The Most Important Quality Men Value in Women


Do you remember what it’s like to be in an exciting new relationship?

You’ve got this electric chemistry and everything’s going swimmingly.

He calls you every day.

He introduces you to his friends.

He talks about making vacation plans in the future.

In only a few weeks together, you feel like this was meant to be…and your mind goes wild with the possibilities.

You can’t help yourself.

You think about him at work.

You text him on the way home from work.

You daydream about what life will be like when you’re married.

And then it ends. Abruptly. Without explanation.

The problem is that — in relationships with flawed humans and flawed communication — the truth is often really hard to find.

You’re blindsided. And you want answers. I don’t blame you.

I’ve been in the exact same position and I wanted answers, too.

The problem is, you can never get them from your ex.

That’s why I wrote, “Why He Disappeared.” As a male dating coach who specializes in helping women understand men, I have compiled all the answers for you.

Click here to get clarity and closure on all of those past relationships.

You’ve gone through the pain and confusion that comes with breaking up. Maybe you made peace with the past, maybe you haven’t.

But if you’re anything like me, you’re constantly seeking the truth.

The problem is that — in relationships with flawed humans and flawed communication — the truth is often really hard to find.

The good news is that, in this blog, you’re going to learn one of the main truths that women go their whole life without learning.

I first realized that this truth was a revelation after giving a speech to a group of 100 singles, aged 25-40.

My speaking engagements are always fun, with lots of laughter and crowd participation. But every night has its surprises. And this speech provided a revelation.

Despite the raucous laughter and the nodding heads, there was one time that you could hear a pin drop.

It was when I was talking about what men REALLY want out of women.

It’s different than what women want out of men.

You assume that because you value certain traits in men; men value the same thing in women.

In general, women want men to be leaders. They want someone tall, masculine, intelligent, and decisive. They want him to be a passionate captain of industry —   a man who can hold a room with his charisma, tell a story that makes your sides split, and can bring home the bacon as well.

That alpha male is very attractive and most women are attracted to him.

The glitch is that this man is not looking for a woman who’s just like him.

And THAT’s the big blind spot for many intelligent, successful women.

You assume that because you value certain traits in men; men value the same thing in women.


It’s not that intelligence, money, and leadership are unimportant to men; it’s that they place a distant second compared to the most important trait:

How you make him FEEL.

That’s right. It’s not your list of credentials that impress men — it’s how they feel about themselves when they’re with you.

So if your greatest strengths are your intellectual curiosity, your tenacity at work, and your ability to analyze and debate your stance on every issue under the sun, you’d definitely be the person he wants to HIRE.

But who does he want to date?

The woman who asks him about himself.

The woman who laughs at his jokes.

The woman who doesn’t give him a hard time about hanging out with his friends.

The woman who trusts him.

The woman who is up for anything on the weekends and everything in bed.

The woman whose default setting is happy, not stressed/angry/anxious.

Simply put: if he feels GOOD about hanging around with you, he’s going to want to hang around with you forever. But if you think that he’s going to be drawn to you for your ACCOMPLISHMENTS — your degree, your job, your home, your impressive hobbies — you’re really missing something fundamental to men.

The great thing is that this is something you can shift TODAY.

Just by understanding that men like to FEEL good — not emasculated, not second guessed, not browbeaten — you can become the ideal girlfriend instantly.

Imagine if a man were to become the ideal BOYFRIEND. What would he have to do?

Make plans in advance.

Pick up the check.

Call every day.

Leave his weekends open.

Talk openly about commitment, family, and future.

Simple stuff, huh? Yet most men fall short, don’t they? It’s because they either don’t KNOW how to be better boyfriends or they don’t CARE.

Just by understanding that men like to FEEL good… you can become the ideal girlfriend instantly.

I can’t say whether you care about being a better girlfriend, but now you’ve got no excuse. You KNOW what men want.

How good are you going to be at giving it?

I talk about this extensively in Why He Disappeared — how you can be smart, strong and successful and still be easygoing and nurturing.

