I’m a 40-Year Old Man Who Has Never Had A Girlfriend Or Sex.
First off, I'm glad to have found your site. Your advice is thoughtful and reasonable, unlike many others out there. Suffice to say, you've given me a lot to think about. So here's my situation. This year, I will turn 40. Despite my attempts since I went to college, I am still a virgin. Yes, I've seen the movie, and I won't lie: I'm afraid of becoming the archetype of that fictional character.
Over the years, I've learnt---albeit slowly, it seems---about many mistakes I've been doing. Not paying attention to women's body language, not trying to go in for the first kiss, it's a long laundry list of things I go "Crap, I should have done that!".
But despite my efforts (and the assistance of friends over the years), I have never had a girlfriend or sex. As of recently, I try to find women between 25 and 42 years old. I've read a lot about what you've said about "Ineffective versus Effective" and "What I want in a woman versus what she wants about me", and I guess I'm still a bit confused. I think that my situation (and that of other virgins in my predicament) is a little different in some ways, but also the same in others when it comes to relationships, sex, et cetera. I am an only child, and my parents are kind of old fashioned and raised me as such. I don't usually try to go for/get a kiss on the first date, and I don't try to force sex to happen right away.
Friends and coworkers alike have given me a huge span of advice and suggestions, from "sowing my oats" with a professional escort/hooking up with an "easy" college girl, to being persistent and trying to find that "special one".
Eventually, I want to buy one or several of your products, but anything constructive you can offer me would be highly appreciated.
Thanks,
Mo
Dear Mo,
As a dating coach for women, I rarely run letters from men. But maybe I should do it a little more, considering that 54% of my readers (according to Google Analytics) are actually men. And if you’ve been reading for a while, Mo, you know that I do two things with each reader question:
- 10% of the time, I’ll provide validation that the reader is 100% correct in her assessment of things. That generally means saying something like, “He’s a jerk. Dump him. Move on.” The problem with these questions is that they’re boring. There’s only so many ways to say, “You’re right!” which make for a boring advice column. Which is why most of my advice veers towards…
- 90% of the time, I’ll let you know what you’re doing/thinking/believing that is not getting you results. Either that means shining the light into a blind spot and giving you an idea of what you can’t see, or it’s telling you how to conduct yourself differently to get different results.
In your situation, I have a feeling you already know everything you have to do. You’re just not doing it.
I have a feeling you already know everything you have to do. You’re just not doing it.
That makes giving unique advice a little bit tricky, you know?
Now, I’ve written about this stuff before.
I’ve talked about how passionate, competent guys get the girl.
I’ve talked about how nice guys (with balls) finish first.
I’ve talked about how women should value nice guys a little more.
But it doesn’t really matter what I say. Telling women to value nice guys more is like telling men to value older, heavier women more. People want what people want. At the end of the day, we all have two choices: stay exactly as we are right now and wait until we find someone who appreciates us, or adjust who we are to become appealing to more people.
You’ve had a lot of time to think about this, my friend. You’ve gone over the laundry list of things you could have done differently over the years. You may have valid excuses in how you were raised, but it really doesn’t matter if you were raised old-fashioned. You’ve been on your own for 20 years now.
So what constructive advice can I offer you? Should you lose your virginity with a pro just to get it over with? Should you hold out for someone special? I would suggest no to both options.
In fact, the biggest problem you have surrounding sex is that you’re making WAY too big a deal about it. Apart from the fact that sex can create babies, in 99% of cases, it’s just a fun thing that people do when they’re attracted to each other. By not carrying yourself with confidence, not asking out more women, not making the first move, not pushing to go further, and not seeing yourself as a sexual being, you’ve projected yourself to women as safe and asexual as well. It’s time to reboot and start from scratch.
We all have two choices: stay exactly as we are right now and wait until we find someone who appreciates us, or adjust who we are to become appealing to more people.
You don’t need to have sex tomorrow.
You don’t need to have sex with someone you love.
You need to make up for lost time and catch up with what everyone else was doing from 14-21.
I rarely plug my own products on here, but you should begin with Finding the One Online, my online dating audio series. It’s much easier and more accessible (for nice guys) than going to pubs to hit on hot 27-year-olds. Despite the sales page being written for women, Finding the One Online is actually a unisex product, created in 2008 for both men AND women. It’s helped thousands of people choose a dating site, write better profiles, post better photos, understand the opposite sex, and learn to move from email to the phone to the real life date.
