and grace. Learn the skills fellas, practice them on a regular basis, taking short cuts is counter-productive. It’ll get you stuck in a negative downward spiral.
Kyle says
I think the answer varies according to the person. If you have communicated enough to know she loves flowers and is traditional, then a single favorite flower will most likely have a warm reception. I have a date tomorrow that describes the above perfectly. I plan on doing just that.
Sometimes a cheesy gift works. A few days before a date, a coke with her name on it popped out the vending machine. She told me how she always wanted one. I gave it as a gift and she liked it… simple, hokey, and paying attention. It worked.
But pay attention! I gave the same woman a sincere gift on the 3rd date. She traveled all the time and was the president of a sorority, so I got her a $7 travel lock with the sorority emblem…. that ended everything…. why? She said it was way too early for that even though we logged about 20 hours of dates and phone calls. We are now friends. In the end she was unsure about out future. The gift made her feel guilty.
Everyone is different… in the end, be yourself. A traditional guy and girl will like a flower more likely…
Jay says
I bought a lady I met online, Godiva chocolates because she was very sweet every time we talked. It was my way of saying thank you for being sweet and meeting me.
Pie says
Honestly, both people in the text above were stubbornly clinging to their beliefs, so why was the man singled out? Some people like to give/receive flowers on a first date, some do not. Why must one be right and the other wrong? I know men and women from with both perspectives, it’s not exactly good to make the other change their mind. After all, it’s usually just a demonstration of thoughtfulness. Cheesy, but still… To each their own.
Evan Marc Katz says
The man wasn’t “singled” out. The man asked the question, so I answered him.
bob says
2nd date planned and confirmed the very next day!! This gift and timing worked well for me. I took a woman on 1st. We talked about a week over phone,txt,internet. We met for dinner and it went well. We then decided to ride together to a bar to shoot pool for a bit. We both had a great time probably best date I’ve ever had. When we got back to her car, I told her I had a bought a gift to give to her if our date went well, she was very surprised with big smiles. I gave her High quality fruit dipped in High quality Chocolate in a nice box with a little note. Ended up costing me only $13 but it was a total hit and they kisses flew. Guys Had the date gone bad I would have not given her the fruit and ate it myself! Guys give the gift at the end and only if the date goes well. That’s my story do what you will guys but it worked great for me. I’m in my late 30s by the way she mid 30s.
Craig says
As a guy newly into the dating world again, I thought, “maybe I should try this”. But as the first date was approaching, had about a week, I was still debating it, as I am a romantic, but only to the one’s I’ve actually had an interest to. So why would I show this without knowing if I truly actually have an interest with her. I then asked myself the question that answered it all, “what would I do if a girl brought or got me a gift on the first date?”. My answer, its nice, its sweet, BUT the feeling of unwanted stress like, “now I HAVE to like her, cause what kind of person am I if turn down a 2nd date with someone who got me a gift”. Suddenly you’re now feeling that little bit of stress on your date trying to find reasons to like her, instead of genuinely getting to know her and letting the admiration happen naturally. You don’t want to put anyone on a pedestal, because when you do, you’re setting them up to disappoint you. So if you wouldn’t like that pressure on a first date, why put someone else through that. Keep the money in your pocket, and save it for little things for the date. Like a drink or coffee. Go for a walk aimlessly, you may come across something fun to do. Pay if there’s an admission, or walk through an animal farm or zoo, and use some change to get food from the vendor to feed the animals. Then maybe while on the walk, you’ll come across a flower garden, and you’ll learn her favorite kind of flowers. Then if you both found a connection for a more dates, show up the next or 3rd date with a couple of her favorite kind of flower.
Don’t try to force something that may not be there. And believe me, if you didn’t bring flowers, and didn’t get a 2nd date…It was NOT because you didn’t bring flowers.
Julia says
I wish there were more men as that flowers guy. He is dating the wrong girls.
The guy who thinks there should be no flowers probably got used by girls too much.
Jody says
So I’ve read enough replies & I’m ready to reply myself. I’m actually in this situation right now, difference is I know the woman I’m about to take on a date, we have a different bond SO YES she’s going to recieve a SINGLE rose from myself. I do agree that, or well I WOULDN’T give flowers to a woman in which I barely knew on the first date. To whoever need advice or you’re looking for an answer, follow your heart & do what you want. If you’re going to get flowers, get a single rose. Flowers could alter her thoughts in the moment, but you’d feel it in her vibe on whether she found it sweet or not. If she didn’t take positive to the flower(s), reel her back in; she didn’t accept the date for nothing, she’s obviously there for a reason. Take it as a lesson, learn from it & make it the best night possible from there on out so that a second date could be a possibility.
Heidi says
Yeesh. This flowers guys sounds like he cares more about being right than finding love.
Bobby-John Ford says
Yes! Chivalry is not dead, in fact many ‘a women out there pine for a return for such things and uphold traditional values they were raised with. I pull a woman’s chair out, open doors, stand when they return to the table, etc. and I am proud to do such. Just because most modern women don’t agree with you on this, doesn’t mean women dont want this. I have met plenty of women who enjoyed chivalrous behavior and enjoyed the things I did for them.
Trust me, I know when women are trying to use me so please don’t equate my kindness with weakness.
