My Husband Had a Stripper at His Bachelor Party and I’m Still Angry!

My Husband Had a Stripper at His Bachelor Party and I’m Still Angry!
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Evan,

I’ve been married for just over 3 months. Prior to marrying my husband, he had a bachelor party. His bachelor party consisted of the men partying and watching football, and then eventually retiring to his friend’s house for 2 full nude strippers in a show. My husband came home completely messed up at 4am.

The issue is that he did not make me aware of the strippers. Later, I saw him bending over and on his ass was a bunch of permanent marker. BUSTED! He kind of came clean, but the timeline of his story and his lack of details make me think it’s worse than I know. He refuses to discuss it with me. Not to mention that when he came home at 4am, he had sex with me. I feel a little used.

Now, 4 months later, I’m still hurt by it and it eats at me that I have no idea what happened with 2 fully nude strippers in his friend’s house or why he would end up home at 4am instead of either a more reasonable time or the next morning. Seems fishy… not to mention he doesn’t even recall having sex with me when he got home.

I’m doing my best to let that go but now we have another friend’s wedding where he is a groomsman. Which means another bachelor party! So, my anxiety is at an all-time high. I’m almost leaning toward telling him if they get private strippers, I will be getting a private massage from at least 1 male therapist, and if they go to a strip club, not a big deal, I’ll stick to a reputable storefront for my massage! Is that unreasonable? Do I seem like an uptight wife? I’m just utterly grossed out by thinking about a nude girl or two rubbing on my man’s crotch! And I’d think he may get a little crazy thinking about a muscular stud rubbing me down with massage oils, so it seems fair, no? —Katherine

Dear Katherine,

I’ve talked about men and their visual proclivities before: namely, here, here, and here.

You’re holding onto this one night like a 7-year-old holding onto his blankie. Let it go, Linus.

I’m not positive I have anything new to say on the topic, so I’ll just do my best to dissect your email to me:

1. You’re married.

This means that you’ve had 2-3 years to date him. You know who he is. You either trust him or you don’t. I would be surprised if he proved to be a completely different human being after you got married.

2. He had a bachelor party with strippers, got hammered, and blacked out.

Certainly not his proudest moment. But is this a pattern with him? Or is it an anomaly — say, something that has never occurred before but only happened at his bachelor party?

If it’s a pattern, I don’t know why you married him. If it’s an anomaly, it’s probably something to write off.

3. He did not make you aware of these strippers.

And if he did, this all would have gone a lot better?

4. There was marker on his ass.

This is more embarrassment from the same bachelor party. It shouldn’t be an additional demerit. If anything, he’s probably ashamed of himself.

5. You feel used because you had sex with your husband.

Why? He’s your husband. Isn’t that what wives do with husbands?

Was it bad? Did you not get off? Or are you just sensitive to the fact that someone else worked him up and you were the one who got to benefit from it?

6. It’s 4 months later and you’re still thinking about it.

I can almost assure you that nothing has changed in 4 months. He’s the same guy he was before you married him. The same guy he was after you married him. You’re holding onto this one night like a 7-year-old holding onto his blankie. Let it go, Linus.

Most husbands don’t like to make their wives feel bad. Just as most husbands don’t like to be told what to do.

7. He came home at 4am instead of spending the night out.

Yeah, let me know when it’s a good plan for a man to not show up at home after his bachelor party.

8. Your response to the next bachelor party is to hire a male masseuse.

Um, okay. And he should worry about this because…?

Remember, you’re his wife. He trusts you. Why should he remotely care about who is massaging you? Unless you’re going to answer an erotic want ad in the back of your local paper, I’m pretty sure your plan to piss him off won’t do much, except illustrate one thing:

You’re jealous and you feel you’ve been wronged.

I can’t convince you of the latter. But I hope you can acknowledge the former.

If he didn’t cheat on you, there’s nothing to worry about, is there?

If he did cheat on you, then you married a man of poor character. Sorry.

But just because he had a drunken bachelor party doesn’t mean he cheated on you.

Thus, you have two choices: trust him and let this sordid night be filed away as a distant memory. Or keep up this worry, paranoia, jealousy, and tit-for-tat game and see where that leads you.

I think it’s obvious which choice I’m advocating.

Sure, you can put your foot down and forbid him from going to a bachelor party where there are strippers.

Just know that telling your husband what he’s allowed to do is rarely a winning strategy.

My advice for you is to let him know that you know you’re being a little thin-skinned but his bachelor party made you feel bad. All in all, you trust him. You love him. You are just sensitive about this kind of thing.

Then listen to his explanation.

Most husbands don’t like to make their wives feel bad. Just as most husbands don’t like to be told what to do.

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Comments:

  1. 141
    Love it

    Yes it happened to me. Then it got worse he didn’t want to bemarried and I met someone moral of the story don’t sit around crying get on a dating site or a affair site Ashley Maddison leave it open and pay them back. You don’t have to go there but put some insecurity in there heads see if they like it. plant comdoms around the house. Come home with strange sex toys. It’s not nice when the shoe is on the other foot.

    step it up girls and if he walks yeh nexxxxt

  2. 142
    Love it

    And the irony he wanted me back I don’t regret what I did for one minute never ever ever feel insecure or intimidated by this form of cheating

  3. 143
    Heather

    I’d like to chime in here. I am getting married in 2 weeks, my fiance is having his stag this weekend. We talked about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior at his stag. Basically we agreed upon no insertion of any kind in any opening, means no kissing, no fingering, no oral and no sex. I think you need to have open lines of communication.

