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When we first started dating he called me babe or sweetie all of the time, texted me, and initiated conversations via text. When we are together it is great! I love being together with him but, he doesn’t want to spend the night and now when I text him they are short answers and I feel like I’m bothering him. He works a lot of hours and has 2 kids so I understand that he can’t always talk, but he just seems so cold and distant when we aren’t together. I am scared to have this baby and him not want to build a life with me. All I want to know is where he stands. I am so confused and I am starting to fall in love with him. I don’t want to put all this work and energy and love into this relationship if he is just not longer interested and is just going to walk away. I’m so scared and confused. If I wasn’t pregnant with his baby I wouldn’t worry, but now that I am I just want to know that he will be there for me and with me. Please help!
–Jules
Dear Jules,
I’m answering your question in spite of (because of?) the fact that I just did a post about whether men should be forced to pay for children they didn’t want. I want to shelve that discussion for now, because my feelings about that are irrelevant to my feelings towards your own dilemma.
I’m not sure how to say this diplomatically, so I won’t: your relationship is doomed.
And let’s be clear: this is one helluva dilemma.
I’m not sure how to say this diplomatically, so I won’t: your relationship is doomed.
Why am I so pessimistic? Let me count the ways:
“We talked for four months before we actually met.”
That means you fell in love with a stranger. Fell in love before you met him. Before you kissed. Before you ate a meal. Before you had your first fight.
Your cart is way before your horse.
“The first three weeks were magical!”
So are the first three weeks of every relationship. That’s how relationships get started! You do know that three weeks isn’t a really significant amount of time, right? You do know that you don’t get to see all sides of a person for a few years, right? You do know that you can’t build a lifetime on three magical weeks, right?
Oh, dear…you didn’t know that, did you?
“Well, we had gotten into a fight because of his trust issues…We made up and got back together.”
Your beloved boyfriend of three weeks has trust issues. This is a big red flag, which you probably could have seen coming if you didn’t make him your boyfriend so fast. So now, you’re in love with a man you’ve barely met, and you have your first fight! And he quickly breaks up with you! And then you quickly make up with him!
The only decision you have is whether you’re going to keep the baby.
And now everything’s supposed to be okay? Forgive me if I’m not sold.
The day we got into the fight I learned I was pregnant. We both took a couple of days to evaluate where we are and where we want to be. We finally spoke and made up a few days later.
This is where it starts getting sad and I can’t maintain any level of snark. I just want to give you a hug. Listen, Jules, I’m really sorry you’re hurting right now. You’re experiencing what everyone has experienced before you — the feeling of getting your heart broken by an unrequited love whom you overestimated due to chemistry.
The difference is that you’re pregnant.
It may or may not matter why you got pregnant. Did you forget your pill? Did he use a condom? Did it break? Did you have a spontaneous moment of passion without any protection? No matter what happened, you’re in the same place: you’re pregnant and you’ve got a man who doesn’t want to have any part in your life.
There. I said it.
You’re asking me “where he stands”. That’s where he stands.
He knocked you up, he completely regrets it, and he wants to run.
I don’t know this for a fact, of course. But the short-term nature of your relationship, the personality conflicts, the making up and breaking up, the trust issues, and the post-pregnancy pull-away give me all the signs I need to conclude that this is NOT your future husband and that you should NOT be wasting one more second on him.
I hope you can see in retrospect that he was never really your boyfriend. He was a stranger. A stranger that you feel you loved, but a stranger, nonetheless. You slept with that stranger, he knocked you up, he’s distancing himself and you’re still intent on ignoring his colossal flaws and trying to forge a relationship with him.
Babies deserve fathers who WANT to be fathers, men who are fully committed to their wives and families. Unfortunately, you can’t MAKE a man want to be this way.
Please, stop.
The only decision you have is whether you’re going to keep the baby.
If you’re not, then you can terminate your pregnancy and your man simultaneously.
However, if you ARE keeping the baby, please be aware that, by making this decision, your child will probably not have much of a father. I’m not saying whether this is right or fair. I’m saying what is patently obvious to a third-party observer. This guy does not want a future with you, nor does he want to support a baby for the rest of his life. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But I’d be surprised if he stepped up.
I also believe that babies deserve fathers who WANT to be fathers, men who are fully committed to their wives and families. Unfortunately, you can’t MAKE a man want to be this way. He either feels it or he doesn’t.
So understand, Jules, if you choose to bring this baby into the world, you are also choosing to give yourself and your baby a great hardship: a tempestuous, mistrustful, busy absentee father who has no interest in being a part of either of your lives.
If it sounds like I’m weighing heavily in one direction, that’s because I am.
You have the right to do whatever you want. All I wanted to make clear was the consequences of your decisions.
I’m sorry you’re in this position, my friend. I hope you make the right call for you and your family. Please come back and let me know what you chose.
I agree with Evan 100% you have a choice, if you choose to terminate you can proceed with your life, find the man who will be your husband then have a child with him when you are both ready to have a family. If you choose to keep you will be a single mother and your child’s father will likely be in and out of their life if in it at all.
Also if you do choose to terminate, I would strongly urge you to be very serious about birth control in the future and when things go awry to use Plan B which is available over the counter. I know too many women who’ve had abortions who get pregnant by the next wrong guy within a year. They have all ended up single parents one way or another.
This advice is horrible advice! I am pregnant by a man that doesn’t want me. I’m sorry but I’d never give up my baby. There are millions of single moms out there! That baby can feel loved with or without a father. The father is the one that has to answer for that. The baby deserves a chance at life and the baby deserves to be here to be loved by his or her mother! Just because the father isn’t there doesn’t mean the mother’s life is over.
Amen
Very true
You are so right.the best advice ever.
That’s great that you stepped up and said so. It’s not right to take it out on the innocent life of the baby. Thank him for the semen and flourish into you and your babies life with a positive look at your future.
I love this thanks, hope it makes me even more stronger
AMEN
Why does baby deserve the chance for life? Did you ask the baby or its just your selfish decision. And what kind of life for baby without father? What about financial, psychological, emotional issues? Isn’t there enough studies done that child needs BOTH mother and father for healthy emotional and psychological development.
Don’t try to argue with anti-choice people. Logic and reason holds no sway with people who take their cues from religion.
I had a baby on my own…ditched when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant. I was lucky enough to have parents who welcomed me with open arms. My dad is really my son’s dad as well…not his father!….but his dad. It was interesting to see the way my son reacted to a man’s voice vs my voice. Kids should have some sort of male model…. My son is now 26 and a very well balanced kid (always a kid to me)….but I allowed him to be ‘raised by a village’. He spent a lot of time with my sister and her family, and with my parents. I’m not sure what decision I would have made back then, if I had known all that would unfold…but obviously now, I don’t regret it…..but it wasn’t easy….
I wasn’t raised with a father and I turned out fine. I’m also a soon to be single mother. It’s your choice and I chose to keep my child. You WILL be fine either way, and don’t ever think that your love life is over.
my dads it around and I’m telling you I want to live. Thank you.
Hum, Evan? Your point confuses 2 different things and lacks rigour. You can decide not to get an abortion, believe in the beauty of life and conception, never want to abort yourself, and still be pro-choice (like me)…
For instance, I believe in women being masters of their body; but, I also think that, if for whatever reason I get pregnant, I will most probably decide to keep it. To me, abortion is not a contraception method and if used as such is against *my* beliefs. If *you* use it as if, let’s be honest here, I’ll obvisously judge you for what I believe is a lack of character, but would never stop you from doing whatever you want with your body.
Though, if the baby is ill, I get it. If you get raped, I get it. If you are too poor to take care of yourself and someone else, I get it. If you are mentally unstable, I get it. If you really don’t want anything to do with it, you shouldn’t be forced to be a mother. Otherwise, getting pregnant is just called life, and *I* embrace it.
BTW, I was raised by a single mother. It was hard because my mother was unstable, but I am alive and well. Had she gotten the help she needed, I don’t even think I would have noticed our situation.
Some last food for thoughts :
Single mother babies’ and suprise babies’ are not less of.
Rationality and spirituality are not mutually exclusive.
Wat about the babies of fathers who die unexpectedly or divorce their mother later grow up normally… It is just the outlook of so called society who doesn’t allow that kid to grow up normally as a human… The society is to be blamed for thisnor the parents.. Coz its only for the fullfillment of societical beliefs that the child has to b aborted or the father has to run away as he will b looked down uponby the people.. Stay ignorant of them and build a life with the new one… Have faith in God as he is the only onw who has the right to give or take away life..
Sorry Evan, but not wanting to abort your child doesn’t mean you “take your cues” from religion. And even if they do, that doesn’t necessarily make them wrong. Religious scriptures tell not to steal too, does it mean that if people refuse to steal they take their cues from it?
Mothers usually bond with their kids during pregnancy and it’s basic survival mechanism. Many women don’t want to abort their children because of these reactions. That doesn’t mean they hate people who had abortions. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly. She is in a very tough spot and the last thing she needs to hear is that she and her offspring is “less than” because of the circumstances they are in.
To suggest that she must absolutely terminate her pregnancy for these circumstances is inconsiderate to her situation. (No, it was not something Evan said but in some of the comments.) She seems undecided and let her think through it. (Considering the time she most likely arrived at a conclusion but there are women in her situation.) She must make a choice because that would make her at peace with herself, not because random strangers on the internet pressure her in the name of choice. Not to mention there are plenty of people born into a similar situation and pressuring women like that would be an insult to them as well. It’s likely that some of them are reading these forums too. Unless we are asking them to kill themselves, it’s pointless to pressure her about that. No matter what emotional issues they might have, a two parent home isn’t a guarantee for the absence of them and what circumstances they were born into isn’t their fault.
Intriguing points for sure, but what about the fathers who abandon their families (divorce, cheating, abandonment, etc) after the babies are born and are older. Should we kill those children because they will have financial, psychological, and emotional issues? Are they doomed forever?
And that question you asked: “why does baby deserve the chance for life?”… well I’ll ask you this. Why does anyone deserve the chance for life? Why do doctors, EMS, firefighters, nurses, anyone in healthcare work intensely/ risk their lives to save the lives of other people? How do you judge who deserves life and who doesn’t?
If you can support it and raise it without going on welfare, fine.
But I have an issue paying for your poor choices.
You will be paying for welfare regardless of this individuals choices. Welfare is a system that will never go away and we pay it through taxes. So being someone who works for welfare, i say give the people what they need since its always going to be available. Let me shed more light, when people are not using welfare then more services are offered to people on it. The more people on it the less funding available for other programs or services. So if its 1 billion dollars its 1 billion dollars. Not 2 billion because more people got on, the 1 billion is redivided.
Too bad. That’s ‘MERICA for ya!! Don’t like it, leave. It comes out my check too, but not a damn thing you can do about it.. (Says the middle class white man)
Girl boo get your ass out of here. Trump supporter . Girl, going through something and you want to through ” oh i aint paying for your baby”
That is true but a woman can not teach a man to be a man. Yes true indeed the baby would be loved but she has to think about the future of her self and the baby. I was a single mother and it is very hard nothing easy sometimes you have to take the emotion out and truly make the best decision because if she decides to keep the baby she is robbing that baby of a father/son relationship..
So just because a father will not be present the child’s life will crappy?….This is the most feeble minded thing I have ever heard! So a single woman is not capable of taking care of a child on her own? If this is the case a half of you responding to this probably should have been aborted. “Well he doesn’t have a father so just kill him.” Smh…sad.
That’s not what anyone said. However, children born out of wedlock, on the whole, struggle more than kids with married parents. Less education, more drugs, more crime, etc.
Please don’t be defensive just because you’re a single mom. The facts remain the same. >
I AGREE WITH THE PEOPLE ON THIS POSTS THAT SAY YOU DON’T NEED A FATHERLY FIGURE TO RAISE A CHILD. RAISE IT THE RIGHT WAY, WHEN HE OR SHE IS OLD ENOUGH THEY WILL SEE THAT NOTHING IS MORE THAN A MOTHER’S LOVE. NOONE SAID IT WILL BE EASY ALONE, EVEN IF YOU HAVE FAMILY TO SUPPORT YOU, YOU KNOW THAT FATHER JS GONE. BUT WAKE UP PEOPLE FATHER’S CAN LEAVE AT ANY TIME OF PREGNANCY OR YOUR FUTURE TIME W THE BABY. YOU TWO CAN GET MARRIED THEN HAVE KIDS AND HE LEAVE YOU 5- 10 YEARS DOWN THE ROAD AND YOUR CHILD IS WONDERING WHERE DADDY WENT. A MOTHER OR A FATHER CAN LEAVE AT ANY TIME. IF THE MAN DOESN’T WANT TO MAN UP.1 HE’S A FOO, A COWARD BC HE IS SCARED. MAYBE HE WILL COKE THROUGH AND REALIZE WHEN HE SEES YOUR BELLY. IF NOT..FORGET HIM HE DIDN’T LIVE YOU ANYWAYS…..NO MAN WOULD EVER TELL A WOMAN TO GET ABORTION. I CAN SEE IF A WOMAN GOT RAPED. BUT IM TELLING YOU ALL THIS BECAUSE I GREW UP WITHOUT A DAD, AND ME AND MY MOM ARE FINALLY GETTING CLOSER..BECAUSE I’M 8 WEEKS PREGO ALMOST. MY WHOLE FAMILY IS THERE FOR ME BUT MY SO CALLED BF ALEX DOESN’T WANG TO STAY WITH ME IF I KEEP IT. WE DATED FOR 6 MONTHS ROUGHLY. MISTAKES HAPPEN. BUT MIRACLES DO TO. HE SAID HE WOULD BE APART AND DO HIS DUTIES FOR THE BABY, DOC VISITS ETC. DON’T U THINK it will kill me when he’s there and I know he’s not there because he doesn’t want to be with me. I kinda don’t want him there at all. Today’s day you don’t need two parents. It’s sad it really is but God works in mysterious ways. And so can he if he truely loves u he will stick around he’s just scared and panicing…. my boyfriend whatever he chooses that’s on him and I will never forgive him making me get an abortion. Maybe one day he will come through. If not…my baby and I will be ok.
If she raises the baby how is she robbing him/her of a relationship with the dad? No honey, that’s on “dad’s” shoulders, not the mom. Of course I’m not saying there’s not women out there that don’t keep men from seeing their kids, but 99% a man will claim mom is keeping him from the kids when in fact he doesn’t have any interest in being a father. He’s just not trying because the baby was unplanned and he doesn’t want to deal with it.
totally agree …if u have support from family and/or friends you got this! Anybody can be a father/sperm donor but only few can be dads. Plus abortion takes a toll on u mentally and phiscially that will have consequences in the future. But deciding to accept ur blessing and be a mom….wow now that a tough woman. Forget statistics, trust God has ur back in everything u do and watch everything will be provided for u and ur baby. U may even find a real dad for ur baby. I know I did.
Amen
Amen
Yes! 98% of guys these days are very selfish. And the ones that are not are not very good catches for other reasons. My eggs cannot wait until I’m 40 to meet a decent man. If you get pregnant and your financially stable keep the baby! You will regret it if you don’t…good men don’t come around too often so don’t hold your breath. 50 % of marriages end in divorce and maybe another 30 % are unhappy with their spouse. So you will be doing your child a favor.
Soooo true
I agree further more if the mother wanted an abortion or thought of she would of said she didn’t so why bring it up
Amen that is true and eventually men always come back to their senses pregnancy is always a shock to most men
Thank you Alison.
