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I’ve been in love with my friend for over 5 years. We’ve been friends with “benefits” for over 2 years. Over the years, he always assumed we were just friends and as for me, I agreed with everything he said because I loved him. He told me two weeks ago, he was getting married to a girl he was into for many years. She finally accepted his proposal. I was devastated when he told me the news. I decided then I would cut him off because I could not handle it emotionally. I just wanted to crawl up in a hole and cry. So I cut him off. It was only a week since he didn’t hear from me. He got upset and came to see me. He said he was “hurt” I stopped talking to him. He still wants us to be friends and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to carry on as we were. He didn’t think it was a big deal that he was getting married but we could still maintain being friends. He couldn’t forget me and he will never erase me from his life. How can I pretend to be his friend?
I’ve been sleeping with him for awhile. I couldn’t imagine being introduced as his “friend” to his wife. He said everything will be normal and even I’ll get married and it will eventually all work out. What should I do? Continue being there as his “friend”? Why does he still want me around even though he’s marrying the women of his dreams?
Is he just using me?
I am so confused. Does he genuinely care for as a friend? He says so but somehow that explanation doesn’t sit well with me. If he loves his future wife as deeply as he says he does, what does he need me for?
G.D.
On one hand, I can’t imagine how you could be shocked when your best friend proposes to his girlfriend. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how you’d be so heartbroken if he’s been dating someone else exclusively for two years.
There are two very important pieces of information missing from your email. And until you clarify them, it’s impossible to give sound advice. But I’m going to do my best to be a detective and figure things out, logically.
The way you tell the story, it sounds like you were the “once a week” girl for two years, and then suddenly, he informed you that he was marrying his long-term crush that he had never even dated.
But something about this scenario doesn’t add up. It seems to minimize the relationship he has with his fiancée – as if he suddenly got married on a whim. Now if he DID get married on a whim – if he proposed to a girl he’d never even dated before, then, yes, I could see why you’d feel shocked and devastated at this sudden turn of events.
However, people generally don’t marry total strangers. I’m particularly skeptical because you wrote, “she finally accepted his proposal”. This indicates to me that this was his long-term GIRLFRIEND that he was marrying – not just a long-term crush.
Which brings up another question: was he cheating on his girlfriend with you for two years? Or were you friends with benefits until he got exclusive?
This, as you can imagine, makes a huge difference when it comes to assigning responsibility for how you could have ended up here, G.D.
On one hand, I can’t imagine how you could be shocked when your best friend proposes to his girlfriend. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how you’d be so heartbroken if he’s been dating someone else exclusively for two years.
What I CAN say with all certainty is this:
He is selfish. You are clueless.
He is selfish because, whether he cheated on his fiancée or not, he has to know that you’re in love with him. And while you say that he “assumed we were just friends”, he was still having sex with you. The fact that he wants to stay in touch and act like nothing’s changed indicates that he doesn’t fully understand how much you care. Whether he wants to keep you around as a friend or as a hookup down the road doesn’t matter. Neither case works for you. Lots of guys don’t think they’re selfish when they don’t say “I love you” or make any promises about commitment, but the good ones know when they’re abusing their power. This guy doesn’t seem like a good one.
What I CAN say with all certainty is this: He is selfish. You are clueless.
As for you, G.D – “clueless” may sound harsh, but there are too many things that don’t add up in this story.
Were you investing way too much time in a man who said you were “just friends”?
Did you have a fantasy relationship with a taken guy who blew you off years ago?
Do you foolishly want to win over a man who has been cheating on his fiancée for two years? Or win over a guy who has never given any indication to you in five years that he wants you as a girlfriend.
No matter what the real story is, you’ve made some major miscalculations. No matter how selfish your guy is, it’s your responsibility for not reading the writing on the wall sooner.
Which is why my advice to you echoes exactly what you said in your original letter.
Yes, he cares about you as a friend.
Yes, he still wants to sleep with you.
No, things will never be normal.
No, you shouldn’t be friends with him anymore.
Good luck to you – and good riddance to this one-sided, unrequited love you’ve been harboring for five years. I hope you won’t accept another friends-with-benefits arrangement ever again.
delicia says
He came back to see you a week after you cut him off?? Girl, he is using you for sex and/or emotional support and the ego boost he gets from your fawning over him. GET RID OF HIM. He is not going to go away until YOU TELL HIM TO. That means no calls, emails, texts, visits, and if you see him on the street, say hi and keep walking. You deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you and only you. Please find the strength within yourself (and on this blog if need be) to love yourself and first and foremost take care of your emotional needs. This guy needs to go. Obviously it wasn’t meant to be and you need to accept that and let him go. Good luck and keep us posted!
R M says
Delicia,
Thank u for ur advise..am going through a similar situation too…my boyfriend has got engaged to a girl he knew before me.. though he did not say that to me..got to know through friends..been in a relationship with him for a year and a half..now when i stopped whatsapping him or calling him..he is pursuing me…asking me to continue the relationship as before..i was totally heartbroken..when i knew of his engagement..
was so confused about my life..but ur advice to GD, has helped me a lot to clear my mind..and yes i think he is using me..have to get rid of this relationship totally.
starthrower68 says
While I suppose it’s not true of all women, most of us cannot have an “FWB” arrangement without developing feelings for the guy. I don’t believe most women are wired that way. Nothing good generally comes of these arrangements. Of course the question is not the FWB issue, it’s should she or should she not be friends with this guy. I say that is as about as self-protective as hurling oneself in front of a bus. Her healing will come only through completly cutting off contact with this prince of a guy .
Steve says
GD;
The bottom line is that you need to take care of yourself.
Very few people can heal by hanging around someone they are in unrequited love with. Yes, your friend may be hurt that he can no longer be friends with you for an indefinite period of time. However, he is in love and has someone…you don’t,… and you are in pain. Explain this to him and then cut yourself off from him.
The best way to get over somebody is to work hard at something that sucks up your attention and gets your mind off of yourself.
Steve says
GD;
I disagree with Evan that you were clueless or that your friend was dishonest in any way.
“Friends With Benefits” means just that, friends.
It is based on upfront agreement that people like each other, want to have sex, but can’t see being romantically involved with each other.
There is the assumption there that both people will be looking for someone they can get romantically involved with and that is one of the few ways FWBs work well. When both people are out there seriously looking.
Once you fell in love with him you stopped being his friend. You should have said something then and ended the FWB if he didn’t feel the same. I’m guessing you didn’t because you were afraid of feeling rejected and you didn’t want to lose what little you thought/wished you really had.
Now you have the pain of an unrequited love to deal with. Lesson learned.
Unless you friend promised you he wasn’t dating anyone else he wasn’t being dishonest with you. Again, that is what FWB is about.