It’s not a contradiction — no more than it’s a contradiction for a busy entrepreneur to be emotionally available or a charismatic alpha male to be a good listener.

However, you might notice that men who are consumed with their careers are not always available, and men who are charismatic often like to hear themselves talk.

I can’t make a guy into a better listener; but I can share subtle ways in which you can make men feel better when they’re around you.

To learn more, click here.

Thanks for reading, as always. Can’t wait to show you a new path to love.

Join our conversation (100 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 21

    Emma 14
    But don’t men feel good when they are with an accomplished woman?
    Not necessarily, at least not this man.   I enjoy the company of date when she is physically attractive, is easy to talk to, interesting to talk to and easy to joke with. I couldn’t care less about her resume.     Like Evan wrote, what women want in men isn’t necessarily what men want in women.     Surprise, the way women view the world isn’t the world, it is their view of the world.

    1. 21.1

      true. I could care less about her accomplishments. she COULD be VERY smart…

      is she smart enough to be fit and healthy? is she smart enough to understand the importance of beauty to a man? is she smart enough to understand most men – with thier shit together – want a beautiful, fit woman by Our sides?

      Well then, the rest is an afterthought! be pretty. be nice. be loyal. keep your man. easy.

      1. 21.1.1

        Beauty should be seen from the start. this is likely to be understood as being like a gaping fish which is not the case. It’s about the comfort and excitement you get.

  2. 22
    Karl R

    Emma asked: (#14)
    “But don’t men feel good when they are with an accomplished woman?”

    Two or three years ago I dated a very accomplished woman. She was in her mid 30s, a MD, a researcher and an instructor at a prestigious medical school. She’s one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met (for example, she entered college at the age of 16).

    In addition, she’s fit, attractive, outgoing, and a wonderful person in general. She’s even a very good dancer.

    But her life/work balance is completely skewed towards work, and most of her remaining time is tied up with other commitments. If I left her a message, I might hear back from her in a few days. I quickly felt like dating was an afterthought in her life.

    So I didn’t feel good. I felt like I was an afterthought to her. I left that relationship with no regrets.

    She’s a wonderful woman, but a lousy girlfriend.

    If I have to decide between an average relationship with an amazing woman or an amazing relationship with an average woman, I’ll go with the amazing relationship.

    1. 22.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Thanks, Karl. It’s like I don’t even have to explain myself, because you’ll do it for me.

  3. 23

    Thanks Evan for putting this post up.   I also agree with what Karl just said:   I’d rather have an amazing relationship with an average man than an average relationship with an amazing man.  

  4. 24
    Ms V

    Karl R…. Thanks for the insight.   I’m early 30s and I own a business.   I always return calls, texts, emails etc per Evan’s advice to mirror a guy.   I try to keep my schedule flexible to make time.   But, the reality is being a business owner is a turn off for most guys.

  5. 25

    #25   Ms. V

    Sounds like we’re coming back to the argument that men don’t like accomplished, successful women, i.e. I own my own business, I’m CEO of a large company, I’m an Olympic athlete.   I sincerely do NOT believe that is the case for a mature man of high character.  

    Sometimes we just haven’t met the man who is a good match for us, sometimes we do things consciously and/or unconsciously to push a man away.   It’s a matter of figuring that out for ourselves, to know that we are presenting  our best selves–to focus on the things we can control  and then have faith that the love vibes (for ourselves and others) that we’re sending out will come right back at us when it’s our time.

    It might also be helpful to reread Evan’s Q & A which started this train of posts.   He says nothing about a woman’s looks or career or anything like that…he talks about how she makes him feel.   That has nothing to do with her being a CEO, athlete or business owner.

  6. 26
    Karl R

    Ms V said: (#25)
    “But, the reality is being a business owner is a turn off for most guys.”

    You’re completely wrong.

    Being a business owner is nearly  irrelevant to most men. It’s definitely less relevant than your cup size (and I’ve dated women from A to I).