Bravo Alison! My 21 year old daughter,( who had no intention of being a mother, nor was she trying to trap any man) got pregnant by one night of irresponsibility sexually, by a male she has been seeing on and off for a couple of years. She believes life begins at conception; therefore abortion was never on the table. The guy is a complete jacka$$, which of course hurts her. When it was a fun and games thing, his lack of character was not an issue, but now it is very apparent. She is scared, she is angry at herself for getting into this situation, she doesn’t want to give up her freedom, but she is because it is the right thing to do. I know she will get through this. I am doing everything I can to be there for her.
i agree with u Alison
Best advice! you are so right. That is a precious little life you are talking about.
This is horrible advice. It takes two to make a baby and not all men man up and that’s not the expectant mother’s fault. I’m two months pregnant and my boyfriend of more than one year took it badly. And he said I should take the abortion pill and he makes $400k a year. I’m ignoring him even though he threatened he would not be involved in the child’s life long term. So men are just that selfish. But as a mommy-to -be it’s important to stand up and do what you think is right. And be strong for you and your little one.
You are right my sister I agree with you
I love how men who got here through the love of a mother use the love of another then act like we are stupid for caring for our child who is in blood and essence them.
I am pregnant by a very wealthy man who acted as though I am the plague now that I’m pregnant and wants nothing to do with me or our unborn daughter.Even claimed hes sterile…good one. Threatened me legally, financially, physically.
Funny he sure seemed to enjoy everything prior and asked me not to see other people and talked about how bad he wants kids….
I’m done with this meat circus…u can’t win for losing.
This is very true and encouraging.some of us are not really happy being single mothers but that precious kid brightens our days.so don’t worry abt raising that kid.its a blessing from God.just stay strong dear
Amen
very much true. Im in the same position with twins but Im not killing an innocent soul for my mistakes. I forgot about him and I learned to bond with my babies and i cant wait for their arrival
I agree, the thought of terminating a baby’s life is horrible. I know of someone who is in this situation. I will not mention names. He has known this lady since they where in 3rd grade. The parents know each other as well. He deceived this girl asking her to stop taking the pill and spoke about becoming a family, purchasing a home and finishing his schooling. Their is also a 6 year old child involved here. He would send christmas cards signed as her Step Dad!! After a year and a half of dating she finds herself pregnant. I am really upset for his lies and deception, not to mention the mental state of this 6 year old child. Now, he wants her to abort and wants nothing to do with her or this unborn child.
Realistically speaking, (almost) every woman will be left alone with her baby at some point of her life. Sometimes it is when the baby in not yet born, sometimes when the bay is small, sometimes when the baby reaches teenage years…whatever the timing, it surely happens. Just look around. If you want a baby and feel up for having it and giving him/her all the love you have, go for it! Do not look at anyone else, who will or will not participate with you on your journey. Don’t listen to anyone’s advice, it is their perspective on life you are hearing. Tune into your own feelings and how you feel about it. It is your life and you need to feel fulfilled at the end, whatever that means to you. In life things do not always happen in a linear way. A right man will come into your life at some point, I guarantee you that. He may not be a biological father, but will surely love your baby just as he will love you. If in doubt, always ask yourself “what decision will I more likely regret 20-30 years from now”? This often puts things in a much needed perspective.
Yes please. Why would one put all the stress on the innocent child. I believe babies are blessings from God. If you terminate the pregnancy you’ll live in a pull of regrets for the rest of your life when at one point it turns out you can’t bare children anymore.
Actually there are studies that have found that the baby is actually more inclined to be affected by the fathers moods/presence.
A father and mother both contibute to the emotional health and well being in very early stages of life..and throughout their whole life.
Your child not having a father being a constant loving reliable source of safety will no matter what will phycologically damage your child.
I know you say there are many single mothers out there..that doesn’t account for the reality that the children can not get what they need emotionally just from a mother, and inevitably will suffer for that.
I have made the choice in a similar situation myself and even though it hurts. I know I made the right choice. I wasn’t selfish subjecting my child to pain I could not control, I loved my child more than that already.
Here I am a year later. My child only has a mothers love and the love of her grandparents. She is an extremely HAPPY little girl. I have no regrets in being pro life. She has all the love she could ask for. You can’t miss what you never had! I am mommy and I am daddy. My baby girl is okay with that. To say that she will grow up psychologically damaged is not true. She is happy, healthy, and very smart. I’m glad I didn’t follow advice to abort her. I wouldn’t change my life with her for ANYTHING!
Alison .. I agree with you 100% .. I am a single mom of a beautiful and well loved 9 year old daughter .. We are best friends!
totally agree with you my love
You Are right my dear am also Pregnant and the father is asking to take it off if he will not Part of us but i will never give up my baby thank u very much dear
Maybe you’re right.but its true most children without father or a lack of family supportsystem often end up in psychiatry when theyre old due to a lack of orientation in life… so its not only: i want that baby. Would be good if it were so though!
I agree. Sorry you had such cold harsh responses. I am disgusted. You will be fine. Just take care of you and that baby, he does not deserve you!!!!!
Amen!!! The man I have met has pulled away as well. I already have 3…I’d not ever “get rid” of my baby..God grants life and for His reasons do we not question. Pls take care of yourself and that baby. Go from there! Best wishes!
No it’s not. The author is NOT telling her to terminate, she is simply stating the fact the baby will not have much of a father figure, this is something the potential mother must be willing to accept if she goes ahead with the pregnancy. She did not say anything against single mothers. She did not say the child would feel unloved.
You have taken this far too personally and have not understood what the author has said.
I LOVE your words. I’m in the same boat.
I’m in a similar boat. He said he wants the baby. He begged for the baby. But the relationship has suffered up till this point.he has a relationship in Mexico and tattooed her name on his hand. I had him cover it and replaced it with my name.i wanted him to post it so I could feel sure she understands not to be sending messages to him anymore but he fefused to post it for four days.finally did and had an attitude about it and we almost split up.i was pregnant at the time although I just found out yesterday.he said he loved me and is happy but I still feel second place to some stranger in Mexico. I don’t want to mess up a good thing and push him away more but I don’t wanna be stupid either.i want to make my demands known now.
God bless you Alison!!. God will make a way & bless you &a your precious child. God is the perfect Father to the fatherless. God be with you & many others . We are the carriers of life. Not the terminator. No matter the outcome of a relationship. When a woman is blessed with a precious baby. God meant for it to be given life . Not death. So thank you so much. God always makes a way .. be blessed! Praying for you, baby & other woman young & older in your situation. God blessâ¤ðŸ‘¶ðŸ»ðŸ’žðŸ™ðŸ½
Alison, Per my understanding the advice simply states that she should know that if she decides to keep the baby, she’ll be on her own. Meaning, she should not expect this strange dude to be in the child’s life coz he’ll likely not be there. Just coz there are millions of single moms out there, it doesn’t mean it’s fine to be a single mom. Then, it’s a selfish decision bringing a child into this world knowing that s/he won’t have both parents around. To me it sounds more like emotional satisfaction than anything! Societ has made it acceptable to be a single mom and this is wrong. I have plenty of friends who are single mom and they are great at it but wish their baby fathers were around. Not to mention the psychological effects that these kids experience as they see their friends with both parents. So, enough with this single mom stuff coz it’s not a walk in the park for with the mom or the child.
I agree … every child is a GIFT from GOD and hppns at the right time … he may be the Father but not the not man to actually FATHER the child clearly there is someone else out there who will 😘
Thank you so much for standing right up, Alison. Too many “friends” advise, even pressure mothers to destroy their children. Medical professionals do the same thing.
Here’s the deal: if a mother, acting on the advice of “friends” destroys the life of her child, she is the one who has to live with herself and what she did. Not they.
Mothers have what is called “natural affection” for their children. Children don’t have to earn their mothers’ love; mothers give it free of charge. It comes naturally. To override natural affection is dfficult to impossible. To try chills the heart.
He can choose not to have a relationship with her but that does not give him the choice not to be responsible to the baby.
Go on with you life, tough it up and file for child support. Period.
True I agree with your answer . . .
Glad to hear your perspective. I’m curious as to how you support the baby without the father? I know wen do this all the time I just can’t comprehend how. Assume you work until the labor (is you can) and then after when you can. Who watches the baby while you’re working? Or are there other options?
My child goes to daycare. I make enough money to support my little girl on my own. I’m lucky with that. She is now 3 years old, very active in gymnastics and is being looked at to start kindergarten early because she is very advanced intellectually. She is a very loving and affectionate child with a very positive personality. Her dad only sees her about 4 times a year and she is okay with that. She’s use to it. She is NOT damaged because I made a choice to raise her on my own. I don’t get any kind of assistance from the government. I do EVERYTHING on my own. I don’t have a brand new shiny car or a big house, but we are comfortable and everything she needs is provided. It is possible to do it alone and have a great outcome! A mom just has to put the extra effort in when she’s doing it alone. Yes, I am tired. Lol. But it is completely worth it to me. There’s nothing better than those cuddles and the “I love you mommy” that come out of her mouth.
thank you for your advice
The other option, is adoption. I’m in the same boat but could not terminate pregnancy. Give it some thought! Think about a loving FAMILY who would care for this child. It’s hard, girl. But, if this your first child, forget him, and keep it and MOVE THE HECK ON. Egos on my and and I don’t want two children being a single mother. I choose adoption. It is hard, bit they help care for you and support like a baby’s father the entire way. It brings reassurance. Just THINK about it. No quick decisions. Look up adoption on the internet and open your mind up. It will bring you peace, knowing your have another option is POWER FOR YOU. XOXO
I think you may have misunderstood. He simply said she should decide whether or not she wants to keep the baby. He’s not telling her that abortion is her only choice. However, he is saying that she’ll be raising this baby alone if she chooses to keep it which is very true in my opinion.
I’m in a similar situation… thanks for how you said it. My liar boyfriend who made me and my family think he meant to marry me, just pulled off and acting distant and weird since I told him I was pregnant! Even though he had agreed for us to have a baby in the first place! He was simply hoping it wouldn’t happen because I’m 41 and never had a child.
A baby is a blessing no matter how they come into this world. Think about the females out there that would do anything to have a child. There’s a lot of kids out there without a father and doing just fine. It’s not going to be easy, it’s never easy being a single mother. Maybe this is your only chance bringing a child into this world. We all make mistakes just move on and don’t let this happen again.
I agree with you Alison. That’s very true
I vote LIKE!! for both Evan’s post and Julia’s comment.
why human beings are so heartless with or without a father a baby can have a normal life
abortion is not the solution
y kill an innocent blood
people have to think of the results before unprotected sex n stop complaining afterwards
wen u we’re fucking you knew that the guy might be having a family or not yet ready for parenthood
stop being fools
think twice before not after sex
Do what is best for you. I am five months pregnant. Me and the father dated for five years. My birth control failed. I had had an abortion a year prior to this pregnancy. We both agreed we weren’t ready. Needed to finish getting our degree’s. But I am keeping this one. He is getting cold feet. I just let him chill in the ice. I can handle my own. Focusing on what you need to do for you and the baby is the most important thing you can do. And for the dumbnuts talking about welfare. Do your research please. A lot of single moms get on welfare. Why? It helps them, they get a education etc and make more later on in life. Welfare success stories. People are bitter because of the welfare abusers. I can understand that. But we cannot judge every welfare case the same. Ik successful lawyers that had to be on welfare during school. So get your facts straight. It helps the economy more then you could imagine. I am also pro choice. Each life is different. We walk a curvy path. Bumps and holes. The paths are never the same. You make your own choices. Never let’s anyone tell you what’s right or wrong. Or what to do. They’re amazing successful people who did not have a father figure. And we have drug addicts that had a father figure. Once again just because some did a study on 100,000 kids with no fathers. Doesn’t compare to the billion of children out there. So can we really rely on studies like that. Everyone has opinions. We all judge.. Out loud or in our minds. We all do human nature. The smart ones know when its appropriate to voice their opinions or just keep it to themselves. Saying someone should do this or that because of what you believe in. How is that helpful for them to make the decision that’s best for them. To things like this do not go searching for advice from people who do not know you on a personal level. Take time to yourself to think. What is best for me. All these opinions pull you one way then another way. So on and so on. Tug of war gets tiring. I am not check my grammer I did this on my phone.
to save their life of suffering
well you are 100% pro abortion and actually trying to inflict your childish views on others. maybe the reason your friends keep getting knocked up by random “wrong” guys is because they just get frivolous abortions and never have to deal with the reality of their actions. how about DONT murder your offspring and THINK about who you;re having sex with. i dont know, if you want to get pregnant and then terminate numerous times in your life thats cool (not really, you should be murdered yourself). but your parents didnt abort you and idk how you can put a price on that. or ration it with “your child’s father will likely be in and out of their life if in it at all.”
That’s good shit
You cannot say that if you don’t know the emotional stability of the relationship their parents had.
Mary, you sound crazy when you say.. but your parents didn’t abort you. I must tell you that having children is more for the parents than it is for the child. So, get that in your head. Do you think ppl are happy being in this world? I’d rather abort and spare my potential child from all the misery and the evil that is in this world! We all gonna die eventually but why subject a child into the misery of this world? Spare them with an abortion. In your right mind, do you think ppl just get pregnant to abort it? Girl, get serious. Get real.
Better the sperm donor be totally out.
Think twice before taking welfare for the child. You will have to give Mr. Sperm Donor’s name as the state wants its welfare money back from him. Sperm donors who don’t want to pay up often file for visitation rights as a tactic to get Mommy to give up the free money from Big Brother.
Why speak the full truth pregant with another guys child yes then their husband has left them permanently and dont blame their husbands 1 single hour for it.
This is good advice by Evan. I am curious though with the facts of this case, is this a grown woman or a teenage girl? Waiting so long to meet then saying the first 3 weeks are amazing like its so rare, getting preggo so fast, etc, makes it sound like this person has little experience in the mating and dating world. Sounds like its one of the worst things to happen to a teenage girl whereas a grown woman who has been around the dating world wouldn’t have these issues.
On an off topic note I saw “We’re the Millers” this weekend. Without giving away the hysterical plot, the guy who plays the character of Pablo Chacon (the real druglord in the movie) looks exactly like Evan if Evan had facial hair.
Just tell him you are getting an abortion and do it or give it up for adoption. This is not going to be pretty. Unless of course you are financially able to support the child on your own and are over 30. Under 30, abort or adoption
What is wrong with you guys everyone none of yall have the right to speak like this. She asked for advice so if yiur not helping her why did tou even reply i think you guys should have never been born how about your moms abort you or did not care to give you away for adpotion. Say what ever you will the woman Jules is pregnant and heart broken and this is all u guys can say is abort im pregnant every baby deserves to live what if your kids were killed or aborted. This is craxy i hate the world we live of course you say whatever cones to mind and dont care cause its not you. But remember what goes ariund comes back around. At the end of the day jules your blessed and your baby loves you with or with out a dad.
Tell them! I’m preganant right Now and the thought of all these people saying to abort pisses me off! I love my baby with all my heart and I don’t care if my bf will be with me to raise the Baby or not I will FIND A WAY!!
im with u….abortion should never be an option…it’s a precious baby. I’m 34weeks pregnant but early on we got a scare and everyone told me to abort I went crazy…that was my sweet baby they wanted to kill!!
Exactly I’m al
Exactly I’m aso pregnant 3 or 4 weeks and my husband wants me to get an abortion he seems to be changing to cause he knowsin not going to do it but I like your comment everyone who was telling her to get rid of her baby is wrong it’s not the baby’s fault that all this happened
I am going through a similar experience. I met someone online but we met immediately and we hit it off immediately and months of the seeing each other it was almost everyday thing of us being together. A lot of back and fourth after fights but we always would come back to each other no matter what pain we inflicted on each other.