Amber Gardner says
UNFORTUNATELY, I think the entire planet is aware that women fall hard when it comes to sex, and that men are NOT clueless about this. FRIENDS do not run all over the feelings of people they care for, whether or not that friend allows it. Every man who does this is wrong…POINT..BLANK. And they know it, and they drown out their conscience and excuse it. Men aren’t stupid. They know when women love them.
If a man is seeing someone else while sleeping with you, that is dishonest behavior all the way around. SO sick of the excuses made up for men to erase the golden rule towards women.
Yet Another Guy says
@Amber Gardner
The OP and her friend were not dating in a romantic context. They were having sex as friends. Women do it to men too. When I was 34, I was doing the once a week thing with a women with whom I worked. One night after a fairly steamy session, she informed me that she was getting married. I was taken back because I did not even know that she had a boyfriend; however, I was good until what came out of her mouth next. She asked me if I wanted to continue our arrangement after she got married because the sex was so much better than it was with her fiancee. I told her that she needed to teach him what she liked. It was great sex, but there was no way I could do that to another man on a regular basis now that I knew, especially considering that we worked together. If he knew that she was coming over to my place on a regular basis, I seriously doubt that he would have married her. I felt really sorry for that guy.
Steve says
I have to say that I am taken aback by the number of people instantly writing off GD’s friend as a bad guy.
How about the possibility that he was genuinely friends with her and that is why he wants to stay in touch? You know, being a friend?
It was a FWB relationship. That means people understand up front that it is only about friendship and sex. It sounds from GD’s email that he never led her to believe anything else.
I agree, GD needs to cut herself off from him.
In the meantime can we can the sexism by assuming that GD is a victim because she is female and that her friend is a perpetrator because he was a man?
Mary says
Steve, although I completely understand your explanation, the FWB thing rarely means the same thing for guys and girls. For guys it’s just that…friends (no commitment) with sexual benefits. For ladies, its more of a “I cant have him as a committed partner so I’ll settle for what I can get” thing. Some of him for some of her….Trust me….MOST women, ladies, females….want the relationship whether you “agreed’ upon it or not. I don’t look as GD as a victim other than of her own low self esteem. As long as he didn’t portray the relationship as anything more, as a woman she should know what she agreed to.
dadshouse says
EMK – great detective work! GD is clueless, indeed. In fact, I’d suggest she’s not “friends with benefits” with this guy – she’s his mistress, straight up.
I don’t believe he wants to remain friends and not have benefits with her. For this guy to be sleeping with one woman while he’s courting another woman for marriage says a lot.
dadshouse´s last blog post…Sex Toys Suck!
Lisa Strally says
I agree he is setting her up ro be his mistress . That is why he ia telling her he is getting married and wants to remain friends .
Jennifer says
GD,
This arrangement can’t have been satisfying for you- pining away for someone for years, being as close to them as physically possible yet still not ‘having’ them- but you stayed and now you are upset that it’s ending and all of your feelings and time are going to be discounted. I’m sorry this happened.
I know you want to hear that he cares about you. He does. But not the way you want/need him to. It’s gonna be hard but don’t spend a few more years trying to figure out why he doesn’t- just get yourself together.
I understand that this sucks and hurts a lot. But this is much bigger than this guy and your friendship and his marriage. You aren’t a very big fan of yourself; you need to figure out why and what you can do to feel better. Because once you like yourself more, you won’t punish yourself or just feel happy to be getting *something* from somebody even if it’s not what you really want or stay in unsatsifying situations long-term. And I think that’s the ultimate goal here.
You’ll be uncomfortable and feel out of sorts for a while, like when you are doing anytihng new, but eventually you’ll learn and you’ll be okay. Best of luck.
Stel says
Jennifer,
This is just what I really need. I am not in the same situation as GD, but in an unrequited love situation myself. I have tried so many times to cut all communications from him and I kept coming back. I hope i can finally do it this time.
GD,
I know it’s going to be hard, I just wish you all the luck that you will get over this soon.
Selena says
This is sad. I suspect in many of these FWB arrangements one person does feel more and continues on hoping the other will “come around” and realize it’s more than just booty call after all.
The only way I can see GD being surprised at the engagement is because he probably never talked about the girl “he was into for many years” when they were together. Hard to keep up the pretense of being FWB knowing someone else is waiting at home and being lied to.
Selena says
@#5
We could Steve, and maybe should given the lack of information, but when you are genuinely friends, you usually know when your friend is serious about someone enough to propose. If he was really her friend why would he have hid the knowledge of “the girl he was into for many years” from her? Or downplay it, if that was the case?
Honey says
Yes, I agree with what others have said that something here just doesn’t add up – Evan assigns equal blame that she is clueless and he is selfish, and I agree. I don’t think it’s sexist (@Steve, #s 4 and 5) to say that he almost assuredly knew that GD was in love with him. Someone is always the attached one, and one the taking-advantage-one, in FWB relationships – I’ve certainly seen the guy be the attached one while the girl takes advantage and vice versa. It’s not gender related, it’s who happened to do it this time.
Honey´s last blog post…Vegas Memorial Weekend Sextacular: Preview
Lexy says
This is sad, only because you have had such low expectations for yourself for 5 years, your self-esteem is so low that you still believe this man to be a “catch.” I believe GD knew about the other woman and wasn’t blind-sided. If that’s so, then she has been cheating with the guy. If that’s not the case, then this guy was passing time with her for two years, afraid to go for the woman of his dreams, and begging her to give him a chance and marry him, when he couldn’t even commit fully to the future fiancee because he was busy messing around with GD! Phew. I am tired.
GD, find an available man. There has to be a man better than this one out there.
Lexy´s last blog post…Not Seeing
Steve says
@Selena, post #8. Good point.
Ruby says
You want to talk about clueless? Someone who could say what G.D.’s “friend” said below is even more clueless than she is. Either that, or he’s a class-A manipulator:
“He said he was hurt I stopped talking to him. He still wants us to be friends and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to carry on as we were. He didn’t think it was a big deal that he was getting married but we could still maintain being friends.”
He “couldn’t understand”? His marriage isn’t “a big deal”? Yes, something isn’t right here, but does it even matter? Sounds like this guy would be happy to keep his FWB, even after he’s married. My guess is that’s exactly what he’d do if given a chance. Time to kick this a-hole to the curb!
4badgirlzonly says
Replying to STEVE (#4 & #5):
I believe that Evan is right-on with his analysis…
1) Not enough information. There are some holes in GD’s letter. The reader does not know if the FWB situation came as a cognizant agreement between consenting adults, or something that was haphazardly stepped into (@#4/#5). Steve’s post places ALL the blame on GD’s undersights, but how does the reader know if GD violated a spoken or UNspoken agreement or not?
2) GD’s friend is selfish AND greedy. Period.
3) GD needs to move on. Her “friend” is not the type of “friend” she needs. Period.
