Can a Hot Woman Like Me Hold Out on Sex Until I Get a Commitment?

Can a Hot Woman Like Me Hold Out on Sex Until I Get a Commitment?

I’m a 31-year old woman, and have been dating a lot but have had little success. I’d say I’m in the very attractive category and have no trouble getting casual dates, but few guys seem serious. (I did see, and really appreciated, your post dedicated to the plight of pretty girls!) My last failed attempt has me really wondering what I’m doing wrong.

After about 4 dates (each time he’d follow up right away to tell me he had fun and wanted to see me soon), I spent a lot of time with this new guy one weekend and he introduced me to all his friends, who were very welcoming. The next weekend, we had a great evening together and went to his place, but I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex. He asked me why, and I told him truthfully that I really liked him, and that I wanted to be sure that we weren’t seeing other people first. I told him I could see myself getting more attached to him if we got really physical and just wanted to know there might be something there. Then I said that I was perfectly willing to talk about it all now if he was too. He said he understood, but didn’t say anything more just cuddled with me. We fell asleep together, then spent the next morning out for brunch and wandering around the local farmer’s market (his ideas). He seemed that day to be truly enjoying my company. But since then, he never called me again.

I accept that he’s no longer interested, and I’m prepared to be realistic and move on from this particular guy. I feel like it’s a good thing that I made my feelings clear — he responded by showing his true intentions were not to have a relationship but to just get laid. But how can this possibly keep happening? It’s pretty hard to think that he did such a 180 for any other reason than that I put my feelings out there.  I feel fairly confident that if I had slept with him he would have made sure to see me again. You have said in your posts that sometimes you have to take a leap, but it can’t possibly be true that I have to “leap” and have sex with someone who’s just not quite willing to commit *yet* and then wait for him to decide that he’s willing to admit that he has feelings for me a few months later. Maybe in this case he really is seeing other people, but this scenario keeps repeating itself for me.

I think I must be doing something wrong, but I just refuse to accept that not having sex until he commits to me is the wrong decision. How many times do I have to go through this painful process before a guy (and a guy that I’m into) will be so crazy about me that he just says, okay, whatever you need — time, commitment, you’ve got it! I guess what I’m really asking for is some reassurance that a hot girl can hold out on sex without lowering her chances of finding a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her.

Thanks in advance for helping a girl out,


Dear Colette,

Guys want sex. Factor in that “great, sexy, confident guys” are more likely to be able to get sex in most circumstances, and, well, if you won’t give it to them, someone else will.

“Can a hot girl hold out on sex”? Yes.

“Can a hot girl hold out on sex and still hope to find a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her?” Yes.

Can a hot girl hold out on sex without lowering her chances of finding a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her?” No. Holding out on sex will inherently lower your chances of finding a guy.

Why? Because guys want sex. Factor in that “great, sexy, confident guys” are more likely to be able to get sex in most circumstances, and, well, if you won’t give it to them, someone else will.

But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

In fact, I want to laud you for waiting for a commitment before sex. If more women did that, there would be a lot less post-coital heartbreak. Alas, there would be a lot more of the pre-coital disappointment you’ve described above.

Choose your poison.

You feel “fairly confident” that he would have called you again after sex. What about all the other women who felt the same way and got burned? Clearly, you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.

So what’s a girl to do?…

Well, if you follow my advice — and, by refusing sex before a commitment, you have been — you get to see a man’s true stripes. If he steps up and commits to you, you have an answer. If he bails on you, you have an answer.

The only thing you can do differently is consider HOW you’re refusing to have sex. From your story, it sounded like you approached it in a healthy, adult fashion. But I wasn’t there. You may have felt that you were just speaking your mind and explaining your deep-seated reasons and ethics. Maybe all he heard was, “No. I don’t find you attractive.”

The disconnect between what we mean and what other people hear is at the heart of many relationship issues. Which is why it’s always valuable to step into the shoes of your partner — to attempt to see things through his eyes.

One thing that most women don’t know about men — in fact, one thing that MEN don’t even know about themselves — is that we are like sharks. We always need to be moving forward and making progress. If we’re not, we might as well be dead.