We feel in love. I moved in with him cause myself and my roommate had a problem. that was for a few months I left after a fight we had got a room and we broke up cause of the way I exited the house, And that’s when I found out I was pregnant with his child.
When I found out he didn’t want the baby and put me through hell but at no point did I give up on what my baby needed and try to make him see this was our mistake but the baby is innocent and needs him. So once I felt he would never change how he felt I made the decision to move with my mother out of state.
Once I told him I was moving away he changed his tune and told me to move back in he can’t be with out me that he’s not ready to start a family but he will be here for us and that he truly loves me and can’t live with out me. Smh after all the hell and me almost walking away it took that for him to see he wanted us. I am four months now and he’s been very good to me. He totally changed. I always give him a friendly reminder that anytime he changes back to his nasty ways I will even take the baby I will not beg him to be in his child’s life but the child will always be there for him to be in his or her life. So far it’s ok so let’s see!
You can choose your own path [email protected]&k what everyone else feels about your relationship with the dad he may just be scared. He may just be a true asswhip who knows but if you want this baby you keep this baby. Many mothers love their child and take care of them whether the father is in their life or not. Don’t get me wrong I think two parents are better than one but is not your babies for and why should you discard this blessing because of one butthead. Take care be strong there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s been a year I’ve been with him whom would of thought Huh. Take care doll.
am inspired
well said words m inspired
Well said Tyshay
Amen!!!
I agree with you completely Tyshay! I wish you and your baby all the best Jules! Screw what others think. This is YOUR life,YOUR body and YOUR decision! Live for YOU and nobody else!
I agree with Tyshay
Thanks i support u hundred percent.jules u don’t knw wat ur child will grow up to be tomorrow
This was very sweet.😢 sounds like the word of a genuine friend with support from love
Better to tell the honest truth to someone so that they can judge an outcome of the situation they are in properly. Life does account for not hurting someone’s feelings. Things happen just as she became pregnant.
You have the choice to do what is best for you when you know the entirety of a situation. That will in turn effect how long the situation will continue to affect you.
I would only ever be brutally honest with people I love, because I would never want them to lie to themselves. To sugar coat something is to deceive someone of reality.
Tyshay, if you care so much about preserving life why don’t you go adopt children that are already in this world suffering coz they don’t have parents, food, shelter or clothing? You ppl are such hypocrites! You claim to care about life yet you choose to bare offsprings when you know damn well that they are already children in this world who need at least a parent. Reproduction is all about emotional satisfaction and nothing else! So, enough with this pro life shit!
Like seriously? Is this the way people think? Over 30 or under 30 you don’t have the right to take away somebody’s life. I know it is just a fetus. But it has life. For God’s sake, they choose to have sex..and they are old enough to know what might be the possible consequences of sleeping together. And whether the father will stepped or not, or one is financially incapable of raising the baby,.. There are other options you might want to consider..foster care/ Adoption is one. But Jules, pls do not terminate your pregnancy. It is your own flesh. Children are God’s gift. Love your child just as your parents have loved you.
wow! thank u guys
Unfortunately is the horrible world we live in the systems designed to protect and care for children are the continuation or primary source of abuse and neglect that they are supposed to protect them from.
Foster homes account for a huge percentage of child sexual assault cases. As well as neglect, physical abuse, and of course detrimental damage to the child phycologically.
Know the reality of your options first.
That’s close to even a child becoming a ward of the state.
What has being over 30 got to do with anything? Sick of seeing comments from people who think they know it all, it’s what is right for the individual person and nothing else, sorry I just think that comment is short sighted and rude. Someone can be over 30 and still not be financially stable, I’m under 30 and earn more than my parents combined everybody is different, and money is not everything. You don’t need lots of money to be rich!
I hope that she has a support system in place and that she will choose to keep the child or allow a good family to adopt. I have been in this situation, although my circumstances were different. It is a scary place to be, but for your health and the health of your child, eliminate the drama that dad brings. If he wants to do the right by the child that’s wonderful but prepare to do it without him. You have to focus on you and your baby now.
Of course abortion is better. If man is not willing to take responsibility why would she? Besides we already got 7 billion people on earth, why to bring another unwanted child.
Abortion is better?!! WTF?! From a woman who’s newborn literally took his last breath in my arms 3 years ago, reading that comment just sickened me.
Then stop using your emotions and use your brain.
i agree Dina . These women are thinking with their emotion!!!
That obviously was a extremely heartbreaking and unfair thing to happen to you. This isn’t the same situation though.
I am sorry for your loss, I couldn’t think of anything worse than losing a child after birth. My thoughts are with you for that.
Abortion is better? Ripping the baby’s body apart with a suction machine for your own convenience is better?
If you have sex outside of marriage, you are taking the chance that this can happen. If it does, stand up and do the right thing, whether you parent the child or place him or her for adoption.
Abortion seems the easiest in the short term, but you will always have to live with the fact that you killed your baby.
Brain and emotions are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the emotions result from the neurochemical and neuroelectrical signals from the brain. And the OP didn’t say whether she wanted this child or not. You are not in a position to decide for her either. And if you think 7 billion is too much and you can decide who is a burden and could do good by being ‘removed’ why don’t you start by yourself? At least that’s not hypocritical.
Haha AMEN to that!
Right, she should start with herself.
I have been in your shoes (sort of)- got knocked up early on by a man with whom I was/am clearly not compatible with. The BIG difference here, is he immediately asked me to move in with him, introduced me to his family, began remodeling a house for us. I moved out when my son was 10 months old. Despite the fact that my son has a wonderful and fully involved father and extended family- it was absolutely, hands down, the hardest most awful experience I have ever been through in my life. The level of depression and stress I experienced while caring for an infant/toddler almost broke me. It pushed me so far from where I ultimately hope to be (married with kids). I still cry to think about it, and my son is now 4 years old and very well care for. I have a great life, but wonder where I would be if I had made a different choice.
On the other side of the coin, I had an abortion many years ago, and I can tell you it was WAAAAAY easier and carried a fraction of the heartbreak going through with the pregnancy did. I cannot tell you which way to go- but had to share my experience. This is not a road you WANT to walk down- maybe you feel you must, but do not fool yourself into thinking it will all magically be ok. It will not. You will have to fight tooth and nail to claw yourself out of this mess if you decide to follow through with the pregnancy- again maybe you feel you must, but be honest with yourself about the ramifications here.
Best of Luck to you, sister.
Sweet heart that’s just life in itselfs.. you go through things for growth and without growth you would not have developed.. or am I wrong
Two words: open adoption.
That would be f***ing heartbreaking.
Bitter, divorced men are undate-able. Sorry to sound like a Monday-morning quarter back, but she should have screened for that in the first couple of emails, and cut him off early. Never waste 4 months of emails on a bitterly divorced guy. Dr. Diana Kirschner calls them “burnt toast.” It’s one of the deadly dating patterns to watch out for. Burnt-toast guys are not date-able.
My heart goes out to you Jules! I got pregnant at 19 and chose to go the road on my own due to the fact that I got involved with the wrong guy and then expected the impossible from him. It wasn’t easy, but I had a strong support group. My son is now 31 years old and the best thing that ever happened to me. He fills my heart with pride and has brought me so much joy over the years! We are best friends. However, it was always a struggle financially. You are going to have to do some heavy soul searching girl. Follow your heart.
Ugh. Agree with Evan 100%. The only decision at issue here is whether she wants to keep the child. He is no longer relevant, except possibly to assist in the expense of an abortion, if that’s what she chooses. He’s already proven he’s not boyfriend material, let alone co-parent material. I don’t know why, but countless woman still view pregnancy — accidental or not — as an avenue for hanging on to a man. The wrong man. This is unfair to all parties, especially the child. This is the time for clear thinking, not delusional happy-ever-after hopefulness. I hope she gets support from friends and family with whatever decision she makes. P.S. I agree that the “burnt toast” guy is not datable. It’s always the same story: he has “trust issues” due to his big, bad, mean ol’ ex-wife. Boo hoo. It’s a lame-ass excuse for unacceptable behavior. Got trust issues? Don’t date.
Zann I agree this situation is not good. That baby deserves to have both parents. And he is not willing do what is best for you… And as a woman every man that you meet does not deserve your temple.
krystal it is not unnatural for a woman or a man to have kids before they find the one for them, that’s gonna be with them forever.. sometimes it works out in that way and I’m not speaking from a holy outlook I’m speaking of how the universe brings people together and how the universe helps us find our way… sometimes I wonder what we as ppl go through in life to make our thinking so extremely bias.. if we would learn that worrying was something we were not designed to do and continue to LOVE with every fiber or our being we would breeze through life effortlessly.. the issues and conditions that we go through wouldn’t really be that just lessons
A baby is 10000 x better than a crappy boyfriend. It might be a right turn but one you will love more than life
I was in a similar situation at the age of 29. I chose to terminate the pregancy. Three years later, I married a man who was unable to give me children. The marriage lasted 12 years. I am 51 years old and with the exception of that one time, I never conceived a child again.
I think that it might be wise for this young woman to weigh the pros and cons of raising a child alone. She may choose no to, but abortion doesn’t have to be the final solution. She could opt to carry the child to term and then place it up for adoption. Looking back, I would have considered that option rather than terminiating the pregancy.
Just my two cents..
Evan is right, feels so sad to read. The only decision is if you feel ready and want this baby by yourself.
Only you can make that decision and know what is right for you.
I’m shocked at the calls for abortion just because the father is a bad guy. This is a human life we’re talking about. Take accountability for your actions and have the child, and accept that the father will be a dud. If I got knocked up tomorrow by a dud I’d still have the child, it would be my responsibility to pull things together and accept being a single mom.
Jenna your comment is not realistic. Child deserve parents who wanted them and love them. This man really doesn’t want to be part of her life and raising a child alone is very big commitment.
Take time think about what is best for yourself. The choice you choose is the right one for you. Don’t feel judged or shamed by others.
Zara who said that her child wouldn’t get parents that want and love her???? The man that will make her and her child happy doesn’t necessarily have to be the child’s father.. she could have been with the father and they were happy but as time went on things could have changed and maybe he no longer wanted anything to do with them does that mean that the child should be killed or given up for adoption then.
I completely agree. People need to understand this is a personal choice. What ever choice you make you have to live with it for the rest of your life. The fact that people view this as black and white prove they don’t understand the emotional impact being pregnant has on a woman. Even if your happy about the pregnancy it is still a life changing event. Add in complicated circumstances and your looking at a potential tramatic event. For those who say that a mothers love is enough then let me tell you how hard it is being raised by a single mother. My mom raised three children by herself not because my dad walked away but because he passed away. My dad didn’t chose to leave when I was six. But my mom did a wonderful job given the situation she was in. However the impact on me and my siblings was heartbreaking. I could never imagine the pain for a child to realize their father didn’t love them to raise them. Before you judge any woman for making a choice you must realize that what she chooses changes her life. It’s a very personal choice that public opinion needs to stay out of. It’s her life and her family so back off
And you have every right to chose what is right for you and what you would do Jenna.
This is about what is right for Jules and what she wants to do.
She needs all the information so she can make an informed choice. Not telling what to do.
Her body, her life, her choice.
Spot on, Evan. I was in a similar situation earlier this year. I’m in my mid 30s, happily divorced and I have the resources to raise a baby solo. however, after many heart to heart talks with myself, I kept realizing that while I want a family, I’m not going to settle for someone who is a weekend dad at best.
It was a very difficult decision for me, as I do want a family and my window of opportunity is narrow. im so happy and relieved that I had the clarity and objectivity to see a situation for what it was: a mistake.
I am so sorry you are in this position. It is a strange and lonely place. Just ask yourself if you can accept a distant and unavailable man for your child. I think you both deserve more.
Best of luck to you. I wish nothing but good things for you!
Abortion is birth control in America in 2013. But I’m not going to have that debate here.
@Jenna #14- I’m shocked that you are shocked. Not everyone wants to go the single mother route.
It is fascinating, although not surprising, to see the stark contrast between the sentiments directed at this poor woman who is unsure about wanting to keep the child (not being sarcastic, I feel terribly sorry for her) and sentiments expressed at the thought of a man in the same position in Evan’s post about whether men should be responsible accidentally-conceived children.
Especially @Rose and Paula, who made posts on that blog entry that are, in spirit, diametrically opposed to the posts they made on this topic. The only difference here is that the roles are reversed.
This woman is in a very tough position. I wish her the best.
Chance my stance was the same on the other post it is the womans body and her who will have to bring the child up if she keeps it. Not the man. So my stance is the same on both threads. Her choice not his.
Her choice if she wants an abortion.
Her choice if she wants to be a single parent.
The other thread was about finacial support once a child was actually here by both parents.
It is a different issue. That is why the laws are different for a woman right to chose what she does with the fetus that is growing inside her body due to body autonomy. But a man does not get to chose if he pays finacial support once a real live child exists.
The court case where a man brought these issues up was overturned for the very reasons I have stated. They are not comparable analogy. The analogy is faulty.
J–it’s not about wanting to go the single mom route. I sure as hell wouldn’t. But people shouldn’t make decisions based on what feels good and is convenient all the time, and I couldn’t live with myself if I terminated my own baby just because I didn’t feel like making the sacrifice. I do get that this isn’t the time and place for an abortion debate and I feel for the poster but this just seems like a tragedy. Abortion is ok in some circumstances, but the discussion of it in this context seems so casual. Perhaps having this baby would be a wonderful gift out of a bad situation.
How can someone be so sloppy about birth control? I am prolife but prochoice. I made damn sure that I was never in this situation, and thankfully at 52 I need worry no longer. From my experience, there are few “accidental pregnancies.” Only women who want to force a commitment. If she wants to raise the baby on her own, more power to her.
There are few “accidental pregnancies” ? Women trying to force a commitment? You are wrong wrong wrong. I am 50 BTW, not some young girl.
My second daughter was an accidental pregnancy. I was in a period of heavy drinking, took a couple Valium and had sex with someone I was casually seeing but not even thinking about committing to. We ended up together because of the baby, but it certainly has not been sunshine and unicorns! We did end up married and had another child, and 22 years later we are still together BUT IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM DID I TRAP HIM! I like to think if I were to trap someone, I would have enough sense to pick someone with money!!!
I agree 100% with Evan. Jules has a very difficult decision either way she decides. Hopefully, she has a good family and/or support system to help her through this. But no doubt, get rid of the guy.
And to post #2 re: Evan looking like Pablo Chacon from We’re the Millers movie….NO WAY….Evan is 100 times better looking…maybe resemblance on the hair and possibly height.
I once had a pregnancy scare when I briefly met and hooked up with a man who was separated (or as I know now, not really) and I can only imagine what you are going through. Men like this seem to shudder away from responsibility and emotional and financial issues are heavy. I don’t judge any woman on her decision. Please do what you feel/think is best for you and I hope you have or find a good support system to help you in whatever you decide to do.
@Aisling 23
I recently realized that many people (both men and women) go around with idiotic ideas about pregnancy and its likelyhood. A friend of my husband (age 42) and this younger lady (28) were having a casual relationship (sleeping occacionally without boyfriend/girlfriend status) for 2 years. She did not get pregnant during this time so he somehow got the idea that either he or she or both are not fertile any more (!!!).
Then, one day, she got pregnant. What a sirprise. They now live together and have a lovely baby boy, and the guy is exstatic to be a father even though he was scared shitless at first.
Also, two of my female friends (early 40s) who have kind of troublesome relationships with their boyfriends have confided that sometimes they have unprotected sex. Their thinking goes along the following lines 1)at this age getting pregnant is less likely, 2)abortion is an option 3)if it is God’s will to get pregnant I might as well test the status of the relationship with this guy. Please note that when women have unprotected sex, their partners very well know that it is unprotected sex (unless the woman lies that she’s on the pill but that’s a deceipt and a totally different kind of story). So, the women know it’s unprotected, and the men know it’s unprotected.
