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It’s a personal decision of course, but a tough one at that. Some of the pick up artists tell students not to offer to buy a woman a drink in a bar, for a couple reasons (and I agree): First, some women just freeload, take the drink, and walk away (and do this all night to guys). Second, the pick up artists tell students the woman has to EARN the drink first (meaning she has to display that she is sincerely interested in the guy as well).
By the same token, I’m beginning to wonder if the woman has to earn the flowers/candy (whatever) first before just giving them to her on a first date or in an attempt to get a date with her altogether. Meaning, if the first date goes well, perhaps the better time to spend hard earned cash on flowers or candy is on the 2nd date.
After all, many a schmuck (myself included) has bought flowers for a woman, either having them delivered to her office BEFORE the guy even asks her out, or brings them on the 1st date, only to not have the hoped for romance go anywhere, and then feel like a loser for blowing $50 on flowers on top of the dinner.
Any advice on this? Thanks.
Justin
Dear Justin,
Years ago, I gave a speech following a book signing for I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book. Afterwards, a nerd in his early forties approached me, agitated. He was hung up on the flowers question as well.
“I don’t understand,” he bellowed, “It’s good manners to give flowers on a first date. My father courted my mother that way. I don’t see what’s wrong with it.”
“It’s just a little too much,” I replied, diplomatically. “It’s a nice gesture…once you’re already in a relationship. But as a tool for wooing a woman, it can come off as a little cheesy.”
“Since when has chivalry become cheesy?” the man said, even more agitated. “I’m trying to demonstrate that I’m a thoughtful, generous man, and she’s judging me negatively for it? I don’t understand that kind of thinking.”
And he didn’t. Like most people on most issues, he was hard-wired to believe one thing, and was resistant to the possibility that he was wrong.
“Even if I agree with you in principle, sir,” I chimed in, “it doesn’t really matter. If you give flowers to every woman on the first date, and every woman agrees that it’s an over-the-top gesture which has been outdated for thirty years, why are you still fighting it? Instead of trying to convince womankind that they need to re-evaluate what’s comfortable, why don’t you just change tactics?”
He paused and took a deep breath. He looked me right in the eyes.
… “Because I am right. Because there are right ways of doing things and the wrong ways of doing things. And you’re never going to convince me that giving flowers on a first date is wrong. Just ‘cause every woman says that I’m too old-fashioned doesn’t make her right.”
And he stormed out of the book signing, stubbornly clinging to his beliefs, decidedly likely to ruin another first date with another bouquet of roses.
If you’ve read this far, you can probably see the error in this man’s thinking. It’s not that his heart was in the wrong place, or even that he was being illogical. Giving gifts to women IS generous and thoughtful and kind. The problem is that, as a first-date gesture, it’s antiquated and awkward for the woman. Which renders it ineffective. Which means it should be retired. And yet this guy is holding on.
So ask yourself what behaviors or beliefs YOU have that are out of step with reality:
Are you a guy who thinks that women should split the bill?
Are you a woman who thinks that your great date actually meant something?
Are you a woman who thinks that a guy should take down his profile once he starts dating you?
If so, you’re just like the flowers guy. Your mindset may be fair, but it’s not working effectively for you.
Understand the way others think instead of trying to convince the world to come around to you, and you’ll have a lot more success in dating.
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