Consider a man who writes to you on “You look hot. I want to meet. Here’s my number.”

An inartful come-on line, to say the least. But it’s how you deal with it that determines whether he sticks around for more. If you tell him, “I don’t feel comfortable talking to strangers on the phone. Why don’t you email me more about yourself?” you can pretty much say goodbye. It’s not that your desire to get to know him better was wrong. It’s that you told him “No! Your way is wrong. My way is right. Follow my rules.”

We want to make progress in the bedroom…to know that we’re headed in that direction EVENTUALLY.

A better way to approach this would be to be playful. “You’re right. I am hot. 🙂 But you know that good girls like me don’t call boys like you first. So, before we go any further, why don’t you tell me about the first time you…visited Europe . And don’t leave out any details. Inquiring minds want to know. Talk to you soon, sweetie!”

See the difference? One is terse and negative. The other is playful and encouraging. Playing a little hard to get – while still remaining completely available – raises your value. It makes him want to chase. It makes the process of getting to know you fun. And, most of all, it doesn’t tell him NO. It tells him, LATER. All he has to do is follow your directions and he’ll get what he wants.

Your job is to make your directions fun for him to follow.

Similarly, men want to feel we’re making progress in the bedroom. It’s not that we need to sleep with you on Date 1 or 2 or 3. It’s that we want to know that we’re headed in that direction EVENTUALLY. How you handle us in this delicate arena is a big factor in whether we choose to come back for more.

Put it this way: if I go out with a woman and kiss her on Date 1, that’s great. If I go out with her, and can’t do any more than kiss her on Date 2, I might get a little frustrated. If I go out with her and get stuck in the kissing zone on Date 3, I’m pretty sure that that will be the last date. I know. It sounds awful. But I can’t be the only guy who works this way.

A woman is not wrong for keeping her shirt on. But her refusal to make any sexual progress unintentionally makes a guy feel rejected, and most guys aren’t going to like it. I’m pretty sure it’s why they invented “bases” in high school. We don’t need to go all the way, but getting to second and having a view of third shouldn’t be out of the question. Regardless of whether you agree with me, for most confident, sexy, 35-year-old men, staying on “first” for a month is not a viable option.

So without getting all sordid, Colette, ask yourself how you made your partner feel on this fourth date. Was it all about you? Your morals, your desires, your past heartbreak? Or did you consider that he might like you — and that it’s hard for him stick with a woman who doesn’t make him feel attractive or desired?

I don’t know him. Maybe he was just a run of the mill player.

I don’t know you. Maybe you did all the right things.

But just because a man’s desires run counter to yours doesn’t mean they’re wrong. It means you have to find a way to let him know that, with proper communication, you can BOTH get what you want.

This, by the way, is the key to ALL dating and relating — understanding the opposite sex and finding a path that keeps both man and woman satisfied.

To learn how to get your needs met, while still keeping a man satisfied, check out my audio series, Finding the One Online. In a few hours, you will learn the secret to attracting the best men online and screening them, using my “The 2/2/2” rule, to ensure the highest quality first dates.

In three months, you will view dating and men in an entirely new way. And that’s a good thing!

Click here to learn more.

Much love,

Your friend,


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  1. 1
    Loving Annie

    I so disagree with you. She told him that she found him attractive and she just wanted to wait until they were monogamous and she knew something was there between them.

    She was still willing to kiss and cuddle so she wasn’t being a tease or frigid, – she just wanted to wait before going all the way.

    He bailed because he didn’t get laid – his instant gratification was denied. He showed he right there that he was an assclown – and also that he didn’t value her enough to SHOW her over the next few dates that he cared/this was going to go somewhere.

    That is different from not letting him know there was chemistry.
    Of course someone will walk if they feel they aren’t wanted – this wasn’t the case with her.

    If a guy can’t wait for date 9 or 10 – he’s showing by his actions a lack of respect and genuine interest in HER. He can jack off for a few nights without it killing him.

    Yes, it may mean that few guys wait – that doesn’t mean the RIGHT guy won;’t be thrilled that she respects herself not to give it us easily, is intrigued by her healthy boundaries, and know they have a 1,000 times for wild monkey sex after just a few other weekends go by.