I’m definitely seeing where BOTH parties need to take responsibility for their actions.
http://www.4badgirlzonly.wordpress.com
Karl R says
G.D. said: (original letter)
“We’ve been friends with benefits for over 2 years. Over the years, he always assumed we were just friends and as for me, I agreed with everything he said because I loved him.”
That’s not being in love. That’s being in a fantasy.
If someone says “No”, then you need to move on. You can have sex with that person if you want (though that tends to get in the way of “moving on”). But the chances of getting that person back are a long-shot at best. Most of the time you have no chance.
But it’s easy to find reasons to give ourselves false hope. Just over a week ago I asked a lady out. She said she was “flattered” that I’d asked, but she declined because she was “seeing someone else.” It’s possible that she’ll break up with that man and be interested in dating me … or it’s possible that she’ll eventually marry him. I’m not waiting to find out. If they break up, she knows where to find me.
Or to put it another way, “No means No.”
Evan said: (initial response)
“he has to know that you’re in love with him.”
I have to disagree with this one. I don’t read minds, and I don’t expect people to read my mind. G.D. said that she “agreed with everything” when her FWB said they were just friends.
If I consistently lie to a woman (whether it’s about how I feel or anything else), does it become her fault when she believes me? If not, why does the FWB become responsible for knowing how G.B. really felt? Maybe he figured it out; maybe he’s clueless too. There’s just not enough information to go on.
That point aside, I see a FWB situation as one where two people have mutually decided to use each other for sex. As long as they both agree to it, it’s their decision. And if it’s not working for one person (like G.B), then that person should leave the situation immediately.
Lisa says
I was in a relationship very similar to this until two months ago. I was that amount of stupid/unrealistically hopeful. I’m somewhat ashamed that I REFUSED to read the writing on the wall.
However, I’m taking this as a learning experience. Now I REFUSE to let anyone treat me like that again. Here’s hoping I’m smarter while I’m still in my mid-20s! 🙂
Sara says
@Steve I think the FWB relationship gets a bad rap because it’s often not an equal relationship where both people’s needs are being met. Like Honey said, this isn’t about men and women, it’s about who is taking advantage of whom (just like you probably hate beautiful women who string guys along for money, attention, whatever). In this case, he should care at least enough about her to end their sexual relationship since after two years, it would be obvious to anyone that she has feelings for him. FWB isn’t just “benefits” but also “friends” which implies mutual respect for the other person. It can work, but it often doesn’t. Both people have to be able to honestly express what they need from the other on an ongoing basis.
delicia says
@ Steve, I didn’t say this guy was an inherently bad guy…. but he (and G.D.’s involvement with him) is BAD for her. Toxic, actually. I’d like to think this guy really was just “clueless” and not the A-hole he might actually be for stringing G.D. along “not knowing” she was head over heels in love with him. But that’s an argument for another day. Bottom line, G.D., quit spending any more of your precious life figuring out what happened or hoping/wishing things were different. Much easier said than done I know, but I PROMISE, your life will be 10,000x better once you free yourself from this situation that is sucking the life out of you. I really do wish you all the best – I’ve been in your shoes before and I know how hard it can be. But you will get through it. To echo other posters, focus on yourself or volunteering or something to get your mind off it. Be open to new things, people and experiences and in time your heart will heal.
suzanne Lay says
I was in a relationship many many years ago before fwb existed I was madly in love with a guy when I was in my 20s…back then this was me and him…I finally wised up and met the guy I would marry but right before my wedding this unrequited love came back crying he loved me..I married my husband and he hit the road…awkward when I run into him years apart due to mutual friends…his loss…move on
Steve says
@Ruby, post #13
Maybe he truly valued her as a friend, was hurt at losing a friend, and meant that his marriage so no big deal in terms of their friendship ( presumably without the benefits ) surviving.
casualencounters.com/blog says
If she were in love with him and he genuinely didn’t know, then he’s beyond clueless. He’s a tree stump clothed in flesh.
casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post…Faux fuck buddy needed
Curly Girl says
Bad story. Well, we’ve all been there.
JuJu says
I have an acquaintance who was in this exact same situation. Had a mental breakdown when the guy announced he was getting married.
All the same questions remained unanswered (did she not know about the other, the -actual- relationship he was in? was he cheating on his actual gf the whole time? etc., etc.), and she and I are not close enough for me to ask that. As it happens, I only heard about the guy’s marriage from a mutual friend.
But hey, what on earth did she expect from a guy (this she told me herself) whom at first she had to implore to be with her? Who in the beginning explicitly told her that he doesn’t perceive her as a woman? (!)
Really, instead of trying to seduce the guy anyway, have some self-respect! And Curly Girl, no, we haven’t all been there, fortunately (not that I personally never had any self-worth issues).
JuJu says
One of my best (male) friends had this sort of non-relationship, too. At first I knew nothing about the woman, thought that perhaps it was some college girl who didn’t take him seriously either (he was 37 or something like that at the time). Well, it turned out to be a woman a decade older than him. And I told him right off, that I DO NOT BELIEVE that a woman that age, who’s never been married and does not have children, is NOT, in fact, looking for love.
Yes, it was a FB relationship from the beginning – she specified this much in her own online ad, something like “looking for summer fun with a younger man” (how frightening is it, a woman approaching 50 having so little self-awareness). Well, a summer turned into a year, and when he announced he found someone he’d actually like to get serious with, she broke down in tears, said she fell for him, and so on and so forth.
And then I asked him, “and how do you feel about yourself NOW?”
JuJu says
I would venture to claim that it’s only men who are capable of this sort of arrangement to begin with. Not necessarily because the women always get attached after sex – there were times when I certainly didn’t, and, in fact, never wanted to see the man again (something I always said: being attracted to someone and still finding them attractive after having sex with them are two different things).
I get attached when I am able to maintain attraction on all the necessary (for me) levels, which at first are physical and intellectual. However, if I can’t talk to the guy, I won’t be willing to have sex with him either, at least not indefinitely. It’s only men who can have sex with someone they aren’t attracted to on any level for years on end.
lily says
I think that is terribly sexist to say only men are capable of this sort of arrangement. I think any human who is very highly sexual is capable of doing FWB to assure a constant supply of sex, especially if both people are extremely sensual AND sexual. Everyone has to be up front and honest about the parameters of the relationship (i.e., both people are looking online and once one person starts sleeping with another romantic partner, the sex stops in the FWB and it will be just friends.) But to be in a FWB with someone who is also very serious about another romance, and not to be looking for your own, separate romance, is a very vulnerable position indeed.
delicia says
@ Juju, I disagree. He had to have been attracted to G.D. if they were f*** buddies for two years. And from her letter it sounds like he enjoyed her company (i.e. it wasn’t just booty calls); it’s just that he never saw her as “girlfriend material”… which could very well be its own post (Evan, are you listening? 🙂 I’m sure it wildly varies from one bloke to the next, but I’d love to get some “guy input” on what makes them think of some girls as having “girlfriend potential” vs. just FWB?? I think there’s a book out like “why men marry some women and not others” or some such title, haven’t read it but I’m curious to know people’s thoughts.