Instead of skipping steps and worrying about getting naked with someone, you just need the experience of being around women, learning to act on your attraction, and demystifying this sex thing that you’ve built up in your mind. One step at a time. Go on a bunch of dates. Build up your dating skills. Get more confidence. And when it’s time for you to have sex, you’ll be as ready as any man ever was.
Take a number bro, women are fighting for the “top dog”.
LMAO.
Very true:)
That’s accurate.
When I was in my mid-20s, I thought that I’d never ever meet a woman who would go out with a self-proclaimed nerd who liked playing video games and writing about them for a living. But I did eventually meet someone and now, I’m happily married with a daughter along the way.
My wife wasn’t the first person I had asked to go out with. In the past, I had asked out other women but they didn’t reciprocate my feelings. When I was 28, I finally had my first girlfriend but the relationship only lasted a few months. However, that brief courtship did teach me some important lessons about the importance of compatibility. So a few months later, I rekindled a friendship with a woman who shared my interests. She would later become my wife two years later.
I once asked my wife why she had agreed to go out with me and she said that she liked how I had asked her out instead of beating around the bush. She confessed to being a little old-fashioned, so she wanted me to make the first move (I confessed to her in person on Valentine’s Day). Plus we got along with each other pretty well and shared the same values. Also, I was apparently her type. 😉
Speaking as someone who only lost his virginity after marriage at the age of 30, I can honestly say that sex is (as you may have heard from countless others) quite overrated. Yes, it’s a great experience when you do it with someone you love and cherish, but the first time is always crap. My wife is more religious than I am, so she wanted to wait until marriage before we actually had sex. For me, I didn’t mind waiting until we were married. But we did engage in heavy petting during our relationship, which only took place after several months of courtship.
Since both me and my wife were both virgins, our expectations for our very first sexual intercourse were ridiculously high. We didn’t know how to please each other right, and we were also a little bit scared. So our first time ended with both of us tired at the end of the session, neither party able to orgasm. But once we became more comfortable with each other’s bodies and threw away our unreasonable expectations, we started to enjoy sex. There are good days (we get to both experience orgasms) and bad days (I’m too tired to ejaculate, or she’s not wet enough and sex is starting to hurt for her). Even when we don’t orgasm during sex, we still cuddle and enjoy each other’s presence.
So go out and meet other people. Have fun. Don’t think of sex or marriage as the end goal. Like Evan said, when you finally meet someone whom you’re comfortable to have sex with, you’ll be ready.
Anonymous,
You’ve described exactly the kind of experience I’m hoping to have with my own courtship and marriage (when they eventually happen). I differ from you only in that I know that the first time will be very awkward, probably a bit painful for me and not very pleasurable for either of us. Regardless, I hope things turn out for me exactly the way you’ve described. I couldn’t wish for a better outcome than to have a loving partner who is willing to wait and loves me enough that he might actually want to wait as well.
Your experience really comforts me. I’m in the exact position you were before you had your first girlfriend. I’m 27 and I have tryed so much, but haven’t had neither a relationship nor even sex.
Is really good to know that somebody has felt the same way I am right now, and the fact that you found a girl that is so compatible with you, gives me real hope.
Thanks for your story, I was really needing something like that.
I am a lot like you. I experienced almost all that you did.
1. About sex being overrated–I think thats the way people feel who are having sex regularly feel. After a while it’s not so special. If you go back to not having it, it again becomes a burning desire and a constant source of doubt that you are good enough.
2. Despite awkwardness even the first time was good for me, by the end.
3. I thought we had a pretty good marriage for some years, but when we became parents my wife devoted herself totally to being a mother, the marriage fell apart, and I’m basically back where I started but 20 years older. And the things she didn’t like about me were the same issues that kept me from women all along–depression manifesting as lack of confidence, self anger, lack of success at work. I think she overlooked them during the crazy in-love period but they came back to haunt me.
And the things she didn’t like about me were ss
finishing my earlier post–
But I made a mistake in thinking since we were married I could be totally open about my depression and self-hate. I would say “I’m so F—d up.” I should have maintained an image of being at least somewhat together.
4. About not knowing “how to do it”, both kissing, touching, and sex, relax. It came pretty naturally to me. It’s not hard.
Thnks for sharing your story. It is really sweet. I really liked it!!
If I may put my perception forward, the reason why your past relationships did not work and this one went well was that one line where you mentioend “I was apparantely her type.” You were apparantely the same person ealrier also, but all those women you met in the past were not of your type and the day you met some one of your type, love happened.