    A little frustration leads to increased desire as two peoplem begin to know each-other, it’s sort of like foreplay, you want it, you fantasize about it, when it finally happens things are incredibly intense between the two of you.

    She didn’t say he had to wait 6 months or something really hardcore that might have made him felt she was playing games/didn’t like or want sex with him.

    Your e-mail/phone example wasn’t comparable with this. Gently encouraging someone while taking it slow was exactly what this woman WAS doing.

    You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a Prince.

    1. 1.1

      You’re absolutely correct.

    2. 1.2

      Correct. She assured him verbally and physically after giving her stance. He decided he didn’t want a relationship. I also have this same problem. Just last night, a man I’ve been seeing wanted to move forward to sex. (We had become more and more intimate over five dates.)   I asked him if he was seeing anyone else or having sex with anyone else, and he said there was another woman he has been sleeping with for five years and he just couldn’t decide if he wanted to stay or go with her. I’m tired of thinking about the man’s feelings all the time. Do they ever think of me? All I get are sexual come-ons.

      I’m also a very attractive woman, and men introduce me to their friends all the time, but no one else. I’m beginning to think being introduced to their best friends is more about them bragging about their “catch.” I don’t see it as a sign of interest at all anymore unless I meet family and women friends. Otherwise, it is just another game they are playing with their friends and scores are being kept.

      I’m exhausted and worn out by these men and their games. I really would like to have a mutually loving and caring relationship, but I don’t believe men know what that is anymore and our culture just encourages them to be players.


      1. 1.2.1

        Cleo, find someone else…


        1. Cleo

          Yeah. It was a frustrated rant.

      2. 1.2.2

        Cleo, I remember introducing a male friend to my girlfriend, and she left me and went to see him…..he was good looking…


    3. 1.3

      Agreed 100%. A woman does not owe a man her body on the fourth date, or at any time at all. It does not make a woman selfish to decide when, where, how and with whom to share her body. Any man that sees a woman wanting to wait for a commitment to have monogamous sex as a “playing games” is also rapey and just needs to go out and buy a prostitute so he can leave women who want loving, monogamous relationships, with decent dudes alone!

      1. 1.3.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        I edited the insults out of your comment and refer you to actually read my advice to women, which is not to have sex with any man until he’s your boyfriend. Not sure what upset you so much but I am an advocate for women who explains men. So maybe try not to shoot the messenger. Or find another blog that doesn’t trigger you so much.

    4. 1.4

      I agree! If a guy bails because you won’t have sex, they are selfish. Period. It’s time men step up and start acting like gentlemen. They won’t “get laid” until they can prove they are a real man. Grow up men and have some class. Treat women with respect and stop expecting the world to cater to your libido. I’ve had it with selfishness won’t tolerate it.

  2. 3

    Wow. Evan, you make men sound like SO MUCH WORK. Are they really?

    This is an interesting situation because this man has done all the “right” things in terms of introducing her to his friends, respecting her wishes, etc. It does sound to me like he wasn’t ready to commit. Personally I have never had this particular sex/no sex problem. Rather than put it on the man, trying to get him to say something about his feelings or status, I simply state my end, which is, “If you’re sleeping with other people I can’t sleep with you.” I sometimes go on to explain it’s not safe disease-wise, and is likely to hurt my feelings. Historically if the man is interested but has any other things going, he will excuse himself, wrap up or disengage from any loose ends out there, and put focus on getting to know “us” more. I don’t usually expect a man to expose his feelings so soon. In fact, sometimes they’ve asked me what mine are first!

    So, I re-read your statement: “…I wanted to be sure that we weren’t seeing other people first. I told him I could see myself getting more attached to him if we got really physical and just wanted to know there might be something there. Then I said that I was perfectly willing to talk about it all now if he was too…” It’s a lot and seems like you’re asking him to reveal a lot, verbally, about if he’s seeing someone, and if there’s, “something there.” I think it can be hard for men, or anyone, to do this on date 4. Then there’s the “if” of getting physical. I agree with Evan that men need to know it’s an eventuality, not an, “if.” So, again, my advice is, you just state YOUR position without working on getting information out of him. If he is interested, he KNOWS you are, and he’ll will act accordingly.