    I remember going on a date with a business onwer. While on that date, I didn’t feel like a guy on a date with an attractive woman. I felt like a job applicant being interviewed for a position at her company. And feeling like an interviewee … that was a turn-off.

    It’s like the  men who believe that women are turned off by men who are “too nice”. The women are turned off, but “nice” isn’t the problem. And as long as you’re convinced that being a business owner is the problem, you  will continue to ignore any genuine turn offs.

  7. 27
    Harriet Bond

    Great to see a blog written by a man for women!!! Will be reading this one lots and directing my friends and female PI clients to it too!

  8. 28

    Karl is right (in #27).   We don’t care if you own a business, are a CEO, or are an Olympic athlete.   We do care how you make us feel when we’re with you.

  9. 29

    I will say that I think this post makes great sense.   Many of the comments that ensued don’t seem to be, however, from people who actually understood the point.
    I will say that I prefer being with a woman who I feel is my “equal” — insomuch as she is on my level of intelligence, career-minded (not a high school dropout working at McDonald’s), common interests, etc. — but then again, total “equality” is a little bit impossible if we’re being technical.   Women and men definitely think differently.   We can never be “equals” in the sense that we don’t really seem to want the same things… not everything.   I will concede that it makes sense that I want someone who will make me feel good about myself and my accomplishments.   The opposite will make me go away.   If you want to drive your man out the door, make him feel like he’s no longer king of your castle.   It’s very easy for women (and men) to do/say things that they interpret differently from the way they are received — purely based on the sexes and how our brains work.   If you call me every half hour to “check up” on me (because you miss me that much, for example), I’m likely to interpret that as a) clingy b) jealous or c) distrusting.   If you are exhibiting either combination of those three traits in copious amounts (half hour check-ins is rather much), you are not going to come across as the best partner, even if your interpretation is that it’s a display of affection, of just how much you want me.   If you are too clingy, it feels like we’re dating a pet that we have to constantly make sure is okay.   If you are too jealous, we’re worried you’re going to melt down and accuse of of things we should at least get to do if we’re already guilty of them.   And if you’re too distrusting, well… you have issues we can’t overcome because you don’t trust us, despite not having done anything (yet) to lose it.   If your last boyfriend, or worse, last five boyfriends all cheated on you, I can feel bad for you, but don’t blame me for their mistakes — and don’t expect/anticipate it from me either.   I’m not them.
    That being said, we’re actually pretty easy to please, for the most part.   We honestly don’t want to be talked down to or berated over the littlest of things.   We wouldn’t mind a little freedom now and then to hang out with friends without you thinking we’re cheating on you or that we’re jerks because we don’t want to spend ever minute of every day with you.   We don’t want to hear nagging or too much emotional baggage.   We’re not women.   We’re men.   If you can’t give in to our quirky, tech-obsessed, sports-loving, illogical, horny, possibly-perverted, sexist ways, you’re fighting an unwinable battle.   Just like we don’t expect to find a woman who won’t be an emotional rollercoaster at least some of the time, also illogical, sometimes jealous, likely less horny.   We can’t both be right.   The point is that unless you are willing to let us be men, you will probably scare us away at some point, especially because we’re unlikely to talk about it because we don’t talk about stuff like that.   If you are willing to let us be men, we’ll adore you for it and probably won’t even be able to verbalize why.   You’ll get more of what you want by letting us have what we want.   But, unfortunately, it probably has to start with you because — well, we’re men!

  10. 30

    Great points Damian…

    I’d love to hear about what you do as a man in an ‘equal’ relationship to meet the women’s instinctual feminine needs?

