The Most Important Quality Men Value in Women

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Do you remember what it’s like to be in an exciting new relationship?

You’ve got this electric chemistry and everything’s going swimmingly.

He calls you every day.

He introduces you to his friends.

He talks about making vacation plans in the future.

In only a few weeks together, you feel like this was meant to be…and your mind goes wild with the possibilities.

You can’t help yourself.

You think about him at work.

You text him on the way home from work.

You daydream about what life will be like when you’re married.

And then it ends. Abruptly. Without explanation.

The problem is that — in relationships with flawed humans and flawed communication — the truth is often really hard to find.

You’re blindsided. And you want answers. I don’t blame you.

I’ve been in the exact same position and I wanted answers, too.

The problem is, you can never get them from your ex.

That’s why I wrote, “Why He Disappeared.” As a male dating coach who specializes in helping women understand men, I have compiled all the answers for you.

Click here to get clarity and closure on all of those past relationships.

You’ve gone through the pain and confusion that comes with breaking up. Maybe you made peace with the past, maybe you haven’t.

But if you’re anything like me, you’re constantly seeking the truth.

The problem is that — in relationships with flawed humans and flawed communication — the truth is often really hard to find.

The good news is that, in this blog, you’re going to learn one of the main truths that women go their whole life without learning.

I first realized that this truth was a revelation after giving a speech to a group of 100 singles, aged 25-40.

My speaking engagements are always fun, with lots of laughter and crowd participation. But every night has its surprises. And this speech provided a revelation.

Despite the raucous laughter and the nodding heads, there was one time that you could hear a pin drop.

It was when I was talking about what men REALLY want out of women.

It’s different than what women want out of men.

You assume that because you value certain traits in men; men value the same thing in women.

In general, women want men to be leaders. They want someone tall, masculine, intelligent, and decisive. They want him to be a passionate captain of industry —   a man who can hold a room with his charisma, tell a story that makes your sides split, and can bring home the bacon as well.

That alpha male is very attractive and most women are attracted to him.

The glitch is that this man is not looking for a woman who’s just like him.

And THAT’s the big blind spot for many intelligent, successful women.

You assume that because you value certain traits in men; men value the same thing in women.

NOT TRUE.

It’s not that intelligence, money, and leadership are unimportant to men; it’s that they place a distant second compared to the most important trait:

How you make him FEEL.

That’s right. It’s not your list of credentials that impress men — it’s how they feel about themselves when they’re with you.

So if your greatest strengths are your intellectual curiosity, your tenacity at work, and your ability to analyze and debate your stance on every issue under the sun, you’d definitely be the person he wants to HIRE.

But who does he want to date?

The woman who asks him about himself.

The woman who laughs at his jokes.

The woman who doesn’t give him a hard time about hanging out with his friends.

The woman who trusts him.

The woman who is up for anything on the weekends and everything in bed.

The woman whose default setting is happy, not stressed/angry/anxious.

Simply put: if he feels GOOD about hanging around with you, he’s going to want to hang around with you forever. But if you think that he’s going to be drawn to you for your ACCOMPLISHMENTS — your degree, your job, your home, your impressive hobbies — you’re really missing something fundamental to men.

The great thing is that this is something you can shift TODAY.

Just by understanding that men like to FEEL good — not emasculated, not second guessed, not browbeaten — you can become the ideal girlfriend instantly.

Imagine if a man were to become the ideal BOYFRIEND. What would he have to do?

Make plans in advance.

Pick up the check.

Call every day.

Leave his weekends open.

Talk openly about commitment, family, and future.

Simple stuff, huh? Yet most men fall short, don’t they? It’s because they either don’t KNOW how to be better boyfriends or they don’t CARE.

Just by understanding that men like to FEEL good… you can become the ideal girlfriend instantly.

I can’t say whether you care about being a better girlfriend, but now you’ve got no excuse. You KNOW what men want.

How good are you going to be at giving it?

I talk about this extensively in Why He Disappeared — how you can be smart, strong and successful and still be easygoing and nurturing.

It’s not a contradiction — no more than it’s a contradiction for a busy entrepreneur to be emotionally available or a charismatic alpha male to be a good listener.