    Since this guy did all the right things, but time has passed and you haven’t heard from him, why not call him up and get some feedback? Like, “It seemed we were on the road to getting to know each other and I was really enjoying that. It’s fine with me to not continue since it seems you don’t want to…I’m just wondering if I offended you in some way?” You may be surprised by what you hear. Maybe he got a little freaked out and he’s been hoping YOU will call. Or, maybe he’ll just say, “You know, I did have someone else I was interested in and that suddenly took off.” Either way, you’ll have your answer! Better than sitting around wondering…

    Good luck,


    1. 3.1

      Wow. Great insight. Thanks!

    2. 3.2


      I’ve tried it your way also. They then spend a couple of months chasing me, assuring me that they have feelings and want an exclusive relationship with me. I decide to go with it. Then a couple of weeks later, they are pursuing other women and texting once a week.

      And your suggestion on getting feedback from a guy who has decided to be gone is naive. Men who did not talk about their feelings and relationships when you’re dating will not even respond to post dating questions.

      I have a really hard time believing this is how you function, and it works. Sorry.

      1. 3.2.1

        Cleo, a man can think his way out of a relationship…..

        1. Cleo


          I know. You can see them going through the process. I used to try to pull them back. That doesn’t work. Then I give some space. That doesn’t work. It seems once a man is fixated on sex, and is pursuing a woman for weeks, once she decides to throw herself into the relationship, (and this may be where things go wrong) the sex hunt cools with the man, the guy has no other connection with the woman. It’s over.


        2. hunter

          Cleo, try not to ask a man how he “feels,”…he will have a difficult time responding, he can think his way out of a relationship….ask him what he “thinks”….


      2. 3.2.2

        Cleo, women I have dated, would rather not hear about my past relationships….

        1. Cleo


          All good points. Maybe it isn’t so much about men and women but certain people, because it appears people of both genders on here have had bad experiences and relationships.

          I do appreciate you telling me to ask about “thinking” and not “feeling.” That’s something I never thought about.   Men can think their way out of a relationship…….


        2. hunter

          Cleo, there is much to be said about relationships………..


  3. 4

    I agree with Annie’s post no. 1. The right guy will ABSOLUTELY wait for sex with his dreamgirl. I don’t care how old or how experienced the players are, or how “hot” or “plain” they are. This is just a fact. Decent men who are the “marrying kind” want to know that the woman they are considering making a lifelong commitment to is not sexually easy for them to get — because that means she will be sexually easy for other men to get, and I don’t care what men say in jest about how fun it is dating a nympho or whatever, they DO NOT want to think about their sweethearts being promiscuous.

    I was 44 and my now-husband was 34 when we were courting. We kissed beginning on the second date and we didn’t seriously make out until about the 9th date, after he asked me to be exclusive. We went to bed shortly after that. He asked me about sex early on and I smiled and said lightly, “I’m a really generous woman, but the one thing I won’t share is my man. If I think there’s any possibility of our doing this really special thing together, then the next night you’re off doing that same special thing with another woman, that just doesn’t appeal to me, sorry.” He loved it! All the other women who jumped in bed with him, thinking it would be the way to hook him or hold onto him — wrong. He would take what he wanted and be outa there. He’d been waiting his whole life for the woman who valued herself enough to hold out for at least the promise that exclusive dating might lead someplace permanent. That kind of woman is rara avis. ESPECIALLY when she is hot!

    I do think you’re messing up in terms of your approach, though, Colette. It sounds like in response to “Let’s get intimate” you initiated a big relationship talk (which most men HATE), wanting to know where he stood right then and there. That scares men off, even when they’re seriously interested in a woman. A far better response, after only a few dates, would be something like, “I’m flattered you’re that attracted to me; I really dig you, too. It’s kind of early though. Why don’t we see where things go? I’d like our first time to be really special.” Make the words fit into your own mouth, but that idea. Or use a variation of the “rationale” I used, and keep it short and sweet. Notice how I set forth my boundaries (“We need to be exclusive/monogamous before I will sleep with you”) without coming out and saying those words. I said what I said in a very playful tone of voice. You should, too. Don’t turn “Wow, do I ever want to take you to bed and ravish you” into an excuse for finding out a man’s intentions. Just smile and enjoy it and tell him how flattered you are, while still laying out your own boundaries. Like Evan says, give the guy hope! That’s what will keep him hooked, not easy sex.