Curly Girl says
JuJu, I meant unrequited love that makes us hold out for the unattainable and do dumb things. I once baked a pie and left it with a doorman. (It was a very good pie. I eventually got the pie plate back, but not because the guy was so keen to see me again. I felt really dumb.)
I’m not a FWB kind of person myself. Too complicated for me and I don’t need them. But I applaud the spirit of those relationships.
I think many, many women have sex with men they aren’t attracted to for years on end. Think about it.
JuJu says
delicia,
this guy friend I spoke of said exactly that – that he didn’t find that older woman attractive. Moreover, he mentioned at one time that the “relationship” was taking more of an emotional toll on him than he would have liked. Due to the lack of self-awareness on her part I referred to above, occasionally he had to counsel her on the various aspects of her life, and as a person she did not interest him enough to invest than much energy in her.
Frankly, I was surprised he was able to get it up for her for as long as he was. Seriously.
I know I wouldn’t have been able to, figuratively speaking.
JuJu says
Curly Girl said: I think many, many women have sex with men they aren’t attracted to for years on end. Think about it.
Heh, look at all the women, historically, who never loved their husbands! Which is how it is beyond obvious that women do not, in fact, automatically develop feelings for each man they have sex with.
Although, I doubt they would pursue a “friends with benefits” situation with men they don’t find attractive.
Selena says
JuJu #24
“..(something I always said: being attracted to someone and still finding them attractive after having sex with them are two different things).
I’ve always felt the same. When I’ve found myself incompatible with someone sexually, or on other levels, the initial attraction fades out. I’ve never felt the desire to keep a relationship like that going, casually or otherwise.
But plenty of people of both genders seem willing to keep a relationship going despite lack of attraction: they call it “settling”.
Ruby says
@Ruby, post #13
Maybe he truly valued her as a friend, was hurt at losing a friend, and meant that his marriage so no big deal in terms of their friendship ( presumably without the benefits ) surviving.
Steve,
I did consider this as a possibility after I posted. But I wonder if the “hurt” her friend feels is really just guilt? Who cares about his “pain” or guilt at this point anyway? He’s had his cake and been eating it too (no pun intended). What about G.D.’s pain? And yes, she has brought this on herself, but I have trouble believing that he didn’t straight up take advantage of her feelings for him. She may have known about his feelings for the other girl, but did she know that they were in a serious relationship? “A girl he was into for many years” doesn’t quite sound like a girlfriend to me. Remember, she said she was the one who had to “cut him off”, despite the fact that he “loves his future wife…deeply as he says he does…” Sorry, I still think this man is bad news.
Steve says
Ruby May 22nd 2009 at 06:31 am 30
I did consider this as a possibility after I posted. But I wonder if the hurt her friend feels is really just guilt? Who cares about his pain or guilt at this point anyway?
Guilty until proven innocent?
What about G.D.’s pain?
GD wrote in and she has been getting advice so nobody is dismissing her.
And yes, she has brought this on herself,
Exactly. Its called being an adult and accepting responsibility for your decisions. She entered the relationship of her own free knowing up front that it was an FWB relationship. Nobody lied to her. She also chose to stay in the relationship after she found herself developing feelings for her friend. She didn’t tell her friend about her feelings either. She is an adult, she knowingly made a bad decision. While she deserves our sympathy as a fellow human being she is not a victim.
but I have trouble believing that he didn’t straight up take advantage of her feelings for him.
Why do you have trouble believing that? GD did not tell him her feelings. Do you have proof that he knew?
Lance says
Definitely agree, she’s just as complicit in this mess as the guy. Obviously, he had a girlfriend for a significant amount of time leading up to the marriage proposal, which means GD and her were having a full blown, long term affair. She needs to start over.
It’s also worth mentioning, the guy probably shouldn’t get married!!
Lance´s last blog post…Vegas Memorial Weekend Sextacular: Preview
starthrower68 says
The problem is, we’re analyzing the guy and he is incidental at this point. It’s about GD being able to move on and heal and the only way she can do that is by making a clean break. All of the “is he this” or “he did this” doesn’t matter at this point. If GD feels she has been wronged, the best thing FOR HER is to let go of the perceived offense. Forgiveness is so WE can be set free.
searchingwithin says
In my opinion:
I believe the only clueless one here is the fiance.
This is the problem with FWB arrangements, there is not enough honesty with yourself, or each other.
and,
If she remains friends she will waste more of her time holding out for hoping something will happen between this guy and his future wife. Until she has healed, she needs to stay away from him completely, so she can move on to hopefully a healthy relationship.
and as Evan said;
“I hope you won’t accept another friends-with-benefits arrangement ever again.”
searchingwithin´s last blog post…What’s Emotional Maturity, Needs and Denial Got To Do With It?
Steve says
@starthrower, post #32
Honestly, I brought up my points about GD’s FWB because I was disgusted by the sexism of some of the comments.
However, I think it is a useful discussion for GD. I’m not an expert, but I think it will help her heal and I think it will help her avoid hurting herself again if she doesn’t view herself as a victim.
Curly Girl says
Steve: One person’s s*xism is another person’s “great insight into the opposite s*x.” Haven’t you ever noticed that when people start talking about dating that all sorts of strange generalizations start passing as fact? All unsubstantiated, of course. Women get attached through physical intimacy (implying that men don’t). Men are visual when choosing a partner (implying that women aren’t). Men are predatory. Women are gold-diggers. Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah. And then everyone starts tossing around the bad science and it just all unravels from there.
And still, despite the very negative generalizations that people toss around about the opposite gender, everyone wants to get into a “relationship” with one of those folks from the dark side. Humorous, right?
Ruby says
G.D. dismissed her own feelings, and her friend in turn, did the same. He should be considering G.D.’s pain (and respect her need for space), because if he wasn’t aware of her feelings before, he knows now. As already mentioned, he also has a fiance who probably didn’t know anything about the situation. G.D. needs to get free and clear in order to move on with her life.
starthrower68 says
Steve,
Perhaps the discussion is about FWB is useful from the standpoint of G.D. denying her wants and needs thinking that if she were quiet enough, loved him enough, were good enough in bed, etc., that he might come around. Fact of the matter is, a woman can never make or persuade a man to want her above all others and commit to her forsaking all others. We live in a world where if it feels good we do it or we act based on emotions. I’ve done this too, and once I learned to be involved with someone based on my values, life started going much more smoothly.
starthrower68 says
Tp add a small caveat, one of the things Evan says is that people do what they want to do, which is sounds like FWB did. I’m not making a judgement on his character either way. What I am saying is that GD has seen this is not the right thing to do, he chose how he chose and now she needs to focus on her healing.
delicia says
@ Lance post #34 – I completely agree about the guy’s readiness for marriage. Although we don’t have the full story and timing of events, if this guy was FWB’ing with G.D. while at the same time dating/pursuing the fiancee who “finally” accepted his proposal, then it doesn’t sound like they were exclusively dating while he was hooking up with G.D. Makes me wonder how much he is actually in love with the fiancee vs. the idea of her and the challenge/chase he had to engage in to win her over vs. if they are truly compatible and have the maturity it takes to make a relationship work for the long haul. I guess only time will tell. I wish the best of luck to all involved.