However, you might notice that men who are consumed with their careers are not always available, and men who are charismatic often like to hear themselves talk.

I can’t make a guy into a better listener; but I can share subtle ways in which you can make men feel better when they’re around you.

To learn more, click here.

Thanks for reading, as always. Can’t wait to show you a new path to love.

Join our conversation (100 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 61
    steph

    What I find interesting in Evan’s list of what women want in a man is that there is not a single item that mentions how a man should relate to them as a person. It is only how he interacts with the outside world. Conversely, the list of what men want from women only show how she relates to him personally. If a man is not interested in a woman beyond what she does for him, it seems he only wants half of her and she is a burden to him if she exposes him to her life ouside his personal space. And do women make the mistake of considering a man a great catch as long as his public persona is amazing? It is easy to see why they   become disillusioned when they find that the awesome behavior does not carry over to his pesronal life.

    1. 61.1
      Michelle

      This is not the only place I have seen that idea expressed. IMO, both genders would do well to consider a bit from the “other list” so to speak.   A lot of men do treat women like trophies too when it comes to looks/age – arm candy to give them social status. But women can treat men like trophies if they just want him to meet a list of socially impressive traits and place less emphasis on the dynamic between them.

      So  if you want a real relationship based on connection, then man or woman, you should notice  how someone makes you feel AND you should take an interest in who they are.

      It may be true that a man will like us women based on how we make him feel (ie fun, warm, etc), BUT we women should screen  for men who take a personal interest in us as people beyond what we do for him personally. Because that shows he is unselfish and wants to make us feel good too. Who is honestly interested in a man’s business either? Most women like to see a hard-working, financially stable man, sure, but do you really care about the ins and outs of his job?   I generally don’t have an interest in a man’s job, but I will take an interest in what someone else does because I am interested in them as a person – what fascinates them, what they spend their time doing, etc… Men may not choose women as partners based on this, but if they don’t cultivate and display this interest, then  are they making us feel good? If the answer is no, then why would you want to be with that guy? Women need admiration too and if a man cannot or will not provide that, then move on to one who does. That may not be his reason for being with you, but it should be something he can give to you.

  2. 62
    Fromkin

    “if a man is not interested in a woman beyond what she does for him…” :

    Your career and academic achievements are worth talking about over dinner, but dating and interviewing for a job are two different things.   Your resume is required for the one, not the other. The other involves hopping in the bathtub together.

     

  3. 63
    Kat063

    I understood the topic in the same way Damian   explains it. It has nothing to do with equality but the amount of nagging, complaining, bitterness and sarcasm a guy is willing to take (as in NOT!).

    I fell in love with a co-worker (who came on rather strongly), he has a relationship but is obviously attracted. Nothing materialised, I ended up with a broken heart. We still see eachother every day. I had a hard time letting go (still do) but after reading Evan’s blog realise that being nasty about it will only drive him further away. I try not to make him feel bad about it, try to be casual and fun loving as we used to be. he KNOWS I feel rotten, I don’t have to go and explain it. He tries to make me feel a bit better (inspite of) and I try to make him feel good about himself (and not the douche he is).

    I think it works the same if you are in an actual relationship.

    1. 63.1
      Jennifer

      When the article starts with “male as leader”, you can rest assured the advice is not following “equality” standards.

      1. 63.1.1
        judy

        Sorry Jennifer – but much as I hate to say this, men don’t want equals.   They certainly don’t want a doormat either.   Maybe at work, equality standards apply but they certainly don’t at home, or in a loving relationship.

        Women are great at being women and men are great at being men.   It’s when we forget those differences that the trouble starts.

        A certain behaviour (regardless of dress/fashion/income) does attract good men.   If you start as the leader, you’ll have competition between “men”.

        Think about it.

        1. Jenni Lee

          They souls have to compete against women,   so they don’t think they’re superior.

           

          Besides,   is rather be single than secondary.

        2. Jennifer

          Equal relationship should be about compromise,   not competition. Only a man fighting for supremacy would compete.

  4. 64
    Jennifer

    So what if I don’t want a leader man? What if I want an equal relationship?  This whole article is about catering to your leader man.

    Men don’t value women unless women cater to their fragile egos? Give me a fucking break. I’d rather be single.