    Sherry Argov in her book “Why Men Love Bitches” talks about sex during courtship in terms of “giving it up one Jujube at a time.” Very similar to Evan’s talking about “bases.” It sounds like what you really need are “what to say when” ideas. Be light and witty and a little mysterious, and give the guy something to look forward to in the future, without giving away more than you’re comfortable with. And without “offering” to nail down your relationship right then and there. That’s the man’s job, Colette. It’s your job to consider whether you like the parameters he sets over time and either accept or reject them and move on. It is not our job as women to drive the relationship, and I think maybe that’s the source of your bad luck, if this tends to be a pattern for you.

    1. 4.1

      I disagree, although I’m looking for a horny woman though, so if we feel a natural connection on the first date and everything is getting huffy and leading towards sex and she stops us. I never call her back period. I don’t like playing games and don’t like women who play games. Women who have sex with me on the first I know are VERY attracted to me and also have a high sex drive so I pursue them for relationships, and am currently in a really good one that I am excited about soo…

      1. 4.1.1

        At least you are up front – wanting a hook up and that works for you. Colette wants a loving, monogamous relationship.

      2. 4.1.2

        And Orion, is this how you are with any woman you are sexually attracted to? Glad you’re happy, but Annie, and many other women can be totally into a man physically but know that giving in on the first date without knowing him a little bit is just a one night stand most of the time.   When a man does this to a woman, it hurts, and most men do. How can you expect a woman to give herself totally to an unknown man when she’s been burned by so many others because she thinks his physical attraction will grow into something more? I know it has happened in about 3 percent of the cases. If a man is really into a woman, why can’t he be the good guy and give it two or three dates and then find out she’s a tigress in bed? Your thinking is all about you. I hope you tell these women that if they don’t sleep with you on first meeting, they’re gone.

        1. hunter

          Cleo, a tigress, is very hard to find…..

        2. Cleo


          You’re funny in the good kinda way. lol.

          All I’m saying is women like sex too. Some like it very much. Most of those women who like sex very much will hold off a few dates because they don’t want to get caught up in an eventual friends with benefits. Men say they are looking for a woman with a high sex drive for a long term relationship, but when they find one, they start to question how many men has she been with, was I great compared to them? Then they become insecure. Then they decide to go find another woman with a high sex drive, and they go through it all again. It’s as if in the search for a hot woman in bed, they lose sight of her humanity and the fact that she is so much more.

        3. hunter

          Cleo, past relationships are personal, one doesn’t have to answer the question…

    2. 4.2

      I am almost 60 and have a high sex drive. At this age, men have limited years for full functionality, and for many of them, things just take longer with different outcomes than when they were 30…
      In my 50s, I have been in two relationships in which I had sex early on and the men wanted to marry me. One told me after two years that he thought my desire for sex wouldn’t last, but now he understood it was who I really am.
      I will have sex early on because if it isn’t good for me, I want to jump back into the dating pool. I still have hopes of finding love and great sex!

  4. 5

    Well said, LOVING ANNIE!!!!

    Just one more thing that has not been mentioned in this debate…maybe because it’s obvious, but…. having him claim he is ready for commitment STILL doesn’t guarantee — “post-coital” that he actually is. In other words, he can still hide his true stripes, tell you he is ready to make that leap, and still be gone before the breakfast dishes are washed. I don’t mean to sound like the Grim Reaper, but unfortunately, there are no guarantees any way you look at it. That said, though, I have to keep believing, as Evan says, that if a woman (and not just “pretty” women) determines her personal healthy boundaries and learns to communicate them in a non-rigid, non-frigid, encouraging way, she’ll eventually get to a man of substance and integrity, who is also hot. Just plan to do a lot of frog kissing first.

  5. 6
    Cathouse Teri

    Evan, you make some great points.

    But I don’t think there is ever anything wrong with saying, “I am just not ready for sex.” There are many, many, many, many men who (although they may want sex) are willing to wait and see where it goes. I do not think a woman (or man, for that matter) should have to explain their reasons for wanting to wait, either.