Angela says
Ju Ju I disagree. There were times in my life where I just wanted FWB. It really only works if both people are on the same page. In my case I was not in a realtionship and wanted good sex on a regular bases. Found a younger guy that felt the same and for 6 months it worked. The sex was great and we had fun. Althought I genuinely cared for him as a person, I really had no illusion about us having a real relationship. We got along great and when one us found someone we really liked (which was the agreement) the sex ended.
Often though, One person really cares for the other and accepts less in the absence of not having anything. Thats why it doesn ‘t work. Sounds like the case here. Also. seems like he was cheating on his soon to be wife and wants to continue, which makes him not really worth pinning over.
Michael says
This is sad. I suspect in many of these FWB arrangements one person does feel more and continues on hoping the other will come around and realize it’s more than just booty call after all.
This could happen in FWOB arrangements as well.
Michelle says
It seems unreal, reading this letter, that a woman could let herself be involved in such an unhealthy relationship – for 5 years!!!
I’m no expert, but there must be deeper issues about GD than she’d care to admit – for one, self-esteem. Please don’t feel hurt by my saying this, GD. I’ve been in your shoes before. I totally empathize with you – it’s easy for a woman start weaving a “fantasy” relationship and making sacrifices for a man once she’s developed feelings for him.
This is not the time to assign blame on the guy. You have to start owning your responsibility for the mess that you’re in – meaning, you have to stop asking questions that don’t really matter: Does he care for me as a friend? was he using me? etc – BECAUSE the answers don’t change anything : he’s stilling marrying another girl and you’re still ALONE. The ONLY question you need to ask yourself are: How can I become a happy and fulfilled human being? I can tell that you’re incredibly unhappy. If this way of living is not bringing you smiles and joy, you need to shift gear.
FIVE years is a long time. You don’t have a lot of 5-years to waste on a man.
Curly Girl says
I don’t know why everyone is being so hard on the guy. He knew what he wanted in a relationship, he went after it, and when he was rejected or put on hold or whatever by the woman who became the fiancee, he stuck it out and somehow persuaded her that he was the one for her. When she came around he ended his casual sexual relationships. He didn’t hide his feelings from the FB, she hid her feelings from him. We have no evidence that he lied to anyone, and we have no evidence that he cheated on the soon-to-be fiancee. As a matter of fact, that would be a thing G.D. probably would have mentioned had he done it (“He was dating her with intent to marry but sleeping with me! Doesn’t that mean he has feelings for me?”) It could be that he had an unrequited love and was honest with everyone about it and it worked out, and G.D. had an unrequited love and wasn’t honest about it and it didn’t work out. Maybe if she’d have told him how she felt from the start he would have stopped pining for the woman who wasn’t into him (until after unremitting pursuit) and fallen for G.D. instead.
delicia says
The guy is pretty much irrelevant at this point. As Jennifer, Lexy, and others said, it is now all about GD and her healing process so she can get back on track with her life and re-gain control of her emotions and self-esteem. Whether this guy is a total d-bag or the nicest guy in the world, what’s undebate-able in my opinion is that she will be able to move on with her life much faster if she cuts off contact with him. Maybe someday down the road they can be friends but right now she just needs to move forward.
Sam says
I admit that an ex-girlfriend of mine is my best friend and an off-an-on (currently off) FWB.
I don’t think being FWB is inherently a bad thing provided there’s a lot of honesty involved. At least it’s sex with someone who is safe, who cares about you, and will call you in the morning.
kiara says
yeah i agree with this… im into this as well…
Michael says
At least it’s sex with someone who is safe, who cares about you, and will call you in the morning.
That is what the “F” stands for.
delicia says
Sam, out of curiosity, if your ex is your best friend AND you guys have a physical attraction towards each other, why aren’t you together?? Emotional and physical connection – that’s the holy grail! 🙂
Sam says
Delicia,
There are a few reasons that my best friend/FWB and I are not married.
1. My best friend/FWB does not want to have children and I completely want them.
2. When we were a conventional couple we also argued a lot, which is not something that happens to me in most of my relationships. Even as FWBs we argue about things.
3. I would like to be with someone who is better educated, has a better job, and more mature.
I will say this, being FWB is not necessarily something that entirely benefits the man. My FWB is always the one who decides what we do and when.
Angela says
Sam,
So the sex must be good then?
Angela says
My experience with FWB was not with an ex. I think that having it with an ex could complicate things. For me it was a mutual situation where neither party wanted a serious relationship with the other but yet there was a strong physical attraction, and we had fun.Over time there was a development of feelings. I think people try to make FWB something it is not. It’s a bit more than a booty call, IMO. and only time makes it that.
delicia says
Sam, thanks for the reply…. hmmm, interesting, I guess your situation is a (rare) example of FWB actually working. Good for you and I wish you (and your FWB) all the best!
vlh says
Why didn’t G.D. keep her options open and date other men? At first sign of any inconsistency, or unreliability, in a partner, you should post a profile on a dating site, or at least a personal ad someplace, and line up dates with men who have a bit more potential. I always have at least one in reserve, in case Mr. Now flakes out and becomes a liability.
lets says
I have tendencies to be like G.D., to offer all of myself to a guy that I have feelings for and patiently hoping that he would someday realize how fortunate he is to have me and love me as much as I love him in return. Martyr effect. True that a “positive” result can happen but I kind of knew that the percentage is ????? Please don’t allow him to use and hurt you any further. Two years is more than enough. If this person had conscience and is a “FRIEND”, he shouldn’t have allowed this to happen in the first place. He knew that he had no love for you. Respect and love yourself more because you deserve it 🙂
lets says
Hey Michael…comment #47….loved it….thumbs up…lol
Nelly says
I recently went through this myself. Much worse though. It was a guy i knew for 15 years. Good freindf for 7 years. We went to high schhol, college, worked together, travelled together, the whole nine. I thought i knew everything about him, i even knew about his girfriends. Over the years when i was living my life he got closer to a girl who was freinds with his sister who passed away. He started cheating with her on his girlfreind at the time. Fast forwrd to 2007. We got up one evening and that changed things. He askled me to hang out with him. We traveled to foreighn land together, had great sex. He told me before it all happened he loved me as a friend. Afterwards he said he loved me. I thought he did. Zoom forward…we fought all year over this girl who he said ” was a freind of the family” and “would not move on” from the previous situation. He has had a girlfriend after her. I thought he was single as he said. Well his grandfatehr passed and i attended the funeral. 10 girls were there, including her. WE talked and got the scoop on hiom. He stood up for the girl’s honor and totally dissed me. 2 girld fought him at the funeral after he disrespected them. The “girlfreimnd” looked ion, and is still with him after learning so so so much of his infidelity. I feel like a huge fool. I knew better. I thought i could have him becase of our history and his persistance, our freinds thought he liked me too. He used to show my picture to girls and say this is who i really wanna be with…yeah right…
Gina says
FWB is a stupid invention for an old scam. There is nothing honorable about being someone’s “friend” while they are online looking for a real deal!