    With that said I think a lot of people need to chill out. Its a stag one last party, it really is more for the grooms friends than him.

    I think after 4 months you either need to let it go or let him go. Its your choice. But holding a grudge will make you into a very bitter person and ruin your marriage.

    1. 143.1
      Kanga

      Oh such gentlemen that are being bred these days that you are having convos with someone who is supposed to ADORE you and be faithful about not inserting himself in others.   My ex husband never had a stag night – he didn’t want one and I can’t imagine my father or my grandfather going to strippers or viewing porn.   The things that women put up with as normal nowadays makes me sad.

      I guess I felt moved to answer because your name is the same as my daughters and I’d be sad if she accepted this behaviour from any man, as normal or healthy. Objectification is humans, dehumanising others for their own pleasure – that is how far we have come in this modern society where we can look right up some strangers wahoo without giving a shit who they are and that’s just ‘fun’, men want some strangers wahoo rubbed all over his thighs and that’s just ‘fun’.   How lovely. Each to their own but I’d never respect a man like that.

  4. 144
    Little Advisor

    You have every right to be angry.

    Bachelor parties are so idiotic. So many men have sex at these and son’t consider it cheating. Oh, is the night before your damn wedding the night you AREN’T in a relationship with your fiancee? I don’t get why people choose to have strippers there.

    But don’t worry too much. He was definitely not emotionally attached to the stripper in any way. He probably still loves you, but you should still talk to him about it.

  5. 145
    Julie

    I have been a married for 8 years but really like 12. My husband and i have an 11 year old and a 5 year old. My husband loves to golf when he is not running his business.   We are a really cool couple over the years and give each other their space when we want to go out of town to our beach condo or just to a local bar or dinner separately and just enjoy time with firends. We are a very intimate crazy do just about everything you could imagine to each other male videos and all that you can think of. We are parents and run a huge business but we have always met in the middle and we are like 2 best friend’s   and mad lovers at the same time… Ok had to get that out. Sooooo my husband took 3 married men to our Beach condo. He said yeah we are gonba hit the strip clubs. I said ok at the tme but then said as packing his bags for trip just hang out at the bars and golf please just dont go to the strip clubs bc he gets off so easy on me i was like you dont need to be there.   He went and said it was funny they all left and he spent like 50 bucks.

    Me being a stay at home mom i finally decided to open a 2 month old bank statement.. He spent over 1100 dollars that night. He said he never slept with anyone but he did help pay for some buds amd he did go to the back room after buying vodka with the stripper. This is at Thee Doll House in North Myrtle beach.. I was disgusted. I will never know just have to take his word for it.

  6. 146
    malay

    I googled and found this website because I got a stripper for my husband for his birthday.   I think the fact that it was a controlled environment and I was also involved in the show made it really enjoyable.   The ladies were beautiful and the one that everyone really liked was the one that didn’t have the “perfect body” as labeled by society.   She had a little tummy, she had a real woman’s body that all of my guests thought was GORGEOUS!

    I don’t think I’d be as happy if I wasn’t there, such as a bachelor party.   That would make me uncomfortable and it’s not because I don’t trust my husband but I know he is a man and he isn’t perfect just as we all aren’t.

    His family comes first.   He will work seven days a week with his full time job and his side business just to make sure we can eventually get ahead.

    I wanted him to have a good time and relax after all of the time he has spent taking care of us.     We have been together 17   years and the last 10 have been nothing short of a dream come true.

    Maybe having a private show so that you can see that this is a business to these men and women.

  7. 147
    Beth

    I wonder how many men are okay with letting their ladies assume that it’s just lap dances and shaking boobs in their faces. I wonder how many ladies know the extent of what some strippers do. I have a dilemma right now. My husband is his brothers best man and is hosting a bachelor party at our house. His brother wants a 2 stripper show. It’s my husbands job to make sure his brother has a good time. I am trying to be okay with this but I have seen strippers at home (club is a bit different) and I am not comfortable with my husband participating. I’m not talking about lap dances. I’m talking about the things I witnessed at my bisexual friends 30th party where she hired a female stripper for her and her husband. They were both into it so no harm done. After asking if that was pretty typical for hired strippers (yes) I realized my husband is not exactly honest about the reality of hiring strippers. Ladies if you are comfortable with things like your SO licking whipped cream off tits ass and inner thighs, pussy pie eating, test tube shots, lollipop rides, dildo help and feed the kitty and anal ring toss…fine. To me some of that equals sex without penetration, and therefore is cheating. I know best men tend to get extra attention.My husband is usually not one to be the center of attention but he is best man and I’m sure he will be drinking. This does not make me insecure or thin skinned. I would never forbid my husband from doing anything. I’m not his Mommy and he’s a grown man. I told him what I think crosses the line and just have to trust that he’ll respect that. It doesn’t change the fact that the idea of him participating makes me feel ill. I would probably be okay if it was something we were participating in together. I’ve seen how out of hand it gets (and do admit that bachelorette parties can be much worse, something I did not participate in and told my husband about)with the encouragement from others. Just saying, ladies if you think it’s just lap dancing, probably not. And men if you are letting your SO think it’s something it isn’t, and know she would be hurt if she knew, you are not respecting her feelings. Would you be okay if your girl did things like that with a male stripper? If the answer is no then maybe you shouldn’t be doing it either.

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