I agree, few accidental pregnancies are accidental in the sense of totally surprising. I would not go to say however that it is the women who want to force commitment (not that women do not want commitment) but more a combination of stupidity and wishful thinking on the part of both man and woman.
@Jenna 22: I understand that YOU couldn’t live with YOURSELF if you chose to abort a fetus (it’s not a “baby” ’til it’s born) or an embryo (if it’s before week 8). But we’re talking about Jules, and we don’t know what she stands on these issues. Me? I couldn’t have lived with myself had I chosen to have a baby with a sweet but financially reckless man and so I didn’t: no regrets.
So, Jules… look into your own heart and see if it makes sense for you to have a baby, knowing that the father probably won’t be around much, if at all. Whichever decision you make, you have my sincere best wishes.
Kiki #26,
I know a woman in her late 40’s who still thinks that if he pulls out prior then you can’t get pregnant. I tried to explain the whole “there’s small traces of sperm in pre-ejaculate” thing to her and that she still could get pregnant, but it fell on deaf ears. According to her since it hadn’t happened to her it was not possible. Some people are incredibly smart in some areas and make you wonder how they can sometimes be sooooo stupid!!!!! I know exactly what you mean. Any people who are that dumb about sex make me want to run as far away from them as possible.
I hope to God that woman I know never gives sexual advice to any younger people!!!!!
Michele your bang on about this guy 🙂 Seperated kinda still married men are dating scum!
I also must voice my agreement with Jenna. It is our body so we decide who we have sex with and how soon, but once a seperate life, a new person with seperate dna is conceived it is our duty to take care of him or her!!!! how dare you say it is in this baby’s interest that you terminate its life… having one parent is better than not being alive for sure… And anyway Evan you are not in a place to advise anyone to have an abortion, that is plain wrong, you’re supposed to be a dating coach!
Every child deserve to live with or without a father you guys need to stop advicing other people to do abortion I am 32 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend is behaving exactly like Jules boyfriend but I don’t care I’m going to have my baby if his going to leave me let him leave
That’s very brave of you Angel. Stand strong. You will have hard times, but will be rewarded with wonderful experiences too!
I agree. Since when is killing someone for their benefit a thing. Lets terminate everyone who is considered useless or inconvenient because of their stage in life. Or we can be responsible for our actions that have long term consequences because it is our dilemma. Being a single mother isn’t necessarily a permanent state. Handle your business, don’t kill it. Figure it out. You fiured out how to get where you are without much effort so figure out how to handle it, imagine what you could do with some adult planning and how proud you will be for not being a selfish child about it.
Eva that is not what evan is advising. He is asking her to think about her options and to understand she will have to raise this baby alone if she chooses to keep it. The father by his actions is showing he is not interesting in raising this baby with her or trying to work on the relationship. This is important to consider … if she chooses to keep the baby she will have to build a support network of friends/ family.
Eva, if someone wants impartial advice, rather than a dating coaches opinion why ask a dating coaches opinion on a public forum
She asked his opinion, he gave it.
And as it is a public forum, she will get the publics opinion too. If someone doesn’t want an opionion then don’t share your problems or ask.
Is up to her if she chooses to act on any of these opinions.
. Or choses to connect deeply to herself, get a clear picture of what is going on with the man who is pulling away which Evan appears to have pretty shrewd idea about altough admits he doesn’t know for sure. Whislt ignoring opinions on what Evan and what others think is best for her and her life circumstancies and making her own mind up.
There are obviously more than one top of discussion here…..abortion, casual sex, being a single mother. However, I’m in total agreement with Jenna #14 & 22. If you can’t be responsible with your actions during and after, you have no business going down that road to begin with. Chew on that!
Sunflower,
such phrases like “chew on it” make me think that pro-lifers are actually happy if someone suffers in accordance to their poor-choices in regards to safety of sex…
You talk about responsibility-well you know what – the OP is responsible either way, whether she keeps the baby or not.
Its not time to start saying “you should have done this or that”. She has the right to decide what is best for her (yes, most convenient as well) and she should not be shamed about that, whatever is the choice.
Jules, I have a somewhat different perspective. As a divorced single parent in California, I can tell you that fathers have a lot of rights to their children, for good and bad. However, they have far fewer rights if they were never married to you. I have many friends who are single parents and overwhelmingly, if the guy is a jerk, it is far better for you and your child if you never married.
If you read this blog, you’re aware of many women who have wanted children, but never got the chance. Depending on your perspective and age, this child might be a blessing. You may never have another. It’s very much your choice, but I can tell you as a single parent that I’m very grateful for my children and wouldn’t want to change my status. Also, I’m sure there are a lot of very involved fathers in the world, but, from my perspective, I did the majority of the work of child rearing so it wasn’t a huge difference from going from raising my children married to raising them single.
Food for thought. Take care of yourself and good luck.
I am pro-choice, and yet I wonder why it’s so easy for people to evaluate their options when it comes to aborting or keeping a child, and yet so difficult to evaluate their beliefs about raising a child. It doesn’t have to be such a hardship to have a child. Just one child.
When evaluating “options” a woman can also, at the same time, evaluate beliefs, judgements, and the way they could raise their child.
I have a family member right now about to become a single mom. And she is going about it in the right way, if you ask me. Refusing to shell out 1000’s on expensive “toys” and disposables: cribs, strollers, swings, diapers. Instead opting for more frugal options: baby slings, a bassinette, a baby carrier, hand me down clothing, cloth diapers etc. She is planning ahead and saving up for the things the child will need as he grows, instead of perpetually breaking her bank and never being quite stable.
A woman can evaluate HOW to raise her child, at the same time as she evaluates WHETHER to raise her child.
Abort, or hardship, are not the ONLY options.
A wonderful gift in a bad situation? Doesn’t that wonderful gift deserve wonderful parents?
I feel bad for Jules, and I wish her the best. I can see she is trying to make the best out of a not-so-good situation for the sake of this child. An unhappy relationship would not be best for the child and nor would a lack of a father figure. She has options, and they are hers to choose from.
If you don’t like abortion, don’t have one. It’s not your place to judge the people that have them. You can’t act like everyone who aborts just makes a split-second decision to terminate a child. That’s a highly ignorant and simplistic view of the process. She has the right to think it through and determine what she feels is right even if you don’t think it’s right. Everyone has a view on what they feel is proper parenting, and it’s not one singular, universal view.
I see her primary concern is providing a healthy and loving environment for this child. Evan was simply stating that such an environment would not be provided by this man. He did not encourage termination; he merely said it was an option. He did also mention keeping the baby lest you all forget.
My heart goes out to the LW, and it makes me sad to see people bluntly advising her to “just get an abortion.” I’m 110% pro-choice, but I can only imagine what an emotional decision it must be. I hope whatever decision you make, you do it knowing that this guy is probably not going to be there for you, unfortunately.
New flash Lau_ra, I’m pro-choice!
We live in a society of “it’s never good enough.” Who cares what other people do and have. It’s about acceptance and finding peace within yourself.
Aisling – I used to be like you all ‘judging’ about how pregnancy accidentally happens. I used fofm of birth control for years but when I split with my long term ex I removed it as I hated not knowing when my period was going to come it was vital to the depression I began to experience later on. My doctor agreed with me that hormone based contraception was not helpin my moods. that’s all hormones btw. Anyway I stated dating a guy and we used condoms and I managed to get pregnant not entirely sure must of broke but at the time I did not realise it. I had an abortion. He had already dumped me. Then 6 months later I had a one night stand and the guy was a real dick – use were both drunk and he took out his condom, put it on and pulled it off during. When I realised I was horrified. I got the morning after pill and guess what? It did not work. I got an iud/ coil after my second abortion and I hate it but it was the next best thing as its non hormonal. Be careful of you get an abortion because your body can pregnant any real easy in the year afterwards for some reason you are more fertile according to what I’ve heard – anyway people forget that Mistakes genuinely happen and others judge real easy to. Not everyone agrees with hormonal bitry control so lo
Jules, if you have decided to keep the baby, maybe your parents will help out. Abortion is painful and leaves emotional scars (some of my friends have had abortions and still can’t live with their own choices).
Adopting is tough when you’ve gone through the actual pregnancy.
Please make the right choice for you and your baby. I hope that you find a good man, who will be a father to your baby and husband for you.
Hugs from here,
Judy
I’m sure her parents will help out and I pray that they do.
We all need people to “help out” and put someone else’s welfare above their own. These would be people trained and believing in the Judeo-Christian ethic, or in fact, many other world religions.
I see many comments here that are all about “me first.” These same people mock religion as being old-fashioned, or that people who believe in God don’t even have the capacity of logical thought. Yet isn’t it funny that at some point or another we all need those types of self-sacrificing people for our welfare?
Just throwing that out there. I’m not saying that atheists aren’t good people, far from it. I know many. I’m just saying that I am told weekly in church about the necessity of self-sacrifice, and I believe it.
Evan is right on the money with this one. He’s already out the door. She just needs to decide whether she wants the baby or not. However, the option Evan fails to mention is keeping the baby and still nixing him. She can simply commit to being a single parent and neither solicit nor expect any contribution from him at all. If she wants a child and is in a financial position to do this, it’s an option. I wish her the best whatever she decides!
Wow. Looked up this topic because I am in a similar situation. Not exactly but similar aka getting pregnant early on in what seemingly felt like a comfortable and fun relationship. I do not agree with the majority of the responses here. I feel they are offensive and selfishly out of line. Truth is the situation is hard. But, I am a believer that everything happens for a reason and for me this baby without or without her father has been a tremendous gift to me and my life. I am confident in my ablitity to be a single mother if that’s how the cookie crumbles.
Let’s be honest on though, it is a trait of a coward to not take any sort of responsibility not only for knocking someone up as its been said here but to not take responsibility for the actions that caused it. Life happens. We meet people that inspire us to fall in love for our own personal reasons and it is not to be judged by those around us or those reading or sitting on the sidelines of our story to place shame or negativity on our actions or desires.
What the world needs is kinder, more understanding people that engage in their relationship in a more authentic way. Regardless of how long they’ve known each other, where they met or how long it took to finally meet. Life happens. Embrace it and feel no shame for what was REAL AND HONEST FOR YOU.
You’re choosing to carry a child to term that he doesn’t want. He doesn’t have the right to make you have an abortion. It’s your body.
So why do you have the right to make him pay for this child for the next 18 years? How are you being kind and understanding to him?
To be very clear, life doesn’t “happen”. You’re CHOOSING to bring your child to term. He has no choice. That’s not fair – and if you were a more sympathetic person, you’d try to understand things from his perspective instead of your selfish perspective. He’s not a coward. He just doesn’t want to pay half of his income to a woman he doesn’t love for a child he doesn’t want. Put yourself in his shoes and it makes perfect sense.
Hi Evan, I’m a big fan of yours and I love your advice. However, I don’t quite agree on this one. If someone (whether male or female) has unprotected sex, they know they face the possibility of being parents. It’s a shared responsibility. So, if an untended pregnancy happens, they should both face the consequences, I mean, raising the child.
Abortion is another issue. It’s too complex to just say a priori if it’s right or not. I may be biased against it because I’m Catholic though.
That’s your prerogative, Gatica. My point is that it’s a shared responsibility where only ONE person has a say in whether that child comes to term. That seems to be patently unfair and if the roles were reversed and you had to pay for a mistake for 18 years against your will, you might be a little more sympathetic.
You are overreacting you don’t pay half your income. Just support you’re own flesh and blood, simple. If a man doesn’t want a child, use a condom and then I agree he has an opinion, he knows the consequences of sex. And yes he did had a choice to F*ck or not to F*ck. Evan. (3 weeks and having unprotected seks with a stranger ??) don’t put him as a victim nobody forced him, he is a grown man, and life isn’t supposed to be more fair to a man than to a woman. It has nothing to do with sympathy or perspective. Roles will never be reversed things are like they are. They both are stupid the child shoul not be the one who has to suffer ‘this is not fair” BS.
Evan,
Sex is procreative. It was created by God/Nature or whatever you want to believe in to propagate the species.
It is not merely for pleasure, though it is convenient for the male sex especially to believe that.
That is why society has created laws to protect the child. Like it or not, sex implies babies. Any time a man has sex, he has to take into account that he may father a child. Birth control is not fool-proof.
A man also needs to take into account that women in general want marriage and babies (let’s not pretend that modernity has changed a woman’s basic nature so much, although we like to lie to ourselves that way.)
So, no, it’s not fair. But it’s the law.
If you want to have an abortion then that is your choice (thankfully we get to have that choice these days) however if you want to have the baby then do so! I had 2 children to a man I did it all socially correct with, dated for 2 years, engaged for a year and then we married, had 2 children and then 6 years later, he left me! Then I met a man I quickly fell for and I hadn’t dated more then 4 months before I became pregnant. Now I’m 5 months pregnant and he has decided its all too hard and expensive so here I sit divorced, mum of two and pregnant with a ‘looser’ stamp constantly being threatened to be stamped on my head. BUT I have my children, I will have this one (not anymore though) and I will be happy. Sometimes it doesnt matter if you do it the ‘right way’ or the ‘wrong way’ because it may or may not work out the way you hope. All you can do is your best and put your child first. If not having the child is what you believe is best then I won’t judge but rest assured he will be a giant jerk either way so make your decision for yourself and the bub.
Abort…abort…abort…you can see the train wreck coming with this man in your life…
no don’t kill your baby. U don’t need him to complete your happiness.
A baby is your choice not if the farther stays then yes keep it. I am a single mother N I am doing happily fine with the jerk who left. My kid happy n that’s what’s makes me even happy. Abortion is sad n who carries a baby for 9 months n then gives it up. U don’t need him. Unless your basing your life on a stranger u barley knew then that itself show’s the less confident you’re. Be strong n have your baby. It will be the happiest day of your life
I understand Evans point however men fail to understand that having an abortion is not an easy thing to do. Even if the mother does not want the child it can be a devastating ordeal…having something ripped out of your body is not as easy as buying a bag of potato chips at a store. And this is not about religion because I am an agnostic. Almost all of the woman I have known who has had an abortion (about 3) has regretted it and wished they had the baby.
I read your story and I think these people gave you some sage advice my brother works for a child support firm called support kids, let me tell you how many times a parent, boy friend has fallen short in their duties owing years of child support and the parent has to turn to public asst. just to get by people should take sex more seriously because the outcome can screw up your life for years to come hard to find work baby sitter than you have to come home to a baby after a long day of work now imagine that for years to come.
You guys are all wrong, talking about abortion! Whats wrong with you people. I can tell none of you are christians. Jules, sweet heart, I am currently a single mother, and am pregnant right now. My son is 2 years old. Yes it terribly difficult to raise a child on your own. But it has nothing to do with the father, if you love your child you would do the right thing. Sweet heart dont go to hell listening to these people. Its sin to murder anyone, and an abortion os a form of murder. The best choice is just to have the baby and just leave it at the hospital. Then they can give it to a family that truly wants a baby. Please dont listen to these nuckleheads. God says, he chidlren Parrish due to the lack of knowledge. Im informing you that its a sin to murder so now you know. God bless you
Hi, I think a lot of thinking should be done by this lady at which point she is in her life and if she can provide and want and love and cherish a child, the guy should be taken out of the equation.
I had an abortion fairly recently, and I just can’t seem to get over it… I’m struggling with life a bit now and feeling really depressed and can’t stop thinking about it. I am not quite sure what to do. It’s had a huge impact on my life and I don’t know which steps to take to move forwards from this. I wish I had given it more thought.