I read all the posts and SO TRUE, if you’ve been in a FWB situation like that and find out later that he was not divorced, STILL MARRIED to his “ex” you do feel betrayed and stupid. Really, yoiu only went on the facts he gave you and they were not true! What a total cluster f$ck and for too many years in my case. In a profound moment, he said, “So, I guess you know me better than I do!” when I was puttiing together the pieces of the puzzle. What a waste of time and energy trying to figure out WHY his “ex” was still on thier property tax roll…but hey, it’s public information and if you have to investigate, DO IT. Absolutely. And this is a bullet dodged, people. I should be doing flips down my driveway in happiness that I AM FREE to pursue something of worth for myself. You are right, once you KNOW, then move ON. He/It won’t change. He’ll find another idiot. Happily, I have met some very different types of men (like normal, not selfish) who also enjoy my company, and one particular One, So, it is better already. G, Kiss off the fantasy ASAP…he’s toxic.
Elizabeth says
I have a similar experience but we started seeing each other for almost 2 months. He did tell me that he didn’t want a girlfriend at that time but what confused me was he got a girlfriend just weeks after! He met this girl around the same time as he met me but ours obviously didn’t work out. After a few months, we started this FWB relationship and it has lasted over 4 years. At the same time, he’s still with that girlfriend while cheating on her with me. If he’s so serious about her, why is he “cheating?” And since they’ve been dating that long, likely they’ll get married. I don’t get men’s mindsets. I do however admit I’m shameless for knowingly doing this and stupid for hoping he has feelings for me (he knows I do).
But during these years, no matter how active I am in meeting guys and online dating, nothing has ever worked out and not many men find me attractive or ask me out. I don’t have a self-esteem problem and I’m confident I’m attractive, I honestly don’t know what’s my problem. Anyway, I let this go on and on as I need my physical needs fulfilled and don’t care if I have to be self-fish for it.
judy says
Did the poster really not know that he had a girlfriend? Perhaps that girlfriend was not sleeping with the man, hence the FWB.
I don’t think much of the guy’s behaviour and in that situation, if he asked me to stay friends, I’d decline.
He sounds like the kind of person who would like to continue to have FWB, or ego stroking. Either way, she should just move on, and perhaps reconsider what FWB actually means.
To be clear, it means no strings attached, no love attached, no marriage attached. I just get to shag a woman I have friendly feelings for. Full stop.
Angels says
That’s a pityful life you have right there my honey. I’m twenty four and i never encounter friends with benefit. I nearly fall for it , so i cut it off and never ever see this person ever again. He got a no contact order against me for a time period im okay with that , a quicker way for me to move on easy to follow. There were no penal codes saying i need to stay within a feet amount apart. Some what girls build up your self esteem. Those boys who said boys and girls can’t be friends is right. Boys can lose there homos and will encounter these type of problems. If you ladies are strong enough to only meet men to hangout with when your ready for the next step is better. If your only planning to meet boys for friends its going to be tough . I think this is why girls encounter fwb easily due to that reason. Its cool to be friends with boys, but whats wrong with having just friends who are girls.
KB says
I just went through this. Five years, I was this person’s friend with benefits. I stupidly agreed to it at first then caught feelings & found it very difficult to leave because he was nice and sweet, wasn’t disrespectful, there for me…..a friend. I told him on several occasions that I wanted more & he would tell me he is “too busy for a relationship right now” or “he isn’t ready”. Then he would back off, I start thinking he is seeing someone else so I back off only for him to come back & me stupidly allowing him only to go through the same thing. Until a year ago & I seen a pic of a girl that he claimed was just a friend at a relative’s Christmas party so I blew up at him. He claimed all these years he didn’t know how I felt even though I told him several times. Finally, we went on a trip together for the first time & he wouldn’t let me take a pic of the two of us together so I again blew up. After the trip, he started to back off. His texts became less frequent, he stopped asking me to come over. That went on for the last month until I decided to “stalk” him & road past his house early in the morning to find the same girl’s car so I questioned him & he told me that the trip made him realize we weren’t “compatible” so he wanted to just talk to me as “friends”. Right after that text I changed my number & blocked him from my Facebook page. He has strung me along for all this time knowing that we were never compatible but I was so in love that I too stupid to leave him alone & stop letting him come back. He told me the same things G.D.’s friend told her…..”we will always be friends”, “I will not stop talking to you”, “even if you get married we will still be friends”, blah blah. Run far away from him. If he played with you all this time, he isn’t a true friend & why would you want to be with a man who says “marriage is no big deal”? It will hurt! Believe me, I’ve been crying all day & crying over the last 5 years but you have to let it go. CUT OFF ALL CONTACT & good luck to you!
lily says
it seems to me that if you are FWB that you don’t allow yourself to fall in love with your friend. It is what it is, folks. It is not love. If you can be FWB without falling in love, it will go a lot better for you.
Tia says
the late Maya Angelou put it very succinctly, ” when someone tells you who they are, believe them”
he let her know years ago that it wouldn’t go further, yet she clung to the thin vein of hope that
perhaps one day because of the sex and perceived friendship they shared he’d come around. that rarely
happens. these kind of relationships seem to havebecome the norm these days, but there usually seems
to be someone going terribly unfulfilled in them.
Brenda says
Had a similar experience but only emotionally since there was no sex and just an online friend, or so he made out to be anyhow.
But you know friends don’t hide nor play hide and seek games, feel okay to talk about themselves and are fine to have you as an “Emotional tampon” and yet ODDLY enough can never return the favor.
There are some selfish people that love love love to be admired and have friends longing for them knowing fully well how you feel, and would still just LOVE to make sure your around to SEE you in pain and still say your a Pal, rub all there sex crap in your face, and cry how someone is breaking their hearts knowing they broke yours, and a LOT more.
I cannot COUNT the times now I have ONLY seen men LOVE someone once they LEAVE them, and ME included – and I cannot tell you how utterly tired I am and will NEVER allow it again, Enough pain, Enough anger – Enough total BS and lack of respect will make you finally NEVER settle for less ever again, sometimes these things happen and pain happens to ensure that is doesn’t happen again, and that may make me a few enemies for NOT wanting to be second place or third place but guess what? Your liked whole LOT less when you allow it that is for sure, and never get to EXPERIENCE something else either.
