Why Don’t Men Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women, Part II

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Perhaps my most popular blog post, Why Don’t Men Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women?, got a comment today that was so well-written, I had to share it with you. I love it when my readers can express my thoughts – because if you ever tune me out when I remind you how to connect with men – perhaps it’ll have greater resonance if you hear it from another woman.

I love it when my readers can express my thoughts – because if you ever tune me out when I remind you how to connect with men – perhaps it’ll have greater resonance if you hear it from another woman.

Enjoy, and have a fantastic July 4th.

Evan,

Boy, does this topic speak to me. A couple years ago I was a careerist hard-line feminist, and a bit of a racist, too: get this – a black woman who would not date black guys, owing to a sexual assault experience back in the Eighties that all black guys should not be blamed for. I have now learned this, after dating some of New York’s most truly wonderful fellows of all races. But I digress.

Anyway, I treated relationships like combat and saw men as my enemies. After all, why not, I reasoned? Sure, they might look at my chest and not my face, but then ignore my of course it’s so jaw-droppingly fantastic resume, fail to be impressed by my oh so glamorous so-called career, take a peek at super career me but then move on – or force me to move them on – to softer, rounder girls whom at the time I considered weaklings, Stepford throwbacks, doormats. And then they would marry these girls!

Why was this happening?

I even poured up a heaping mugful of liquid hate for a very good author who wrote a book attempting to counsel other career girls like myself so we could keep a man interested, and maybe see one fight to snag us. In that article I said some pretty dumb things.

But now flash forward to me a couple years later, happily dating and positively besieged by handsome, smart, funny, available and interested guys. How did this happen? Did I change overnight? Was it moving to New York City where I will admit men are a little more outspoken when interested than in other cities?

Nah; more to the point it was realizing men want different things from a date than women do, and remembering I was a girl, not a boy.

As a date conversation topic, my own career began to bore me. About a year ago, I stopped wearing black suits and pinstripes outside the studio. I started wearing frilly dresses with lace, and wearing more bright colors. I stopped hiding my chest and legs. I took my hair down out of its bun and let it fall on my back and shoulders. But more importantly I think, something within me had shifted. I began enjoying being a girl – a real change for a lifelong tomboy. This resulted in me laughing and smiling more, especially in public; talking a little softer, not using profanity as much, and just softening up inside. I

started noticing I LOVED MEN! Long a feminist, I instead began observing how society is often cruel to little boys and to men, and began feeling sympathy and admiration towards them. Men became my best friends.

I was then positively besieged by men!

On subways. In hallways. At restaurants. Leaving a meeting. Going to one. On W. 47th. On E. 12th. In the elevators. The freight loading docks. The bus. The doctor’s office. Like the song, it began “raining men”!

I’m now dating actively – not aggressively, notice, but actively; I don’t seek out men or dates, they just show up and come to me, and I’m asked out all the freaking time. Now my job is to glow gently, smile, accept, say yes, enjoy, then go home and evaluate. How did I like this date? How did he make me feel? Does he make me smile, make me happy? And men LOVE putting women in the position to ask these things. They perform, they provide, then we sit back and gently, lovingly evaluate. This is the best job ever!

They want to know not whether you are a successful woman, but instead if you are successful at being a woman, and can therefore make him happy as a man.

So this is a long and somewhat rambling note, Evan, to say I stopped by your website this morning to click a topic I would have clicked with a gnarly frown two years ago, looking for yet more “evidence that men do not like a successful woman”.

Today, with a nice date behind me last night and another date scheduled this evening, I can read all this with a smile because I know it isn’t accurate; more accurate is that men care if you are happy with yourself while at your career, not whether you are successful at it. They want to know not whether you are a successful woman, but instead if you are successful at being a woman, and can therefore make him happy as a man.

I have figured this out and offer a really dumb once woman’s apology to all the men I hurt with my actions, the women and men I hurt with my comments, the innocent black dudes who never got a chance with me because I was dumb (see aforementioned really dumb onceness), and to all the readers here wondering when this post will end!

Well, yes it will: right here!