NotsurewhyImcommenting says
I think everyone is different so there is no general rule but as a woman I’d really like it. I’m 29. And I’ve never really gotten flowers. I think it would be super sweet. I saw people talking about $50 roses. That probably is a bit much for a first date but what about a $5 or $10 bouquet of daisies? I’m not sure you should ever spend $50 on flowers. Lol. I’m a romantic but I’m also frugal.
Drew says
Based on all the comments, I guess it would be safe to say that it depends on how the gesture would be acknowledged by your date. Everyone is different and you just need to get to know the person and what they like. If you have talked to someone before meeting them and you get to know them, I don’t see the problem. If it is a random first date after a few emails, then don’t buy anything except for her coffee or meal.
Clare says
This was one of Evan’s answers that I really loved.
Not only because I found the anecdote of the flowers guy at the book signing amusing, but mainly because Evan touches on a much broader aspect of human thinking – the dogged insistence on clinging to one’s beliefs, even when they take you in the opposite direction to which you want to go.
Having successful relationships (not just in dating, but in any area of life) is about finding a balance between you so that you are both on the same page as much of the time as you can be. If you have just met, you are on page 1. Now, if a man (or woman) is behaving as if he were on page 20, he is out of sync with the woman he is on a date with. Furthermore, you can see this plainly written across the woman’s face when you give her the bunch of flowers. She might smile and say thank you to be polite, but you can probably sense her discomfort. Why would a man want to make his date uncomfortable?
It’s analogous to a woman asking a man if he’s dating other women on a first date. It’s not wrong, but it spoils the vibe. It makes him unnecessarily uncomfortable. First dates should be about fun and flirting… they should not be an exercise in navigating awkward situations. I have had SO many first dates that turned into second dates, and hands down what marks a good first date (in my opinion) is feeling like you’re on the same page because that’s what allows you to bond.
Nissa says
I see what you mean. I was thinking about this the other night when I had another volunteer, a girl in her 20’s, at my spiritual center plop down in my client chair and tell me about her situation – a man she felt really connected to, wasn’t interested in her. I gently tried to explain that what she was describing was very one sided with this gentleman 15 years her senior (both her parents have passed on), and how she might have more success with people her own age. One of the things she said to me was:” I tend to want to be around older people, women who are more like mothers, like you”.Now, I immediately thought of my own picture of mothers – old, frumpy, controlling, and unsexy. Not how I think of myself at all. Then I realized, that she was thinking of a lot of other motherly qualities: warm, open, nurturing, gentle, and kind. (Not because I have an overly inflated sense of self, but because she sought me out and kept talking to me).My point here is, that if we give the other person the benefit of the doubt, even if they communicate in a way that isn’t the most understandable to us, if we look for the intention of the word or act, it can bypass the negative.
TS says
I had a co worker female friend who I had known for years and I finally admitted to her I had a huge crush on her. She knew me as kind of a player and asshole, but we were friends all the same. When I picked her up for our first date I had one single rose in my car and she had the hugest smile on her face because I don’t think she thought I’d have taken the time to actually do that. But because I picked her up and drove she didn’t have the burden of having to carry a flower around for dinner and later for a movie. I don’t think it’s the needy to make a little bit of effort and have a little traditionalism.
Zach says
I don’t go on that many FIRST dates but I do get plenty of second and so on. I am a bit old school like the guy in the story.
I feel flowers are a nice gesture but shelling out for a bouquet of roses is over the top. Instead I suggest what has worked for me. A single flower grouping. Never more than $10 spent. Forget all the wrapping and fluff. Or if you can pick a few wild flowers on the way to pick her up.
To me it is cheeky and old school yes, but it says more about your intentions and your upbringing. Be a gentleman. If what she wants is not a gentleman who is going to do those little things like buy flowers and open doors then you’ll know without blowing a bunch up front.
Ryn says
It’s sad that women believe that flowers or any nice gesture mean more then simply a nice gesture. I never buy them for a first date, but I would like to. Women just shun it for the small number of men that expect more. Instead they don’t realize that a majority of the guys that don’t want to buy you flowers are the ones that expect things out of you. Oh well, society just makes it harder and harder for women to tell the difference between someone decent and someone that isn’t. Not only that, but like myself, many men have decided it’s better to treat a woman with little respect in the beginning because women seem to stick with a guy better that does that. Being a decent person gets you no were anymore cause women are so removed from the reality of how men think.
Lady in red says
I appreciate flowers… even just a rose… often my dates say… i will be the man holding the rose.. so i know its him when we meet up. I would be sad if my date wasnt masculine enough to treat me like a lady . A single rose is $3.99 at the grocery store. It isnt much money lol. Its the thought and its a tradition in my culture.
Kk says
Damn y’all are really intense in the comments. I’m a southern belle so maybe my perspective is different. I do get the whole “I have to carry them around” thing. But what if it’s a dinner date? I met a guy online and we were really vibing. When we met up outside the restaurant before going in he presented me with flowers and I thought it was the kindest thing. I’ve never received flowers from any one. However I know from talking with him that he is that type of guy. Very chivalrous and loves celebrating all people and making them feel special etc. but now y’all got me thinking lol….maybe I should be concerned.