Sure many would LOVE you to stay right where YOU are sometimes too becasue hell, You might actually DO better in relationships once your fully AWAY from their sh*t!!
danielle lowe says
hi was seeing my best male friend going for drinks and enjoying life when he asks me fwb but only no sex only I go down on him next to find out he got married I hated him for it and didn’t speak to him for 8months now his back wanting more fwb his benefits
Jane says
I have been there, it is so hard to cut off someone that you have developed feelings for. Especially, if they do not want to respect your effort to leave them alone. It’s truly sad when a man would rather string a girl along than to let her go so that she can find someone who appreciates her and desires a real relationship. Guys can be very manipulative and sex just further complicates things. Emotions have a way of getting involved whether you intend for them to or not. This guy is definitely trying to play both sides and act stupid about not understanding why you don’t want to stick around for this BS. I think you would make a good loyal woman for the right man.
Karmic Equation says
But women are not helpless. Regardless of whether a man is manipulative or not, a woman HAS TO look after her own best interests and make the hard decisions independent of his actions.
She’s going to feel hurt whether he wants to “just be friends” or if she cuts off ALL contact. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no social media.
She needs to decide WHICH will hurt her MORE — IN THE LONG RUN. Or to phrase it more positively, which decision will HELP her more in the long run.
My vote is that while CUTTING OFF all contact now will feel like it’s killing her, she’s going to survive. And actually, if he really cares about her, will also hurt him too. Which I think is GOOD thing. Pain may make him re-evaluate.
The RISK (and her unspoken fear) is that IF she cuts off all contact and it DOESN’T pain him, that will be a big blow to her ego/heart/dreams what have you.
It’s the chance she has to take.
“That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” — Cutting off all contact WON’T kill her AND will DEFINITELY make her stronger. If you can survive this kind of pain, you can survive anything. Been there, done that.
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be.” — I can tell you that I did exactly this when I fell deeply in love in my college. I cut off all contact when he made it clear to me I wasn’t who he wanted in the long run. A year later we reconnected and he is my best friend today, my rock, my confidant. I know he regrets he never gave us a chance. However, our love remains. Just not exactly in the romantic way I had wanted it. And I believe it is more beautiful and profound than it could have been had we become romantically involved.
God does work in mysterious ways. Have faith. If you’re a good person, good will happen in your life, but not always in the way you hoped or planned.
N says
As the other poster wrote, you are the advocate of yourself. Break-up/divorce is not easy. But if you endure the acute pain as opposed to staying in unhealthy relationship, you’d be better off in the long run.
My beau and I celebrated our first year anniversary recently. Going back 14 months ago post break-up with my then BF I never would have thought I would be this wiser, content and happy. I vividly remember how hard it was to completely severe my previous co-dependent relationship. What made it easier was the gift of self-awareness. When I started looking at ME (the common denominator) and the part I played in all my relationships I knew something needs to happen.
It didn’t change the fact that moving on was not an easy feat. The thought of totally no contact was paralyzing back then. I had to stay objective and look at the bigger picture and think long term. On not so good days post break-up I put on more miles on my running shoes, pedaled my bike faster and longer, took my kayak out and paddled hours on end, reached out to my friends, volunteer etc good healthy activities. Until one day you don’t hurt as much. And if it is in the cards you may meet a man that has your best interest at heart. Either way, you’d be in better place. 🙂 Nic
shelly says
Well sounds like youve finally made the right choice to cut it off. Clearly you were his his back pocket chick aka fwb. These situations never work. You can have a fling, but if friendship is involved then its asking for a broken heart. I was messing around with a younger guy, wasn’t my plan to fall for him but i started to and he clearly told me no commitment (a little too late). I chose to cut it off. Men can do this better than women. 2 years? Guys here justify the behavior by saying “we were upfront” while they know the woman has feelings for them regardless. Its just not worth the heartache..moreover, the damaging effects to ones ego. Wondering why he chose another woman and not you. Always put yourself first. If rather cry for a month, maybe miss him but not waste time we dont have. Good luck to you and i hope you don’t consider being kept as his mistress. Find someone who is loyal and wants you 100 percent not half as8ed.
C.O. says
Just move on… go out, meet new people, get another fb then bf… just LIVE!
Cynthia says
What about the turkey who won’t discuss what is happening to clarify what sort of relationship
it is. He wants FWB and is so slippy he knows all the moves to keep you confused and keep
using you, and hurting your self esteem. Even removing the condom behind your back then
MIA. Too gutless to answer /own up to what he has done. Thank God for Emergency
contraception. Bad news and police reluctant to do anything.
Leah says
My story is almost identical! Except he told me he didnt want to be in a relationship with me or with Anybody! So I went with the “Flow” I had my fck buddy and it was all good until he started inviting me out, meeting his family, going on road trips. I started to fall in love with him.He also lived with me until I put him out for having some woman show up at my door! I backed off but everytime he pulled me back. I thought we were best friends and we had amazing passionate sex!! We did everthing together! Everything! When I put him out in January, he became distant, blocked me from social media and on his birthday in April 2016 he announced he was in a relationship. (Crushed my heart) Now we’re in August and he proposed to the girl two weeks after he spent the night with me. For 4 years this man was with me n I had no idea he had a relationship on the side. Im so hurt but God is walking me through day by day. I still love him but ive totally cut off all contact
francis says
i got a friend since college we are fuck buddies but she is amazing she never get attached. she got married 2 years ago and im engaged but everytime that we saw each other we are cool and no problems at all sometimes we still have sex together, but she never put string to be attached its just sex amazing sex, you need to remember this, he just dont want to loose the friendship like i had with my friend. we knew each other like 8 years now.
Marie says
The same thing happened to me just recently. I had been sleeping with a man for 4.5 years straight…weekly. He told me that there was someone, but as long as he’s not married, I felt there was still a chance. I’ve told that man over and over how much in love I was with him. He knew how I felt. He NEVER told me that he was engaged to the woman. Had he told me, I would’ve walked away. I found out 6 days before he got married that he was getting married. He didn’t tell me that either. I found out because someone mentioned a site to me that you can use to find bridal registries. I thought I’d put his name in it just for the hell of it and low and behold their names popped up! My heart stopped. I asked him if it were true, he said that he wasn’t sure. I said how could you not, you’re scheduled to get married this Saturday. I was furious. I told him that now was not the time to keep secrets or to be evasive. It’s out now. Tell me the truth. He said yes. I asked him why didn’t he tell me. He said it was because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. How wrong is that? He should’ve stopped seeing me when he got engaged! He should’ve had the decency to tell me so that I could make the decision to continue seeing him or not. I would’ve walked away. I’m so angry! I really believe that he was NEVER going to tell me and continue having sex with me. I feel that I have a right to be angry and hurt. Yes, I do know that I shouldn’t have let it go on for so long, but he let me continue on hope. He knew I loved him. I’m hurt, but I’m so happy that I’m not in her shoes. He cheated on her throughout their WHOLE engagement. There’s no way I’d want to marry someone like that. So, I’m just going to cry until I can’t cry anymore and thank God for not letting me be on the other end.