Buddy its all destiny. The lucky ones, some day, somewhere, somehow get to cross the path of each other, just because they were destined to meet! Many others who dont have it in their destiny keep wandering in search of true love!
I wish you and your lovely family all the happiness!!
You were 28 and not 40.
Aww, I think you sound blinking lovely! I don’t understand all this women liking alpha male stuff at all – a nice, shy, polite boy works for me every time and I cannot be the only woman who thinks this! No, I don’t want a wimpy, weak sap, but strength and conviction don’t have to go alongside being pushy, confident and promiscuous as lots of women seem to think.
Personally I’ve been on a few dates with people I mt online who have tried to kiss me on the first meeting and I just find that intrusive, desperate and unattractive. I bet if you could become close friends with a few women and then confide to them that you’re shy and a virgin, I bet at least one would find that endearing and attractive instead of a turn off.
Mind you, sex is extremely underwhelming at first – like snogging. I had expected all through my teen years to find my first snog a passionate, emotional rite of passage. Instead it was wet, wriggly and very physical rather than spiritual. Sex is similarly disappointing – you sort of get to like it for what it is after an initial massive disappointment, as opposed to it being some immensely spiritual, intense experience like you see on the films and wait for all your life. You know when you have that immense emotional connection with a person and are 100% in love with them? Well sometimes orgasms can almost feel ‘wrong’ with someone so special, because they’re such an immensely physical, sweaty, poky event! So good luck, enjoy it when it happens, but definitely keep your expectations low until you’ve learned to love it the way people learn to love waggling wet tongues with people!
@Katie,
…Personally I’ve been on a few dates with people I mt online who have tried to kiss me on the first meeting and I just find that intrusive, desperate and unattractive.
—-
When you found the kiss attempts innapropriate, was that after good first dates with good chemistry ? Do you differentiate between the types of kisses ? What about kisses on the cheeks or chaste pecks on the mouth ? My favorite type of kiss after a first date that went well, to me, is the chaste peck on the mouth. On the cheeks only seems lame and french kissing right after first date is too much for me.
I’ve been on many dates where the only thing that felt natural at the end of the evening was at most a peck on the cheek. That doesn’t actually bother me, as I’d the kind of guy who would much, much rather take things slow and I can’t really handle things going fast. As long as I’m not being rejected, slow is fine to me.
But there are exceptions to that and I experienced it recently.
I recently met a woman online and we hit it off in an extraordinary fashion. At the end of the date, we looked at each other and for the first time in years and years and years it just seemed to me obvious that I should go for a kiss on the mouth. Not a passionate one but on the mouth just the same. I looked at her and I doubted things for a moment and figured that she wanted to wait for next time for the kiss, so I left.
We met again and we did kiss for real that time. She told me that she was surprised that I didn’t just go for it the first time! She figured that I was just kind of goofy about these things so she wasn’t annoyed but she made it clear that she’d have been completely ready for a deep kiss right there and then not because she does this with every guy on a date but because we got along wonderfully and that made all the difference.
Evan, your advice to him was quite good. However, he may be sexually anorexic and relationship avoidant which he may want to seek out a SLAA group in his area for meetings. Or a sex therapist. He sounds as if he might have deep-seated issues surrounding sex and relationships. Dating advice has not helped and won’t until he addresses what is really keeping him sexless and uncoupled.
I want to wish him good luck.
I feel for you Mo.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family when it came to relationship. My parents were passionless, and I was sent to Catholic school (yes, taught by the nuns). Enough said.
I never had a real girlfriend and was a virgin until I was 25. I had much to learn but I did. Like most other things in life, it is up to you to set your destiny.
There are plenty of women out there who are good for “wham bam thank you mam”. For example, if some girlfriend wants to think she is as hot as all hot movie stars combined in Hollywood and asks (and expects) you to agree with her, tell her don’t short sell herself — Angelina Jolie is nothing compared to her. I would seize every opportunity to have sex with her until her neediness becomes unbearable. Then dump her and move on. I did plenty of that. I hear again and again from women who feel their life is so fulfilled and they are so special when men give them compliments that would make a sane person cringe. But to put it bluntly, you need to treat a dumb fuck like a dumb fuck.
Lest one thinks I am a male chauvinist pig and a misogynist, I married my ex-wife in my early thirties and the marriage lasted for twenty two years until we grew apart. She was very pretty and gorgeous but was sick of men being so full of shit to butter her up all the time. Needless to say I was not one of those with her. During the marriage I was 100% faithful physically, very gainfully employed and lived responsibly so that my ex-wife could be a stay-home mom to raised our two kids. We treated each other as equal. When we divorced we simply divided our assets equally with no regard to who worked inside or outside the home.