Thanks for a fun website, Evan, men are not the enemy. I get it now.

Heather

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Comments:

  1. 41
    MKL

    @Marianne I completely agree with you. 100% The only reason gender is an issue is because they make it into one. Think of your friends who know who, who you are yourself with. The ones that would have been there for you no matter what. Now change their gender. Would any of their qualities really be different? Now I’m a girl and all of my friends are girls (simply because I went to an all girls school) and honestly, the reasons I like my friends would be the same regardless of whether they were male or female. They are funny, they have my back and they’re real. If we become friends first with individuals and approach from that angle I think relationships would be much more successful! People in love always say their significant other is their ‘best friend’! We need to remember that people are more than their gender. We are individuals and all individuals are very different. You may have people who you don’t like but people like them and they have friends, you wouldn’t get why but they do, because different strokes for different folks! Find the pea that fits your pod! The ying to your yang (this is advice for everyone! 🙂 ) And be yourself. Your job is not the best part of you! How much you make is not the best part of you! Your personality is the best part of you! So let people see it! Don’t talk about your dog, cat, fish or horse! Talk about yourself and ask about the other person and just find common interests. There is no gimmick and it’s nothing like men don’t like smart, strong, successful women. Its that PEOPLE don’t want to attend a business seminar! They want to get to know you. If you go on a date talking about what you think is the best thing in your life: your job…then you shouldn’t be spending your free time dating, you should be getting hobbies and other things you like to do. Now look, you have an interest you can discuss with someone else!

  2. 42
    Ray

    There are just so many very high maintenance women out there nowadays as it is which is the real problem since many of these women think there all that,   and it is all about Money for them.

    1. 42.1
      hunter

      ..I agree with you, most of those women, come from small towns, and they have worked hard to be where they are at…..I see nothing wrong there….

  3. 43
    RedHedKT

    So, to answer an earlier letter, yes, men really are THAT insecure. Ugh. Such delicate little flowers…..Might as well be a single mom instead of a wife to a man like that…it’s the same thing.

    1. 43.1
      Lin

      I agree, since I started dating I noticed this also. So much men with baggage! I’m not doing this bc my ex did this/that to me, victim-mentality boohoo .. My god, we all have had a broken heart, but comparing and whining about your ex is a killer !!
      I have run from my dates many times and I’m glad they have had disappear on me when I tell them I will not put up with such behaviour. Dating has to be fun

  4. 44
    SeriouslySpeaking

    These women are very Spoiled, Selfish, High Maintenance, Independent, and really think their God’s gift too men which their Not.

  5. 45
    Paul

    Why would any man like this type of woman in the first place since they’re so very full of themselves with a lot of drama that goes along with it which makes these type of women very sad and pathetic altogether.   They have caused many divorces already since they think that they’re all that but their not at all.   Very greedy, selfish, and very spoiled women that they’re anyway which clearly speaks for itself.   Most of them would never make a good wife at all to begin with since they would most likely be very unfaithful as well.   With all these reality shows that they have on TV nowadays has certainly corrupted their minds as well as the media that adds more fuel to the fire which makes these type of women even more horrible than ever unfortunately.   Their selfishness and greed follows them around wherever they go.   I know a friend that had his marriage ruined by his ex wife over this which he really never saw it coming which caught him by surprise.   It was even worse for him since he had two small children since they’re the ones that always have to suffer over the stupidity of his ex wife since once these women have the power which they really think that they can do anything they want by destroying other peoples lives and don’t care who they step on to get what they want.

  6. 46
    Anonymous

    They want to know not whether you are a successful woman, but instead if you are successful at being a woman, and can therefore make him happy as a man.

    Well…DUH.   We men have been telling you ladies this for the past 40+ yrs.   We don’t want a woman who acts like a man, we want a woman who knows how to be a WOMAN.   Feminism has LIED to you ladies.   Men & women aren’t ‘equal’.   They are different.   We both value different things & bring different things to the table.   We’re not looking for competition.   We’re looking for a companion.     We already have bosses at work.   We don’t want a ‘boss’ at our homes!

    Why must modern women be so clueless?

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