  5. 65
    FG

     
    I do know men with fragile egos. But is seems they mostly want support as they plow forth doing their thing. Not validation, just support. Men are their OWN validation. Whereas it seems women seek validation from their women friends, from their work environment, and from their male partner as well. A never ending need for reaffirmation, corroboration and confirmation, but watch out should anyone require justification. “Them be fighting words!”
     
    @ Jennifer in 63.1 & 64
    Equality standards? Now you may a female statistical outlier with unusual testosterone level. Possible. So I reckon you asked men out on dates, picked up the tab, pursued with alacrity, but not beyond reason, have a stunning career, a wall full of university degrees, and wrote a few NY Times bestsellers?
     
    Truth? Equal never meant identical. Women can be extraordinary crisis managers, but that means they’re very far from the typical woman psychological pattern. Said pattern is not instilled, environmental, cultural or imposed, it is developmental. See Brizendine’s The Female Brain (she’s a woman, by the way). In a crisis, I take over. Of if somebody else is specifically qualified, and I do hope it is a man in time of crisis, I move aside. There is a reason why women have not been called upon too fill combat roles.
     
    A man leads. If you want to dance alone, feel free! How does he lead? Depends on the man. If you want to play OUR part, please, by all means, remain single.
     
    Can we, should we, do we (as men) appreciate an “accomplished woman”? Firstly, what accomplishments? Are they VALID? Let me be the judge of that! So you got a PhD in Gender Studies. Sorry, in MY view, sounds like Cracker Jack box fluff prize. Verified in the past in two separate cases (one MBA thesis and one actual PhD; really decent high-school work, imho).
    We heard about a CEO business-owner, large company. Is it an accomplishment? I will apply to women the same standard I use for men. a guy I knew owns a large chunk of shares and runs a $5B company. Like many such corporations, it was founded in an earlier time of rapid growth. So he inherited the position. I don’t believe he would have been the type of guy to build such an enterprise, nor would it have been possible in his formative years. My comment does not seek to dis him in any way. Is it an accomplishment? Well, he didn’t sink it, but his father made sure he was well advised. So his position doesn’t strike me as an accomplishment. Steve Jobs? Great accomplishments. See the difference?
     
    Academia may or not yield “accomplishments”. One MD in England (lost the reference, sorry) stated he did not see himself as formidably intelligent, and he felt the same about his colleagues. Doesn’t mean he saw anyone in that group as dumb. Bright,, but not stunningly so! Their shared traits or qualities? Discipline, compliance, conformity, order, procedure.
     
    Money? Perhaps! But our value-set may differ. I my find some obscure musician to be considerably more interesting than Michael Jackson or Miley Cyrus. Yet, these last two topped the charts and raked it in! Project that onto what you are doing: are you a cogwheel or an engine? Would I want to do what you do even for a day? It may pay really well! Then again, it may be brain-numbing to me!
     
    In my view, the most important mission a woman will ever have, if she chooses to have children, is to raise them properly, free of trouble, and bring them to emancipation. Now THAT is an accomplishment.

  6. 66
    Kanga

    All I can say is that after reading here for nearly one year, I have made the definite decision to stop looking and also stop believing that having a mutually satisfying relationship with a man who likes me for me, is possible.   At my age (45-although not many people know this), I’m a dried up old husk to most men – even ones 20 years older.   Also, the minute I introduce them to my beautiful daughters, he will be wanting to sleep with them because men only want youth and beauty and the day I see any man of mine, my age, glance at my beautiful and lovely daughters with a glint in his eyes, it will be over.   I WILL protect my daughters from old lechers and it seems they are ALL old lechers underneath, no exceptions. That is the message I get from this site and comments.   Men underneath think women are good for nothing but cooking and sex and if we are independent we are harsh, cranky bitches.   We apparently don’t or shouldn’t want to make a mark on the world of our own or achieve anything that doesn’t involve bringing up children or supporting a man doing whatever he feels is important to him as a man.   I have ONE life on this planet – I want to do something meaningful outside of having offspring.   What happens when they leave home (two have) and I am left with nothing (I saw it coming and am now on my 3rd degree and living on scholarships while caring for my youngest)? My children are accomplished and emancipated and there isn’t a person who knows me or my children who doesn’t think I have done a fantastic job – but I have more to offer the world.   I want to have achievements as a PERSON on this earth and apparently, there is NO man in the world who would ever see my desire, career or job as important or in need of a soft place to come home to – my job is to make him feel good about himself and then he might pick up the cheque, command a room and allow me to bask in his shadow!! – What he won’t do is make me feel good about myself, bolster my ego, listen to me, be patient and kind – that’s not his job – he just has to be an alpha male to my ego boosting support. Also, I better never nag or whinge – only he can do that because then it will actually be about something real and meaningful – nothing I could possibly do would ever be as meaningful because I’m probably also shallow and just whinging for the sake of hearing myself blather, as most women apparently are.