I guess for you Mo at your age you are probably beyond messing with the “wham bam thank you mam” bimbos. Making yourself attractive to a girlfriend of serious dating material is like a sales job. Understand to whom you are selling and develop a strategy accordingly. Good luck.
One more thing. I think Evan is to be commended for his work to coach women to become ones of serious dating material. But in doing so he also helps to deplete headcounts from the “wham bam thank you mam” pool. Some win and some lose.
“There are plenty of women out there who are good for “wham bam thank you mam”.
You are “male chauvinist pig and a misogynist” – just look what you wrote up there.
Well, Dina, he did stop short of calling women “selfish, lazy, and stupid”.
A few of them are, but I don’t get what your point is.
JD-Dina said in another post that she keeps running into men that are selfish, lazy and stupid (or something to that effect).
Chance, Thanks for the enlightenment. That would make Dina a female chauvinist sow and a misandrist, no? lol 🙂
Evan, I’m not sure how to report another poster you believe is abusive. But I think JD in LA fits the bill.
Can these posts be deleted? I find them rather hateful. I’ve come to expect this website to be female friendly in helping women. Not anti-female and making derogatory comments about us. Thanks for your consideration to this suggestions.
AllHeart, I delete posts that directly attack a specific person. If anyone’s post was attacking, it was Dina’s. My assistant approved it. I did not.
I will point out that you there is much more hatred of men on these boards than there is of women; you’ve just proven to be more sensitive to the comments about women. I am a dating coach for women and I agree that anti-female sentiments aren’t productive. But do you want me to start deleting every comment that is anti-male as well? If not, you probably have to deal with the fact that some people are going to say things that offend you. However know that any PERSONAL attacks will be policed as best I can.
Please don’t be that guy that only goes after ‘hot’ women. Go after the normal girls and you’ll have a better chance. Too many people are going after people out of their league. Stop chasing the good looking girls. There are plenty of attractive average women (like me). We are always getting overlooked by the ‘prettier’ girls but we are great catches.
Hi Paula,
Well, I might be interested in you actually. I don’t need a hot woman. Hot woman for me is someone that understands me and I understand her and we like being with each other. Nothing hotter than that.
Paula: I am confined to a wheelchair. I saw a woman this past June when I was at the supermarket across the street. She was not a 10. She was probably a 7. She was wearing a dress that was kind of a rainbow of colors print. She was at the register next to mine. By the time I had checked out what I had she was out the door. Afterwards I thought I should have set down my basket. Then gone out to the entryway and waited for her. Then I could use a pick-up line that involves me and the chair.
attractive @ average . now there’s an oxymoron
Attractive and average is possible, depending on where you live and depending on the age range of the women you’re talking about. I’m often surrounded by a student crowd and maybe I’m just not picky but I find the average female students around me reasonably attractive. I’ve been in regions and countries where that was not the case and only few of the women looked good. I’ve also been to a few places where the women seemed to be almost all very good looking.
That’s not always entirely true. I know an awful lot of women that are above-average in the looks department that get overlooked because men are too scared to talk to/ask them out or they assume they are already taken. I feel that “average” looking people often are the ones that always seem partnered up.
In case it isn’t obvious if a below average looked guy dared asked them out he’d be laughed at.
Mo, I share your pain. Makes one wonder if some things just aren’t meant to be.
Oh, I hate the “just not meant to be” comment. I’ll concede, being female and conforming to my society’s current body size standard, I am offered sex with irritating regularity. But even if it’s harder for men, I want to tell you it’s crazy to just drop it and go live like a hermit. First of all, if you don’t know from personal experience, yes, sex really is that good. You don’t want to miss out. And secondly, there are 3 billion heterosexual females on this planet – someone out there is going to want to be with you.
As Evan suggests, sexual confidence is pretty sexy, but if I like a guy, I’ll make the first move. I think the only personality trait that REALLY makes it impossible to find someone is if you won’t go out (online or bricks and mortar) where people can find you. So unless you WANT to go through life feeling like it just wasn’t meant to be, for God’s sake don’t give yourself permission to just give up – keep putting yourself out there!
Easier said than done, isn’t it…especially after years of trying and failing???
Rebecca:
One last thing. Deciding to no longer play a game one has no hope of winning is hardly giving up. So, how many rejections should a guy endure in the now unrealistic hope of just getting a date?