  11. 31

    What — me?   I’m a man!   I don’t do anything… although that could also explain why I’m single!   LOL
    But, seriously… I don’t know if I can specifically put my finger on things I do or don’t do to meet a woman’s needs.   I’m sure there are many ways in which I could improve.   I would say that something I consciously do is try to listen without reacting.   My normal tendency is to try to fix things or react to what’s being said, but I’ve noticed that women tend to like to just vent more than anything and are just happy that you’re there for them when they need to do it.   They often don’t want or need you to react, or to attempt to “solve” anything, which is counter-intuitive, at least for me — because I tend to think that if you’re complaining about something, it’s for the sake of seeking change.   I figure, if you’re complaining about it to me, you must want my help fixing it.   But that’s not always true.   Weird.   Illogical.   Roll-my-eyes-boring!   You mean you’re complaining just for the sake of hearing yourself complain about it — and it makes you happier because you can drag me along for the ride — because misery loves company? There are plenty of times where I don’t want to hear it, but that’s why it’s a compromise.   Some of the stuff you’ll hear is just utter nonsense (from a man’s perspective) — but it could be the most important thing in her life right at that point, so I just let her have her moment with it.   I’m sure there’s plenty of crap she chooses to put up with that she thinks is equally nonsense or boring.   It’s usually well worth it to just shut up and listen, acknowledge the vent from time to time, and seem genuinely interested/affected.   Something I’ve realized is that, while men and women both want what matters to them to matter to others… I’ve noticed that women, in general, seem to need validation all the freakin’ time.

    1. 31.1

      Damien lol! You are a man!! You hit it on point of how to understand men- Alpha men :))

  12. 32

    🙂   Damian, ‘just a man’

    I give you a lot of credit and am impressed  for recognizing one of a  women’s needs (listening)  and for wanting to learn more and do better.    

    If a woman needs validation all the freakin’ time, she has confidence/maturity issues.   BTW, this neediness is not only reserved for women, it’s just your view.     Plenty of men out there that are super needy as well.   THAT is tiresome.

    I think if you keep this equation in mind, it might help ‘explain’ women.   (We are much more complex then men,  this is true.   We’re also more ‘capable’ in more ways then men.    Men and women  each fill an important role.)

    Femininity (passion for themselves, their man and life) = Obtaining men’s resources   (listening, labor, humor, affection, attention, money) + Purpose greater than self

    So you’re listening DOES mean a lot in regard to having us feeling feminine and therefore passionate.   Keep in mind though, that none of these things come at the expense of your boundary.   So listening endlessly to someone dump their problems and negative energy on   you is well beyond the ‘call of duty’.  

  13. 33

    “If you can’t give in to our quirky, tech-obsessed, sports-loving, illogical, horny, possibly-perverted, sexist ways, you’re fighting an unwinable battle.”

    Ah, men…..I love them all!! 😉 So true, Damian.

    Men and women ARE, indeed, wired differently.  If we can start with *acceptance* of our partner and their unique differences —   we’re 2/3 the way to success, right there.

  14. 34

    #34 Gem

    Well said and couldn’t agree more!

  15. 35

    My boyfriend of one year says that I make him feel loved, cherished, adored, protected, and accepted for who he is. that I’m the best girlfriend that he’s ever had. He also stated that he loves me, is in love with me, I’m a wonderful girlfriend, we have a high degree of compatibility, and that he doesn’t want to date anyone else.
    However, when I asked him – after one year of dating – if he felt that marriage was in our future (in the past, he would tell me that although we are not ready for marriage yet, we are dating with that goal sometime in the future), he said he was not sure if he wanted to marry me. When I asked him why this was his response:
    “I know that it’s wrong to compare, but I don’t feel the same degree of intensity for you that I felt for my last girlfriend. I know that was an unhealthy realtionship   but I do not feel the level of intensity that I felt for my ex-girlfriend. Now, I don’t need to feel that same level of intensity because that was unhealthy, and I do feel a certain amount of intensity and passion for you, but I am not sure that I feel a high enough degree of it in order to want to marry you.”
    You see, he feel head over heals in love   with a woman who did not love him, but would criticize him and tell him that he was too weak, too short, etc. When she dumped him after 8 months of dating, idealizing her, he continued to pursue her. trying to change himself in order to please her and get her to love him back. When he started to back off, she would encourage him by acting as though she wanted him back, and the cycle would begin again. As a result, there was a level of intensity that he felt from that experience and he now uses that -to a certain degree – to determine the degree of his love for me.
    He said that intuitively, he felt that our relationship would be sustainable over the long haul, and that even if he would have ended up with the ex-girlfriend, there were red flags that he overlooked, and in the long run it would not have lasted.
    The lesson that I’ve learned is that it doesn’t matter how wonderful you make the man feel, or if you have a high degree of compatibility – what matters is how passionate/intense their feelings are towards you.
    P.S. I downgraded the relationship to friendship status, in order to make the transition from lovers to friends, we are taking some time apart. AND he is going to counseling to try and figure out and resolve his issues.