You guys are stupid. She should keep the child no matter what her stupid immature little boyfriend thinks. Obviously she’s OLDER and not a teenager if her little “boyfriend” has two kids of his own already. Abortion is a terrible idea, for ANYONE. If you even think about it, you’re a terrible person. That’s taking away someone’s life. Someone who might not ever be born again. You don’t know. So stop saying it. It’s a cruel punishment for an unwanted child.
I m in similar situation wit Jules my man of 3 yrs inpregnated me and suggested. abortion i told him t Hell im 34 weeks preggy now i v put everythn dwn and edy 4my baby im patiently waitn 4 his arrival. Jules u r d person dt cn tke dcision 4urself
Jules congratz on your baby. I’m unaware if this is a new or old post. my intent is that assist whomever in need. we all have our factors and circumstances. There are many single mothers who did it. there are many single mothers who were not sucessful in raising their child. i assure you whatever YOU decide for yourself the Lord will not place more on you than you can bear. I am a single mother. I was married for 13yrs. divorced now seven years. everyone has their own thoughts AND experience on/toward marriage. my husband treated me as a princess. i am a mother of SEVEN. i’m currently pregnant-our situations aren’t identical similar- we met in day to day passing. later he introduce me to his family, we learned quickly we have neutral friends, i currently live near his family. **the father does not know i’m pregnant** for about a month he’s BECOME distant……i have been down this road{pregnant without the father} more than once. i was never abandoned but once{my last child with my husband}. he was bitter about the divorce. the current father of this baby WE ACTUALLY DISCUSSED becoming pregnant. since a lot has changed DRASTICALLY WITHIN OUR CONNECTION. i do not know the typa person you are. I will share with you on any path in life and on my path as a single parent-there was good, bad, hard AND rough. my children range 18, 14, 10, 9, 8, 6, 3 . you can do anything THAT YOU WANT TO DO, it is always how bad do you want it. PREGNANT n’ a single mom: i started a business, went through nursing school, got my wound care license, admin. license and now currently finishing my case mgmt license. i worked 12,13,15 hr shifts. **NO WELFARE, MEDICAL OR WIC** we all have a story. i have girlfriends that have TWO and they look at me in aaawww asking how do i do it. keep your head up-easier said then done. i’ve had abortion{S} and miscarriages. no matter what you decide i promise you it will impact YOUR life. no that no one has to live with that choice BUT YOU. also know no matter what YOU decide for yourself all will have something to say BUT it is only YOU that must “and will” live with it. seek the understanding of the Lord n’ not your own. i do not look like what i been through. i look 18-19 years and as if i do not even look like i even have children. the Lord’s grace and mercy. PRAY JULES, PRAY!
Q,
I so agree. We are capable of more than we think, with God’s help. We need to pray and ask for divine help. It DOES come.
People want to get into arguments or refuse this divine gift of love. Why? It’s available to all — it’s free. We as humans by ourselves are selfish — I know I am. But I pray and ask to be who Jesus wants me to be, and all of a sudden I find I can forgive and move on and do more. It’s up to us — we just have to ask.
There are two sides to this and what it comes down to preference on what she has decided to do. I was deeply touched my Carrie’s comment (43) and shook my head at Evan’s response to her. You can also say its selfish for the man to ask for her abort, just the same as it would be considered selfish for a woman to decide to bring up a child.
The truth is that both parties decided to have sex and there is a risk of pregnancy when it comes to sex. A man doesn’t have a right to decide what a woman should with her body. Just as a woman doesn’t have a right to decide whether a man should pay or not. I know plenty of woman who have had abortions and are now at an age where they cannot conceive or they have had difficulties in conceiving.
Evan, unless you are a woman who now has many hormones running through her and a child growing inside of her. You have NO IDEA on what this woman is going through. You solely see this woman as a selfish person because she is deciding on what to do. She can adopt, she can receive assistance from others, she can decide to raise this child WITHOUT the father in her life and without his income! Her life is not dependent on this man’s ability to provide for her and her child.
Whatever she decides to choose is her choice and her choice to make. Next time, try thinking outside of yourself to see the other possibilities that exist.
I totally disagree with the abortion thing, ryt nw as im speaking nw im in the situation as she is, im 9 weeks pregnant, bt the baby dad broke up with me.and when I told him abt the baby, he said he doesn’t wnt a baby.it ws hard I dnt wnna lie to u, I ws even considering to abort, bt then sumthng came into my mind, dt wt if dis baby is my 1st n last baby on earth, and many woman are struggling to hv babies nw because they had aborted a long tym ago.so my sister tk dis advice from me, dnt abort cause it wnt be worth it. Dts wt im doing ryt nw.and wen my baby is born, im gnna love him/her wholeheartedly no matter wat.
God bless you for choosing to have that child. Please develop a good support system and utilize any help that is available to you. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.
I find it quite telling that pretty much all of the pro-lifer’s posts are littered with spelling and grammatical errors, while the pro-choice side is not. The pro-lifer’s are naturally Christian and yet they have been the most judgmental in this thread. This makes me sadder than Jules’ situation.
Im not going to let you get away with a simple-minded pro-life equals stupid, pro-choice is smart, educated and morally superior statement. A pregnant women has an almost god-like power of life or death over this very young life growing inside her and the answer will not come from reason or logic alone. Its a very spiritual decision and the women who are most connected to their hearts and souls will make better decisions over the long run than using logic alone. The best decisions are made when heart, soul and head are all on-board! I think that intelligent people sometimes have a liability because they spend so much time inside their head that they get disconnected from their heart. It is easy to rationalize ALL KINDS of bad behavior and bad decisions. Im saying that very smart people have done some very evil things. Have some humility!
Well said! *Applause*
Evan-
I feel your response to saying he shouldn’t have to pay is very selfish!!!
I was in a similar situation – though the father made me meet his son- talked about marriage w me- even spoke to his son about it and even said he loved me- my relationship was for 3 months and that isn’t long- it was too intense and before I found out I was pregnant – we had a convo to take it slow-
We both had consensual unprotected sex- he’s was 42- as a 32 yr old woman I took responsibility to keeping it- bc I have never gotten pregnant and in my circumstance I knew it was my responsibility and if this was gods way of bringing a life in then so be it! When I told the father – he freaked- w in time I knew he would bail-
Where was the I love u now? It was fine before!
When he decided to not play a role – I said ok- I will raiser it on my own and I expect nuthing from u-
I was hurt- my relationship to a man who portrayed someone else shattered me and now I’m taking on a huge role- a role I know how so many hardships and triumphs-
A month before I gave birth I asked to meet him – I revisited his feelings – he said it was innapropriate to how he treated me and wanted to be apart 100%
I still expected 0 from him!
I only expected him to be apart of her! Bc we are over doesn’t mean his child shouldn’t have a relationship – and he decided to be apart! The day of delivery he brought his son in- mind u he did not tell him he was having a sister- and pushed the son infront of him and said there’s ur sister! Wich now I know that 8 ur old will have serious issues bc 2 wks later he stopped calling texting and all the things he said he wanted to do like contribute, and he can’t be away from his kids- he did coward out!
But I still remain determined to not ask for child support! Some tell me I should- and some tell me to move on-
And I chose to let go! A child deserves love and a stable environment by people who choose to willingly love them unconditionally – and I honestly never had examples of men like that in my life so I will not expose her to it-
If a man actively prosues a woman and knocks her up no matter how long or short they know each other it is his obligation as hers go care for that child no matter if they r no longer emotionally involved and if a man doesn’t wanna knock up the girl he dates honestly HE SHOULD NOT DATE HER!
I tried to be civil w him on all aspects to have a healthy communication to his daughter and he didn’t want it- I now feel sorry for his son that was exposed to having a sister he now hasn’t seen and may never see-
And honestly no one can tell a woman to terminate a pregnancy- iam pro life- pro choice- and my circumstance is unfortunate but I took responsibility-
My lil girl is so beautiful and so sweet at 3months old- her father is a classic duesche at 42 yrs old! And it’s sad in this day and age that men r no longer men! I went on his ques – I believed him- though during the relationship I was unfolding truths that were not true- when I tried to slow things down it was too late-
In my circumstance I do hold him accountable for his actions- u say u can’t force a man to pay for a kid he didn’t want- he should of wrapped it he should of taken his own percaution- and he didn’t! I took my responsibility and no abortion wasn’t an answer to my irresponsible feelings!
He should pay child supprt if he chooses not to be in that child’s life- but I chose to keep it- and I choose to raise it-
Men should know right from wrong and know how to be men when they act like boys!
“I knew it was my responsibility and if this was gods way of bringing a life in then so be it!” Thus, it seems to be up to you and God. My point is that he has no say in what happens and yet he has to pay for it. I’m not saying your guy is a good guy. I’m saying that this was your choice.
This is not a matter of saying any tin u want to do u do it. Right now u have only one choice here and that is giving that baby an opportunity to live, u never can tel that babies future, you may benefit from it. Most of the celebrities u see today have single parents and they are still great. He may come back beggin for dat child xpecially wen dat child becomes a star. So be strong girl and be hard working too remember u are now a father and a mother. Yes u can do it. I am pregnant too and am keeping my innocent child. I love him
I am gonna be completely honest with how I felt and what I thought as I was reading your post…you have known this man for less than a year, you said you think you are falling in love with him, and during the short time you have been involved with him, he is pulling away, being distant, and showing a lack of interest and desire…in your mind do you truly believe that you are going to be making the right choice by having a baby with a man who has shown you everything opposite of commitment? There are way too many children being born simply because the woman wants to try and trap and keep the baby daddy for 18 years….you are going to raise a child in a already broken home that, in all reality, clearly has no future and I’m pretty sure you know this but don’t want to come to terms with the facts. If he isn’t interested you should do some serious thinking about whether or not you would feel right about the life you are going to doom your baby too. Sorry, but I am obviously pro-choice, but there are too many neglected children and abused children who were born to women who think that having a baby will make a crumbling relationship sturdy again or think that that baby will insure that man stays with you. He can, and maybe will, run as fast and as far as he can and u will never see him again more than a signature on a child support check and a little face that is a spitting image of your ex that you will have to look at for the rest of your life and is a constant reminder of the fact that you could have chosen a better path for both of you. Think before you decide that having a baby will fix a breaking relationship or an already broken one.
I’m sorry but I think u are a little harsh on Jules. One it matters of the heart and she has a baby with this guy, that makes for a very hard situation. She said he already has two kids so I think he would support this one too he’s done it before. Let’s. Not forget that guys do change when their girl is pregnant they tend to back off cause they don’t know what to do or how to be or they’re afraid of hurting u or the baby. And full on texting and excitement does wear off a little guys aren’t always big texting people any… I’m not saying Evan is wrong but there are other factors too and other ways of saying it. Yes this girl does sound very young….
Let me say this. I had my first child at 19. I was alone, scared and the dad didn’t stick around and hasn’t seen our child in 8 years now. Shes now 10. Guess what? It was hard but I raised a beautiful young baby on my own. I now have a 2 year old and went thru the whole court process for custody, my 2 year Olds dad is married now and has another baby and him and our child’s relationship is great! I might be pregnant with my 3rd child now. I personally wouldn’t ever get an abortion or choose to put my child up for adoption. As long as you have mental strength and a positive attitude then you will be fine if you choose to keep it. Not sure how long ago you posted this question but yea… dont trust no one to be there for you, make sure you know in your heart you will do everything in you god Givin power to raise and be there for this child with out a doubt! Me and my 2 kids are happy and thats all that matters. Keep your head up.
abortion is never a solution…wat if its u only child ? im also pregnant n my boyfriend wants nothing to do with me o my child but ill never kill the innocent child
Hi Jenna,
I’m not sure how old this post is, but I would like to share my story. I knew a man for 5 years we graduated Basic Training together, but kept in touch. He would always try to pursue me, but I never took him seriously because I was seriously dating someone myself. However me and my ex ended things after 5 years. It took me a while to date and actually consider anyone’s feelings, because I felt like working on myself is what’s best. Well the man I knew for 5 years came back into the picture and I gave in. We started texting a lot more and he wanted to get to know me more on a personal level rather than just a friend level and I considered this. Well, we started dating and after 4 months I ended up pregnant. When I found out initially I was pregnant me and him decided to move on so my world came crashing down. What do I do? Do I tell him? If I tell him he’s a good guy and we’ll make it work. Lol sorry I have to laugh at myself for being so hopeful. Well I told him the news and he was happy and said we will do what we have to do to take care of the baby. After revealing the news to him I didn’t hear from him for a week. I reached out to him letting him know I told my mom, he wasn’t very supportive. He told me he thinks I should abort it! My heart sank, thoughts running through my mind. The next day I spoke to him about it and he came off confused. I told him if he wants me to get rid of the baby to send me the money, but he never sent the money. So I assumed well I guess he’s still considering it and maybe he does want me to keep this baby. Lol again I laugh at myself. This man did a 360 called me on MOTHERS DAY coercing me into aborting my child. By then I heard the baby’s heartbeat and I literally felt the baby growing inside of me. I told myself no way. I will have faith I will be hopeful. But whatever route I choose he will never feel what I frlt. If I chose to open my legs and let a stranger suction a living human out of my body than I don’t deserve to live, I don’t deserve a man, I don’t deserve to be a mom, and I will suffer. I took ownership that me and the father made a mistake and yes it hurts! But I said I’m keeping my child whether he likes it or not and I’m raising the baby MY WAY. Right now im 5 months and I have yet to see him. Since the pregnancy so far he’s been nothing but scared. What a coward right? A man can make a bby but not step up? I’m a true believer in Karma. There were times during my pregnancy he sold us dreams of living together and being a family and then he would do a 360 and change his mind. Like I said I have yet to see him and im 5 months we talked about seeing eachother and then he informs me his ex is going out there too. Lol yes so now an ex is in involves! I accepted this man is crszy and what goes around comes around. I love seeing my son at his appointments it makes me happy. It’s not easy yes it’s hard, everyday I think about why he’s doing this to us. But it does get better and you will be okay. When you hold that baby in your arms it will be the biggest reward and youll laugh at all the love the father of your child is missing out on. You keep your child make the best of it and give your child all the love they need. I am a true believer in marriage and family, but that doesn’t mean God will not give you a second chance and not send you a man that will love you and your child. Trust me you when he holds that baby he will regret everything he’s done, but for now worry about you your baby’s health your health and making it work. You will be okay. So men get scared and come around, some never do, but at the end of the day the woman always carries the burden of a child. I’ve seen marriages where men lack in paying attention to their children and next thing you know their children grow up up right before their eyes, but the wife always feels content, because she didn’t chesf herself of a such a love so beautiful. So whether he’s there or not, who cares. Keep that baby and give them the best love they deserve you will be fine! Always remember you can be pregnant with a superstar, model, scientist, doctor, actor so enjoy these moments. You will get through it. My heart goes out to you. I hope this helped.
I couldn’t believe what I just read … my boyfriend is 27, I’m 20. I just found out that I’m 6 weeks pregnant. He acted supportive at first… but now it’s already changing.
I totally feel for you Jules. I don’t agree with a lot of this abortion talk… as my last pregnancy I left my home just to keep a child my ex didn’t want… and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Abortion is a word people just throw around now a days. You wanted the sex. You weren’t raped, you didn’t get pregnant against your will. Pregnancy happens for a reason. Everything does… and clearly, you got pregnant because you were meant to be a mother. By the sounds of it, you’ll do great too. As long as you don’t let people with thier negative comments get you down.