Certainly easier said than done, and I don’t mean to be flip about how painful repeated rejections are. I get it that I actually _don’t_ get it, and you have to make your own decisions about whether it’s worth it to you. What I want to say to you and other men who are feeling like “incels” is that I think you’re wrong about “no hope” and “unrealistic” because there are so many women with such completely different tastes. And I want to say that, in my experience, finally finding a relationship is so great that it’s actually worth the string of rejections along the way and the agonizing breakup that’s probably coming.
I’m saying this at the end of my own years-long drought. When my marriage ended, it was traumatic enough that I really thought I was done with dating – why put myself through that again? But I didn’t stop hanging out with people, both men and women, at NerdNite, at church, at volleyball, at work… About six years in to my little pity party, I was surprised to discover that I got butterflies in my stomach every time I chatted with one of my co-workers. I was still telling my divorce support group that I was never going to date again even as I was actively making excuses to be in his company. He was only marginally receptive, and I finally got the brush-off, which sucked, and I cried. But that made it possible for me, now seven years since my last relationship ended, to be at the start of a new relationship that’s actually mutual. And hopefully consummated in the very near future.
I’m just hoping you’ll hang in there for your own happy ending.
Don’t let the stigma of never having a girlfriend or sex keep you from retreating into your shell or making you feel awkward around girls. It doesn’t matter how old you are, or what experiences you’ve had in life. Everyone feels overwhelmed and intimidated by things at some time in their life, especially if things don’t come that easy. Stand tall and believe in yourself. You will find some nice girl, or someone you may already know, who you trust and open up too. Just let nature take its course. Good luck!
Its a stigma for a good reason.
I think there isn’t enough information to assume that this poster has some sort of psychosis or disorder. While they are very rare in this day and age, some people just don’t have sex or a significant other on the same timetable as everybody else, and it’s a disservice to jump to the conclusion there is something wrong with him because he hasn’t.
I agree with this to some extent. I don’t expect everyone to be married by age 30, far from it. However, he is 40 and not only has he not had sex, it seems like he’s having significant trouble connecting with women.
Since he says, “Over the years, I’ve learnt—albeit slowly, it seems—about many mistakes I’ve been doing. Not paying attention to women’s body language, not trying to go in for the first kiss, it’s a long laundry list of things I go “Crap, I should have done that!”, I wonder if he could have a disorder like Asperger Syndrome. Such people are usually quite intelligent, but can have problems in social situations because they have trouble reading social cues. Might be worth checking into. and I agree with Tracy (#4), that there could be other emotional issues that are keeping him from connecting with the opposite sex.
Or, maybe he’s just unlucky.
Or shy. Or on a different timeframe than most. Or had medical issues. Or any of a million different experiences that cause him to be on a different path than most, none of which them mean there is something wrong with him.
Did you know that less than 1 in 5000 men with aspbergrs has a successful marriage?
Sure he can have sex, but he wants to have sex with someone thats that actually likes him. If u are awkward as a male thos can be a problem…remember ladies for every guy that is a player there are 10 guys who haven’t had sex in 6 months or more. Men dont have sex thrown at them, we have to put forth alot of effort to make it happen.
Stop trying so hard! I’m an average looking guy and have zero problems attracting good-looking, interesting, nice women. The main thing is BE YOURSELF. Have confidence that you are special, you have worth and that there are girls out there that would be lucky to have you. Whatever you do don’t try and be something you’re not or suck up to them too much. Go to Nordstrom Rack and get some decent clothes that fit. Start lifting weights. you don’t need to be all muscle-bound but lifting will (a) give you confidence and (b) make you look healthy and fit. Oh, and did I mnetion BE YOURSELF AND STOP TRYING – women clue in on that and they immediately start heading the other way. I just enjoy meeting new people and if a woman isn’t interested, why force it? Just meet people (men and women) and if you are yourself, one (or many) will see your value and then you can start to pay them more attention. Good luck – I was in the same place and until I got the self-esteem and self-confidence, things didn’t change. Oh, and read all the stuff on Marc’s site 🙂
just being yourself is not quite it.
I’m actually good looking. I hold a decent job. I’m damn smart and if you heard me talk in some circumstances, you’d think that i was a super confident man in total control of himself. Yet here I am. I’m not an actual virgin but almost and it’s a terrifying secret to be hiding.
I think that I’m finally getting lucky. I met this girl who wants me at all costs! I want her too but damn does she want me! This means that she’s actually putting the effort into teaching me some stuff that I don’t know.