    Believe me, if a man is put off by the fact that you open up and say, “Hey, I wanna wait,” then he is nothing like ready to be open to understanding where you may be coming from, relationally. And that makes him NOT a candidate for a future.

    I think this is a great way to weed out the frogs. They hop along on their merry way and find sex with some other hot girl and whateverthehell else they are looking for.

    Stick to your guns, babe. I guarantee a prince of a man will come along at some point.

  6. 7

    “It sounds like in response to “Let’s get intimate” you initiated a big relationship talk (which most men HATE), wanting to know where he stood right then and there. That scares men off, even when they’re seriously interested in a woman.”

    I fully agree. This is the part that set off alarms for me. It was way to early to say this to him. Oh well. Live and Learn.

    1. 7.1

      Me three. I immediately thought, what’s all this talking? I’d probably just have gotten up for a drink of water, smirked and said “wow, I need to cool off…is it hot in here?” Both messages conveyed – I’m into you, but I’m slowing it down.
      Men tend to see what you do, instead of hear it.

  7. 8

    Annie, your views are noble, but way out of line with reality. Here’s the reality for guys(I’m paraphrasing the book title): She’s just not into you!

    Evan, your response as usual, was pretty close to the way I feel. In the relationships in my life that I had with women that were most long term and most meaningful to me, sex happened much sooner than the 9-10 dates that Annie referred to. Why? Because there was so much good energy in the air between us, that we couldn’t stay apart. I’m not referring to just sexual energy. I’m talking about a strong emotional connection.

    I once dated a lady that I sincerely liked a lot. She wasn’t ready to “go all the way” after 5-6 dates and countless hours on the phone together because she first wanted a commitment of monogamy from me. While I understood her sentiment, the discussion took some romantic breeze from my sail. I was really into this girl and I wanted our lovemaking to stem from romance and mutual, not from a contract.

    I thought that I was a good “risk” to her but she needed the verbal promise, which I wouldn’t give. Not because I wasn’t ready for it. I just thought that it was a foolish thing to say, knowing that if things didn’t work out for either of us, she’d run for the hills as fast as I would if I was the unhappy one.

    Ladies, do you want some guy to B.S. you and say what you want to hear in order to get laid or do you want emotional intimacy? I suspect the latter. Pinning him down to an agreement so early that YOU may not even want to live up to may or may not yield the results you want.

    1. 8.1


      Thoughtful reply. But I have a question. A woman wants some kind of commitment before sex. I don’t know where men go in their heads when they hear or think they hear “commitment” but I think their fears run away with them. The initial commitment a woman usually wants is that he will continue to remain active and sincere in seeing if the two of you are compatible for a more in-depth relationship. Monogamy during this testing time is preferable. If a man is having sex with more than one woman at a time, his attention is divided and he remains in limbo. It’s only when he focuses on a goal, like just seeing if he is compatible with a particular woman, that he is at his best. Men are always at their best when they have something to accomplish. I have asked many men in the past three years, and yes, after a couple of meetings I DO ask, “What do you want from life? What do you want from a relationship? What are you looking for relationship wise on this dating site?” The number one answer is “I don’t know.” And here lies the problem.

      Women, for the most part, know what they want. Men, for the most part, have no clue. After the first three or four months of sexual attraction, he is left clueless about why he is seeing a woman, and moves on to the next woman.

      I want to clarify, I’m talking about men over the age of 45 for the most part. They are divorced or never married.

      1. 8.1.1

        Cleo, I have been told, one way to end a relationship is to tell a woman, a man only needs her for sex….