Take care xoxo
Hi Jules I came across your post after going on Google to try and get a bit of support & answers to my own questions. I am in a similar situation to yours. I am pregnant too & to a man who I met online & for a while I’ve felt him distancing himself from me. I feel so alone & know that as I write this that our relationship is almost over. I hope you are coping OK & everything goes OK with the baby.
Super patronising and unhelpful advice. I hope you are never in an emotionally complex situation, Evan, of that that if you find you are, a complete stranger bestows some similarly hard hitting words of “wisdom” (read, unsophisticated and thinly veiled self-interested agenda).
You aren’t the oracle, you can’t know for sure what is with this guy. Also 4 months of interaction mean he wasn’t a stranger. I don’t buy the men and women are so different line. I felt myself unattracted to my current boyfriend after a couple of months but this was a phase. People are fluid.
In this day and age, with so many forms of contraception available to us women, how does anyone “end up” pregnant, unless they intended to?
Please, ladies/girls, don’t get pregnant unless you’re married. Trying to tie a guy to you with a child he doesn’t want, doesn’t work.
And unless you’re independently wealthy, odds are you’re going to end up on welfare, so that responsible people, like myself, end up footing your child-raising bill when the dad refuses or is unable to. And add to that you lose your carefree youth to motherhood. You’ll work much, much harder than non-mothers to make ends meet.
Don’t this to yourselves. Please always, always use contraception. No matter how much you “love” the guy. If he’s not your husband, make sure you never get pregnant, especially if you know you will need government help to raise the child. “Government help” comes out of the pockets of regular citizens like you and me, not some disembodied entity that grows money.
KE, I don’t think lower-income women even want the fathers to be around. They want a collective government husband to pay for them and their children. It’s a source of supplemental income that they seek out through getting pregnant IMO.
I know of at least one woman for whom this statement is true. I’m sure there are many, many others, particularly the lower-income women.
That said, I believe that the majority of women, lower-income or not, get pregnant because they believe, often mistakenly, that getting pregnant will get them the commitment they seek OR somehow cause the men to love them or “change back” to the guy who was courting her. We all know how charming those guys are and how magical courtship can be. They think having a child will take them back to that place.
It may well be so for men who are family oriented and already married to her. But nowadays, since there’s no longer any stigma for men to father children out of wedlock, men won’t be trapped or coerced by pregnancy to marry his baby mama.
Women, especially those in lower socioeconomic classes need to know that sex doesn’t mean a guy loves her and that pregnancy doesn’t solve relationship issues.
If he’s not your husband make sure you never get pregnant? How does that work? We all know that BC can fail. I’m curious as to why couples aren’t talking about this before jumping into the sack. We’re encouraged to share things like STD results, but don’t want to talk about what will happen if a child is accidentally made.
I sympathize with Jules here, truly I do, but I also wondered how she “ended up” pregnant? Even if you forget your pill, the condom breaks and/or you have that “spontaneous” moment with no protection–there’s emergency contraception like Plan B that can be used to prevent pregnancy.
I’ll never forget a 12 year old girl I knew at my junior high school, who got pregnant. I also knew of other teenagers later on in high school, who were single mothers (in fact, there were so many single mothers the school created its own day care center there on campus). Growing up seeing that scared me for life! Please don’t do this to yourselves ladies!
wow! where did you go to high school?
I have been with a man for a year..found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago, and I’ve absolutely no compassion, suppory, reaction, acknowledge from him..all he is concerned about is seeing who will go with him to see Star Wars. It hurts. He said he loved me, blah blah..
But neither of are ready for a child…but, he will not support me emotionally through this heart breaking experience. It is a really tough spot…to watch the man you love turn into a complete coward. It’s not fair. We both knew what we were doing. Now I have to go through this process alone, and mentally I’m not sure I’m going to make it. I honestly wish I could hug women going through this. It takes two to get pregnant, he should be there for you through this.
Please send prayers.
Hi Jules and everyone,
I can identify myself with you because I am going through a similar situation. I am 31 years old and he is 25 years old. Since day one I told him my age, and I fell for him since he seemed mature and very interested in me. He treated me better than most guys would treat me. We met in June and I got pregnant by the end of August. We both obviously didn’t think about the consequences about having unprotected sex with the pull out method. Everything was great, we had a strong connection, and we couldn’t get enough of each other. I fell for him very quickly. When I told him I was pregnant he ask me what was my plan. I told him I would never have an abortion and I wanted to keep my baby. I told him that just because I was pregnant he didn’t need to stay with me, but he gave me a hug and told me we would get through it together. I genuinely believed him, until October came around and he started acting weir, distant, cold, grouchy, all the interest and affection he had was gone. In two occasions when I looked for him it took him 2 full days to reply to my calls and messages. He told me he had a lot going on in his mind and needed time to analyze and figure things out. In another occasion I found out that he went out with his ex girlfriend whom he dated on and off for 7 years. I confronted him last night as to why he doesn’t look for me like he used to and why he gives me the cold shoulder. I also mentioned to him about our plans to move in together. He tells me know that he is not sure about that anymore. He also told me that he still talks to his ex girlfriend and that they have a civil communication/friendship. And that he would not take his pictures off Facebook to when they dated back. I think it is very disrespectful to have picture memories out in public of a past relationship. He tells me that it is not my fault and that not to blame myself for his sudden change, but that he very confused. Everything happened so fast and having a child was not in his plans. Apparently he wants to be in the baby’s life, but after what he told me last night I don’t think I want my baby to know about him. I asked him why he never touches my stomach or show affection to the baby at least. And his answer was that the fact that I had something alive and growing in my stomach freaked him out and that he didn’t like the feeling of touching my stomach. It is obvious that he did not want to be a father and is not ready. He doesn’t care about me either, even when I bring out that I’d like for us to be like we used to and now more than ever try our hardest to bond to see if we can provide our baby with a family. He tells me that regardless whatever happens between us he will be there for the baby. I don’t know what to think, my gut feeling tells me to give up on him let him go and go on my own. I don’t want to see him ever again in my life. I am shattered and he has hurt me a lot, I’d rather take the responsibility on my own. It is obvious that he only wants to be in my baby’s life because he feels its his responsibility too, but not because he wants to. Since day one when I found out I was pregnant I had mixed emotions of shock, scared but I fell in love with my baby. I’m 5 months and I can’t wait to meet my bundle of joy. I have my family’s support and love to my baby and I that if we were not in his plans and freak him so much we don’t need him in our lives either. I hope I don’t sound selfish, but I don’t want my father to have his confused father in and out of his life.
Every decision we make is a life lesson. Some persons are lessons. Some are blessings. Either way, this is YOUR LIFE. You take the pen and create your own chapters. Forget that he’s not wanting to be involved. As hard as that may be. Now you have larger purpose. Which is to focus on you and baby. Marriage doesn’t all ways guarantee a happy ending. Neither does loving long term relationships prior to pregnancies. You are now faced with a new chapter . Stop challenging what you already know. Stop allowing miserable people to corrupt what may be a blessing to you. Girlfriend…. take control of your life. God equipped all of us with reasoning… Use yours not anyone’s else. After all. Its your life, your baby….
Evan…. If he doesn’t want to pay. He shouldn’t lay. Enough said. 2 persons made a decision to have unprotected sex. 2 person then have the responsibility to nurture and care for the child conceived from irresponsible behaviors. People are lessons or blessings. decide your own faith.
Wow, Evan. You really spelled it out for her.
Evan there are some things as a man you will never understand. Im all for pro choice. I couldnt give a shit what any other woman in the world does. Thats why I’m pro choice. But I would never ever ever have an abortion myself. It wouldnt be possible for me to give up on my baby growing inside me.
You as a man, couldnt understand that.
“A life of hardship” because the child is raised by a single mother? That sounds more like anti gay people say gay parents having a child will give that child a “life of hardship” because they dont have 2 sexes as parents.
Sigh. The old “if you haven’t lived it, you can’t understand it.” I say bullshit. I’ve been giving dating and relationship advice since I was a 31 year old kid who’d never had a girlfriend for longer than six months. Therapists help people all the time even if they didn’t have the same experience. It’s called empathy. And just because I offer advice that you may not like doesn’t mean I’m mean, or foolish, or clueless. It just means you don’t like my advice. Nothing more, nothing less.
My wife is pro-choice but anti-abortion. I really do understand that position. But while someone like me would choose to terminate the pregnancy to avoid hardship, my wife would carry the child to term, regardless of the circumstances. That’s not political. That’s personal. Take a second to Google and you’ll see that, in fact, children who come from two-parent families have, on the whole, far greater outcomes in life – more education, fewer drugs, less crime, better chances of creating their own stable families. That is not an insult to single mothers. It’s the world’s hardest job. But that doesn’t mean that a child wouldn’t stand to do better with a stable marriage, a male role model and another income. It IS harder for single mothers and it’s not insulting to point that out.
Yes its harder but it does not mean the kid will have a “life of hardship”. Growing up my best friend was raised by a single mom, while I grew up with picture perfect parents.
She went on to get a Phd got married and has two kids, wheras my parents eventually divorced out of the blue when I was 16, a messy divorce, and this completely fucked me up and here I am still single at 40. I was thrown around various boarding schools, took drugs, got drunk often etc… She never did any of that. She never rebelled like I did, she respected her hard working mama too much for that. Yes I would say my life was harder even though my family was better off financially and all my childhood people joked that my parents stepped out of a glossy magazine as they seemed so perfect and in love and they were, they never ever fought or raised their voice.
What Im saying is that everyone has challenges. You can raise a perfectly healthy happy child even if you’re single. Waiting to find the perfect mate doesn’t guarantee they will stay forever.
I’m talking about broader statistical trends. You’re talking about exceptions. If you’re 5’11” and I’m 5’9″, does that suddenly mean that “men are generally taller” ceases to be true? You can give me 100 examples of fucked up kids from two parent families and successful kids from broken homes and it still doesn’t mean that kids fare better with single parents. Google it. You’ll see.
The fact is that in low income uneducated communities there is a high percentage of single mothers because they aren’t educated enough on safe sex in those communities. And in those communities life is hard and a lot of people use drugs and alcohol. Lets say about 65% of single mothers come from very low income backgrounds and aren’t college educated. And lets say 100% of the kids in those communities have a hard life and use drugs. That means that the statistics already show that 65% of kids of single moms have a hard life. And lets say another 5% of kids in middle class communities of single mothers who have a college degree also end up have a life of hardship. That shows that 70% of kids of single moms have a life of hardship. But these statistics also reveal that kids in middle class communities with a college educated parent have a 95% chance of success.
Im just making up those statistics to show you how those statistics you read aren’t necessarily reliable. A single parent isn’t a formula to a life of hardship. But a low income uneducated community might be
I have 2 friends of single moms. The both did very well. Im not even talking about kids whose parents got divorced. Im talking about never meeting their dad. Im giving examples from the only 2 I know personally.
Do you personally know kids who grew up with single moms who had a life of hardship?
My best friends mom was a hard working secretary, still she always had higher grades than me, despite my highly educated parents who never fought at home and even managed to fool me that they were the perfect couple. Im saying its totally possible to raise happy kids as a single parent. Not saying its easy of the parent.
Now that I think of it my mom’s mom was a single parent too. My mom is very successful CEO, happily remarried mother of 4 never took drugs and hardly ever drinks alcohol
We cant live life reading statistics all day. We gotta try our best to go after what we want in life.
Here’s what I did. I eliminated him out the picture and said if I was doing this alone will I be ok. Answer was yes. I’m 26 second child. I also said forget what people think. When I was 16 I had an abortion though. so I’m more pro choice.
am also in the same problem,am three weeks pg but my bf does not want to take responsibility but I love my baby so much,even if am not financially stable ,will not terminate it
I haven’t read all the postings about this…but I’m in the opposite side of the topic. Dating less than four (4) months and she is with child…about seven (7) weeks. She has always been on the pill and we have a VERY active sex life. I’m not against having children, but I am 41 YO. And have not had any to date. She has two (2) great boys now and I felt we have been moving in the right direction…until the news. I am a grown man that accepts what will come of this…good or bad. We had the exclusive talk about six (6) weeks ago and my profile hasn’t been active for over three (3) month’s. I have checked the status of hers several times, just to see if it’s been deleted or active. Within days of the baby bombshell, she was active and continues to do so. I looked passed it, even after the exclusive talk. Now that she is pregnant and confirmed with me in the room. I can no longer dismiss this as commitment issues on her part. I will love the child and be the best father I can. I just don’t see doing that with someone that is searching for something better.
Good on you Ryan!!
If the man refuses to take full responsibility and tells you to abort it dont even think about it. Just wait for the months to pass and deliver the baby and you can look for couples who can take care of it , than ending that little angel in your tummy
when the man that itrusted dump me cause irefused to abort my baby and idont regret it at all cause iwill sacrifice myself for my little angel .
🙂 so dont force yourself to someone who doesnt value you at all .Its better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t Appreciate auwsome you.
I have read many of the posts here. I have been a single mother for nearly 15 years. I think there is something to be considered when discussing pregnant women’s potential decisions to abort and all of the talk about absentee fathers and the possibly of their being in and out of their children’s lives. Personally, I think that fathers love their children, whether they planned to impregnate the mothers or not. The following is for pregnant women whose male partners have stepped back: You need to realize that just because a man walks away from YOU does not necessarily mean he wants nothing to do with his child. Sometimes you are the barrier between a man and his child. (Not cool.) Many children born to unwed mothers do not HAVE TO experience being raised without having a relationship with their fathers. A lot of times it is bitter mothers who feel that because the father does not want HER, he must not want anything to do with the child that he helped to produce. I do understand that there are those males who walk away and stay away just because they choose not to be around. Moms, I guarantee you that if you stop clawing at that man for him to show YOU love and affection and be open to the FACT that he does not want you; when you accept that this child is his too and that a relationship between the two would be beneficial for the child (in some cases), and own up to the idea that YOU chose to let him in (literally) and now there is a baby involved, your world will be a much better place. You have to be open-minded by showing Daddy that you are a big girl…that yes, the two of you created a life together, and “…despite our failed relationship, you are most welcome in our child’s life.”
I’m in the same position you are Jules I made it clear to my boyfriend that I will the baby regardless he is there or not I’ve been a single parent for 22 years I can do it again you can as well open your eyes he is not the man you need in your life. Good luck
yes ..! I read about the story and the comments … Above … For me …. Just be a mother of your child and expect for having a new life with your baby…. You may not be a fighting lover ..” But you being a good mother for you future children~~ losing your boyfriend is not matter for having a baby ~~~ yes it’s hurt but it’s not good to your health …Thinking you’re ex boyfriend? It cannot helf during your pregnancy…. Make a better and New life .. After 2 months you can realize .it .. You just remember you just waisting your time and tears of someone who doesn’t give you special ~~~ love your self my dear …. Ofcourse your unborn child…
I think is not fair at all
THIS MAN DOESN’T WANT A CHILD WITH A WOMAN HE JUST MET ON THE INTERNET!!!
I hate women like this
this guy will for ever hate you for doing this and he will hate his child too!!
I’m disgusted about some of the comments I read, a child is gift from God planned or not planned.im 34W3D pregnant the father didn’t want the baby from the start but I told him that im against abortion I will never take an innocent life.
we fight a lot but when it comes to the child he now puts the child needs first be cause I helped him understand that we might have not planned to have a baby but God’s timing is the best , he also confessed when I was about 28 weeks pregnant that he was just scared of the thought of being responsibke for another life and he thanks me daily for being strong enough to carry this child and not giving into the abortion idea.