At some point I told her that I’m the knd of guy who always asks permission for everything. I ask if it’s ok to kiss. I ask if it’s ok to touch her body, etc. Instead of being turned off she told me that I should make an effort to stop asking permission and to figure out by myself when it’s welcome. And I will do that and I’m already learning! She is helping me be a better myself.
Hopefully the OP also meets someone who will give him a chance to better himself.
Not going to work.
While I agree with what Evan says about this guy likely coming off as asexual and “too nice”, I wholeheartedly disagree with the notion that sex is “just something fun that two people do when they’re attracted to each other”. Maybe that is how we’ve come to view it in this society. We’ve reduced it to merely something fun to do on the weekends, but I don’t agree. If you choose that viewpoint, you are likely going to be dissatisfied when you finally do start to “make up for lost time”. Could you learn to get better with women? Sure. Could you learn how to get women in the sack and have a different woman every night, thus getting “better” at having sex? Theoretically. Is it going to fulfill you? No, it likely would not. Maybe at first you might think it’s great, but after a while, it would likely get very boring and you’d feel like a little bit of your soul is being sucked out of you every time you have a meaningless one night stand.
I encourage you to change your mindset from, “Poor me, I’m an older virgin” to, “Hey, you know what? It’s awesome that I’ve escaped all the baggage that accompanies sex.” Baggage that not only includes accidental pregnancy and potential STI’s, but emotional drain from relationships based on sex. Changing your viewpoint about what your virginity means to you is paramount to being satisfied with where you are in life. Adopting the viewpoint of saving yourself for someone special with leave you much more fulfilled and happy with where you are now.
I am a 33 year old virgin who has gone through the same worries that you have. Trust me when I say that I know it isn’t going to be easy to explain myself when I finally do meet the love of my life. I plan to wait until I marry, and I know there aren’t a ton of guys who’d be willing to wait. I’m okay with that because I know that most guys aren’t going to be The One anyway. I didn’t choose to actively wait until just a few years ago but as a result, since then I’ve become so much more at peace with my virginity and with who I am as a person. I always said I wanted to wait at least until I fell in love. When that didn’t happen, over the years I slowly began to realize that there is a reason why. I believe that God wanted me to see that waiting until marriage really is the best choice. It can be the best choice for you, too. I had a lot of help from the site waitingtillmarriage.org as well. You should check it out, it’s a great resource and it could give you a different perspective on virginity and waiting. My advice to you is to stop being the accidental virgin. Stop thinking of your virginity in the context of wearing a scarlet “V” on your forehead and start wearing it like a badge of honor. Be proud of yourself and people will not have a problem with it. In our over-sexualized society, one’s virginity is seen as something shameful that must be gotten rid of as soon as possible, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
There are a lot of women just like me who would consider a male virgin to be highly desirable. Just be positive about it and they likely will be too. I tell people all the time that I’m waiting (when the conversation calls for it, that is). They’re always surprised but I’ve gotten nothing but positive feedback about my choice. Many people actually admire me for waiting and tell me they wish they had as well. So first realize that you are far from being the only older virgin out there, and then work on believing that your virginity is something special which should be saved for someone who deserves it.
+1 on this post! I agree and think you have a great view on this. Thank you for your response!
The author’s statement that this guy is making a big deal out of sex sounds callus, but in this disposable, throw-away, transient society we live in today it is a sad but true fact. To me, this doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with this 40 year old virgin so much as it indicates the degree to which we have disconnected ourselves from our bodies, allowed ourselves to become dehumanized by the rapid acceleration of social and technological change in our society. Sex has become something apart from the person, a means in which we can physically gratify our animal desires without having to involve ourselves spiritually or emotionally. Serial relationships have become the new norm. I’ll use the analogy of the attitude one has towards an apartment he is renting where he’ll only stay a couple of years and the attitude that person has towards his own house where he’ll stay 20 years or more. This high rate of turnover is where this society’s mindset in regards to casual sex comes from. So, unfortunately, the author of this author is right; if the 40 year old virgin wants to get laid he will have to reinvent himself and adapt the mindset the author prescribed.
Johnny,
If getting laid is the goal, he could have done so ages ago, by visiting a sex personals site. Obviously, he wants more than that, as well he should. Humans simply were not wired to have sex with abandon. When you separate sex from love and marriage, you cheapen the act and as a result it becomes only “something two people do when they’re attracted to each other”. It’s no wonder that people with multiple sex partners have so much baggage. They have completely disassociated themselves from sex as a loving act between two people who are sharing a lifelong bond, and reduced it to “getting off”. That is not a fulfilling way to live.