    2. 8.2


      You will not have real emotional intimacy after a few days. Even 9 or 10 dates is not enough time to really know someone else. Real emotional intimacy can take months, not days. Understand that the women making men wait for sex until a commitment have usually been dogged out by several other men who refuse to commit after they have sex before real emotional intimacy takes place. In our society men are encouraged to treat women like disposable, sexual toys and to be womanizers, so there are many women who suffer emotionally due to this. I think decent dudes need to encourage men to change their womanizing behavior if they are tired of having to wait so long for sex.   At the end of the day Robert, if you were serious about pursuing a committed relationship with the young lady that you wanted to sleep with, you wouldn’t mind at least agreeing to be exclusive and in a committed relationship with her before doing so. You knew a few dates with her was not enough time to decide whether or not you wanted to be committed in a relationship….only enough time for you to decide you were ready to sleep with her.   If she wanted a “contract” as you call it, she would have asked for marriage. Sounds like she explained what her requirements were for a relationship to you in the beginning so that was your chance to end things and find a woman who doesn’t mind sleeping with you on the first or second date.  Bottom line, she wanted to take her time to get to know you for a real relationship, and you just wanted sex. If it were anything more than that you would have had no problem at least agreeing to be exclusive, or you would have made her wait for sex also until you could see if she was worth you committing to.   I agree with Cleo, “Women for the most part know what they want in a relationship, but Men for the most part have no clue. After the first three or four months of sexual attraction, he is left clueless about why he is seeing a woman, and moves on to the next.”  

  8. 9

    If I were single, I think things would either fall into a “friends with benefits” category or a “monogamous-this-might-be-leading-somewhere” category. And which one it was would have to be clearly established before I’d hop in the sack.

    The BF and I had sex on our first date…on our second date (a day and a half later) we agreed to be exclusive. Like some others here said, we had so much good energy the sex was inevitable…but the energy was also so good that agreeing to be exclusive was easy.

  9. 10


    right on, every point you made.

    Me? Well, I personally wouldn’t even consider committing to a man if I don’t know what he is like in bed. Why on earth should the guy?

    Listen to what Robert said, ladies. All this “prince” talk is a bit, shall we say, naive.

  10. 11

    Oh, as for men being so much work, the guy who writes “your hot” is not worth my time or effort. Attempting to extract any semblance of an intelligent exchange out of that would be akin to juicing a stone.

    In other words, be very discriminate as to whom you choose to “work” on.

  11. 12

    Hi Juju,

    Thanks for the props.

    By, “work,” I just meant all the thinking women are told to do to phrase things correctly for the men…to be “playful,” encouraging, playing hard to get, mysterious, light…whatever. Most men who like me…I can just tell them what’s up and they’re cool with that. It’s a lot of work, otherwise, for something that probably won’t work, anyway…if it needs that much of a delicate touch. Phew. I’m tired just thinking about it.

    I would say to any men on this blog: feel free to ask questions of women for clarification. We might not have said it EXACTLY right! And then the two go their separate ways…what a shame! Que lastima!



  12. 13

    It sounds like, from reading the above, when it’s right he wants what you want, no matter, whether it’s right-away-sex or let’s-wait-sex. Which leads us back to the mythological: you just haven’t met the right one yet. Maybe it’s true. It would put Evan out a job, though! ;~)

    I still think she should call him. I live in a small enough town that inevitably you run into the person and you can say, “What’s up?” But in bigger towns, gotta p/u the phone. Do it! Do it! Now even I’m curious, after all this speculation.


  13. 14

    “You may have felt that you were just speaking your mind and explaining your deep-seated reasons and ethics. Maybe all he heard was, No. I don’t find you attractive.”

    c’mon, Evan, gimme a break. If he really felt that way he wouldn’t have stayed with her through the end of the next day.

    So what’s a girl to do – put out just to keep the guy if it doesn’t feel right to her?

    Collette clearly stated what she’s looking for – she didn’t say she was looking for him to totally commit to her right then or there, just that she wasn’t ready to sleep with him yet after ONLY 4 DATES. and she wasn’t playing any games, just being straight up.

    And maybe the guy realized he wasn’t ready for that type of committment at all – not from her nor from anyone else.

    That doesn’t mean Collette did anything wrong – only saved herself from future heartache. If she slept with him she would have gotten very attached and on an emotional roller coaster.
    And I’ll be you anything that this guy respects her as much as she respects herself. And a couple of years from now when he’s ready to settle down he’ll be kicking himself realizing what a schmo he was.

  14. 15

    It’s a lot of work, otherwise, for something that probably won’t work, anyway if it needs that much of a delicate touch.