  16. 36

    Regina 36, thank God for your last paragraph. All the while I was reading what you wrote, I kept thinking: “Break up with this fool! He doesn’t deserve you!” And it sounds as though that is what you have done. Smart woman. If he doesn’t have the ability to learn from past mistakes, and if you are as kind and easygoing as he says you are, then you deserve a better relationship.
    Don’t just sit there waiting for him to finish counseling. Go out and have great times with other men.

  17. 37

    #36 Regina

    WOW, I can’t believe this man was intuitive and thoughtful enough to express all of this to you!   I’m impressed…

    Things didn’t work out the way you wanted; it sounds like things he need to work through.   It sounds like he’s a bit immature not understanding the difference between negative energy/drama and  a relationship where that doesn’t exist.   Good for him for getting professional   help to work through that.

    It also reminds me of Evan talking about the experience with his wife, wondering if she was the one he wanted to marry given the differences they had and that she may not have been his ‘ideal’.   Ultimately, she made him feel good, was mature, grounded and centered, and eventually won his heart–he knew he would not be able to find someone who treated him better or made him feel better (hope I paraphrased my understanding correctly!).   It took Evan some time, perhaps some maturing, but he got there.

    Not saying that will happen here, but that’s what I thought of when I was reading   your post.

  18. 38

    #37 Helen

    I think it’s better to be sympathetic to other humans as they travel their path in life.   Most times, someone else’s path is not our path.   It’s so easy to dismiss people.   I give this man a lot of credit.

  19. 39

    Thanks for this post, Evan. I’ve always wondered why i couldn’t attract a guy and could never pinpoint the difference between me and my happily attached girlfriends. Your post really cleared this up for me…’cause I now realise my girlfriends are fully capable of being supportive to their man and also following a man’s lead. Thus far, I’ve been pretty negative towards men, and I am guilty harbouring this hurtful and ultimately self-defeating belief that all men who are less than perfect are ‘losers’..not working out for me so far.
    But now that my eyes are open to what men really want from a woman, I’m ready to give it a shot and see where this paradigm shift takes me. Thank you so much Evan! (I’m 25 and have never been in love before)

  20. 40

    I don’t disagree with a lot of the article, but it seems to me that the author has little understanding of what women might want from men. Women want alpha males who pick up the tab all the time…etc…all stereotypes.

    Maybe very young women (up to age 25) fit the stereotype- when they’re learning about what life is all about.. but really? We all want alpha men with strong jaws and high testosterone levels? lol…

    IMO men and women want a lot of the same things- we ALL want to be with someone who makes us feel good. Maybe I’m an anomaly amongst women, but …how I feel around the guy is paramount to me. No, I don’t either want to be criticized, judged, second guessed, etc… I want to be around someone I feel okay with. That I feel good around.

    That’s pretty much it. It’s hard for me to imagine feeling good around an alpha male that I dont’connect with.. one whose company I don’t feel comfortable in.. etc. I  don’t like passiivity particularly but nor do I like alpha dominant behaviour- it disconcerts me.   I have a lot of male friends who I have a little or a lot in common with- and sure that’s more of a non-issue with platonic friends. But with a partner.. bottom line is I want to feel good in their company. Not poked, prodded, or whatever.. just okay to be.

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