Mo said: (original letter)
“This year, I will turn 40.”
“As of recently, I try to find women between 25 and 42 years old.”
Mo,
It sounds like you may still be pursuing ineffective strategies.
Based on your letter, your immediate concerns are finding a girlfriend and having sex. You’re 39 (soon to be 40). However, the age range you’re pursuing is 25 to 42 (14 years younger to 3 years older). Why did you choose that age range?
Do you have any reason to believe that you have more in common with a 27 year old than you do with a 45 year old? Do you have any reason to believe that 27 year olds find you more desirable than 45 year olds do?
If women who are 25-30 are pursuing you, then I think you should take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves. If not, you might find more success in primarily pursuing women who are close to your age, if not a bit older.
Mo said: (original letter)
“I don’t usually try to go for/get a kiss on the first date, and I don’t try to force sex to happen right away.”
You don’t need to do either of those.
However, you do need to give the impression that you are physically and romantically attracted to the woman. And while you don’t have to get a kiss (or have sex) by any particular date, you have to be willing to initiate the physical intimacy.
You don’t know me and I don’t know you. But I definitely have some advice. It’s the same advice I’ve given to my 22 year old son.
Some background. I’m 51 years old. I have been married to two wonderful and beautiful women in my life. I’m still great friends with my first wife and I have a child with each.
I think I know what it takes to find a woman and get her to feel that you are the one for her. That you’re the guy she can’t do without. The one that makes her feel secure, nurtured, and loved.
I’ll dispense with all the psycho-babble and simply say this. You need to visualize in your mind what kind of woman you want to spend your life with. Whether she should be active, slender, plump, into the arts, or into climbing mountains. You need to decide what kind of woman you want to be with and then you need to be the man that deserves that kind of woman.
You need to be a provider or at the very least carry your weight. You need to get it in your mind that you deserve to find a woman to love and one who will love you in return. And then you need to be that guy.
And most importantly, be fun. Be yourself. Make her laugh for God’s sake. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Talk to women like they’re people. Listen to them. Even if they ramble on about nothing who gives a damn. Not every conversation is a world-changer.
And when it comes to asking them out. Don’t ask. Not literally at least. But rather ask them what they’re doing Friday night and when they respond, “I don’t know. I don’t have any plans.” You say, “Great, I’m taking you to dinner.” Or to play miniature golf or whatever the hell you come up with. You do it with confidence. Just blurt it out. You tell her she’s going out with you. If she says no. Try again some other time or move on. No could actually mean no.
Final thought. Is there any chance you’re gay? That’s awesome too. Go find a guy to spend your life with. You deserve to be happy. And loved. So believe it. And go do it…
Have an awesome life…
P.S. You’ll notice I never mentioned sex. Just get it out of your mind. When you’re approaching women the only thing you should exude is fun and confidence. The rest will happen naturally. And in that split second when you’re thinking it’s time to go in for the first kiss – it’s time. Just do it. The worst thing that can happen is it’s awkward, you both laugh, and you kiss her anyway. Just keep it lighthearted…
I see that experience doesn’t necessarily mean common sense. You ask Mo if he’s gay. He just got through saying he wanted a girlfriend!
Brett, I like your reply. It was actually more interesting than most replies on here, no offense to the others. Straight up and straight to the point. Pretty much stating the fact that if you really want things to happen in life, one needs to make it happen.
Brett,
Just wanted to weigh in and say I love your response (about how to approach and treat women, I have no opinion on the gay query). Letter writer, if you’re still reading, from a woman’s perspective (who is your age), a guy who makes plans, listens, is fun, happy and confident – yes please! I’m also tickled at Brett’s suggestion for setting up a date, lovely! If a guy said that to me, even if I wasn’t interested, his confidence and go-getter attitude could help me change my mind. Clearly you’re not that way inclined, but sometimes you have to fake-it-til-you-make-it! Good luck 🙂
I found this article on Google, came across it because I am 28, never had a girlfriend and still a virgin. My problem is that I’m painfully shy or socially anxious. I don’t want someone to make a big deal out of this or treat me like crap! Also, I don’t think I have what it takes to be a good boyfriend. I’ve tried online dating but I never get any hits.. Women only want the tall, tanned confident dude with abs and tatts. The only messages I get are from overseas scammers. I’ve been single for so long I’ve stopped caring.. And I’m sick of being asked “why are you still single”
CJ, What kind of women did you write to online? The prettiest ones? The slim ones? Did you yourself write to women who were heavier than normal? Maybe on the plain side? No boobs? But had great profiles?