Wow what the hell is wrong with u telling her she should abort her child because of your feelings on it. My father wasn’t round for me. When I was 4 my momma found another man he raised me and I’m a teen mom of 2 handsome boys 1 belongs to my fiance the other he has helped raise. Not all men are assholes. It’s a package deal. Abortion is not a game. Don’t encourage people to have an abortion the only way they should be ok is if the mother would die or the fetus has a health issue that it would die. This makes me so freaking angry I don’t even know what to say.
Jeezz why are u all arguing over this?!?A child brought up without a dad doesn’t mean he or she will be a thug,,,drug addict n all that.Can those who are whining so bad abt it listen to uaselves a mum can do raise da kid so well n later on make him or her understand y da daddy isn’t around n they will surely get it,,,,,,wat do u want da single mum to do wen the guy doesn’t want da pregnancy?!?Abort?huh!that’s all that ever comes to ua mind jeezz thnk of da consequences I’ll rather have the pregnancy than have the guilt n later on consequences for a life time.Hey never base ua decisions on the advice of ppl who don’t have to deal with the consequences.
This exact thing happened to me 2 years ago. Exact same scenario. I was 37 at that time, already had 2 kids from my previous marriage. Many friends and family members advised me to abort. I could not do it. I would not do it. I went through the pregnancy alone, with the support of my own parents. It was a lonely and difficult road, but I survived it. Now, I have the most beautiful 21 month old baby boy in the world. The father has stepped up now and spends time with his son regularly. I gave up on him when he abandoned me when I was 6 months pregnant. I never looked back. It makes it very difficult for me to find someone for myself to love, my own relationship, but having my son is something I have never regretted. I ignored all of the many many judgmental people out there of me not being married and having gotten pregnant by someone I dated for 2 months. Do not use a diaphram. It failed me. But I did not fail myself. Women are so strong. It is a personal decision. Advising one to abort is stepping way over the line. Having an abortion is a very violent thing to go through and, yes it can ruin your emotional life much more than having a healthy child for the rest of your life. People are so quick to take the easy way out. Afraid of a challenge. My children are surrounded by so many that love them. There is nothing wrong with a loving mother raising her kids on her own. I do it every day and love every minute of it. Stop judging others. I would rather raise my children alone in loving and supportive home than to have a narcissistic man here that provided no support whatsoever. I like this website very much but this article was disturbing. A man has no footing to advise a woman on such matters. I am sorry if scientific evidence suggests otherwise, but I have lived it. You can do this.Be strong, believe in yourself, pray. good luck to you
I must say one more thing after my previous post and having read others comments. I was always pro choice. I am a college educated woman. I am not uber Christian. I was pro choice until my then husband screamed at me for days, belittled me and brow beat me to abort our third child while in a marriage of 10 years. I always regretted it and the abortion ruined my life. I became very sick from it. Was hospitalized and the dr had left fetal tissue in my body which made me very sick. This was the reason for the end of my marriage. I was never the same and was told I would never have another child again due to scarring. The abortion ruined my life. Abortion is so violent and the emotional scars will never leave you. So yes, when I became pregnant after dating someone for only 2 months, I kept that baby. Despite all the odds and all of the unbelievable amount of judgment I have received since, I am proud to say I had my son alone. I will never regret it. Be proud ladies. Hold your head up high. It is a hard road but you can do it if you believe in yourself. Never let anyone tell you any different.
Year 2016, July 2nd. Listen, there is nothing wrong with abortion. The same people saying something is wrong with it will not lift a finger to help you raise a very needy human. One chick talked about how bad an abortion would emotionally scar you, then referred to an abortion as “the easy way out” LOL! Have the abortion please. Move on & make better decisions.
Here’s the thing that bothers me so much about a simple solution, abortion, is nothing in life is permanent. You could be married and have the perfect husband and he goes overseas for the military and gets killed while you are pregnant. You should abort cuz of the stigma of single mom? You could carry the baby to term and the great guy cheats and leaves you. You have a newborn and nothing. Nothing in life is “easy”. Don’t listen to Evan. He’s obviously never had an abortion. He doesn’t live with the guilt emotionally, psychologically of what an abortion can do. And having both experiences it’s hard to be a single parent but people choose their destiny, they aren’t stuck because of their upbringing. There are many successful wonderful people who came from a single parent household. Ask yourself if you can love that baby enough to sacrifice. If the answer is yes, don’t be bullied into an abortion. People think they have the answers but its what YOU can handle and live with. Not them.
This is horrible. These are not cues from religion it’s logic and consequences. You have unprotected sex and are either too irresponsible or immature to deal with it. That is the purpose of sex; to procreate not for “pleasure”. Sure, I’d be lying if I said I too didn’t have sex for the plain reason that it feels amazing but if you are too immature to deal with what comes after then you shouldn’t be doing it. You can have a child and not have the father there and I’m sure that baby will be loved by so many others it won’t notice. It’s irrelevant to say that I’d be different if she were a teenager as opposed to a woman; I’ve met very mature and hardworking teenagers that pull through and even are very recognized doctors now and have met extremely uneducated women who are so unprepared. So, this advice as well as the people who agreed and tell poor Jules that she has basically no chance without this so called boyfriend, get a life. Perhaps you shouldn’t give advice if it’s going to be as idiotic as this one was. Jules, you don’t need a man, you and him both made that baby but if you choose to keep it but leave him and his immature issues then do it. I’m sure you’ll be able to move forward and give you baby what he/she needs to live as a healthy baby. Anyway, for the first several years babies survive on just breastmilk. (:
As I am reading everyone comments, I noticed how so many of us feel the need to judge. Men and women enjoy sex. Both genders know that sex can cause pregnancy. Both genders can prevent pregnancy. Yet only the female is left with the choice between abortion (“killing my baby”) or single parenthood. I see a lot of comments that seem to suggest that if the guy does not want the pregnancy he should not be held responsible. “He won’t step up to the plate”. Or worse yet the “there are no accidental pregnancies (once again a women judging another women). I am in the medical field and have seen women conceive after they had their tubes tied or after their husbands had vasectomies. Anyway, single parenthood is so very hard. So do not feel guilty if you do not feel up to it. However, if you want the baby ,keep it and do not feel guilty about filing for child support. Just know that life will probably be harder. I wish you great happiness.
Fact of the matter if you can’t support your child regardless of the father present or absent, Do what’s best for the child and give him/her back to God! He’s a understanding God and will be there no matter what decision! As Adults kids should not have to pay for their parents mistakes! She met a stranger and now she’s knocked up and he is acting just like she met him which is a stranger!Get over Evan wasn’t trying to encourage her to do anything wrong! If anything he is preparing her for reality and the moral of the story be expected to face hardship and frustration becoming a single parent.Yes you will have support and maybe breaks but at the end of the day that’s your baby and u will have to be there no matter who walks away! Geesh the guy was giving her advice from a man perspective what more do u want?
Evan, although you make a very good point in your article, & I like that you were very honest & realistic with the young woman. But I have to disagree with one of the comments you posted to your readers on children who are born out of wedlock. Yes, it maybe hard to raise a child alone. & yes, it would probably be more beneficial to have both parents involved in the child’s life. However, I was born out of wedlock; neither mom nor father raised me, & I turned out fine. F.Y.I, I have not once done drugs, committed crime, gotten knocked up, & guess what? I have a college degree, full time job, & I’m 28. Another example is President Obama. Anyway, there are people I know who come from a two parent household who struggled, did drugs, committed crime, got knocked up early, & dropped out of school! Therefore, let’s not judge, okay? Those statistics aren’t a fact of life. It’s a way to better understand, but it isn’t something that’s set in stone. It’s not like a math problem where the answer is straightforward. Life is more complex than that. Odds are, it’s wrong because we have this thing called, “Free Will”, which grants us freedom to choose. Therefore, Evan, you’re stating to a child (not so much the parent) that his/her future is doomed & predetermined due to statistics. You’re saying, “Hey, kid, you’re going to either be a high school drop out, a drug addict, a menace to society, or all the above because you don’t have both parents.” Plus, the best way to offend people is to tell them to not get offended because a lot of them didn’t choose to be single. It just happened. All they can do is prevent the situation from happening again by being more cautious & realistic. & I get that you mean well, & you’re being realistic, but realize you kind of went pass the point of just being realistic & unbiased to biased & stereotyping a group of people based on statistic.
*Please, excuse any grammatical errors, sent from my iPhone.
I think you don’t understand statistics. Properly gathered statistics are facts of life actually. You are just misinterpreting said facts.
If i said 100% of humans need oxygen, no one would really argue. It’s basically fact.
If I said something like studies show 90% of Americans loves pizza(I don’t know if this is true, but it doesn’t matter for purposes of this example), you couldn’t just claim that is false because you and some other people you know don’t like pizza. You not liking pizza wouldn’t make it the findings of these studies untrue.
Stats showing that children born out of wedlock are MORE LIKELY to experience those hardships, not that they will. It’s not a stereotype. If you looked at the pizza example I gave and said “All Americans love pizza” that would be a stereotype. No one thinks that all kids born out of wedlock are going to steal or do drugs. No one said they WILL go to jail. Or they WILL drop out of school. These statistics serve to identify issues so that they can be addressed. Getting offended that said issues exist is pointless.
An example of why a kid from a single parent home may drop out of school is lack of resources. The kid leaves school to get a job in order to help the single parent out monetarily. You can’t claim that this doesn’t happen. And where is such a situation MORE LIKELY to occur – in a single parent home (one adult potential earner) or a home with two parents (two adult potential earners)? Why is pointing this out offensive ?
No, sir, you misinterpreted my comment, & oddly, you felt the need to defend & explain when it’s redundant. Honestly, it seems you just skimmed through my comment without ever thinking & understanding what I meant. I responded to a “comment” he made to one of his readers, which could be any one of the several comments he posted. Moreover, my point is: I’m not offended by statistics. I’m offended by those who like to use statistics to push their own agenda: to prove their right, & you’re wrong. His comment was more biased, defensive, & cold than empathic & objective. He basically implied without both parents, kids will be poor, uneducated, & unsuccessful. & that’s NOT true! Statistics lacks vitality, & it’s not based on everyone in the world. Also, they are formed by humans, which means error prone. Therefore, statistics aren’t absolute. Statistics aren’t flawless… They are neither exact nor accurate. It’s trying to predict the unpredictable: Life. For instance, according to statistics, people, such as, Barack Obama, John Lennon, Samuel L. Jackson, Alicia Keys, Lance Armstrong, Jet Li, & so forth shouldn’t have succeeded in life because they were raised by a single parent. Or what about those who succeeded in life without a degree or diploma to get them there (i.e. Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Joe Lewis, etc)? & honey, I only named a hand full. There are plenty who have proven that statistics are misleading! Granted, you’re life may not be easy without both parents involved, but it doesn’t mean a person with both will turn out better or live better. Those who are raised in a single parent household learn insight, perseverance, how to survive, & if aware, not to repeat their parents mistakes whereas others don’t. So, you shouldn’t judge others based on statistics. You don’t know what that person is cable of, or been through. & one shouldn’t let statistics dictate who he/she is, & what he/she will become. You have the power to be who you want to be, & where you end up in life. Now with that said, Mr. Tyrone, sir, let’s agree to disagree, please? I refuse to discuss any further a comment I made over
a month ago.😞😓 I’m just too busy & tired to debate with you, or anyone else who has a issue with what I posted. Thank you for your response, & Happy Halloween! ✌ðŸ½ðŸ˜ŒYou literally just proved that I didn’t misinterpret anything you said.
“I’m not offended by statistics. I’m offended by those who like to use statistics to push their own agenda: to prove their right, & you’re wrong. His comment was more biased, defensive, & cold than empathic & objective. He basically implied without both parents, kids will be poor, uneducated, & unsuccessful. & that’s NOT true!”
It’s not pushing an agenda. It’s not being biased. It’s called stating facts. It’s not an implication that they WILL be poor, uneducated, unsuccessful. It’s an implication BASED ON FACT that they are MORE LIKELY TO BE poor, uneducated and unsuccessful COMPARED TO CHILDREN IN MARRIED/TWO PARENT HOMES. You can choose to be offended by this FACT. But I doesn’t change anything. No one thinks it’s biased. Except people that are offended by facts. No one thinks its a judgement. Except people that are offended by the facts. You still don’t seem to understand the difference between statistical probability and casting judgements/stereotyping. Naming people that were successful doesn’t negate the statistics. Re-read my initial comment again for clarification.
I disagree to agree with you. Enjoy your holiday.
It’s probably been 12 years since you guys argued, but I find this debate over statistics quite interesting!
Facts in forms of statistics don’t really exist : that’s why they are called statistics, a reflexion of reality just as much as the next novel. Interpretation seems key here. But to do so, you need so much more than just numbers.
When you extract numbers from a study, all you do is take into account mere average without thinking about standard deviation, nor having any concerns for causality or correlation, or human error and biases.
Basically, the study you talk about lays absolutly no guideling whatsoever as to what decisions to make if you are a single human being living on this planet. It should be used solely for public policies or marketing purposes, where the point is to actually extend their reach to groups, or individuals as parts of groups. For individuals, it should only be taken as a warning of a possibility that something has happened in the past and might or might not happen again in the present and the future.
Nobody is going to base individual life decisions solely on statistics, unless they want to live out of fear and stupidity.
Why? There it is : Maybe the average kid of a single mother will be poorer, because single parenting makes you poorer. But what if being poor makes you more at risk of being a single mom? Then it means you were more at risk of doing drugs&co regardless of your mom’s single status anyway. So, who cares if you still choose to have a kid as a single parent? Since you are statisticaly already poor, nothing changes for your baby. But then maybe, kids who grow with a single mother are also more empathic… So you are poor, but you are in average a better person. Which statistics do we prefer as a society? And we haven’t thought about that, but maybe Barack Obama is great BECAUSE he was raised by a single mother, not in spite of. Plus Steve Jobs wouldn’t be here if his biological mother decided to get rid of him before he was born, only because of statistics and morales… And so on…
Statistics is a science, and the point of science is to understand life from datas and emperic experiments, which means it’s always an ever so evolving process. To fully comprehend “facts”, you need to take into account that you don’t know everything, that “facts” are changing with research progressing.
When you take into account all of this you start to question the simple idea of “facts” as something fixed and tangeable. Your blind spot lies where you think you find your rationality when you believe in statistics like some people believe in god, without discernment. It a good think you understand the what you read, but you also have to know how to interpret it properly.
FACT, is single or married parents you make your life what you want it to be at the end of the day if you want to make 1 big giant fuck up of your life then thats your choice as a adult 1 day to do so.If you want to make a huge succsess of it it will happen then that way.Nobody can make your choices for you as a adult .You have to stand up on your own to feet.
I also felt that Evan’s comments were very judgmental for a relationship expert. But we have to remember that he is also a male. I understand where he was coming from in terms of women making the choice. But generalization of single parenting was a little unnecessary. Yes I am in a situation myself, but this is not at all the reason why I felt his comments were harsh.