    Exactly. I am with you on that. Which is why I don’t subscribe to any of the “seduction rules” so abundantly dispersed to women. If I can’t be myself with this person and, particularly, if we are on such different wavelengths that he can misunderstand / misinterpret me like that, then… well, it isn’t much of a relationship.

    As for commitment, whenever I hear people talking about that (what I perceive as prematurely), or this no sex before marriage thing we discussed here recently, I just itch to ask all involved: would you commit to a person if you didn’t know what s/he looked like? What their personality / worldview was like? Why exactly is this any different?

  15. 16

    I agree 100% with Loving Annie…and I’m a dude. Go figure.

    The right man will wait for the right girl. Unless something dramatic happened at that date at the farmer’s market, it’s obvious the guy 86’d you because he couldn’t get in your pants.

    Anyone with high self esteem would say, “his loss, not mine.” Good thing for you you didn’t have sex with him. Imagine how you would’ve felt if you did and never heard from him afterwards.

    The right guy will wait for you. Unfortunately, ordering the right guy or the right girl is not as easy as ordering out for a pizza delivery.

  16. 17

    I disagree STRONGLY with Kris.

    Don’t call this guy. It will be a big mistake. Move on. This guy has dumped you like cargo because you would not have sex with him on his terms.

    He’s driftwood. Move on. There are shitloads of quality people out there. You will lose all your personal power if you call this “man” up and ask him what happened.

    TRUST ME. If you meant everything to that “man,” HE would still be calling you.

    1. 17.1

      Oh so true Ron. I’ve had this line thrown at me several times as if it would magically make me go against my instincts. To me it is all about power and nothing about wanting to make a connection. When a woman hears this come out of the mouth of a man she has just met, it is like the helium being sucked from a balloon. It’s brutal.

  17. 18
    just saying...

    Evan, it’s one thing to discuss how a woman gets her point across to a guy she’s emailing on line. It’s another when you’re talking about having sex with someone for the first time.

    this guy is only looking for sex.

    Collette, keep at it; you said you have no problem getting dates so you have plenty of opportunities to move on and find a guy who respects you for you.

  18. 19

    I feel like it’s a good thing that I made my feelings clear he responded by showing his true intentions were not to have a relationship but to just get laid.

    Some people want both and may leave if they are not getting one need or another met.

    1. 19.1

      The first time you meet?

  19. 20
    Cute Redhead

    I think the answer is no. If you are a woman you cannot hold out on having sex with a man, especially if you are hot. It is your responsibility as a woman to take care of the sexual needs of a man if you hope to have a relationship with him. The sooner you can demonstrate that you are willing and able to take care of his sexual needs, the more likely it is that he will commit, if only for a short time, and maybe even love you enough to be exclusive, if only for short time. I’m not sure what the woman gets in return for this, but I’m sure that he will let her know what he is willing to offer her once they are committed. It isn’t really right to make deals for sex, so you can’t really expect anything in return for having sex with him — that’s a bit whorish. The most you can expect is the CHANCE that he will pick you out of all the women out there that he is sleeping with, wants to sleep with, or may someday meet and sleep with.

    Ahem. OF COURSE you can have sexual boundaries, and if the guys you meet don’t get it, their loss. You sound great, Collette, and like you have your head on straight. Hold out for the right guy and the right relationship, if that’s the way you want to do it.

    1. 20.1

      Cute Redhead,

      Couldn’t agree more. By all means, a woman should have her boundaries and shouldn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do, but if we are in a relationship with a woman we do want sex.


      On one hand, it is great that Colette is very attractive and is able to get dates easily. But on the other hand, in a way, this factor is working against her. If Colette is like most of my beautiful friends who can get pretty much any guy, she has very high standards for guys she dates. Very high standards. There is nothing wrong with that, except for the fact that some guy that a hot girl is going to be attracted to is going to be attractive to a ton of other women. He is going to have tons of others options, so why would he stick around for months and months with a girl who doesn’t want to have sex with him? What it boils down to, from a guy’s perspective, is if a girl isn’t interested in having sex with him, she simply isn’t interested in him.

      1. 20.1.1

        If I’m in a relationship with a man we better be having sex. This is about the first meeting.

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