If you have and got no responses, that is too bad. You might need to just go out and do things you enjoy or volunteer at places that would make you feel altruistic. You may meet people IRL who will be attracted who wouldn’t be online.
If *you* only wrote to the most attractive women online then you’re not helping your own cause. If you’re a 5 in looks, then start by writing to women who are also 5 in looks, but whose profiles resonated with you. If you yourself can see beyond a woman’s looks, you may find a woman who will see beyond your shyness and social anxiety.
Karma works like that. And God helps those who help themselves.
Good luck.
C.j
I also wonder if you are just looking for one of the best looking women? Men and women seem to be making the same mistake with online dating. A person looks around, and isn’t happy with the quality of people who will date them. So they turn to online dating sites, and they see all of the pictures and of course start doing a mental sorting. Everybody wants quality in their life, but you also have to be realistic. The word “deserve” never comes into the equation. Nobody “deserves” anything when it comes to finding love. Women make the same mistake of thinking the deserve something, like a woman who has a Ph.D, thinking that she deserves a man with at least a Masters, who is tall, good looking, great teeth, great job, great conversationalist, funny, entertaining, athletic, and more. But the truth is, those men may not like her. Maybe the best man for her is a construction worker who is intelligent beyond his educational level, but thinks she is awesome.
If you are sitting there thinking that life isn’t fair because you can’t attract one of the prettier girls, then you are right, life isn’t fair and it never will be. That IS life, and that is how life has always been. So you have 3 choices. You can continue to go after the pretty girls who reject you, or you can go after women who aren’t as pretty, but will appreciate you for your good qualities, or you can choose to remain single and accept that this is what is best for you. 1 will have you remain single but very unhappy, 1 will have find a girl and hopefully be happy, an 1 will have you be single but hopefully be happy. So what you have to realize is that wishing for a very pretty girl to one day call your own is likely going to bring nothing but unhappiness into your life.
If I were you, I would go back to the sites you tried and look for women that you overlooked the first time. Find some that weren’t quite pretty enough for you the first time around, but you also don’t find them to be horrible looking. Then look at their profiles to see if they say anything that you feel gives you some common ground. I know this can also be hard because men and women often write very generic profiles, which I think is one reason so many fail. We try to appeal to everyone and end up appealing to nobody. So maybe make a small list of 5 questions you can ask as conversation starters. And don’t worry about the looks so much. Often people look better in person and often their looks can grow on you once you get to know them.
But bottom line, if you were a 7 or above, you likely would have gotten at least some interest, so it is likely that you are more like a 5. We can’t be happy until we accept things about ourselves and make peace with that.
CJ – I hate tans, abs and tatts and I love nerdy, shy guys! It sounds like you’re bitter, defeated and that is not super attractive – get some help to change that mindset and then you’ll be someone who women want to be around. If you believe women won’t want you, they probably won’t.
Amen!
Hi, Mo.
Is your situation unique? Not a chance. Every single man who is alive today has had to face the same issues. Some men dealt with them at age 15, while others are still dealing with them at age 85.
There are many, many sources of help. Do a google search for Robert A. Glover, Michael Pariser, David Deida, Wayne Levine, Illuman, among others. They can put you on the right path.
Your message refers to your “friends and coworkers,” but I’m skeptical that you have male friends. Before dating any more women, get some male friends. And work on yourself. You have plenty of time to become the man that you are meant to be – the kind of man who will be a suitable partner for the woman of your dreams.
You’ve actually been given a gift, Mo. Now is the time to open the present.
very good point about the male friends.
I spent most of my adult life having a lot of female friends. In the past few years I’ve started to realize that it’s important to be able to relate to fellow men. I’ve made a conscious effort to hang out more with male friends and i’m starting to actually identify much more with my sex. Don’t know if it’s coincidental but I feel that I’m becoming slightly more attractive too and my long drought is about to end.
unfortunately the majority of us guys are like this. we are a silent majority. our lot in life will be to remain the grunt workers the have-nots. just be careful – you may be labeled an “Elliot Rodgers” and feminism will be after you.
Its difficult to not be jealous and envious of women, even though I’m straight and heterosexual, they are less likely to be late bloomers in the dating game than guys are because they don’t have to approach, ask out or initiate anything, and they are valued for their youth more than guys are