Not long ago I quit my job at a TV network to study medicine (my second degree). Due to some personal health issues, I had to get off of all the pills, including contraceptive. We used calendar as a method of contraception, which has worked for me in the past. However I have also been taking a lot of herbal supplements that must have made me very fertile. It was an accident and I told my partner straight away. Apart from the author of the story, my partner (even though has 2 biological children and another 2 he brought up) is surprisingly happy about it. We have known each other for 2 years and been dating for 9 months, he keeps saying he loves me and keeps touching my belly, even though there’s nothing yet to touch there. I was scared to break the news to him as I knew if he was to react negatively I would PROBABLY have it on my own and finish the relationship with him. Why would I consider having it alone? Because I am 32, this is my first pregnancy, I have some medical problems and I only want to have one child as I was never one of those girls that were crazy about an idea of having kids. And these are the factors that need to be considered in every individual scenario. I also believe that men that don’t stay by your side in such moments are not worth having a relationship with. It’s almost like a test to see if he is really into you. Although I won’t recommend anyone testing a relationship this way. But of course a decision is always yours – to continue with the pregnancy or not. Although I don’t think one should expect much from a father if he told you from the start that his heart is not in it. You really need to sit down and think if you can do it. If you have a strong enough support group of family and friends, finances and whatnot. Yes I have a partner that is really excited now but this pregnancy wasn’t planned and it wears heavy on my conscious that things are not at all how I would have liked for them to be. And even though he is all in, I am not expecting tonns from him as I know it was a surprise to both of us and the decision is mine, (even though he said that abortion didn’t even cross his mind). I am grateful for having him by my side and supporting me through this emotionally. Of course I would have rather for us to be married first, but accidents do happen, and not every child out of a wed lock is going to be brought up in the environment full of drugs and crime.
This man is legally responsible for the consequences of his ejaculation whether the two of you stay together or not. Please talk to a lawyer or social worker.
I’m gonna be a Dad and I’m happy:) Its a boy! I think the advice here is jaded at best. Sounds like a hurt soul and I feel kinda bad for her. Life is fleeting, relationships also. Don’t take jaded bullshit yarns to heart. Is your life, work it out 😉
I don’t know how old this post is, but needed to share my story. I was in the same situation at 27 I was impulsive, idealistic, and not living in reality. My fling and I got knocked up and he stopped returning my calls at 5 months pregnant. I forged on with the help of friends and family and 10 years later he is a great father and my best friend. We never established a relationship and I had to be VERY patient with his coming to terms with being a dad. It was sad, scary, and obviously not my dream life, but I’m 38 and single and my daughter really helps me be more discerning in my dating life. I just ended a 10 month affair that was turning abusive and when I don’t have the strength to choose for me, I consider if he’s a role model for her. There’s hope. With or without this guy. So don’t give up.
The vast range in opinions should reveal to you how individual this decision is. This is your path to walk, not ours or anyone else’s. In my experience, a termination can be a relief if you are young but can come back to haunt you as your body will crave to fill that void. Having a child is the hardest job but the most incredible and magical one too, I know this as a single mother. Make your decision based on what you feel you want and can handle. Xxo
having a baby is a beautiful thing.
Abortion is not only dangerous but will also hunt you for the rest of you life.
No matter how it happened the best you can do is psych yourself to accept your baby no matter what.
i know a couple of married women who made the mistake of aborting their babies because during their teenage days and are now praying for one.
see yourself blessed to own a beautiful little girl or a bouncing baby boy.
“had i known” is a painful place to be.
let him shone the baby and you’d be surprised he will come back later trying to reconnect .
men! smh.
Besides knowing my son’s father for a year before I became pregnant, this is my current situation. There was excitement at first. Then the pulling away and short texting. Then the sleepovers stopped all together. One random night we decided to spend the night together and I went into labor! The hospital stay was so awkward. I could tell something was on his mind. Fast forward… 2 weeks postpartum I found out he had a “girlfriend” my last 3 months of pregnancy. My baby is only 2 months so I’m still healing from all the heartbreak. Don’t ignore the signs when they’re right in your face!
I really am encouranged because am also a victim and wanted to terminate mine…
Amen…I’m going through the same thing right now with my boyfriend of 5month and I’m 13wk pregnant. I have had enough so I tell him we are over and I’m keeping my baby. I know it’s going to be hard but I’m ready to take on the good and bad roads ahead…Kids are blessing in more ways than you know…I have a 10 year old son his dad and I where the best couple ever at least that what I think and he left me and my son when he was 3 year old and never looked back so I’ve been through it all good and bad but I can honestly say it is what makes me the mom I am today and I wouldn’t tread it for anything else and I would do it again that’s why I’m having my baby and him can kiss my ass…
Regardless of the status of your relationship, this man is still responsible for the actions of his own sperm. I suggest you talk to a lawyer or social worker about the legal aspects of this. Different states have different laws, but he may be required to pay child support. Maybe you can afford this on your own; maybe not. But being an adult means taking responsibility for one’s choices, and he should bear some of the financial support. It is his child.
Sounds like my situation! Except he wanted this and backed away after 4 months. He’s stringing me along now. I’m 35 weeks pregnant have done it all on my own.
So what if he doesnt want the baby, it his lose and not urs, am a single mother and am loving it!! Just be strong for ur unborn baby,
I thought I had a miscariage but I didnt . The guy keep saying he wanted me pregnant so I am very pregnant. I told him Id mf flip because my first half trimester was horrible my hormones are everywhere. My temper is horrible. He thinks ignoring things will make me calm. I told him I dont care about whatever or whoever else play them FS games with other late people because all FS aside dry bitch who made tbe main comment if the guy didnt want kids he wouldnt have sex. Its other stuff like stds that last for life so there it is.
OK don’t ever abort because the physical plus emotional trauma will be all bad.Im pregnant now my baby’s dad is such a bitch that seems to be common among guys nowadays.
I am going through something similar jules. I meet gentleman on a dating site and we began to talk like a months or so and then we started dating for a few weeks. And I made a mistake I was excited about our relationship he talked about his kids and I was shopping at the mall and his daughter works at a shoe store and I was gonna introduce myself to her. I was gonna tell I was friends with her dad. Well she was off and I spoke to her manager friend and if course he called her and told her. And she she’s mad at her dad and he’s mad at me.And known I’m afraid to tell him I’m afraid to tell him I’m pregnant. I feel really bad that I upset her and I’m even more upset that I upset him. I feel so alone.
I disagree with Evan an I’m a shamed of your objective opinion you should respect women more.
A women can be married an have kids but her husband divorce her so either way with this cruel world you will an can become a single mother.
Life suck on so many levels an nothing is fair so you have to deal with the crap the universe put out on whole.
But what we do need is more positive people to show sympathy an compassion an I think most men lack that in itself.
Agree with Evan’s judgement on the relationship – but as regards the role of a father, if women only had kids with men who are good dads the world would not be so overpopulated. Millions of dads who stay with their wives and children are not good dads; and lots of good dads are not good husbands. A child conceived in a happy marriage can thereafter end up with only one parent… Situations can be many, go figure. Laws are there to protect mothers who decide to raise children on their own, and we should make sure they are known and properly used.
I find the author and many responses on here shocking. Women don’t want unplanned pregnancies either so why is the blame & responsibility on us? Abortion should not be used as birth control or to take away adult responsibility. Of course fathers are important for children, but not the mothers fault if the man leaves. I raised 2 children alone. They never commited crimes, used drugs, or had sex at an early age. They both graduated with bachelor’s degrees. I am also college educated.
Not telling you what to do but here’s a scenario to think about – I had my son was I was 22 and unmarried and chose to raise him alone. His father has never been involved – his choice. My son graduated HS last year. I have had very few dates and no serious relationships – due to circumstances mostly. Now I am in my early 40’s and staring down growing old alone and having to think about long term care policies, prepaying for my funeral, etc. Please don’t assume you’ll find a nice man to marry and have more kids with and that will be a great stepdad. Do a quick google search on books about empty nest single parents. There’s a few out there, for good reason. Be prepared financially, physically and emotionally to raise your child alone for nearly 20 years, and after that playing catch up on finances, career, and other areas of you life alone.
Do you want to be in a relationship with a father thats never gonna be there for his child or do you have a single parent relationship to your child and be there for that baby from day 1 where you support that child a 100 percent full.You have to look at the sitution from both directions.I know it sounds weird on the ear commimg from a man.
Okay everybody just talk about what should happen to a baby
Let me ask you this question who is a esp a girls 1st roll model in her life her dad not her mom as everybody would like to think.
So I’m a guy in this situation, I like to think I am logical unless when I tgith with my penis. So I made it clear to a girl I used to concider a friend that I had no intention of settling down with her. She seemed fine with hanging out occasionally ( once every few weeks) then she tried to bring up a relationship. I told her I know what I want and would have commited to a relationship if I felt different. She backed away for a bit and a copule months pass and she messages me late night and we hang out( have sex: D ) . I’m weak to late texts and she knows. So this continues for a year or so.I even stop contact and she tells mutual friends we are an item and I was unhappy about it. She brought up a relationship again and I told her I still feel the same. She actually dates a mutual friend for a few months then is back on my case. I tell her what it is and we have sex for what I assume is the last time. Then a month later I’ve put her out of my mind and she tells me she’s pregnant and the dates match when we had sex last. I blame myself for not using a condom, but I never cum in females condom or not. I only went unprotected cos I thought I could trust her as she knew where I stand on kids especially out of a commited relationship. Apparently she went off birth control for no reason and wants me to think this was not preconceived? I know a mutual friend of hers pulled this on a friend of mine and he married the babe. I know how much buddie commits numerous indiscretions though he’s less than a year married. All I want is to be happy and I will not get together for a kid. I’ll be forever unhappy. I tell her I want an abortion but I’m not forcing anything it’s her body and I’ve erred by no using protection. Last time she spoke to me she wants us to be together for the child and I tell her I’ll be unhappy and that’s not what I want and I’m not making a messy situation worse by going into something my heart’s not in. My position is she should do what she wants and call on the govt to call for child support from me and a DNA test cos I’m certain we were never exclusive. My stance is that she went off BC for almost a year and didn’t tell me, This to me is the female equivalent of stealthing and I’m pretty upset. If she goes through with it I’ll be a father against my will but I will not be a slave to anyone’s schemes. I have big dreams or at least want some stability before a relationship, All her friends have babies and she just turned 30. I’m an immigrant and achieved a fair amount in the past 5 years and was just finally getting myself in order. I feel like I’m just a pawn in her attempt at her dream of motherhood. Dunno if I want advise or I’m just venting or this is just a cautionary tale to anyone who trusts females and they smiles and niceties. I was just treating this woman with decency and thought she had the same outlook to casual sex as I . I guess it’s child support for the next 18 years. FML lol
Another horny idiot,
You’re going to fall in love with your child when you see him or her.
Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s a responsibility. But I can assure you when you see your son or daughter, you will embark upon a love affair that makes anything you had with a woman pale by comparison.
I hope at that point you will get on your knees and THANK the mother of your child that she did not murder your child.
And I have news for you: you actually get MORE done with your life once you have a baby because it focuses you. Evan knows this.
I don’t see higher mammals giving themselves abortions. They embrace the life that God/Nature gave them.
People say how much better we are without religion, and I admit it was old-fashioned in some ways. But look at where we are now. Sex is now all about pleasure, and the procreation aspect is conveniently shunted aside. Women are raising children on their own, lowering their financial status, and men are refusing to take any kind of responsibility at all. Evan, I’ve always respected your intelligence, and continue to do so, but your attitude towards child support is immoral and so selfish.
I am raising two teenagers whom I adopted. It is hard, but joyful. As an older woman, I can tell you that kids are more self-centered and less empathetic towards others, and where do they get that from? From a culture that seeks self and self-pleasure over the community and others.
Jesus had it right. Sorry if that’s too “religious” for you. He emphasized self-sacrifice as the highest form of love. People these days are wimps, thinking “Oh, I can’t handle that.” Well, you’re stronger than you think. I can tell you this: life isn’t meant to be perfect, and you will never find happiness if you think you can control life into meeting your every need or for your own convenience.
Dear Jules,
You are not alone. I’m in this same exact situation right now.
Be strong. This too shall pass.
Love Charity Godbless you sorry for the heartache you are experiencing I am feeling it too.
What bad advice, and no mention of adoption, instead this advice columnist says to get an abortion.
Yup, her body, her life, her decision. Know all your options. Totally disgusted with this article.
It IS her decision. She was asking me very specifically about the MAN who got her pregnant. If she wants to have a child and give it up, she certainly may. Advice isn’t obliged to present every single option – she KNOWS every single option already; it’s designed to help the OP think through her decision more clearly. Which is that should she have the child, it will be without the involvement of the father. What she does from there is up to her.
And by the way, I don’t delete critical opinions; there are literally thousands on this site; I delete people who insult me personally. Do it again and your next one will be deleted.
I have seen an ultrasound guided abortion while studying medicine. Many medical doctors refuse to participate as a matter of conscience.
I am not religious, but I would not euthanize a rat or any living being in that way. That comes from my personal observation, scientific education and conscience, not religion
In my view it is inhumane and at odds with the ethos of Western Medicine and Civilization.
It also has dangerous social implications for an increased commoditization of life :
The real push for on demand abortion comes from cosmetic and pharma corporations who profit from the supply of pluripotent cells. But corporatist media neglects this nuance
Also neglects the women and children who are sexually exploited and forced to have abortions in order to protect their abusers. On demand abortion industry make it easier.
The principles of Do No Harm and Non Aggression Principle are not religion. They are an important moral framework that protects the most vulnerable and defenseless from exploitation
It pisses me off reading the amount of comments condoning being a single mother. Did people suddenly forget that growing up in a traditional household with parents doesn’t guarantee a child will have a happy life? my best friend grew up with her parents and his father raped her when she was only 6 years old. Her mother never found out but she was always happy with just her mother. She would always beg her to divorce and leave but never did cause she wanted her daughter to have a father figure. Other people I know grew up watching her father abusing their mother or their parents arguing all the time.Also, Many mothers out there are in abusive relationships as well and choose to leave the relationship to protect their children but y’all condone them? Stop judging single mothers. Its better to have one parent than have one who could only hurt their own children. And no, abortion isnt the solution as other have stated.
y’all think that this woman should have an abortion because growing up with a father is essential? It really isn’t. What matters is the effort, time and dedication your parent gives you, which could be a mom, a grandma or even an older sibling. I grew up without a dad cause mine died when I was only 4 years old. After that my mom took care of me and gave me all the love that I needed. I grew up fine and I’m very close to her and im so grateful because shes such a wonderful woman. I am now 17 years old and will be attending the university of my dreams this fall. The reason why I mention this is because I get annoyed whenever i read comments that children with single mothers are more likely to drop out or go to jail and thats honestly bullshit because EVERY single person I know from my high school who grew up with parents are actually on drugs, and have dropped out of high school. They grew up with “everything” meaning two parents but ended up being a failure. Those statistics that only serves to further perpetuate the idea that being a single parent is “bad”, should change their focus on analyzing why children who grow up in traditional households do end up failing in life if they supposedly had a higher chance of success. We should hold accountable bad parenting from all parents not only single mothers(Im only saying single mothers because society always condone them and only praise single fathers which is unfair)
A lot of y’all are hypocrites. Many mothers out there are in abusive relationships as well and choose to leave the relationship to protect their children but y’all condone them? Stop judging single mothers. Its better to have one parent than have one who could only hurt their own children. And no abortion isnt the solution as other have stated.
Dear Jules, I understand the situation you are in and I am sorry… as I know how it feels . Unfortunately you felt for a wrong man … I am in a similar situation but I already have 3 children from my 14 years marriage. I met someone new, we have been together for over year and he promised me a world … I found out I am pregnant just few days ago and his reaction was the worse … don’t listen to things like child deserve a father who will be present … no relationship can guarantee that … it doesn’t matter how it happened if you would Merry a decent man he would behave like a man not like a pussy … I decided I will keep my baby … despite the fact that “he doesn’t want to have anything to do with it “ . You are perfectly capable to bring up this baby yourself if you decide so . Having two parents doesn’t always mean the child will grow up in a healthy environment, and it definitely doesn’t mean it won’t be happy!!! You just need to do what is tight for you … and first thing it’s to have s conversation with him . I know it’s scary , but you have to . Just follow your heart when it comes to deciding whether you keep your baby or not . None of the options will be easy but just do what you feel it’s right . Sending you lots of love …