    I’ve decided after a long deliberation that a relationship is not worth me losing myself or having to protect my daughters 24/7 while a man not related to them is around.   I’m an old washed up haggard whinging witch with no value as a woman and who no man would ever seriously consider if he could get someone younger – I understand. My choices are pretty much a guy who is old enough to wear nappies and even then he will be dreaming of someone else if he could get them. That’s the very clear message I get here and I’m out.   There are better things in life than twisting myself into a pretzel – I’m off to make my (to me meaningful) mark in my corner of the world (and try to keep my daughters safe from men 30-90!!).

    The best gift I can give myself and men it seems, as an older woman on this earth, is to take myself well out of the equation and let the   men my age slobber over girls young enough to be their daughter. I understand it is mens’ biological imperative and they can’t help it and we shouldn’t demonise them for wanting what they want – I get it, already!! You go for it, men!! But it’s over my dead body they are getting to my kids because of it and I won’t allow them to use me as a gateway because realistically they would never really want me for any other reason-if they had a chance elsewhere. I need to face that harsh truth about myself, get over myself for thinking I am anything/anyone and realise my true worthlessness as a desirable partner for any man or even that I could do anything important with my life outside of supporting a man be a man. It doesn’t matter what he says – it is clear what he is really thinking, as man after man has reiterated here. Reading the comments and stories on this site has deeply depressed me and made me abandon all hope (and I have)- BUT it has also made me more determined to be fiercely protective and also a person of substance in my own right and not as a backdrop for someone else’s life. Onwards and Upwards. Good luck, ladies.   and MERRY CHRISTMAS!! 🙂

    1. 66.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      See the Success Stories at the top of the page. Pick up a copy of Believe in Love from the Products page. Stop with the fear and the hyperbole. You have a lot of time before you die; don’t waste it thinking the way your comment would indicate.

      1. 66.1.1
        Jenni Lee

        Yes,   please read how women successfully turned themselves into secondaries,   as they learned their roles as servants to men.

        1. Cathalei

          It’s precisely because of that attitude that you’re complaining, you ostensibly support other women but when they make different choices they are “servants” and “secondaries”. No way they could feel respected and appreciated. Because apparently you know better than them as someone who has Internet. It seems your hatred blinded you to others’ experiences. It’s not because of your work and contributions that people find your stance unpleasant, it’s because you assume deficiency about others. Evan says he doesn’t allow insults but he seems to act more permissive than he says.

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          Evan doesn’t read every comment. But I let your jab at me through, didn’t I?

    2. 66.2
      Jennifer

      Kanga! YOU ROCK!

  7. 67
    anastasia

    I’m tired of hearing this BS about how we should make men “feel”, Pull up your big boy pants and ask yourself as a man what do I have to offer in this relationship? Are you secure with yourself in what you have to bring to the table, as women, We don’t fill in the potholes of your fragile ego, I am responsible for my own happiness and I welcome with open arms someone who will add value to my life, be a responsive, loving, trustworthy and equally giving partner.

     

     

     

    1. 67.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      It’s not BS. It’s EXACTLY what you just said. You want a “responsive, loving, trustworthy and equally giving partner.” So act like one.

  8. 68
    Cathalei

    Evan,

    It was not my intention to jab at you, on the contrary I pointed out how you act more tolerant than you usually state. You freely let the comments that portray you as a slave maker. Though I am still surprised by how determined some are to make straw man claims about what you are saying.

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