Kay says
Marie ,
After I got divorced I entered a sexual relationship with a guy over 4 years. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and was still hurt from my marriage breakup . The guy suddenly broke it off with me and disappeared for 6 months . Then he came back .I found out he had got married in that 6 months. He has tried to come back to me for the last few years.
I just think learn from your experience. Take responsibility that you didn’t want to see what was obvious now looking back. Don’t beat yourself up and don’t repeat this unbalanced relationship if thats not fulfilling.
Marie says
I have learned a valuable lesson, believe me.
Ophion says
I’m not going to be popular with my answer but here it goes.
OP got into a no strings attached sex based relationship with this man. He didn’t promise her a ring, no serious emotions, no faithfulness, just plain and enjoyable sex. She agreed to this willingly. So what motives did she have? Did she hope that he will develope feelings too? Did she think that he will be exclusive to her alone? On what basis? They call it FWB, booty call and fuck buddies for a reason. It is NOT a bad thing if you obey the rules. She broke the rules and should have ended the whole thing when she first developed feelings for him. Yes, he’s a cheater but it shouldn’t be OP’s problem. She got what she wanted: sex. He got what he wanted: a mistress.
The whole ”žI break contact because he has a fiancee” is hypocritical. He never promised her anything but sex, this is the whole point of the whole FWB thing. If OP wants to blame someone it’s probably herself for deluding herself.
E says
I am so sorry this happened to you. The man I am in love with just proposed to his girlfriend today, only he told me 6 months ago he was getting back with her after we ended things. I was shocked, I was so in love with him that I couldn’t even bear the thought of him being with someone else. He cut me off pretty much right after we ended things, claiming we could stay friends, but never actually following through. I mean how could a friend who was once more than that comfort me over something HE did. He messaged me a month ago saying he missed me and how he wished things were different, and that was while he was still with his girlfriend. Now a month later he’s engaged to her, when he told me things ended sour between them the first time around and that’s why he never proposed. I guess when you really love someone, you’ll believed almost anything they tell you, and you’ll be sure not to question them in case you lose them. And it’s later on that you realise how silly you were for letting a liar like that into your life. I’ve spent most of tonight bawling my eyes out, but I know in my heart I will always love him. And I just have to wish him the best and let go. I hope you can do the same.
Nat says
Don’t love him anymore. Why should u? U are right–just wish him well and let go. Cut him out of your life as much as possible and never initiate contact with him again. I suspect he was getting an ego trip out of having 2 women love him. Whatever, perhaps he and his fiancée are really meant to be.
After u cut him off, then u can heal. Btw I’m sure uve experienced being sad about a breakup, then some time later, realising u were in a better rship than before and being carefree again! The day will come (likely sooner than u expected) that u realise he hasn’t crossed your mind in quite a long time, and that ure so over him. 🙂
Cassie says
I just found myself in a similar situation. The man I’d been having sex with for four years got married this weekend. No, I was not “in love” with him, nor was I under the impression that we were in a “relationship” or would ever have one, as we had no common interests other than sex. What hurt me was the fact that he never informed me he had a (serious) girlfriend, let alone a fiance. I accidentally found out a week before his wedding. I asked why he didn’t feel that I deserved to know, and he spouted off some mindless dribble about being selfish and weak. I had no response for him. A few hours later, he asked me not to contact his fiance, however I already had. Not to break up their wedding, but because I felt she should know he’d been cheating on her up until a week before her wedding (and from his responses to me, there may have been more women besides her and me, which repulsed me). She told me I was desperate and she loved him and she would pray for me. I had no further response for her, either. Why would I be desperate over a man who’d been cheating on his fiance for years? Sure, I assumed he was dating other women, but there’s a big difference between casual dating and being engaged to someone. Had he told me, I would have ended our situation, but he hadn’t, and there was no way I was going to let him get away with involving me in his little games. They got married anyway, and she boasts about marrying “the love of her life”, but unless she monitors his actions 24/7, he will more than likely find someone else to explore his sexual fantasies with.
Ouaiba says
Ditch that guy in the rubbish bin like a paper ball. Start afresh in life, move on, start dating other guys and be choosy. Don’t waste your time with that type of losers. Meet someone who will treat you like a princess. Don’t start complicating your life with that horrible experience. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you are a gem…
Lauren says
Yes you should end the friendship right away as the person said in her reply to your email this guy is indeed selfish he needs to except that you two never were and never will be just friends he needs to get over himself
Golfer says
I too went through this that recently and I am miserable. I know why VanGogh cut off his ear it hurts so bad. The woman is getting married to some guy she knew 12 years ago. In spite of me being very comfortable financially, normal, settled in, etc.
Crystal Yurisich says
I would go to the wedding and when they priest ask if anyone opposes I would say me. Then Reply how could you marry her after the last two years we been having sex … Then say its…fine she can have you…you say I realized i was number one…sorry sweety your second best…good luck having a husband who been cheating with the other girl…and then walk away head up no regrets …he is using you….men like having the other woman…around…
Kyna Thomas says
Sad to say that this has happened to me also. You should look up Narcissist and Codependent dance. It REALLY helped me get a better understanding of myself and him. I also went into therapy. God bless you Dear.
Maureen says
News flash, my boyfriend with whom I have been staying with for two years left me for a week to go to his wedding with his baby momma . The shocking thing is he wants us to continue living together like nothing ever happened . Coupled with this, he cheats and lies any given chance. The guy abuses me emotionally and keeps blaming me for everything wrong in his life. I love this guy so much every part of me hurts right now.
Kelly Rhodes says
I know how she feels. I was sleeping with a prominent figure and he told me about this other women after a couple of times (11) of sex with him, but I kept sleeping with him in hopes he would want me more. During our pillow talk, he would speak of this women..lol He did and of marrying her, which he casually mentioned. He playfully said he was getting married. I was hurt and still hurting. But all in all, I let this happen I should have stopped this, but I didn’t. I told him we can’t be friends and he got afraid I would tell. In essence, I let my heart lead in this situation. In the end, he told me don’t sell myself short. Laughable moment, because I did sell myself short to him. Dealt with this alone.
kiara says
ohh i love this… I also have a fuck bud of 16 years now, met him when i was in college and he was working, he has a girlfriend then i was not i a relationship. been communicating and been doing that thing. i soon got into a relationship and we were good. few years later he said that he will marry his longtime girlfriend. i was okay… its not a problem… yeah i liked him a lot… but up to that only… so we are on our 16th year now and yes we are doing it still even if we were both married..